Chapter Text
there wasn't a moment in his life where namjoon had felt more panic than when he had witnessed seokjin collapse like that. one minute, he had been completely fine, and the next, he was stumbling straight into namjoon's chest like he had been shot and gone completely unresponsive.
namjoon had cradled him in his arms and ushered him out of the view of lingering cameras, dragging him into their green room. he hadn't let go of him since, even as he could feel his shirt getting soaked through with sweat from the still unconscious seokjin.
jimin was pacing (he hadn't stopped since they'd got in here, actually) and running his hands through his hair. every so often, taehyung would murmur something to him, capturing his attention before it's dropped again and jimin was back to pacing. he looked frustrated, namjoon noticed, but whether that frustration was directed at others or himself namjoon didn't know.
yoongi and jungkook were sitting in two uncomfortable-looking plastic chairs, yoongi's hand clenched in a death grip by jungkook's clammy fingers. the usually mischievous look on jungkook's face had dimmed, a frown with concern that should be way beyond his years marring his face. yoongi had been by his side the entire time, letting him hold his hand and rubbing his thumb across the backs of jungkook's fingers.
hoseok had taken it upon himself to phone for help outside the room since namjoon was too focused on getting seokjin to a safe place. he had managed to keep a cool head throughout the entire process of getting seokjin to their green room and calling the medics. nobody had arrived yet, but namjoon could hear him giving details to them and directing them to where they were through the walls.
it was a flurry of activity outside, with hoseok talking and the camera shutters constantly going off as different celebrities arrived. inside the room, however, the seconds ticked by in agonising quiet, every member focused on seokjin's laboured breathing. it didn't seem like he was going to wake up soon, but namjoon held onto the small sliver of hope that he would, that seokjin would open those warm brown eyes and he could talk to him again.
he had always looked up to seokjin. for taking on the role of their protector when namjoon couldn't, for stepping up and helping to practically raise six other men off of his own back when he was used to being babied by his family, going from riches to rags when he decided to debut with them. it was no wonder they all turned out so well under his gentle guidance.
how he didn't notice he wasn't well earlier, namjoon didn't know. he should have known, though, should have noticed the way seokjin was slightly swaying on his feet all day, wasn't acting like his usual self or even engaging in any activity other than sleeping. he cursed himself out for not being able to spot the obvious signs of illness when he sat down next to seokjin earlier that day to talk to him because he noticed he wasn't talking as much as usual.
hell, the guy was such a good actor that namjoon was surprised he wasn't scouted to be in a k-drama rather than a band.
he was brought out of his musings by hoseok re-entering the room with a frown on his face. everyone perked up at the sight of him, waiting for him to offer news on the still unresponsive seokjin in namjoon's arms.
"an ambulance is on its way," hoseok said shortly, eyes sweeping over jin's unconscious form before meeting namjoon's. "has he gotten worse while i was outside?"
namjoon shook his head. "no. he's been pretty stable throughout."
hoseok nodded and leant against the wall with a short sigh. he rubbed his temples and shook his head, prompting taehyung to rub his shoulder comfortingly. namjoon let himself stop paying attention to those around him and focused on rubbing his thumb softly over seokjin's cheek. he didn't know if he would wake up.
if.
he didn't like that word.
the room was still uncharacteristically quiet. so quiet, in fact, that namjoon could hear the steady tick-tick-tick of the analogue clock as it counted the seconds. the seconds that seokjin spent still unconscious wrapped in namjoon's arms like a makeshift barrier between them and the rest of the world.
jungkook sniffled, breaking the room's silence and prompting several heads to turn to him. jimin was immediately by his side, brushing his hair out of his eyes and cradling him in his arms, much like namjoon was doing to seokjin.
namjoon opened his mouth to interject with some words of reassurance for the maknae when he felt something shift in his arms. he shut his mouth so fast he felt his teeth connect with a click. but none of that mattered - not when he could see jin's face scrunching up in what looked to be discomfort and feel his body moving against namjoon's own.
seokjin's eyes blinked open blearily, gazing around the room blankly before settling on namjoon's face. he frowned in confusion, opening his mouth to speak before namjoon was shushing him, hugging him close. "sh, hyung. it's gonna be okay. you're okay," he whispered, feeling an overwhelming amount of relief at seeing the warm brown of seokjin's eyes once again.
seokjin's eyes flicked over namjoon's dishevelled form before they looked back up at his face uncertainly. for the first time in his life, namjoon realised how frail seokjin looked in his arms. the usually strong, brash man was gone, replaced by a quiet, unsure version who looked like he would topple over at the slightest gust of wind.
"what happened?"
"you passed out," namjoon informed him quietly. "you were okay one second and then bam, you were out."
an apologetic look passed over jin's face for a fraction of a second, making namjoon wince at how his words must have sounded to him.
"ah, uh, it's nothing to worry about, hyung, it happens to the best of us, really," he backtracked, stumbling over his words in his attempt to make sure seokjin knew it was fine.
luckily, he was saved by yoongi noticing the now-awake seokjin in his lap, making his way over and sitting down. "how are you feeling?"
the rest of the boys crowded around to hear seokjin's answer, eager yet worried faces peering down at him. it took him a moment, but seokjin eventually murmured out a small 'tired' before closing his eyes and burying his face into namjoon's shoulder. namjoon blinked, unexpecting the sudden movement but wrapped his arms around him tighter nonetheless. yoongi blinked slowly in surprise next to him before nodding.
"give him some space, guys, he needs his rest."
there were a few grumbles and protests, but everyone left to go to the other side of the room, watching every movement seokjin made like a hawk. namjoon glanced down at his figure in his arms and held him closer protectively. he never wanted to feel that amount of panic again. but it was okay, his hyung was awake now and he could take care of him.
"namjoonie." his name was uttered so quietly and yet he heard it anyway, glancing down at seokjin the instant the words reached his ears. "cold."
wordlessly, namjoon took off his jacket and wrapped it around seokjin's upper body, feeling relief as jin relaxed into the warmth. he could at least help somehow, even if it wasn't much.
a knock on the door brought them all out of their reverie. hoseok opened it to come face to face with two paramedics standing side by side with their equipment. he stepped aside to let them in immediately, and namjoon regretfully let seokjin go slightly as the paramedics made their way over.
one of them rested a hand against seokjin's forehead gently, holding a thermometer in the other hand. he tried to get seokjin to open his mouth to fit the thermometer in there, but the other only blinked at him blankly, not understanding what he was trying to say.
"open your mouth, hyung," namjoon supplied, watching the entire interaction like a hawk. "he needs to take your temperature."
with a muttered word of complaint, seokjin dutifully opened his mouth so the paramedic could place the thermometer inside. he grimaced at the feeling but dealt with it nonetheless, making a face the moment it was pulled out.
"100 fahrenheit," the paramedic informed namjoon, "a high fever, but it's usually not anything to worry about. he probably overexerted himself earlier trying to work in a condition like this."
oh thank god. jin-hyung was going to be okay. namjoon felt almost all the anxiety and stress within him from a moment ago evaporate in under a second at the confirmation that seokjin was going to be fine. he didn't know what he would do if it turned out seokjin had to stay in the hospital because none of them had paid enough attention to him all day, too focused on whether they were getting their performance right or whether they were going to win the grammy or not.
"what did he say?" jimin asked, a concerned look on his face. namjoon repeated the words the paramedic had said to the rest of them, watching as everyone's shoulders sagged in relief at the notion he was going to be okay.
the paramedic stood back up, grabbing a notepad and pen from his breast pocket. "i'd recommend that he drinks plenty of fluids for the rest of the day," he told namjoon, who nodded in response. "as well as that, make sure he eats at least one substantial meal and gets lots of rest."
he finished off writing down what he was writing and gave the sheet of paper to namjoon. "if he gets any worse, i recommend calling us again and we'll take him up to hospital this time."
"thank you," namjoon breathed, taking the piece of paper and studying it. thankfully, each word was written clear enough that he could read it without struggle. he slipped the paper into his pocket, making sure it was secure so that it wouldn't fall out without him noticing.
the paramedics left after packing up their stuff, jimin letting them out the door. the moment they were gone, everyone turned to namjoon with expectant eyes. with a sigh, namjoon translated the instructions he was given to the rest of the members.
"does that mean hyung will sit out the reward ceremony?" jungkook asked once namjoon had finished.
"probably," hoseok answered. "he should get as much rest as possible."
seokjin shook his head, catching their attention. "no," he refused. "i want to do it." he'd gotten this far - there was no way he was missing out.
"but-"
"i want to do it." seokjin's tone was firm and unwavering, reinforcing his steely gaze as he looked at the other members.
namjoon bit down on his lower lip unsurely. they couldn't force seokjin to sit out when he clearly didn't want to but he also didn't want seokjin to overexert himself any more than he already had. especially considering they had a vlive planned right after regardless if they won or not.
"jin-hyung," he muttered, shaking his head. seokjin looked back at him, a pleading look on his face. namjoon felt his resolve crumble the moment those eyes looked at him. "fine," he sighed, "but you're going straight to bed after."
"you're seriously going to let him?!" came yoongi's incredulous voice.
"yes." the look on yoongi's face only became more intense at the short answer. inevitably, yoongi opened his mouth to retort before namjoon held his hand up to shush him. "he wants to do it. out of all of us here, i think hyung knows his own limits the best. he may have forgotten them earlier, but i think he's the only one who can make this decision for himself, so if he wants to do it, let him do it. i trust him to come to us if things get too much."
the look on yoongi's face only told namjoon that he wanted nothing more than to smack some sense into him, but he thankfully only nodded jauntily before turning around and taking a seat. hoseok went with him, rubbing a placating hand up and down his back. namjoon understood the worry that yoongi must have for his only hyung, but he knew exactly what it felt like to feel mollycoddled by everyone around you.
"thank you," jin whispered gratefully. the guilt namjoon was feeling a few seconds ago melted at the sound of pure gratitude in seokjin's voice.
"anytime, hyung."
--
they were ushered to their seats a few minutes later, jimin, namjoon, hoseok and jungkook situated on the sofa and seokjin, taehyung and yoongi were on chairs behind them. they had donned their new outfits for the recording session, seokjin once again envying namjoon for the comfortable tracksuit he was wearing.
every few seconds, someone would glance at seokjin and make sure he was okay, something which he was grateful for, if a little embarrassed at their obvious concern. it was the reason he had hidden it for so long - he didn't want to make the others worry about him when they already had so much on their plates.
and yet, selfishly, in the back of his mind, he was glad that the secret was out. that he didn't have to pretend anymore. now he could just tell them that he didn't feel like doing something and he would be able to go home no questions asked rather than putting on a brave face and soldiering on through the day.
he felt his heart stutter in his chest as the band's name was called onscreen, hope lighting in his chest as the announcer opened his mouth to declare the winner of the category they were nominated in despite namjoon's countless warnings that they were not going to win because this was the grammys, not something like the amas.
that hope was crushed the moment the announcer read out rain on me instead of dynamite, a deep-rooted disappointment taking place in his chest instead. namjoon's i told you so rang in his ears as he hid his face in his hands to cover the tears that threatened to spill out of his eyes.
they'd worked so hard. countless sleepless nights getting the choreography just right, doing their damned hardest to sing in a language that was as obscure to them as the grammys once were. seokjin remembered waking up with a throat so sore he felt that he couldn't speak for a week. and yet he still showed up to vocal practice that day because he had to make sure he was perfect.
and it was all for nothing. naught. nada.
it made the sickness he had been keeping at bay return in a force worse than before, nausea churning in his gut along with the inherent disappointment and sadness and pain sparking from every movement he made.
a gentle hand on his shoulder brought him out of his despair and he turned to see who it was. taehyung peered back at him, a soft frown on his face. "hyung, are you okay?"
seokjin just shrugged half-heartedly, unable to even attempt to bring back his façade of nonchalance he had earlier that day. not when he was so annoyed with himself at their loss, even though he knew them winning was way out of their reach.
taehyung's face smoothed out and a comforting smile took the place of the frown that had previously been there. "it's okay. we know we worked hard. army knows we worked hard. we don't need a reward to show it, do we?"
"you're right, taehyung-ah," seokjin replied, giving a half-smile in return. yeah, why was he so disappointed over a trophy? it's not like they didn't have over 700 just in their display case at home. plus,
there were other awards that they could win that meant more to them than this one.
manager sejin came to collect them not long after that, bundling them into their company van and driving them to their hotel. "how're you holding up, boys?" he asked once they were all inside, "i hope you didn't take the loss too hard. you're worth more than just an award and i hope you know we're all proud of you."
yoongi tsked softly under his breath, prompting namjoon to mutter to him under his breath and rub a comforting hand up and down his shoulder. seokjin couldn't begin to imagine what those two were feeling like right now - out of all of them, namjoon and yoongi had been dreaming of this the most; they had spent many nights together holed up in one of their studios talking about their dreams of the future and what they hoped to achieve with their music. seokjin remembered tending to them when they got back, both of their eyes more often than not shining with tears and unspoken promises.
"we're doing okay," hoseok replied eventually after the silence stretched on for a beat too long. "besides, there's always next time, right?"
the joke was meant to lighten the mood slightly but ended up falling flat in the faces of several unimpressed members. sejin offered them all a comforting smile and turned back around to begin driving. a few quiet conversations started up among the members, hoseok and jimin muttering about some new dance moves, namjoon and yoongi conversing about new lyrics and jungkook and taehyung talking about a video game match.
seokjin tuned out then, leaning his head against the cool glass of the window and shutting his eyes, intent on getting a few minutes of rest before they got back to where they were staying. the hotel was at least half an hour away and he was sure he'd be able to get at least some sleep in before then.
well, he would if jungkook wasn't nudging him every few seconds irritatingly. he cracked his eyes open and glared at the maknae, who smiled sheepishly and held his hands up in surrender. "hyungs say i'm not allowed to let you rest until we've gotten back and got you something to eat."
no. he didn't want to eat. he was tired, not hungry, jungkook so for gods' sake let him sleep.
he shut his eyes again and tried not to cry when he felt jungkook nudge him again, more insistent this time now that seokjin was aware of the intent. goddammit, jungkook, leave him alone.
the van came to a slow stop a few seconds later and seokjin bemoaned the loss of a few minutes of sleep on the way back. he was practically carried out the van by jungkook as his feet dragged on the floor behind him, ruining his nice shoes. he couldn't find it within himself to care, shielding his eyes from the too-bright sun and focusing on not throwing up on jungkook instead.
he was dragged into someone's room with ease, laid down gently on a bed as someone shut the blinds. namjoon's voice reached his ears, whatever he was saying muffled by the thick comforter somone had placed over him. a cold washcloth was placed on his head within the next few seconds, prompting him to sigh in relief.
he didn't register when he was changed into his comfortable pyjamas nor when the bed dipped next to him, signifying that someone was in there with him. he did, however, register the familiar smell of his patented "get well soon" soup that he cooked for the others whenever they weren't feeling too well. his stomach rumbled and he suddenly became all too aware of the hunger he was feeling when he realised he hadn't eaten all day.
yoongi smiled at him when he glanced at him, holding a steaming bowl of soup. "cmon, hyung, eat up." yoongi poked a spoon against his cheek. seokjin batted it away, sitting up by himself and making to grab the spoon to feed himself. yoongi pulled it away with a condescending 'ah ah ah', raising an eyebrow and prodding seokjin's mouth with the spoon again. "open up."
seriously? did they think he was so sick that he couldn't feed himself?
he opened his mouth, rolling his eyes internally at the babyish treatment. he'd only allow it because yoongi would sulk later if he didn't let him, which would make everyone else agitated.
the resulting smile that lit up yoongi's face at his begrudging acceptance was more than enough of a reward for his actions anyway.
despite feeling like he could eat an entire restaurant, seokjin only managed to eat around half of the bowl of soup before it felt like his stomach was full to bursting. he gently pushed away yoongi's insistent hands as he attempted to spoonfeed him another mouthful, shaking his head. "no more."
"full?"
seokjin nodded. yoongi nodded in return, drawing back with the bowl and ruffling his hair. any other day, seokjin would have scolded him, but today, he leant into the touch, knowing it was yoongi's way of showing concern.
"i'll be back later. try and get some rest now, okay?"
as if he even had to ask. seokjin's eyes were slipping closed as yoongi left the room and he knew it wouldn't take him long to enter dreamland. the warmth of the comforter surrounded him comfortably, and it didn't take him long before he was drifting off again, this time with a smile on his face.
------
the next time he woke, he couldn't move.
seokjin opened his eyes groggily to see what was going on only to be met with a faceful of tangled light hair. he furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, trying to work out who it was. jimin? it would make sense - he was one of the only ones at the moment with lighter hair.
ah, wait.
he looked around him, finally noticing the rest of the members in various states of sleep in bed with him or around him. jimin was on top of him, namjoon and jungkook flanked his sides, hoseok was resting in the armchair nearby and taehyung and yoongi were curled up at the end of the bed. all of them were asleep, still wearing their outfits from yesterday.
the sight tugged at his heartstrings and seokjin felt a wide smile slip onto his face. they'd stayed with him. they hadn't left his side all night. there were no words he could use to describe the amount of fondness he was feeling right now.
"hyung?" namjoon's tired voice reached his ears and seokjin looked towards him. "how're you feelin'?" he slurred.
seokjin thought about it for a moment and found himself being completely honest when he answered, "fucking brilliant."
namjoon huffed out a quiet laugh in response, closing his eyes again and melting against seokjin's side. he fell asleep again quickly, snoring lightly. seokjin watched him fondly, wriggling a hand free to pet his hair.
yesterday was bad. but today? today was already going fucking great.