Chapter Text
Music to hear, hear’st thou music sadly?
Sweets with sweet war not, joy delights in joy.
Why lov’st tho that which thou receiv’st not gladly,
Or else receiv’st with pleasure thine annoy?
-Shakespeare, Sonnet 8
---
“Hi, my name is James Potter and you are extremely attractive, can I have your number?” Was the very first thing that James Potter ever said to Lily Evans.
James was riding a high that day. It was his very first soccer game after being pulled up to Junior Varsity his 8th grade year and they were playing at Beauxbatons. He had just scored a goal, running around the field and cheering with his teammates.
During his celebration, fiery red hair in the stands caught his eye.
James made sure to catch the beautiful girl’s eye and be even more obnoxious with his celebration, attempting a cartwheel, which he had never done before in his life. He, obviously, fell and almost gave himself a concussion, but it was worth it, because he heard the girl’s laughter from the stands.
Right after the game had ended, he had marched right up to her and said those fateful words, which she immediately laughed at.
“I know who you are, James Potter. Our parents know each other. I’m Lily Evans.”
“Oh, so convincing my parents to invite you over to dinner isn’t going to be hard? That’s good.”
Lily laughed again, which was music to James’ ears, and clapped him on the shoulder.
“Sure, James. Dinner with our families sounds great,” she said, semi-sarcastically.
Someone from far away shouted for Jame’s attention, and he started to walk towards the bus to take him back to Hogwarts.
“I’ll call them right when I get home. It was an honor to meet you, Lily Evans.”
“You as well, James.”
James smiled in reminiscence as he looked out the window to the car driving him to the Evans’ home.
A lot had changed since that day.
First off, he didn’t like Lily like that anymore. They had dated for a couple of months after that initial dinner with their families, but ultimately, it wasn’t even a relationship in the first place. It was more like a friendship with false advertisement, the more James thought about it. They rarely saw each other because of how far the schools were from each other, but also, Lily just wasn’t very interested in James romantically. They were fabulous friends though, James wouldn’t go so far as to say they were platonic soulmates, that was Sirius, but they got along like a house on fire. James didn’t mind that she didn’t like to touch him, or that she didn’t kiss him, honestly it didn’t really cross his mind. That probably should’ve been his first sign that Lily and him were meant to be friends.
James remembers the day their relationship ended like it was yesterday. It was at the end of their 8th grade year and they had been “dating” for about six months at that point, but they hadn’t really done much. There had been another Potter and Evans dinner arranged and before the dinner started, they had been hanging out in James’ room together (with the door opened, as per Euengina’s request). They had been having a good time, just lying on the floor together, making conversation. All of a sudden, Lily got very quiet and started to tear up, seemingly out of nowhere.
“Woah, woah, woah, what’s wrong?” James said when he noticed, sitting up.
“I’m sorry, I just got lost in my thoughts for a second there,” Lily explained, quickly wiping the tears that had escaped.
“Well, what’s up?” James asked, but quickly backtracked, “If you’re comfortable answering, sorry—”
“—No, no, it’s fine,” Lily also sat up, “It’s just… a little weird?”
James furrowed his brows.
“Ok?”
“Yeah. Ok,” Lily cleared her throat, and started playing with her fingers nervously. “So, uh, you know how you…uhm… like me? Like romantically?”
“Uhm… yeah?” James asked more than stated.
“Yes. That. So, I don’t think that—Shit. I’m usually so much more eloquent than this—” She was getting frustrated, her hands clenched together. James put his hand over hers, and she looked up at him.
“Lily.”
“Mhmm?”
“Are you attracted to me?”
Lily was silent for a little bit, and then slowly started to shake her head and teared up even more.
“James, I don’t think I even like—” Tears started to fall faster, “God. Fuck. This is so hard.”
“It’s ok, Lils, look at me,” James squeezed her hand again. “Everything will be ok. Anything you tell me right now will not leave this room.”
Lily looked him straight in the eyes, looking for something. James held eye contact. She must have found what she was looking for, because she broke her silence with a whisper.
“I don’t think like boys at all.”
James nodded.
“Ok.”
“I like girls.”
“Ok.”
“Is that ok?”
“I’m pretty sure I just said that I think it’s ok,” James teased.
Lily chuckled, pulling her hands away from James, wiping away her tears again.
“I’m not gonna sugar coat it, Lils,” James continued, “Not a lot of people are going to think it’s ok. But I think it’s ok. I don’t know if that’s enough—”
Lily sobbed and tackled him into a hug on the floor.
“Of course that’s enough,” she mumbled into his shoulder.
That’s where Lily’s older sister found them ten minutes later, tangled on the ground, both of them misty-eyed.
Since then, James and Lily have just let their families believe that they were still dating. Lily did it as a necessary safety net, but James didn’t really know why he was still doing it. He knew that if he asked to “break up” Lily would be fine, but… he didn’t know what he was doing to be honest. He honestly just liked to piss Snape off at that point.
His thoughts came to a stop along with the car, the sight of the Evans’ estate right in front of him.
James climbed out of the car, and jogged up to the front door, too excited to say bye to Mr. Riddle, who had dropped him off.
“I’m picking you up at 10pm sharp, Potter!” Riddle shouted out of the window.
James threw up a thumbs up, and then rang the doorbell. He bounced on his heels, excited to see Lily and all of her friends.
Finally, the door opened, and he was greeted by one of Lily’s best friends, Pandora.
Pandora was beautiful, James wasn’t blind. She was tall, skinny, had beautiful tan skin, and long, blonde wavy hair almost down to her waist. The top of her hair was braided neatly, with flowers littered throughout.
“Oh my god, James! LILY! JAMES IS HERE!” She squeals and jumps forward to give him a hug, and he returns it.
“Hey, Dora,” he replied and squeezed tighter, “Long time no see.”
Pandora pulled away and looked him up and down. And then punched him in the arm.
“Ow!” James yelped.
“It has been an extremely long time, James Potter. I take it extremely personally that you didn’t visit us once this whole summer.”
James pouted, stepped inside, and closed the door behind him.
“You know I wanted to be here, but Mom and Dad wanted to take me on vacation.”
“Blah, blah, blah, your parents are awesome and love you very much. Whatever,” Pandora teased him. She pulled him into her side and took him into the living room.
“We’ve added some new people since the last time you were here with us,” Pandora said as they exited the hallway and entered the living room.
James was met with many pairs of eyes on him, two of which were unfamiliar.
“Hi,” James waved.
Marlene, a short, muscular, shaggy-haired blonde girl who dressed like Ozzy Osborne, and Dorcas, dressed in an all-denim outfit paired with an impressive afro, instantly got out of their seats and pulled James into a group hug, leaving two boys behind, who James didn’t recognize.
James laughed in joy and squeezed both of them tight. Pandora wasn’t kidding when she said he hadn’t seen them in awhile.
They all let go and Dorcas pouted at him.
“No more disappearing acts with your family,” Dorcas said, “We missed you too much.”
“Meh, I didn’t even notice he was gone,” Marlene shrugged.
James chuckled.
“The bruises that you just gave me on my arms say otherwise,” James teased and Marlene shoved him onto the couch, across from the two newer members.
One had blonde hair, gorgeous olive skin, angled cheekbones, and even though he was sitting down, James could tell that he was tall, because his long legs spanned almost half of the couch and landed in the other boy’s lap. The other boy seemed a bit more rugged, his brown hair was messy, just like James’, but had a bit more fluff to it, but his most defining quality was the permanent look of mischief and mirth on his face.
“Hi!” James said cheerily to the both of them, too happy to try and be calm and collected. “I’m James!”
“I gathered,” The blonde one said cooly, but not rudely, “I’m Evan.” He held out his fist to James and James leaned over to bump it.
James looked over to the brunette and raised his eyebrows.
“Barty,” he said, his smirk growing, “Have you met Regulus yet?”
James cocked his head like a confused puppy and opened his mouth to answer because no, he hasn’t met Regulus yet. Nor does he know who he is. But before he can answer, he hears a familiar sarcastic voice from behind him.
“I was starting to think that you were a childhood imaginary friend,” Lily said as she walked into the living room.
“Is that your way of calling me dreamy, Evans?” James teased as he stood up from the couch.
“You wish.”
Lily crossed the room and threw her arms around James’ neck and James breathed her in. They held on tight for a couple seconds and then Lily pulled back and cupped his face, then moved her hand to ruffle his hair.
“Jesus, still no haircut?”
“Fuck you, people think it’s hot.”
Lily pushed him away playfully and made her way onto James’ old seat on the couch.
“By the way, I was told to relay a message to all of you,” James said.
“If the message is from Sirius, I don’t want to hear it,” Marlene said playfully.
James laughed, and shook his head.
Pandora came back from wherever she was and sat right next to Lily on the couch and James watched as Lily’s ears turned red and her smile turned shy.
Interesting.
“No, it’s from Remus,” James ignored Lily for now, “He says hi and that he misses you all.”
All of them, including Evan and Barty cooed, all yelling different things at James to tell Remus at the same time.
“Make sure you tell Regulus when we see him after the show, he and Lily probably miss him the most,” Barty said from the couch.
Everyone started to chime in again, arguing over who missed Remus the most and James was trying really hard to follow the conversation but he kept thinking to himself: Who the fuck is Regulus.
— — —
James, Lily, Barty, and Evan all filed into Evan’s car after the group had finished dinner, and the first couple of minutes of the ride were spent in comfortable silence.
James was trying to think of a discreet way to bring up Pandora to Lily, because he had no idea what Evan and Barty knew about her and didn’t want to say anything and possibly create a problem—
“Hey, Lily?”
“Yeah?”
“Are you going to finally admit your lady-boner for Dora? Because let me tell you, dinner was excruciating.”
“Barty!”
James barked out a laugh while Evan chuckled. Lily smacked Barty’s arm from the backseat and James watched his maniacal smile grow.
“Oh, thank god they know, I thought I was trying to think of a way to bring it up without being obvious,” James commented.
“Oh fuck off, both of you,” Lily snarled, crossing her arms over her chest, which just made Barty laugh.
“Guys, be nice,” Evan piped in.
“Thank you, Evan.”
“No problem. But it might just help to get it off your chest, your depressing pining is throwing off Barty and I’s happy couple vibe.”
James laughed along with Barty, realizing the two in the front seat were together.
James didn’t care at all.
“Die, die, die. All three of you. Die,” Lily said, staring out the window.
They spent the rest of the car ride teasing Lily about Pandora, and it made the trip go by quickly.
They parked next to the theater and climbed out of Evan’s car the same time Marlene pulled up with the rest of the group.
Pandora climbed out of the backseat and immediately made her way over to Lily, throwing her arm around her and leading her inside.
Barty nudged James and they snickered.
Lily looked behind her and flipped them off, which sent them into laughter as they walked into the building.
When they walked into the theater, they realized they must have been a little bit late, because the lights started to flash in warning.
Each of them was handed a program as the group found their seats near the front and right as they sat down, the house lights dimmed, leaving them in darkness.
James settled into his seat, Barty on one side of him and Lily on the other.
Lily reached over and opened James’ program for him, pointing to the first number on the page.
“Mary’s in that one and the last one,” she whispered and trailed her finger to the other page, “and Reg is in this one and the second to last one.”
James hummed in understanding. He just figured he’ll meet this Regulus guy after the show.
The curtains opened and a large group of dancers was on the stage, clad in all black leotards and fishnets.
James noticed Mary right in the front and smiled.
It was an upbeat jazz number, or at least that’s how Lily had described it to him earlier during dinner, and Mary looked like she was having the time of her life.
James has never been to a dance concert before, if that was even what it was called, and he was thoroughly impressed and entertained. He absolutely adored the first number, Mary front and center almost the entire time, and he hooted and hollered with the rest of the group when the dance was over.
He thought the rest of the show was entertaining, but he found himself drifting off near the middle. Nothing had really caught his attention since the first number.
But James didn’t really have to wait long until his attention was captured again.
The lights went down after another dance had gone, and Lily excitedly bounced in her seat.
“Reggie’s next!” Lily whispered, “James, you’re going to die , he is so talented.”
James chuckled and turned his eyes back to the stage.
Alright, Regulus. Let’s see what all the fuss is about.
The lights came up, and the stage was empty except for two ballet dancers who waited in a pose, linked arm and arm, for the music to start. One dancer, the girl, had blonde hair tied neatly into a bun on her head, and radiated an air of confidence as she performed, like she knew she was doing it all completely correctly.
The other dancer, James couldn’t even try to summarize him if he could. As soon as the boy took his first leap, James was done for. Not many words in the English language could describe what happened on that stage, but all that James knew was that it was beautiful.
Regulus soared across the stage, so delicate, yet also so strong, and lifted his partner with ease. But words like ‘delicate’ and ‘strong’ didn’t feel like enough.
Beautiful , James thought to himself , He’s just beautiful.
While Regulus’ partner had a smile on her face during the dance, it seemed performative, like she had been told to smile by somebody else. When Regulus performed, he had a small, yet shining smile on his face. Regulus looked like the type of person who didn’t smile much in his day-to-day life, but when he danced, it looked like he couldn’t help but smile.
As they hit their final pose, James cheered and lifted his applauding hands above his head.
“Wow,” James whispered to himself.
He heard an evil giggle from beside him.
“What?” James asked Barty, who was still quietly laughing.
“Nothing,” Barty whispered back, “You’re just so fucked.”
Before James could ask him what he meant by that, the next number had started already.
James decided to zone out until Regulus was on stage again, so to pass the time, he looked at the program.
He looked for Mary’s name first, which wasn’t hard to find because Lily had already told him she was in the first and last number of the show.
He scanned through the rest of the program when his eyes found Regulus’ name.
Flames of Paris, Pas de Deux - performed by Narcissa Black and Regulus Black.
“What?” James whispered to himself.
Lily shushed him and James sunk further into his chair, looking at the program in disbelief.
Black? James’ alarm bells went off. There’s no way. Sirius would’ve told me—
James cut off his own train of thought.
Sirius was incredibly protective of his family. Not because he loved them, god no, but because he didn’t want his mother to hurt his friends. Or at least, that’s what James had thought.
But he wouldn’t go so far to not tell us about a sibling… would he?
James’ pondering was interrupted by Lily nudging him again.
“Reg spent months preparing this one. It’s usually done by a woman but—”
“—Our Reg doesn’t like to do things by the book.” Barty finished for her, and she nodded in agreement.
James watched as Regulus danced across the stage, his back to the audience, gracefully fluttering his arms gracefully, like a bird.
James gasped as Regulus turned to the front and went to the floor, artfully stacking his arms on top of his legs, a disturbed, hurt look across his face.
He couldn’t take his eyes off him. Regulus was magnetic and James was a compass pointing straight to him.
James had noticed the people around him fidgeting throughout the theater that night, whether they were just adjusting in their seats, looking down at the program, or tapping their feet along to the rhythm.
At that moment, everything was still. Nothing else mattered but Regulus.
As Regulus fell into his ending pose and the music faded, the audience turned from a theater into an arena. The cheering and clapping was so loud that James thought the room was going to explode.
It didn’t, sadly, but there was one more number left and then James could go meet the boy he had already fallen in love with after never even meeting him.
He tried to pay attention to Mary’s next dance, he really did, but even with the completely gold costumes, the upbeat music, and the giant spectacle that was the last number, James couldn’t stop thinking about Regulus.
— — —
“He’s amazing, right?” Barty asked as they made their way out of the theater and into the lobby of the building.
“What?” James asked, being pulled out of his deep thoughts.
“Reg.”
“Oh. Yeah, he’s…yeah. He’s really good, ” James fumbled.
James didn’t think that “good” was quite the right word to describe what he had just seen, but he had to keep it cool.
Apparently, he was doing a bad job, because Barty’s evil smile grew.
“You’re flustered.”
“What? No I’m not!”
“James Potter, I have known you for years. I know when you’re flustered,” Lily chimed in from right behind them.
“Shut the fuck up.”
“No,” Lily said matter-of-factly, “You were making fun of me in the car, so now it’s my turn.”
Evan and Barty “ooh’d” and Lily turned to them.
“You two aren’t safe either, I just don’t have anything against you. Yet.”
Finally, Mary and Regulus popped out into the lobby in their street clothes, saving James from the conversation. James watched as Mary and Regulus looked around for their friends and eventually spotted them, both of them smiling wide. Mary immediately squealed and ran into all of their arms for a big group hug, pushing through to fall into James’ embrace.
James congratulated Mary and handed her off to the rest of the group, and looked over to where Regulus had been. He saw him, and was about to make his way over when a very familiar face pulled him away.
James froze in place, because he was pretty sure that he just saw Walburga Black grab Regulus by the wrist the same exact way he had seen her do to Sirius just the day before. He was sure he hadn’t been seen by her yet, but he couldn’t just leave Regulus alone with her without anyone else there.
James snuck away from the big group and followed the Black’s at a distance until he saw Walburga pull Regulus behind a thin wall. James tip-toed his way to the other side of the wall, straining to hear what they were talking about.
“When you told me you were doing a piece from Swan Lake, I didn’t think you were going to do that one,” Walburga scolded Regulus.
James frowned, already not liking where the conversation was headed.
“But, Mom, I think it went really well–” Regulus tried to butt in, but Walburga steamed-rolled over him.
“Save it, Regulus,” she put her hand up to stop him from talking. She took a deep breath and continued, “Sometimes I regret not sending you to Hogwarts along with your brother and forcing you to stop this. Maybe it would set you straight.”
A lot of things suddenly made more sense to James after that comment.
“I was just trying to–”
“Trying to what? Embarrass yourself? Well, you succeeded. Come on, we’re going home. We’ll continue talking about this later.”
James thought that sounded like the end of the conversation, so he started to back away from the wall. He found a water fountain to stand near, so it wouldn’t look too weird if the two caught him there.
“Can I at least say goodbye to my friends?” James heard Regulus ask as they reappeared from behind the wall, walking straight past James.
“Whatever, Regulus. I’ll be in the car. Do what you want, I’m leaving in 5 minutes, and if you’re not outside by then, I’m leaving you behind.”
Walburga stormed out of the building, leaving Regulus behind. Regulus took a deep breath in, and then made his way over to his friends. James followed behind, and hid behind Lily once he got to the group.
Regulus said a quick goodbyes to everyone, and gave everyone quick hugs. Everyone gave him their congratulations, and all he would do was smile politely, and move onto the next person. Regulus saved Lily for last, not noticing James standing right behind her.
“I really don’t have a lot of time, but thank you for coming”
“You don’t have to thank us, of course we were gonna come!” Lily said.
“You were amazing by the way,” James blurted out.
Regulus glanced in his direction, finally looking at him for the very first time. James’ breath hitched.
“Thanks,” Regulus said, with a questionable lilt to his voice, “Who are you?”
James was a firm believer in love at first sight, and this was already his third time seeing Regulus today, so he was ready to give his wedding vows to the beautiful man in front of him right then.
“Oh, yeah, sorry,” James said, noticing he hadn’t spoken in awhile, “I’m James Potter. I’m friends with Lily.”
Regulus’ right eye twitched in recognition.
“James Potter,” He said stiffly, “I’ve heard that name quite a lot around my house.”
“Oh really? All bad things, I hope,” James teased.
“Yes, actually. My mother hates you quite a bit,” Regulus said plainly, but he seemed to relax a little bit.
“Ah, I thought I saw Walburga around here. How is the old hag?”
Regulus’ face changed into something more pleasant, a mirthy smile spreading across his face.
“Kind and polite as always.”
James smiled, making eye contact with Regulus. Regulus held his gaze until he couldn’t anymore. Regulus looked down at his watch and winced, noticing that his mother was probably going to leave soon.
“Oh, shit. I’ve gotta go. Bye guys! I’ll see you tomorrow!”
Everyone shouted their goodbyes and Regulus started to walk away.
James watched him walk across the lobby and open the front door.
Fuck it.
“I’m just gonna go…” James trailed off as he jogged after Regulus.
“Oh, this is too good,” he heard someone, probably Barty, say behind him as he ran off, pushing the main doors open to reveal the dark night sky and Regulus’ figure walking away.
Call it momentary insanity, but James yelled at him from the front doors.
“Wait!”
Regulus turned around, eyes wide, but not upset. James jogged further to catch up with him.
“I’m sorry, I just forgot, I was told to say hi to you.”
Regulus exhaled, and the cold air created a cloud that blew right into James’ face. He got momentarily distracted, and looked at Regulus’ red cheeks. James didn’t say anything for a second, and Regulus raised his eyebrows, motioning James to continue his sentence.
“Oh, yeah. Sorry,” James chuckled “Remus says hi and that he misses you. A lot.”
Regulus’ eyes softened.
“You’re friends with Remus,” Regulus whispered.
James nodded enthusiastically.
“Good. You seem like someone who’s good for him.”
James beams.
“Thanks. He’s lovely.”
“He is.”
They’re quiet, and Regulus looked like he wanted to ask something, but didn’t know how.
“Sirius is doing okay,” James said softly, “If that’s what you were going to ask.”
Regulus nodded in appreciation and softly smiled at James.
“He’s actually Remus’ roommate,” James rambled, not ready to end the conversation yet, “and they get along like a house on fire. Honestly, I can’t help but notice Remus looking at him funny. I wonder if he likes him. I think that would be really cute—”
“Do you ever stop talking?” Regulus interrupts him, the smile on his face contradicting the harsh words coming out of his mouth.
James stared at him, and blurted out the only thing he could think.
“You’re beautiful on that stage.”
Regulus’ eyes widened in shock, a surprised laugh escaping him.
“Thanks,” Regulus brushed him off, and turned around to walk to his mother’s car.
“I’m not just saying that, I’m being serious,” James followed him, “I couldn’t take my eyes off of you, and honestly, I haven’t really been able to since then.”
Regulus stopped walking, but didn’t turn around to face James. He took that as a sign to keep talking.
“I’m not going to lie, when I saw Walburga take you away I followed you, just to make sure nothing bad happened because Sirius is my best friend and I know what she’s capable of,” James knew he should’ve stopped talking, but he kept going, looking down at his feet, suddenly feeling shy, “I heard what she said to you. I just wanted to say that she’s wrong. I mean, you did the complete opposite of embarrassing yourself. If anything, you embarrassed everyone else who performed because you were so amazing and—”
“You don’t really think about the consequences to your actions, do you?”
James stopped his rambling and looked at Regulus who had turned around during his rambling, and was wearing an unreadable expression on his face.
“Never,” James said honestly.
Regulus chuckled under his breath and shook his head. He started walking backwards to his mother’s car, a smirk on his face.
“You’re trouble, James Potter.”
And he opened the car door and climbed inside, leaving James behind.
James watched Walburga drive away and when the car had disappeared out of sight, the rest of the group had joined him outside.
“Alright, mate?” Evan asked him.
James laughed and glanced at him.
“I’m so fucked.”