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Chapter Text

From the moment he swallowed the love potion antidote, two things happened: everything changed and nothing changed. The lovely sense of euphoria and buoyancy in a heavy world was gone. Unfortunately, it was not forgotten. Regulus could still remember how it felt to be so free and so open that he could behave like a love-struck fool.

Love potion or no, Regulus was still a love-struck fool for James Potter. Only now, everyone had seen his love, seen his shame. He didn’t know how to live with that.

After fleeing from his brother and company, he ran straight to his dorm room. Evan was sitting on Barty’s bed when he came storming in, their heads close together as they spoke. They both looked up, startled at his sudden appearance.

Without giving them a chance to say anything, Regulus threw himself onto his bed and locked the curtains shut with a flick of his wand.

“Reg,” Barty said hesitantly from the other side of the green velvet. “You alright in there?”

He threw up a silencing charm before the sound of his tears could reach his friends. He’d embarrassed himself enough already.

Since Regulus ran from him in the hospital wing, Sirius had waited on bated breath for his brother to reappear. He spent every meal ramrod straight in his seat, gaze alternating between the Great Hall entrance and where Reg’s friends sat. A week ago, he could barely stand the sight of his brother. Now, he’d do just about anything to see his posh face.

After almost a week where Regulus didn’t resurface, Sirius was getting desperate.

“Why doesn’t his head of house do anything?” Sirius demanded, biting into a piece of toast and glaring up at the main table where Slughorn sat. “He’s missing meals and classes.”

“Chew, swallow, then talk,” Remus said, not glancing up from his morning tea.

Pete, the least affected of the Mauraders giggled. “Swallow. Bet it’s not the first time Moony told Padfoot to do that, eh, Prongs?”

James, who normally would’ve laughed loud enough to fill the whole hall at something like that, just nodded minutely. Unlike Sirius, his best friend had been seated facing away from the Slytherin table for every meal. Sirius didn’t know if James was embarrassed at potentially seeing Regulus again after the love potion incident, but he’d been subdued and withdrawn since the hospital wing.

“Enough is enough,” Sirius declared, bringing his hand down on the table hard enough to rattle his plate.

“You have to finish your veggies, love,” Remus said, still not looking up. “I don’t want to have this same argument at every meal.”

“Damn the vegetables, I’m talking about my brother,” Sirius said. “Prongs, I’m borrowing your cloak.”

To Sirius’ surprise, James followed him up to the tower to retrieve his invisibility cloak and then trailed him down to the dungeons, completely silent and occasionally wringing his hands. Once they were standing in front of the entrance to the Slytherin common room, James broke his silence.

“Should I…should I come with?” James asked.

Sirius clapped him on the shoulder, wincing. “Er—probably best I go alone, mate. Reggie will probably let me live.”

James seemed to wilt like a deprived flower, but he nodded in understanding.

Sirius had no clue what the current password was, but luckily, a younger student came running along before too long, and he was able to slip in behind them under the cloak. There were a few Slytherins gathered around the black, marble fireplace. None of them were his brother, so he soldered on to the 6th-year, boys’ dorm.

Since he’d seen Reggie’s two roommates at breakfast, he swung the door open and immediately pulled off the cloak with a flourish. If nothing else, making fun of Sirius’ dramatic ways usually brightened his brother’s mood. The show was for naught because the curtains were drawn around what he assumed to be his brothers’ bed by process of elimination.

Drifting closer to the bed, Sirius said cautiously, “Regulus? You in there?”

There was a long pause and then a small, unused voice croaked, “Go away.”

“No can do, little brother,” he said, whipping out his wand and spelling the curtains open after a couple of tries.

Regulus shielded his face from the light pouring in. He was greasy, unwashed, and his skin was so pale it was almost translucent. The only color to be seen in his face was his red-rimmed eyes. Though it looked like the boy had spent most of the past week in this bed, there were dark circles etched under his eyes.

“Budge over,” Sirius said.

Regulus flipped over onto his side, facing away from his brother. Though it was unclear if this was his intention, the move left just enough space for Sirius to lie flat on the bed next to Regulus. The older boy studied the ceiling for a few moments, weighing words in his head.

“First off, it wasn’t supposed to be you,” Sirius said. “We weren’t trying to dose you with the love potion—”

“Happy accident, was it?” Regulus muttered bitterly.

“Not happy but, yes, an accident. I’d never–James would never–”

“I don’t want to talk about James. If that’s what you’re here for, you might as well leave. Shouldn’t be too difficult for you. You’ve done it before.”

“Ouch, okay,” Sirius said. He took a deep breath, letting the cold dungeon air in. “That’s actually what I wanted to talk about…. I wanted to apologize for accidentally slipping you a love potion and for leaving–Well, not for leaving Grimmauld. That place was killing me, Reggie, but I’m sorry I left you.”

After waiting in vain for his brother to say something, Sirius decided to breach an even more touchy subject. He had to know.

“Would you have come with me? If I asked?”

Still facing away and seemingly studying the curtains, Regulus shrugged a shoulder. “Doesn’t really matter now, does it.”

Sirius sat up, leaning over his brother to get a look at his face. “No, no, it does. It really does, Reg. Because I still want you to come with me. I wanted it then, but I think I was scared to ask and have you say no.”

Regulus made a derisive sound but didn’t interrupt.

“I think I convinced myself you were a lost cause, so I could feel less guilty. But those couple days, with the love potion, it was like we were brothers again. I want that back.”

“I don’t know if I can give you that, Sirius, even if I wanted to.” Regulus gestured at his haggard appearance and the bed that had been his home for a week. “It’s not always like this, but even when it’s not, I feel so empty all the time. Like there’s nothing to live for, and I’m just going through the motions until someone stops me. The love potion gave me a false feeling of euphoria. I don’t know if I’m capable of feeling anything like that on my own.”

His chest felt tight at his brother’s words, but all he said was, “Maybe we can fix that if you leave that place.”

While Sirius was used to doing all the talking–especially where Regulus was concerned–he held his tongue through the resulting silence of his confession. A voice in his head that sounded suspiciously like Moony told him to wait. Using every last bit of his patience paid off, because a few moments later, Regulus flipped onto his back, so Sirius could see his face better.

There were a few tear tracks present, but Sirius knew mentioning them would get him hexed.

“I’m to join him–the Dark Lord–over winter hols. They’re having me take the mark,” Regulus said, face unreadable.

Inside, Sirius raged against his parents for forcing this on his brother, Voldemort for recruiting children, and Regulus for staying and getting caught up in this whole mess. Instead of sharing these sentiments, Sirius took another cleansing breath.

“Is that what you want?”

For a split second, the room was deathly silent, and Sirius waited for a reply that would likely change their relationship forever.

Finally, Regulus shook his head, and Sirius felt a weight lift off his chest. “I don’t want my life to be about joining some Dark Lord, murdering a few muggleborns, and then dying young.”

“I’d never let you die young, Reg,” Sirius said. “I’m going to see you with age spots and wrinkles and let you know every day what an old, ugly crone you are.”

Regulus’ lips curved slightly, and he halfheartedly tried to push Sirius off the bed.

“Come with me to the Potter’s this break,” Sirius said after their scuffle died down.

“I’d rather drown myself in the Black Lake.”

“That wasn’t a request.” He poked his brother’s cheek, and Regulus swatted his hand away. “If you hate it there, I can find us something for summer break.”

An emotion Sirius couldn’t place flashed across Regulus’ face. “You’d really leave Potter to live with me?”

“Really, really,” Sirius said softly. He pulled the younger boy into a hug. It was a little stiff and awkward, but they’d have plenty of time to practice.

“Speaking of James,” Sirius said, ignoring the warning look Regulus sent his way, “I know he’d like to see you. Lots of people would–once you’ve bathed, of course. As your new legal guardian–”

Regulus rolled his eyes. “I’m seventeen, you idiot.”

“As your new legal guardian,” Sirius insisted, “I can’t allow you to miss any more classes. Don’t make me ground you.”

Regulus’ laugh was short but genuine. His smile, however, died a tragic death before his next words. “I’m not ready to go out there and see everyone. I just can’t.”

“Reg, we kept you out of the public eye. The only people who saw you on the potion are your friends and mine. What’s there to be embarrassed about? We all know it wasn’t real.”

Regulus looked away from his brother, but not before Sirius got a good look at his face: pure heartbreak. He’d seen it in the mirror during those dark times before he worked up the nerve to tell Remus how he felt.

Did Regulus have real feelings for James? When would his baby brother have even had time to go and fall in love with his best friend? Irrationally, he felt a little jealous and put out at this revelation.

Regulus still wasn’t looking at Sirius, his body tense enough to snap. After stewing in his thoughts for a moment more, Sirius decided now might not be the time to discuss this.

“Come on,” he said instead. “I’ll run you a bath and then we can go to the kitchens. Avoid the Great Hall.”

The younger boy nodded slowly, agreeing, but hesitated to move from the bed.

“You really didn’t dose me on purpose?” Regulus asked, voice wavering. “It wasn’t some joke you made up to humiliate me?”

“I promise.”

The first time James saw Regulus after the love potion fiasco, the younger boy was coming out of the Transfiguration classroom, and James tripped over his own feet rushing over.

“Oh, hi, Reg, hey. You look great, hi. How are–”

With a wave of his wand, Regulus vanished James’ tongue. “Do not call me Reg.”

After that, James had to run to Moony, opening his mouth and gesturing madly so that the fellow Maurader would catch on to the problem.

“I’d love to help you, Prongs, but I have to think of the common good,” Remus said. Lily, seated beside him in the library, snickered.

He eventually got his tongue back, but doesn’t get Regulus. The younger boy avoided him like the plague and would as soon hex him as look at him. It was disheartening to say the least.

In his head, James knew that Regulus had really only been a part of his life for three days. After a short adjustment period, he shouldn’t miss or think about him any more. But in his heart, he knew it wasn’t that easy. In fact, the longer he went without Regulus, the more he missed him. The Slytherin plagued his every thought.

About a week after the tongue incident, James and Sirius are alone in their dormitory while Remus and Peter collect snacks and butterbeer for a night in. He didn’t have any proof, but James was pretty sure his friends had caught on to his melancholy.

“So Regulus is definitely coming home with us for Christmas?” James asked.

“For the tenth time, yes, he said he would.” Sirius shook out his hair. “Took a little wheedling on my part, but I swayed him.”

It went without saying that Sirius had to go to lengths to convince Regulus to come to the Potter’s because James would be there. The thought made James’ shoulders droop a bit, which didn’t go unnoticed by his best friend.

Sirius sighed. “You fancy him, don’t you?”

James jerked up straight on his bed, eyes flying wide open. “What? Fancy–fancy who?”

“Spare me,” Sirius said, rolling his eyes.

When Sirius jumped up from his bed and headed towards the other boy, James braced himself for a fist to the face. Instead, Sirius grabbed him by the collar and hauled him to the door.

The Black brother shoved the Maurader’s Map into James’ hands. “As much as I hate this, I can’t watch the two of you be pathetic all holiday long.”

“The two of us?” James said, bewildered.

“Go tell Reggie how you feel. Trust me. It’ll be liberating.”

“Last time I tried to talk to him, he hexed my tongue out.”

“Then I’d do it quickly, mate, before he has time to go for his wand.”

When Sirius slammed the dorm door shut behind him, James figured he didn’t have much of a choice in the matter. He left the tower and wandered the hallways for a bit without checking the map, mulling over what he was thinking.

Before too long he came to a conclusion: James Potter was not a thinker. He was a doer.

With a little help from the map, he found Regulus in the Quidditch locker rooms, putting away his broom after a ride. He was wearing a loose fitting sweater and dark trousers. Both articles of clothing were soaked through from the storm outside.

“You really shouldn’t fly when there’s lightning,” James said, the words coming of their own accord.

Perhaps lecturing the younger boy wasn’t the right move, because Regulus immediately fished his wand out from his back pocket.

“Wait, wait.” James held his hands out in front of him in a sign of peace. “Just give me five minutes.”

Regulus glared and pointed his wand at the Gryffindor.

“Three minutes?” James asked.

“One,” Regulus said, lips thinning. “And then I’m going to start throwing lightning at you.”

“Deal,” James said eagerly.

Looking alarmingly like his brother, Regulus rolled his eyes and motioned for James to say his bit.

“Ok, well, first, I’m really sorry about the love potion. I don’t know if Sirius told you it was an accident, but–”

“He did.” The boy’s expression was carved out of stone.

Swallowing around the lump in his throat, James said, “Right. Of course. But even so, I’m really sorry. We never meant–”

“Is this really how you want to spend your minute? The one that’s almost over, mind.”

With the clock ticking down, the Gryffindor blurted, “Will you go out with me?”

Regulus blinked, but to James’ relief, didn’t hex him. “Go out with you?”

“Yeah, like a date.”

The confusion cleared from the Slytherin’s face, and he snorted, turning back towards his locker. “You don’t want to go on a date with me. You want to go on a date with the happy-go-lucky boy who was infatuated with you. But he’s gone, so unless you plan on drugging me again, your minute is up.”

When the younger boy tried to leave, James put himself in his path. “I don’t want to go on a date with love-potion you. That version of you…well, he was fun but kind of a whirlwind, you know?”

Regulus didn’t respond, but James hadn’t been hexed yet, so he had to assume that was a good sign.

“I don’t care if you’re happy-go-lucky or moody and hexing my bollocks off. I just want to be around you. I like you when you’re quiet, when you’re loud, when you’re mean, when you’re kind. Every part of you I’ve seen, I like. I want to see more.”

“What happens when you don’t like what you see?” Regulus asked, eyes hard.

James snorted. “I wouldn’t hold my breath on that one, love.” He took a step closer to the boy, practically holding his breath in anticipation. “So?”

Regulus pursed his lips, but his eyes softened a fraction. “Next Hogsmeade weekend, the Three Broomsticks, noon. Don’t be late. I’d hate to have to tell your parents what became of their only heir.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it, Reggie.”

The nickname was possibly a step too far, and James returned to his dorm, victorious, with lightning-singed eyebrows.