Chapter Text
“I’m going to the studio, Unnie. Do you want me to grab something for you?”
“No. Be safe on your way there, Momo.”
Momo sighs for the nth time this week, unsure of how to get Seungwan out of her room without being forceful. She still doesn’t know what could have possibly happened that would result in this outcome. Spending the evening with Sana in the car and giving her constructive advice was very fruitful, although it was basically just her watching Sana get to work after a few kisses here and there. When she reached home, Seungwan was already in her own room which isn’t strange at all. After a day of training and vigorous routines, it’s normal for both of them to go straight to sleep.
It was only when Momo went to the company alone for the next two days, Seungwan feeling so unwell she didn’t want to get out of bed. Naturally, the other vocal coaches were brought in quickly to prevent loss of training and hours... so Seungwan’s just required to stay home and rest. It’s getting out of hand though; the woman literally comes out of her room to use the bathroom and maybe eat a little bit but that’s about it.
“Unnie, you don’t have to talk to me but please... speak to someone that you’re comfortable with.” Momo sits down beside Seungwan whose body is completely hidden beneath her covers. She lifts a hand and pats the woman’s head tenderly, “I just want you to be okay... and also because someone’s really worried about you.”
“Thanks, Momo. I’ll be fine soon.”
Seungwan is half tempted to tell Momo the truth; they’ve been friends for a little over three years now, having to work hand in hand with trainees but Momo still doesn’t know much about the latter. Not to say that they’re expected to be a hundred percent transparent with each other, but Momo is certainly more willing to share about herself in comparison to Seungwan who shies away from many private topics.
It’s just so... shameful.
Before Momo walks out of the door, Seungwan squeaks out a soft line. “Can we talk tonight?”
The way Momo’s eyes light up is astounding, like she won the lottery or heard she’d be dancing for eternity. She gives a thumbs up as reassurance and smiles at Seungwan. “Of course, Unnie. I’ll be back right after practice.”
text message from THE hirai momo 🫦
i won’t be able to send you back tonight
think you can leave with Joohyun?
let me know when you’re home though xx
Sana inwardly sighs at the text; she originally planned to show Momo her final draft for her song and maybe the dance routine. The second-to-last elimination is literally in two days, after all. Then again, she knows just as well that relying on Momo’s feedback alone isn’t going to be substantial. It might even look suspicious because Sana didn’t look for any other coach to aid her in writing her song, although Miss Kim was there to fall back on. Ever since the day of the briefing, Miss Son didn’t turn up for other group practices unless trainees specifically wanted her help.
“You’re going home with me tonight, aren’t you?” Joohyun teases.
“Unfortunately.”
“Hey!”
It’s good to see Joohyun still trying her best to maintain the smile on her face despite what happened last week. She didn’t go into detail with Sana since Seungwan seemed to be talking about her own personal experiences but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that something happened.
“Yes, I am... Miss Hirai seems to have something on tonight so I don’t want to disturb her.” Sana mumbles, resting her head against Joohyun’s shoulder. “At least we’ve finished our lyrics and songs so maybe we can relax for a bit and just talk. Let’s start with why you haven’t been talking to Miss Son at all.”
Joohyun’s smile quickly turns upside down at the mention of the woman. “Well, long story short, she confessed that my crush isn’t one-sided but basically said we probably won’t get together and she’s apparently not asking me to wait. I don’t know. She left before I could even say anything.”
“Oh, Unnie...”
The sympathy for Joohyun grows tenfold when Sana sees the tears threatening to spill from her eyes. Her relationship with Momo is only developing in the right direction – with some boundaries still in place – whilst her own friend is probably dealing with something not less than heartbreak. It might not be the most obvious to anyone who doesn’t know more than the bare surface, but Sana has seen the way their vocal coach looks at her friend. Sure, her eyes were filled with disdain and indifference at first but she saw first-hand how Seungwan’s attitude changed over time.
It's impossible for Seungwan to disregard those feelings.
“I’m still doing okay... at least, the lyrics are coming out very smoothly. If my love life doesn’t progress, at least I can still try to achieve my dreams.” Joohyun whispers, mind filled with the image of their vocal coach being so sentimental that night. Her sadness still proves as a source of inspiration, which’ll only improve her performance.
It might sound crazy to normal people but Joohyun is willing to wait for Seungwan to open up. She didn’t reject the idea of getting together in the future, only that she’s clearly not ready to get into one at the moment. Perhaps Seungwan is the right person, they’re just in the wrong time frame.
Sana interlaces their fingers together and gives the older woman’s hand a soft squeeze. “If you ever need to cry, Unnie, I’m always going to be here.”
What I really need... is answers.
Inside this sudden guest of wind,
Just like always we are walking side by side
Just like this, I won’t let go of your hand
Cause you’re the only
Yeah, you’re the only
“It sounds like a sad song.”
Joohyun hums in response, her eraser working nonstop with how many times she rewrites her own lyrics. “I guess it depends on how you interpret the lyrics. I think of it as a song that will give me hope and assurance.” She keeps her answer short since they’re still sitting with three other trainees at the table, but the snickering from Sana tells her she knows exactly what it’s referring to.
Drenched in fear
I couldn’t even move as I wished
I don’t even know how to breathe
I confess one by one and find myself
“I think the fact that you’re in Korea, writing Korean lyrics when it’s not even your native language is amazing, Sana. That alone should be an achievement.” Joohyun keeps nodding as she reads the lyrics.
It still makes Sana blush whenever people commend her for her Korean language skills; her effort to work hard to communicate pays off handsomely. She’s, however, more thankful for the fact that Joohyun doesn’t seem to catch onto the lyrics since she doesn’t say anything that suggests more.
“Sounds like I’m not the only one writing a song to dedicate to someone else.”
“Unnie!”
Unbeknownst to them, Momo is watching from outside the studio with the softest smile on her face. She’s been standing there for a good ten minutes or so but she wants to enjoy observing Sana from afar. Sure, they spend many hours together every other day but Sana beside her is vastly different from the Sana outside. Not to say her personality flips like a switch but Sana is always nervous, hardly daring to initiate any form of physical affection despite being forward about her feelings. She’s also twice as cautious whenever they’re not at the dorm or far away from the company, so to see Sana behaving freely is both saddening and relieving.
Watching Sana text someone whilst smiling to herself is a bit unnerving though, and Momo finds herself pouting at the fact.
Until her phone rings.
text message to THE hirai momo 🫦
of course
have a good day and night momoring
Sana smiling at her phone... that was for her?
It’s difficult to even describe how Momo’s heart just keeps skipping beats as she finds out for herself just how much Sana likes her. Her entire life, Mrs Hirai has always emphasized the goodness of being loved rather than to love. Perhaps growing up with parents who were only together due to an arranged marriage back then is a contributing factor to why Momo doesn’t acknowledge her feelings as love yet. Right now, her feelings for Sana are clearly lacking compared to Sana’s for her but it is a start. Everything they do feels so right, like a puzzle coming together.
Not that the company or production team will ever understand that.
“Miss Hirai! Do you mind helping me with dance routine?”
“Of course not. Let’s go, Yerim.”
Joohyun gives Sana a big nudge in the ribs when their dance coach finally makes her appearance, relishing the way Sana’s eyes grow wider and her fingers frantically combing through her locks. It’s still refreshing to see the younger one loses her cool because she’s always the same; this makes Joohyun yearn for someone to make her feel like that every day.
“Good afternoon, Miss Hirai!”
“Joohyun, Sana. I trust everything is going well with your song-writing.” Momo nods at them, gaze lingering on the latter just a little longer than she plans to. For the first time since they’ve met though, she can’t seem to read Sana’s expression. “If you need to see me before leaving, let me know.”
Usually, Sana’s smile never leaves her face because seeing Momo makes her day, but seeing the trainee cling to Momo’s arm is ticking her off. She’s well aware that they’re probably only in their dating phase with no official label but her jealousy is off the charts. Sana knows it’s partially due to Momo being unable to deny anyone, since it’s a huge part of her job – it really doesn’t help that the trainees are all beautiful. Insecurities are at work every day of her life and they shouldn’t because none of them are being cuddled or kissed by Momo whenever possible... but still.
Joohyun’s pencil doesn’t stop scribbling jumbled words and notes across her already-filled pages; she’s in the zone right now. Since she’s clearly not going to see Seungwan till the woman is ready, then she will give her assurance via other methods that cannot be denied.
When you’re ready to open up, I’ll be there waiting.
*
Dinner time is supposed to be relaxing and stress-free, since it’s the only period trainees get to do anything they want without feeling trapped in the studios. Of course, everyone thinks that way except Sana and Joohyun. They love being alone with the coaches because they get all the privacy possible and there’s more time to work on their craft. Joohyun literally drags Sana out occasionally because she doesn’t want them to be caught sucking face if ever; call it best friend duties. The favour is rarely returned because Joohyun and Seungwan don’t have a single connection between them.
It definitely took its toll on Joohyun because she voluntarily went to the cafeteria alone.
“Why is my little baby sulking?”
“I’m not little.” Sana mumbles, rolling her eyes at the pair of arms around her waist. She can’t even pretend she doesn’t like being babied but this won’t expel her jealousy so easily. “Why are you here? Don’t you need to eat?”
Momo tightens her arms around Sana’s waist, nuzzling her nose into the latter’s neck with a whine. She might maintain a professional front at all times but it doesn’t mean she’s oblivious to Sana’s feelings; the latter isn’t good at hiding her expression when it comes to her anyway. “Don’t be jealous, Sana. I’m just trying to be a good dance coach; you know I’m here to help all the trainees achieve their dreams.”
When she feels Sana begin to relax in her arms, Momo finally heaves a huge sigh of relief. It’s not difficult to understand the reasoning behind Sana’s jealousy. If Momo were to be completely transparent, she might not even let it go so easily because she can be very jealous if she wants to be. Once their produce season is over and Sana’s done with the temporary group, Momo hopes she’s still willing to date her, but with an official label this time. By then, her own contract will be finished and Momo can make new bargains that align with her own beliefs before re-signing.
Time will tell if Sana and Momo are meant to be together, regardless of their professional status.
“Sorry, I’m just...”
“I know.” Momo pats her tummy gently, giggling when Sana tries to swat her hands away. “I think I’d be the same if the roles were reversed too. Also, Seungwan-unnie – well, Miss Son to you – wants to talk to me about something... I think it’s about her past so I have to be with her. She’s been so depressed.”
Sana turns to face Momo with a pout, trying not to overthink the feel of the woman’s hands around her waist. “I hope Miss Son is okay. If Joohyun-unnie looks so upset whenever I’m not watching, then I can only imagine how Miss Son must feel.”
The more time Momo spends with Sana, the harder she falls for the latter. She tries to care for anybody and everybody despite not knowing them well and Momo honestly expected her to jump to Joohyun’s defense. Yet here she is, proving Momo wrong for the nth time since they met.
“Keep working on your song, okay? I know you haven’t decided on what kind of instrumental you’re going to be using but the lyrics are already amazing on its own. I have faith in your abilities.”
With pink staining her cheeks, Sana bows her head with a soft mumble of gratitude.
“When do you think Miss Son is returning?”
“I’m not sure. I heard she took medical leave for this entire week.”
Joohyun looks down at her plate, poking around the unappetizing meal. She only came down to give Sana some privacy; just because she’s miserable doesn't mean they have to be. Although their conversation ended that way, Joohyun still hoped Seungwan would send her a text from time to time. There was definitely a glimmer of hope between the lines; Joohyun can be delusional but not to that extent. The only thing stopping her from making the first move is fear of rejection.
“What are you doing here alone?”
“I figured Sana needed help from you, Miss Hirai.” Joohyun tries not to show how envious she is, but that effort goes to naught soon enough.
“She’ll be opening up to me tonight… so I hope she does the same for you when she’s ready.” Momo starts off, careful not to cause more damage than salvation. “Just be patient with her, okay?”
This should be another sign, right?
Waiting for Seungwan is worth it.
*
“Let me get the food and we’ll settle in, okay?”
Momo’s running to the front door without even waiting for Seungwan’s answer, too eager to get her (free) supper. She didn’t ask for a treat in exchange for coming home to have a heart-to-heart talk but no one in their right mind turns down free food. Seungwan has been eating so little the past few days that it has become a cause for concern but it was also her idea to order both stew and braised pig trotters…
“Thank you for the food, Unnie!”
Seungwan’s still cozily wrapped up in her duvet, bringing the comforter with her as she moved from her bedroom to the living room. The significant difference is the smile on her face whilst she watches Momo eat to her heart’s delight.
“Eat some.” Momo quickly pushes a bowl towards Seungwan, glaring at the older woman when she’s about to deny. “You either eat or I’m leaving.”
Both women know it’s an empty threat but Seungwan complies nonetheless; take it as solid courage for what she’s about to say.
Throughout years of knowing and teaching alongside one another, Momo never once overstepped her boundaries and tried to stick her nose where it didn't belong. There were times Seungwan broke down in the privacy of her own room and came out with swollen eyes; or times where she was wailing in her sleep and Momo just slowly coaxed her back to sleep - not a single question was asked the following day. Instead, Momo just made her breakfast and pretended nothing happened the night before.
“You never questioned why I went on hiatus and stepped down as an idol…” Seungwan begins, putting down her spoon after barely two mouthfuls. “I’m thankful for that, but I also think I’m ready to talk about it.”
Glancing down at the older woman’s hands, Momo starts to worry when she sees how hard she’s clenching her fist.
“I… I was caught by Dispatch when I was dating… and they were going to release the pictures because my old company couldn’t afford to pay them off. I broke it off with her because I didn’t want her face blasted all over the news, but it didn’t go well… she eventually cut off contact with me and by the time I found the courage to reach out, she had already passed away due to a drug overdose.”
Momo’s jaw can’t seem to close as she listens, just shock after shock slamming all her expectations down. She merely assumed that Seungwan lost the passion for the stage and preferred to work from behind the scenes… how wrong she is.
“W-When did this happen, Unnie?”
Looking up at the ceiling, Seungwan’s teeth jam down onto her lower lip. She shed countless tears whilst reminiscing about that tragic, short-lived romance.
“Just before I joined our company.”
It makes sense because her album, though critically acclaimed and heavily recommended, was relatively overlooked because it didn’t come with much promotion or pushing. Coming from a small company makes a big difference almost always. Not long after that, her hiatus was announced for an indefinite period of time so people began to forget. It was certainly a relief for Seungwan, who endured the guilt of indirectly causing this.
“Is that why you stopped promoting as an idol? Because you feel guilty, Unnie?” Momo whimpers, her own eyes glistening with scalding tears.
Seungwan’s too busy trying to hold back her own tears to respond coherently but Momo guessed just as much; the woman is carrying so much baggage on her own.
“Come here.”
If anyone walks into the room right now, they’ll be so confused because why are both Momo and Seungwan sobbing equally hard? Or why is Momo the one clinging onto the much smaller woman like her life depends on it?
“I’ve never seen you cry like this my entire life, Hirai. What has gotten into you?” Seungwan teases, lifting her hand to pinch the dancer’s cheek. Her lingering sadness is slowly dissipating the longer she hears Momo wail beside her ears. “What if Sana walks in right now?”
“I’ll scream.”
The atmosphere dissolves into silence - not an awkward one this time - after a while, the two women just embracing each other after that heavy revelation. It feels like a boulder has just been lifted off her chest after keeping that secret deep within for so many years. Having a friend that can be trusted by her side is clearly more than what she expects. She couldn’t tell her new company what happened for obvious reasons, and she still hasn't forgiven herself but now with Momo knowing…
Maybe time will heal her slowly too.
“That’s why you’re at a loss with Joohyun.”
“Pardon?”
Momo sits up and looks at Seungwan with sympathy written all over her face. “That’s why you’ve been avoiding Joohyun. We still don't know the details because Joohyun didn’t really elaborate to Sana, but it’s obvious something happened.”
When Seungwan diverts her gaze, her answer is well received and understood. As long as there’s this psychological barrier standing firm on her shoulders, it’s difficult to say when she can move forward. Her feelings for Joohyun are undeniably developing at a steady pace, or even faster than expected.
“Don’t take this the wrong way, Unnie, but have you considered going for therapy to help you move past this?”
Seungwan fists the duvet in her hand; of course, she considered therapy years ago. “I don’t know, Momo. I don’t want to move past and act like nothing happened.”
“No one said you have to forget, Unnie. You’re never going to forget her or your relationship just because you’re talking to someone about how you feel and how you’re struggling…” Momo moves even closer to Seungwan, now sitting opposite her with their hands held. “I can honestly say that she’ll understand, wherever she is, that you had your reasons; you were just trying to protect her.”
Deep down inside of her heart, Seungwan can hear the tiny voice agreeing with Momo’s advice; she knows she needs help. She needed help back then; she still needs it now. Although there have been no potential partners the past few years, a good eighty percent of the reason is due to Seungwan not letting anyone get close enough to even attempt their shot. The only game changer between back then and now is none other than Bae Joohyun, who for some godforsaken reason, is transparently falling for her.
Miraculously, it’s not one-sided this time.
Momo can already tell a difference in Seungwan’s composure and her heart relaxes a little bit too. “Just think about it, okay? I'll always support the decisions you make, Unnie.”
“Thank you for being patient with me, Momo. It really means the world,” Seungwan’s voice cracks again, but her smile is so wide - it’s blinding.
“You’re always welcome, Unnie. I’ll even go to therapy with you if you do decide on it.”
Seungwan leans her head against the sofa, lost in thought while Momo makes them some tea in the kitchen. There’s so much to thank the younger woman for but where does she start or end? For being a good friend and being patient, or for being brutally honest about her needing therapy? It wasn’t much of a talk to begin with anyway; it was mostly Momo listening to her talk about her past, yet it seems like Seungwan’s head is so much clearer now. She is already mapping out a detailed plan of action at the back of her mind, ranging from her work duties to her love life - or lack thereof currently.
Momo looks at her phone, screen brightly lit with a few messages that stand out from the other redundant notifications.
text message from satang 🍭
i hope your talk is going fine :(
i also want to request for a voice message before our evaluation
is that okay?
Without hesitation, Momo presses the record button.
“I know your evaluation is in two days but I’ll send you one now too. You’re doing great, Sana. Your dreams are very important, but I truly hope you’re happy pursuing this. Life is too short to be unhappy. If I haven’t already said this or expressed it clearly, I’m very proud of you and anyone who knows you will be too. We come from another country and we’re bound to face harder times, but we stand up and keep moving. I’ll keep moving with you.”
Joohyun tries to ignore the (very) soft sniffles coming from the other bed but it proves futile in no time, because that same someone is trying to squeeze with her on her own bed. The blatant affection and casual touchiness still surprise Joohyun from time to time, but Sana has a way of making people comfortable around her. It’s a skill that Joohyun doesn’t possess.
“Why are you crying, Sana? Are you okay?”
“Momo sent me a voice message... she’s so sweet.” Sana mumbles against her back; you can almost see the pout just by her voice.
Turning to face the younger one, Joohyun pats her head gently like she would her own sister; it’s an easy remedy to stop them from crying. She can mope about her situation any other time, just not now. Every time Sana unintentionally shows how well she and Momo progress, Joohyun feels as if someone’s pressing hard on her chest. Clearly, Sana reads her better than she lets on because she says the exact words that Joohyun needs to hear before she loses her damn mind.
“She also sent me a text about Miss Son, so I’m going to tell you that things will look up from now on. Believe me, Unnie.”
“I hope so, Sana... I really like her.”
If Sana picks up on the slight voice crack, she doesn’t question. She lifts her hands and brings the older woman into her arms; if Joohyun can peacefully allow her to deal with her own issues in time, then Sana can do the same.
Hang in there just a little more, Unnie...
We’re almost there.
“Sana... Sana, wake up!”
Sana whines when she feels the bed shaking, her clothes being tugged on consistently. They only managed to fall asleep around four in the morning so honestly, not much sleep or rest in there. “Unnie, go bother someone else... I’m exhausted.” Without much thought, Sana stretches her hand out and pushes Joohyun square on the face.
“Miss Hirai’s here!”
Joohyun leans against the wall and watches nonchalantly with crossed arms as Sana jumps up from bed in double time, falling down flat onto the floor – if this is what it takes to wake the latter up, then Joohyun is going to take advantage of it. She scrambles up to the mirror on their joint desk, combing through that bedhead so hard it might all come out. This kind of aggression never comes out under any circumstances but... well. It’s both cute and absolutely embarrassing to be this head-over-heels over anyone but Sana somehow finds it in herself to look adorable doing so.
“Where is she?”
“How would I know?” Joohyun rolls her eyes, throwing her pillow at Sana. She grabs her phone from the dresser with shaky hands, unlocking it to reveal a message. “I only said that to wake you up because look…”
text message from miss son (loml)
hi joohyun
it’s been a while
i was wondering if we could talk tonight
i know your evaluation is in two days though, so let me know
“What did I tell you?” Sana shrieks in excitement, jumping up and down in front of the older trainee. “Things are already looking up and it’s not even noon yet!”
Joohyun presses her hands up to her eyes, emotion overwhelming her at the thought of having an honest conversation. She keeps wondering if she fucked up without even knowing, and Seungwan avoiding her is merely a result of it. Sleep is a luxury for trainees, yes, but it was unattainable for many days for Joohyun. Whenever she lies in bed, her head just fills itself with images of Seungwan walking away from her that night.
“Oh, Unnie…”
With one hand typing a quick reply to Seungwan, Sana rubs Joohyun’s head tenderly. Hopefully, things actually get a move on after their conversation tonight.
text message to miss son (loml)
hello miss son, sana here
she’ll see you tonight
she’s crying on my shoulder rn
Seungwan breathes in deeply and pockets her phone, there’s no turning back now; even if she wants to, Momo will probably kick her ass out of their apartment. She owes it to Joohyun anyway, especially after she basically confessed that she feels something for her. Tonight’s coaching session is going to be their last before their evaluation tomorrow so she was ready for Joohyun to postpone their conversation but… okay, this works too. She really wants Joohyun to do well and go into the top nine.
“Miss Son, you’re back!”
Despite the small group of trainees gathering in front of her, Seungwan’s mind is barely registering all the well-wishes; the one person she wants to hear from has yet to appear. It would be a lot worse if all she could feel is anxiety but another part of her feels ready; ready to open up and let go of the pain.
“We’ll begin the last round of consultations and preliminary tests once everyone arrives. In the meantime, you may rest or carry on practicing.”
While waiting for Momo and the other coaches to arrive, the trainees begin to separate and work on their own pieces, leaving Seungwan to her own antics. She walks towards her guitar sitting in the corner of the studio - most people don’t even know it belongs to her - and rests her hand on the metal casing. Ever since she joined this company, Seungwan never laid a finger on her beloved guitar; it was bought as a gift from her after all. It just didn’t feel right to keep playing after they broke up, much less after her tragic passing.
Momo is right though.
Sejeong was always understanding, always willing to compromise for the sake of her budding career… There's no reason why she would continue to hold this against her after her death.
Not minding the curious gazes from the trainees, Seungwan begins to unzip the casing. She’s being pulled to the instrument with an invisible force; one that’s not allowing her to resist. Retrieving the blue wave-designed guitar pick, she begins to strum a familiar tune. With her eyes closed and her heart in the right place after so many years, Seungwan looks up and prays that this heartfelt, written composition can be heard from high up above. Words never needed to be said between them; they get each other just like that.
Maybe… just maybe, Sejeong will get her again.
Sana and Joohyun make their way to the practice studio, walking alongside Momo all too innocently. They avoid talking to their coach excessively, but those two clearly have trouble looking at each other for too long because they blush so quickly. Their attention is soon diverted to the crowd, soft murmuring and whispers among each other.
“What’s going on?” Momo looks at the trainees standing outside the studio, all peeking into the room without attempting to enter. “Why aren’t you all practicing inside?”
“Miss Son’s playing the guitar!”
Joohyun, beyond any semblance of self-control, not-so-gently shoves her way through the gathering crowd so she can see what they’re talking about. She can already hear the vague strumming of a guitar and her stomach begins to feel strange, churning with every step she takes. From their very first meeting as coach and trainee, Seungwan didn’t even touch the organ standing in the corner of the recording studio. Whilst the other vocal coaches are open to using instruments to give trainees an idea of what the songs are supposed to sound like, Seungwan remained the exception.
Many firsts today, clearly.
The beautiful sound from the guitar is enough for everyone to stare in awe; such sweet-sounding music and yet so sorrowful that it’s desolating. The composition speaks volumes to Joohyun’s own heart, like warm hands forming a protective layer around the organ.
“Miss Son’s really good...” Sana mumbles, eyes fixated on the alluring woman. Momo blinks back hot tears with pride, tearing her gaze away from Seungwan seated in the middle of the room. “She’s amazing.”
Despite the tears beginning to roll down from the corner of her eyes, Seungwan can’t bring herself to stop now; she’s almost done with playing her own composition. After her first (and last, for now) album, Seungwan was debating whether to release this instrumental but decided not to eventually. Too many questions and too many reservations from the company staff at that point in time; it simply wasn’t viable. With the newfound support Seungwan has gained within a morning, however, she’s ready to express it. She’s ready to fight against the negative thoughts and grow stronger from it this time.
The next time Seungwan opens her eyes, Momo is standing beside her with teary eyes and a comforting hand on her back. “Hi, Unnie.” Seungwan brushes her tears away with her sleeves, bowing her head to hide her face reflexively. She was completely immersed in her emotions a while ago so now it’s just a bit embarrassing.
“That was amazing, Miss Son!” Sana praises enthusiastically, clapping her hands like a seal. She decides that maybe she’ll do the reactions for both of them, since Joohyun is still standing there like an idiot. “You play the guitar so well.”
Trying her best to ignore the looks from so many trainees, Seungwan directs her gaze at the one person she wants to see the most. She glances at Sana politely beforehand though. “Thank you very much, Sana.”
It doesn’t take that long before everyone arrives at the studio, effectively splitting the trainees into different groups with their coaches – their last day of getting good advice before the elimination tomorrow. Much to Seungwan’s relief (and Momo’s delight), Joohyun and Sana are both placed in the same group. She’s determined to get the ball rolling this time; Joohyun is not going to slip between her fingers again. If Joohyun can find it in her heart to forgive her and give her a second chance, then you best be sure Seungwan’s going to cherish it with her heart.
Joohyun can’t explain it but watching Seungwan play the guitar so sorrowfully makes her feel so... down. The way she was shedding tears and taking several deep breaths whilst playing; Seungwan was definitely playing that song for someone. Maybe she wants to meet her tonight to make things clear, to officially reject her.
“Why are you daydreaming instead of working?”
“Miss Son!” Joohyun screeches as she leaps to her feet, hand on her chest to calm her racing heart. “Why would you sneak up on me like that?”
Seungwan raises her hands in surrender and takes the seat opposite Joohyun, gesturing for her to sit down as well. “I actually called your name because you’re the third from the last I have to check in on but you didn’t respond so I figured I’d get your attention some other way.”
Joohyun timidly pushes her notebook towards Seungwan’s awaiting hands, playing with her own fingers below the table. Sure, she wrote the lyrics and the tune with the latter in mind but it doesn’t mean she wants her to catch on so quickly. She takes the time to observe Seungwan’s features after not seeing each other for almost two weeks, throat tightening when she sees her sunken cheeks. Not only that, the jacket that Seungwan’s currently wearing used to fit her frame relatively well but the sleeves are now a bit looser than before. The cherry on top of it all is the obvious eyebags that unfortunately, cannot be fully covered by make-up.
It’s clear that Joohyun wasn’t the only one having a difficult time.
“The lyrics... they’re a bit repetitive but it emphasizes the meaning of it, so I think it’s a good point to note. Another thing is, you don’t have to let me know what genre it is. If you’re confident and you’re comfortable, then do it your own way. I’ll be expecting great things from you tomorrow. There’ll be quite a few people before you but don’t let that distract you, be yourself.”
“T-Thank you, Miss Son.”
In that moment, both Seungwan and Joohyun look up from the notebook, time arriving to a standstill as their surroundings continue to move past whilst they’re stuck staring at each other. Seungwan, for the first time since they’ve met, realises what exactly is awaiting her once she’s ready to pursue her own happiness. The emptiness she was feeling for the past two weeks wasn’t her guilt towards Sejeong at all; it was a void that could only be filled by Joohyun herself. Coming into her dreams and constantly being reminded that she walked away first; it was a torturous period.
“U-Um... I’ll see you tonight then?”
Joohyun finally blinks, gaze fluttering between Seungwan’s eyes and her book. “Of course... should we meet at the same place? Or do you want somewhere more private?”
Seungwan’s eyebrows wriggle suggestively, leaning even closer. “Somewhere more private?”
“THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT!”
Shielding her ears with her palms, Seungwan merely laughs it off and apologizes half-heartedly, still amused at how red Joohyun looks. Who would have thought hearing such a deafening screech could sound this blissful? She writes a short note on one of her handy post-it stacks, her lips curling at the sight of her own memo.
“See you later, cutie.”
Joohyun waits till Seungwan is finally out of her sight before slumping into the chair, leaning against the backrest whilst facing the ceiling. What the hell has gotten into that woman? Not that she’s complaining by any means but... cutie?! If this is beginning before their conversation tonight, then Joohyun won’t even survive.
Usual place, 8pm?
Don’t worry about your outerwear
i’ve already prepared a spare sweater for you 😊
“Don’t overthink this, Joohyun. You’re going to be okay.” Momo advises kindly, looking at the trainee seating in the backseat quietly. She offered to give both of them a ride since it’s on their way – and to also make sure Seungwan keeps to her word about talking tonight. “I’ll bring Sana back to your dorm and get her to text you once she’s there.”
Joohyun’s only been in the car for five minutes and her nerves are already messing with her, plus Sana’s literally buzzing in her seat at the idea of them finally getting their heads out of their asses. She really regrets talking about the sweater thing because now Sana AND Momo are aware of it, and simply won’t let go.
“Wish me luck.”
“Good luck, Unnie!” Sana giggles, throwing her arms around Joohyun without prior warning. “Go get your woman!” She even receives a pinch on her cheek for being so noisy but nevertheless, Joohyun thanks her with a soft smile.
The convenience store looks quite empty today, as if they already knew Seungwan and Joohyun were coming here for a talk. Unbeknownst to Seungwan who’s sitting at their favourite table with some food laid out, Joohyun is only a few steps away from her. Can anyone blame her for being nervous though? Two weeks have been long enough but seeing Seungwan this enthusiastic and flirtatious around her throws her off guard; not to mention the performance she witnessed for herself this morning... so many questions, so many speculations in mind.
“You came.” Seungwan stands up so quickly that a bit of light-headedness steps in, but she pushes that aside when Joohyun offers her a sincere smile. Joohyun places a hand on Seungwan’s arm and gives it a squeeze, “Of course, I did. You reached out to me and took the initiative; it takes a lot of courage.”
God, how can you be so forgiving?
Seungwan doesn’t say anything though, instead holding out her favourite sweater to Joohyun. “I brought this for you. Considering you have a habit of stealing my sweaters, I figured this wouldn’t be a surprise.”
Joohyun isn’t that hungry but she chooses to busy herself with taking out some food for both of them, seeing as Seungwan doesn’t seem to be ready to start the topic off. She refuses to start another conversation though, for fear of being side-tracked and completely derailing off their main purpose here. The suffocating silence continues to build till Seungwan herself has had enough, and reaches to hold Joohyun’s wrist. As calmly as possible, she excuses herself back to the store and returns holding a bottle of soju. Liquid courage goes a long way, apparently; Momo was right about that.
“Whatever I’m about to say... is a part of my past, and I just want you to understand why I am the way I am... and why I left without giving you a chance to say anything that night.”
Every detail Seungwan told Momo the night before; she tells it the exact same way without leaving out any detail. The more she speaks and explains, the less suffocated she feels. Joohyun clearly goes through the seventh circle of hell trying to sit through the revelation, her heart rate speeding up and then slowing down in correspondence with the story. Several lightbulbs appear atop her head when she makes sense of Seungwan’s hot and cold actions with her; the constant push-pull that didn’t make sense to anyone at all.
“I... I didn’t know how to deal with it when you were starting to show interest too so I unintentionally confused you by being friendly in one moment, and cold the next.” Seungwan whispers, her hands visibly trembling atop the table. She’s about to retract and hide them but Joohyun suddenly grabs them, interlacing their fingers on one hand and simply holding the other. “Momo suggested... I go to therapy once I’m ready and I agree now. I need to start somewhere.”
“It’s... It’s a lot to take in.”
Seungwan wishes she can hide how crestfallen she looks, but Joohyun’s words don’t seem positive at all. She attempts to break their handholding but is once again, stopped by Joohyun with a frown.
“I think Miss Hirai is wise... she’s right when she says that your actions have their reasoning; everyone will understand eventually, wherever they might be. You wanted to protect her to the very end, it just didn’t turn out the way you hoped.” Joohyun says softly, thinking about her phrasing with caution. “I like you; I’ll admit... but I also want you to begin loving yourself again. Take your time to go for therapy, to let go of the pain... and I’ll be right here waiting for you.”
With every word Joohyun struggles to say, she feels a sharp knife being driven into her own heart. She knows well enough that Seungwan isn’t emotionally or mentally ready for a relationship; not yet, at least. Seungwan’s unexpected confession only serves as something that needed to be said to relieve the pressure on herself, not as a romantic gesture. Despite being confident enough to give the latter a good amount of care and love, Seungwan needs to stand on her own two feet again. Only then can she love recklessly and with everything she’s got, the same way Joohyun will.
Standing up from her seat, Joohyun moves to hug Seungwan; the woman having gone silent and her face buried into her palms. She tightens her hold when she feels the Seungwan begin to shake. “You made one mistake, but it doesn’t mean you spend the rest of your life paying for it. The only people who should pay... are the reporters and the company. I know Miss Sejeong will agree with me.”
Seungwan can’t thank God enough for being kind to her. From giving her friendships that can withstand the test of the industry or time to bringing her someone like Bae Joohyun. She never planned to get into a serious relationship – yes, even though she’s only in her twenties – because of all that emotional baggage, till Joohyun came along like a breath of fresh air.
From being an eyesore to the only woman in her eyes, it’s all too funny.
“I don’t want you to miss out on anyone who deserves you more.” Seungwan’s lips say so, but she doesn’t realise that her shaky hands are holding tightly to Joohyun’s arms around her.
Joohyun can’t stop herself from leaning down to plant a kiss on Seungwan’s head and she goes for it, “Well, I like you, not anyone else.”
Unwrapping Joohyun’s arms around her, Seungwan stands face to face with the latter and pulls up Joohyun’s mask properly so it hides half her face. She leans in and presses her forehead against the trainee’s breathlessly; her words won’t come out properly or logically but her actions will at least be an indication of her feelings – all her energy was exhausted by the heavy but truthful confession on her part. It’s crazy to think that someone is capable of liking her this much, enough to wait till she’s ready to love without inhibitions again.
Once upon a time, this whole scenario was impossible.
“I know I’m confusing, telling you that you deserve better but a part of me wants you to wait for me... as selfish as that sounds.” Seungwan whispers, her vision blurring at the hot tears gathering again. “I just... I like you so much and I’m so afraid something’s going happen to you too.”
Joohyun’s palms are so sweaty but she raises them up and cups Seungwan’s cheeks anyway; she needs Seungwan to listen. “You have no idea how happy I am to hear that. It hasn’t been that long since we met but these few months with you – no matter how turbulent – is enough for me to know. Bickering is also something I look forward to, because I get to see you.”
“But...”
“If I genuinely can’t wait for you, I will be honest and upfront. I’m not going to be a coward and leave you hanging because it’s not right. Similarly, if you’re still not ready... it’s okay. I just hope you won’t force me to stop liking you because I don’t think I can.”
The last line is accompanied by the softest of voice cracks which Seungwan picks up thanks to her sharp hearing and she brings the woman into a full embrace. She might not feel worthy of Joohyun, but she will be.
“Thank you...”
For making me feel whole again.