Chapter Text
“nat, please just-”
“no, no-lottie i'm not doing this shit!"
she turns away, but not before lottie grabs nat's wrist and pulls her bacm, "natalie."
"don't-" they start, shoulders dropping, "don't fucking do that. please, lot-just...just don't."
lottie sighs, "i'm worried about you. you woke up half the team at like three am, nat-you looked fucking petrified."
she feels nat loosen in her grip, can practically see the thoughts in their head, it's not like lottie wants to be having this conversation, she'd really like to just...not. it's not like she's ever been good at the feelings conversation-hell, normally natalie's one of the only people lottie can have a half decent feelings conversation with.
they're just as emotionally constipated as everyone else, yet it works. they don't lie to each other, they respect boundaries, and things have been really good. nat knows not to ask about the pills lottie takes quickly and quietly at every sleepover or the way her house is always empty, lottie knows not to ask about the flinches at loud bangs, or the scars that pepper nat's body. they talk about feelings when they need to, it may seem a little fucked but it works for them.
she's breaking an unspoken rule and it hurts, but she's genuinely afraid-not of natalie, but for her.
"you...you woke up screaming." they finally make eye contact, "just screaming, no words....van tried to grab you-they came running down the stairs, i think to hold onto you? you shoved them off, i didn't....i didn't know what to do-i'm sorry." she watches them swallow, hard. "you got up and it looked like you were going to take the gun. jackie yelled for travis and he came out before you grabbed it, van grabbed your wrists and forced you to sit down, then they just....sat there. you didn't look like you knew where you were."
"i did. i knew exactly where i was." natalie's eyes are blue, blue like the sky in the summer, the ocean during good swimming days, but right now they look like the blue of an ice shard, right before it pierces you.
"i was back in the fucking trailer park, watching my fucking dad-" they stop, and lottie lets her grip go slack, "nat...please. talk to me."
"why don't you talk to me?"
lottie blinks, stepping backwards, "what?"
natalie runs a hand through her hair, the ice hardening, "i mean-if it's unhinged for me to wake up screaming after all this shit-"
they gesture wildly around, while lottie interjects, "you've done it before we ended up here-"
“then it's sure as hell unhinged to smash your head into a window after speaking fucking french, lottie! i-i don't know what you think is wrong with me, but-but fucking check yourself first!"
"natalie!”
some part of lottie knows she doesn't actually mean it, and that it's a combination of anxiety and pent up anger that’s not aimed at her-it’s just coming out at her because she’s the only one who’ll confront nat (aside from van, but that’s always been different).
she’s worried about them, they’re worried about her. fuck, lottie's so worried about nat she can barley sit still when she and travis go out hunting.
and honestly she'd be lying to herself if she said she wasen't terrifed every passing day, she hates waking up and not knowing what's real or not, hates having to remember stupid coping mechanisms from years ago that don't fucking work, hate the way natalie and taissa look at her when she's staring into space, with worry and confusion. with pity. lottie hates it.
but nat's going to end up hurting themself, and even if nat ends up hating her for it, lottie is still going to keep trying to keep them safe.
"hey!" she stops them right before the entrance to the cabin, is vaguely aware that taissa and mari are now watching them intently, "you can't be a dick to me just because i give a shit about you, ok?”
natalie glares up at her, and lottie stares right back, “i'm not fucking going anywhere, so pull your head out of your ass and realize that i'm not trying to hurt you. i love you, you fucking idiot."
for a moment, lottie's worried nat's about to snap at her, insted she seems to deflate, like a predator after the pray slinks away, shrinking back into themself, and right as they start to rear up again and open up-
"TAISSA, NAT! PROBLEM-"
mari's voice comes screeching across the clearing, and for a second, lottie wants to slap her, right before she sees van-who's face is almost as red as their hair stumbling next to her, who's legs look like they're about to give out.
taissa's at van in an instant, natalie giving lottie a semi-apologetic look before they run over, lottie on her heels.
"mari what the fuck happened?" taissa looks three seconds away from grabbing mari and throwing her, but she's already grabbed van out of mari’s arms and is cradling them gently in her arms, and since travis is out with the shotgun, lottie thinks the worst thing that can happen is nat taking a swing at mari.
then she spots natalie’s face, sheer rage filling the blonde’s eyes, fingers twitching, and realizes just how bad natalie going at mari would be, lottie quickly grabs van’s legs, “inside. now.”
they put them on the same bed that they used when van was recovering from the wolf attack, and lottie gets a closer look at them.
van’s shirt is nearly soaking wet, yet their skin is dry and uncomfortably hot, even for lottie just laying a hand on them.
taissa removes her hand from their forehead, gently wiping van’s hair out of their eyes with shaky hands, “it’s ok, baby-you’re going to be ok.”
“they’ve got heat stroke.” coach ben says, slowly making his way into the room on his crutch.
shauna swears under her breathe as he continues, “look, sweating a lot but their skin is dry and hot. they keep blinking around like they don’t know what’s going on, and i bet if we asked them to talk their voice would be slurred.”
“so we cool them down right? dunk them in the lake or something…can’t be that hard.”
all of them turn to jackie, staring, and laura lee is the first to speak, “if they lose consciousness then we could drown them, and it’ll take to long to bring them over. they could be affected worse-”
“laura lee!” lottie yelps, nodding at taissa’s face, stricken with fear, natalie fights to keep her worry out of her eyes.
coach holds up his hands, “jackie’s kind of right, we need to cool them down, fast. take them into the other room and take off their upper layers. nat, lottie and tai go do that. shauna, jackie, javi and akilah go fill up as many bottles and anything else with as much water and bring it back ASAP. misty and mari come with me, mari is going to explain exactly what happened and misty is going to work with me to remember how to help. fast.”
for the first time since lottie can remember, everyone listens to coach with no hesitation. laura lee wasent given an instruction, but seeing as how she seems to know what she’s talking about, and seems to give off a relatively calm presence, lottie grabs her arm and hauls her into the other room with the rest.
by the time they’ve gotten van down to just a sports bra and boxers, javi comes sprinting into the room, stares at van for about three seconds before they roll their eyes and he blushes furiously, shoves the water at tai, “akilah and shauna are coming now.” before sprinting back out.
van groans from the makeshift bed, “was he checkin' me out?” their words are slurred and almost incoherent, but nat snorts and laura lee starts giggling, and soon the room is filled with soft laugher, lottie grins and watches tai smooth a wet cloth over van’s forehead while they sigh in relief.
“he so was…but like, you’re hot.”
“‘m burning hot."
lottie snickers, laying cloth over van’s arms while nat and laura lee do their legs, “seriously though, this is the third time?”
van gives a short jerk with their shoulders that make lottie and taissa grab the sides of their head in a panic.
“symptoms of heat stroke are also seizures…”
"laura l..lee i'm not havin' a fuck...ing seizure."
they spend the day like that, with water being routinely brought back and then soaked into cloth and onto van, until they seem able to stand, coach tells them it'll be around three days before van is back to normal, so they're exempt from chores.
later that night, lottie overhears a conversation she doesn't think is hers to hear.
she was intending to go inside, to try and talk to natalie again, but stops when she hear’s van’s voice close to tears.
“nat?” they’re met with a hum, “‘m i gonna die?”
there’s a creak as natalie shifts, then muffled as if pressed into van’s shirt, “no. no you’re not gonna fucking die, hear me? no.”
there’s a moment of quiet sniffling, before-“i don’t want to die.”
“me neither. we won’t, we’ll be old assholes who don’t let kids on their porch.”
“what about taissa and lottie?”
“well duh they’ll be there.”
van sniffs again, and lottie can see nat’s sad smile in her head.
“tell me something happy?”
there’s a moment of silence, and lottie intends to leave, but then,
"-lottie said she loves me."
nat's voice is low, soft and scared, it reminds lottie of a childs, but van's response is sure and truthful, still a little shaky.
"she does love you. do you love her?"
"yes!" the response comes instantly, and lottie can imagine van's smile.
"why don't you want to talk about That Day with her?"
van says 'That Day like a name, and lottie hears nat's sharp inhale.
"everyone i love gets fucked over. plus i thought this was supposed to be happy.”
"i'm not fucked over.”
"you got mauled by fucking wolves, van. my dad shot himself in the head-i'm a goddamn poison."
'you're not!' lottie wants to yell, wants to scream and shake natalie until they realize it. they're an antidote, a potion to heal and help, hide away from harm. she barley registers what nat's said about her father until van's already speaking again.
"bullshit. you love her, she loves you. you don't have to tell her until your ready, but know that she'll still love you no matter what. and fuck happy, we’re not gonna die that’s all i needed.”
"how do you know that?"
"you're not the only one with a great emotional intelligence."
"van, you're traumatized."
"so are you, hotshot."
later that night, when lottie feels nat slide into the blankets next to her, she pulls them in close, kisses their forehead and lets them cry into her chest.
when they fall asleep, she'll catch van's eye from the bed, a shaky smile while she whispers to the sleeping blonde.
"you've got all the time in the world, love."
---------
they never do talk about it, and things seem to be fine for a total of one grand day, before everything gets so much worse.
it's not like lottie is that surprised, she's seen nat's behavior and knows that everything from the past week was just a set up into an even worse spiral.
but she's mad, really fucking mad at herself. she knew, knew it was getting worse and that natalie wasn't ok, and she just let them lie to her. let them tell her she was fine.
sitting in the aftermath of it all is hell, because when lottie's watching nat curl in on herself and stay silent for hours on end, watch the spark in van's eyes vanish every time their eyes fall on her, lottie knows she could have stopped it.
she thinks back, the events of the day before coming to her mind as if she's watching them on tv.
they had enough food and things done that all of them decided to do whatever, weather it be chores or just play.
travis used it as a chance to take javi out and go foraging with akilah, melissa and gen, and (if javi's persistent asking wore him down, which it probably did, knowing both the boys) go for a swim in the lake.
shauna was off somewhere journaling (and lottie was half sure jackie was with her?) misty and crystal inside the cabin doing...some musical theater skit that lottie only knew because of the time natalie and van had dragged her and taissa to see their middle school preform it. taissa was splitting firewood near the creek.
mari was practicing with the shotgun, nat and van having what looked to be an intense discussion about.....movie soundtracks?
lottie wasn't sure, she was with laura lee, sitting in the comfortable silence that normally fell over the two when they were together.
there was a smattering of laugher from van that caught lottie's attention, and a proud smile from natalie-much smaller than the ones lottie was used to seeing.
the laugher faded as jackie stormed back into their clearing, mari's gunshots halting as she retreated back as well.
laura lee looked up, and lottie was about to ask if jackie was alright, when van jokingly shoved nat, and the blonde threw her arms out behind them to stay upright, "oh fuck you palmer!" accidentally hitting jackie in the leg.
looking back, lottie was sure if it was any other day with any other person it would have been fine. but jackie's emotions had been a rollercoaster since the campfire, and natalie's always been an inch away from breaking-these past few days, lottie thinks, closer to a centimeter.
"fucking hell, stop being a goddamn spaz, nat."
"the fuck did you just call me-"
"HEY!"
natalie surged up from her chair, and as lottie stands as well, van's futile attempt to put some space between the two of them fails as jackie steps forward, glaring at nat.
lottie's stomach drops. she want's to intervene, to halt whatever's about to happen, but she can't move, all she can do is watch the shattered ice in natalie's eyes slowly drift apart.
"what are you deaf?"
"says the girl who's so wrapped up in her own pathetic little life she can barley hear anything going on around her. like god, jackie-you don't help, you don't do anything."
something about the way natalie's voice dripped with venom, after each word lottie expected to hear her swear at jackie, but it never came. it put her in a weird sense of anticipation.
jackie's face twitched, "you're gonna end up just like your fucking fath-"
"FUCK YOU."
the brunette jolts backwards, slamming into shauna who had been walking over with her head in her journal, "woah-WOAH."
natalie grabbed onto jackie's collar, barley flinching at the knee jackie aimed at her stomach, but insted twisted, pinning the girl to the floor.
lottie flinched, turning her head to the side as a dull thud rang out.
when she opened them, jackie's nose was bleeding and so was natalie's lip, they pushed themself off of her as her mouth twisted into a painful smile. "do you really know what actually happened to my dad, jackie?"
"yeah," the confidance was back, soaking every word out of her mouth, "he got fucking drunk and the gun exploded. like a goddamn id-"
"mari give me the shotgun."
mari froze, "...no?"
"mari give me the fucking shotgun."
lottie had to give mari credit, she stepped back, "why?"
the smile that nat gave her wasn't happy. it had none of natalie's warmth. it didn't feel good or light, it didn't feel happy.
cold and dark, empty. it didn't feel like natalie.
"jackie wants to know what happened to my dad. i'm more than happy to show her."
"that's not what i-"
"MARI!"
mari flinched, and when nat moved at her, faster than expected, lottie yelled out-her cry falling to deaf ears as van stood up, shoulder checked mari, and punched natalie square in the nose with enough force to send her to the ground.
"WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, VAN?!"
this time, lottie's voice caught attention, travis simply turning javi around and leading him back to the lake, jackie scrambling to her feet in shock as taissa rounded the corner, stopping short at the site of van's bloody fist, jackie's bloody nose, and natalie's bloody face (who was also swearing more than lottie had ever heard in her entire life at van, who looked startlingly calm). "i leave for half of a mother fucking-"
"get up."
van's voice was directed only to nat, the blonde obliged, and lottie watched the two of them for a moment before stepping forward-only for nat to shove van back, "i fucking want to don't you-"
they hit her in the chest this time, "i don't believe you."
and it repeated again.
van telling nat to stand, nat taking a swing, van knocking them to the ground.
no one could move, lottie's entire body screaming at her to but she couldn't, not until she was watching natalie's arm shake as she pushed herself back up, "no!"
before she realized what she was doing, lottie stepped between the two of them, "i don't know what you two are doing but you cannot keep doing it. i can't keep watching it!"
some part of her was aware she sounded hysterical, but frankly, lottie didn't really care.
when they had stopped, and when nat was curled under blankets hours later, van pulled lottie outside the cabin.
"look, i'm sorry for hitting her, she knows i am. but-but you've gotta trust me when i tell you that if i hadn't done that it would have been worse. and that sometimes it's better to get a couple of hits than a shot. they've done the same to me, more than once."
lottie nodded, she didn't think she'd ever be able to fully understand the relationship that the two had, but didn't mind.
van nods in return, "i love them, you know. not making it a competition, mine's different, but i do. i really do."
"she loves you a lot."
"i know."
she's sure nat thinks she's asleep when they shift, pressing their face to lottie's pajama shirt, twisting their hand in her blankets.
thinks she's asleep when they whisper, under the blankets, too quiet for anyone to hear, almost too quiet for lottie.
"i'm not gonna die, ever. i promise."