Chapter Text
Right, okay, let’s see if I can get it right this time.
Yaz, if you’re hearing this then it’s probably because enough time has passed and now you can finally bring me back. I can’t- I can’t apologise enough for doing this… Again. I’m sorry I left you, I told you before I did this that it was not me leaving you again. And you said that it still felt like it was… I never meant for any of it to happen.
I can't tell you how much of it I will remember. That’s something we’re gonna have to eventually talk about. But what I can tell you is that, the human version of me, is me . Everything she feels for you is because- Because I feel it. And I wish I had been brave enough to show you - to tell you - that before all this happened.
I know I’m asking too much of you. Again . I know it’s hard, and I won't ever judge you for thinking twice about it or for feeling conflicted with this decision. I put my life in your hands, Yasmin Khan, and I trust you with it. And I know, you will do the right thing.
We have a long conversation we need to have, I realise that. I think we both need time after all this, to sort out everything. And when the time comes, we will talk Yaz. I will tell you everything. Just like I promised I would before.
I’m sorry it’s taking me so long.
I miss you. And I’ll see you soon.
***
The Doctor finishes recording the hologram, sighing heavily. She quickly wipes away the small tears that were threatening to spill and turns to the console, opening a compartment in it that leads deep inside the ship. The Doctor is not even sure where, but it's not relevant.
“You know what to do.” She says looking up at the ship and throwing the small hologram device inside, watching it as it falls to the centre of the ship.
The TARDIS is everything. Past, present and future. She’s sure her ship will get that hologram where and, more importantly, when it’s supposed to be. She thinks about what she said, or didn't say.
She couldn't tell Yaz that she remembers everything. All that happened between her - Jesse - and Yaz, the Doctor remembers it all. It’s constantly playing in her mind. Every single moment. Some moments more than others. She had seen Yaz. Had been with her in an intimate way she never thought would be possible. And those moments play in her head more than any other. As do all the moments she had felt Yaz’s lips on her.
She’s torn between what to think of it all. She can't blame her human self for having done that and much more. Jesse was only following the emotions and feelings towards Yaz that the Doctor had spent all her time ignoring. Or trying really hard not to feel them even though she’s fully aware it doesn't work like that.
She had never been brave enough to tell Yaz how she felt. How much she truly and genuinely cares for her in a way that goes way beyond friendship. She knows Yaz harbours similar feelings. And it wasn't until Jesse and after all that happened between them, that she realised that maybe Yaz’s feelings for her were as deep as the Doctor’s feelings for Yaz.
But now everything is quite messy. Because after the Doctor came back, Yaz had not said a single word. She had not jumped and hugged the Doctor. Had not smiled that shinier-than-the-stars sort of smile and instead had only presented the Doctor with a little one. And then had asked the Doctor to go home. And by home, Yaz had meant Sheffield.
“I just need some time. I just- I’m sorry Doctor. I really am. But I need some time to sort my head out.”
The Doctor didn't argue. She wanted Yaz to have as much time and space as she wanted or needed. And the alien would be lying if she said that she also didn't need that little time on her own to figure things out. To go through everything that had happened in the past, nearly six months, and make some sense of it. And then figure out where she and Yaz could go from here.
Can they go back to how things were before all of that? Can they still be friends? Can the Doctor ever look at Yaz and pretend nothing ever happened? Can Yaz do the same?
Or is this a way for them to finally move forward? To finally put all her cards on the table and have the courage to tell Yaz how she truly feels? How she’s been feeling and slowly falling for her for so long now? Would Yaz accept that love? Would Yaz tell her she loves her too or would she realise that what she had with Jesse was better and she can never have the same with the Doctor? Because the Doctor will neve be capable of giving her a quiet, domestic life? Would Yaz even want that? Would the Doctor really not give everything up to be with Yaz like that if Yaz wanted it?
The Doctor rubs her eyes, her mind spinning with thoughts that she honestly wishes would just go away because they’re starting to eat at her. She basically told Yaz how she feels through the hologram. But saying it like that and actually telling Yaz everything face to face, are two very different things and the Time Lord is starting to doubt she’s brave enough to look Yaz in the eye and tell her all of it.
But she promised her they would talk. She can at least fulfil that promise for the time being. It’s just a matter of when Yaz is coming back. The Doctor doesn't want to rush into anything, so she’s been avoiding bringing up the subject of asking Yaz when she is thinking of coming back to travel again. Instead they have simply been texting on and off, but even through text the Doctor can tell their dynamic is different and she’s afraid that they’ll never be able to go back to the proximity they had before. No matter how their conversation goes.
The Doctor goes over to the steps and looks up at her ship “I’ve really messed everything up this time haven't I?” She asks but the ship doesn't answer back. Not even a sound and the Doctor sighs, putting her head in her hands and rubbing at her eyes again.
Her hearts feel heavy and she misses Yaz. And the darkest parts of her mind are starting to think that maybe she’ll never get her back.
***
It’s chilly today and as Yaz walks home after having coffee with Ryan, she pulls the collar of her jacket closer around her neck. It had been a while since she had seen the other man, and a catch up was much in need after the last few months.
Of course, he had immediately been able to tell something had happened and Yaz could never really resist the warmth with which he asked her questions out of concern for his friend. So, without really having planned it, Yaz had opened up to her childhood friend about everything that had happened since he left. And about everything that happened these last few months.
Ryan had been quiet the whole time, simply listening to Yaz while she told him everything. The good and the bad. And especially when she finally told him the truth about herself that until recently, even she was having a hard time accepting. But there’s no point hiding it now. The Doctor knows. Dan knows. She had told her sister a couple of weeks ago when she came back and Sonya had immediately noticed something was not right with her big sister. And Yaz had ended up telling her too.
Ryan did not seem surprised by it, but he didn't say anything except how happy and proud he was of her. Yaz was relieved, to say the least. And then they talked about the last few months. About how the Doctor had turned human. How Yaz had tried to keep her distance. How that had failed miserably. How she and Jesse became closer in ways she never imagined would be possible with the Doctor. How her head was a mess. How it still is. How she brought the Doctor back but that meant letting Jesse go. How her heart feels a little broken by all of it. Even though it shouldn't, because the Doctor is back. But it does and she can't help it.
How everything is a mess now. Ryan had talked to her, told her how her feelings and confusion is perfectly valid and how it's understandable she asked for a little time away from the TARDIS to sort her head out. How she needs to talk to the Doctor properly about it and put her cards on the table and be honest. And then go from there.
Yaz knows he’s right. Of course he is. Dan had said a similar thing. But Yaz feels at a loss for what to say to the other woman. Things between them have been… Weird. And different. And not necessarily the good kind of weird and different. They haven't seen each other in two weeks but even the occasional texts between them have a different vibe.
Not to mention the Doctor has not yet asked when Yaz is coming back, which is making Yaz think that maybe the alien doesn't really want Yaz to come back at all. Which is not a pleasant feeling. But Yaz has also not brought it up because she’s afraid that if she says she wants to come back, the Time Lord will reject her. Yaz doesn't know if they can ever go back to the way they were. She doesn't even know if that’s something she’d want.
She thinks about that hologram again. The things the Doctor had said then… She thought that meant that they would finally take a step forward. Stop playing games with each other and just say what's on their minds and hearts. But apparently not. Apparently, that made it all the more difficult. Because Yaz never thought that losing Jesse would hurt this much. There was a moment where she believed that seeing the Doctor would make all the hurt from losing Jesse disappear. But it made it worse.
Yaz could still remember lying on Jesse’s chest some nights, listening to her heart beating. Even if she did that with the Doctor now (which is a big if ), she wouldn't hear just one heartbeat, but two. Another painful reminder that even if they had the same exterior, everything else was quite different.
Yaz sighs, glad that she’s getting close to home. But as she approaches the Park Hill building, she needs to stop in her tracks. Because right there, in its usual parking stop, is the TARDIS.
Yaz frowns. The Doctor didn't say anything about coming around today (or anytime soon for that matter). And there’s no sign of the ship's pilot anywhere, meaning she must still be inside. But if the Doctor is here, then that means she’s ready to talk. Or that she simply wants to see Yaz because she misses her. Despite everything that has happened lately, Yaz would be foolish to think the Doctor doesn't care about her, because Yaz knows she does. She still very much cares about the Doctor too. And the feelings she has for her haven't vanished. Nothing in this universe could make them go away.
But she knows that if she gets into that ship, they’re gonna have to talk. The only way for them both to move forward, is to have the conversation they’ve both been avoiding for two weeks. Until they have that talk and decide where to go from here, they can't really move on.
She walks towards the ship and before she can even raise a hand, those magnificent blue doors open for her. Welcoming her home. At least, she hopes she can still consider the TARDIS home. But there’s still no sign of the pilot, so taking a last big deep breath, Yaz finally enters the ship.
The lights are dim and low, making the whole place feel a little more warm and cosy. She likes when the lights are like this. But she also can't help but note the tones of blue around it. She has learned, over time, that the lights inside the ship reflect the Doctor's mood a lot of the time. And blue is not usually a good emotion.
She frowns, cause there’s still no sign of the other woman. Yaz walks around the console, her hand patting the ship lightly, she has developed her own ‘relationship’ with it after all these years. But she needs to stop when she spots the Time Lord sitting on the stairs, her knees to her chest with her head resting on her forearms.
Yaz approaches quietly, simply observing the other woman and not wanting to spook her. But she can only get a little close when the Doctor suddenly lifts her head, rubbing her eyes and then stares at Yaz widely.
“Yaz? What are you doing here?” She asks and then frowns thinking better of it “Wait, how are you even here?”
Now it’s Yaz’s turn to look confused “What do you mean? You’re in Sheffield.”
“ Oh. ”
They both just stay there, not saying anything. Yaz realises the Doctor didn't really intend to come here, it had been the TARDIS doing. Trust the Doctor to not be able to make these decisions by herself. Yaz doesn't know if she should be disappointed or just angry. For a split second she had truly believed the Doctor had finally wanted to have the talk. That she was finally ready to move forward and get this over with. But clearly she’s not. And Yaz feels like an idiot.
“You know what, I’m gonna go.” Yaz says, making a decision herself. If the Doctor isn't ready to talk, then Yaz is not about to force her to do it. She wants this conversation to be on both of their terms and as much as she wants them to move forward, and as tired she is of waiting, she knows what they have to say to each other is too important to be forced.
She turns around, ready to leave, but she’s immediately held back by a hand that's suddenly grabbing her elbow softly. Yaz turns around to be immediately met with pleading, hazel eyes.
“Please, stay.” The Doctor whispers “ Please. ”
Yaz nods and when the Doctor lets go, they walk towards the steps again to sit down next to each other. Yaz makes sure there’s a little distance between them, but not enough that their thighs won't touch with just a little movement from her leg. She was never the one to be far from the Doctor, and even right now, Yaz is craving that proximity again.
The Doctor asking her to stay is maybe a sign that even though she didn't really want to come here right now, maybe her ship knows her better than anyone. Maybe the TARDIS knows that its pilot is ready to have this conversation. Even if said pilot doesn't know that yet. But she still asked Yaz to stay.
Yaz isn’t sure who’s meant to speak first. She doesn’t even know what to say. Everything is still a little messy in her head. But she thinks back to that hologram. To what the Doctor had said.
But what I can tell you is that, the human version of me, is me . Everything she feels for you is because- Because I feel it.
“When did you record it?” Yaz asks all of sudden, because despite everything, that’s the thing that’s been nagging at her the most.
The Doctor looks at her with a confused look on her face. And then, just a second later, it seems to click.
“Just now, actually.” The Doctor sighs “I threw it to the centre of TARDIS, or something… She’ll know what to do.”
Yaz nods, knowing better than to ask for any more specifics. She realised a long time ago that trying to fully understand how this enormous ship works is a lost battle.
They sit in silence for a little while longer. None of them apparently really knows what to say. Even though Yaz has been thinking about this conversation almost nonstop ever since being back in Sheffield, now that she finally found herself in this position, she’s at a loss for words. So, instead of talking and saying immediately everything that’s happening in her head (and heart), Yaz decides to take the questions approach.
“How much of it do you remember?” She asks almost in a whisper, because she’s not sure she’s ready for whatever the answer might be. She avoids looking at the Doctor, and instead focuses on her own hands, picking at the loose skin around her nail.
The Doctor takes a few seconds to mull over the question, but luckily when she does answer, she’s honest.
“All of it.”
The Doctor is looking at Yaz, trying to see her reaction most likely. But Yaz still can't bring herself to look at the other woman. Especially not after this. Especially knowing that she remembers everything. When Yaz thought that three simple words could change everything between them, she didn't expect them to be that.
“Do you wish you didn't?”
The Doctor sighs, and Yaz notices one of her hands moving as if she wants to reach out to Yaz, but she thinks better of it.
“No.” The Doctor says and then she gets up, leaning against the console facing Yaz “I’m glad I remember, I just-”
The Doctor stops talking and rubs her eyes. Yaz finally manages to stop picking at the skin in her finger and is now staring at the other woman, brows furrowed. Wondering what it is she was just about to say.
“Just what?” She asks tentatively, hoping she’s not pushing too much but knowing that with the Doctor, sometimes that’s the only way to go about it. To push a little, and hope she realises Yaz is someone she can open up too. Yaz wishes the Doctor had already realised that.
Another minute goes by. And another. And another. And the Doctor doesn't say anything. She has her arms crossed protectively and she’s staring at some spot on the floor, purposefully avoiding looking at Yaz and Yaz is honestly getting tired.
“You know what, if you’re not gonna open up to me, after everything, then I should go and-”
“I just wish-” The Doctor starts, finally looking directly at Yaz and taking a step closer “I always thought that when I got to know you like- Like that … That it would be as me . Not as someone else who doesn't even know why they feel like that about you. Why they want you like that. Someone who doesn't know everything we’ve been through together. I just-”
She takes another deep breath, and Yaz can do nothing but look at her. Surprised by the other woman’s words. This was not what she was expecting to hear. This type of honesty was what she was hoping for, but not what she expected.
“I’m just sorry, Yaz. About everything. I know I wasn't in control of Jesse, but I’m sorry things got that far. I understand if you don't want to travel with me anymore, I understand if you’ve realised that what you had with Jesse was better, I understand if-”
“Hey, hey.” Yaz gets up all of a sudden, not capable of listening to anymore of her rambling even though she loves it a lot of the time, this time it’s breaking her heart. Because even after everything, the Doctor still doesn't realise how deep Yaz’s feelings go for her. She might know Yaz does have feelings for her (at this point it’s something that’s so obvious it’s impossible she doesn't know), but Yaz doesnt think the Doctor realises just how deep those feelings truly are.
Yaz cups the Doctor’s face in her hands and forces the other woman to look up at her, and when she does Yaz doesn't know what she’s expecting, but seeing those hazel eyes looking like glass due to unshed tears is not it. And it breaks Yaz’s heart a little more. But she knows how to fix that. How to fix all of their hearts.
“Yaz, I just-”
“Just shut up for a second you daft alien.” A couple of tears run down the Doctor’s cheeks and Yaz wipes them away with her thumbs. She moves her hands from the Doctor’s face to her shoulders, and then to her arms. And then she takes a step back, because she also needs that little distance for what she’s about to say. Because she’s not sure how the Doctor will react. She’s not sure what the Doctor will think of it.
“What I had with Jesse… It was special. And it meant a lot to me. I never thought- I never thought I would come to care about her so much. Because at first my thinking was that she wasn't you, and no one could ever even come close to you. And she didn't, not in my heart at least but she still meant a lot to me. We had fun. And she was spontaneous and open and honest and made me feel a way that I don't think anyone has ever made me feel. And I really, really, cared about her. And I dont think I’m going to forget my times with her that easily but-” Yaz takes a deep breath. Now or never. “I didn't love her. Not the way I love you. Because it’s always you at the end of the day. You’re always the one I want the most and Jesse might have made me feel a lot of things, and might have given me things that maybe you can't, but- I still want you , Doctor. Just you.”
The Doctor was staring at her, mouth a little open in surprise, shock, literally any of those emotions. Like she couldn't believe that even after everything, Yaz was still here, willing to dedicate her life to her. Willing to love her unconditionally. Through it all. It was a promise she had made a long time ago, and one she would keep on making as long as she could.
I’m with you, whatever happens.
Even back then Yaz was aware she felt something for the Time Lord. But she was young and didn't fully understand yet what those feelings meant. She was falling in love slowly, and once she realised what her heart wanted, she fell completely with no chance of turning back. She knew, since then and even now, that the Doctor would always be her great love. No matter what happens in the future, the Doctor would always be her ‘once in a lifetime’ kind of love.
“Yaz-” The Doctor starts but immediately stops, taking a deep breath, avoiding looking at Yaz once again. “I’m scared.”
“Why are you scared?”
“Because I love you too.” The Doctor finally looks at her when she says it. Like she needs Yaz to realise how serious she is about her words and the only way to do it is allow Yaz to see her face “I love you. And I’m scared that if I let myself love you properly, if I let myself be loved by you, and all that implies… That it’ll hurt so much more when it’s over.”
Tears are painting the Doctor’s cheeks again and Yaz needs to resist the urge to reach out and wipe them away. Needs to resist the urge to wrap the Doctor in her arms and tell her she’s willing to risk it all. She’s willing to feel all the hurt of losing each other at some point - because their life is unpredictable, and you never know what's going to happen - because feeling that hurt knowing how much love was in there, is better than not knowing at all.
What was it her nani used to say? Oh, right…
“Courage is knowing something will hurt, and doing it anyway.” Yaz says, smiling a little, “It’s just something my nani used to say. Though she also said that’s the definition of stupidity.”
That makes them both chuckle, which Yaz considers a victory at this point. She finally takes a step closer, the Doctor still looking at her, watching her every move.
“You said - Jesse said - to live in the present of what we have, while we still have it.” Yaz continues, because she needs the Doctor to understand she’s willing to risk all the hurt if it means they allow themselves to love while they still can “Why is this all we can have?” She asks gesturing between them “Why not more? I told you, a long time ago, I wanted more of the universe. You are the universe Doctor. Isn't the joy of getting to experience this love, worth the pain, in the end? Don't we deserve that? After everything ?”
Yaz started crying halfway through, she couldn't help it. Her heart is beating fast, the Doctor is still looking at her but she’s not saying anything. The only indication that Yaz’s words had any effect on her, was the sudden sharp intake of breath.
Maybe her words will have some effect, maybe they won't. Whatever the Doctor says next will change everything between them. Will set where they’re going from here. Whether the Time Lord is willing to give them a chance or not, Yaz has already decided she’s not leaving her. She couldn't. Not ever. The TARDIS has become her home and travelling the stars with this amazing woman, has become her life. She wouldn't be able to give it up. Even if it broke her heart a little. She would rather have the Doctor the way she has now, than not at all.
But she needs to try and make the Doctor realise that this could be worth it. That them being together doesn't have to be about how it’s going to end. That they can still live and love first.
“Okay.” Is all she says, and Yaz frowns.
“Okay?”
The Doctor finally uncrosses her arms and takes a step closer to Yaz, mimicking Yaz’s gesture from earlier, she takes the younger woman’s face in her hands and wipes her tears away and then, rests their foreheads against each other.
“I can't promise you a forever. And I can't promise you that this will be easy.”
Yaz shakes her head slightly.
“I know we can't have forever. And I don't want easy.” Yaz says, grabbing hold of the Doctor’s forearms “I just want you.”
“Oh, Yasmin Khan.” The Doctor says softly and Yaz notices the light around them change colour. The blue surrounding them suddenly turns to pink.
“Why are you crying?” Yaz asks, when she moves her head a little to look properly at the Doctor and finds her cheeks damped. “This is not a reason to be sad, is it?”
The Doctor shakes her head, smiling a little.
“No. They’re happy tears. Cause I never thought-” She exhales, closing her eyes and Yaz squeezes her forearms gently, reassuringly “I never thought this would be possible. And I’m still scared. Because I know that losing you, or you losing me, it’s going to hurt both of us. So much . And that’s the last thing I ever want to do.”
“But I rather go through the hurt because I know what it feels like to live this love, than go through the hurt and not knowing at all.” Yaz explains calmly, because she knows this is a delicate matter for the Doctor.
This is a being that has lived for thousands of years and has faced more loss than Yaz can ever imagine. And Yaz knows she will be another one in the long list of people the Doctor had to grieve already. And she most likely won't be the last one. But it's worth it. All of this… It has to be worth something, right?
“I don't think I can- Be with you, the way Jesse was. I- I don't think I’m ready for that yet.” The Doctor says almost in a whisper and Yaz can tell she’s worried about that. But that is also the furthest thing from Yaz’s mind. She wants to be with the Doctor in all the ways possible. But she believes they have time to get to know each other like that. She has to believe it.
“That’s okay.”
“But, I-” The Doctor rests her forehead against Yaz’s again “But I would like to kiss you. Now. If that’s okay with you.”
Yaz smiles, tearing up again but all she can do is nod.
“It’s more than okay. Please.”
The Doctor closes her eyes and Yaz does the same. And not even a second later the Time Lord leans in until the gap between them is finally closed and their lips are brushing against each other.
Yaz was half expecting that kissing the Doctor was the same as kissing Jesse. They have the same lips after all. But she was wrong. Kissing the Doctor feels different, but different in a better way. Because kissing the Doctor holds the weight of all the love Yaz has felt for her for years now. And all the love the Doctor has felt for Yaz.
Jesse meant a lot to her. And Yaz knows she wont forget her that easily. But the Doctor… The Doctor has her heart, in ways that no one could ever have. And as the Doctor pulls back only a little to swipe a thumb across Yaz’s cheek and then looks at her with nothing but adoration and love in her eyes, and then leans back in again to kiss Yaz once more, Yaz finds that this is all worth it.
All the hurt and heartbreak and loss that they might or might not face, later rather than sooner, is going to be worth it if it means they can experience a love like this.
“I wanna take you somewhere. I still have a promise to fulfil.” The Doctor says, taking a step back and pressing some buttons on the console “It’s time to tell you everything.”
She looks at Yaz softly and all Yaz does is nod until she wraps her arms around the Doctor’s shoulders and pulls her in for a kiss again.
Her nani was right, because right now, Yaz and the Doctor are being the bravest people in the universe for allowing themselves to love each other. No matter what happens next.