Chapter Text
Cal was so fucking tired.
“Master,” he whined, dragging his feet as he walked. “Master, can we please take a break?”
Master Tapal chuckled. “You’re the one who wanted to make this trek, young padawan.”
Cal pouted, taking another breath and coughing as it burned the back of his throat. “It’s cold.”
“Yes, I’m aware.”
“Master?”
“Yes?”
Cal hesitated. “I can’t feel my hands.”
Tapal turned around, sighing at the image of his padawan, shivering in the cold, eyes wide. He was so small, so young. “Maybe I overestimated you,” he said softly, crouching down so he was on Cal’s level. “Come here.” He held his arms open, and Cal immediately buried himself deep into Tapal’s chest.
“I’m sorry,” Cal muttered softly, putting his fingertips to his mouth.
“What for?” Tapal asked, holding Cal close and trying to urge some warmth back into him.
Cal sniffled. “I couldn’t make the trip. We have to go back now.”
“Yes, we do,” Tapal agreed. “But that’s nothing to be sorry for.”
“But-“
“No buts,” Tapal interrupted, standing and tucking Cal into his cloak. Why hadn’t his padawan brought his? Why hadn’t he realized Cal wasn’t wearing it? “You’re so full of sorrys and buts, my little padawan. Look at all you accomplished.” He turned, showing Cal the snowy path they’d walked. Nearly fifteen kilometers. “It’s very impressive, especially for a freezing cold little boy.”
Cal sniffled again, wiping his nose on his sleeve. “‘M not little,” he insisted weakly. “M’ seven!”
Tapal chuckled. “I suppose you are,” he said. “Come on. Let’s get you back to the ship.” He began walking, still holding Cal, although Cal wasn’t about to start complaining. His feet hurt, his hands were very tingly, and for some reason his ribs hurt, almost like someone had punched him really hard.
The gentle rock of Tapal’s walking soothed Cal to sleep almost instantly, and he was out cold in minutes.
When his eyes opened again, he was standing straight, hands behind his back, on a star destroyer. He’d never been on any ship this big before, and the Albedo Brave was starting to make his head spin. He glanced to Master Tapal, who was standing beside him. “Master?”
“What is it Cal?”
“Are they coming soon?”
Tapal nodded. “Yes. Just a minute more. Can’t you feel them?”
Cal reached out, poking at the Force and immediately hitting a wall. A wall of bodies, all the same, and yet all different.
“I can,” he said softly, continuing to shift through the bodies. “Who’s that at the front?”
“That’s Commander Overhead.”
“I thought I was a Commander?”
“Cal, you’re nine years old. You’re going to be sharing the responsibility.”
“I’m ten.”
Tapal looked shocked. “You are?”
Cal nodded. “My birthday was last week. I’m ten.”
“I’m sorry,” Tapal said, looking down at Cal. “We’ll celebrate as soon as we can, okay?”
“Okay.”
The sound of marching feet filled the hangar, and Cal put his hands behind his back again. They had company.
The 13th battalion marched out into the hangar, and Cal gasped. There were so many of them. Some of them had armor painted in streaks of honeyed gold, while others wore blank white plastoid. There was one, at the front, that Cal desperately wanted to meet.
“Sir!” The one at the front said sharply, saluting Tapal and Cal. “I’m CC-1068 of the 13th Clone Battalion, at your service.”
Tapal smiled. “It’s good to meet you, Commander Overhead. I’m Jedi Master Jaro Tapal, and this is my padawan, Cal Kestis.”
Cal waved.
Overhead took his helmet off, and Cal stared up at him. He looked very nice. “If we may, sir, where is the mess hall? Unfortunately, a lot of our men had to skip a meal so we could depart in time.”
Tapal frowned. “That won’t do,” he decided. “Cal, do you remember your way to the mess hall from here?”
“I should,” Cal said slowly.
“Then would you please escort the men to the mess so they can eat,” Tapal said. “And while you’re there, why don’t you grab something too.”
Cal smiled, nodding and immediately dropping all the formalities he should’ve had as he walked to Overhead. “C’mon,” he said. “I think it’s this way.” As he walked, he rubbed a spot just under his heart. Why did it hurt all of a sudden?
“Are you okay?”
Cal looked up. “Yeah.”
A clone smiled down at him, his curly hair a mess on his head. “I’m Tanji, one of the medics.”
“Cal Kestis,” Cal introduced, shaking Tanji’s hand. “It’s good to meet you.”
“Kestis!”
Cal whipped around, staring down the smoking remains of a battlefield. He should’ve been more afraid, more emotional, but he’d been in this war for almost a year and a half now, he was painfully used to this.
“Commander Kestis!”
The voice echoed across the charred field, and Cal went running, feeling for that pulse of life, ringing out amongst the dead silence.
As he ran aimlessly, following the Force, Cal prayed he wouldn’t see any familiar faces on the ground. None that he knew, that he would mourn.
He wasn’t so lucky.
“Singer!”
Singer was on the ground, holding his twin, Wings. Singer was crying, clutching onto Wings like a lifeline.
“Sing,” Cal said, skidding to a stop beside Singer. “Are you okay? Are you hurt?”
“Wings,” Singer said quietly, still hugging his twin tight. “He won’t wake up!”
Cal’s heart twisted. “I’m sure he’s okay,” he said quickly. “I’ll call the medics, and we’ll get him back to camp, okay?”
Singer shook his head. “I tried the medics,” he said. “They won’t come get him. He won’t make it.”
Cal didn’t want to say it, he couldn’t, but he knew. Knew the medics were all right. He couldn’t pull a pulse off Wings, no sense of life left in what was once such a lively man. “We have to get back,” he said softly. “It’s gonna rain soon.”
“I’m not leaving him.”
“Okay.” Cal wouldn’t fight Singer. Instead, he sank to his knees and began to meditate, one hand on his knees and one hand on Wings’ chest. He could feel the gentle echoes push off the chestplate, off the clone himself. Life, love, happiness, family, kinship, and joy. Wings lived a life so full of it all.
“Cal?”
Cal looked up, through a fog of rain at Master Tapal. “Master?” When had night fallen? Wings was so cold, and Singer was nowhere in sight. “Where’s Singer?”
“He’s with Stick,” Tapal said, kneeling down beside Cal. “They’re taking good care of him. We should get you back to camp before you get cold.”
“Okay,” Cal whispered, standing. He reached out as they began walking, one hand taking Tapal’s, the other tucking up on his chest, rubbing a sore spot.
He reached up, rubbing rain out of his eyes, and as suddenly as he opened them, he was on the Albedo Brave , the alarms wailing as he raced through the halls and vents, panic gripping his heart. His chest burned like crazy, and he was panting as he ran.
“Any sign of the padawan?” He heard as he ran.
“None, but we’re still looking.”
Cal whimpered, clutching his chest as he stumbled across a loose grate. Why was this happening? What even was happening?
Another small trip across a pipe, and Cal bit down on his lip to keep from crying out. He could hear blaster fire, had they found Master Tapal? Were they killing him? Would he even be alive to meet Cal at the escape pod?
“Cal.”
Cal jumped a platform, hoping the voice he heard was in his head. He didn’t need anyone drawing attention to him.
“Cal, kid.”
“Stop,” Cal whispered, just barely above a breath.
“Come on Cal.”
Cal shook his head, climbing up a destroyed piece of the ship, the warm metal digging into his palms.
“Cal, it’s okay.”
Another jump, this time accompanied by shouting. “We found the padawan! Fire at will!”
“Cal.”
Cal yelped, deflecting the blaster bolts and feeling a pit of guilt well in his stomach. Those were his friends he was killing.
“Cal.”
“No,” Cal whimpered, running forward and finding a rope that would take him up, towards the next level. Towards the escape pods.
“Cal, wake up!”
Cal screwed his eyes shut, shaking his head as he climbed. “Stop!” He shouted, although at what, he wasn’t sure.
He opened his eyes aboard the Mantis , drenched in sweat, crying. His entire body was shaking uncontrollably, and he took a deep breath, immediately regretting it when a fire burned through his ribs.
“Hey,” Greez said quickly from his side. “Hey, kid, you gotta stay still. That’s it, calm down. The painkillers should start kicking in soon.”
Cal nodded quickly, the dizzying pain fading slowly. Once he could breathe again, he looked at Greez. “What happened?” He whispered, clutching Greez’s hand. “Did we win?”
Greez pat Cal’s hand. “You won, kid,” he said. “It wasn’t pretty, but you won.”
“Is Cere-“
“She’s okay,” Greez promised. “Resting. Merrin’s with her right now. But you need your rest too.”
Cal sat up, gritting his teeth and taking shallow breaths until he was upright. “What the fuck happened to me?”
Greez chuckled. “Lightsaber to the gut. Cere said you’re lucky that sabers automatically cauterize wounds, otherwise you’d be at the bottom of an ocean right now.”
“Oh.” Somewhere in his fuzzy memories, he could vaguely remember being stabbed. It hurt a lot, but the painkillers were definitely helping. “Where’re we headed?”
“Bogano.” Greez stood, grabbing Cal’s disc player and putting a disc on it. “Figured we could land out there for a while, clean some junk out, let you heal. It’s still calm out there, so no worries of Imperials. Just a nice place we can relax.”
Cal nodded, leaning against the wall and clutching Maverick close. “How’s Cere?”
“Tired, but she managed to get out unscathed,” Greez said. “Merrin had to pull you both out of the ocean, but Cere was fine, just overworked thanks to your rebreather. You, on the other hand, are very lucky. You inhaled a lot of water, and the obvious gaping hole in your chest.”
Speaking of which, Cal shifted his pale green shirt and examined his chest. It was a mess of bandages and bacta patches, a small teal stain radiating out from just under his heart. Aside from the obvious, he didn’t feel any pain, no weird aches or bruises. He felt relatively okay, mostly just ridiculously tired.
“But we won,” he said softly. “We did it?”
“Your holo-whatever is sitting on the table in the galley,” Greez confirmed. “I’ll go get Cere. She wanted to talk to you once you woke up.”
“How long have I been out?” Cal asked, suddenly worried.
Greez shrugged. “Couple’a days,” he said. “You were in bad shape, Cal. Worse than we’ve ever seen you. You needed to rest.”
Cal nodded. “‘M gonna use the fresher,” he said, standing with a groan. “Tell Cere I’ll meet her in the galley.”
While Greez told Cere that Cal was awake, Cal fumbled in the fresher, nearly falling on his ass multiple times before finally bracing himself against the sink and looking in the mirror.
He looked like a complete mess. His hair was overgrown again, laying in a floppy, greasy mess on top of his head. His face looked bruised, his eyes somehow ringed in sleepless purple despite the fact that he’d been asleep for days on end. His skin was sallow, paler than usual and making his time-faded freckles pop out. He looked twelve again, both in age and expression. He hadn’t worn such a recently haunted expression in a long time.
Splashing some water on his face to rinse away the worst of his sleep grime, Cal rubbed his eyes and ventured out to see Cere.
Cere was sitting at the table in the galley, and immediately stood to steady Cal as he hobbled down the hall. “You’re awake.”
“I’m awake,” Cal agreed. “Where is it?”
“On the table,” Cere said, helping Cal sit on the couch beside Merrin. The holocron was in front of them, its shining blue light spilling out across the table.
Merrin glanced at Cal. “Do you feel better?”
“No,” Cal said. “Still feel like I was stabbed.”
“News flash, you were stabbed!” Greez reminded him, setting a bowl of soup in front of both Cal and Merrin. “You’re taking it easy from now on, Cal. And not the same kind of easy you had after that Sorc Tormo shit. You’re really taking it easy this time. Two weeks of rest, minimum!”
Cal looked sheepish. “I will,” he promised. “And I didn’t have any life threatening injuries after that!”
Cere raised an eyebrow. “You nearly bled out in the fresher and you broke three bones in your hand and wrist.”
Cal didn’t respond, staring daggers at his soup like it had personally offended him.
Merrin smiled. “That is why there are stains on the floor,” she noted. “Interesting.”
They all sat there in relative silence while Cal and Merrin ate, monitoring Cal more than anything. He ate half the bowl and that was it, they accepted it and let it go. No need to push on finishing his food after having been stabbed and tube feed for three days.
“So,” Cere said after taking Cal’s bowl away. “What do you want to do with the holocron?”
Cal floated the holocron towards him, holding it gingerly, as if it would burn him if he wasn’t careful. “There are a lot of children on this list,” he realized quietly, staring at the device in his palm.
“There are,” Cere agreed. “While you were sleeping I looked at the list. It’s nearly a hundred children.”
Cal looked pale, still staring at the holocron. “Training them would be dangerous,” he whispered. “Really dangerous.”
“It’s your choice Cal,” Cere reminded him. “Whatever you want to do, we will follow in your lead.”
Cal activated the holocron, watching with glazed eyes as name after name scrolled through the air. He couldn’t even read them all. He reached to his side, where his lightsaber sat. In one swift move, before he could register the action and overthink it, he activated his saber and swiped it up, slicing the holocron in half and watching the pieces fall, dead, to the table.
Silence. It was silent on the ship, everyone watching Cal as he deactivated his saber and set it back down.
“I was a little boy once,” he whispered. “A child, and it was dangerous. I was paranoid, scared, doing everything with my head on a swivel, thinking every minute would be my last before someone found me and killed me. These kids don’t deserve to live like that. They’ll stay hidden. As they should.”
Cere smiled, putting a hand on Cal’s shoulder. “You’re a good man, Cal. You made the right choice.”
Cal grinned at her, eyes teary. “So,” he said. “What now?”
What now was Greez’s promised rest. Cal was shuttled off to bed, where Merrin sat with him and they played a fun game of ‘I’ll lay here and tell you how to dismantle a lightsaber and you’ll try to do it without getting fatally injured.’
“No, you have to unscrew the emitter first,” Cal said, eyes closed as he lay on his bed. “Both of them.”
Merrin pouted, unscrewing both emitters. “What now?”
“Pick up the allen wrench off the bench, and there should be two tiny screws near the top, where the emitter screw-on is.”
“I see.”
“Unscrew those with the wrench and don’t lose them. Then the cap should slide right off the focusing lens.”
There was a beat of silence, in which Cal could hear two tiny sounds as the screws were removed. “Okay,” Merrin said, slipping the cap off the lens. “This is very warm.”
“There’s no crystal in it, so you can’t hurt yourself,” Cal promised. “Next, there should be a silver switch plate just above the main hilt piece.”
“I see it.”
“Toggle it so it’s off.”
There was a click. “I have toggled it.”
“Good. You can take the plate off the switch, it’s just two regular screws, and that’ll give you just enough wiggle room to pull the hilt cover off.”
Merrin poked her tongue out of her mouth as she worked, finally shimmying the hilt cover off. “What next?”
“Now that the hilt cover’s not in the way, you should be able to unscrew the entire control module from the hilt piece.”
“And next?”
“Should be the grip and the core. If you look really close, you should be able to see four screws for the allen wrench. Unscrew those and the hilt piece should come off the energy core and grip.”
Merrin picked up the wrench and followed Cal’s instructions.
“What are you two doing in here?” Greez asked, poking his head into Cal’s room.
“Merrin’s dismantling my saber and then she’s gonna put it back together.”
Greez paused. “Why?”
Cal opened one eye, grinning like a feral tooka. “Boredom.”
Greez stared at the two teenagers before sighing deeply and walking off. “Cere!” He shouted, causing Cal and Merrin to laugh.
“What now Cal?” Merrin asked, looking at the saber parts scattered in front of her.
Cal closed his eyes again. “You have the hilt off the core?”
“I do.”
“You’re practically done. If I was doing maintenance I’d talk you through the wiring and the mechanics, but I’m not, so you can just reverse the whole process and put it back together.”
“Okay.” Merrin hesitated, hands over the pieces, before she scooped up the hilt and beginning the tedious process of screwing everything back together.
“Cal Kestis!”
Cal sat up much faster than he meant to at the shout, and when Cere came into the room, she was met with the sight of Merrin guiltily sitting at Cal’s workbench and Cal doubled over in bed, hugging his own chest and breathing deep.
“After last time,” Cere chastised, helping Cal sit up straight and pressing her hands to his wound. “You think you’d learn to be a bit more careful with your saber, hm?”
“Yeah, you’d think,” Cal rasped, leaning into Cere’s hands. “Sorry.”
“It was my idea,” Merrin said. “Cal was complaining of boredom and so I asked him what he used to do when he was a child to stop being bored.”
Cal nodded. “Caleb and I used to play with one another’s sabers all the time,” he said, his voice still small. “See who could dismantle them faster.”
Cere sighed. “Yes, but Merrin isn’t Caleb. You have to be careful, Cal. I’m not saying you can’t do it, but maybe try doing it when you can actually sit up on your own, y’know?”
“Yeah,” Cal said. “Sorry.”
“It’s okay,” Cere promised. “Why don’t I supervise, and then you have to change your bandages.”
So Cere watched as Merrin slowly put the saber back together, impressed at the ease with which Merrin worked, never hesitating in her actions, moving with purpose, right up until she screwed the emitter back on and smiled. “Done.”
Cal looked over at her. “Let me see,” he said, accepting the saber and scooping the crystal off his bed. He slotted it in, smiling when the saber turned on and hummed happily. “You did great. This is perfect.”
Merrin beamed.
“Please tell me no one got stabbed!” Greez called from the galley.
“We’re all okay!” Cal called back, slowly hauling himself out of bed. “Medkit’s in the fresher?”
“It is, but you’re going to the medbay,” Cere said, smiling when Cal groaned. “Merrin, would you help him?”
Leaning on Merrin for support, Cal slowly walked to the medbay, sitting on the exam table and letting Merrin unbutton his shirt for him, although he insisted on slipping out of it himself.
Now that he was fully shirtless, Cal could take a better look at the bandages. They were wrapped solidly around his ribs and over his left shoulder, the worst of the thick gauze padding a spot just under and to the side of his heart.
“He was aiming to kill me,” Cal mumbled, poking at the injury and hissing in pain when it stung worse than expected. “Couple of inches and I’d be dead.”
“You’re lucky you flinched as hard as you did,” Cere said as she walked into the medbay, grabbing a pair of black gloves and wiggling them on. “How’re you feeling? You’re probably due for some more painkillers.”
Cal shifted, playing around with the pain and finding his limit. “It’s really sore. A lot of pain on my left. Moving this arm,” he wiggled his left fingers, “really hurts.”
Cere nodded. “If you want, we have a sling here. It should help with some of the pain.”
“I’ll think about it,” Cal said, wincing as Cere began to unwrap the bandages. “Ow.”
“Oh shush,” Cere said lightly. “Merrin, can you go into that second drawer on the left and grab a syringe and one of the butterfly needles? It’s the one with the tube attached to it.”
Merrin stood off the table and went to the drawer while Cere gently peeled the bacta-soaked gauze patch off Cal’s chest. Cal swore quickly and in a colorful mix of languages, balling his fists through the pain.
“I see Tapal taught you Lasan swears,” Cere said as she tossed the second patch onto a metal tray. “Very impressive.”
“Read them in a book, he would’ve never,” Cal grumbled, breathing heavy and baring his right arm for the painkiller shot despite his fear of needles. “Fucking stick me, please.”
Cere smiled. “Patience, Cal,” she said, rubbing an alcohol wipe on Cal’s arm and sticking the butterfly needle into his arm, quickly administering the painkiller. “This is the good stuff, it should help you get all the way through the night.”
Cal went limp as the painkiller worked its magic, letting Cere poke at the injury at his side. He didn’t look down. He didn’t want to know how bad it was.
A pleasant cool radiated outward as Cere replaced the bacta soaked gauze patches, followed by a dull pressure as the fabric bandages were rewrapped around his chest and over his shoulder.
“You still want that sling?” Cere asked, pulling her gloves off.
“Might as well,” Cal mumbled, opening his eyes.
So Cere and Merrin carefully helped Cal into the sling once his shirt was back in place. He watched, amused, as his hand was wrestled into place, finally immobile.
“That should spare you some pain,” Cere promised, ruffling Cal’s hair. “And I’ll give you a trim sometime soon. You’re starting to look like a Wookie.”
“That might be an insult to Wookies,” Merrin quipped sweetly.
Cal gasped in mock offense. “Cere!” He said. “Merrin’s being mean to me!”
“You’re seventeen,” Cere said with a happy smile. “Make up like adults.”
Cal pouted as they all headed into the galley, ready for dinner.
Greez looked over as they trailed in. “I see you managed to wrestle the kid into a sling.”
“He’s high, he let it happen,” Cere said, sitting down and watching everyone else settle in, BD-1 crouching by Cal’s side.
“Alright, I made everyone’s favorite,” Greez said, putting bowls in front of everyone and distributing sporks. “Eat up.”
Cal looked down at his bowl, sniffing the contents experimentally while BD scanned it. “Greez, what’s in this?”
“It’s noodles, kid. It ain’t fancy,” Greez said. “I’ve made it a million times before. It’s bantha meat, bone stock, noodles, some dehydrated veggies and spices, and an egg.”
“Are those green onions?”
“Yeah, I found them at the market and thought I’d toss them in. It’s been forever since I was able to find them for a reasonable price.” Greez stared at Cal as Cal pushed his bowl as far from him as possible. “Why?”
Cal shrugged as best he could with the sling, wincing as the movement jostled his ribs anyway. “My epinephrine implant was really expensive. Plus, anaphylactic shock isn’t fun, epinephrine or no.”
Quiet. There was quiet for a solid minute before Greez exploded. “You’re allergic to green onions? Why the fuck didn’t you say something! I could’ve killed you on accident!”
“I mean,” Cal defended quickly. “I’m not an idiot! And they’re so uncommon now that I thought I’d be good. Plus, I kinda forgot.”
“Forgot he has a life threatening allergy,” Greez grumbled, immediately marching back to the kitchen to find something else for Cal to eat. “That’s bantha-shit. Anything else we should know about that could potentially kill you?”
Cal shook his head. “It’s just green onions that’ll kill me. I swear.”
“And here we thought we’d have to be keeping a sharp eye on the things Merrin ate,” Cere said with a smile.
Merrin tipped her head. “Why?”
“You haven’t been exposed to many foods outside of Dathomir,” Cere explained, watching as Greez popped a container into the reheater. “We thought you’d at least have some severe intolerances.”
“Nightsisters have very resilient stomachs,” Merrin said plainly. “We do not experience allergies and intolerances like humans do.”
Greez put the container in front of Cal, who smiled. “Eat that,” Greez said. “It’s just noodles and cheese sauce. Something my great grandmother used to make for us when we were real little.”
Cal thanked Greez softly, eating slowly, as if he was testing the waters of his stomach.
“So,” Cere said, looking around the table. “I was thinking we could use the resources on Bogano to make ourselves a nice shelter, somewhere we can call home. Some renovations will have to be made, but I think it’s doable.”
Greez nodded. “Think that’s a good idea,” he said. “Once Cal gets better it’ll be easier.”
Cal smiled, taking another bite of his dinner. “We’ll have to find a market,” he pointed out. “A good one if you want to do some real renovations. But there’s plenty of places to make a home in on Bogano, so we’ll have enough room for everyone to have a space.”
“I am quite eager to see this Bogano you speak so highly of,” Merrin said.
“We’ll land sometime day after tomorrow,” Greez said. “We’re resting until then.”
“Yeah yeah, I know,” Cal said lightly, poking at the last bite of his food. “Can I go to bed?”
Cere nodded. “The painkillers must be really kicking in. You can head to bed. BD, keep an eye on him, okay?”
BD trilled and followed Cal down the hall, beeping happily when Cal picked a record disc to play, the light music filling the space.
“And he’s off to bed,” Cere whispered once she heard the music playing. “He’ll be okay.”
Greez chuckled. “Merrin, you hurry off now too,” he said, gesturing for their second teenager to go to bed. “I’m sure Cal’s left room on his bed for you.”
Merrin stood and left, and they could hear quiet mumbling from the ship’s younger residents before silence settled once more.
“And there she goes,” Cere said, smiling. “I’ll take first check?”
“I’ll do it,” Greez said. “You’re still not at 100% yet. You need sleep.”
Cere laughed. “Sure thing Captain,” she said. “I’ll see you in the morning.”
Greez waved her off, and when it was only him in the galley, he grinned and sat on the couch.
The ragtag crew of the Stinger Mantis slept, at ease after so much suffering. So much pain. They had peace.
They had one another.