Chapter Text
The Baroness jolted awake to Castin gently shaking her and calling to her to wake up. She bolted upright, her breathing fast and shallow, and realized quickly that there were tears streaming down her face. It was still dark out, she must not have been asleep more than a few hours. As the events of her nightmare began to come back to her, her breathing started speeding up, despite her best efforts. Her heart was racing and she was starting to feel light headed. Castin pulled her into a protective hug, which provided a calming pressure she tried to lean in to. “Sweetheart, you need to breathe.” He said quietly, “Take deep breaths with me.” As she tried to calm down her breathing, she held Castin tightly, assuring herself he was there. He breathed in slowly through his nose and out through her mouth and she focused on trying to follow along. Soon she could feel her breathing begin to slow down.
“There you go, Sweetheart” he murmured as her breathing finally became more steady, “I’ve got you. You’re okay.”
They stayed like that for what felt to the Baroness like hours, but it was probably only a few moments. Her heart rate began to come down and the dizziness began to ease. Eventually she pulled away to wipe the tears out of her eyes, and Castin reached over to the bedside table to grab a glass of water for her. He continued to rub her back as she downed the entire glass. He put the cup back on the table and pushed her sweat-soaked hair off her forehead, looking concerned.
“Sorry I woke you.” She mumbled hoarsely. She averted his gaze and looked down at her hands, picking at the skin around her nails. She hated when she made him worry.
“Sweetheart, you absolutely don’t need to apologize for that.” Castin said firmly.
She had hoped so badly that the nightmares would stop now that Castin and her had reunited. Not only did they not go away, but they got worse somehow. She had never woken up in the midst of a panic attack like this before. She’d usually jolt awake, catch her breath quickly and find a way to distract herself before eventually drifting off to sleep again.
“Hey,” Castin said gently, “Look at me.”
He put a finger under her chin and gently lifted her head so she was looking him in the eyes. “I told you yesterday that you can talk to me about anything. I mean it. Even- no- especially this kind of thing. You don't have to pretend everything's fine.”
She felt tears beginning to prick at the back of her eyes again, “I know. I’m sorry. I just… you’ve been through so much recently, Castin. I know how difficult it’s been and I didn’t want to add to that burden.”
His gaze softened and he cupped her face in his hands, “Sweetheart, you are incredibly selfless. It’s one of the things I love most about you, you genuinely care so deeply about others. But you’re allowed to put your own needs first sometimes. You will never be a burden to me. I promise.” He smiled softly at her as he wiped some more tears from her face, “I love you more than anything. I’d go to hell and back for you. By comparison, talking about a few nightmares is nothing.” She let out a huff of laughter and he continued, “Did this nightmare have to do with the siege?”
She nodded.
“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked carefully, “I won’t make you talk about anything you aren’t ready to, but it might help.”
She was quiet for a moment as she gathered her thoughts, “I’ve been having them since the night after we were released. They’re a little different every night. They’ve never been this… intense before.” He began rubbing her back again in slow, circular motions. She could tell he was a little exasperated that she hadn’t told him earlier about how long the nightmares had been going on, but he didn’t say anything. She was thankful for that.
“Sometimes the dreams are me in the palace, and I manage to escape the room I'm in and I try to go find the other hostages, but suddenly the palace becomes a maze of endless turns and I get lost. Sometimes in that dream someone is trying to catch up with me, but not always."
Castin's eyebrows furrowed slightly, but he continued looking calm as she spoke. She knew inside he was berating himself for not getting there sooner, finding a way to stop it completely. She reached over and held his hand, squeezing once in reassurance before continuing. "Most of the time they’re about that first day. Often it’s about Captain Dolian." she closed her eyes in an attempt to shut out the images that came rushing into her head as she said his name. "I just watch him getting killed over and over and over again. And no matter what I do, I can’t stop it. I’ve thought about that day probably a thousand times. If there was anything I could have done to give us a different outcome.”
“Sweetheart, you can’t do that to yourself. None of us saw this coming. There was no way for you to know.” Castin said softly. “Trust me, I’ve thought about it too.”
She smiled sadly at him, “I know you have. You shouldn't blame yourself either, darling."
He smiled back at her, squeezing her hand in return, "I know. But we're talking about you now. Don't try to deflect this back on me."
She let out a short laugh. She often got on him for trying to deflect when he didn't want to talk about his feelings. It was only fair that he called her out for the same.
"Right. Sorry." She took a deep breath to prepare herself to continue on. "With Dolian, I tried to save him. I went to stop the bleeding and put pressure on the wound… but he was already gone, I think. In the dreams sometimes I try to stop the bleeding but no matter what I do there’s more and more blood until I’m almost drowning in it. Sometimes I watch him get stabbed and look down and realize I’m the one holding the sword. But tonight-“ she took another steadying breath, “Tonight, I saw him get stabbed and he fell face down. I ran to him and rolled him over to get to his wound, but I realized it wasn’t him. It was you.” Castin stilled next to her and she continued, “You were bleeding out and I was trying to save you but I couldn’t stop the blood. And I begged everyone around me to help, but they didn't. Instead they started dragging me away from you and I was screaming but no one listened.”
It was silent for a moment as he processed everything she had said. Finally Castin said, “I wanted to ask you about everything today when you showed up. I just saw how happy you seemed this evening and I didn’t want to make you relive it again. I should have asked.”
The Baroness shook her head, “I should have told you.”
Castin took her hand and placed it on his chest, over his heart so she could feel his heart beating. “I’m all good, babe. No stab wounds here.”
She laughed softly, thankful for the break in the tension. He smiled at her for a moment before becoming serious. “I wish I could take all of this from you. I’ve seen death many times. Probably too many times. Part of the job, ya know? I know I sometimes give you a hard time about not seeing any of the war, but really, I was so glad you never did. I never wanted you to have this weight on you.”
“It’s not the first time I’ve seen death, Castin.” She told him, gently. “I’ve seen it plenty of times. Before I officially inherited my title I worked as a volunteer at clinics along the border of the Empire and Intacia for about a year while I was in school.”
“Really?” Castin asked, surprised, “How did I not know this?”
She shrugged, “It never really came up. I had wanted to show the people under my steward that I wasn’t going to just be about words without action the way many nobles of the Empire are. Being a baroness meant more to me than money and power. Many different types of people came through. Mostly wounded soldiers, sometimes farmers who had accidents with their equipment,or sick children. And of course not everyone made it.”
She paused for a moment as memories from those days came back to her. It had been almost 10 years since then. She was still a teenager. Her parents thought it was beneath her to fraternize with the public in such a way, but she had signed up anyway.
“My parents weren’t particularly thrilled, but that wasn’t anything unusual. I learned a lot, and to this day I think it’s the thing I’m the most proud of doing. Even more than my schooling.” She paused for a moment and smiled teasingly, “Well except for marrying you of course.”
She turned her gaze back towards him and noticed he was staring at her with a strange look on his face.
“What?” she asked, confused.
“Every time I think I couldn’t possibly fall more in love with you, you somehow manage to surprise me.” He said, the awe apparent in his voice.
She felt herself blush and looked away, “Oh, stop it. Any decent person in my position would have done the same.”
Castin snorted, “Okay, sure. Any decent person. How many actually did?”
She thought for a moment, annoyed that she couldn’t come up with a single name. Eventually she sighed, “I’m sure someone did. To be fair, it’s not like I broadcasted it. I wanted my actions to speak for themselves, not boast about them. That would defeat the purpose. I mean, even you didn’t know about it, so what’s to say there aren’t others.”
Castin rolled his eyes, “Babe, you are the smartest person I know, but there is absolutely no way you are right about this one.” He paused for a moment before shaking his head slightly, “I can’t believe I never knew that about you.”
She smiled, “I am too. Where did you think I learned how to stitch you up all the times you come back bleeding all over my floors?”
He laughed fully at that and pulled her in for a slow kiss. She reached her hand up to place it back over his heart as she leaned into him, feeling its steady rhythm. She had mostly shaken off the nightmare, but something in her still wanted the reassurance that her goofy, kind, handsome husband was still here with her. He slid his hand into her hair and deepened the kiss, and she followed suit happily. After a few moments they breathlessly pulled away from each other and Castin leaned forward to touch his forehead to hers. They stayed like that a moment before he asked, “Promise you’ll tell me if you keep having these nightmares?”
“Promise.” She told him earnestly.
"And promise you'll wake me up when you have them?" He added.
She hesitated for a moment. He had just recovered from the lack of sleep he had put his body through only a few weeks before. As long as she didn't wake up in a panic attack, she didn't see why it was necessary. He pulled back a little in order to look her in the eyes as he sensed her hesitation.
"Please?"
She sighed. Sometime he made it incredibly difficult to resist him. "Alright. I promise."
"Thank you." He said earnestly, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek. “Are you feeling better?”
She nodded, “Yes. Thank you, love.”
“Do you want to try going back to sleep? Or do you need a distraction?” He grinned mischievously “Cause I can think of a few things to distract you if you want.”
She laughed and swatted his arm gently, “You are a menace.”
He shrugged, still grinning, “What can I say? It’s hard not to be when you have the sexiest wife in the world.”
She rolled her eyes, smiling. When she married Castin almost two years ago, she never would have imagined that their relationship would end up like this. This ridiculous man ended up becoming the best thing that had ever happened to her, and she thanked the Goddess every day that things ended up the way they did.
She leaned in and gave him another quick kiss before giving him a mischievous smile of her own, “Well I suppose I’m not too tired. Why don’t you tell me all about this distraction you had in mind.”