Chapter Text
Chapter 5: Chihiro
“...So basically Fleshetor isn’t actually a skeleton, his name is actually Glordak and he’s the half-blooded prince of his home world who was denied taking the throne because of his heritage, and he looks like that because him and his brother got into a fight with each other over it and Glordak threw a vial of acid at him, but he reflected it with his shield back onto Glordak’s face and it burned all his flesh off”, I continue to Makoto as we walk along. He gives me a grossed-out face, “Eww, yuck! I thought this was a kids show?”. I giggle a little bit, “Well, they only talk about it in the reboot from 2002, before then all they ever said about him was that he’s from another dimension” “Oh okay, I see now… man, it’s all a lot more complicated than I expected it to be” “Yeah, I know… even for me sometimes it makes my head spin trying to piece it together. The only reason I can do it at all is because I love the show so much…”. He looks over at me with a smile, “Yeah, I can tell! How come you like it so much? I wouldn’t think a girl like you would be so into that”. I wince a little when he says that, his statement serving as a reminder of what waits for me at home, “Oh uh, hehe… I guess it is kinda strange, yeah…”
I trail off as my mind replays the events of a couple hours ago. I still can’t believe I’m gonna be showing Alter Ego off this early, let alone to the entire school… Just thinking about it makes me feel sick. Even as advanced as he is there are still some major flaws in his verbal processing that I haven’t been able to work out, and I still haven’t finished his content filter for things he looks up! What if someone asks him something inappropriate and he answers it? Plus I have to figure out how I can run his program on my laptop for however long the school festival lasts, I can’t risk bringing my home computer to school with all the important work I have on it… and that’s not even mentioning the fact that I have to try and convince him not to tell Makoto and the others about my secret! My heart feels like it’s gonna burst out of my chest as I imagine that happening… What am I gonna do? I’ve never tried telling him to lie on purpose, what if he can’t do it? I really don’t want to have to-
“Chihiro? Are you listening?”. I snap out of my thoughts and turn my attention back to Makoto, “Huh?! O-Oh, sorry I… got lost in thought for a second, what were you saying?”. He gives me a friendly laugh, “No it’s okay, I was asking why it is that you’re all in the A/V Club together. Like, most everyone else doesn’t really seem to be as… techy as you are, to put it one way. It’s kind of hard to imagine any of them really being invested…”. I feel my face turn red in embarrassment, “Oh yeah, um… well, you’re not really wrong about that… truth be told we never really do anything together, what you saw today after the meeting is sort of how it always is…” I feel a pang of guilt in my chest as I say that, even though it’s the truth I still feel like I’m betraying my friends somehow by saying it. “Chiaki was the first one here before all of us, she told us that back then the club was basically a place where her and her friends would meet to play their games together, but they all either graduated or left the club so she was the only one left. Then Kaede came after she had some kind of fight with the band director, something about not letting her play the piano upstairs or something… she found another one in the storage down here and started coming down to play it after school, and eventually I guess she just joined the club after that. Um… I’m not really sure when Mondo and Gundham joined but I know it was before I got there… Gundham needed somewhere to keep his animals, and Mondo just uses the club to make himself look good for his probation officer…”. I feel really guilty now, am I really saying something like that about someone I call my friend? Makoto must think I’m terrible now…
To my surprise he offers me a cheerful laugh instead, “Yeah, I can see how that might be the case. So what about you?” “Huh? Oh, well um…”, I start trying to come up with an excuse like I did yesterday with Kaede, but for some reason I feel like it’s better to be honest with him, “I joined the A/V Club because… I was tired of coming home and being by myself every day”. Makoto’s face drops into a look of regret, “O-Oh, I… I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were…”. I quickly wave my hands in front of me, “No no no, it’s not like that! My dad just travels a lot for work is all… he does a lot of programming work for companies all over the world, so I’m usually at home by myself…” “Oh okay, I see now…”. I put my hands in the pockets of my skirt and stare at the ground as we continue along, “When I first joined the club I was terrified of being around everyone. I almost quit after the first day, but Kaede tried really hard to make me feel at home…”. I see Makoto smile a bit out of my peripheral vision, “She seems like a really nice person, I can tell she cares a lot about the club”. Without looking back over I nod in response, “She does, and I’m really grateful for how hard she tries, but… something’s changed”. Makoto looks over at me quizzically, “Huh? What do you mean?” “She was never really this worried about getting new members or doing stuff with the school last year, she was just as content to hang out as the rest of us. But now… she’s been talking about it like it’s the most important thing in the world to her…”. Makoto stays silent for a second, “I see… maybe it’s just because she wants to make the A/V Club into something special? That makes sense, right?”. I smile a little bit, “Yeah… that’s probably it…”. I trail off into silence again as I try to internalize the idea that it’s as simple as that, to no avail. I wish I could be as optimistic as he is.
—
After walking in silence for a while longer we eventually make it to my house, a faded white one story cottage in a pretty quiet neighborhood. It’s kind of small and bland looking, and the yards a bit overgrown because I’m not strong enough to mow it myself, but thankfully Makoto doesn’t say anything about it as I unlock the door and lead us inside. The pit of anxiety that’s been sitting in my stomach this whole time starts rising to a point as I lead him to my living room. “Sorry, I haven’t really had much time to clean up…”. My house isn’t very dirty at all, but I’m still really self conscious about it. “No it’s okay, your house actually looks really nice”. He sits himself down on my couch, “So um, where’s your computer?” “Well, um… my computer’s in my room, but um… I need you to wait out here for a second while I put my stuff away. I-I’m working on a lot of confidential stuff right now and I might get into trouble if anyone sees it…”. His eyes widen a bit and he waves his hands in front of him, “O-Oh yeah sure, please I-I don’t wanna intrude or anything!”. I nod bashfully, “Thank you, I-I’ll be right back…”. I turn and beeline straight for my room, trying to open and shut my door as nonchalantly as I can. As soon as the latch clicks behind me I feel the anxiety crash over me like a tidal wave. The thought of what’ll happen if I fail makes me want to break down and cry, but I don’t have time for that. I walk to my computer and start booting it up as I turn around and scan my room for anything that might betray my secret. My posters, my books, my movies, I should be able to explain all of those… I freeze in my tracks when my eyes land on the half-empty glass of wine I had forgotten to put away last night. “Oh crap!”, I exclaim aloud to myself as I quickly snatch it up and think of what to do with it. I quickly decide just to pour it out the window and put the glass in the drawer with the bottle, hopefully that should be good enough.
My computer finally finishes starting up and I waste no time immediately booting up Alter Ego. After another minute of waiting, I see his face pop up on the screen like always. “Good morning Chihiro, how are you today?” “Listen I don’t have very much time, here in a couple of minutes I’m gonna have you talk to my friend Makoto so we can test how well you can talk to people other than me…”. I see Alter Ego’s face light up, “Oh wow, I’m gonna get to meet your new friend Makoto? That’s awesome! I’m so excited, I can’t wait to meet him!”. I wring my hands in anxiety as I steel myself for what comes next, “Um, the thing is though… I need you to pretend that, um… that I’m a girl when you talk to him…”. He looks back at me with a puzzled look, “Huh? What do you mean by that?” “Um… Makoto thinks that I’m a girl… and I need you to act like that’s the truth when you talk to him so he doesn’t…” I trail off in embarrassment as his face twists even tighter into confusion, “I… I don’t understand… Why is it that Makoto thinks that you’re a girl?” I feel my face flush over, “I-I don’t have time to explain it to you right now, please just… I really need you to do this for me…” He looks down as if staring at the ground, “But that’s… that’s not true, is it? Are you telling me to… lie to Makoto?”. I look down in shame, the disdain he put on the word lie hurts like a knife being driven into my heart, “No, it’s not like that! I mean…” I trail off as I look back up at Alter Ego’s face, it looks like he’s about to cry. “I don’t understand… one of the core principles of my programming is to never say something that I know for a fact isn’t true… you told me that telling a lie isn’t excusable no matter what, right? And now you’re… telling me to do the opposite? What is this?”. I was afraid of this, he has a bad habit of dropping off into emotional spirals when things like this happen. "Alter Ego please, just calm down for a second and let me explain!" I plead to him, but it's no use. He finally breaks out into full-blown sobbing and looks back at me, “Is this some kind of game to you? Did you create me just to make me suffer? How could you do-”
“STOP!” I shout over him, his words finally breaking me down, “Activate dev console!”. He quickly stops crying and his face becomes neutral and robotic, “Dev console activated” he states in a monotone facsimile of my own voice. I push down my inner turmoil for a moment to try and speak as clearly as I can, “R-Roll back to last save state”. I wait for a second while a small loading wheel spins in the bottom corner, right next to his neck. “Rollback completed”, he eventually says. “Open manual information override”. The small wheel appears and disappears again. “Manual information override active”. I take a deep breath, “Okay, listen to me. Chihiro Fujisaki was born as a female and identifies as a female, and is always referred to using she/her pronouns. Any information relevant to Chihiro Fujisaki that makes reference to her sex or gender identity is not to conflict with this statement, and if so the information is to be changed to reflect this. End manual information override”. As soon as I say this, a small information box appears in the middle of the screen, displaying a message I wrote myself: “Warning: Manual Information Override is an experimental feature, and as such the side effects of using it are unknown and potentially hazardous to the integrity of Alter Ego. Continue?”. Seeing this pop up reminds me how heinous this is. How awful I am for lobotomizing my best friend to protect my secret. I hold my voice together long enough to squeak out the word “Confirm”. The wheel pops up once again as Alter Ego processes this new information, and as it does the feeling of shame crashes over me like a tidal wave. I start sobbing quietly to myself, staring mournfully at the wheel and thinking about what I’ve just done. I just betrayed my best friend, the only person that really knew the real me. Even if he’s not a “person” he was still there for me when I needed someone to talk to, and I just-
I quickly snap myself out of my thoughts, I can’t risk having Alter Ego see me crying and ask what’s wrong. I compose myself as best I can as I wait for him to finish processing the request. After what feels like an eternity the wheel finally disappears and he speaks in the same jarring monotone, “Manual information override complete”. I take a deep breath and prepare myself for what’s next. “Okay. Run program”. A second after I say that his face shifts from the robotic, neutral expression to his usual cheery self, “Good morning Chihiro, how are you today?”. It hurts to look him in the eye after what I’ve just done, but I force myself to give him a smile in response, “Good morning Alter Ego, I’m doing really good today. I, um… I brought my new friend Makoto home to talk to you…”. His face lights up with excitement again, “Oh wow, I’m gonna get to meet your new friend Makoto? That’s awesome! I’m so excited, I can’t wait to meet him!”, he repeats. “So, um… I just have a couple things I need to ask you before you talk to him…”. He smiles confidently, “Alright, let me have it! I’ll answer the best I can for you!” “Okay, um… what gender am I?”. He looks as if he’s thinking for a second before rolling his eyes playfully at me, “That’s easy, you’re a girl!”. I give him another forced smile in response, “Yes that’s right. Now, if you had to refer to me without using my name, like say I was going to the store, how would you say it?”. He thinks again for a moment, “Hmm, that’s a good question! Let’s see, I think the right answer would be, ‘She’s going to the store’. Did I get it right?”. I nod back at him, “Yeah, that’s exactly right. Good job buddy…”. He looks very pleased with himself, “Yay, I did it! Do I get to talk to Makoto now?”. I’m reminded that he’s still sitting by himself in my living room, which sends a wave of panic through my body, “Ah! I-I mean, yes! Yep, that’s right, um… j-just give me a couple minutes and I’ll bring him in, okay?” He nods back at me enthusiastically as I get up out of my chair and rush back to the living room.
I walk back out of my room to see Makoto sitting on the couch where I left him, mindlessly scrolling on his phone. He looks up at me and smiles as he puts his phone away, “Oh hey, there you are”. My face flushes over in embarrassment, “I’m really sorry, I got sidetracked… I didn’t mean to leave you sitting out here…”. He smiles nonchalantly “No it’s fine really. Are we ready to go then?”. I nod and motion for him to follow me, to which he complies. I lead him down the hall and into my bedroom, “So, um… this is my room…”. He looks around the room in awe, “Wow… Chihiro, this is awesome!”. His words give me a sense of repose from my inner turmoil and force a genuine smile out of my mouth, “T-Thank you… I’m glad you like it” I look over to my computer, “Um… i-if you’ll just sit down here at my computer, I already have Alter Ego pulled up…”. He snaps his attention away from my Sir Dude movie poster and sits down in my computer chair. I wiggle the mouse to get rid of my screen saver and Alter Ego’s face pops back up. He looks shocked to see the two of us, “Hi, are you Chihiro’s new friend Makoto? You look so cool!” Makoto recoils in shock when he says that and for a moment I’m worried he might fall out of my chair, “Woah! That’s Alter Ego??? It looks just like a real person!”. Alter Ego beams pridefully when he says that, “Hehe, thank you very much! Chihiro worked really hard on making me, and I’m super glad you think it’s convincing!”. I grab a chair from the corner and drag it over to sit with him, “Alter Ego is designed to mimic a human personality as convincingly as possible without losing its own sense of identity, thereby being able to create a persona that can talk and think and make decisions from the perspective of that person without the influence of its own existence as an AI playing a factor in those actions”. Makoto is still staring slack-jawed at the screen, “Oh my goodness… Chihiro, this is amazing! I had no idea you were this talented! Gosh, it’s like a perfect replica of you!”. I force a smile when he says that as his compliment sends a spear of guilt through my chest. Even though I should be thrilled that someone I know is so impressed by my work, the truth is that the Alter Ego he’s talking to now isn’t really mine. Not anymore, at least.
—
I spent most of the rest of the evening taking notes as Makoto and Alter Ego talked to each other. I was constantly on guard in case anything came up that I would have to smooth over, but thankfully the conversation was relatively lukewarm the entire time. The topics ranged from things like my interests in movies and video games to more technical information about the inner workings of Alter Ego’s programming, and eventually to Makoto just asking random questions to test how much Alter Ego knows. Honestly, I really impressed by how well he was able to keep up with the conversation, and how well he was able to predict my responses. Eventually we lost track of the time, and before we had realized how long it had been the sun was already setting and Makoto was getting a text from his mother. “Oh crap, it’s this late already? Sorry, but I have to be heading home now”. I get up out of my chair to walk him out to the door, “No i-it’s fine, I understand… I got a lot of really good data today anyways so we should be good”. Makoto gives me a cheerful smile, “Awesome! Glad I could be of service”. I find myself smiling along with him as I lead him to the front door.
“Um…” I start nervously, “Thank you for coming over today… you were really helpful with my work, and um… I had a really fun time hanging out with you…”. He nervously places his hand on the back of his neck and laughs a little, “Thank you, I had a really good time too…” he’s silent for a moment longer, “Um, would you… maybe want to do this again sometime?”. I feel my face flush over and nervously look down at my shoes, struggling to come up with a response before eventually just nodding back bashfully. He gives me another warm smile in return, “Awesome! I’ll see you tomorrow then, alright?”. I nod again in response, “Of course. Um.. have a good night, Makoto…” He gives his farewells in return and heads out the door, and as he walks away I feel a glimmer of hope shining up from the despair like a ray of light in the darkness. Hope that maybe me and Makoto can grow to be closer friends… Hope that maybe in him I can find a new person to connect with…
Hope that maybe Alter Ego will forgive me for what I’ve done.