Chapter Text
She and Erin don’t talk on the way back to Tiff’s place. Mac knows that she should apologize, it’s not Erins fault. Mac was the one decided to lie about what happens to her. It’s stupid, Erin watched herself die, Mac was dead years before they showed up. But the idea of telling someone what she learned… It's paralyzing. Partly because she doesn’t know if she’d be able to stop. As soon as she starts talking about it she’s worried the dam she’s crafted in her mind of ‘dealing with this shit later’ will burst and her thoughts will just come spilling out. About how scared she is, about how she still selfishly hopes that maybe they won’t find a way home, about Dylan apologizing and how much it fucking stings that it took her getting sick and 30 odd years for him to be who she’d needed him to be. And the KJ of it all. God Mac doesn’t even know what she would say about the KJ of it all. So she doesn’t tell Erin. Instead she yells and rolls her eyes, hoping that they can just stop talking about this before her treacherous heart tries to relate, or god forbid comfort Erin with a secret she couldn’t take back.
She heads up to the roof to smoke as soon as they get back. Future Tiff’s hippie cigarettes are shit, but they’re better than nothing. KJ joins her, after a little bit. KJ’s always had a thing about knowing where to find her, even before hell morning, somehow always managing to track Mac down at the parking lot or underpass she’d decided to call home for the night when things got really bad. They never talked about why she was there, just sat in each other's company for as long as possible before KJ had to go home. This time though, Mac can tell she has a purpose.
“I’m sorry.” She says, hovering behind her awkwardly, as if she’s waiting for permission to be there. Mac doesn’t reply, not sure how to explain that she’d forgiven her almost immediately.
KJ however, seems to understand what she’s saying and continues.
“I saw myself, while I was out.” KJ says, Mac wonders if she was with her. Wonders if KJ even recognized her.
“So what’s the report? Did Mommy and Daddy get you a convertible for sweet 16?” It comes out harsher than she intended, but KJ doesn’t seem to care.
“Yeah, the… the house, and the cars, and the clothes and all… look really nice from the outside. But sometimes you just got to look a little deeper, and it’s just… it’s all really confusing. But I look happy. Now. In the future.” KJ sounds surprised almost, that she’s happy in the future. Mac’s not. She’d always know KJ would get out of Stony Stream, do something amazing. She’s always been one of the bravest people she knows, not taking shit from any of the girls on her hockey team, guys at her school or assholes on her route. It’s always made her try to be a little bit braver in comparison.
“That's good. Happy is good.” It is. Mac had never expected to be happy, truly happy when she was older. She’d hoped to be
happier
of course, but never completely happy. Coyles never are. But she’d seemed happy from what she gathered, and KJ was clearly a part of that. It’s nice to know that she’s happy too.
“Yeah. I guess I don’t really know that much about her life, though, but… I know that she’s in New York, and she wants to make movies.” You join a community hockey team in the city and I come to all of your games. You give a speech at your graduation. You get a dog. Two of your films go to festivals. You get married… to me. Mac thinks, but she says nothing.
“And… I think that… maybe she’s sorted some things out.” KJ’s gotten quieter, as if she’s confessing a secret. Mac can feel her stare but refuses to meet it, terrified of what she might do if she meets KJ’s gaze.
“I think she might be… Or… I guess I might be, um…”
Mac cuts her off, finally turning to meet her stare. “I die.”
KJ doesn’t say anything, but Mac can tell she’s horrified. She’s always been one of those people that you can tell how they're feeling just by looking at them. Mac always turns to KJ when something good happens just to see how she would light up. Now Mac can barely look at her, her devastation clearly painted across her face.
“Dylan told me in 2019, brain cancer. In my like late 30’s apparently.” She turns back to the horizon, desperately trying to keep her voice steady. “Don’t worry about it though, I mean like who wants to turn 40 anyway right? That’s when you start getting all wrinkly and old and talking about the good old days. And I get out of Stony Stream before I kick the bucket, which is all I really wanted anyways so-”
The words die in her throat as KJ grabs her, pulling her into a crushing hug. Mac finally allows herself to cry. It’s the second time she’s cried into KJ’s shoulder, but she’s starting to think it won’t be the last. After a few seconds she abruptly pulls away.
“You can’t tell the others.”
“What? Why?”
“Because I- I don’t want them looking at me the way that you're looking at me right now.” Mac says turning away again, KJ’s looking at her as if she’s trying to memorize what she looks like. Which doesn’t even make sense because she dies in like twenty years and probably looks totally different. It makes her feel on edge, exposed somehow. But KJ’s eyes have sort of always done that to be honest. She starts to walk away, go somewhere she can freak out without being embarrassed to look KJ in the eye tomorrow. But KJ grabs her wrist almost instantly.
“I won’t, I promise. Don’t go.” She sounds so painfully earnest that Mac can’t do anything but turn around.
She sits down back against the wall and KJ joins her, they’re sitting closer then they have to, but neither girl comments on it. They sit in silence for a while, the air heavy with grief for something that hasn’t happened yet.
“Thank you for telling me.” KJ says eventually.
Mac nods. “Who else would I tell?” It’s the truth. Even though she’s known Tiff for just as long and she’s been getting closer with Erin, the thought of telling someone other than KJ first never even crossed her mind.
“Still.” She pauses as if unsure of what to say next. “I met future you actually.” Mac sits up instantly, turning to face KJ.
“What?”
“Yeah um, I saw her… at the movies. With my future self.”
“Really? What was she like?” Mac asks. She knows a bit about her life, but only the highlights she was willing to send pictures of to Alice. Actually meeting herself is an entire different story.
“She was nice, funny. You smile the same.”
“We’re still friends?” She knows they are, but it’s different to hear KJ say it.
But she doesn’t. “I think… that we might be… romantic in the future.” She immediately scoots away, bracing for Mac's reaction.
She doesn’t say anything. KJ knows and still sat in silence and let Mac rest her head on her shoulder, KJ knows and still cried over the fact Mac’s going to die. KJ knows and doesn’t hate her. KJ knows .
“... How the fuck do you know that.” When did she find out? Who told her? How long has she known?
“Um… I saw us, our future selves at the party. Upstairs. We… We kissed.” She whispers the last word, it reminds Mac of the few times her dad was sober enough to drag them to church. Her whispered confessions of how sometimes she would dream that he was dead.
“So that’s why you were so fucked up after the party?” It makes sense looking back. Why she was so touchy about Rick, why she was so weird about Mac specifically. Hindsights always 2020 she supposes.
“Why, why are you so calm about this?” She asks hesitantly, almost scared. Mac knows it’s deserved but the idea of KJ genuinely being afraid of her still makes her nauseous.
“I had my freakout back in 2019, at Dylans.” She says, trying to sound casual about it.
“You knew?!” KJ says, whipping her head back around. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
“You knew too!” Mac says indignant. This was not the fight she thought they would be having after KJ found out.
“Yeah but I didn’t know how you were going to react! You don’t have the best history with this kind of thing.” She hisses. Suddenly, as if a string had been cut she stops, falling back against the wall beside Mac.
“I was… so scared of you finding out. And you knew, the entire time?” She laughs, shaking her head.
“Hey how do you think I felt? I was freaking out about it and then you go and punch me in the face!”
KJ winces. “Sorry about that, again.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
They return to the silence, but it’s comfortable now. Eventually KJ speaks up.
“Do you want to go steal some pop tarts from future Tiff? I saw she had raspberry, that’s your favorite right?” It is. Mac doesn’t know why KJ knowing this makes her blush, but it does.
“Let’s go.”
“It’s just so horrible.” Mac’s not sure if KJ’s talking about her drink or Mac’s untimely end, either way she agrees. Erin had apparently eaten the last raspberry pop tart, and unlike Tiff both girls had taste and refused to eat frosted blueberry . So instead they made their way down to a weird coffee shop adult Tiff recommended (she also winked at them on their way out which was weird ). The coffee shop is equally as weird, with an assortment of mismatched cups and drinks with strange names like kombucha which is what KJ got because Mac dared her to (it looks like chewed up grass in her opinion).
“Yeah, sorry Kaje, I'll buy you a new drink if you want.” She offers, trying to keep them in this fragile peace. They haven’t talked about it yet, Mac’s not sure if they’re going to. But there’s a sense of easiness in their conversations they haven’t had since hell day, most likely because they’re no longer trying to hide the same secret or actively screaming at each other.
“What? No, I don’t care about my gross drink. I was talking about you. I think we should tell someone. About the whole… You know.” She knew it couldn’t last.
“No.” She says instantaneously, almost before KJ finishes her sentence.
“Why not? It doesn’t have to be Erin or Tiff, just someone, an adult. We could go to the hospital.” She pleads.
“What good would that do? We’d probably both get locked up in some loony bin.”
“Mac-”
“And even if they don’t institutionalize us, then what? Months of awful chemo we already know didn’t work the first time? Fuck that.” She stands up and starts to walk out of the store, they’re starting to get weird looks from the other people inside and Mac really doesn’t want another run in with a social worker, or the cops.
“Isn’t cancers whole thing that you have to catch it early?” KJ says following her out. “Mac we can’t just do nothing.”
“Watch me, Brandman.” She says, not looking back.
“Mac! It’s not even doing nothing, it’s sitting back and letting the worst thing happen! How can you not see that!” KJ cries.
“Maybe you should have thought of that before yanking me away from my doctor brother and future medicine then.” Mac knows it’s a low blow as she’s saying it, she says it anyway.
“Mac. You know that’s not fair, I didn’t know. And I saw that lady. She was at your brother's house.”
“I know okay? I’m sorry. Dylan didn’t even know if he would’ve been able to do anything. It’s fine. I got like what, 30 more years? That’s a bunch of time. You’ll be sick of me by the end, Kaje I promise you.” She jokes, but KJ doesn’t seem to find it funny.
“Stop it.” KJ says, her voice tremors, just a bit.
“What?” Mac asks, genuinely not having an idea what she’s talking about.
“Stop acting like it’s okay you're going to die Mac!” She yells. “This might shock you but people actually care about you. Your brother wants you to live, Erin and Tiff want you to live. I want you to live. Why is that so hard to understand?” Mac stares at KJ dumbfounded. “I just… I don’t want to just accept a world without you in it.” She continues, but she no longer seems angry, just mournful.
Mac still doesn’t know what to say. So she doesn’t say anything. Instead she grabs KJ’s hoodie, pulls her down and kisses her. It’s awkward, their teeth bump, which makes KJ wince. It’s short, but it’s sweet and leaves Mac thinking how fucking stupid she was to hide what she knew from KJ letting them dance around each other awkwardly when the could’ve been doing this .
“Holy shit.” KJ says, which sums up Mac’s thoughts pretty nicely.
“Yeah.” She says, breathless.
Their second kiss is a little less messy, they break out of it laughing.
“I think you might win the best birthday present this year Kaje.” Or ever Mac thinks, it’s not like Dylan's half a pack of cigarettes or her Dad's occasional clean pair of socks really were much competition.
KJ pulls away. “It’s your birthday? Why didn’t you tell us?”
Mac shrugs. She nearly forgot with all of the timeline hopping they’d been doing.
“Yup. July 5th, get this, I'm a cancer .” They find this funnier then they probably should, both nearly falling over on the sidewalk. People passing by give them weird stares but they can’t seem to care.
They walk back to Tiffs holding hands.