Chapter Text
Still panting after rushing into the safe house, Rei realized he knew what he wanted. It was strange. For the first twenty-six years of his life, he’d never let himself think about wanting anything. He’d simply known what he was required to do: grow strong, choke down pain, support the organization he would one day inherit, discard all other attachments. But when he saw Miri peacefully passed out on the couch and the panicked rush of blood in his ears subsided, those obligations suddenly felt meaningless. He had done what was expected of him. He had killed on command. He had spurned attachments and gone back to the cavernous Suwa mansion, even though each time he walked through its gates he was filled with animal fear. He’d thought that if he did so, at least Miri and Kazuki could escape, but the organization had not been satisfied. Not content to devour Rei, the Boss intended to claim them too.
Rei wouldn’t let that happen. He’d already known that he would give up his life for Miri and Kazuki. That was the deal he’d made with himself when we went back to the mansion. However, standing before the Boss in his dim, musty office that day, Rei had realized that he couldn’t save his family by pushing them away. Knowing that Miri and Kazuki were in danger had filled him with cold horror. But now they were here in the safe house. Miri was unharmed. Kazuki was gritting his teeth and trying to ignore a bullet wound, but it wasn’t life-threatening at least. They were alive and together. That was what Rei wanted. To be with their family. To keep Miri safe. To care for her. To see her smile. Since he couldn’t protect her by leaving, he dared to hope he could do it if he stayed.
When the two hitmen were alone on the balcony, Kazuki talked about putting Miri in an orphanage far away, getting out of her life so she could be safe without them. Rei grimaced. That wasn’t enough. They needed to do more. He desperately wanted to do more.
“What can you even do,” Kazuki laughed sadly.
“I couldn’t do anything before,” Rei droned back. “I didn’t even try. But….” His voice took on some warmth as he talked about what he had learned from Miri and Kazuki and how he wanted to do right by the girl.
“Stop it!” shouted Kazuki.
Rei could see the hopelessness and frustration building in Kazuki’s face, but he kept talking. With a sudden exclamation, the blond man reached out, grabbed Rei’s lapel, and yanked him towards him. Rei knew how to disengage and fight back. He’d been trained since childhood until it was muscle memory, practically instinct, to destroy anyone who laid hands on him. But this was Kazuki and, like always, all of Rei’s usual responses short-circuited and he allowed himself to be reeled in. And so he found himself standing inches from his roommate, work partner, and co-parent, their bodies connected by Kazuki’s grip on his suit. He could feel the tension in Kazuki’s body and hear his breath, close and ragged. And Rei realized with sudden clarity that there was something else he wanted. Looking up at the other man, unflinching and otherwise still, Rei raised his left hand and deliberately clasped it around Kazuki’s.
For Rei, at least, it was electric. He had long come to tolerate and even welcome contact from Kazuki and Miri. He quietly treasured that the little girl sought him out to snuggle and fell asleep so easily in his arms. He’d gotten used to scooping her up to carry her or just hug her, and while he still sometimes marveled at the fact that it seemed to make her so happy, it had begun to feel normal and right. As for Kazuki, the man was forever in Rei’s space, dragging him around, playfully smacking him, wrangling him into bed to sleep next to him and their daughter. Rei went along with it. Secretly, he found it comforting to be reminded of Kazuki’s exuberant presence. But, except in combat, Rei had never reached out to touch another adult person. It was all-consuming, his assassin’s focus on the small area where their skin touched. The feeling of his fingers gently cradling Kazuki’s fist, maintaining their connection, seemed like the only thing in the world. He never wanted to go back.
Their hands were right over Rei’s heart. As he urged his partner to fight for their family, Rei was sure Kazuki could feel it throbbing in his chest. Rei’s face remained solemn, but he could hear his own voice rising as he implored the other man to listen and understand. “Think, Kazuki!”
*
“Think, Kazuki!”
Kazuki blinked in shock, and found that he could not think.
Suwa Rei, the dingy, silent, inscrutable man he’d seen slouching by Kyu-chan’s bar years ago. The human weapon who could kill five men in cold blood before Kazuki could even catch up. The mafia heir who had always said, stony-faced, that he had no choice but to go back someday and take charge of the family business. Rei, who had watched over Miri when she was sick and cheered for her at her field day and was learning to cook French toast for their family, was holding his hand and calling his name as if his life depended on it.
Scattered memories flashed through his mind. The sound of the bell on the door to the bar. The smells of smoke and sweat and dried blood and shampoo. The grin on Miri’s face as she leapt at her Rei Papa and he caught her gently. The feeling like the earth opened under him when Rei tossed him his cigarette lighter and walked away. Oh, he thought dumbly. All this time. Rei’s fingers were dry like paper but warm in the cool night air. Kazuki’s fist softened, but he didn’t let go. His mind raced, groping for words he seemed to have forgotten.
Inside on the sofa, Miri stirred. Without hesitation, the two men dropped their hands and went in to her.
*
A real family. Rei was sure they had both meant the same thing when they agreed to it. Probably. He was sure they had both felt it when he took Kazuki’s hand to help him up from the floor of the mansion kitchen, and when they staggered into Miri’s Christmas concert, arm in arm, each supporting the other. He was sure it lay under the tenderness with which Kazuki handled his injured arm when he helped him change his shirts and touched different places on his right hand to see what he could feel. He was sure it was why Kazuki had brought Rei home from surgery and installed him in his—Kazuki’s—bed, because it was bigger and he could stay with him in case he needed anything. Rei had woken up the next morning to find Kazuki on the bed next to him, asleep sitting up, as if he’d held vigil until he passed out.
Rei was sure he expressed it when he quietly thanked Kazuki for bringing him fresh water each time he had to take more pills and let their hands brush as he accepted the glass. Almost sure.
*
A real family. Kazuki had no doubt that was what they were. Rei had chosen Miri and him and had given so much to protect them. And Kazuki had chosen them, of course, and could now only hope to deserve them.
Kazuki had explained to Miri that Rei Papa got hurt at work. They would need to take extra care of him, he said, and he might not be able to play video games for a while, but what was important was that they were together.
Rei had explained to Miri about her mama. Kazuki hadn’t known how to do it without lying, and that didn’t feel right. Rei had told her a version of the truth, simple and direct but as gentle as it could be: Miri’s mama had gotten sick and they wouldn’t be able to see her anymore, but she loved Miri very much. Their daughter only kind of understood, he knew, but she buried her face in Rei’s chest and cried as he rubbed her back. Kazuki had cried too, quietly, as he wrapped them both in a hug.
When Rei’s bandages came off, his right hand was still mostly numb. Kazuki continued to sleep next to him, just to keep an eye on him, he said. Sometimes Miri joined them and she and Rei passed out as Kazuki struggled to sleep with her knees or elbows digging into him. More often, she slept in her own room and Kazuki nodded off listening to his partner’s rhythmic breathing inches away.
Rei was beautiful when he slept, Kazuki thought to himself one night. Awake too, in his way. But when Rei was awake he was so many other things too. Sweet to Miri, surly to Kazuki. Frustrated, sometimes, when his injured arm limited him, but determined and still so physically strong. Kazuki had fondly watched Rei furrow his brows as he relearned how to make French toast left-handed, and had noticed that the dark shadows under his partner’s eyes were slowly fading. When he slept, Rei’s face was smooth and peaceful. Kazuki looked at him in the dark and wanted nothing more than to wrap himself around him and hold tight. Maybe that would be okay. It would hardly be different from things they’d done before. They were close. They were partners, family. But not quite like that. He’d dragged Rei through so many changes. He didn’t know if Rei wanted things to change again.
Rei shifted in his sleep. Kazuki turned away and shut his eyes, unsure if he should feel so guilty.
*
“Kazuki.”
Hearing Rei call from the bathroom, Kazuki dropped his dinner preparations and hurried in.
“What’s going on? Are you okay?”
“Mm.”
“Oh good, I was afraid you were drowning or something.”
Rei looked up at him quizzically from the bath. “How would I call you if I was drowning?”
“Fine, fine,” Kazuki chuckled. “What do you need?”
“Don’t need anything,” Rei said quietly. “But will you help me wash my hair?”
“You told me when you first got home you wanted to be able to do that yourself.”
“I can do it. But it’s slow with one hand. And I’m tired tonight, and—” Rei stopped.
“And?”
“And I liked it when you did it. Before.”
“Oh.” Kazuki’s eyes went wide for a moment before his face softened. “O-of course, man.”
He sat down on the rim of the tub behind Rei, poured out some shampoo, and began to work it through his partner’s wet hair. Rei briefly tensed when he first touched him, then leaned back against the wall of the tub.
“I’m sorry, was that cold?”
“Nn.”
Kazuki looked down at Rei as he ran his fingers through his hair. It was shorter than it had been the first time he touched it, years ago, but longer than it had been since then. The sides were starting to get shaggy. Since leaving the organization, Rei had refused his offer of a trim, saying he wanted to grow it all out. Rei’s eyes were closed, and his face was still and slightly pink from the warm water. The scars on his upper body were familiar to Kazuki now—the crisscross of old wounds joined by fresh, jagged starbursts on the front and back of his right upper arm. Kazuki tried to keep his eyes from wandering lower. He moved his hands slowly, feeling his cheeks flush. They’d done this before, he reminded himself. It was nothing new.
“Tilt your head back into the water and keep your eyes closed,” he said at last. Rei silently obliged. His hair spread through the water in a dark halo as Kazuki rinsed the suds out of it.
“Conditioner next.” Kazuki reached for the bottle. Rei didn’t open his eyes as he settled back against the wall of the tub. He sighed softly as his partner again began to run his hands through his hair. The tiny sound sent a spark through Kazuki’s brain, and he paused for a moment to collect himself. Rei’s eyes blinked open and he leaned back further to look up at him with a quiet “Hm?”
“Ah, sorry, I got distracted for a moment.”
“Mn.” Rei looked up at him seriously. “Feels nice, thank you. You can stop if you want to.”
“Do you want me to stop?”
“No.”
So Kazuki ran his hands through the dark hair a few more times, making sure it was smooth and untangled. “Lean back again,” he said after a minute. It was barely above a whisper. Rei closed his eyes and obeyed. When he resurfaced, he turned to look at his partner.
“Kazuki.” The name came out in a gravelly murmur. Kazuki felt light-headed.
“Man, when you say my name like that—” he faltered.
Rei stared at him. “Kazuki,” he said again, quietly, practically purring. The blond man’s breath caught and his eyes widened. Rei raised his eyebrows ever so slightly, inhaled, then spoke.
“Our family is the most important thing in my life. If what I’m about to say might cause trouble for us as a family, I need to you forget I said it. But I want to tell you at least once: I love you.”
“Dude, I—”
“‘Dude’? Ugh, never mind,” Rei growled. “Forget I said anything.” He began to turn away, crossing his left arm over his scarred chest.
“No, wait! I’m sorry, I’m an idiot, force of habit. Rei.” Kazuki slid down to kneel on the floor by the tub, placed a tentative hand on his partner’s cheek, and turned his face back towards him. “Rei, I love you too.” He looked his partner in the eye for a breathless moment, then leaned in and kissed him.
Rei didn’t move at all at first, other than to close his eyes. But as Kazuki’s mouth lingered on his, his lips softened and parted slightly and he kissed him back. Kazuki broke away after a bit and looked at him. Rei opened his eyes, smiling slightly, his cheeks flushed. Kazuki grinned.
“You know, I only realized it recently, but I think I’ve loved you for a long time.”
“Hm?”
“Since we first met. Maybe.” Kazuki looked sheepish.
“Oh wow, that’s even longer than me,” Rei deadpanned. “I thought you were an idiot when we first met.”
“Hey!”
“Now I think you’re and idiot and I love you.” Rei offered another tiny smile.
Kazuki sniffed indignantly, but curiosity overcame his show of pique. “When did it change?”
“Well, same as you, it took me a long time to realize, but—” Rei blushed and looked for a moment like he was thinking about disappearing into the depths of the tub. When he spoke, it was in a low mutter.
“First time you washed my hair.”
Kazuki let out a gleeful laugh and kissed Rei again. He was sighing against his partner’s lips with one hand entwined in his wet hair when the bathroom door flew open.
“PAPAS!”
The two men sprang apart. Rei sank into the tub up to his eyes. Kazuki squawked and nearly fell backwards on the bathroom floor.
“Miri, sweetie, remember to knock when people are in the bathroom,” he stammered.
“Kazu Papa, you stopped making dinner. When are we going to eat?”
“Ah, yeah,” he tittered guiltily. “It’s just, Rei Papa needed some help washing his hair, so I came to help him quickly. But we’re all done now, so we’ll be right out!”
“Papas, you’re acting weird,” their daughter scolded. “Kazu Papa, hurry up and come cook so we can eat dinner together. And Rei Papa, hurry up and come watch me play games.” And with a childish harrumph, she turned and flounced out.
“Right away, Miri-chan!” Kazuki called after her. Rei surfaced enough to mutter in agreement.
Kazuki turned back to Rei. He smiled at him fondly. Then he leaned in and kissed him three times. Once on his forehead. Once on his lips. And once, feather-light and very slow, where his neck met his shoulder. Rei gasped.
“We’ll continue this later,” said Kazuki. He walked out, pausing to wink back at his partner, who was blushing bright red.