Chapter Text
Eve had been in bed for what felt like days not hours. She couldn’t sleep. She lay on her back. Hands behind her head as she stared above her. In the dark she pictured the crack that radiated from the ceiling light and looked like an angry cat’s ear.
She huffed a sigh and turned onto her side to check the time once again – 2.30am. She had at least another four hours before she had to get up. Five if she wasn’t woken by Slater Breakfast Mayhem. Her body was tired. Her mind however was running like a greyhound on amphetamines. She had been circuiting her and Suki’s relationship from beginning to end since the moment she had laid her head on the pillow at about midnight. Analysing every conversation. Every look. Every touch. All to death. And now she had a headache. She checked her bedside cabinet for paracetamol but found only an empty box.
Sitting up and swinging her legs off the edge of her bed, she pulled on her blue hoodie and pushed her feet into her slippers – essential in a house with small people - at the same time. Quietly, she crept along the landing. Avoiding the two squeaky floorboards outside Hope and Arthurs room. As she tiptoed down the stairs, she thought she saw a shadow pass by the front door window. She paused on the staircase and waited for a few moments. She shook her head at herself when after a few seconds she saw nothing else. ‘Probably just someone on their way home after a big night’ She thought to herself as she continued down the stairs and made her way into the kitchen.
Checking the kettle for water, she put it down and flicked the switch. As the elements in the jug sputtered to life, she grabbed a mug off the drainer and placed a teabag in it. She was about to open the fridge when there was a faint tapping on the backdoor window. Faint enough that she almost missed it. But as she turned, she saw a familiar shape in shadow at the door. Suki.
Suki tapped lightly on the window once again and Eve moved across the kitchen to open the door. As soon as the door was opened wide enough Suki rushed in. Eve closed the door. “What are you doing here?” she whispered urgently. Walking across the kitchen to shut the door to the hallway. She did not need the whole house disturbing.
“I needed to see you.” Suki said as though that was enough to explain her appearance at two-thirty in the morning.
Eve’s jaw dropped a little. Such was the incongruity of the statement and the hour. “You couldn’t have waited until morning?” She asked with an air of sarcasm.
“You’re avoiding me – I couldn’t wait any longer – I was going to ring your phone. But I saw the light come on in the kitchen.” Suki said quietly.
“It could have been anyone.” Eve stated. Thinking of how many adults there were living in the one house. “What if it had been Jean or Alfie...Hmm...How would you have explained your being here in the middle of the night.”
Suki moved away from the back door. Closing the distance between them by half. “I don’t care. I just want us to talk...You cancelled on me last night. And I have so much that I need to say. So much to put right.”
Eve straightened up but her head was cast downwards as she spoke. “You need to leave. Before Nish realises you’ve gone -If he hasn’t already. This is madness Suki.” She looked up then and looked seriously at Suki as she continued. “Go - now. Please.” She was worried of the repercussions Suki would face if Nish knew she had left the house.
Suki moved fractionally closer. She could tell that Eve was afraid for her. But she was more afraid to lose Eve and she could not wait any longer to say her piece. The last few days had been torment. “He sleeps like the dead...If he notices I’ll just say the alarm at the shop was going off...Right now, the most important thing is us.”
Eve recognised the no-nonsense tone, even as Suki continued to speak very quietly. Knowing the sooner she let Suki speak, the sooner she would get back home – hopefully undetected. She gave in. “Tea?” She asked as the kettle finished boiling.
“Yes please.” Suki replied. Relief at being allowed to stay evident in her voice. She removed her blue woollen coat and took a seat at the table.
Eve tried to gather herself as she made two cups of tea with her back to Suki. She had forgotten her need for paracetamol for the moment. Despite her head still pounding. When she turned towards the table, she almost dropped the cups. Somehow, she had not thought that Suki would be wearing nightwear under her coat. Even given the hour. The sight of Suki sitting in her satin dressing gown with her curly hair tied up in a very messy bun was as unsettling as it was arousing. The juxtaposition of her in the Slater kitchen in the wee hours, took her completely by surprise. “Ah...Err...Tea.” She stuttered as she placed the mugs on the table.
Suki gave a small smile of thanks and pulled one of the mugs towards her. She cupped her hands close to the steaming orange and white pottery. Close enough to feel comforted by the warmth but not close enough to burn. She waited for Eve to take a seat before she started to speak...
*****
“We’re going to fix this.” Suki said. A statement of intent. Her and Eve had not broken beyond repair. She was not going to allow that. She had spent months making deliberate attempts to push the woman away. Tried for months to protect her. But each time, Eve had returned to her. Again, and again. Until Suki was no longer able to deny her feelings and their relationship had begun properly.
“How?” Asked Eve. Even in a quiet tone, her voice was accusatory. “You are still sleeping with Nish. And you don’t love me.” She crossed her arms defensively. “Oh! And I’ll only ever be your bit on the side because even if you did love me – you won’t leave your controlling, narcissistic husband because he’s the one thing I’ll never be – A man.”
Suki was taken aback. Eve never spoke to her like this. So devoid of any warmth. Even in the early days when on the surface they had each despised what the other stood for. Even then, there had still been an underlying frisson of ‘something’ that kept the two of them verbally sparring. Now Eve just seemed despondent. Defeated. ‘How have I let this to happen?’ She thought to herself as she took a fortifying sip of her tea.
Without warning, Suki stood up and walked to Eve’s side of the table. She pulled the chair next to Eve away from the table so that she could face her – or face her profile as she was now. She rested an arm on the table. And with the other, she reached out and placed her hand onto Eve’s folded arms. She took Eve not shucking her off as a good sign. She decided to approach this the only way she knew how. As a negotiation. Failure was not an option. Because Eve was far more important than any contract she had ever pitched for. “You, are the best thing that has ever happened to me.”
Eve made a scoffing noise. “Excuse me if I don’t believe you – you pledged yourself to me once last year too. Remember?” She did not wait for an answer. “Being with me had changed you – and then a few hours later I was just an experiment that had left you cold and you felt nothing for me.”
Suki could feel the hurt radiating from Eve. Hurt that she had caused over and over because the stubborn woman had not just taken her at her word and let her go. “Eve, look at me please.” It took a few seconds, but then Eve moved in her chair to face Suki. Their knees knocked against each other. Suki gently pulled at Eve’s folded arms. Feeling no resistance, she pulled one into her lap and took her hand.
Lifting Eve’s chin with her finger, so that they were at eye level again Suki spoke. “You don’t know whether you’re coming or going with me most of the time.” A statement. “Do you?” she asked gently.
“It’s my fault. I should have just taken what you said at face value.” Eve said.
“Don’t you dare blame yourself...This is on me...I pushed you away to protect you...But I knew you loved me and would always come back to me...And I love you...so I was always relieved when you did...It made me feel cared for” Suki stroked the side of Eve’s face. She smiled softly as her love leaned into the touch – until she realised what she was doing and moved away from Suki’s hand.
Dropping her hand, Suki pulled in a deep breath. Then exhaled slowly. Centring herself. “This time you didn’t come back, and it’s been hell on earth...It’s made me see how much I take you and your love for granted.” She squeezed Eve’s hand that she still held in her lap. “And the fact that everything is on my terms...Even in Leeds I behave in public like we’re just friends – I know you’ve noticed me pull away – I've seen the hurt in your eyes. But even then, I haven’t changed my behaviour. I’ve been selfish. And I wish I could say that it’s not been intentional...But it has...Because I knew you’d give me a free pass rather than bring it up and spoil the little time we have together.”
Suki could feel tears starting to well in her eyes and when she gazed into Eve’s she saw the same reflected back at her. She was wrong - This was not a negotiation - This was her about to plead like her life depended on it. She had been lucky until now that Eve’s love for her meant that she had taken her back after the wedding blessing. Without question because she was so pleased that Suki wanted her. And she had accepted the role of ‘bit on the side’ because anything was better than nothing. Suki had exploited Eve's love and her protective and caring nature. Instead of appreciating that this spectacular woman had given her a second, third chance. And now she was begging for what – a fourth?
Eve gasped as Suki placed a lingering kiss on the back of her hand. “I can and do apologise unreservedly for my past behaviour, but I can’t change it.” Suki paused. She reached for her long-forgotten cup of now cold tea and took a small sip. Just enough to wet her dry mouth. Eve snorted softly at the face Suki made. She normally took her tea while it was still at the scorching stage. It probably explained how she was able to breath fire at so many people. “I am sorry. For all the things I’ve done to hurt you. But please...please will you let me try to put right this latest falling out?” Realising that this could be construed as a selfish request she stopped herself and amended - “If you really are done with us. With me. Then I will go now, and I promise I will respect your decision and leave you alone.”
Eve shook her head slowly. “My head says I let you go and not look back – not least of all because your husband will kill me if he finds out about us...But I knew he was a psycho under all that tightly controlled ‘charm’ when we got together...I should never have got involved with a ‘straight’ woman – married or not – but especially not one who is still sleeping with her husband...And I should never have allowed myself to fall in love with someone – gay or straight – who’ll never be free or brave enough to love me back.” A heavy tear rolled down Eve’s cheek. Suki lifted her hand to wipe it away.
As Suki was wiping away her own tears, Eve began to speak again after clearing the frog from her throat. “My heart on the other hand...says to at least hear you out first.”
Suki let out the biggest sigh of relief and smiled in gratitude at Eve. “Thank-you” she said quietly. Relieved that Eve’s generous nature had earned her a reprieve to speak.
“I am worried about what Nish will do if he finds out about us because we both know what he’s capable of when he’s consumed with jealousy...That worry never leaves me.” She squeezed Eve’s hand. The touch conveying her fear. Eve squeezing back and her small straight lipped smile encouraged her to continue. “I am not straight...But I am married. And I can’t just pack a bag and leave him to be with you – However much I want to – Which is more than anything.” Eve’s smile turned hopeful, and Suki could see some of the uncertainty that had been in her eyes had gone away. She squeezed Eve’s hand again because she found the action grounded her and kept what she needed to say at the forefront of her mind. When she noticed Eve wince though, she smiled sheepishly and loosened her grip. “Sorry” She apologised through a soft chuckle.
“Until a couple of days ago, I wasn’t brave enough to tell you I love you...Even when I saw how crushed you were when I didn’t say it back...The best I could do was that back to front text message...But I do...I love You Eve...I. Love. You.” She paused to allow her statement to sink in. “Until now, I wasn’t brave enough to say, ‘I’ll leave Nish.’...I am now...Because the fear of losing out on a full life with you is infinitely greater than what our neighbours and people in the community will think of me...It will take planning, because I am not going to risk you getting hurt – or worse. But I promise you – I am going to leave him.”
Eve’s breathing had quickened, and her smile was growing at Suki’s words. Suki wondered if it would still be there after she had spoken again. But as Eve deserved nothing but complete honesty, she had to broach the subject. “As for sleeping with Nish – he has not forced me – but that does not mean I want to. I’ve been doing it to stop him suspecting anything. Because last time, when he felt me pulling away, he murdered an innocent man...In my own way, I’ve been doing it to protect us.” She stopped to gage Eve’s reaction to her words. The smile had faded but she was still obviously listening. “I can’t sit here and promise that I won’t have to – on occasion – submit to his overtures. But I will promise you this – it will be as little as possible. I will make as many excuses as I can to put him off. I’m not going to tell you that I’ll be thinking about you, because I would never contaminate what we have between us, with anything I have to do with a man who makes my skin crawl...What we do, what we have between us is far too special.”
Eve took a deep breath and grinned. “You love me!” She leaned forward and placed a chaste kiss on Suki’s lips before leaning back and looking more solemn. “If he ever forces you to sleep with him – promise you’ll tell me?” Suki cupped Eve’s cheek as she promised she would.
“I want to leave him as soon as possible but I’ll need your help.” Suki implored.
“Anything you need...But we stay the right side of the law...Deal?” Eve replied as she took Suki’s other hand in hers.
Suki nodded her head. “Deal. I’m not risking us being spilt up at His Majesty’s Pleasure...If anyone goes to prison, it’ll be the little weasel I will not be shackled to for much longer.”
“We’ll need time together to come up with a plan and then it’s going to take time to implement whatever we come up with but... I’m all in if you are.” Eve said with a wide grin.
Suki moved to inches away from Eve’s lips. “Oh, I’m all in My Love.”
Eve closed the distance between them, and they kissed languorously. It was a kiss of reconnection, of love and of promise.
As they pulled apart, they rested their foreheads together. Suki’s hand had made its way into the short hair at the nape of Eve’s neck. She lightly dragged her nails across her skull. “You should go.” Eve said reluctantly. Loving the feel of Suki’s touch.
Suki sighed. She leaned back and looked at her watch. “I suppose I should.” She kissed Eve briefly. Her relief at having righted her wrongs was making her skin buzz – Or maybe that was just having Eve near her again. She stood up from her chair and reached to the other side of the table for her coat. She pulled her phone out of the coat pocket. She turned it to Eve - “No missed calls.”
Eve helped Suki on with her coat. “Let’s hope that means The Little Weasel has stayed asleep.” They smiled at each other as they acknowledged Nish’s new nickname.
“Will I see you tomorrow?” Suki asked as they walked towards the door. She opened it quietly.
“I’m pretty certain I’ll need change for the van or a packet of chewing gum.” Eve gave her trademark, lopsided smile. She placed one more peck to Suki’s kiss swollen lips. “I love you.”
Suki leaned in and kissed Eve gently on the cheek. Cupping the other side of her neck in her palm. “I love you - Remember that – Always.” She said before they reluctantly parted ways.
She walked back over the silent square to her house. She entered and shut the door quietly. After hanging her coat up, she made her way up the stairs to bed. She saw Nish, fast asleep and his back. Snoring at regular intervals. She felt relief flow through her as she slipped off her dressing gown and climbed into her side of the bed. Being careful not to disturb Nish. She sent a quick message from her phone. And then fell into a restful sleep for the remaining few hours of the night.
As she climbed into bed, Eve’s phone beeped. She opened the message and smiled. Her happiness radiating in the darkness.
Suki: Sweet dreams. I love you. X
Eve slept until she was roused by the Slater Breakfast Mayhem Alarm at 6.30am. She did however feel strangely well rested, considering she hadn’t returned to bed until 4am.
She stretched and smiled widely to herself. Suki Panesar loved her!