Chapter Text
February 2024
Maya watches the door close behind Jack as he leaves the office; she lets out a breath and sits back in her chair, letting some of the tension leave her rigid body. They’d just concluded a meeting that acted as a handover ahead of the next shifts A crew would work. The adoption hearing has fallen on one of their “on” shifts and so she’d had no choice but to take the time off and seek cover for her duties. She’d opted for Jack because she knows he’s competent, it counts towards his experience hours and most importantly she thinks he asks the least questions .
Her phone lights up next to her with an incoming facetime from Carina. She smiles as she picks it up and the smile quickly fades as she swipes to answer and comes face to face with a harassed looking Carina and a very red faced and angry looking Dora.
“Ciao.” Carina puffs out as soon as she sees Maya’s face on the line. Maya watches as she fumbles with the phone and is obviously propping it up so she can continue to hold Dora.
“Hi, my loves.” Maya tilts her head. “You guys don’t look happy. Why aren’t we happy?”
Dora throws her head back and lets out another wail, arching her back and her body going rigid in Carina’s arms, causing Carina to almost lose her hold.
“ Ay! Cazzo. Dio mio Dora!” Carina cries as she hastily catches the baby before she launches out of her arms. “ Shhh. Okay. Okay. I’m sorry. It’s okay.” She soothes when Dora startles at her shout and cries harder.
Carina looks desperately at Maya through the screen. “ She’s been like this all day.” Carina tells her, clearly frazzled.
“Is it her teeth?” Maya asks, holding the phone and feeling at a loss. Unable to help from the other end of the screen.
“Si, her gums are so swollen and the teeth are right there, I can feel them.”
Maya tilts her head and frowns in sympathy. “My poor babies. I’m sorry I’m not there to help. Has she had some baby tylenol?” Maya asks.
Carina nods as she continues to try and sooth Dora, rocking her back and forth.
“Oh, did you try the teething granules?” Maya asks, remembering she’d bought them when Dora had started getting grizzly a few weeks before and they’d suspected she might be teething.
Carina shakes her head. “No, I forgot we had those! I’ve been giving her the teething ring and the chewy thing with frozen breast milk in. Plus the tylenol. I’ll try the granules.”
Maya nods and then laughs as Carina promptly hangs up without saying another word.
She continues on with some reports for a while and after half an hour, her phone alerts her to another incoming FaceTime from her wife.
“Hi.” She says as she answers. Noting immediately that the volume on the other end of the phone is drastically quieter. “Things sound calmer.”
Carina nods in agreement, angling the phone so that Maya sees Dora who is cradled in Carina’s lap feeding.
“ Those granules are amazing! ” Carina enthuses. “ This is the first time she’s settled all day, even to feed!”
Maya smiles widely, relieved that both her girls have calmed down. Her guilt at not being able to be there to help, easing slightly. “Pain relief and Mama’s milk. A winning combo.” She grins.
“Apparently so. How is your day, Bella? I’m sorry I didn’t ask before. I was…how do you say…? Harassed.” Carina rushes out.
“Don’t worry, I could see you were stretched pretty thin by our little demon. I’m glad she’s settled down a little for you, now.” Maya reassures her wife. She leans back in her chair and takes the phone with her, holding it up. “Today has been okay. I did the handover with Jack ready for Thursday.” She tells Carina.
“ Oh, good! Did you tell him why you need the time?” Carina asks gently. Ever since the party at Travis and Vic’s, she has been more persistent in trying to get Maya to open up to her friends about what she’s been dealing with.
Maya shakes her head in the negative. “No, he didn’t ask.”
Carina raises a brow. “Have you told anyone? About Thursday?”
Maya rubs the back of her neck with the hand not holding the phone. She sighs, “no. You know I don’t feel comfortable about it.” She defends. “I wouldn’t even know what to say to be honest.”
“ Bella .” Carina sighs. “ We’ve talked about this. I know you feel embarrassed and defensive, but they’re your friends, this is something they should know about.”
“I don’t see why they should. It’s my business.” Maya argues back, growing frustrated with Carina’s insistence that she should share what she doesn’t feel comfortable sharing.
“ Because they care about you Maya. They care about us, about Dora. They’re part of our family. You should be able to be open with them.” Maya watches as Carina runs a hand through Dora’s hair as she feeds and Maya longs to hold her daughter and to run her own fingers through that soft hair. Being close to Dora always soothes her. “ And, when it’s all said and done on Thursday, it would be nice to share in that with them. Celebrate our family .” She adds softly, glancing at Maya through the screen.
“It doesn’t really feel like much to celebrate.” Maya says sharply. She realises she’s been careless with her words even as they tumble from her mouth and she watches as Carina’s eyes widen with surprised hurt.
“Wow.”
Maya sits up in her chair, leaning her arms on the seat. “That’s not what I meant.” She says quickly.
“No? What did you mean, Maya? Because, I know this has been hard on you. I know that it has. And I wish you didn’t have to do it this way. But you do and you did, you chose this too you know? I know the bureaucracy is stupido. I’m as frustrated as you are that this isn’t all just a given. But on Thursday, regardless of all of that, I will be thankful that it’s official and I will celebrate that we’re a family as far as everyone and every law is concerned. Regardless of how we got to that point…” Carina’s camera is barely able to focus as she rants, clearly moving as she talks in earnest. She finally stops long enough to make eye contact with her wife. “I just wish you would feel the same.”
“Babe…Carina…” Maya tries to back track.
Carina just shakes her head interrupting her, unwilling to hear her. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” She effectively ends their conversation. “Be safe. I love you.” She adds softly, before hanging up the call.
Maya growls to herself as she flings the phone on the desk in front of her. She rubs her eyes in frustration. Irritated that Carina had hung up on her. Irritated more so at herself for being so careless with her words. Sad, that she can’t seem to move past her frustration and insecurity to find some joy in the ending of this chapter; achieving what she’d set out to do six months ago. She knows Carina is right, despite the way it’s happened, come Thursday - Judge willing - they’d officially and irrefutably be a legal family. She just wishes she could move beyond the hurt that the requirement of it and the process has imbued within her.
She picks her phone up with a sigh and taps out a message, unwilling to let things settle as they are.
Maya (18.08): I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that the way it sounded. I love you both.
The disagreement with Carina plays on a loop in Maya’s mind as she sits at the table in the Beanery. Conversations carry on around her as she pushes her food around her plate. Of course she didn’t mean to make it seem like she didn’t think her family were worth celebrating. Dora and Carina are her world and she would celebrate that all day, every day if she could. But she can’t shake how raw the second-parent adoption process has left her. She doesn’t think there’s quantifiable language for how invalidating it feels when all the love she’s poured into her little family requires a judge to sign off on it.
She’s pulled from the fog of her spiralling thoughts as Vic nudges her arm with her elbow from where she sits next to her at the table. “So, what’s the time off for?” Vic asks.
Maya blinks at her blankly and wills her brain to catch up to the conversation. “Huh?”
“The time off.” Vic repeats, taking a bite of her lasagne. She chews, swallows. “Jack’s standing in isn’t he? We just wondered what you guys had going on.” She shrugs.
Maya’s breath catches in her chest and she stumbles out a hasty denial. “Nothing. It’s not for anything.” She pushes up from the table, knowing she’s being irrational. She feels desperate unease settle in her bones at how much she doesn’t want to face this conversation. “I’m not hungry, I’m gonna…” She jerks her head in the direction of the door even as she moves away from the table. All eyes on her clumsy exit.
She jogs down the stairs and into the office. She starts tugging on her uniform shirt, pulling it out from where it’s tucked into her trousers. Her fingers shake as she starts pulling at the belt around her waist and she fumbles to try and undo it. To get out of her clothing as quickly as she can. Her breathing is rapid and she feels out of control but doesn’t know what to do except to get out of these restrictive clothes and run some of this energy off on the treadmill.
She manages after a second, to draw herself back into the moment and makes a giant effort to slow her movements down and rationalise that she is okay, and nothing bad has happened. She moves to the bunk and sits on the bed, shaky hands resting on her thighs. She breathes in slowly through her mouth and out through her nose a few times and the blood rushing in her ears quietens a little giving her room to think. She looks around for five things she can see; her jacket hung on the back of the door, her desk phone, the picture of Carina and Dora on her nightstand, the dirty laundry hamper in the corner of the room and the stack of files she was working through on her desk.
When she starts on the four things she can touch, her thumb on her left hand immediately begins twirling her silicone wedding ring around her finger. A habit she’s had since the very first day Carina slipped the gold version on her finger in front of all of their friends. The action immediately grounds her and before she can move on from it, the office door bursts open and Vic enters the office without waiting for an invite. She peers around the corner, seeing Maya sat in her bunk, shirt opened and slightly dishevelled. Vic backtracks and deliberately pushes the office door closed before she moves into the bunk to stand in front of Maya with her hands on her hips.
“What is going on with you?” She asks, not unkindly, but firm. No room for escape.
“Nothing, I’m fine.” Maya tries anyway, still fiddling with her wedding ring.
“With all due respect, something is happening.” Vic counters. She lets out a sigh, and moves to sit next to Maya on the bed. “I know you’re my boss here, but Maya, we’re friends too. What’s going on? Is something going on between you and Carina?”
Maya looks sideways at her with a frown. “Me and Carina? No, why would you think that?”
Vic shrugs. “Things seemed weird at my birthday party.”
Maya sighs. She turns Carina’s words over in her mind as she sits there not giving Vic an answer. These are our friends. We should be able to be open with them. “Carina and I are fine. Well, she’s pissed at me today, but that’s just because I’m an idiot.” She rambles. She rubs the back of her neck, nervously. “Carina and I are fine. I’m…dealing with some things.” She eventually forces herself to say.
“Okay.” Vic nods, sympathetically.
“When we went to Portland, there was an incident with Dora.” She clears her throat. “With me and Dora. A nurse at the hospital where she was admitted blocked me from seeing her or accessing her hospital bay.”
Vic’s eyes widen and Maya can see her trying to piece together what Maya is telling her. Maya nods, to let her know her instinct is probably correct. “She was a bigoted woman, who didn’t believe a child could have two mothers. And in that situation, I had little power to challenge it.”
Maya can see righteous fury grow within Vic and it soothes something inside of her, knowing that someone else is outraged on her behalf. Vic doesn’t offer any platitudes, she just reaches over and squeezes one of Maya’s hands. Maya shrugs self deprecatingly before she carries on. “Carina put in a complaint to the hospital, and it wasn’t policy or anything. Just one nurse on a power trip. But, it…” she searches for the right words. “It affected me.” She settles on.
“But I thought, when we talked before, that you were on the birth certificate and that was all sorted?” Vic asks. Then, “and fuck that woman, by the way!”
Maya chuckles, and looks away, swallowing against her dry throat. “I’m on the birth certificate, and in this state, it’s pretty much fine. But as we came away and started looking into it, we realised that my rights are tenuous. Any change in the law, and just the birth certificate wouldn’t be enough.” She tries to explain it as simply as she can.
Vic lets out a sharp breath. “Fuck, that is messed up. Maya, I’m so sorry that happened.” Maya offers a small smile, she moves her hands to pick at invisible lint. “So that’s what has been on your mind? Portland was a while ago.” Vic presses, wanting to understand what has been going on with her friend.
“I’ve struggled since we came back.” Maya pushes back against the part of her telling her not to expose herself. “I was anxious about leaving her, about something happening that might leave my…I don’t know…my rights vulnerable.”
Vic nods along. “Understandable.”
“That got better over time.” Maya continues. “Carina was great. But, I…” she pauses, considering how much she’s prepared to divulge. She stands and takes a deep breath, deciding to bite the bullet and forge ahead. She turns back to face Vic. “I’ve had to apply to adopt her. Dora. I’ve had to go through the process of adopting my own baby.” She stops, closes her eyes against the humiliation she automatically feels when talking about it.
“What exactly does that entail?” Vic asks curiously. “Surely that's just a formality?”
Maya lets out a bark of sarcastic laughter. “You’d think that wouldn't you?” She rolls her eyes. “It’s a whole process. First I had to submit paperwork, then I had to have a social worker write a report about me, about my ability to parent. Visits with Dora’s paediatrician, a visit with my own doctor. It’s cost us thousands and it feels like a slap in the face to be honest.” Maya rants.
Vic’s eyes widen and she blows out a sympathetic breath. “Maya, why didn’t you tell us all this was going on? Does anyone know?”
Maya shakes her head, can’t meet Vic’s eye.
“So you’ve just been dealing with it on your own?” Vic presses.
Maya shrugs, then braves a glance at her friend. Suddenly feeling like she really needs her to understand. “I felt humiliated and ashamed.” She starts to explain. She raises her hand when Vic goes to jump in, no doubt with a well-meaning platitude. “What happened in Portland felt like a violation. I can’t think of a better way to explain it. I felt like something had been taken from me and this process, having to ask a judge, a social worker to sign off on me as a second parent has just reinforced that. Carina and I…we planned for Dora.” She starts to tick things off with her fingers. “We picked our donor together, we chose our clinic together, we did the procedures together. We opted in for building a family together and now, all of a sudden I've had to subject myself to this invasive process, whilst they vet my suitability to parent my own child.” Maya feels tears in her eyes as she tries to make Vic understand. “I didn’t know how to start that conversation with anyone. I didn’t even know how to have it with myself. I don’t understand the need for it, so I couldn’t try to make anyone else understand. And I couldn't have coped with anyone invalidating my feelings about it, because I think that would have likely been a bridge too far.” Maya finishes speaking and rubs at her chest trying to ease the pressure there. She feels exposed, like she’s picked a scab open, but she knows that allowing wounds to breathe is the only way for them to heal.
Vic stands and moves closer to Maya. “I’m going to hug you now.” She says, and she does just that. She pulls Maya against herself and gives her a tight squeeze around her shoulders. She doesn’t linger, not wanting to make Maya uncomfortable.
“Maya, I think it’s so fucked up that you’ve had to jump through these hoops, and as your friend, it makes me so very angry that this is the reality for you and I’m sorry.” Vic tells her seriously as she steps back. She ducks her head in order to meet Maya’s eyes. “I’m also very annoyed that you kept this to yourself and struggled alone. But I’m prepared to let that go for now.” She says, drawing a small smile from Maya, who appreciates Vic’s effort at trying to lighten the mood. “I’m very glad you told me now though. What would help?” She asks.
As they enter the King County Court Building they are first greeted by the metal detectors at the entrance. They make their way through, one after the other, Carina carrying Dora on her hip and Maya can’t help but feel that this hostile entrance feels like a metaphor for the entire process that she’s concluding here today.
Once they are through, she tugs on her blazer, fidgeting and righting herself. She feels Carina’s free hand slip into hers and squeeze gently. Maya stops fussing with her buttons and glances at her wife. She communicates her gratitude with a soft smile.
They’d made up quickly after her shift the day before. Maya had arrived home with desperate apologies and Carina had graciously accepted them, happy that her wife was home safe and proud of her for having shared with Vic. Maya is grateful that Carina’s capacity for forgiveness proves immense, providing a refuge after harsh words, or stubborn silent treatments have burnt themselves out.
They make their way through the courthouse and up to the correct floor in the elevator. Maya wants to take Dora from Carina’s arms as a distraction, and grounding, but she also knows that her nervous energy will carry and she doesn’t want that either. She settles for tickling Dora’s socked feet, drawing delicious giggles from her that soothe Maya’s anxieties as the lift ascends.
Once they make it to the correct floor, they take a seat on a long wooden bench and Maya barely perches, unable to settle into the agonising wait. Dora plays on Carina’s lap, standing on wobbly legs on Carina’s knees, chubby hands wrapped around Carina’s thumbs for balance. She grins a toothy grin at Carina who presses loud kisses into the folds of her neck. Maya just watches on, nervously awaiting the arrival of her attorney. She feels her hands growing sweaty as she contemplates that the man they’re waiting for - James Parker, Family Law Attorney - holds a small piece of Maya’s fate in his hands.
“You okay?” Carina’s gentle voice pulls Maya out of her thoughts and she turns her head and smiles at her girls. She sits back a little on the bench, breathes out some of her tension and reaches out to run a hand through Dora’s soft brown hair.
“I’m okay, I’m just anxious to get this done.” She says with a small smile.
Before either of them can stop her, Dora turns her attention to Maya and launches her body at her, luckily Carina manages to keep hold of her tiny hands and Maya reflexively grabs her, lifting her gently into the air so they are face to face. She wiggles Dora in the air, making her giggle. “You gotta stop launching yourself baby! One of these days, Mom’s reflexes will be having an off day.” Dora just reaches a hand out and grabs at Maya’s nose.
A few minutes later, Maya catches sight of her attorney walking briskly down the corridor towards them, shoes shined and tailored suit making him blend in perfectly to their surroundings. Maya stands with Dora on her hip, she wipes off her spare hand on her trousers before James reaches them, and then meets him in his stride with her hand outstretched, firm handshake ready and waiting.
“James. Hi.” She says off the bat, more confident than she feels,
James shakes her hand. “Maya, good to see you.” He turns to Carina, holds a hand out for her too. “You must be Carina, it’s nice to meet you.”
“Hello, good to meet you.” Carina says with a firm shake and a nod. “This shouldn’t take long, no?” She asks, with unwavering confidence.
James shakes his head. “Ten, fifteen minutes at most I think.” He tells her as he pulls his hand back and checks the time on his wrist watch. “Speaking of, we should head in. Are you ready?” He glances at Maya as he asks.
Maya nods, and the three of them follow James into a small courtroom just down the hall from where they had been sitting. Maya’s eyes widen as she takes in the amount of other people in the courtroom, and she feels James touch her elbow to get her attention.
“Everyone will be asked to leave shortly, adoption proceedings are closed to the public.” He tells her and she nods on autopilot, not really taking anything in, completely overwhelmed by where they are and what they’re doing.
Sure enough, everyone else in the room starts to file out, ushered by the clerk and Maya blindly follows James and Carina to the table at the front of the room. As they get themselves situated, Maya notices a man of around sixty walk up to the bench. He wears an official black robe, signifying to Maya that he’s in charge, and they all remain standing. James straightens his tie, brushes off his jacket sleeves before he opens their file on the table in front of him. Maya for her part, hitches Dora up on her hip whilst studying the judge. She finds herself wondering if he has any kids of his own, whether he knows what it means to feel and identify with the word parent.
She hears him begin proceedings from where he sits at the bench. He is curt - ready for business - and Maya sucks in a deep breath as her hearing begins. The clerk swears the three adults in, and Maya feels a little dazed as things proceed around her. They’re asked to introduce themselves in turn and Maya states her full name, as does Carina before James makes their case before the judge.
“Captain DeLuca - Bishop, how long have you lived in Seattle?” The Judge asks.
“All of my life, your honour.” Maya tells him, wiping her hands on her trousers below the table.
He nods, solemnly. “And you’re a Captain with the Seattle Fire Department?”
Maya nods her head rapidly. “Yes, at station 19 sir. Uhm. Your Honour. Sorry.” She fumbles.
The Judge doesn’t smile. “What is the name of the child you wish to adopt?”
Maya clears her throat. “Dora. Uhm. Dorabella Gioia DeLuca-Bishop.” Maya confirms.
“And the child was conceived using assistive reproduction?” He asks, still looking down at the file before him.
Maya nods again. “Yes, my wife and I did IVF together, using donor sperm.” She explains.
“And the sperm donor was a known individual?”
“Yes. A friend. He signed a waiver to say he didn’t want any parental rights over any children born through his donation.”
“I see.” He finally looks up, meets Maya’s eye briefly before looking back down again. “And you understand that if you adopt the child, she’ll have the same inheritance rights as any biological child born to you?” He goes on to ask.
Maya chances a look at James, eyes wide in bewilderment. “Uhh. Yes. Yes, of course I understand.” She feels Carina’s hand slip into hers and squeeze.
The judge nods his head. “Doctor DeLuca - Bishop.” He looks up as he addresses Carina. “Did you listen to the testimony your wife just gave?”
She nods. “I did.”
“Do you agree with the testimony she has given?” He asks.
Carina nods again, emphatically. “Si. I mean, yes. I do.”
“Do you believe it’s in the best interest of the child for Captain DeLuca - Bishop to adopt her?” He gestures at Maya as he asks.
Maya fidgets where she stands, adjusting Dora on her hip protectively at the inference she feels layering the question. She feels Carina squeeze her hand again and she breathes out as Carina responds. “Yes. of course I do. She's her mother . Just like I am.”
There’s a beat of silence that feels interminable to Maya, and she shifts her weight from one foot to the other.
“I just have one more question.” The judge says, solemnly. Maya glances at Carina and James. “How do you plan to celebrate?”
Maya swallows hard, shocked at the change in tone. Carina recovers quickly, and says, “I have made a lasagne for us later.” And the judge, finally, cracks a wide smile before he turns his eyes down to the document in front of him, scrawling his signature.
Maya is a little stunned and quite overwhelmed by the whole experience. She hears Carina clap in delight as the judge signs the adoption order, and Dora wiggles in her arms as if she too might understand the significance of the moment. Maya pulls Dora closer to her gently and sighs gently in relief, but she feels unable to shake off the overwhelm and so presses her face against Dora’s head, nose pressed into her thick hair and she breathes her in.
Minutes later the court clerk ushers the family up to the bench insisting that they take some photographs to memorialise this moment. Maya automatically opens her mouth to dismiss the idea. I don't need photographic evidence of this, She’s about to say, but as she turns to the clerk, she see’s Carina lean in close to Dora who is still in Maya’s arms, and she's pointing at something that holds Dora’s attention with a huge smile on her face. Maya snaps her mouth closed around her own protestations and instead gives a small nod to the clerk to signal her agreement. She allows herself to be hustled along, seeing Carina getting caught up in the joy of the moment. But as she moves behind the bench to pose in a picture with their judge, the same judge that has just granted her the thing she has been fighting for, she remains quietly conflicted. As Carina huddles in close, and Maya turns Dora to face the camera on autopilot, they stand either side of this man that has just signed their family into law. Maya’s face smiles, but her brain keeps playing over and over that this shouldn’t have been required. She knows that she should feel buoyed by the process coming to an end, but as she stands there, she can’t help feeling on the outside of a process that everyone else is holding her at the centre of. She feels resentment at being expected to stand there and be grateful with a smile, but she quickly swallows it down. It’s not fair on Dora and it’s not fair on Carina. She should be happy that they’re officially a family. So she stands, and she smiles, and she tries not to worry about how she’s going to reconcile all of these feelings later.
After photographs, the judge shakes their hands and wishes them all well, before Maya and Carina move back to the table with James to pack away and collect their belongings. Moments later the court clerk approaches to pass them the finalised adoption certificate that the judge had signed minutes before. She places it down on the table in front of them and wishes them congratulations as she walks away. Maya just stares at it, as Carina bustles about beside her making sure they have all of their belongings.
“Are you ready to go, Bambina?” Carina asks her gently, and moves to take Dora out of her arms.
Maya wrenches her eyes away from the certificate on the table and turns to look at her and Carina smiles at her. She nods, and as Carina moves to leave the room, Maya grabs the certificate and starts to follow her. As she does, she has to swallow down an unexpected sob. Something shifts for her as she prepares to leave the courtroom with her newly acquired document and it takes her completely by surprise. As she holds the piece of paper in her hands, she exhales deeply and it feels like the world starts turning again. Insecurity dislodges from her chest and she feels suddenly lighter, like she can move easier without the desperate worry weighing her down.
Maya catches up with the others out in the corridor as Carina is shaking James’s hand and thanking him. She approaches and reaches out too, thanking him herself, before he takes off and leaves them standing there. Carina moves closer, still with Dora in her arms and presses a kiss to Maya’s lips. “Congratulations, amore. Shall we go home?” She asks, tucking a piece of Maya’s hair behind her ear with her free hand.
Maya smiles and nods. But before she moves away, she takes Carina’s free hand in hers, and strokes Dora’s cheek with the other. “I was thinking.” She says. “I know I said I didn’t want to celebrate, but…would you mind if we see if any of our friends want to come over later for lasagne? I think that might be special.” She breathes out quickly, knowing it's a vast change of tune.
She laughs when Carina grins and nods enthusiastically. “I think that’s a wonderful idea, Bella. I’ll make the calls when we get back?”
Maya closes her eyes briefly, thanking her lucky stars for a wife as understanding and as kind as Carina, who never makes her feel less than, but always works to prop her up and encourage her. She nods then, in agreement and leans forward to press a kiss first against Dora’s head then another, swiftly against Carina’s cheek. “Thank you.” She whispers, softly.
The smile Carina gives her when she pulls back, makes Maya truly feel like life is starting all over again and in that moment, for Maya, holding her girls in the middle of King County Court House, everything feels so incredibly right. Like every wish she’s had, is coming true for her and Carina and Dora, all at once.
Fin.