Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

They are often taken for granted, but streetlights are a lifesaver. Especially when you're carrying your enemy home in the dead of night.

This, and the surrealness of the situation he was in, caused Nakahara Chuuya to stop under one of these lights. He looked down to make sure Dazai Osamu, the ill brunette who lay in his arms, did not notice. His sickness had made him very fatigued, so he could be wide awake one minute and fast asleep the nest. Currently, it was the latter. Out in the distance, crickets were chirping, providing good white noise for his thoughts.

"So much has changed in one day... What even is Dazai to me anymore? I don't think I despise him as much. At least I know now that he isn't the invincible king he claimed to be, that there's a more human side to him. If only he showed that more often, our relationship would be much better. The real question is, what are we going to consider the relationship between us now? Since I don't hate him enough for us to be enemies, does that make us friends? It should, but somehow that title doesn't feel right. Every time I try to make it grown on me, it just makes me remember that strange feeling in my chest I had while watching the sunset with him back at the store... Maybe, that feeling was the 'butterflies in one's stomach' that I heard of that one time? But doesn't that only happen when you fall in love with someone?"

This thought made his eyes go wide, and his heart was beating at what felt like the speed of a train. Although he was more expressive than Dazai, in reality Chuuya was just as bad at feelings as he was. Another thing they had in common were their childhoods that had severely damaged their senses of self from the start, and taught them both to do whatever they could to suppress their feelings even if it hurt them, because there was not a single soul in the world who would care anyway. Due to this, neither of them was to blame for their never being able to accept what they felt about themselves and towards each other, but rather the bad influences that raised them.

Still, no matter who the blame game was played on, it wouldn't change what was happening in the moment. Chuuya did not entertain for a second the idea that he might be in love with Dazai, and he shook it away in a panic.

"Me, be in love with the suicidal maniac? Th-That's fucking absurd! Even in the absolutely impossible on all levels scenario that I was in love with him, there's no way in hell someone like him would feel that way towards someone like me... He doesn't seem like the type to fall in love with anyone, let alone me! Even though I've spent a good deal of time with him at this point, I still act so awkward with him. I can see why he would think I'm an idiot now..."

Chuuya never thought he would feel guilt or shame for anything. He had always been extremely self-confident, although not to the point of narcissism as it had been with Dazai. As a result, the heavy feeling inside him that made his heart sink was entirely unfamiliar to him. Nonetheless, there's a first time for everything. Regardless of whether or not the both of them would be able to come to terms with what they felt by the end of the ordeal, which would almost certainly be 'not' given their nature, at least they would be able to experience them.

Maybe through this experience, they would learn not to make the same mistakes if other people came along for either or both of them when they grew up. Who would that person or people be, though? Did they even exist? The most important question of all, would they be able to fill the void left if Dazai and Chuuya ended up going their separate ways because of the tension between them?

There was no telling the answer to these first two questions. As they say, there are plenty of fish in the sea. For Chuuya, the third question was also a bit difficult at first. To fill the emptiness left in his mind by pondering on it, he took another look down at Dazai; there wasn't much else to do anyway.

Just as it had been all day, his face was still flushed from the fever. There was a string of snot dribbling down his nose as well, causing Chuuya to silently curse himself for not buying tissues. His eyes were closed as he was fast asleep, snoring some as well. The redhead still couldn't fully get over the fact that he was sleeping his arms, as he carefully walked him back to wherever it was that he lived.

Some people would have thought the sight of the sick boy disgusting, but Chuuya did not think so. This also answered his question nearly immediately.

No matter where he looked in the vast world, there would never be another Dazai.

Satisfied with the answer, a warm smile grew on his face. Using his thumb, he ever so gently brushed a stray fringe of hair out of Dazai's face and back into the rest of his hair.

"The mackerel is really just something else, huh?"

What Dazai did next, though, made Chuuya's cheeks grow warm. He had lost track long ago of how many times this had happened to him, even within the short span that was that day.

At his touch, the brunette responded by smiling as well, sighing of happiness. Chuuya could have sworn that his grip on him tightened as well. He also appeared to be talking in his sleep.

"Chuuya..."

Was he waking up? No, that was highly unlikely. Why would he be mentioning Chuuya when he was asleep, though? Was he that delirious, or was he dreaming of him?

The very idea of that drove Chuuya crazy. Even though he had no idea what he was trying to hint at, and he still couldn't accept the possibility that it might be love, he felt his heart flutter yet again. All these mixed-up feelings were starting to become a bit too much for him, so he decided to get moving again.

"Okay, Chuuya, keep your cool... Dazai's just acting like the idiot he is. I'll just drop him off, and then make a run for it so I won't have to deal with whatever it is he's doing. Out of sight, out of mind, right?"

Clutching the sleeping boy closer to his chest, and grabbing onto the shopping bag from earlier more strongly, he began to run towards the port. Doing so, the cool night air bombarded his face. There was not a single person to be seen. The feeling was good, he had to admit. In this situation, he could run as fast as he wanted, so long as he didn't drop anything. In the background, the crickets chirped rhythmically and calmly, soothing his worries to some degree. From the long grass that bordered the sidewalks in neat rows, little flickers of light from fireflies gradually floated upwards towards the sky. They were seen by him in the form of brief flashing streaks of yellow as he ran.

Once more, peace and a sense of content washed like a wave over Chuuya. For that moment, he forgot all the horrid things he had to experience throughout his life. Him not even being able to recollect his early childhood due to the experiments performed on him and the god of calamity possessing him, how he had to raise himself on the streets after he escaped, how the Sheep betrayed their status as the only family Chuuya had ever known, him becoming a slave to Mori, and his recent near-death after having to fight to save the person who now was safely with him.

For now, he felt what it was to be an actual teenager, enjoying his youth.

Nonetheless, a tiny piece of his heart thought otherwise. It had been shrouded away, caught in the suffocating fog that was the act he put up to save his reputation. It thought that something was missing. In the calm of the night, this tiny piece became more powerful.

Chuuya began to envision Dazai being next to him, rather than in his arms. He imagined him healthy, running alongside him and enjoying this just as much as he was. The night was a tad too quiet, so he also imagined them laughing with each other instead of at each other. Their laughs would echo into the night as if this was all they had and there was no tomorrow, filling the empty streets with liveliness and their hearts with joy and love.

His running slowed, although not stopped, as this piece of his heart showed him the most embarrassing part of the vision. All the while the two of them were running in his imagination, their hands were linked firmly together, not even thinking of letting each other go. Though he had held his hand a grand total of two times, there had been excuses for each instance. For the Rimbaud fight, it was so Dazai could use his ability. Earlier, he had fallen down and needed help getting up. This time, although it was only in his head and far from being real, he made the conscious effort of fantasizing about them holding hands. This time, there were no excuses.

That wasn't even the worst part, or at least the worst in his eyes. In this fantasy, Dazai was ahead of Chuuya, pulling him along as they held hands. Then, he stopped abruptly and turned around. Chuuya, not having enough time to slow down, crashed straight into his chest. He felt bandaged arms wrap around his back. The two of them made eye contact, and from then on, the senses he was experiencing in the daydream became just as real as real life.

Chuuya could feel the intensity of this eye contact as if it was occurring in the here and now. The indifference normally present in Dazai's eyes was completely absent. Now, they had an incredibly warm aura, perfectly complementing their deep brown color. Although technically not possible, the brunette could almost see the sparkle in the shorter one's bright, blue eyes. However, the surprise began to dissipate, as he found himself completely lost in their closeness.

They became immune to the cold breeze blowing at them relentlessly through their combined body warmth. Along with the streetlights, light from the glittering stars lit up the area where they were standing, as if the beauty of the sky was made just for them.

Dazai decided that he had enough of just looking at him, though his face seemed like the most beautiful thing in the world nonetheless. For a second, Chuuya thought he would die from how fast his heart rate was as he gently positioned a finger under his chin. Ever so gently, his face was tilted upwards. This still was not enough to make up for their height difference, so the brunette had to crouch a bit.

Using the finger that was under his chin, he brought his face even closer to his. Chuuya's head was spinning, and his body was trembling from anticipation so much that he struggled to keep himself standing. As if reading his mind, Dazai placed his other hand to cup one of his cheeks, steadying him. He then continued.

Their faces drew closer, and closer... They could feel each other's warm breaths now. Dazai withdrew the hand that was on the other's chin and placed it on his back to pull him even nearer. He tilted his head slightly, and as he did this, Chuuya felt that the soft skin of both their lips were a hair's breadth away from uniting.

Just at that moment, a rock crashed onto Chuuya's head, although this turned out to be a creation of his mind rather than an actual rock. This feeling was the daydream ending as that piece of his heart again went into hiding, and it caused him to snap back to reality.

He swirled his head around in all possible directions in order to ground himself. Whilst doing this, he found the real Dazai. Sure enough, he was still more or less asleep in his arms. Occasionally, his eyes would flicker open slightly only to close again.

For quite a few seconds, he stood there dumbfounded. He spent this time trying to fully process what had just happened in his mind. Once he was finished and the gravity of what he had imagined dawned upon him, he let out a frustrated shout that echoed into the night.

"Why in the fucking hell did my stupid brain just do that!? In what world would I be kissing Dazai?"

Even though he wouldn't be able to listen, and Chuuya knew this very well, he decided to take out his confused anger on him. He brought his face close to his ear and began screaming.

"Listen up! You're just a dumb, stupid, worthless, good-for-nothing mackerel! I hate you so fucking much; never in a million years would I love you! You... You are nothing to me..."

His rant became a lot quieter and broken up towards the end. The impact of what he had said finally caught up to him.

"Was it really right to do that? Do I actually think that horribly mean shit about him?"

After he was done, he felt lighter, as if his bottled-up anger was a weight that had been lifted off his shoulders.

"I guess I was just frustrated after all... Not at him, at the world and everything that's happened today. Out of the blue, he became so gravely ill. Maybe I've just been scared for him this whole time? After all, I can't really hate him when I nearly sacrificed my life for him just a few hours ago... On the other hand, he somehow pulled himself out of unconsciousness for the sake of saving me, when he could have easily just ran away... So, he can't really hate me either, right?"

He was fairly certain about most of his thoughts, but he doubted the last part. This doubt became even greater as a single tear escaped from one of Dazai's closed eyes down to his chin, dripping onto Chuuya's chest. Coincidentally, this was where his heart was. Logically, the tear was most likely a result of his clogged up and irritated sinuses. That said, at this time Chuuya was now a stranger to logic.

Large tears and sobs flowed like a river through his eyes. Whether Dazai had somehow heard all the dagger-sharp insults he had thrown at him or not, the guilt was crushing his heart regardless.

"I'm so sorry Dazai! I'm so sorry! I never wanted to be so mean to you... Please forgive me..."

Apologizing to him was cathartic to the redhead, even though his words fell on empty ears. He only managed to pull himself together and wipe his tears away after he realized he was having a mental breakdown in front of a mostly unconscious body.

After he cleaned himself up, he came to the conclusion that it would be better for the both of them if he at least made an attempt at admitting his feelings to himself.

"Shit... Maybe I actually do-"

His thought process was interrupted by a surprisingly loud 'Achoo!', followed by a cascade of tiny sneeze droplets scattering across his face.

He had become used to the more repulsive parts of Dazai's illness, so he did not so much as flinch at the sneeze. He simply wiped its result off of him with a swift motion of his hand.

"Right. I almost forgot that I actually have to take him to his home..."

He looked out into the distance as far as his eyes could see. This was a difficult task, as streetlights were much less frequent now that they had exited the urban areas. On top of that, the stars which had been sufficiently bright before had dimmed significantly. All that was left to guide him was the solitary moon. Despite its size, it wasn't of much help in terms of determining the distance left to the port.

What it did show, though, was its reflection off the surface of the otherwise pitch-black ocean. This was good news. Whatever the distance was, they were surely not far.

This gave him the boost he needed to get moving again. He began sprinting even faster than before, letting go of some of the caution, but still making sure to clutch him tightly to his chest. He was looking forward to finally reaching there just as much as Dazai must have been. Of course, his reason was different though.

"Alright... I just have to get home, put the medicines in front of him, and when he wakes up fully, he can figure the rest out for himself... Whatever these feelings are, they've really been messing with my head. Besides, I don't want to worsen his already pitiable situation more than I already have..."

However, the task to 'get home' in itself would prove to be a bit of a difficult task. All he was going off was the vague direction Dazai had pointed towards a couple of hours earlier. To make matters worse, he had never been to that part of the port before.

Put bluntly, unless whatever house he had somehow found right on the port was in plain sight, it would be impossible to find. It would take him all night, and as that time passed, who knows how much Dazai's fragile condition would have deteriorated by then?

"Dammit! If only he had taken me to his place at least one time, we wouldn't be in this situation... Wait. Then again, what reason would he have had to take me to his home? Dazai's a smart guy, I guess. Even the dumbest person in the entire world wouldn't invite their enemy right into their home. Throughout all the time we've known each other so far, I never even thought of regarding him as anything but an enemy, which is probably why he purposely got on my nerves... Does he still think of me that same way? I wouldn't blame him if he went straight back to how we were before the moment he's out of this fever delusion, so I guess I'll never know... Also, come to think of it, I never fully accepted him. Could it be that I was the one pushing him away, instead of the other way around?"

This long train of thought went on long enough that, by the end of it, his feet were making the transition from the asphalt of the streets to the concrete of the port area. In the end, he had decided to just take his best guess on where to go, leaving the rest up to Lady Luck.

"Okay, Chuuya, you've been having thoughts along these same lines several times now. Just stop now, for your own sake. This is getting Dazai and I nowhere..."

He shook off these troubling thoughts, mainly relating on who was winning and losing the blame game, and looked around to scout for what could possibly count as a house here.

There was a greater amount of light here, thankfully. This was thanks to the glaring bright lights emitted by ships parked at the edge of their respective docks. These docks were some distance away from the area of the port they were currently on. As a result, he could only faintly hear the hearty, boisterous noises coming from the sailors' conversations. They would most certainly not hear them, not that they were making any noise to be heard to begin with.

The one thing about the ships that particularly stood out to Chuuya was the amount of shipping containers they were loaded with. From this, he concluded that this area might be a shipping center of some sort.

Only one thing was absolutely certain about this area. There were zero houses here. This was only to be expected, though. After all, this was a port, not a civilian neighborhood.

Even with this certainty, Chuuya still quickly gazed over the area. Nope, still no houses. Just as he gave up, turning around and pondering where else to look, something caught the corner of his eye.

A short distance away, there was a lone shipping container. There were no ships anywhere nearby it, nor any workers coming to move it. The large box simply sat there in the middle of nowhere, standing out like a large pimple does on the skin.

"What's that box doing there? Its positioning makes it look kinda suspicious..."

Knowing what had happened to the two of them earlier, this could very well be a trap. At the same time, this wasn't a likely possibility. Who leaves a trap so plainly out in the open, so that people other than its intended victims might end up being lured in as well? Or maybe this was some sort of reverse psychology tactic?

Keeping all the possible outcomes in his mind and all his senses on high alert, he cautiously moved one foot in front of the other repeatedly. Eventually, he had creeped his way to the shipping container, and now he could take a closer look at it.

The first thing he noticed was how it was anything but new. So much of the covering had chipped off, that there was more exposed metal than actual paint. The locks and bars that were present on all the other shipping containers were all absent here, except for one, and even that was rusted to the point that it threatened to fall off any day now.

That was basically all there was on the exterior, but Chuuya wanted to take a quick look at the interior as well. Curiosity had gotten the better of him, and he couldn't help but wonder what kind of things its owner had tried to ship inside it.

The door was already opened at a rather acute angle, but still enough that it seemed to be beckoning him to look inside.

Yet, when he did, he was underwhelmed with sheer nothingness. The inside had been entirely engulfed in darkness, so it was as if he was staring into an abyss. Still, if there had been anything worth noting in there, its presence would have been enough to overcome the darkness, he thought.

"Jeez, I wasted all my time here for nothing... I guess this is just some useless hunk of metal that was abandoned here ages ago. Ah well, I guess I'll have to check another area of the port then..."

Yet again, he was stopped from leaving. However, it wasn't by another shiny thing that piqued the interest of his eyes.

It was... Dazai?

He grumbled incoherently, and opened his eyes in a way that made it seem like the eyelids had been stuck together with glue. He had broken through the cycle of sleep only to fall right back into it again, so this was nothing new. However, this time they stayed open.

Chuuya's own eyes opened wider as well. He had not been expecting him to wake up again, at least not until he had been given the medicines.

Yet, Dazai did not say anything, using body language instead. Lifting a quivering arm, he pointed back towards the shipping container. He did not give any more context as to why he did this.

"Um, Dazai, I'm pretty sure that's just an ordinary shipping container... There's nothing special about it."

In response, the brunette shook his head. With whatever strength he had remaining, he pulled the most determined expression he could.

"Well, if you insist..."

He walked back towards the opening of the shipping container, and with one arm, he powerfully yanked it open. It did not open fully right away, but gradually, producing intense creaking as the metal groaned against the effort.

The gap now being big enough for him to squeeze in with Dazai, he cautiously made his way in. As they entered, a loud horn sounded from one of the ships nearby. As the sound faded, this ship began to sail away, leaving a quiet atmosphere around the two of them.

As the moonlight began to penetrate inside, he saw a small object on the floor. Turns out, it wasn't completely empty. He removed his death grip on the door handle to examine this object.

As he brought it closer to his face, the realization of what it was hit his mind like a freight train.

It was none other than Dazai's beloved handheld gaming console. Chuuya knew this well, as he had often chased after him yelling at him to allow him a turn, to no avail. Being the ambiguous boy that he was, he didn't like attaching material possessions to his name. This small digital box was the only exception.

"Yup, it's the mackerel's game console alright. The question is, what in all of Yokohama is it doing here?"

Knowing that it was his only possession, dots began to connect in his brain. The end image it formed, though, was anything but making sense.

The only reasonable solution was to ask Dazai himself.

"Hey, is this some sort of secret hideout or something?"

A shake of the brunette's head gave a firm 'no'. This left only one possible scenario, and Chuuya wasn't liking it.

"Don't tell me you actually live here!?" His yell of shock was so loud, and only amplified by the echoing off the walls, that Dazai had to cover his ears.

When he was done, and it was safe to uncover his ears, he opened his mouth to give a proper reply.

"Yes..." He was much quieter than usual, but his word came across clearly.

Looking down at him to see his reaction to his question, Chuuya could just barely see his face. He was the type of person who everyone thought could 'get used to' anything, but his expression told a different story. His eyes were averted, glistening as if he were about to cry.

Fearing that asking him about his maybe, maybe not tears would upset him further, he came to an assumption about the reason why himself.

"Dazai clearly doesn't need, or even want me here... Maybe, I'm the reason he's crying as well. After all, I have been lugging him around like an object all day. Even if I'm not making him sad, I don't know how to help him, I'd probably just make things worse. It's better just to leave him here..."

He carried him inside his 'house'. At last, after hours of having him in his arms, he set him down on the cold metal ground of the shipping container. To counter the cold, he took the blanket out of the bag and draped it over him. That should have been it, but out of an impulse he could not control, he bent down and tenderly adjusted the blanket to wrap around his body snugly. Then, he set down the rest of the bag's contents next to him. Whenever he was ready to, he could take the medicines on his own.

Chuuya's body suddenly became lightweight from the absence of the brunette's weight. That should have been relieving to him, but instead, his heart became even emptier than the rest of his body.

"I should be happy. I defeated the enemies and got Dazai home safely. Why don't I feel proud, like I usually do? Why do I keep having all this strange shit wreaking havoc on my heart...?"

Finally, he came to terms with his feelings, or at least part of them. Something's always better than nothing, though. As the burden of holding this particular feeling inside left him, a more positive lightness was left behind. It still wasn't enough to counter the negative feelings, though.

Tears silently and slowly streamed down his cheeks.

"I want him in my arms again... I want to keep being close to him, but it's not about how I feel. Dazai's the sick one, his feelings matter more. Whether I want him or not, I have to leave him behind. He doesn't need me here, in fact, nobody does..."

Even despite his conviction, he didn't want to leave him alone in the dark. His mind was already dark enough as is. After wiping his tears and fumbling around the area for a while, he heard the clink of some type of metallic object falling down.

He put his hands on it, since the thin streams of moonlight on their own weren't enough to identify it. Luckily for him, it was a flashlight. This was not a miracle or anything; it seemed like only common sense that someone living in such a deplorable condition would at least keep a light source on them.

Silently praying that the batteries hadn't been used up, he felt for the switch and pushed it upwards. Chuuya breathed a sigh of relief as it flickered on, completely illuminating a considerable radius around him. He set the flashlight to stand up on its narrow end next to where the younger was tucked in.

"Well, looks like my job here is done..."

It took every ounce of will that the redhead had in him to drag himself away from Dazai. Even still, he walked backwards as he slowly inched his way outside, so he would be able to savor the last seconds that he would be able to spend looking at his face for that day.

He wanted those few seconds to last for an eternity, and it was a mystery as to why at that point. The next thing he knew, however, the icy nighttime breeze greeted him again.

And... that was it. Mission complete. End of story.

Yet another time, Chuuya's heart protested to him about how he had left things. Negative thoughts had invaded his head countless times before that day already, but here they were again nonetheless.

"You really just left him there? Even the dumbest people can take care of their loved ones, because love is a basic part of human nature. Oh wait, that explains it, doesn't it? You're not human. You never will be. You will never be capable of loving another, much less being loved yourself... It would be better for you, for everyone, if you just stopped this delusion of yours that says you can actually be anyone of worth. And him? He just uses you as a tool, you'd be a fool to fall for his mind games and think he actually gives a shit about you. Your entire existence is just to be the Port Mafia's toy, and now Dazai's as well, isn't that pathetic? Just like you."

To prevent the anger getting to his head and making him punch the nearest wall till his knuckles were broken, he bolted towards the water and threw the plastic bag into the ocean. It was the only thing he had on hand, which made him all the more disappointed when the bag simply sank quietly into the water without making a scene. A shame, since he was in need of a loud scene to distract him.

Looking around to make sure the port was empty, he walked up to the very edge of one of the docks and sat himself on it. Looking down to see his dim, yet strikingly moonlit reflection in the water was enough to ground him, albeit only a little bit.

Before going home, he thought he might as well try to make sense of everything that had happened to him. At its core, he realized that the day had been nothing but a continuous cycle of torment. It had only three components: Dazai, feelings, and crying. Just that morning, he never would have wanted to associate himself with any of these things. Now, it felt like he was forced to have all three of them on his mind constantly.

He despised the latter two. Though even now, in his state of emotional confusion, the thought of the new Dazai he met today made the butterflies he was now well acquainted with return. It was a strange thing to think about, he was sick after all. In the end, he figured out that his feelings were a result of his earlier realization that everything he had previously thought of him was wrong. Although more significantly contributing to this was the fact that he had literally saved him from technically killing himself for his sake.

Remembering this, the question of why he had done that in the first place came to his mind. Since it was an extremely tense life-or-death, or more accurately death-or-death situation, the moment had been a blur. He had never really taken the time so far to think closely about it.

"Maybe I did that on an impulse? No... sacrificing one's own life for someone is never really an impulse decision, no matter how tense the situation is. If that isn't the case, then what is?"

Frankly, the answer was hiding in plain sight. Earlier, it was a needle in a haystack. Being put face-to-face with feelings he had always had, but feared to even think about, had one by one whittled down the haystack to an increasingly smaller size. Now, it was one straw of hay lying next to the needle so plainly, and yet his mind's eye was still completely fixated onto the
one straw.

He had come close to the answer a few times earlier throughout the day as well. Back then too, he had refused to admit it. Even if the metaphorical needle came to poke him in the eye, he still would not admit it.

"No, that can't be... This feeling can't be real! And no matter how real it actually is, I will never tell it to myself, and especially not to him..."

Refocusing on his reflection to ground himself again, he instead noticed how deep the abyss of water that lay before him was.

"Even in death, I will never accept it. I'll keep pushing it down, whatever it takes."

The mention of death in his thoughts, along with the sight of the sea, gave rise to a rather dark joke in his mind.

"Hm, wouldn't it be funny if I turned the tables on Dazai, and instead I became the one to commit suicide?"

He attempted to chuckle it off and shake his head. Just as he was about to turn around and start the journey back to his own home, he found that his feet refused to move. There was nothing physically wrong with his body or the wooden dock he was standing on, and yet he was still completely stuck in place, forced to stare into the pit of death right under his nose.

"I mean, that weird voice in my thoughts was right about a few things. After all my struggles, I still only ended up as the toy to this stupid Mafia and its stupid boss! I wasted all my time hating on Dazai, not bothering to consider the small piece of hidden good qualities in his heart. His humanity, and the ways in which he acts that are sort of cute, I have to admit... Of course, I discovered it now, but it's too late. He'll take the medicine, rest up a bit, get better, and then it'll be like none of this ever happened. I'm going to lose him, the real him, and that hurts much more than I ever would have expected... To make it worse, he's the only person in my life that truly matters to me, even when I hated him before. If I can't keep him close to me, and protect him from this shitty situation that we're both in, then what even am I?"

All his memories of what Dazai said to him flashed before his eyes. Often, he would jokingly tell him to die. His tone always made it clear that these remarks were not serious. Yet, a person's life or death is nothing to joke about. Therefore, he was hurt down to his soul whenever he told him anything like that. He had sucked it up in the past. The fragile state his mind and heart were in made it impossible to do so now. Even the smallest of provocations would be enough to literally push him over the edge.

And it did.

"Dazai would be overjoyed to wake up and find my dead body floating on the surface of the water, like a little kid waking up to their presents on Christmas. It's what he's always wanted, anyway. I might as well do him a favor..."

Now, half of his feet were already over the edge, the other half being the only thing anchoring him down. If he moved even the slightest bit forward, he would plunge endlessly down into the dark and watery void, suffocating to a nearly certain death.

His palms trembled relentlessly, visibly dripping with sweat. He dangerously rocked himself back and forth where he stood, knowing that a small mistake in his movements would be the end of him. He might have stopped beating around the bush and jumped immediately, if it weren't for rational part of him fighting vigorously to keep him alive.

"There's no guarantee that this will work. Knowing my damned ability and how I'm only the god of calamity's vessel, I won't be harmed in the slightest. Maybe it would work, but then I'd become a ghost and have to deal with even more shame from watching over what people say about me. I wonder, would it be worse to be missed when you die, or to have people like it to the point where they make fun of your death? Still, the only question that really matters here is whether being free of the pain would outweigh this shame."

These two sides continued with their violent war, with no mercy to Chuuya. It seems that they both lost, because after some time, one of his feet slipped as a result of an error in his rocking motions.

As this leg flew forwards to greet the sea, the other one behind it joined, unable to keep balance. The two legs brought his entire body along with them. There was no going back now.

Time slowed dramatically, stretching the few seconds that it would take for him to hit the water into what felt like several minutes.

Although it was his idea to teeter fatally off the edge of the dock, the actual fall was an accident. Since it was unexpected, his heart was going at such a rapid pace that he thought it might just burst out of his chest. Adrenaline flooded his body more than it ever had before, as is the body's instinct to do when the life of its owner is in danger.

No matter what his body tried to do, it was too late. Nothing could be done. His actions were being kept secret under the night's pitch-black cover, not a single soul in the world being able to see. As a result of this, he could not be rescued by somebody else either. Even if there was no cover, if he had done this surrounded by people in the middle of the day, he thought the outcome would not have been much different. In his mind, he was not worthy of being saved.

Realizing this, he thought of what his last words might be. He tried to open his mouth, but it remained shut. The finality of the situation left him at a loss for words.

As an alternative, he focused on what his last thought before he moved on to whatever awaited him on the other side would be. Time was ticking. There would be no time for this when his body began to sink under the water, as every ounce of energy left in his body would be spent trying in vain to resurface.

Watching the surface approach closer and closer, which was mesmerizingly still considering what was imminent, only one thought came to mind.

"I'm sorry for everything, Dazai."

He then took the deepest and final breath of his life, closing his eyes tightly and bracing for impact.

Yet, that impact still was not felt by him. Instead of hearing the water loudly crashing against his weight, he heard running footsteps that were way too fast to be normal running. He shrugged it off as just some random person being in a hurry, but he couldn't help but yearn for it being somebody who at least genuinely cared whether he was alive or not.

At that very second, he heard a voice shout out at the top of their lungs. It was too real for it just to be a hallucination from stress.

"CHUUYA!"

There was only one person in the entire world that would call out his name like that. Before he even had the time to process things properly, a pair of arms were firmly yet gently wrapped around his stomach. Their warmth was all too familiar.

He opened his eyes to see what was going on. His savior had arrived exactly in the nick of time; the tip of his nose lightly dipped into the water.

The person then applied some pressure to his stomach that yanked him upwards and away from the sea which had nearly swallowed him whole. As soon as his shoes clinked safely onto the wood, Chuuya was turned around, and his sharply widened gray eyes met dark brown ones that he had never been more grateful to see in his life. He was so grateful that he looked over the large tears welled up in them.

"Dazai... You came..."

Rather than replying, the brunette tightened his arms around his back and pulled him into his chest. His hold on him only increased in strength, as if he would disappear completely if he let go, which had actually been the case just mere seconds ago.

Not minding the grip at all, he gladly buried his head into his body warmth. In return, Dazai leaned his head on his shoulder, which quickly became soaking wet with all the wails and sobs he was letting loose. Unusually, this mimicked the way he would have been crying if he had been too late, coming across his body instead of an alive Chuuya.

Seeing him act like this shattered his heart. A lump formed in his throat as he put all his effort not to cry in front of him, a couple tears escaping even still.

"Dazai, I'm not someone you should be crying over, wasting your energy that you should be using to fight your disease... I'm sorry you had to save me again..."

After he was left with no tears to cry, Dazai clumsily wiped the resulting snot with his sleeve and separated himself from the redhead.

Even though his true emotions had blossomed, he didn't want to distress him, so he put on the most convincing scowl he could, to talk to him as if this had never happened.

"What are you doing out here, you dumbass? You should be resting! There's a reason why I literally tucked you in back there! Since you clearly don't know how to, I guess I'll have to take care of you myself..."

Dazai could see right through his act; this was one of his best skills in the first place, and Chuuya's attempts to hide his caring intentions were as transparent as glass.

Before he could open his mouth to protest, Chuuya grasped his wrist as tight as he could and dragged him back inside the shipping container. Despite the pitch blackness around them, muscle memory guided them both back without much effort.

When they returned, the flashlight had toppled over, its light not nearly as effective in this position. This was inevitable, since the brunette must have had to run out as fast as lightning to catch Chuuya in time. At the same time, it didn't make sense.

How did Dazai know from all the way in here that Chuuya was trying to take his own life?

That question could be asked later. First, he returned the flashlight back to its original position. He then propped up Dazai against the wall and wrapped the blanket around him. If he had him lay down, the imminent task of feeding him his medicine would be difficult.

Although they both acknowledged that they had grown significantly closer, the idea of feeding him sent Chuuya's cheeks into a full rose color, and his mind in all directions. He wanted to avoid doing it, if possible.

"Oi, mackerel. Do you think you can take the medicine yourself?"

The wanting to avoid any more awkward situations turned out to be a mutual feeling that they both shared. This became apparent when Dazai picked up the bottled water and tried to hold it still. To his dismay, the earthquake-like trembling of his hands failed to keep his grip for more than a few seconds.

The two of them made eye contact and shared a look of bewilderment, knowing what was about to happen.

"Right, I guess I'll have to give the medicine to you after all... You can curse me all you want later, but you know how much you need this way more than I do."

Opening the lid of a pill bottle shouldn't have taken more than a few seconds. Out of nervousness, the task seemed to drag on and on. He took a deep breath and sucked it up, the lid popping off.

"Okay, I hate to say this, but... open wide."

His voice had come out softer than intended. Dazai had never heard him talk to him so calmly before. Liking this, a light blush dusted his cheeks. In order to hide it, he turned his eyes away as much as possible.

Unfortunately for him, the redhead was not pleased with this. Not too harshly, he grabbed his chin and forcibly brought his face closer to his own, a more ideal position for administering the medicine. As a result, his blushing was exposed. It took a great deal of mental ability for him not to go red as well.

"Hey, don't make this weirder than it already is! Let's just get it over with already!"

To avoid angering him further, Dazai shut his eyes tightly and forced his mouth open as wide as he could.

He took one of the white tablets and placed it on his tongue. After that, he unscrewed the lid of the bottled water as well. He gingerly put a hand on his cheek to keep his head up as he poured a small amount of water inside.

"Quick, swallow. I don't want you to choke."

Dazai did cough and sputter a bit, but eventually it did go down correctly. Chuuya let out a relieved sigh.

"That's it for the medicine, thank goodness... What now? Do you want me to leave, or should I stay?"

Without any words, Dazai stared at him as if he had two heads. This made Chuuya remember the effort he put in to save him, which he had almost forgotten even though it occurred mere minutes ago.

"Right, I suppose if you did that... You'd want me to stay. Although, it beats me as to why."

In response to his agreement, the brunette attempted to smile for him, but that quickly faded.

"Urgh... Cold..."

The cold hadn't bothered him till now, but at that moment Chuuya took notice of just how freezing the metal he was sitting on could get. It didn't help that there wasn't exactly the warmest weather these days either.

"Fine... Let's get you a blanket. Don't get the wrong idea, though! This is only so that I won't have to deal with your annoying, dripping nose again..."

Since he already tucked him in once before, the second time wasn't so embarrassing. He got the task over with quickly and sat down attentively next to Dazai as per his unsaid request.

Chuuya was prioritizing him, so he didn't mind sitting on the cold ground in the slightest. He was prepared to stay in that position the entire night if need be, but that was not the case. Very soon after Dazai was snug, he offered part of his blanket to cover the redhead, even though it meant his extremities would have to be exposed to the elements.

Chuuya felt a warm, fuzzy feeling in his heart at the gesture, but he would never show that outwardly.

"Dumbass. You're the sick one, not me."

For some reason, he couldn't get his swearing to sound as pungent as it usually did. Whatever the reason, Dazai was a holdout.

"Sick or not, you deserve warmth too."

With this comment, Chuuya gave in and snuggled closely next to him. The blanket was quite small, so they had no choice but to squeeze in tightly with each other in order to have any hope of them both fitting.

Their closeness wasn't what was bothering Chuuya, though. They were the questions that came to gnaw on his mind whenever Dazai acted kindly like this.

"Is this his actual personality? Is he trying to play some sort of Dazai-typical mind game on me? Has the fever got him high or something, and that's why he's acting this way? Maybe it's just my insecurities and how I've been hating myself deep down lately?"

The burden they put on him was too much for him to handle on his own, so he decided to unload some of it by asking him directly. This was the best time to do so, he decided, because Dazai seemed to be at almost complete awareness and lucidity, so he might get some real answers instead of gibberish.

"Yo, mackerel. What's with your nice act today? Normally you're the most bitchy person ever, but you seem awfully set on being a good Samaritan for some reason today. You have not annoyed me directly even once, you're actually kinda cooperative, you saved me from the brink of death multiple times now when you should've just left me to die, and now we're snuggling in a blanket together... Why? It's not that I don't want you to be doing these things for me, but I don't want you being someone you're not. I'd honestly rather have a real annoying smartass Dazai than a fake good Samaritan one."

As soon as this speech of his escaped his lips, he immediately had the urge to clasp his hands over his mouth. He had not intended to be this sharp or blunt with his words. However, he did not do this, as there was no point.

He should have learned this lesson before. Nonetheless, it was already too late. Once again, he could not take back the words he said.

Several times, Dazai parted his lips to give a response, but stopped midway. It looked as if something was stopping him from saying what he wanted to say. He pulled the blanket over his head (and resultingly most of it off Chuuya) to hide his facial expression as he pondered his next move.

A while later, the blanket fell at last. This revealed Dazai's face being scrunched into a grimace, his hands balled into fists of frustration, and a few bead-shaped drops of water dotting his face as well.

"I DON'T KNOW, OKAY!? I don't even know who I am anymore... The only purpose of my existence is to serve the Mafia; I'm not even supposed to show any feelings at all in the first place, so how the fuck am I supposed to express them when they do come? You're talking like you know everything when you know absolutely NOTHING about me! You don't have even the slightest idea of all the shit I've been through! Have you forgotten how sick I am? And I'm just a kid... I was sure that it would kill me, so I thought I might put down my act for once. Yes, I know how I am to you normally, but seeing how you cared for me, and how much patience you had... I don't know what hate is, or what love is. I-I just don't know... So don't you dare make assumptions about my intentions when I'm not even sure myself!"

Every word of his rant was filled with the emotions he had been holding back all these years, so much so that he temporarily lost the raspy quality of his voice. As he fell further and further down this spiral, his voice broke as a result of the tears streaming down his face. Out of an instinct, Chuuya reached his hand out to wipe them away, but he only smacked it away in return.

"Don't touch me! Or else, I'll get even more confused how I feel about you. I just need time..."

Chuuya remained in the blanket, but obliged and stayed a distance away from him. From the second he finished saying those words, Chuuya already began wondering how in the world he was going to respond. He was just as terrible with feelings as Dazai was, but he didn't want to pretend that he knew what he was going through. With this obstacle in the way, how would he be able to offer any sympathy or support?

As he racked the depths of his mind in search for an answer, he came across a memory involving him and Koyo.

It took place only a couple days after he had joined the Mafia, when Dazai had attempted in vain to take his own life by jumping off the Port Mafia building. Chuuya had been there to witness all of it; he saw Dazai teetering off the edge of a balcony, but before he could react, he began plummeting towards the ground at full speed. Within the blink of an eye, his body was right in front of him. He was only barely recognizable in that state: broken, battered, and bathing in a growing pool of his own blood.

No matter how much he hated him back then, the sight was traumatizing nonetheless for a fifteen-year-old like him. He denied the effects the event had on him as hard as he could, suppressing flashbacks and panic attacks. Though he swore to hide what he felt even if it killed him, his attempts failed, as Koyo picked up on how he was feeling anyway.

The day after, when Chuuya had buried his head in his knees in a corner, she confronted him.

"Chuuya. Are you feeling okay?"

Although it was worded as a question, she said it as if it were an answer, which was a resounding 'no'.

"I'm fine. Go away."

He had not realized yet the full extent of this sixth sense of hers, so it came as a surprise when she stepped forward, towering over him and cornering him.

"We both know that's not the case. Now, are you going to tell me what's wrong, or am I going to have to remind you?"

Her voice was firm and strict, yet also laced with softness.

Chuuya found himself backed into a corner, both metaphorically and literally. The pressure of Koyo's ultimatum brought tear drops to the corner of his eyes. Knowing he was not the type to cry, her heart softened, and she got down to his level by sitting down next to him.

Somehow, her presence motivated him to vent all of his feelings out, something which he had never done before in his life.

"That Dazai... I really hate him to his core. Yet, I can't help but constantly wonder why... just why he would do something like this. I was there, you know that, so I keep thinking about what might have happened if I had done something different. If I had said something, would he have stepped back? What could I even have said in that situation anyway? He hates me, and I hate him, so me doing anything would probably have pushed him over the edge. What's more, I should have been happy to see him critically injured, yet my dumb heart said otherwise. Every second of every day, no matter how much I try to distract myself, my mind just goes back to him and if he'll be okay or not. It's like there's a foreign voice inside me, telling me that it's my fault that he ended up like this. I guess... I just wish I could have saved him... I'm sorry, I shouldn't be talking about this, I shouldn't even be having any feelings in the first place."

Koyo knew that Chuuya's distress had something to do with Dazai, but even she was surprised at the extent of the situation. She felt conflicted, because Mori had strictly instructed her to train the Mafia children into being emotionless robots. In his ideal 'robot', there was only one command written in its code, to be at his disposal.

Her biggest secret was her strong dislike towards Mori's mindset. If anyone ever found out that she was helping her apprentices through their pains rather than denying them, all of her respect and status would be gone in an instant.

That said, she was not going to abandon Chuuya, no matter what the circumstances. She lowered her voice to the softest whisper she could muster, in order to keep the secret safe.

"Chuuya, first things first, Dazai's suicidal behavior is not your fault. Why Dazai chooses to hurt himself is a mystery, and it's out of our power to do anything about that. You say you hate his guts, and I'm not telling you to be best friends with him or anything like that, but there's often more to our own opinions than meets the eye. You say that you wish you could have done something to save him, and there is something you can do. Only one thing. All you can do is be by his side, even if it's as enemies, and listen to him if he ever decides to talk about what's going on with him. As the saying goes, "If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles." Ah, sorry, I've rambled on quite too much. What I'm saying is, you should pay attention to Dazai's emotions more if you want to prevent something like this from happening again, but it's even more important to pay attention to what your heart is really trying to tell you. We have hearts for a reason, regardless of whether they're more prone to light or darkness, they're not dumb. Be careful, though. I've taken note of how you two interact. From that I can tell, if you succeed in getting to know him better, your perceptions of him will change from hatred into something far more bewildering."

For Chuuya, this sounded like gibberish. Listen to Dazai, be by his side? That certainly wasn't something he planned on doing, but if it meant preventing another tragedy, he was determined to try.

Unfortunately, the next time he saw Dazai, his hatred and other emotions took over. The memory of Koyo's advice completely exited his mind, never to be found again till now.

It might have applied somewhat back then, but now, it was more crucial than ever. The words she had said that day now made complete sense, especially the part about his hate for Dazai becoming something incomprehensible.

Identifying what 'something' was could come later, though. He had an idea of what to do with Dazai, but he didn't know how to do it. As the silence between them grew heavier, he was forced to make a decision.

"Dazai, I'm not trying to say that I understand you, because we both know I never will, but I will say one thing. I am always be by your side. That probably isn't saying anything, because so far I've done far more to hurt than to help you, and for that I feel more guilt than I could ever describe. There's something, some deep pain that you're keeping inside. You don't have to tell what it's about, but I am willing to wait however long it takes until you're ready to tell me. Hours, days, months, years... I will never abandon you for being different like others have. Maybe I genuinely did hate you at one point, but now that the illness took off your mask a bit, and I could see a bit of the real Dazai... Whatever it is that I'm feeling for you, I can say without a doubt that it isn't hate."

Before, Dazai looked like a wilted flower, with a glazed over expression in his eyes. However, it seemed that Chuuya's words watered and revived the flower. He perked up immediately, and when Chuuya finished, he looked at him like he had two heads.

His face remained still like this for a few seconds as he tried to process these words which were new to him, until tears silently welled up in his eyes.

"Shit! I'm sorry for never being good with these things, I should've kept my mouth-"

Chuuya's sentence was interrupted by Dazai throwing his arms around him, pulling him as close as they physically could be. Their chests pressed up against each other, and they could feel their heartbeats as they synchronized. Through this body contact, Chuuya noted that Dazai didn't feel feverish anymore. The medicines were finally kicking in, although secretly Chuuya liked to think that this hug was what made him better, like a somewhat violent way of waking Snow White.

He buried his face in the older one's shoulder, sniffling a few sobs into the material of his jacket.

The action left Chuuya speechless. It was like someone lit a big candle inside him, bringing warmth even stronger than the blanket's throughout all of his body, but especially his heart. Feeling Dazai's heartbeat reminded him that he was human, along with giving him a spark of hope that he might be more human than he thought as well. The only way he could react was by imitating Dazai, returning the gesture by enveloping his lower back in his arms.

They sat like this in blissful silence for a little bit until Dazai had gotten over the initial shock. He pulled his face away from his shoulder and moved it to make eye contact with Chuuya. However, they were still holding each other, which forced their faces to be only a few inches apart.

Ignoring his racing heartbeat, Dazai spoke up.

"Oh Chuuya... I can hardly believe this. Not a single soul in the world has dared to tell me those words before. Nobody understands that, despite appearances, I have feelings just like they do. Now that you've seen through my act and into the depths of my being... I just don't know what to say. That dreadful part of me tells me that you're trying to take advantage of me like everyone else did, but after all we've been through, I've come to understand that that cannot logically be the case. It seems that my first perceptions of you were wrong, just like yours of mine were. I spent all this time thinking you were just some smartass kid who thinks he's better than everyone, but now I realize that you're just as much of a broken and complicated human being as I am. Now that we're stuck like this, I have to admit... You'll definitely say no, and this is cliché as fuck. Still, I can't help but want the two of us to be broken together, because we both know that having each other is the only thing that gives our lives meaning."

Chuuya didn't know how to react. He did think that what Dazai said was cliché. On top of that, he was in a similar state of disbelief; now that they were having an honest conversation about their feelings, it was like Dazai was a completely different person. Even still, that unique spark that made Dazai, Dazai was still preserved. These conflicting observations were driving his heart crazy.

In an attempt to evade this, he tried to lighten the mood with jokes.

"I honestly don't know what to say either. I'm glad we both see eye to eye on some things now. That said, some of what you're saying sounds like lines taken from a romance movie... At that point, you might as well have kissed me, haha..."

Unfortunately for him, he didn't properly understand the effect that these words would have on the brunette. One conversation wasn't going to suddenly make them experts at emotions, and as such, Dazai still couldn't read between the lines. In other words, he thought that Chuuya was serious about kissing him. His face turned red as a tomato, as he half-assed trying to keep his cool.

"K-Kiss!? Haha, yeah, that would be crazy..."

The way he said it made his true thoughts more transparent than water. He needed to find a way to change the topic, and fast.

"Anyways... Want to play with me on my DS console?"

"Dumbass, have you already forgotten how many times we were almost killed today!? That thing has probably blown to smithereens!"

The two of them were back to arguing like normal teenagers, for now. Dazai couldn't help but smirk as he produced a fully intact handheld gaming console from his pocket. Chuuya tried to pretend that he knew this the entire time.

"I swear, those things are fucking invincible."

"Yeah, but never mind that. Bet you can't beat me in this game, I have a pretty good high score, if I do say so myself!"

"Is that a challenge?"

Dazai nodded in response.

And so, they played all sorts of games together. Fighting, skill, puzzle, you name it. Despite the fact that Chuuya was new to most of them, he beat Dazai almost every time. This would make him let out groans of frustration that echoed throughout the entire shipping container.

In the end, though, they both would always end up on the floor, laughing until their sides hurt. This was the closest they would ever get to a normal teenage life, and they were savoring every second of their time together.

That said, the fun didn't stop some doubts from bothering their minds. There was one crucial issue that they had purposefully overlooked out of a mutual fear for making things awkward; neither of them had brought up Chuuya's suicide attempt yet. The redhead thought that, since Dazai was still in a fever delirium at the time, he didn't recognize that he intended to take his own life.

On the other hand, Dazai was hiding his hunch that there was more to that situation that met the eye. In addition, Chuuya's sarcastic yet profound request for a kiss was still nagging him.

They thought they could keep these untied loose ends forever, but inevitably the gaming console ran out of battery, leaving them in silence once again.

Dazai was the first one to get fed up with the silence and break it.

"That was fun, wasn't it?"

Chuuya did indeed have fun, but a small part of him was disappointed that they hadn't finished their deep talk. Hence, his response was slightly broken.

"Y-Yeah, it was..."

Dazai noticed his slightly disturbed way of speaking and acting, so he decided to seize the opportunity and break the tension by bringing up what they were both afraid of facing.

"If you don't mind, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure! Um... Ask away, I guess."

"Earlier, what were you doing teetering so dangerously off the edge of the dock?"

Chuuya's peach skin went as white as a sheet. Even though he wanted him to ask this, now that he actually had, he didn't know how to explain.

The only solution to him was a lie.

"Yeah, about that... I wanted to get a better view, and I accidentally fell somehow, but then you caught me. So, it's all good, right?"

Dazai's face stiffened to the apathy of before he got sick, except for the fact that he didn't intend to act apathetic towards Chuuya, that was something he was going to try not to do from now on. Instead, he did this to be more direct and intimidating, so that he could extract the truth and only the truth.

"It's pitch-black outside, Chuuya, there's no view to see in the first place! You're not the type of person to be interested in scenic views anyway. There's no way that you 'accidentally' stood in that very specific position on the exact edge. Tell me, what were you really trying to do?"

The jig was up, Dazai already knew everything, he was just seeking confirmation now. Chuuya himself didn't understand fully why and how he almost did the unthinkable, as the moment was just a blur to him, so he averted his gaze as he explained whatever he could.

"Okay, fine! I'll tell you what happened... After I left you behind here in the shipping container, and I don't know exactly what triggered this, all the shit that's happened to the both of us today finally caught up to me. Sometimes I get so fed up with being a plaything for the Mafia! It was all just so overwhelming... This might make me sound like I have some screws loose, but I swear there was this voice in my head that refused to stop nagging me! It told me a whole lot of things: that your caring is just a game so you can play with my heart, that after today you will go back to how you were before, that I'd be better off dead so you will be happier... Come to think of it, everything's my fault, isn't it?"

Despair like this had already become a sort of 'new normal' for Chuuya; he didn't even feel the need to fight back tears anymore.

Dazai, however, was a different story.

To say that he was shocked and appalled to hear all this from Chuuya, of all people, would be a severe understatement. However, what shook him the most was how much his sentiments resonated with him. For a moment, he felt connected to him on a very deep level, as if their two souls were becoming one.

This might sound like a good thing to most people, but Dazai felt the complete opposite. He sensed that Chuuya was falling into the same dark and deadly mental abyss that he himself had been in for as long as he could remember. The amount of agony it brought him was indescribable; he wouldn't wish it upon the worst of his enemies, let alone upon this strange bond he had now formed with Chuuya.

Granted, pulling him completely out of his darkness required miracles which were even out of Dazai's ability. Even despite that, he wanted to help Chuuya fight against his thoughts to the greatest extent possible, because he had helped him do the same.

Dazai was the type of person who dealt with situations using solely his own logic, which usually led to the safest outcomes, but this time he decided to throw safety out of the window. After all, safe doesn't always mean best. The heat of the situation coupled with his personal feelings was too overwhelming.

A short moment later, he responded by grabbing Chuuya by the shoulders and yanking him so that their faces were again inches away from meeting each other. He stared into the very core of his widened gray eyes with the most serious intent his own dark brown eyes could muster.

He heightened his tone so that it was no longer soft and endearing, but also not overly frightening or cold.

"Chuuya, listen to me, and listen to me good. Are you even listening to your own fucking words? Today was such a turning point in both our lives, and you know that very well. Then, does it make any sense that I'd go back after this? Even if I tried, from now onwards, all paths would only lead back to you. Yes, I do play mind games with others, but haven't you noticed that I usually only do that with enemies of the Mafia? I may be suicidal, but even I'm not crazy enough to set up a game that involves me almost dying over and over again. If anything, me being caring, which is something I'd never even considered before, should be even more proof to you of how you've changed me. You, be better off dead? Are you fucking kidding me? Maybe the Mafia would be able to replace you with another asset, but I need you. That's right, I need you more than words can say, because I can't even begin to imagine being a duo with anyone other than you. I'd be a hypocrite if I told you not to listen to the voices in your head, because I have them myself, but apparently your voice is an even bigger dumbass than you!"

After finishing his tirade against Chuuya's nonsensical thoughts, he soon realized that he might not have done the best job of balancing aggressiveness and kind intentions.

His face softened as Chuuya shook, a few tears escaping the barrier he built in his mind to hold them in. He hadn't expected to be confronted so directly, let alone with this much intensity.

"Y-You're right... I'm sorry for allowing myself to think like that... I'm so sorry, for everything..."

"Great. Now I'm making him into an insecure softie that does nothing but blame himself."

Dazai was trying to avoid it before, but now it seemed that an emotional approach would be the best one. He let Chuuya's face go and moved his hands to his head to stroke his hair. As they moved up, his thumbs delicately swept against the tears dotting his face, removing them on their way.

As an added measure, he titled Chuuya's head towards him so that he was leaning on his shoulder. That way, they could look at each other without having to face the pressure of direct eye contact.

Chuuya's heaving slowed to a normal breathing rate, as he allowed himself to relax onto the other's body.

To calm him further, Dazai brought his lips closer to his ear and whispered soft words of reassurance.

"Please, don't apologize. I'm the one who should be apologizing for being too assertive towards you. The only reason I got so angry is that... I've already lost myself, I can't lose you as well. You're more important to me than you give yourself credit for, and I'm sorry for everything I've said or done that made you think otherwise. None of this is your fault, and maybe it's not mine either. When we met, we were dumb kids put into a difficult situation, and you can't expect much from that. I can't take back my past hatred for you, but I can change the future by transforming the hatred into friendship."

These words were a lullaby to Chuuya's ears, and his nerves were soothed until the very last word set them off again.

"'Friendship'. Is that what he wants to call us? Why did it feel like he stung me when he said that? Frick if I know, but the one thing I'm certain of is that calling the two of us 'friends' does not make me happy at all."

He even confronted Dazai about this, by using his tried and trusted tactic of playful sarcasm.

"Don't get me wrong mackerel, I'm loving all these rosy and fanciful words, but isn't it wrong to tie it all up with the word 'friendship'? Like I said earlier, if you're going to act so darn romantic, you might as well confess some long-held crush on me or some shit."

This time, he tried to make his sarcastic tone sound as clear-cut as possible, to avoid any misunderstanding. However, Dazai's failure to read between the lines prevailed once again.

Or at least, Dazai himself thought this was the case. Something about this theory didn't add up, though. He knew how intelligent he was, so he should have had no problem finding hidden meanings. Therefore, it must have been something else that caused this all along.

"Maybe... Maybe, I just want his words to be serious and true..."

The possibility that Chuuya didn't actually want him to confess a crush, that he didn't want a kiss from him, was an unfathomable pain to his heart.

Now that they were at least in a position to do so, Dazai decided to reveal some of this hurt.

"Chuuya, I know how much you love sarcasm, and I do too. But... I beg of you, only for now, tell me what you actually mean to say. It's the most embarrassment that I'll probably ever experience to admit this, but there's part of me that actually wants to love you and kiss you. You can hate me all over again, you can punch me into a hole, just please be serious about whatever you feel or don't feel towards me."

Instead of just a blush, Chuuya's entire body started burning up. He discreetly pinched his arm, to make sure that this was real and that Dazai was actually saying this. He wanted desperately to laugh it off and call him crazy, but despite his best efforts he began to put actual consideration into this.

"Holy fucking shit! Dazai, the Dazai that I know, has a crush on me!? A crush means to love someone, right? Love isn't friendship or hate, and I've already ruled out feeling those two things towards him. Although I tried to ignore it before, maybe having a crush on him is the answer I've been looking for all along. It'd be terribly ironic to admit that I fell in love with the person I should be enemies with, and I still can't imagine how the hell us being boyfriends would work. Even still, logically those are not good enough reasons to get rid of love."

He took a deep, audible breath as he made his final verdict to himself, his mind, and his heart.

"Fine, I guess there's no point in denying it anymore. I, Nakahara Chuuya, have a crush on Dazai Osamu..."

No one could say for sure, but as he admitted this, he felt all his inner turmoil grow a whole lot quieter.

Meanwhile, the Dazai in question had become so nervous, that he even began chewing on his fingernails.

Seeing how his newly accepted feelings could make him feel all the emotions in existence flattered Chuuya and warmed his heart, but at the same time amused him and brought a smile to his face.

"Well, if I'm going to accept his crush, I might as well go all out."

Still showing that teasing smile, he used his right hand to slowly take Dazai's hand out of his mouth. As he intertwined their fingers together, he moved his left hand to cup Dazai's cheek.

"Did I say that you can't kiss me?"

The brunette looked up to meet his gaze, and Chuuya could have sworn that there were sparkles in his eyes.

"Well, no, but-"

"Answer the darn question."

"No, you didn't say that I couldn't kiss you."

"Then how about you stop holding back and actually act on your words?"

The tables had been turned, and now Dazai was the nervous one. He hadn't expected that he would make it this far. As if the nervousness wasn't bad enough, the fact remained that he hadn't the first clue on how to kiss somebody. The only thing he could do was stare back at him, bewildered.

Chuuya's patience was waning, so he decided to take charge.

"If you won't, then I'll kiss you myself. Then, you'll see whose feelings for the other are really stronger!"

Before Dazai could react or protest, Chuuya used the cupped cheek to bring his face closer to his own. To avoid their noses bumping into each other, he closed his eyes and tilted his head at a slight angle as the gap between them grew smaller and smaller. Truth is, he hadn't kissed anyone before either; he was just going off of his memories of seeing couples on TV kissing.

Not wanting this moment to be interrupted or even ruined, Dazai gave in and followed Chuuya's lead, also tilting his head and closing his eyes.

Their distance continued to decrease rapidly. Within a split second, instead of air, they felt the skin of each other's lips.

Chuuya quickly learned that this wasn't the same as his earlier fantasy when he was carrying Dazai home. Their lips had met in a kind of lopsided way. Instead of the soft, sweet lips that everyone dreams for in their first kiss, they both got chapped and rough ones instead.

However, Chuuya was not disappointed, not even a little bit. It was the imperfections that made this kiss feel absolutely perfect to him anyway. He was just thankful that the burden of having to accept that he loved Dazai, and then the burden of sharing the darkest parts of himself, had been lifted from his shoulders. As a result, he felt incredibly light as he floated on cloud nine. Even in this ecstasy, he was aware that keeping up a romantic relationship with Dazai would be next to impossible given their positions in the Mafia. Though, if it meant getting to spend his days with him like this, he was prepared to defy the definitions of possible and impossible.

The best part? Despite their still differing personalities, Dazai felt exactly the same.

They both tried to hold their breath in order to preserve this as long as possible, but after a while, they inevitably had to come up for air.

Not accepting the end, the redhead tried to go in for another kiss, but a deeply loud yawn from his mouth got in the way. This made Dazai chuckle.

"You really like kisses, don't you? What a soft princess you are! Anyways, we both should hit the hay now, you deserve rest just as much as I do."

Before he could go on a rant explaining how he was not, in fact, a soft princess, Dazai placed a finger on his lips.

"Wait. Before you say anything else, and now that we've kissed and everything, I feel the need to tell you that I..."

The saying that yawning is contagious held true, and his yawn was even louder. His eyes then suddenly felt heavy, and he lost the fight to not fall asleep, gently collapsing into the other's lap.

Chuuya didn't wake him up, because he didn't need to finish his sentence. He already knew in his heart what he was going to say, and that knowledge made him feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.

To top it all off, he stole a glance at Dazai's sleeping face. It wasn't the same expression as the droopy and pained one when he was out cold due to his sickness, and instead was entirely calm and content. This was the opposite of how Chuuya would have expected him to be just yesterday, but now, he found the unfamiliarity of it all to be beautiful.

The sliver of moonlight that came through the cracks in the doors and shone upon him, as if he was a work of art being put on display in a museum, only added to the beauty. incomplete couldn't help but plant another tender kiss on his forehead. As he did so, the corners of Dazai's mouth pulled up into the smallest of smiles.

He was happy just watching Dazai sleep like this, but soon enough, drowsiness hit him too, with the weight of a train.

As he gave in and let the upper part of his body droop over Dazai's, he never took his eyes off of him, not even for a second.

Finally realizing how much he needed to sleep, his eyes closed, while his face showed a satisfied smile.

Before joining Dazai in the realm of dreams, he gave an answer to his incomplete earlier sentence in a faint whisper, pressing his lips up against his ear.

"I love you too, you damn idiot."