Chapter Text
The key to the tavern pressed into the palm of her wet hand, the moisture only making the metal colder. Though she supposed her naturally cool fingers didn't do much to help with that. She gritted her teeth to keep them from chattering, drenched from head to toe. It was her own fault for attempting to fight the weather and not stop for the night. The door opened with a little click, she stepped inside but left it waiting. No footsteps behind her.
Looking over her shoulder with a confused glance, she stared at Ulla in the hallway who seemed fixated on her dress. The shorter fidgeted with the hem, her fiery red hair slicked to her body as well though she didn't seem bothered, unlike her counterpart. She wrung the fabric between her fingers and squealed a little with delight when water pooled around the folds and drops landed on the floor just beneath. Her smile was practically a glow, a flame really- lighting up the room.
Suddenly she didn't feel as cold. Donella sucked in a breath, her hand clenching into a fist, pressing crescent indents into her palm. She agreed to be friends again- she didn't consent to feel anything more. Though, like in the past, she learned that the heart was not so easily controlled. But she could contain it. Only a fool repeated history and expected different results.
Those blue eyes looked up at her, twinkling with amusement before hesitating. Ulla couldn't read that look, she deflated a bit. "Oh uh- sorry." She muttered and quickly dropped her skirt, smoothing it out sheepishly, "It doesn't rain or- you know- weather in the Library." A hasty explanation, which also referenced her previous reaction when the clouds had started to precipitate. It was a yell, half delighted and half terrified.
"You wanna come inside or sleep in the hall?" She gestured for her to follow. The other hopped on her toes a little and formed her mouth into a little o shape. Right- walking.
"Inside!" She even remembered to close the door behind her.
Two beds. Nice. Donella nodded to herself as she dropped her bag at the small table in the room, hearing Ulla do the same just behind her. Walking over to the window, she glanced out to see that the sky had darkened, the gentle sound of rain against the roof and windowsill. Standing at the opposite side of the room, as if the distance between them would make the other's pull weaker, she started to take down her hair.
Setting down her own things, her gaze lingered a bit as she observed how the other worked the elastic from her gray locks- captivated. Ulla was about two seconds away from shaking the water off of her before a curt "Ah-" from across the room made her look up. Those green eyes stared at her, a look of caution as she slowly stood up straight and nodded. Yes- water would fling everywhere if she did that. Not really minding the feeling of drenched clothing, she was just starting to relearn what sensations were like anyways, she sat down on the table and swung her feet, watching as Donella stood over the trash bin and wrung out her hair.
She tilted her head a little as she caught how the taller tried to hide how she shivered. Donnie was always so cold, even when they were young and sitting by the fireplace roasting marshmallows. Her hands would be frigid. People didn't like to be cold, since they had a reference point against it. "Do you want to shower first?" She asked quietly and watched as the other slowly lifted her head and looked at her in almost shock.
"You're alright?" Donella asked and waited for Ulla to nod before finally giving in and hugging her arms around her torso for warmth. "Yes please then-" Grabbing her bag from where she tossed it, the door to the bathroom shut behind her. A few more seconds and the sound of running water. "Did you know that Varian actually came up with this idea for hot water? Smart kid!"
The voice called over the noise. Her usually wide grin faltered. Ulla turned to the window, staring at herself in the reflection. It was so faint she could have mistaken it to be her son's. Could she even call him hers?
“Ye- yeah!” She forced her voice to flick upwards into a laugh. “Smart kid,” playing with her fingers, she observed the small beads of water on her palm. Further observation told her that they were coming from her hair. When Varian was little he loved to pull on it, even stuffed it in his mouth when she wasn’t paying attention. Sometimes when she laid down he’d end up crawling underneath, the strands covering his face as he giggled. She played peekaboo with him then. Did he even remember that? Could he even remember her? Who she was before the Library that is- Demanitus, who even was she anymore?
And Ulla always knew the world moved on, learned that the only constant was the march of time. She just- never realized it would leave her behind. Maybe that was her naïveté. It was catching up, she felt it in the ache in her joints and saw it in the slow blurring of her eyesight. She couldn’t outrun time, even if time outran her.
Looking up when the door opened, she must have forgotten to smile as she did so.
“Why the face?” Donella asked, always so matter of fact, Something never changed, it was- she was- strangely comforting despite the distance that always felt wrong.
“No face! Was I making a face?” Ulla quickly put her palms to her cheeks, “That’s just my face, I haven’t had it back for long you know.” Her eyes darted down over the other’s figure, she had put on pajamas- oh yeah sleep! Her first two days after the Library had been consecutive, no one told her sleep was something she’d have to do again. She hopped up and grabbed her things, walking past Donella who attempted to place a hand on her shoulder before hesitating and refraining.
She spoke just as Ulla was about to close the door. “You told me that Hugo would come around. So will Varian. Give it time.”
“Sometimes it feels like I’m still trying to get back the time I lost,” She whispered without thinking, “I don’t have anything to give.”
“I’m sorry I took it from you,” Donella replied, the words just slipping out- she wasn’t sure what ‘it’ was. Time? A relationship with Varian? Her life? So many things, gone in an instant.
Standing by the door, she stepped closer but didn’t touch. “It’s gonna be okay,” She tried to convince herself the same, “I’m back now and- and we’re gonna be okay.”
A pause, “Okay,” Donella breathed out before starting to walk away. “Now hurry up and shower. Or you’ll be learning what being sick is like too.”
She laughed, almost like wind chimes in the breeze, before shutting the door and following her friend’s directions.
Stepping out, she had wrapped up her damp hair with the towel as Donella had shown her a few weeks prior. Her feet were bare against the hardwood, the temperature difference now apparent. It was more unpleasant to be cold when she could remember what being warm was like. Scrambling onto her bed, she crawled under the mattress and looked over at the other who was sitting up and glancing over a piece of paper.
"What'cha reading?" Ulla asked and propped herself up on her elbows, laying on her stomach as she stared across the way.
"Hm?" She looked up quickly, still not really used to the fact that she had someone around now- it was like when Hugo was young and everything she did was under close supervision. "Oh, it's just- nothing." Donella folded it back up quickly and shoved it back into her bag. It was stupid anyways. While visiting Ulla's brother they had found folders and folders of old work, she had been looking over one dating back to their highschool days when their only worries were what the next exam covered. Like she said- it was stupid.
The other seemed to frown just a touch before nodding and taking out the towel, her hair now just dry enough to sleep with. Kicking her feet, she was delighted to find how the mattress bounced back at her. "There aren't things like this in the Library," She mused mostly to herself before glancing over, "Do you think the boys will add some? For people to sit and read on since it's open now?"
There was a hint of bitterness as those green eyes stared at her, she couldn't help it. So now you're okay with it? A little late- But Donella took a breath, enough to shove that twisty feeling away, and nodded. "I'd hope so."
Silence. She got up to draw the blinds before getting back under the covers, reaching over to turn off the light. Ulla had curled up on her side, partially hugging one of the pillows. She opened her mouth to say good night, felt how the pillow rubbed against the raised scars on her cheek, and closed it.
They plunged into darkness.
Donella could hear the other shifting around, probably marveling at how soft the blankets were or something. It was a product of her imprisonment- objective. It wasn't cute in the slightest and it didn’t make her lips start to flick into a grin either. She focused on the sound of the rain, a steady drumming. By the time the room lit up from the flash of lightning, she was already half asleep with one arm covering her eyes.
However, Ulla was not and jumped at the sight. It was a split second but she swore she was back. The touch of the mattress against her body, her actual body and not an apparition, was gone. She was in the Library, magic shot through the air. It was so bright, it surrounded her- What was this? Like something in her was pushing against her chest trying to get out- her heart was racing, out of breath though she hadn't been running. At some point, she had sat up but she couldn't remember doing so.
Then, the rumble of thunder. She could practically feel the energy surging out of her body through her fingertips- she was back or maybe she never left. Did she really think she could outrun the Library's forces? Did she really think she was still herself? Maybe she screamed, did she? Her hands grabbed at the pillow and hugged it to her chest. Everything felt tight, like her body was somehow three sizes too small.
Jumping up at the shout, Donella flung the blanket off of her on instinct. "Wha- what is it?!" She squinted in the dark and made out Ulla's figure. Another flash of light illuminated blue eyes wide with terror. Her knuckles were white, clutching at the pillow. She found herself softening, her shoulders relaxing just a bit as she laid back down. Just her.
"I'm- I'm-" The words stuck in her throat, her teeth chattered despite it not being cold. Was she shaking or just moving fast? She couldn't tell anymore. The clap of thunder again, she squealed and put her hands over her ears. Images flashed in her mind, her face was contorted- eyes without pupils- a monster. She couldn't escape it. How do you outrun yourself?
“It’s just a storm. You’re not used to them yet but they’ll get better.” The other replied rather matter of fact and started to roll back over until she piped up again.
“It’s not the storm.” Almost an unconscious response, Ulla kept going. “I can’t get used to it. I won’t.” Another flash, she squeezed her eyes shut. The rumble of thunder sounded like her laugh, manic and broken- like it wasn’t even hers. But it was and it was her who grabbed her own son with vicious hands, greedy fingers, and hurt him. What kind of mother- what kind of person did that? When the clap sounded it might as well have been yelling at her- monster. “I’ll be just as bad as her if I get used to it.”
A blink, she shifted and scooted closer to the edge of the bed. “Who’s her?”
“Me!” It was a distressed snap, her hands clasped in front of her and she pressed them to her forehead. “Me- or not me or- the me who hurt Varian and you.” She squeezed her fingers so hard they were aching but she persisted. “I don’t even know if we’re two separate people anymore. I don’t recognize her- or maybe I don’t want to.”
Taking in a shaky breath, Ulla rubbed her face like she was trying to remind herself she was still alive. Or- maybe alive again was the better phrase. “At the Library,” She tilted her head up when she spoke, “It was quiet. I used to think that was nice- but when it’s quiet all that’s left are the thoughts in your head. It was alive.” Running her fingers through her hair, the strands ticked her bare neck as she did so, “The Library- it was like the magic could know me. Talk to me. It talked about power, everything I knew was wrong but I gave into it! I- I liked it! I don’t even remember wanting power but then I did and…”
Her voice died off, a gasp as the room lit up in a flash. She caught a glance of green eyes before they disappeared. The light- it was almost blue, it would reflect off of scrolls and worn shelves- it surged through her veins like a part of her. Her heartbeat raced. The clap of thunder- books fell to the ground, she’d have to fix the bookshelf later but it was nothing a wave of her hand and a spark of magic couldn’t fix.
“And what?” Donella asked, starting to sit up herself. It was a dangerous question, she wasn’t even sure why she was asking it. It wasn’t her position to know.
“When it was quiet, when I lose track of time, I would turn into something. Maybe someone- I don’t really know.” Ulla hugged her knees to her chest and rocked a bit, “She felt like she could do anything. Really actually do anything- a more… extreme version of me. She- I- felt like that when I hurt Varian.” Her voice dropped even more, “And when I hurt you.”
There wasn’t anything to say, anything she could say. Dammit, why did she think she could help? Donella leaned harder on the elbow she propped herself up on, the rain seemed to drum louder outside.
“I should have- I should have died and taken her with me.” Muttered above the water, the other strained her ears to hear, “That would have made things easier.” But she spent her whole life running to easy, “Varian would be happier if I stayed dead- he wouldn’t have a walking nightmare in his life. Quirin’s moved on too- I would have made him miserable with my antics. I don’t fit anymore- anywhere. I should have- everyone would be better off if I died.” Resting her chin on her knees, she huffed and blew her hair away from her face, “I bet most people want me dead anyways, after what I did. They just act like they don’t.”
“I don’t want you dead,” Donella replied and stared at her, her eyes adjusting to the low lighting. Her voice was quiet, she watched as Ulla turned her head towards her. She lifted her voice, trying to make it sound comforting. “I don’t want you dead.” She choked out, words cracking a little. “Ulla I- I’ve spent too much of my life… missing you to want you dead. I don’t know how to.”
She heard a sniffle, reached over to turn on the lamp. The woman was greeted with the sight of Ulla’s tearstained face, her hands squeezing her upper arms. “Maybe you should learn- it would be easier for you to hate me.” A choke, she bit her lip to silence herself and squeezed her eyes. The lightning flash was weakened by the light but the thunder was just as loud. Donella got a full view of how she flinched at the sound, how she shook after. “Varian hates me- my own son and I deserve it. I deserve you hating me too.”
A long pause, a little pat pat noise. Ulla looked over to see that the other had pulled back her covers, motioning to the spot on the bed. “You’re scared- you don’t deserve to be hated you just think- it’s easier to be,” Donella replied, she spoke as if she understood- as if she had been there before. “Come here.”
“You- you sure?” She whispered and wiped at her eyes with her palms, “I don’t- don’t do it just because you pity me.”
“I don’t pity you.”
Her tone was a little harsher, snapping Ulla to attention and letting her take in a breath that actually filled her lungs. She didn’t realize she had been hyperventilating until she stared into her green eyes and felt like she could inhale again.
“You feel terrible and you deserve it because you did terrible things. But you are not terrible and you do not deserve to die. I would know.” The crack of thunder, she saw the way the other curled up into herself. For some reason, she felt her heart aching at the sight. “I would know.” A silence fell over them before she spoke again. “And- I did terrible things too.” She mumbled and stared down at the sheets, counting the threads. “I left you.”
“I deserved it.”
“No one deserves to be left to die,” Donella’s voice wavered, she sniffed and wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand quickly. Her words still echoed in her ears- don’t leave me- don’t leave me. Her lips parted but the sentiment didn’t escape. I miss what we used to have.
Ulla did her best to focus on the sound of her breathing, a noise that freaked her out at first but she gradually grew used to it. “I- It feels weird to say that we’re even.” There was a soft laugh to her voice, “But- I don’t know what else we can do.” A yelp escaped her as the sky rumbled, she slapped both her hands over her mouth and shuddered in on herself. Still though, and Donella could tell from the way she stared at the empty place in her bed before jerking her gaze away, she was hesitant- almost punishing herself- depriving herself of any comfort because she didn’t want to feel loved again. Oh, she had been there.
“Do you remember when we were younger? Our sleepovers?”
She nodded, tilting her head a little in question.
“The first one- I’ve never slept that well in my life. I- I slept better with you around. It was like I was safe, from everything else I was feeling.” Another little pat, “It’s hard to become a better person when you’re sleep-deprived. Come here.”
She didn’t have to ask again. Ulla scrambled out from under the covers at the next clap of thunder with a little frightened squeak. Flinging herself into the other’s outstretched arms, she sank into her. Donella gasped for air for a second, shocked at the force but not minding it. She reached to turn off the lights before shifting around, the shorter already beginning to bury her face in her shoulder. Her scars were pressing into the pillow, out of reach.
Curling up against her, she could hear Donella’s heartbeat in her ear. It was- comforting in a way she couldn’t describe. Her head rose and fell with her chest, Ulla let out a sigh of relief as she felt some of the tension from her muscles leaving. The ache was dull, her arms wrapping around the other and one hand rested on her shoulder blade.
Donella squeezed her tighter, feeling how she was actually trembling. Hesitantly, her hand rested on her red hair, gently petting in a soothing manner. Her thumb traced little circles against her scalp.
“I missed you,” Ulla whispered, her lips brushing her collarbone as she spoke. It was a choked-out confession, sometimes she felt like she didn’t deserve to- how dare she? She marveled at how warm the other was- how it just felt right. “I missed you so much.”
And she finally let herself turn her face down, closing her eyes as she inhaled Ulla’s familiar scent. Even after all these years, it felt like home. It was like this weight had lifted from her shoulders- like this piece of her, long gone, had returned. “I missed you too.” She swore she felt Ulla squeeze a little tighter before finally giving in to sleep’s embrace. Donella let out this sigh of contentment, her body growing heavier into the mattress. And for once, the first time, she could actually believe it. They were going to be okay. She was home.