Chapter Text
II
6 a.m, 3/12/20, The log
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Espen wiped away at his eyes, trying to rid himself of his drowsiness. He stumbled cautiously through the house, Avoiding the creaky boards and being careful not to lean too heavily on the cracking rail of the staircase. Zorgen was still asleep, and Espen didn't want to wake the man who had been so generous to him thus far. He took his cup of the same coffee he had made nearly three hours prior. It was cold now, but he couldn’t seem to care. Caffeine was caffeine. Espen stood silently, leaning against the countertop. He kept expecting someone to come out from a different room and give him an order, or for his troops to come in frantically and explain the last battle’s results hurriedly, or for the cleanup crew to come back from that same battle with the corpses of men in body bags. But instead, there was nothing in the log but him and his coffee. Espen looked down to the ground, noting his “head general” tag still embroidered on his chest. A part of him wanted to cut it out of the vest, or to change into something that didn’t openly state the blood on his hands… but at the same time, he almost didn’t want to let go of the title.
From the staircase, the sound of light footsteps echoed. Espen set his coffee cup down and straightened his posture out of instinct, hovering his hand over his satchel defensively. Down came Zorgen, seeming as if he hadn’t slept in years. Zorgen yawned, blinking to clear his vision as he saw Espen. “Hey, y ou wwoke uupp!” Zorgen said drowsily, nearly falling down the steps as he did so. “Careful there Tak, you’re barely awake.” Espen replied, approaching the bottom of the staircase to catch his brother if he fell. The room quieted as Zorgen barely got to the end of the steps. “Zorgen.” Zorgen said. “Pardon?” Espen said, confused. Zorgen paused. “My name is Zorgen.” He said, his tone serious- almost cold, even. “General Espen, sir.” Zorgen added on sarcastically. Espen opened his mouth to spit some deep-cutting retort, but instead opted to keep his mouth shut. He held no power here. Zorgen sighed. “I’m sorry.” Espen didn’t respond. The room fell silent as Espen looked up to his brother. After only seconds, Espen spoke up. “You should be sorry.” Espen set down his now empty coffee mug. “You know what- Maybe next time I'll report you to…” Espen cut himself off and bit his lip. Zorgen looked down on Espen, a sense of sympathy rising in him. “It’s alright.” Zorgen said. “You’re alright.”
Espen simply stood there thinking. There was nobody to report Zorgen to now, even if he needed to. There were no higher-ups here. And there was no Geluiddemper now. Espen maintained his composure to the outside world, ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶L̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶V̶a̶n̶ ̶Z̶i̶c̶h̶t̶ ̶h̶a̶d̶ ̶t̶a̶u̶g̶h̶t̶ ̶h̶i̶m̶ ̶h̶o̶w̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶d̶o̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶q̶u̶i̶t̶e̶ ̶w̶e̶l̶l̶, But internally he felt like he was about to lose it. “Hey, are you alright…” Zorgen asked, reaching out his hand. Espen flinched back at the hand, hitting his elbow into the countertop. “Ah! I’m sorry I-” Espen pulled his arm from the counter and rubbed where it was hit. The room was silent once again. “Hey.. let’s take a walk.” Zorgen suggested, hoping some of the tension between them could ease if they did so. “There’s hundreds of people trying to hunt me down and put my head on a pike.” Espen said casually, as if he were talking about the weather. “I think it’d be better if we didn’t. ” Zorgen sighed. “Nobody else is remotely near here, remember?” Espen shook his head. “Except for the people who want my head on a pike. That’s kind of why we met them in the first place..?”
“We are going on a walk, Liefde.”
“Espen.” Espen reminded.
“We are going on a walk, Espen.” Zorgen corrected.
In the end, Espen caved. The two got themselves together in Zorgen’s winter gear. Oddly enough, Espen could still fit into his gear from when he was a child. “You ready?” Zorgen called, already at the front door of the log. Not long after, Espen came to Zorgen’s side covered entirely by various pieces of clothing, not a single bit of his fur showing apart from his face. “Great!” Zorgen said, opening the front door. The outside was covered in a blanket of fluffy white snow, the sun glittering on it to make it appear bright and shiny. Zorgen confidently stepped out into the white abyss, but Espen lagged behind. “Hm? Is something wrong?” Zorgen asked, noticing how unwilling Espen was to step outside. “I told you, nobody is out there right now.” Espen just stood there. After what felt like hours, Espen was finally coached outside. “See? Nobody’s here but us.” But it wasn’t the people that worried Espen. The chilled air cut Espen at any patch of fur he had failed to provide sufficient heating for. With every step Espen took in the soft, white snow he grew more and more panicked. He could almost see the bloodstains again. Zorgen kept droning off about something, but Espen couldn’t focus on his brother’s words at that moment if his life depended on it. Eventually, Espen couldn’t make himself walk any further. His mind was filled with memories and images, all of which were too vivid for him to handle. But there was no escape, the entire outdoors was like this. “Liefde?” Zorgen called out. Zorgen had walked further ahead of Espen while he was idle. “Are you alright?” Espen barely seemed to hear him. He didn’t move, or speak. All he could do was stand there, too afraid to do anything. Espen felt like at any moment, someone- or some thing could simply pop out from the snow and drag him six feet under. “Liefde. Look at me.” Espen looked up to his brother again, making shaky eye contact. “Are. You. Alright?” Espen nodded his head. Of course he wasn’t. “No, no you aren’t. I’m not blind.” Was he really that obvious? “Do you need to go back?” Espen didn’t respond. He just couldn’t. Zorgen took Espen’s hand. “Let’s go back.” Zorgen started walking, taking Espen’s hand with him. Espen shuffled behind him, practically being half-dragged.
The duo finally made it back to the log. Espen was the first inside, pushing Zorgen behind him with little regard for his brother’s safety. He just wanted to get inside. Espen sat down on the floor in the main room hurriedly, not taking off his gear. After a few minutes, Zorgen came inside with him. “What was that?” Zorgen asked, hoping he didn’t come off as rude. Espen sat there, his mind littered with thoughts and images, none of which were pleasant. “Espen!” Zorgen, who was now suddenly closer to Espen, called out. “Snap out of it! What’s going on?” Espen put his hand up to his face for a few seconds. The blood wasn’t there. “I’m sorry, I really am- I just-” Espen said, slowly inching back away from Zorgen until he hit a wall. “Why are you apologizing?” Espen stopped completely. Why was he apologizing? “Look- Lief- Espen.” Zorgen breathed. “Is this something with the Land Van Zicht again?” Espen sat there. He had been read like an open book. “...I.” Espen started, then stopped. “When I was head general…” Espen stopped himself again. Was he really as stupid as to release all his weakness to the man he hasn’t known since he were a kid?
And so, he sat there, staring up at his brother from the floor like a bug waiting to be squashed by the shoe. “You can trust me, Espen. I’ve seen the horrors of that place. I won’t hold anything against you.” Espen stared at Zorgen’s face, Espen’s expression was one of pure fear. Zorgen moved down slowly, which prompted Espen to curl into a ball, shielding his face and putting his hands over his head. Zorgen sat on the wall next to Espen, his hand held softly and supportively on his brother’s back. “It’s alright, You’re alright. Take your time.”
Espen never did tell his brother why the snow freaked him out so badly. Instead, the two fell asleep after hours together right there on the floor, Zorgen holding his brother supportively as Espen cried secretly under his hands.