Chapter Text
Jungkook spends the night in his room, drowning himself in his work (and drowning his thoughts in turn). Everything he's writing is a load of bullshit, he already knows that, but he doesn't want to be in the real world right now. That takes far too much effort. It’s not like his editors expect much from him anyway, hell he even thinks he has their numbers blocked because of the non-stop demands. It doesn’t matter if he fucks up his career, he’s going to be dead soon anyway. Everything will be over.
He realised something today. He realised that there's a piece of him missing, and he doesn't know what piece, or where it is, or how he'll ever find it again, but he knows it's gone and that he's incomplete.
Jungkook is empty, and he knows he is, but that doesn't make it hurt any less just to be aware of it.
He's hurting - he's hurting so much. It's an indescribable pain, something deep-rooted inside of him that will never leave. A shadow. Yes, it's truly like his shadow. It's an addicting sadness that swallows him whole, he's unable to breathe, unable to think, unable to live. He's decaying from the inside, his heart torn apart as it desperately tries to fill the empty cavern of his existence.
It’s driving him insane, and he fears everyone else is noticing too.
Jin had knocked on his door not too long ago, calling out his name.
Jungkook didn't answer.
So did Jimin, and Jungkook didn't answer him either. Taehyung came along a few minutes later (and has finally learnt the art of knocking before entering) but Jungkook ignored his calls too. Clearly they came to see if they could cheer him up, or drag him away from his work which he'd been consumed with since he came home. But Jungkook doesn't want cheering up, he just wants to sit here and wallow in self-pity and misery please and thank you.
Everyone seemed to take the hint and left when he didn’t open the door for them. Jungkook doesn’t mean to be rude, they’ve always been nothing but wonderful to him, but he doesn’t have the energy to talk to anyone right now. Not now not ever.
He squints at his laptop, all the words blurring into one big mush of black and white. There's a steadily increasing throb just behind his eyes, and he just knows a migraine is on it's way.
With a heavy sigh, he shuts off his laptop and just clambers into bed. He sinks into the sheets, tears pricking at his eyes as he buries himself into the blanket. He doesn’t even know why he’s starting to cry this time, he just is and everything fucking hurts. That's all Jungkook seems to be good at these days: crying and fucking everything up. He wishes it would all just stop because it hurts too much to be alive. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.
His head is pounding with the threat of an oncoming migraine, there’s a tightness in his chest like someone’s crushing his heart and twisting in the pit of his stomach.
Life really has it out for him today.
He knuckles at his eyes in frustration, burning as tears gather on his lashes. He huffs out a tense sigh, not even sure why he feels so crestfallen, so lost, so miserable. It's all so hopeless. He's hopeless.
Everything is fucking hopeless. And thankfully nobody seems to be aware of his current state of crisis, which is good for him. He doesn’t want to risk a breakdown in front of anyone.
Yet…he wants everyone here. He wants Jin to hold him and Yoongi to snuggle up next to him - god he even wants Jimin and Taehyung to burst through the door without knocking and come wrap him up in one of their blankets. He’d even take Namjoon and his awkward hugs with that even more awkward dimpled smile he does that just makes Jungkook’s heart flutter.
He just wants to feel safe. Is that too much to ask for?
He came all the way out here so he could finally man the fuck up and kill himself and he’s still here wallowing in his misery yearning for even the slightest affection.
Why is he so pathetic?
He feels guilty and ashamed just for existing and having human emotions. He’s such an emotional wreck and he has no idea what to do.
Burrowing under his blankets, Jungkook rubs his face into his pillow, desperately trying to convince himself he’s not about to break down in tears. With a hoarse, defeated groan, Jungkook presses the sleeves of his hoodie into his eyes.
He feels shaky, sick, lost.
Something is wrong, he knows it is. The night is slipping away and he knows it’s only moments until the tears come like the promise of early morning rain. He wraps the blanket around himself tighter, choosing to ignore the way his hands tremble.
He thinks of home, and how everything leading up to this point has left him with a withered soul and nowhere to go with only a grim reaper to give him directions.
Jungkook can’t do it anymore. He just can’t do it.
It’s like the world personally has it out for him - like it’s trying to prove something by sending him in circles chasing happiness he’ll never get to have. And now, that he’s given up on achieving this happiness, he’s chasing death instead.
The world has left him for dead.
He’s going to do it.
He’s going to kill himself.
And he’s going to do it soon.
-
Nobody had seen Jungkook at all since he came home. It’s not unusual for him to be holed away in his room, or for him to completely go under the radar for a few hours but he’s been silent for the better half of the day and is yet to make a peep.
And quite frankly, that worries Jin immensely.
Jungkook, despite all his anxious habits and that faraway look adorning his eyes, has come out his shell little by little everyday. He's been out in town with Jimin a few times, probably watched "Aristocats" with Yoongi at least a hundred times by now, and sometimes accompanies Jin when he goes grocery shopping. He's become accustomed to all the impromptu hugs and cuddles, he still blushes profusely whenever someone presses a kiss to the top of his head but they can work with that.
Usually Jin sees him perched on the end of the sofa, lost in thought whilst everyone chatters around him and every so often pitching in with the smallest of smiles. If not that then Jimin and Taehyung have him held hostage in a cuddle sandwich and in those simple moments Jungkook looks so content. It's when Jin sees that gentle expression on his face that his own worry settles momentarily.
But not today, Jungkook is nowhere to be seen and that sets Jin on edge for a reason he cannot decipher himself.
He comes into the living room, a mug of warm tea in his hands, “Is Jungkook still in his room?”
Taehyung nods, he’d knocked on the door not too long ago but Jungkook’s soft little reserved voice wasn’t heard in response. However, he knows the younger was in there because he could see the light of his laptop from under the door.
Jimin pouts glumly, resting his chin on the top of his knees, “He’s been miserable all afternoon, all evening and all night. I think he’s upset about something.”
Jungkook is always upset about something, they all know that. Although it's not so much that he's sad...more so that he's empty. There's always this lost glaze decorating his eyes, a head full of thoughts and yet none at all. He's wandering in a world that isn't his own. Everyone can tell. It's so obvious. And yet here they are...not doing anything about it.
“Namjoon-ah what did you say to him?” Yoongi interrogates, scrunching his nose up in what’s meant to look like a disapproving scowl but in reality is as threatening as a kitten.
Namjoon holds his arms up in defence, “He was like that before I said anything.”
“But you did say something,” Yoongi retorts.
Yes, Namjoon did say something. And he's probably going to live to regret it. It'll be one of those awkward moments that plays in his head at 3 am forcing him to stay awake.
"Namjoon-ah what did you say?" Jin asks softly.
Sighing, he runs a tired hand through his hair, "I shouldn't have pointed it out in the first place, I really don't think it's something I should reiterate."
Yeah, please don't. For Jungkook's sake.
"Did you say something mean?" Taehyung whispers, eyes unblinking.
Namjoon shakes his head, "No, it was just a sensitive subject."
That does not narrow things down in the slightest.
Everything is a sensitive subject to Jungkook. He could write a never-ending list on things he doesn't want to talk about, encounter, hear about or even think about. His family for starters, his old home, his job, money, food, weight, scars, mirrors, anything involving his less than ideal mental health and all the triggers that come with that really. The list is truly endless.
"Look, maybe he just needs some space," Namjoon starts, "Maybe he's had a long day and just wants some time alone to rest? He's feeling a little off, and now we just need to leave him be for a little while."
Unfortunately, Taehyung doesn't believe in alone time and is a firm believer of bear-hugging everyone within an inch of their life if they're even the slightest bit sad. It's one of his many charms.
Taehyung pouts, "But what if he's sad? What if he needs a hug?"
Always asking the important questions, thank you Taehyung. Because yes, what if Jungkook needs a hug?
"Let's not disturb him Taehyung, maybe Namjoon's right," Jin replies.
Taehyung also doesn't believe in listening. It's not quite one of his charms...although it can be a little endearing at times.
Standing up, Taehyung grabs a blanket off the back of the sofa. He has a sixth sense for things like this and will be going to give Jungkook the hug he probably needs.
"Taehyung where are you going?" Jin asks, raising an eyebrow.
"Bathroom," is his reply.
Right.
Jin raises his eyebrows ever higher, "With your blanket?"
"Yes, it's cold in there," he states, already wandering off down the hall.
Namjoon sighs, "He's not going to the bathroom is he?"
"No, no he is not," Jin mumbles. He pushes himself off the sofa with a soft sigh, mug of tea forgotten on the coffee table. But it's okay, as soon as he's off into the hall following Taehyung , Yoongi happily takes it.
Namjoon watches him fondly, "How much tea can you drink?"
Yoongi thinks for a moment.
"A lot."
-
Jungkook can't stop crying. He can't stop. The tears, they won't slow down.
He's crying. He's crying. He's crying. And he can't fucking stop. Why won't the tears stop? He can't hold them back and they just keep coming and coming and coming. He's at his limit, everything is all too overwhelming and insanely empty all at the same time. His heart, it is too heavy, and so the tears keep on coming.
Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
God he's so fucking pathetic. All he does is cry, and fuck things up, and then cry some more and even after all that still can't bring himself to die.
He can hear his own heartbeat in his ears, the rhythmic pounding sending waves of panic up his spine.
Then there's a knock at the door, and he quickly realises he can't breathe.
"Kook-ah?"
Oh god. Please not Jin. He can't - he can't let Jin see him like this. He can't - Jungkook needs to - he needs to - he doesn't even fucking know what he needs to do.
Jungkook stares at the door like a deer frozen in front of the headlights, heart in his throat. He thinks he's going to be sick. He really really thinks he's going to be sick-
"I'm coming in now Jungkook."
The door handle turns, and Jungkook's heart stops. It actually stops, his blood runs cold and everything just fucking stops. Oh God, Oh God, Oh God he can't lie his way out of this one. It's over. Everyone is going to think he's pathetic, disgusting, wrong. He can't - he just can't.
He locks eyes with Jin, shaking, trembling, probably about to break down further. Nobody - and he means nobody - was supposed to see him like this.
He swallows thickly, desperately trying to wipe away the tears from his face. But Jin can see them, and he knows that Jin can see them, and that all of this is pointless and he's been caught and that he can't hide any longer and that everything is a waste of time and energy, he's a waste of time and energy.
"My allergies-" he blurts, as if that'll save the situation because some allergies can totally cause tears to stream down his face, "They're acting up again-"
He trails off, what's even the point of trying to lie his way out of this?
Jin walks closer, slow and calm as if he's trying not to scare off a wild animal. But it doesn't matter because Jungkook can't breathe and he can't think and oh god why does Jin have to do this to him.
"Hyung I - I don't - " he doesn't even know what he's saying, or what he's trying to say. His brain is short-circuiting on him and everything is blurring together he doesn't know what to do.
Why won't everything just stop? He can't take it. He can't take it anymore. He can't fucking take it!
"Oh sweetheart..." Jin soothes, sitting on the edge of the bed. Jungkook knows it's meant to be comforting, he knows that, but Jungkook's stomach sinks because he knows this won't last forever. Because he knows he doesn't deserve this. Because he fucking knows he'll be dead anyway so why even bother letting anyone close?
"Can I - Can I touch you Kook-ah?" Jin asks him softly. Jungkook nods in response, albeit shakily.
There are gentle hands on his face, wiping away tears better than he ever could. It hurts. It hurts so much. Why does it hurt to be taken care of?
"I'm sorry," Jungkook whimpers, trembling. He doesn't even know what he's sorry for. He doesn't know anything. He's so fucking clueless and lost and confused, it's like he's gone through the fucking looking-glass.
Jin pulls him closer, arms wrapping around Jungkook like he's the most precious thing in the world. Jungkook doesn’t deserve this. He doesn’t deserve all this love and care.
Jungkook let’s himself be drawn into the crook of Jin’s shoulder, tears soaking into the fabric of his shirt. He feels limp and lifeless, there's no point in trying to pull away.
There's no point in anything.
"Don't be sorry Kook-ah, you have nothing to be sorry for," he consoles, running his hands softly over Jungkook's hair, "I'm here for you, it's okay, you're okay."
No. No he isn't. It's not okay - and it will never be okay because Jungkook is so sure he's destined to be miserable for the rest of his pathetic life. He wishes he was dead, he needs to kill himself, he needs to go. He needs to fucking do it.
“Don’t cry Jungkook,” Jin tells him, “Hyung’s got you, it’ll be okay.”
But it won’t. It won’t. It won’t. It won’t.
“You want to tell me what’s wrong?”
Jungkook shakes his head. He can't tell Jin what's wrong because he doesn't even know himself. Everything is wrong. He's wrong. Jungkook is wrong.
“Okay, that’s okay,” Jin responds, petting as his head softly. It's gentle and loving, and it makes Jungkook's heart ache, "We don't have to talk about anything till you're ready."
Nodding into the crook of his neck, Jungkook inhales a shuddering breath as he bunches the back of Jin's shirt in his little hands. His heart is pounding in his chest, a loud thrum thrum thrum reaching his ears.
He just can't stop crying.
And he knows he shouldn't cry - it makes everyone feel like shit when he's miserable. That's what his parents always told him. He remembers it all so clearly, his childhood filled with locked doors and dark nights, shattering glass and ear-piercing screams. He wasn't allowed to cry, at least not in front of other people. His parents would get so mad, they'd do anything to get him to stop and act confused when hurting him didn't work.
And Jungkook can't imagine it would take Jin very long to get annoyed by it either.
He inhales a shuddery breath, "I don't want to be me anymore, I don't want to live as me."
Jin thinks his heart shatters.
"Oh Jungkook, sweetheart..." he murmurs, concerned. He hugs him closer, smoothing a hand over Jungkook's back. He's trembling. The poor thing is trembling.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he says plaintively, just waiting for Jin to get sick of him. He's so fragile, so weak, so pathetic.
"No Jungkook, no, we aren't going to do this. You have nothing to be sorry for. You're hurting and that's okay, you don't have to tell me why, but don't be sorry for feeling emotions. It's normal. It's okay."
Normal. Ha. It's anything but. Is it normal for Jungkook to be so fucking miserable that his only option is to end it? Surely that can't be normal.
And oh how he wishes Jin would stop telling him it’s okay because it’s not. It will never be okay. Why does everyone keep lying to him? Jungkook isn’t sure if anything can be okay again ever, and he wants to believe it for Seokjin's sake more than his own but he just can't.
Why has he been plagued with such a cruel life, what did he ever do to deserve this?
Jin keeps rubbing gentle circles on his back, and Jungkook can feel it as they pass over the bone of his spine. He knows what Jin is probably thinking, he knows what they all think about him. That he’s frail and sickly, bones protruding from his pallid skin. He’s hurting, Jungkook is sick at heart and doesn’t know how to soothe that aching sadness without taking it out on his body.
Jungkook doesn’t know anything.
Jin exhales softly, “Jungkook you’re so little…I feel like if I hold you too tight you’re going to break.”
There it is. Jungkook knew it was coming.
“I know you don’t want to hear it,” Jin starts, voice barely above a whisper, “But I’m worried. We’re all so worried.”
Jungkook sniffles, "I'm sorry-"
"No Kook-ah, don't. Please don't be sorry. You've never done anything wrong, you're wonderful, you're perfect. It'll be okay, just don't apologise for things out of your control."
He's lying. Jin is lying to him.
"It’ll be fine sweetheart," Jin soothes, fingers moving to comb through Jungkook's thinning hair.
Please stop lying. Please stop. Oh stop. Oh stop. Oh stop.
"Hyung it won't," Jungkook rasps, voice strained from crying.
His words come out broken and disjointed between shaky breaths, it's like he can’t seem to take in enough air for his lungs. Jungkook can't breathe.
He can’t breathe. He can’t breathe.
He knows he's panicking, and he doesn't even know why. All he knows is that the world is blurry and he can't breathe and everything is too much and he can't fucking cope oh god oh god oh god make it stop.
"Jungkook, oh darling, please stop crying. You're going to make yourself sick," Jin urges him, but his words do nothing to cease the nausea growing in the pit of Jungkook's stomach.
"It hurts," Jungkook whimpers, because that's all his mind can process - that everything hurts, "It hurts so much."
Jin sucks in a sharp breath, "Tell me what hurts treasure, just tell Hyung what's wrong and I'll make it better. I'll make everything go away, just tell me what's wrong."
He doesn't know. Jungkook doesn't know what's wrong and that's the problem! It all hurts, it's agonising, and he doesn't know why or how to make it all stop. Everything is driving him insane, and no matter how emotionally frozen, how bitter, how cold he is, Jungkook is always hurt in the end.
Jungkook can't hold it back anymore, he’s been silent too long and he’s going to explode should he stay that way, ""Everything, everything fucking hurts. I - I can't do it anymore, it hurts to be alive. I don't want to - I don't want to live anymore."
Everything goes silent.
Jin doesn't know what he was expecting, he really really doesn't know what he was expecting, but the words go through his heart like a bullet. All he wants is to wrap Jungkook up in a blanket and shield him from this cruel cruel world.
"Oh sweetheart," Jin whispers. He doesn't know what else to say. He doesn't think there is anything he can say. This isn't something he can magically fix, he can't make all of this go away.
Jungkook weakly raises his head, eyes red and bloodshot. He looks sick.
And of course Jin noticed it before, but here with only the gentle light of the moon to shine upon his face Jin can see...everything.
Jungkook's skin is waxen like the waning moon up in their very sky, sunken eyes lost and distant with too many thoughts locked away behind them. There are dark circles under them, and Jungkook looks so tired.
He looks tired of life, of existing, of surviving. Jungkook looks three steps from the edge, and it's like even the gentlest gust of wind will push him too far.
Jin wipes away stray tears, thumbing over Jungkook's cheek. Jungkook is so far gone, perhaps too far gone to be helped. Help…the poor boy is beyond help. A part of Jin imagines Jungkook is almost like a fallen angel, delicate features and rose lips now stark and washed out - swallowed by the night, now lost as the stars and the sky have shunned him. Within dark shadows and sardonic thoughts, is there any really point in trying to help? Would Jungkook not just refuse it? The boy makes the same mistakes again and again, accepting the fact that nobody will help him and that his time on earth is pointless. He's stood face to face with his own humanity for far too long, and all he needs to stop this.
Jin stills himself, "Kook-ah, are you tired?"
Jungkook doesn't answer straight away, he just thinks for a moment.
Yes. He is tired. He's tired of everything. Should he look outside and gaze upon this forsaken world...he would not find any reason to go on. There is nowhere he belongs, he has nothing to keep his sanity intact and nobody will ever care enough to try and repair his aching soul. He's lost everything.
He nods weakly, sniffling gently.
“Hyung’ll make it better Kook-ah. It’ll be okay. You’ll be okay,” Jin says, and Jungkook doesn’t know if he believes him. He doesn't think he'll be okay because he's lost inside, and there is no way out of this eternal maze that is his own tainted mind.
The elder shifts Jungkook off his lap, taking the blanket from the bottom of the bed and draping it over his legs.
“Lie down Jungkook, hyung’ll keep you safe.”
He doesn't take much convincing, Jungkook does just as he's asked, he has no fight left in him. There are no complaints, no excuses, no nothing.
He’s so tired. Oh Jungkook is just so so tired.
A part of him belatedly wonders what Jin wants to keep him safe from, and then another part of him decides it’s likely himself. It figures, now that his parents are gone and everything he once knew he left behind, the only thing that could really hurt him is himself. But he's not suicidal. No. He's just trying to find happiness, that's all. Nobody needs to worry about him, he's just doing what's best...for everyone.
Jin lies down next to him, drawing Jungkook into his chest with gentle arms. There's a gentle kiss to the top of Jungkook’s head, and a blanket pulled over his shoulders. All this love and comfort...he doesn't deserve it. Not at all. And yet after a life not dissimilar to a sunless abyss, a cavern of misery...Jungkook cannot refuse it. These people, why do they care so much? He doesn't know why he lets Jin hold him so, he doesn't know why he let's everyone comfort him, he doesn't know. So far in his life...clouds have blocked the sun and now that people as warm as the sun itself are trying to love him - well he doesn't know what to do.
Jin locks eyes with him, mouth curled into the smallest of smiles. There's acres of warmth stitched into his expression, a man made of only perfect things.
"Shut your eyes," Jin whispers to him, petting over his head, "It's okay."
Jungkook stares at him for one second more, wondering what he did to deserve someone who cares so much. Why is it that...after so long he's found people who actually care? And now he's going to throw it all away.
"It'll be okay, it'll all be okay."
And so, with that gentle reassurance, Jungkook finally lets himself shut his eyes.
It doesn’t take long to slip away, his breakdown clearly tiring him out enough to send him off to sleep. Jin talks to him softly, kind words and gentle reassurance that Jungkook’s head can’t really comprehend.
All he knows is that he falls asleep to those words.
Jin studies his face as he sleeps, worry lacing his brow.
“Oh Jungkook, what did you do to deserve this?” he whispers under his breath despite knowing Jungkook won't be able to hear. He blinks back tears, cradling Jungkook in his arms like his life depends on it.
His chest aches with concern in a deep-rooted almost burning pain. Something...something makes his blood freeze over slowly - like an icy lake at the beginning of winter. He knows that after this he can't just watch Jungkook fall in a downward spiral. If something were to happen well...Jin doesn't think he could live with the guilt.
In the silence, with only the moon and the stars to witness his fall, Jin finally lets himself cry.