Chapter Text
Breath, breath out.
Suddenly everything became a little blurry, and the icy breeze from the theater got through her bones. It was very different to be on stage giving directions to being behind the curtains about to dance.
It's just the first rehearsal.
Two years had passed since the last time she had danced on stage, with an audience, and as Zatanna guided the students' positions in space, Raven could only think of the tingling running through her fingertips.
In the distance she could hear the queue announcing her exit. She ran to get into position, Damian following behind her.
They walked through the space, only marking the outline of the choreography, making sure to fill the stage correctly, only with Zatanna's voice as a guide, but her voice was heard far away and her body moved by inertia guided by the rhythm that marked the foot of Zatanna against the floor, and Damian's hands taking her through the stage.
"Are you alright?"
The sound reached her ears like a grenade that brought her back to the present. For a few moments, the mist of her own emotions had made her forget the disgust with her partner.
Raven abruptly released her grip on his hand, almost as if it burned her. "I'm fine."
“Raven…”
I'm fine.
She repeated like a mantra as she walked to the back of the stage, ignoring Damian's gaze. How it irritated her. After their argument, she had made up her mind not to be affected but, oh, he was shameless and she wanted to kill him.
He had no right to look at her with such regretful eyes. Ha! That wasn't possible, she repeated to herself, although it was hard to believe her own words when she had felt his gaze glued to her throughout the rehearsal. And she had fought with all her might not to turn around and yell at him to leave her alone.
He'd had a chance to fix things and he wasted it. Damn, he didn't even know that he had said wrong, and that was what hurt her the most, and now he came to stun her with his look that made it seem like he wanted to break her into pieces until leaving her soul exposed and her barriers reduced to rubble.
No.
She wasn't going to give him that pleasure. She only had to put up with it for two more weeks and then it would all be over. Although, every time they repeated the pas de deux it was almost impossible to ignore the volcano of emotions boiling inside her.
The brush of his hand on hers was easy to ignore unlike when they saw each other face to face. She always ended up looking at the floor or at the small black mole right in the middle of his neck to avoid meeting his eyes and his face of false sadness.
First he reproached her for his life decisions, and then he pretended to act as if he were the victim.
She wanted to strangle him.
Especially when she forgot to want to do it. They were very brief moments, like when she turned her head and found him there before leaning her face against his, causing the smell of spices and sweat, mixed with the essence of old wood and dusty fabrics to make her head spin in a nostalgic mist.
The music stopped and the feeling of blood rushing to her head along with a few beads of sweat trickling down her neck and cheek distracted her for a second, long enough to regain her center and calm.
Suddenly, the echo of clapping filled the space and suddenly, everyone's attention turned to the central seats, where a dark-haired man applauded enthusiastically.
A smile lit up Raven's face.
Zachary .
~ ~ ~
Exactly what I needed.
Damian watched from the darkness of the stairs, hidden in the shadows, as Raven casually chatted with Zach, how she had called him. He hadn't even known him for 10 minutes but he already hated him.
First, he appeared out of nowhere, interrupting the rehearsal with his unwelcome applause. Second, his very presence, insignificant as it was, had lit up Raven's face, making her smile in a way he hadn't seen in weeks.
Who was this asshole and by what right did he make Raven smile like that?
Booth manager and luminaire designer? Former dancer of the school and performing artist?
Crap. All of that was nonsense.
At first glance, it was clear that the guy was an idiot, whose presence there was a consequence of his family ties with Zatanna.
The guy was a failure.
And yet Raven was impressed with him. As soon as she had the opportunity, she ran into the arms of that idiot, passing everyone as if no one else existed.
Dammit.
"Hey, love-bird, come here for a moment."
Zatanna called out casually, but Damian's throat went dry at those words, especially when he saw Raven answer Zatanna's call while Zachary smirked from his seat. Only Wally's sudden coughing fit brought him out of his thoughts. Jon was patting the redhead who had spit out his drink in surprise.
"Love what?!" Wally yelled without thinking, once the air filled his lungs again.
"It's a joke. She's kidding," Raven was quick to correct her teacher's words.
"Don't be scared, Wally, they just used to date a long time ago." Donna whispered with the intention of calming him down, laughing at her partner's suffering, not realizing that the words had reached Damian's ears as well, "Okay, everyone. Let's move on to the next choreography. Paquita, up!"
Everyone rushed onto the stage, only Damian didn't move, watching Zachary, who walked over to Raven and Zatanna, and stood silent for a moment before turning to Raven and giving her a playful grin, to which she responded with a wide smile, grabbing his arm and walking offstage with him. The image made Damian feel annoyed, and he didn't like that feeling, and the fact that he couldn't say anything about it made him even angrier.
He had arrived the night before, and he had been trying to get close to Raven all through rehearsal with the firm intention of having a straight talk with her. The weight of his words had come too late, and since their argument several weeks had passed and time did not stand still.
Soon his work would be done, the moment was just around the corner, and with it the imminent farewell that he feared could be their last one.
Damian would not be able to live with himself if they did not end the season in peace, so his resolution was clear, to talk to Raven at all costs, even if the current circumstances did not seem to be in his favor. He had to be careful to approach her when she was away from that moron, although, perhaps he could use his presence to catch her off guard, but he had to do something to achieve his goal.
The only thing that comforted him a little was that Wally was having a worse time than he was. If he was honest, his blood boiled when he realized that Wally had taken an interest in Raven, but once he found out that Raven had rejected him, it was like someone had lifted a weight off his shoulders.
"She told you to try again after the presentation?" Donna looked up from her phone as the redhead told her what had happened on the way out. For a moment, Donna was completely silent, her face frozen, not knowing how to react politely to her friend's confession.
The next thing they heard was Donna's snort as she hastily covered her mouth with her hand, trying to maintain her composure. "I am sorry." He said, trying to contain her laughter as she took a breath and straightened up to look at Wally. "She's not going to call you."She said, putting a hand on his shoulder.
At that moment it had been almost impossible for Damian to contain, causing the two dancers to turn to see him, and he hurriedly coughed, hiding his laughter from them.
That had been a very satisfying moment, but this felt different. Zachary was someone in Raven’s life, someone who had been by her side, and his very presence made her eyes light up while she could barely look at him.
In the blink of an eye, the rehearsal was over, with no progress for Damian.
"Hey, Sigfrid." The name caught his attention, and out of habit he turned, immediately regretting it. "Do you need a ride?" Zachary pointed to his car keys, still wearing that sly smirk that invited to hit him.
"I beg your pardon?" The question seemed to offend Damian, but it only seemed to make the Zatara smirk wider.
"Raven and I are going to drop Donna and Jon off at their hotel, there's still room for one more."
Damian was silent for a few seconds as he felt his eyelid tremble. Keep your composure , he repeated to himself.
“I have my own car.” He said finally.
"Well, maybe next time." Zachary backed away, but not before showing his teeth, mockingly, as if he already knew the answer and was only playing with fire.
"Jon!" The boy turned quickly. "You come with me." Damian sentenced, to which Jon did not argue, and simply dropped his shoulders in defeatness.
~~~
The day before had been a disaster, and the night was the worst he'd had in months. That morning did not look any better. Over breakfast Jon had confessed that he had gone out with Donna, Raven and Zachary to dinner.
Neither time nor occasion had allowed Damian to explore more of what had happened on that outing, but for now he could let it go. He would have all afternoon to torment his best friend long enough to get the information that would satisfy him, but right now he could only focus on achieving his goal: talking to Raven.
He had arrived slightly earlier with the intention of intercepting Raven at the entrance to the theater before anyone else. No female students, no friends, no stupid exes.
That was a good plan, or so he thought until he caught a glimpse of Zachary's car pulled up in front of the theater and saw Raven get out of it.
Had they spent the night together?
Damian shook his head, pushing away from the wall and taking a few steps forward to meet Raven halfway. Luckily Zachary hadn't come down with her, that was the moment.
Raven walked up the stairs with a relaxed face, looking different from the previous days. Her eyes followed her path, her teeth biting into the straw of what Damian was sure was a smoothie, but her mind was elsewhere.
It wasn't until she was level with Damian that she noticed his presence. Damian parted his lips, ready to say the words he had rehearsed so long but something was different.
Raven looked him straight in the eyes and said "Good morning."
She didn't smile or say it with any special emotion, there was no hate, no resentment, no love, no nothing. But she recognized him, recognized him in a way she hadn't in weeks. And that gesture froze him as Raven walked past.
~ ~ ~
"That's a sex smile," Donna said out loud, intending to annoy Wally, but the redhead had chosen to ignore his partner, however, Damian was far from reaching the same decision.
The very idea that Raven had spent the night with Zachary irritated him, and even if nothing had happened between them, he resented the influence he seemed to have on Raven.
"NO."
They all turned to see where the excited denial was coming from. Surprised eyes fell on Damian. Too late did he realize the words that came out without his permission.
He was upset.
No, he wasn't upset, he was furious. For Raven, for stupid Zachary, and for allowing Donna's words to get to him, knowing very well that she was just teasing.
But since the previous afternoon his chest was sore. It wasn't a physical pain like when he competed with his peers for the number of push-ups they could do. No, it was an internal pain, like an ache that hit from the inside out, causing an incessant desire to go and beat stupid Zatara.
All for falling for Donna's provocative words.
He knew better than anyone what Raven's sex smile was. And that wasn't one of those.
Sex smile had been the one she gave him as she bit her lower lip, her eyes dark with desire and her nails digging into his shoulders as she rode him on his old couch in NY, that first night they spent together. That was a smile that Raven would never allow to be seen in public, it was an intimate smile that only a few had had the opportunity to see.
At that moment, Raven's smile was wide, showing her teeth, with both corners of her lips turned up. That wasn't a smile after sex. Those were soft, if you didn't catch them at the right moment, they could quickly fade into a frown as she stretched between the sheets.
That was an outgoing smile, not like the friendly smile she gave to people who came to ask for pictures at the end of each performance.
“No… This is not the time to be thinking about trivialities. Focus and start warming up.” He grunted when he realized that all eyes were on him. Immediately everyone turned and continued with their activities, ignoring the green-eyed bitter cry.
Damian clenched his jaw in annoyance. He had let his emotions get the best of him, and yet he still couldn't identify Raven's smile. That thought made him feel like a hole was expanding in his chest.
Perhaps, after all, it was true that the years apart had washed away the path he had once thought he knew. Maybe that was the signal to retire and move on with his life.
A life without Raven.
He had hoped that thought would give him the closure he needed, and with it, the resignation to walk out of Raven's life, but instead it only made his veins blaze. Heat flooded his face, and before she could react to her actions, she was on her own feet, advancing towards Raven, who was on one of the stage legs, arranging the smaller ones in a single file.
"Raven."
She turned on her heel, facing him. Damian could see in her eyes that she was about to say something to stop him, but his mouth was quicker.
“May I talk to you once the rehearsal is over?”
He didn't know if it was the confidence with which he spoke, or the giggling and whispering of the 5 year olds, that prompted Raven to immediately reply “You may”, but he was grateful.
Certainly neither of them had expected the other's action, least of all Raven. The smile that had adorned her face all morning was now a gesture of surprise and many doubts. She wasn't sure what Damian would say.
She mentally berated herself for a long moment for having wavered at his voice when he asked to speak to her. It was one thing to stop his erratic attitude in order to improve the rehearsal environment and another was to give him another chance.
“It is quite obvious that there is something between you.” She remembered Zach telling her the night before, at his apartment.
"You know there's history, that's why it's easy for you to notice" Zach was one of her oldest friends, and even though they had been a couple for a while, friendship prevailed despite time and distance.
“Whether you want to admit it or not is your problem, but the guy is really having a hard time. If you are not going to take advantage of him, at least you should free him from the chains of your love. ouch!” Zachary complained at the sudden punch Raven threw at him.
"I don't have him tied in any way."
“You care too much. That's why you're still upset with him."
"What?"
"If you didn't care, you'd just ignore him, but instead you're very sharp with him, barely looking him in the eye." Raven narrowed her eyes, threatening him with a look. "Hey, I'm on your side, he's an idiot but I think you still see him as your idiot."
“He's never been…”
“Your idiot, yes, yes, I know. So why does it affect you so much? I'm just saying there’s only two weeks until the show and after that, you probably won't see him again for a long time, or maybe ever. You should focus on making the most of every moment that's left, not because you have to forgive him and be his friend or whatever you guys were, but because of you. If you continue with that idea of staying in the academy for all eternity, who knows when you will dance again. After everything you've been through, you deserve to be at peace and enjoy every moment, and as much as I appreciate seeing a man in pain, I don't think his suffering is going to make you feel any better. At least not for long."
Tsk.
He didn't like to agree with anyone, least of all Zachary, but he was right.
It's not for him, it's for you.
She repeated herself the rest of the rehearsal, thinking over and over what he was going to say to her. Although she firmly believed that he would be unable to apologize, but there was no other thing he could say to her. If it was something work-related, there would be no reason to wait until the end of the rehearsal. Doubt ate at her, and she couldn't help but watch Damian expectantly for the rest of rehearsal.
The clock struck 2:35 p.m.
Raven leaned against the car, repeatedly tapping her foot on the pavement a few seconds before looking back at the time on her cell phone.
Where was Damien?
They had arranged to see each other at 2:30 pm in their car, the students had left, and the rest of the dancers were starting to leave the place, but there was no sign of Damian. She had waited all morning for that moment and now the man had decided to make her wait. Anger covered her body and she had the intention of leaving, abandoning him. But, against her best thoughts, she moved towards the entrance of the theater.
I will regret this later.
She thought as she returned to the dressing rooms, looking through the doors for her partner. The dressing rooms were without any movement, it did not seem that there was a soul inside. She opened the door to one of the rooms, feeling hopeless and pathetic, but what she found when she opened the last door surprised her.
“Damian? What happened?"
Raven ran into the small room to help Damian, who was lying with his back against the floor. His things were with him, hinting to Raven that, in some strange way, Damian had fallen.
"I'm fine, I just tripped."
He said with his usual bland voice, but without turning to see her.
Was he avoiding her now?
"You call that tripping?" She pushed her thoughts as far away as she could as she moved closer to him. "Why didn't you call me? You got hurt?" Raven knelt at the height of his legs, taking one of them in her hands.
"Stop." Damian's voice was sharp, making her move back. "I am sorry." he apologized immediately, dropping his head back to the floor. “I just need a moment. Here." He handed her the car keys. “Wait for me outside and I'll catch up with you in a moment.” He said, hiding his gaze under his arm.
Raven didn't know how to feel seeing him there with some fear, he looked vulnerable, it wasn't the face he showed to the outside, but it was one of the most honest parts of him she had ever seen. She then understood that he felt embarrassed. He didn't want her to see him like this and the thought broke her heart. For him, and for her too.
She took the keys, and it gave Damian a sense of relief the idea that she would leave the room, but such was his surprise when the sound of her bags hitting the floor echoed through the cramped room. He opened his eyes with terror only to find Raven lying down next to him, without facing him, leaving her feet next to his head.
"What are you doing?"
"I'll wait with you."
They stood in a strange silence. The silence in their relationship had never been a problem, but before there had been actions to speak for them, although perhaps they had not always been clear, but they had been enough at the time.
But now the weight of years and distance seemed to have slipped away between them. And now there was only the strange silence and an overwhelming pressure in their chest left.
Of all the scenarios that ran through her head, it would never have crossed Raven's mind that they would end up there, lying on the floor, playing with the hem of her sweater, listening to each other's breathing with so much, and at the same time so little, to say.
Several months had passed fighting for things that had happened so long ago that neither of them had given themselves the opportunity to be honest about their present. And suddenly, in that moment of silence, watching the world from below, Raven could clearly see how much time they had lost
Zachary was right.
She needed that closure more than he did, and she shouldn't deny it just because of her pride, what he decided to do with it was his responsibility, not hers, and it was time to take charge of herself.
"Aren't you tired of pushing people away?" Raven said in a small voice, afraid that the ghosts and the dust might hear her words. "Because I do." she sighed deeply, dropping both hands to her sides. "I'm tired of pushing away the people I love, of having to hide, and I'm tired of being mad at you."
"I am sorry."
“Just because I'm tired doesn't mean I'm not angry anymore, because I'm still furious.”
“I know.”
Silence.
"It's your turn to say something."
"What do you want me to say?"
"Whatever." They fell silent again, and Raven began to think that perhaps this was not the moment she had expected. "Do you want me to go?"
"No." A hand instinctively moved toward her, but regretted the sudden move right before grabbing her wrist, but his fingers gave a feather touch that did not go unnoticed to Raven. Damian took a deep breath, but the words came out almost in a whisper. “I have never wanted that.”
The honesty in his voice made the words burn within Raven.
She had wanted to hear them for so long, but now that she had them, the weight of past decisions fell on her shoulders, and the question she had been so afraid to ask danced throughout her mind.
What if…?
"I fractured my kneecap." Oh no . Raven flinched at that, but didn't move. “That's why I came back to Gotham. To rest."
"You have a very strange concept of what it means to rest."
“I was just supposed to be the choreographer. But my mother insisted that I should dance and…” he paused, as if mustering the strength to let the words out of his chest, and that was when understanding came to Raven's mind. A part of her wanted to sit up and face him, but she was also afraid of what she might find if she did.
"Did you know I was here? In Metropolis?"
“Yes. I knew it the day I got here.” Despite being completely on his back, without seeing the other, Damian turned his head ashamed, as if even in the distance he could feel her eyes on him, "Another dancer was going to come but, as soon as I knew you were here, I took the role and drove here.”
Memories of that afternoon played like a movie in her head, she could still feel a shiver run through her body at the memory of when his eyes fell on her after so long. Back then, he hadn't seemed at all surprised at her presence there, and she always believed it was because of his stoicism, when in fact he was waiting for her.
"Why didn't you say anything before?
"I've wondered the same thing about you since you left." Damian was upset, and although a part of her wanted to claim that he couldn't be angry, she quickly dismissed the idea. They had both hurt each other, perhaps unintentionally, but they had, and therefore there was no point in continuing to fight over who had more right to be upset.
“I was afraid.” Damian's eyes widened, sure that the argument would continue as they always did, but that confession caught him off guard, "I'm still scared. Several times I thought about telling you but every time I tried, fear took over me because I was afraid that, of all people, you would say what you said that time.”
"Raven, I…I'm sorry for what I said the other day. No." Damian straightened in his place, staring at Raven, "I'm not only sorry, I regret every single word I said. Every day I play that moment in my mind over and over again and I'm sorry I wanted to say those things for a minute there. I was angry and I felt helpless and I..." Raven didn't move, but listened intently to every word. "I was angry with myself and took it out on you. I'm really sorry. You make it look so easy it scares me. I've never hurt myself before, much less like this. I can't stop dancing, I don't know who I am if I'm not dancing."
Panic filled his voice, and Damian's mask of seriousness and smugness was broken, revealing a part of him to Raven, at the same time that she found parts of her in him.They always looked so different, but they were leaves of the same branch. Without stopping to think, Raven sat up and cupped Damian's face, holding him just a few inches away from her face.
The sudden movement, along with the cool feel of her hands against his skin, had an immediate calming effect. Saying nothing, Damian placed his hands over hers, longing for her touch.
"You are alright. You hurt yourself, but you're okay and you're here with me. And no matter what happens, you are still you, Damian.”
Like a survival instinct, their foreheads came together, and stayed there. There was much left to say, but the words were not when there were only the two of them.
"Raven…"
"But what in the bloody hell are you two still doing here?"
They separated at the sound of the voice, as fast as if the other's skin burned them. Raven's eyes widened, while Damian turned on his spot to look at the man behind him, not saying a single word.
"What are you doing here? You can't smoke in here, John." Raven spoke, avoiding answering Zee's husband's question,
"What am I doing here? I'm looking for forgotten things, or people, apparently." He said pointing at the two. "The theater is about to close."
Raven and Damian shared a look. “My leg seems fine now. Shall we?" Damian said quickly, getting them both to their feet. Raven took the lead out of the dressing room, pointing a finger at Constantine.
"Not a word." she threatened before leaving. Damian followed behind her, giving John a dirty look.
As soon as they left the room, Raven pulled Damian, and they ran until they were outside the theater. They stopped just a few steps short of where Damian's car was parked, and silence fell over them both again.
The moment had been cut off so abruptly that neither of them knew how to pick it up, or if they should. Instead they just stood there, looking around, as if some signal was going to come out of some bush at any moment. There, without planning or meaning to, their gazes met halfway, and for no reason or reason, Raven let out a loud laugh, so contagious that Damian followed her out of inertia and because of how wonderful Raven looked in his eyes, with her smile wide enough to marked the dimple in her cheek and wrinkled her nose.
He had never seen her laugh so joyfully and carelessly, and he didn't know if he would ever witness such a moment again, but for the first time in a long time, the future and the past became less important. All he could care about was that moment.
The laughter went down little by little until it was just gasps that tried to return the air to their lungs, and it was until that moment that they both realized that their hands were still intertwined.
Neither Raven nor Damian said anything. The effect of the confessions and the laughter was still present and both of them still felt that heartbreaking hope that made them feel everything could work out. They felt invincible.
"I'm starving. Do you want a hamburger?" Raven watched him with bated breath as she asked, but Damian had no doubt that whatever she asked, he would say yes. If she asked for his soul right now, he would give it to her without question.
"Sounds delicious."
But for now, sharing a quick meal was enough.