Chapter Text
At first, nothing made sense.
Carson woke up in an unfamiliar bed in an unfamiliar room. A hospital, she realized. Then came the pain. Her head was throbbing so hard she felt like it might burst and if she looked at the light sneaking in behind the window curtains a stabbing pain behind her eyes made her go numb. The sound of a door slowly creaking open pierced Carson’s ears and she gasped as the light streaming in from the doorway sent daggers through her skull. A sudden, overwhelming urge to cry came over her and she reached up to cover her ears to stop the ringing.
“It’s okay, Car. It’s okay.”
“It hurts,” was all that Carson could say, tears streaming down her face as she squeezed her eyes shut. “It hurts.” She felt someone take her hands and squeeze them before placing them at her side.
“Just lay back. Relax.”
Carson caught a whiff of perfume that was familiar, but it made her uneasy. She opened her eyes slowly and saw a woman bent over her bedside. She knit her eyebrows in confusion. She knew this woman. She looked like her mother - but, no - her mother left years ago. Right? No, this was her sister. Her sister…
“Carson, it’s me. Meg.”
Meg. Different pieces of a puzzle emerged in Carson’s memory. Brisk walks to school in the morning. Dolls. Tea parties. Carson didn’t like those. Picnics with their father. A rare, but welcome treat. Shopping, baking, acting out the books they were reading and having a catch. Then came boys. Dating. Marriage and children. Nothing was the same after that for a reason Carson couldn’t quite remember.
“What happened?” Carson asked.
Meg pressed her lips together and stood up straight. “You got hurt, Carson. Broke your nose and everything. The doctor says you have a concussion.” She looked down at her hands and fiddled with the clasp of her purse. “I just got here, so I haven’t heard much else. I got the next train here after I heard from the chaperone and it wasn’t for a couple of days.”
Carson furrowed her brow. “Chaperone?” She started to sit up but winced as her head began pounding harder.
Meg looked at Carson in surprise. “Yeah, Car. Your chaperone from the baseball team. You got hurt playing ball, remember?”
Carson had no idea what her sister was talking about. Was she not in Lake Valley? Why did Meg have to take a train to get to her? And Carson had never formally been on any baseball team, at least that she could remember. She felt her head start spinning. Nothing made sense.
“What the fuck is going on?” Carson asked, an edge to her tone.
Meg winced. “Carson, you know I don’t appreciate that language. ”
But that was just it. Carson didn’t know that. If she thought about it, all she could conjure up in her memory were bits and pieces of a puzzle that didn’t quite fit together. The ringing in her ears grew louder and louder until she felt like screaming. “Meg,” Carson said shakily. Her heart started racing as tears welled up in her eyes. “I don’t remember. I - I don’t -“ She burst into tears.
Meg looked at her sister in shock. She set down her purse in the chair across the room, then went to put her hand on Carson’s shoulder. “Carson, calm down. You’re making it worse.” She let out a sigh. “The nurses told me you may be a bit confused at first, but it should pass. You just need to rest.”
Carson felt herself fading, even as her sister said it. She was so tired. That was the only thing that she was certain of.
Meg said something about a hotel down the street and then she was gone. An older nurse came in shortly after to check her vitals and asked questions like what day it was, how to spell her name, and who just came to visit. In the middle of the questioning, Carson was overcome with a wave of nausea.
The nurse grabbed a bucket from beside the bed and quickly helped Carson lean over it as she got sick. When it was over, the nurse helped her lay back down and adjusted her pillow.
“It’s alright, Mrs. Shaw,” the nurse said, reaching for a tissue. She wiped the tears off Carson’s cheeks. “You try to get some rest, now. I’ll be in to check on you in a few hours.”
Carson nodded slowly and watched the nurse leave behind drooping eyelids.
Maybe she would make sense of things tomorrow.
******
When Carson woke up the next morning, her head was still pounding and she could feel a sharp pain on the bridge of her nose. She took in her surroundings slowly. She could smell oatmeal wafting from the tray at her bedside. The air conditioner hummed as it tried to fend off the summer heat, and the itchy hospital blankets made Carson’s skin crawl. That’s right…she was in the hospital. But why?
“Oh, you’re up,” Meg said.
And Meg was there. She was sitting in a chair across the room with a book in her lap, her thumb holding her place on the page. She had gotten there last night, right? She said something about a train…but why did she take a train? Because Carson wasn’t home.
So where was she?
Carson sat up a bit. “What’s going on?”
Meg frowned and folded in the page of her book. She set it aside and sighed. “You’re at Rockford Memorial Hospital in Rockford, Illinois.”
Carson furrowed her brow and opened her mouth to speak, but Meg raised her hand to stop her.
“You were playing for a baseball team in town and got a concussion during a game on Saturday,” Meg continued. “Now I’m here until the doctors clear you.”
A baseball team?
Carson’s head pounded as she strained to remember. She had never been on a baseball team. Not a real one, anyway.
“How are you feeling?” Meg asked.
Carson stared at her sister and tried reaching for any pieces of the puzzle that would bring her to where she was now. She was on a baseball team. A real team it sounded like. Surely, Meg could offer more to help her understand. She taught Carson everything she needed to know to get through life. But baseball? No. Meg had no understanding to offer.
She never had.
“I’m talking to you, Car,” Meg said as she leaned forward in her chair. She was smiling but there was a hint of frustration in her tone.
“Sorry… I’m okay, I think,” Carson said finally. She looked at the tray of food on her bedside and reached for it, but winced as pain shot through her body.
Meg stood up. “Let me get it.” She set the tray in Carson’s lap and went to sit back in her chair. She watched as Carson fumbled with the silverware in the napkin. “I talked to Charlie this morning.”
Charlie. More pieces of the puzzle emerged. Carson had been dragging her feet. She wanted to marry Charlie, he was her best friend, but so soon? Meg was insistent. It was the right thing to do. It would be good for her. It would be good for them. Meg could have her life and Carson would have hers. Meg wouldn’t have to watch out for Carson anymore.
But here she was.
“He should be here in two weeks or so,” Meg said. “Well, at least I think so. Our connection was bad.” She set her book on the table by her chair. “I asked the doctors and you should be clear to travel in a few days. We’ll head back home and Charlie will meet us there.”
Carson tried to conjure the image of her home. It was scattered at first, but it started piecing itself together. She pictured the dishes in the kitchen cabinet, the quilt on their bed, the framed family photos on the wall, and she heard the squeaky floorboards that drove her nuts. Then, she remembered an open letter on the kitchen table. Bags packed without thought. Charlie was coming home.
Charlie was coming home.
Carson looked down at the tray on her lap and suddenly her appetite was gone.
“I think it will be good for you to be back in your element,” Meg said. “I talked to the doctor about what happened last night and - “
“What happened last night?” Carson asked.
Meg looked at Carson with surprise. “You were hysterical, Carson. Crying, yelling at me, saying you couldn’t remember anything. The doctors said that wasn’t surprising. Mood swings and memory loss are typical for head injuries like this.” Meg shook her head. “Didn’t do much for me though.”
Carson was quiet. She felt like Meg was expecting an apology, but she couldn’t even fully remember what she was supposed to be sorry for.
Meg pulled some knitting out of her purse. “Anyways, the doctor said that being somewhere familiar might help you remember things more clearly. Your memories aren’t gone , just misplaced.” She lowered her knitting and furrowed her brow in thought. “What was it he said... Like when a kid dumps out a puzzle and the pieces go everywhere. You just have to pick them all up and figure out where they go.” She went back to her knitting. “I know Charlie will help. Being back home will be the best thing for you, Car.”
So that was it.
Meg was going to whisk Carson back home as soon as possible, pass her off to Charlie, then wash her hands of the whole thing. Charlie would help her pick up the pieces, and Meg would be free to continue as if nothing had happened. Of course, she thought that was best. It was best for Meg.
“What about the baseball team?” Carson asked.
Meg didn’t look up from her knitting. “What about it?”
“I just… I don’t remember it, and -”
“Carson, I just told you your husband’s coming home from war and you want to know about some baseball team you ran off to?”
“Sorry,” Carson said out of habit. Another piece of the puzzle.
Meg shook her head. “No, it’s alright. I know you’re just…trying to figure stuff out.”
A heavy silence hung between them.
“So…what else did Charlie say?” Carson asked.
“Not much. Like I said, the connection was bad.”
“Oh.”
Silence.
And more pieces falling into place.
******
Her name was Carson Shaw. She was from Lake Valley, Idaho. She was 30 years old. Her birthday was September 20th. Her father was Richard. Her sister was Meg. Her husband was Charlie.
Charlie was at war.
He was coming home.
Charlie was coming home.
And Carson left.
Why?
Doesn’t matter.
She left and ended up here.
In a hospital.
In Rockford, Illinois.
The doctor told her to repeat facts about herself in her head, but it didn’t ground her the way that he told her it would. Instead, Carson spiraled into a jumbled mess of memories, trying to grasp for pieces that would finally go together - that would finally make sense. As much as she tried to force them together, they never did.
From what she could remember, her life seemed comfortable. She had a home and family and a husband who loved her. Still, something nagged at her. Something was missing. A piece so vital that it would make everything else fall into place because it was that piece that all of the others fit around. It would explain the tightness in her throat at the mention of Charlie and the uneasiness she felt when she caught a whiff of Meg’s perfume. It would show her why going back to Idaho felt like the worst thing she could do for herself. Why she would rather sit in this hospital room than obediently follow Meg back home.
“Well, you seem to be doing better. Physically, anyway,” Meg said as Carson nibbled at her breakfast.
Carson shrugged.
“Are things starting to make more sense after working with the doctor? You know… memory-wise.”
Carson frowned. “No.” She huffed and set her spoon down in her oatmeal. It was the same oatmeal she had been eating every day for nearly a week during nearly identical and meaningless conversations with her sister. “Some things are coming back but it’s all…mixed up.”
“Well,” Meg started with a slight shrug, “hopefully, being home will fix that. You and Charlie can spend some time together and -”
“ Jesus . ”
Meg looked at her sister in shock. “Excuse me?”
Carson huffed and set her breakfast on the bedside table. She couldn’t stomach it anymore. “It’s just… You act like I’m going to get back home and see Charlie and just be…back to normal. But I don’t even really know what that was like. I don’t even know if I want to go back to that.”
Meg pursed her lips and looked out the window. “Don’t be ridiculous, Carson.”
“I’m not -!” Carson stopped herself and took a breath. “I’m not being ridiculous, Meg. I’m just trying to talk to you.”
Meg closed her eyes and took a deep breath, clearly trying to calm herself. Her expression was softer when she turned to Carson, but the anger flashing in her eyes betrayed her. “You’re confused, Carson. That’s all. You’re going back home with me once the doctor clears you. You’ll feel better.”
Carson clenched her jaw. “But, Meg, I -”
“Carson, no,” Meg interrupted. She closed her eyes and drew in a sharp breath through her nose. “I’m going out for some air.” She grabbed her purse and swiftly exited, leaving Carson alone.
Carson sighed and leaned back into her pillow, trying to banish the pounding in her head. Her name was Carson Shaw. She was from Lake Valley, Idaho. She was 30 years old. Her birthday was September 20th. Her father was Richard. Her sister was Meg. Meg was impossible. Her husband was Charlie.
And Charlie was coming home.
Carson felt waves of sadness, anger, confusion, and anxiety crash over her all at once. Nothing made sense. Nothing felt right. She should be glad her sister was there. She should be glad to be going home. She should be glad that she was finally going to see Charlie.
But she wasn’t.
All she could think about was that something was missing. Something important that she knew would help bring her back to herself. It wasn’t back home in Idaho. It wasn’t Meg. It wasn’t her father.
It wasn’t Charlie.
Carson didn’t know what the missing piece was, but she knew that there were months between her leaving Lake Valley and now that she knew nothing about. Though Meg wouldn’t elaborate much, she knew she was on a baseball team. The Rockford Peaches.
She was a baseball player.
Carson squeezed her eyes shut and tried to remember. She reached into every corner of her mind that she could, trying to pick up any pieces that would fit - that felt right. Her head started pounding and her ears began ringing.
Nothing.
Carson let out a sob as fatigue overcame her. Nothing made sense. Nothing was helping. No one was there, and she was completely alone. So she did the only thing that she knew she could do.
She slept.
******
Carson woke as she always did. Slowly. First, she smelled the same soup she’d had for dinner for the past week. Then she heard the sound of the air conditioner sputtering in the summer heat. Next, the feeling of the blankets over her. Nothing out of the ordinary. But, then…
Her hand felt warm. As if it had been held.
“How did you sleep?” the nurse asked.
Carson couldn’t stop thinking about the feeling of her hand. She started to prop herself up and the nurse steadied her. “Good, I think.”
Then she saw her.
A tall, red-headed woman stood a few feet away from the bed. She seemed to be biting her cheek as she looked at Carson, either out of nervousness or self-restraint. Behind her stood another shorter woman. She had a cautious look in her eye as her gaze darted between Carson, the redhead, and Meg.
“Hey, Farm Girl,” the shorter woman said. “Glad to see you’re on the mend.”
Carson looked at her and furrowed her brow. She wasn’t from a farm. She also had no idea who this woman was. But when she looked back at the redhead…
Something felt different. For the first time in a week, Carson felt like she could relax. Like she didn’t have to worry, be afraid, or force herself to dig through the vacant places in her mind where the pieces of her life should be. All that mattered to her now was the present because she felt safe. She felt like she was going to be okay, which was more than Meg had done for her since she arrived. Carson tried desperately to remember something, anything about this woman. But all she had was this feeling. She felt like the missing piece of the puzzle was just out of her reach, stuck under a shelf or down in a crevice that she couldn’t quite get to. “Meg,” she said, hesitantly looking at her sister. “Who are they?”
Meg stepped forward, and the look of discomfort on her face made Carson’s head pound. “These are your teammates, Car. The Peaches, remember? This is -” She turned to Carson’s visitors. “Sorry, I didn’t get your names.”
Carson wasn’t surprised.
“Jo,” the shorter woman said, stepping forward. She glanced at the redhead and a shadow of sadness seemed to pass over her face. “And Greta.”
“See, Car? Jo and Greta. From the baseball team. Remember? That’s how you got hurt.” There was an edge of frustration in Meg’s tone. The same edge she always had when talking about baseball or any of Carson’s other ‘quirks’ as she called them.
Carson looked at her visitors and tried. She tried to remember them with every bit of effort she could manage. But she couldn’t. Her eyes settled on the redhead - Greta - and she felt a strange catch in her chest.
All she had was a feeling.
A piece she couldn’t reach.
“I’m sorry.” And she was. More than she could express. “I don’t remember.”
Carson watched as Greta’s expression turned cold. Her lips trembled as if to say something, but Jo nudged her towards the door.
“She’s been confused since the accident,” Meg said as the two women made their way for the door. “I’m sorry you came all this way.”
Jo nodded at Meg and said something Carson couldn’t quite make out. She started to call out to them, to beg them to tell her everything she wanted to know, but they were gone before Carson could react.
Meg shut the door behind them and raised her eyebrows as she shook her head. “Maybe it’s best that you don’t remember all of… that. ” She went to Carson’s bedside and moved the chair back to where it had been across the room.
Carson hadn’t even realized it had been beside her.
“How long were they here?” Carson asked.
Meg shrugged as she reached into her purse for her knitting. “Not sure. I left shortly after they got here. I had to grab some things from the hotel and make some calls. I was gone maybe an hour or so?”
Carson looked at the empty space by her bedside, then down at her hand. The warmth from before was gone. “Meg?”
“Hmm?”
“I want to go to a game.”
Meg frowned and shook her head. “Carson…”
“Just one,” Carson pleaded. “Please. Before I -” She hesitated. “Before I go home.”
Meg looked up at her sister and sighed. “Are you sure that’s a good idea? I mean, all the lights and the noise and -”
“It can’t be any worse than being on a train to Idaho,” Carson interrupted. “Please. If I can’t remember playing for the team, I at least want to remember seeing them play.”
Meg grimaced and shook her head as she busied herself with her knitting.
“Just one game, Meg. Please.”
Meg huffed and set her jaw. “Fine,” she said, not looking up from her work. “One game.” She paused for a moment, biting her lip, then looked up to point a finger at her sister. “But only if the doctor says it’s okay.”
Carson couldn’t help but smile. “Okay,” she said, nodding. She leaned back against her pillow and rubbed her hand, trying to see if she could get the warmth from before to resurface.
She was part of the puzzle. Greta was. She knew it.
She just needed to find a way to reach her.