Chapter Text
Dear Ava,
I haven’t written in quite some time. I want to say it’s because I finally found myself and began living my life happily ever after. But I didn’t. How could I live my happily ever after without you anyway? I’m trying to move on, to live, and, I’m getting better at it, but there are some lines I can’t cross, some things I can’t do without you.
One of those numerous things, is, for instance, falling in love. I am irremediably in love with you Ava Silva. I’m waiting for you, and, I am happy to do so. Of course, I would rather have you by my side right now, but… Waiting for you is… It doesn’t hurt. Having lost you hurt like hell, and I know it will until you’re back, but waiting, waiting for you is actually good. It gives me hope, it’s what gets me going, what keeps me moving. I hope that doesn’t sound too much like an epiphany, because it is not. To be completely honest, however, the past weeks have been hard and full of doubts – and I might have rediscovered some truth I might have forgotten, along the way. Hence the maybe epiphany-like style of that beginning. Now that I’m feeling a bit better, here is the entire story.
I've kept in contact with Corentin. He is a nice guy, around my age, passionate about arts, and overall, a pretty interesting dude. He introduced me to his group of friends: Lucie, Alice, Thomas, and Gab. Gab is non-binary and Lucie is bisexual. While Lucie wasn’t out when I met them, it feels… strange but good – definitively good – to be surrounded by members of the LGBTQ+ community and be able to hear them discuss those topics freely. (“Strange” is only to be understood as “I’m not used to it”, but, really, it is an awesome thing and I want to be around long enough to get used to it. I want to work on myself, until I don’t find it “strange” – again, with absolutely no judgment or anything – when a girl speaks about her girlfriend, or a boy his boyfriend, or someone about their transition or preferred pronouns, or their lack of sexual or romantic attraction. I want to work on myself until I can proudly talk to people about you, without fears or guilt – and, hopefully soon, without sadness, without having to mention that you are not there .) So, yeah, I guess, the bottom line of these past weeks is that I made some pretty awesome friends. But it hasn’t been that easy. There were...complications.
At first, it felt weird, being surrounded by other people my age, other people I could call “friends” who weren’t members of the OCS. I haven’t had actual friends in so long… I’ve had sisters , and then, I had you , but it wasn’t… It was different. Although I consider my sisters friends, and while you still are my best friend first, it is different. Being with Corentin, Gab, Lucie, Thomas, and Alice, at first, made me feel really out of place and guilty. I liked – I like – spending time with them, but, at first, it felt like I was betraying everyone: my other friends, my other family, my sisters, and even you to some extent. I wanted to talk to you about them, but, I just couldn’t… I felt too guilty, even though I had no reason to be. Then, when I finally managed to spiral out of that guilt enough to take a pen and a sheet, it suddenly felt… I don’t know, childish, immature, silly? And, at the same time, like I wasn’t worthy to talk to you anymore? All of that is really confusing. I still don’t exactly know why or how my mind suddenly betrayed me like that, but… Yeah, at the moment where I finally began to feel better, when I finally felt like I was beginning to live my own life, as Bea , I… I just spiraled right back in.
I spiraled right back in. Right back into the pain, right back into the guilt and the self-loathing. I managed to keep a straight face – I don’t even know how I pulled it off, I don’t even think I wanted to be pulling it off but, I don’t know, I guess my mind and body went back to survival mode. I don’t think anybody noticed I wasn’t well, but, as soon as I was alone I just… was back to a very dark place, and, from that place, writing to you felt impossible. I still have dozen of unfinished rough drafts laying around. Taking the pen, tracing the three letters of your name, was just so so hard and felt so so vain. Just as hard and vain as getting up, some mornings. Some mornings, your absence, and all the losses we suffered are so heavy they pin me to the mattress, threatening to suffocate me. Some mornings the vastness of the things I can or want to do, paired with how lonely and unprepared for them I feel, terrifies me so much I just stay frozen, unable to move, unable to get up. Some mornings the guilt and darkness within me are just... too much .
So, yeah, that was where I was at and what happened next didn’t help, at all – at least at first. Now that I’m a bit better, I… I don’t know, I feel like, maybe it was bound to happen at some point, and I’m glad it’s done? Anyway, trigger warning for deeply internalized homophobia (thanks Lucie for that word) and religious guilt (thanks to the Internet for that one).
Corentin told me he had a crush on me, and I just… I panicked. I hadn’t done anything, I did not reciprocate his feelings – I’m in love with you, plus, even if I wasn’t, I am gay – nonetheless, a huge wave of guilt submerged me. Guilt related to you, first, even though, once again, I have absolutely no reason to feel this way, even though these voices in my head were absolutely wrong: you lead him on! How could you do that to Ava? How could you do that to the woman who sacrificed herself for you? Who you claim to love? You must have given him the wrong ideas! His feelings for you are a betrayal of Ava! Liar! Betrayer! Adulterer! And then, there was the guilt rooted in religion and what I have been told my all life: he is a nice boy, you’ll hurt him if you don’t reciprocate his feelings. Come on, you shouldn’t make him suffer like that. Be nice and love thy neighbor. Play along, reciprocate his feelings – even though you’ll be a slut doing so, because your body won’t be pure anymore. Though, is it still pure? And that’s only the tamer thoughts that came to my mind.
I went on a full-blown panic attack. It had been years since I’ve had one. They still suck, by the way. Big time. After that, I… I don’t know, I spend a very dark couple of days. I didn’t check in to work, I didn’t answer anyone, I barely ate anything… Camilla had to drag herself all the way to Paris to slap me in the face and get me on my feet. (Figuratively, of course – although she did drag me into an old-school training.) She… She has grown so much, Ava. She is still that kid I mentored, she is still that sweet girl who played piano at Shannon’s funeral and made people smile with her. She is still the heart of the OCS, the heart of us , but she just gained so much confidence! She really embraced that sweetness of hers, and made a strength out of it. She is Mother Superion’s right arm now, and she excels at it, without ever letting the burden of such a job grind down her optimism and faith. I’m so admiring of her, I’m so proud of her, and I know you would be too. I can’t wait for you to see her like that. (And she can’t wait for you to be back too. She misses you as well. Everybody misses you.)
Anyway, thanks to Camilla, I snapped out of the worst of it, but I still felt…guilty, unworthy. I still couldn’t write to you, no matter how much I wanted to. I told Corentin that I didn’t reciprocate his feelings, though. But, I didn’t say why, I didn’t say I am gay. (Again, it makes no sense. I’m totally cool with other people being gay. I’m still not used to it being a possibility, but I’m totally cool with it! More than cool, each time someone mentions being LGBTQ+, there is this... warmth , this spark of happiness, spreading in my belly. But, when I have the possibility to come out, I just… I just don’t. I can’t. I freeze.) Unfortunately, Corentin didn’t take it very well… He wasn’t like a stalker or anything, but, yeah he didn’t take it well. One night, we were at our usual bar – I still don’t drink, I’m waiting for you for that, but I try to go out more – and he got pretty drunk. He started telling everybody how it wasn’t fair that I had rejected him. It was very embarrassing. I’m pretty sure I’ve never been as embarrassed in my entire life. (Although, I’m sure you could totally change that, and in a more positive way. In fact, I can’t wait for you to do that.).
Surprisingly, Corentin’s friends took my defense and tried to talk him down. At some point, Lucie said – all of them were at least a bit tipsy, I don’t think she would have told that otherwise: “Well, maybe she just isn’t interested in boys, man! Get over it!”
To that, Corentin responded: “Please! She doesn’t look gay! Plus, even if she was, she would have told me!”
(At that point, I was starting to feel very uneasy again, with negative thoughts spiraling faster and faster. I remember feeling like if I were to open my mouth I would either pass out or throw up. That’s why I didn’t say anything, and Lucie kept defending me.)
“First, don’t judge a book by its cover. Secondly, she doesn’t owe you any explanation! No is no, man!” she responded.
But Corentin wasn’t convinced and made it known. In the heat of the debate, and the alcohol not helping, Lucie suddenly blurted out:
“Well, I’m bi and I never told you!”
At that point, I felt a panic attack coming up, so I made my way to the restroom. Lucie and Alice followed me, and one of them held my hair back while I was puking. (Gross, I know, I know, sorry… I guess it goes with my try at getting less, prudish? Or, at least, nun-like?)
The next morning, I had an enlightening talk with Lucie – she is very nice, I know you’d like her, and, just in case you were worrying, don’t, my feelings for her are totally platonic and she has a boyfriend, they’ve been together for almost three years. I remember asking her, in a very unlike Sister Beatrice's voice: “Do… Did you know that I am… I mean, did you say that just because, or because you think I might be…?” (I couldn’t. I tried to. I wanted to. I wanted to tell her – that I am gay . I want to talk to her – about you, about all the things I would have wanted to talk to with Mary and Shannon. But, I froze, again.).
To that, she had a very funny, yet enlightening quote: “Don't worry, I just live by the motto ‘ gay until proven straight ’. Some might say it’s biphobic, but, to me – a bisexual person, might I recall – it’s just about aesthetics. ‘ Bi/Pan until proven otherwise ’ is more accurate, for sure, but it doesn’t have the same ring to it. It’s not as provocative.”
The mere idea of looking at people and not automatically assuming they are straight is so... simple , but so contrary to everything I’ve been told that hearing it – especially in such a provocative way – moved me, somehow? I know, it probably doesn’t make much sense, but…
From there, she managed to talk about sexual and gender issues. (She is majoring in gender studies.) She shared her own experiences and she talked about compulsory heteronormativity and internalized homophobia, and… I mean, I’ve heard those words before, but hearing her say them, from her LGBTQ+ point of view, for her educated point of view, it was… Again, I don’t know how to express it exactly, but it was...something. Something big. She never directly said anything about me , but, let’s be real, I think she knows – and, I’m fine with it. I’m just disappointed I couldn’t say it to her, but… It will come, right?
Anyway, she really helped me. Gab helped me a lot too – again, without hinting at anything directly, but… Alice and Thomas were very supportive as well. And Corentin apologized profusely, once he sobered up and dealt with the residual hangover. Yet, I’m afraid to have messed up their group dynamics. They don’t exactly give Corentin the cold shoulder, since he apologized, but I think something is still broken there, and it might need time to be mended. Plus, I also know, while she hasn’t directly said anything, that Lucie wasn’t ready to come out, and I can’t help but feel it’s my fault she did. They’ve known each other for several years, and I just arrive and mess up their relationship… I feel kind of guilty, despite their reassurances. (I still need to work a lot on not feeling guilty about everything, right?)
So yeah, Ava, your absence hurt but waiting for you doesn’t. I love you, I love you so much, and I learn to accept that part of me – the part of me that love women, the part of me that loves you – a little bit more every day. I can’t not love you, I can’t fall in love with anyone else than you, and dreaming of all the things I don’t want to do, and won’t do, without you isn’t limiting or entrapping: it’s hope. It’s the very nature of dreams and optimism. Camilla has faith in God, I have faith in you. I have you.
Love and yours always,
Bea.
PS: I told them! And by them, I mean Gab. So it’s still just one person, but still! I did it! I said the words, I actually said the words: I am gay! No more implicit phrasing or convoluted beating around the bush. I’ve said it! It feels… I know it’s stupid, I know it’s only one person – one person who I knew would accept me, who I knew already knew – but still! It also made me realize that I’ve never told you. Again, I know you knew, I heavily implied it on several occasions, and, you know, we did kiss, but… Ava, I can’t wait to say: “I am gay!” to you. Along with: “I love you”, obviously. I know it’s silly, but still, I can’t wait.