Chapter Text
And thus, when it searches for me later
Who knows if death, the anguish of those who live
Who knows if loneliness, the end of those who loveI can tell myself about the love (I had):
Let it not be immortal, since it is flame
But let it be eternal while it lasts.Vinicius de Moraes
(...) I knew that just because I love you, it didn't entitle me to have you. But my life force begged the Gods I wanted to see you again.
💮
It was a sunny morning, a day after their time together in the garden, and Shaka was in a very good mood. Shaka and Kiki were sitting on the bench of Sala Trees Garden, waiting for Mu, who was near enough to listen to their small talk. They almost never spent time together, so Mu decided to not spoil their little moment so immediately.
Kiki kicked and crawled onto the bench. Shaka pulled him by the shirt without much kindness.
“Sit still and be patient. Your Master is on his way.” - He said. Kiki stopped promptly.
Very rarely, Shaka spent his time mentoring a few children that he selected with rigid criteria; he never tolerated them in his temple, let alone in his garden. Kiki was an exception, despite his constant lack of patience with the child and Kiki’s enduring fear of asking anything from Shaka, they got along ‘well’.
Kiki usually saved all of his abstract questions for Shaka: reincarnation, demons, spirits, afterlife, and everything considered odd, and frightening but cool for a child. The Gold Saint heartily listened to his questions, trying his best to answer them and share some wisdom.
It melted Mu’s heart and he enjoyed the idea that Shaka did it because of him as well. It didn’t occur to Mu, back then, that Shaka’s growing attention and sincere affection bestowed upon Kiki, was (indeed) because of him, but also related to his dying day approaching.
“Lord Shaka, why don’t you use the jewels you are gifted to buy chocolate bars? Master Mu said you love candies. I saw many jewels all over your place! You would be much happier if you traded them for chocolate bars!”
Shaka laughed, exhibiting his pure-white teeth... A short laugh, Mu noted, that laugh, his laugh, rare, carefree, crystalline, and beautiful. A laugh he would never hear again.
“There is no right recipe for happiness, my little friend.” - Shaka answered - “But for me, I think it’s easier to be happy when you don’t own anything.”
Kiki seemed confused, so Shaka resorted to a practical example:
“If your Master gives you a chocolate bar, and it falls in the mud, won’t you be very sad and cry like the last time?”
Kiki nodded. Then he reflected for a while and understood:
“So, Lord Shaka, If you don’t have anything... you don’t lose anything... and then, you are not sad?”
Shaka laughed again.
“Somewhat, yes... but the truth is that you can own chocolate bars, however, you shouldn’t be overly attached to them, do you understand?”
Shaka’s words put Kiki in a deep philosophical state, then, after a very long moment, he finally answered:
“Master Mu is your chocolate bar, so you must get rid of him?!”
Shaka held his urge to laugh at Kiki’s simple and honest conclusion because he noticed the boy was serious. Serious and terrified. Kiki was panicking and on the brink of tears, trying with some difficulty to hide his sorrow from Shaka.
Shaka kneeled at Kiki’s eye level, put his hand on his shoulders, and slowly opened his lively turquoise eyes. Bright blue eyes scanned intently the lavender eyes, looking at the boy’s heart, looking at his soul. Kiki recoiled. The children of the village had so many tales about the Saint who kept his eyes closed all the time, Kiki thought he would turn to stone or ashes (so said the tales). Shaka had such an intense stare, but Kiki, following the teachings of his Master, remained temperate and endured Shaka’s gaze, something no adult had managed to do until then, and Shaka - mentally - commended him for that. Kiki wouldn’t try to teleport unless he felt imminent danger, but he wasn’t feeling it emanating from Shaka. It took lengthy seconds, but Shaka finally spoke:
“No, Kiki.”
“No?” - Kiki asked, confused.
“I will never get rid of your Master Mu.” - Shaka replied. - “However, one day I might leave your Master Mu behind to dedicate myself to my duty with the Truth. If it happens, it will be because I feel for him and this Earth an endless love.”
Kiki understood nothing but sighed relieved for the sake of his Master.
Mu understood everything and trembled like he had been stabbed in the heart.
For me, sometimes it felt like you were too holy, because your thoughts were high up above, out of the league of a simple human. You knew too much. You felt too much. You had too much weight over your shoulders. However, I had to remind myself - that before any holiness - you were only my Shaka, above the ordinary man's status indeed, but not divine enough to cut yourself from me and the rest.
These memories shimmered as sparkling stars. Shaka, Mu, and Kiki disappeared, and the bright sparks formed another image of a darker time and place.
“How could I stay in Scorpio temple while this treachery happens here? They murdered Shaka!” - Milo walked all the way from Scorpio to Virgo.
“Mu, did you come here to help Shaka as well?” - Aioria asked. But Mu held the gates.
“Shaka...” - Mu felt Athena’s heart filled with immense sorrow.
“Forgive me, Shaka.” - Mu cried. The gates opened.
“Take it, in memory of Shaka.” - Saga said, giving Mu the rosary, Shaka’s warmth still lingered on it. Mu understood.
These memories became fog and reshaped, building an image clear as day, Shaka’s golden hair and body entangled with his. In the garden, they were laughing and talking between quiet moans and love whispers.
“You are my special karma” - Shaka managed to say playfully, refusing to break their kiss. Mu’s hands were everywhere, and the flowers' petals rained over their naked bodies.
“Why do you say that?” - Mu asked, panting, still moving inside of Shaka, he knew Virgo never spoke of karma as a joke, so he felt delighted by the confession.
“You are so sensible that you don’t allow yourself to be fooled by my mind games.” - Shaka admitted in long paused whispers, and Mu laughed, sharing another kiss. - “I admire you, Mu.”
💮
While you were there, behind those gates, I wonder if even for the fleetest fraction of a second, you ever wished that I could have opened them to aid you. Sometimes, seldom... I still ask for your forgiveness. But then, I am reminded of your brutal willfulness. You were the most wilful person I ever met, Shaka. In Samsara, you were unbreakable and resolute in your convictions. You rarely doubted and hesitated. Could you be a Goddess like Sati to be reborn and unite with Shiva again? Could you be a Goddess like Shakti, the eternal? Oh Stars, if only you had the willpower of a God to keep your unity in Nirvana. But no, Shaka, I know your willpower dissipated with the divine bliss because you wished for that. I just want you to know that I don’t regret anything. I know you would never sacrifice unless there wasn’t another way. It was an honor for me, Shaka, that you trusted me enough.
The jasmine bushes ruffled, and Mu was alert, but soon he felt that innocent cosmos meant no threat.
“Are you talking to Lord Shaka?”
Mu smiled gently for Kiki and nodded. He noticed the child hid something behind his back.
“What did you bring him today?” - Mu asked.
“Peonies.”
Mu huffed a laugh. Shaka wouldn’t like that.
“And for Aldebaran?”
“A new bull plushie!”
Mu smiled.
Aldebaran, please watch over us now that you are a star...
That spring day was dawning, and just as on any other day, people were starting a life, birds were singing, children were playing, and he was not surprised to see that nothing had changed. The world remained the same, Shaka was gone, and the others were gone, but life went on the same. Mu knew that very few shared his pain. It was quite lonely. In the beginning, he was invaded by an emptiness, like a brain, wandering aimlessly, trying to understand that it had really happened. But as time passed by, he has remembered Shaka’s words and realized his lover was right: He could, indeed, live without Shaka. It wasn’t a very happy life, but it was a life, at least. He was never a coward, so he was going to live.
They wanted Shaka’s tomb to be where the Sala Trees were. A dead sunflower, buried with dead lotuses in a dead garden... Mu objected. No, Shaka had to have the company of the other flowers, so the birds could sing for him in the morning. He knew a place suitable for that. Their childhood hideout, the flowers’ field, there, by the waterfall, where they shared their first kiss.
The angel sculptures of the graveyard, each one of them, even the broken ones, reminded Mu of Shaka’s face.
There were so many tributes for the Virgo Saint that it was hard to find even a minimal space to add something else. Varied gemstones, colorful crystals, exotic flowers, vegan dishes, and many, many, many Buddha statues of different sizes and colors. Indian and Greek flags were all over the place.
“A war hero...” - Mu laughed sarcastically, knowing Shaka would disapprove of this praise, he could even hear his voice uttering “Pathetic”. Mu laughed again. - “Heroes... an army of honored... dead bodies.”
Mu continued to examine the tributes, however, one of the items called his attention, that one wasn’t a tribute, no, that one was a gift... It was a small letter written with scrambled calligraphy on crumpled paper without any neatness:
“Shaka, in one way or another, you had always been present in my life, scolding me, saving me, or ignoring me... You were too stubborn. Anyway, I miss you.”
Mu recognized who wrote that letter and smiled fondly.
Returning his attention to what he was there to do, he prepared the bucket, the vase, and his gardening tools, he wanted to give the Virgo Saint something meaningful as well.
“Do you know what is interesting about the lotus flower, Kiki?” - Mu asked, separating a shovel, he started by digging the soil. Kiki shook his head. - “They are a very ancient species of flower, and despite their fragile appearance, they even survived the ice age, forcing many other pre-historic flowers into extinction. And although they have a preference, they still can thrive on mud or even in dry areas.”
Kiki's eyes widened in surprise, he imagined lotuses just grew in clean waters: “So it means, lotuses are very strong flowers!”
Mu nodded, carefully removing the flower from the pot and placing it in the hole.
“Besides,” - Mu proceeded - “lotus flowers are resistant to pollution, they can purify any water they grow in, no matter how dirty it might be. For this reason, Kiki, lotus is a symbol of purity, and many Hindu Gods are depicted floating atop a lotus flower.”
Kiki's eyes saddened, and he understood: “You miss him very much, don’t you Master Mu?”
Mu smiled and nodded: “Yes, more than I should.”
“Then ask the Goddess to bring him back!”
Ah, the sweet simplicity of a child...
“Shaka will never come back.” - The echo of his own words made him sad - “The Goddess doesn’t have the power to revive all dead soldiers, Kiki, and even if she did, Shaka wouldn’t want to return.”
“Why not?” - Kiki itched his head, confused.
“Because Shaka is a Bodhisattva who renounced his place in Nirvana to help us.” - Mu kneeled in front of the tomb, gently covering the flower roots with soil - “Don’t you remember, Kiki? Shaka unlocked Araya Shiki to ensure that the Goddess and all the remaining Saints could go to Hades and return here alive. Now he is where he needed to be.”
“Shaka... I am such a disaster as a Buddhist.” - Mu thought, laughing at himself the same way Shaka used to do. - “I successfully pursued all of the five hindrances of Buddhism."
He remembered how Shaka jokingly used to say:
"Mu, you seek each one of them intently: sensual desire, ill-will, torpor, remorse, and doubt."
"Shaka, I think I’ll never reach Nirvana”
He laughed because he could cry no more.
Mu finished the planting, still smiling, he knew he was not good as Shaka in gardening, but he wished that at least one blossom could bloom. Since Shaka’s passing, the lotuses stopped growing in the Sanctuary. Year after year, Mu tried, but it simply didn’t happen. He arranged the gardening tools back in the bucket and hoped. While he moved his body, the rosary hanging on his neck shook, creating the iconic soothing melody of beads.
“Can I have the rosary?” - Kiki asked.
“This is not a toy, Kiki.”
”But Master Mu, we are playing Goldies and everyone wants to be Virgo! I’m the only one with the rosary!”
“No, Kiki.” - Mu repeated - “You borrowed it once, no more.”
Kiki pouted and got upset, but he knew it would be useless to insist. Mu wouldn’t change his mind, but he presented a solution to the boy’s dilemma:
“Why don’t you pretend to be Aries Saint, the psychic? Or perhaps Taurus Saint, the strong.”
“Taurus and Aries are powerful, just like uncle Alde and you, Master Mu. But Aries Saints are no fun.”
“And why not?” - Mu asked, genuinely interested.
”Because I will be Aries Saint after you, won’t I? So it’s not make-believe anymore.”
Mu laughed.
“Are you so certain that you are going to be the next Aries Saint, Kiki?” - Mu teased - “To don that Cloth, you must command the stars.”
“I know.” - Kiki sighed and mumbled, his gaze dropped to the ground, expecting the unavoidable lecture.
“And how will you command the stars if you don’t train?” - Mu started the lecture and Kiki sadly resigned - “Did you know when I was an apprentice, Master Shion used to throw huge rocks in my direction, and I almost had no free time to play with my friends as you have?”
Athena was Athena, not Ares. The Goddess’ intention was never to start wars but to end them. Saints were always ready for battle, regardless. Master Shion was more rigid with the children because he knew Holy War was ahead. Mu decided he would allow Kiki to be a kid as much as possible, because once he entered this life... the path was certain pain or certain death.
Sanctuary’s children were born to suffer and sacrifice. There is no other way.
“But...” - Kiki interrupted Mu’s daydream - “You would need to be dead or very old for me to take your place! Master Shion lived more than two hundred years!”
And he would have lived much more if he wasn’t murdered
“... And you are not even thirty!” - Kiki proceeded, outraged - “You won’t die any time soon, but Virgo Saint’s place is already vacant!”
Ah, the brutal honesty of a child...
“No rosary, Kiki. Next time, just pretend you are Aries Saint and show them your abilities.”
“But...” - Kiki dared to insist - “I want to be a Virgo... They dominate the mysteries of the cosmos!”
“Indeed, but Aries has telekinesis...” - Mu decided to engage in that will-power battle against a child - “Did you know that Aries’ psychic powers were so strong, that Virgo himself, required his help once?”
“A Virgo Saint doesn’t require help... They do everything alone!” - Kiki jumped performing martial arts movements, determined to win that argument. Mu laughed loudly. - “They can fight Hades alone and also destroy the wailing wall by themselves! They can bring the sun down to hell! And also, they are the only ones who can sense specters! They can...” - Kiki refrained for a while, trying to think of more grandioseness - “They can fight all eleven Goldies by themselves! A Virgo Saint never dies! They only die when three Golds Saints use Athena's Exclamation and --”
“It’s true, Kiki” - Mu interrupted what was going to be a long ramble.
It was too painful to hear.
The sunset was orange and purple, soon, the stars were going to descend followed by darkness. He brushed off the sweaty hair on his forehead, took Kiki, his gardening tools, and his memories, and went back to the Aries temple.
He bathed, dined, and got ready to sleep. He looked at the stars out of the window.
The nocturne sky was starry. Stardust, starlight, starburst, shooting stars, stars... He beheld the Virgo constellation.
Shaka...
Shaka, it has been years... He felt like Shaka was a museum of things that reminded him of the worse time of his life, and yet somehow, the only thing that radiated comfort to him. He was sad but he wanted to feel. He wanted to remember how the pain and the happiness felt when he was around Shaka. It hurt, but it was a happy kind of pain.
He removed his shirt, and suddenly felt a strong perfume of...
Lotus.
Shaka’s perfume...
He ran through the columns of his temple, repeating the word that made him weak in the knees: “Shaka”.
But Shaka wasn’t there.
A single and sincere tear slid from his closed eye. In his small nose, a petal rested. He opened his eyes to examine the petal. It was a white and perfumed lotus petal. The petal flew with the breeze and landed in the copper lotus that Mu removed from Virgo temple and brought to Aries, in an attempt to remain close to Shaka.
The copper lotus wasn’t destroyed by the Athena Exclamations, because Mu forged it to be eternal.
Mu walked to the copper lotus, following the petal. The lotus perfume intensified. He felt goosebumps: inside the copper lotus, there was a real white lotus, its roots alive, bright, and strong! The sweet aroma came from that little white lotus.
“Shaka, my Shaka” - Mu took the white lotus in his hand, smiling - “You sent it here to make me happy... You really meant what you said... after all, our bond is ethereal, it is Raabta.” - Mu carefully planted it on an improvised vase, and he noticed a familiar warm cosmos lingering in that precious flower - “I will be thinking about you when I look at it.”
Every night, he lay awake with those memories flooding through his mind with the hope to be with his sunflower when sleep arrived. That night, he went to bed, smiled, closed his eyes, and his sleep was sweet and comforting.
💮
Mu opened his eyes. He walked a path of flowers and trees, there were little bugs and stones in the path. That field was dark, the night was illuminated only by the light of the stars, so he followed the lotus perfume. Stars in the sky. Blossoms in the ground. A rain of petals. That path was too lengthy, the trail seemed to never end. He had to stop several times, whether to contemplate the wonderful view, whether to catch his breath. He interrupted his way multiple times.
Finally, he spotted a large flower tree, it looked like a Sala tree, too big and strong to be ignored, but Mu didn’t recognize what species of flower it carried, however, he recognized the blond figure sitting in a lotus position under it.
He was so eager and desperate, that he ran because he forgot he could teleport. The lotus perfume only increased. Was it Shaka? He had his eyes open and the rosary in his hands. It was Shaka, he was there. It couldn’t be any other person. It was Shaka, indeed.
“Do you know for how many Samsaras I waited for you?” - He asked.
“Shaka... How? I... don’t understand.”
“You told me to wait for you because you would find me again, so I waited.”
“But how...?” - Mu asked confused, Shaka shook his head, smiling. - “Shaka... you have the rosary... Did I descend to hell to find you?”
“You descended to hell because it was your duty as a Saint.”
“Shaka... your eyes are opened”
“In here, there is no need to close them.”
“Shaka... where are the others?” - Mu asked.
“You, I, and they met a few more times. But I suppose, by now, each one of them followed their own path. We won’t see them ever again.”
“But Shaka... how? Is your willpower so intense that you could convince the Gods?”
Shaka laughed, shortly. And Mu’s eyes teared up.
Stars above...
How I missed you...
“My willpower?” - Shaka laughed again, playfully poking Mu’s chest with his index finger - “No. This wasn’t my willpower’s doing.”
“I don’t understand... How do I know if it’s you or only a good dream?”
“Does it matter?”
No, not really. I just want to be close to you.
“Tell me something Shaka would say.”
“I never blamed you, not even once.” - Shaka said - ”Time is only an illusion, and everything is transitory, however... you are very dense and decided to test my patience with eternity. Such a disastrous Buddhist you are! You should be ashamed of yourself! I carefully prepared this flowers' path for you and cultivated this immense tree, expecting you to find me quickly, but Instead of walking straight through this trail, you had to stop... Distracted Aries, why did you have to stop?! Do you know how many eternities --”
Shaka started to talk and Mu understood. He knew. He knew within every fiber of his body.
“It’s you.” - Mu said, emotional, while Shaka kept talking.
...It's really you.
It was Shaka. Typical Shaka. He barely heard what his love was saying.
"It's really you, my Shaka."
Nothing happens by chance, everything is written in the stars...
Some things we can't explain, they just occur. Accepting them or not is our decision.
You are eternal, Shaka... for me you are eternal... My sunflower, my love. The eternal passion that ended my loneliness.
I wanted to see you again. Now I am finally happy.
💮
The End.