Chapter Text
She met Wendy first in a calculus class that the two of them had to take. Wendy had known who she was off the bat, much like a large portion of the school did, so Joohyun wasn’t surprised when the younger girl walked up to her after class and waved at her.
“Hi! You’re Bae Joohyun, right?” Wendy stuck out a hand. “I’m Son Wendy.”
Joohyun gave her a polite smile and took the outstretched hand. “Nice to meet you. You’re in that class we just left, right?”
“Calculus? Yeah.” Wendy smiled as Joohyun stared quizzically at her, wondering what she wanted. “You’re probably wondering why I’m talking to you, right?”
Well, she’d be damned. Joohyun gave her an apologetic expression, lightly scratching her cheek. “I didn’t want to be rude.”
“Oh, it’s fine. I totally understand.” Wendy waved a hand nonchalantly. “I actually came to you to ask you something.”
“Is that? How can I help?”
Wendy peered around them, making sure no one was listening. “How would you like it if I help you with that crush you’ve got on my friend?”
Joohyun blinked rapidly, taken aback. “Excuse me?”
“I’ve seen you.” Wendy gave her a knowing look. “The girl with the camera? I’ve seen you staring at her several times while I was on campus.”
“I’m not sure what you’re talking about.”
Joohyun totally knew what Wendy was talking about. The girl with the camera. Obviously, Joohyun had been drawn by her looks at first glance, but the more she saw the girl around campus and the city, the more she was drawn to the raw passion in her being as she snapped away at the exciting and the mundane, documenting every corner of the place she physically inhabited. Joohyun didn’t really have the courage to approach her; she never had that courage, not since she quit playing the piano.
“No, I really need your help.” Wendy sighed. “Because I truly think you’re the only one who can get her on track.”
“On track?”
Wendy nodded. “She’s got his obsession with dating her ideal type.”
“I don’t see a problem with that.” Indeed, the girl with the camera was her ideal type just from what Joohyun saw of her. She’d be quite sad if there was a problem with that idea in itself.
“Oh, but there’s a big problem.” Wendy grimaced, seeming really concerned for her friend. “She’s into bad boys. Choi Seunghyun’s been her crush for two years now.”
“Choi Seunghyun with the tattoos?” He was bad news. Popping party drugs or protesting university policies. No in-between.
“That’s the one.”
“Well…” Joohyun trailed off. If that was the type of person the girl with the camera was crushing on, she felt that it was appropriate enough to help Wendy. Get to know her friend better. Perhaps more. “How can I help?”
Wendy grinned. “I hope you’re a good actor. Because we’re gonna be pulling off something real big.”
§
Wendy told her that Seulgi took pictures to help with her writing, and somehow it turned into her entire craft to write about places and events. The plan was to use this to their advantage: Wendy texted Joohyun one afternoon, telling her that Seulgi was going to take pictures of the laundromat and would probably take shots around the vicinity. Joohyun was to hang around the area and see if she could approach Seulgi in any way. Ask for directions. Point out that her camera looked expensive. Anything really.
Her plan was foiled, however, when she received a call from her parents while lingering outside of the laundromat. They were wondering if she’d received any offers from any jobs yet. She hadn’t. They wanted her to know that she would be graduating soon and needed to get employed. She promised she would. They told her that they knew she wouldn’t disappoint them. She assured them that she would try harder.
Seulgi wasn’t around by the time she escaped from her cycle of self-loathing. Joohyun had probably spent hours staring at the road as cars passed by. The sun had started setting. Another day wasted.
§
Joohyun received a text from Wendy saying that she’d managed to save a picture that had her in it. Had hyped her up and stuck the picture on Seulgi’s wall. It was only a matter of Seulgi keeping it there.
She constantly got updates about where Seulgi would be. Joohyun tried to visit the places Wendy listed via text whenever possible, but she couldn’t help the dreadful feeling that grew in the pit of her stomach when she spent time doing nothing productive. Maybe she was helping someone. But she wasn’t really doing much about her own growth.
They weren’t really supposed to run into each other at the café, but Wendy had texted her that Seulgi would be there, just not what time she would have to stay away to avoid looking like a stalker. Joohyun had walked in to grab a drink before ambling around the city again, but she made eye contact with Wendy:=; there was a panicked but also an accomplished look in Wendy’s eyes as she held Seulgi’s head and motioned for Joohyun to go about her business. Act natural. Joohyun turned back to her spot in the line and started ordering her drink.
She definitely noticed Seulgi swing her camera around to look at her ‘subtly’ and she definitely knew it was not Wendy’s voice who called out her name. She froze in the middle of ordering—a bit surprised at hearing Seulgi’s smooth voice for the first time—before resuming her actions and grabbing the drink to head over. Might as well make the most of it.
The two girls were bickering when Joohyun approached them so she interrupted with a cautious voice, not wanting to scare Seulgi, whose back was facing her. At Joohyun’s greeting, Wendy gave her a look that bordered apologetic while also seeming to suppress an extreme excitement that gave her features a quality of internal struggle. It made her look like she was going to faint from exertion. Seulgi unfroze after a while and turned to face Joohyun, pretty face tense with anticipation.
“Hi?” Her voice cracked, which made Joohyun want to smile. She reminded herself that Wendy had told her that her acting skills would be tested to the max if they were to pull this off behind Seulgi’s back, so she bit her tongue when Seulgi asked if she needed anything.
“Oh, no. I came over, because I thought I heard one of you call me.” Tilt of the head. Curious eyes. Act natural.
Seulgi smiled awkwardly and started to deny calling her over when she suddenly winced and bent over, muttering curses so softly under her breath that Joohyun could barely hear it over the bustling of the café. Wendy gave Seulgi a warning look before shooting Joohyun a quick smile. Fleeting. Fast. Seulgi didn’t straighten up for a while, so Joohyun asked if she was okay, receiving a thumbs up in response.
Wendy bit her lip slightly. She started rambling about some project Seulgi was doing, almost making Joohyun believe that her words were the truth. She pulled together a bunch of loose ends in her wild speech, which left Joohyun herself speechless as to what would be the proper response. There was only so much acting she could do, so she politely nodded as if Wendy was a stranger.
“I see.” Seulgi was sitting up now. “I’m guessing that you’re Seulgi?”
“I, uh, yes. Kang Seulgi.” The girl held out a slender hand. “Nice to meet you.”
Joohyun took a minute to appreciate the feel of Seulgi’s warm, smooth hands on her own. She thought they’d be rough from spending so much time outside and constantly pressing stiff buttons on her camera, but they were soft and pleasant and very fitting to her pretty face. But it wasn’t the time to admire her just yet, so Joohyun lightly passed off the rather abrupt method of introduction she had by means of Seulgi shouting out her name and asked if she could join them. Seulgi glared at Wendy but gave her the okay.
“So, you did call me?”
Joohyun watched the two girls carefully, wondering what step Wendy would take. She looked a little conflicted as she glanced at Seulgi but (falsely) admitted to being the culprit. The amount of care and dedication Wendy had for her friend warmed Joohyun’s heart, making her wonder if perhaps they too could be friends. She smiled. A genuine smile. “No worries! I’m always willing to help.”
She saw the way Wendy seemed to scream at Seulgi to give Joohyun a chance. It was endearing.
“So...What exactly do I need to do? Do we need to schedule regular meetings?” Joohyun knew that Wendy had set everything up, so it was now her turn to keep things rolling. Try to initiate contact. But Seulgi let out an exasperated sigh and started to turn her down, making both Joohyun and Wendy panic. Joohyun barely kept herself from screaming.
“No!” The girls looked surprised, and to be honest, Joohyun had scared herself too. In trying to suppress her panicking mind, she’d forgotten to control her volume. She coughed slightly in embarrassment. “I meant, I’m really okay with helping you.”
Seulgi nodded. “Okay. It’s sort of a long term thing, but I can give you my number or email or whatever and you can contact me whenever you’re available. I’m free most days with the exception of my morning classes and an evening class on Thursdays.”
Joohyun felt the corners of her lips twitch minusculely at the thought of getting Seulgi’s number. “Do we need to meet a certain number of times before the semester ends? Since it’s for a class.”
“No, it’s…”—Seulgi looked a little lost,—“for a class that is part of a two-sequence series for the entire year. This is almost like a thesis.”
“That’s good to hear.” Joohyun handed Seulgi her phone. Her lips were dry in anticipation as Seulgi punched in her number. “I’m free right now too, if you’d like to get to know each other a bit.”
Wendy suddenly let out a grunt but Joohyun paid no mind, keeping her eyes on Seulgi. Seulgi told her that she had to leave and slung her camera around her neck. “It was nice meeting you.”
No, she couldn’t leave yet! Joohyun turned the gears in her head for a way to continue the conversation when her eyes landed on the camera. “I’ve seen you around the city. Several times.”
Jesus, way to seem like a stalker.
Seulgi made a surprised expression. “You have?”
“It’s hard not to notice such a pretty girl walking around with a big camera.” It was the truth, but damn did it come out smoothly. Joohyun almost felt proud of herself for once.
Seulgi glared at something, or someone, behind her, so Joohyun turned to see what was happening on Wendy’s end. Wendy quickly dropped her hands, but her face was red. Joohyun tilted her head, silently asking Wendy what was going on.
“Uh, that’s cool to know.” Seulgi brought her attention back. She played around with some of the buttons on her camera, looking like she wanted to leave. “I guess I’ll see you around them?”
Joohyun smiled, knowing she couldn’t keep the girl any longer. “Yeah, of course. Sorry to keep you.” She paused. “It was an absolute pleasure to finally meet you, Seulgi.”
Seulgi looked at her a bit oddly but gave a quick nod as she left the café. Joohyun watched her walk out—the way she casually let her jacket drape over her arm and used one hand to support the bottom of the camera. Wendy tapped on the table to get her attention again.
“I get that you think she’s hot, but could you make it any more obvious?” Joohyun turned and blushed. “I’ve got good news.”
Joohyun tilted her head, watching as Wendy took a sip of her drink. “What is it?”
Wendy grinned. “She kept the picture. She kept all the pictures.”
“All the pictures?”
Wendy nodded. “I think since you were hanging around her, you found your way into several of her shots, and she told me about it. She’s using a new writing approach that’s character-based. I think she wants to base it off of you.”
“Off of me?” Joohyun blinked. “Really?”
“Yeah.” Wendy grinned. “She was actually asking me if I knew any way to contact you; she’s trying to learn some things about you to shape the character.”
Joohyun was flattered. “Well, I guess it’s good that I have her number then.”
“Yeah, you might want to text her soon. The sooner the better.”
§
It took Joohyun two days to build up the courage to reach out to Seulgi. She spent at least three hours writing and erasing and re-writing the text to send the younger girl before settling with a ‘Hi Seulgi! This is Bae Joohyun :) I hope I’m not bothering you!’
And she truly was worried that she might be bothering Seulgi. She double-checked her text to make sure that everything was spelled correctly; she had to leave a good impression. God, she hoped Seulgi wouldn’t leave her on read.
Joohyun almost pounced on her phone when it buzzed. It said a simple ‘hi! of course not’ and nothing else. Her fingers shook with nervousness as she asked if Seulgi wanted to meet up. Was it too quick? Would she seem too desperate? Joohyun tapped her finger against her kneecap as she waited for a reply. The phone buzzed again. She jumped. Seulgi said yes.
They met at the café from before at three, where Joohyun arrived ten minutes early as had been drilled into her since a young age. Seulgi hurried in a few minutes past their meeting time, looking a bit disheveled. She hurriedly settled herself and muttered some things about Wendy flooding the toilet. They’d known each other since freshman orientation, apparently. Joohyun wished she had a friend she was that close to.
“She’s like some parasitic creature, I swear.”
Joohyun found the phrase oddly funny. Meant to be offensive but without harming the integrity of Wendy’s character. Very thought out. “You’ve got a way with words.”
“I am a writer, after all.” Seulgi stared at her screen. “Well, I hope to be one.”
Joohyun felt her heart skip a beat at how determined Seulgi seemed to reach her goal. So full of passion and momentum. So different from herself. “I’m sure you’ll be one,” she assured, grasping her teacup with two hands. As she’d been taught to do. At least it hid some of the excited trembling of her fingers. “So...how’s this work?”
Seulgi typed something before pausing. “I need to come clean to you about something.”
Joohyun had an inkling of what it might be, but she played along. “Oh, is this what’s happening? I’m not quite sure if I’m ready to confess everything to you just yet.” The words hit closer to home that Joohyun had meant for them to when she said it.
“Um...No, it’s not what you think.” She looked conflicted.
“I see. Please continue.”
“I actually don’t have a long term project of anything like that going on.” Seulgi paused, eyebrows furrowing in thought. “I usually base my writings around places and events, but I decided to experiment a bit and reference people to create a character-centric narrative.”
“And I’m guessing Wendy saw me then at the counter and suggested me?” As per the plan.
The younger girl blinked. “Uh...yeah.”
“I’m honoured,” Joohyun answered honestly, softly clapping her hands. She felt that Seulgi was probably taking a huge leap as a writer, and it excited Joohyun to see someone engage in such a venture. Something she wouldn’t do. But something she would get to be a part of. “I get to be the first person you do that with.”
“I guess?” Seulgi blinked a few times at her screen and asked Joohyun if she would answer some questions. They were pretty generic; Joohyun had been hoping Seulgi would ask something more philosophical, a comment she relayed to Wendy later that day via text, but she dutifully answered everything Seulgi asked.
“Favourite food?”
“Tteokbokki.” Joohyun rarely got to eat street food, because her parents preferred that she maintain a healthy diet. She saw Seulgi grin.
“Hey, I like that too.”
A point of connection.
“I know this really good place a few towns over. Would you like to go with me?”
§
Joohyun didn’t see Seulgi for another week. It was a long week, one in which she spent time smiling and chatting to people who liked her pretty face and polite mannerisms, but Joohyun couldn’t stop think about Seulgi and she couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that her mother had sounded exhausted when Joohyun told her that she hadn’t gotten past the first round for the latest application she submitted. Graduation would come before she knew it, her mother reminded Joohyun, and she trusted that Joohyun would continue to show her true abilities as she’d always done.
Imposter. Joohyun parroted the same assurances she always did. She knew lots of people. She had good grades. Her mother didn’t need to worry; when had Joohyun ever failed her? They were words that circled in Joohyun’s mouth with an airy quality but couldn’t be grounded into the core of her being. She wished she could be like Seulgi. Sure of her passions. Determined to do whatever it took to be better at what she did. Not stuck on the past.
Joohyun’s phone buzzed, and she pulled it out to see a text from Wendy, whom Joohyun was starting to admire more and more. She had once asked Wendy if she liked Seulgi, but Wendy was just a good friend who cared about her and wanted Joohyun to stop pining after someone when she could have anyone. An odd girl—a bit nosy if put extremely—but she had a good heart. Joohyun wished she met a friend like Wendy when she was younger.
‘Seulgi just left the house. Have you had a chance to talk to her since? She seems to have trouble writing. Still blabbers about Choi Seunghyun.’
Joohyun frowned. ‘No, should I text her?’
‘Oh yeah, definitely.’
And so they decided to try out that tteokbokki place together.
Joohyun sat in front of her mirror, wondering if she should wear a darker shade of lipstick or a more natural tint. By the time she had finished dolling up, she realized that they hadn’t set a location to meet up, so she texted Seulgi again and pursed her lips as she waited for a reply. Seulgi mentioned that she was at the bookstore. Wendy had told her that there was a place the writer frequented often, so Joohyun brought it up and told Seulgi that she would meet her there.
She sprinted over to the best of her abilities, shortening the seventeen minute distance to nine-and-a-half. Joohyun collected herself in front of the bookstore, taking time to simultaneously straighten out her suffocating jacket and messy hair and sneak a peek at the way Seulgi flipped the pages of a small book with long, slender fingers, eyebrows furrowed in concentration. It was a scene that Joohyun would’ve loved to capture and keep forever, but Seulgi glanced up so Joohyun walked in—pretending like she hadn’t been staring—still slightly out of breath.
They greeted each other and Seulgi paid for her book before they left the bookstore, ready to head over the dinner. Looking around, Joohyun remembered that her sense of direction was very unreliable, so she pulled out her phone with quick apologies and typed in the restaurant’s name.
“You could have just texted me the address. Didn’t have to pick me up here.”
“Sorry. I didn’t want you to get lost.” Liar. Joohyun just wanted to spend more time with her.
Seulgi gave her a small smile before taking her phone carefully and peering at the screen. She told Joohyun that she knew where they were headed, so the two girls made their way to the subway station and made small talk as they traveled to their destination. Joohyun asked Seulgi about her writings, but Seulgi seemed rather reserved, which secretly disappointed Joohyun. They soon enough arrived at the tteokbokki place, and Joohyun casually asked if Seulgi was meeting anyone as they were seated.
Apparently Seulgi wasn’t dating anyone, guy or girl, but she was interested in Choi Seunghyun, and for some reason, a flare of jealousy shot up in Joohyun, surprising her. She silently watched as Seulgi joyfully tapped out a rhythm on the table with her chopsticks before seeing if she could find the root of Seulgi’s weird obsession, make her see that she deserved more than a guy who would use her and leave her. Surprisingly, Seulgi was aware of the risks, making an almost convincing argument about why her attraction was entirely logical. Joohyun mindlessly served the both of them as she asked Seulgi what her heart wanted. Seulgi’s answer disheartened her.
It fell silent after that, and Joohyun cursed mentally, thinking that she had ruined everything. They paid and left, Joohyun suggesting a walk around the nearby park so she could extend her time with the artist. The duo ran into the Choi siblings, who Joohyun had met while at a job seminar. Sooyoung and Minho briefly greeted Seulgi before turning to Joohyun.
“Have you gotten any internships yet? We’ve applied to thirty-seven places, and so far, only Sooyoung has heard back from one.”
Joohyun smiled politely. “That’s good to hear that you heard back. Where was it?”
“GG Cosmetics. Summer marketing intern.” Sooyoung smiled. “Any luck with you? Are your parents being pushy like ours?”
There was a moment of hesitance as Joohyun struggled within herself, wanting to tell the siblings about how she hadn’t heard back from any places despite applying to more jobs than them. But with those expectant eyes and knowing grins, she knew she couldn’t. They’d be surprised. Whisper behind closed doors. Bae Joohyun’s not all she’s cracked out to be. Should’ve stuck to playing the piano.
So Joohyun pushed the corners of her mouth up higher and just mused about how her parents had been pressuring her a little, but she hadn’t really been trying hard enough. She was sure to hear back soon once she applied to a wider range of places. The siblings enthusiastically agreed. Joohyun was supposed to be good at everything. Joohyun was likeable. Joohyun would be successful. Imposter.
She bid the Choi siblings goodbye and offered to walk Seulgi back to her place, wanting to assuage some of the tightness in her chest by spending time with the younger girl. Seulgi watched her with observant eyes as they spoke before she stopped and asked Joohyun what her ideal type was.
Kang Seulgi. Joohyun blinked, knowing that it wasn’t an appropriate answer to her question, so she tried to hint as much as she could, what traits she found admirable about Seulgi. Other than the obvious physical ones. People like the Choi siblings would have expected her to say that her ideal type was someone with a stable job and good relationships who could dote on Joohyun. But Joohyun didn’t know if she wanted that or even deserved such perfection. Not when she herself was a mess of frayed strings trying to clumsily knot themselves together to take on a semblance of something more important.
“I guess I just want to meet someone who has a set goal in life and is passionate about what they do. Dedicates a lot to their craft.” Kang Seulgi. “Not much of an explicit ideal type, but it’s the best I can come up with.” Without saying that it’s you. Without pressuring you into having to respond to my undeserving attraction to you. “I usually just meet up with people and see how compatible we are. That’s the most important thing.”
Joohyun fell silent after that, feeling oddly vulnerable. She expected Seulgi to comment something about how Joohyun deserved only the best or how she didn’t expect that Joohyun wasn’t looking for the perfect partner. Instead, Seulgi nodded and asked Joohyun another question, and Joohyun found herself caught off-guard with how personal it was. Yet, no one had ever asked it to her in such a sincere way, as if they wanted Joohyun to never deviate from their image of her. So Joohyun found herself honestly telling Seulgi how much she hated that question, crying out about how she was always so stuck, stuck in her mind and stuck behind a mask put up for social standards, stuck within a mold everyone had set for her. She almost felt elated at finally proving that she was more than the smiling face and sweet words, relieved that one person in this harsh and rigid world knew her imperfect secret. It scared her for a moment, but Seulgi’s eyes were warm as she thanked Joohyun for being honest, complete understanding written on her face.
And under the bright streetlight, Seulgi’s face obscured by the shadows of her own features, Joohyun felt her stupid, small, hopeless schoolgirl crush turn into something greater: waves that drenched her wholly with a love called Kang Seulgi. Confident and unconforming Seulgi, who was comfortable with doing the impossible even if she didn’t have hordes of people to support her. Beautiful Seulgi, who didn’t look at her with expectant eyes or speak to her in a knowing voice, didn’t draw conclusions or judgements from a simple glance. Future bestselling author Seulgi, who had the trust in herself to do more, be better, follow her passions. Just Seulgi; Seulgi in front of her and within her and around her all at once.
“Is it okay if I hug you goodnight?”
“Um. Sure.”
And even if the waves were cold and sudden, Seulgi was warm, and Seulgi was an unexpected constant that promised a breath of air from the endless depths that awaited Joohyun. Her long fingers, her strong arms, her citrus-scented hair: all of it held Joohyun together as she felt her heartbeat quicken—so much that she had to breath in deeply to remember that her lungs existed too, that her body was utterly alive and feeling and the reason she felt the fire slowly spreading within her was because amongst the cacophonous voices that told her that she had to follow the conductor note for note, marking for marking, Seulgi’s smile urged Joohyun to set her own tempo. So as Seulgi pulled back from her, Joohyun realized that she wanted to keep Seulgi by her side and learn how to stand up against the world, little by little, that she wanted to prove to Seulgi that she could eventually do the same for her.
“Thanks for that. I’ll get going now.” Joohyun waved at her. “Bye.”
Seulgi stood, surrounded in a halo of artificial light, regarding Joohyun with an expression that was unreadable but at the very least not expectant. Not disappointed. Not pitiful.
It might have been curiosity, Joohyun thought as she walked back to her dorm with a smile on her face. A genuine one. It was too pleasant to have been anything else.
§
Wendy told Joohyun that Seulgi would be working at the festival, and she also told Joohyun that Seulgi seemed to be gaining some interest in her. Joohyun felt it too—she noticed how Seulgi opened up more when they met up, talking about mundane things and the way she felt about a day’s events, revealing bits of herself for Joohyun to greedily latch onto and relish until they met again. Joohyun learned to turn down others so that she could meet Seulgi more often during the week; at first she was afraid people would hate her for it, but they generally took it in stride, telling her that they could always reschedule. It was exhilarating to deviate from her angelic image, even if no one really thought any differently of her. It was because of Seulgi.
The face painting booth that would be across from Seulgi’s DSLR booth generally had more than enough volunteers, so Joohyun wasn’t able to squeeze in until the afternoon, when most people opted to take time off to explore the festival amenities after a morning of non-stop work. But Joohyun couldn’t care less about the lines of activities meant to raise funds for the university’s clubs. She was preoccupied with trying to figure out how to get everyone in line seated so she could interact with Seulgi as soon as possible. Only around dinnertime was Joohyun able to manage a quick wave to Seulgi, who scanned the other faces looking at her before giving Joohyun a breathtaking grin.
Her plan had been to talk to Seulgi during her break, but her parents called her.
“Honey, should you really be working shifts at the school festival when you’ll be graduating so soon?”
Joohyun pressed her lips together and hugged her waist. “I already signed up to work until closing, so I can’t back out now, mom.”
“You told us you’d be working on job applications.” Her father’s voice was disappointed. “Have you heard back yet?”
“Two places. But I still have to think about it.”
“What is there to think about, darling? You know that most of the positions are out by now.”
Joohyun was silent, not wanting to tell them that she was waiting to hear from the industrial counselor position she wanted to take on. They had been hinting at her to enter a big corporation and work her way up to an executive position. “I’m just waiting until I have a wider range of choices to choose from.”
Her mother sighed. “Alright, Joohyun. We trust you.” She paused. “You haven’t disappointed us yet.”
Yet. Joohyun closed her eyes, knowing that there was an implied ‘again’ that came after it. She nodded even though her parents couldn’t see. “You and dad can trust me. I’ll do the right thing.”
Joohyun’s mother didn’t comment on the ambiguity of the statement as she said goodbye and hung up. Joohyun sighed and rubbed her eyes in frustration before heading back to the booth, where she spent the entire time teetering dangerously at the edge of a pit which would swallow up any progress she had made in allowing her own voice to be heard.
She escaped to the space behind the tents once everyone was gone, sliding down along the building wall to squat on the ground, not caring if her pants got dirty. The thoughts of falling back into the never-ending spiral of anxiety about her life were interrupted when someone took a seat next to her.
“Long day?” Seulgi asked. Joohyun gave her a smile, hoping that she didn’t look as much of a mess as she felt inside. “You seem tired.”
Ah, so it did show. “A bit. It’s nice to catch a break, although it took this long.”
Seulgi hummed as she stared in front of her. “You’re good at keeping up with the whole cheerful volunteer façade.” Her laugh was airy and light. Otherworldly. “I gave up on that thirty minutes into my shift.”
Joohyun felt her lips threatening to break out into a huge smile, so she leaned her head against Seulgi’s shoulder, not caring that Seulgi froze in surprise. “Were you here the whole day?”
“Yeah.”
“Must’ve been difficult.”
“You were dealing with more people. I was practically napping the whole time.” There was a brief pause, during which Joohyun revelled in the comforting feeling of Seulgi’s shoulder. “Is it okay if I ask you something?”
Joohyun felt drowsy against her. “Mmhmm.”
“Why do you put on that façade?”
Her eyes widened. She lifted her head to face Seulgi. “What do you mean?”
Seulgi told her that she saw her on the phone earlier. “Was it your parents?”
Joohyun nodded. “Yeah,” she said honestly.
“If you don’t mind me asking...are you okay with your parents? Do they treat you well?”
The concern in her voice made Joohyun’s heart flutter. She studied the white material of the tents lined up in front of her. Her relationship with her parents was ambiguous. To put simply. Joohyun always felt a crushing guilt when she thought of their fallen faces the moment she told them she didn’t want to play the piano anymore. She’d won competitions globally, been reported on in several newspapers. Up until the age of ten, she had been untouchable in the music scene for children, garnering the interest of professionals who said she would be successful, offered to take her under their wing to skyrocket her into a composing genius. But one day she didn’t want to do it anymore.
They had asked her several times, eyes worried, disappointed, expectant, if she really wanted to quit. It was her best shot at success, they said. She had a path set for life, for however long in the future she planned to live. If she made enough money, she could quit then and do whatever she wanted. They just wanted the best for her.
And Joohyun knew they did. Which is why when she found out that her grades were mediocre at best and people didn’t want to talk to the kid who bit back with scathing remarks when they asked about why she quit playing piano, when she saw the way her parents’ eyes said the opposite as their mouths formed the words ‘it’s okay,’ Joohyun strove to become the perfect daughter because she had disappointed them enough. She had thrown away the natural talent they had given her, the easy path to success. She grew up to be a coward who hid behind a body that was perfect and beautiful, but it was never their fault. It was her own.
“They don’t treat me unwell.”
When Joohyun told her everything, Seulgi tapped a finger against her leg and told her she’d do fine. People liked her.
And normally, Joohyun would have been irked, despondent, but when Seulgi said it, she wasn’t expecting Joohyun to do well as a business executive. She was promising Joohyun that even if it wasn’t the best, she would pass by in whatever she pursued. And that was more assuring to her than everyone who congratulated her on every little success, telling her that they knew she’d do great, that she would make an amazing businesswoman. No, Seulgi told Joohyun that she’d do fine no matter what she did, and that realistic encouragement had her laughing softly as she thanked Seulgi.
“Thanks. I’m still trying to overcome my anxieties, but it’s a lot harder than you’d think it is.”
“You’re doing great. I know you are.”
How long had Joohyun wanted to hear that, not because she was applying to jobs and struggling to become successful, but because she was finally finding who she was? Had anyone ever told her that she was doing great, not that she would do great? Such a small change but such a great difference. She faced Seulgi, hoping that her eyes would show the gratitude she felt at Seulgi’s simple acknowledgement of the now and Joohyun’s growth as an individual, not a function within the machinery of society, where the future was where everyone ran endlessly towards.
“Thanks for telling me that. I really needed to hear it.”
Seulgi’s gaze held a tenderness that Joohyun had never seen before, and it was so different from that unreadable expression from under the streetlight all those weeks ago. Joohyun felt her chest tighten. She didn’t even notice that it had started raining until Seulgi pulled her up and into the tents to shelter themselves from the rain. They called a taxi to head back to their places, but they were already soaked, so Seulgi offered Joohyun to come up with her.
The apartment was a little bigger than her dorm room, and the hallways and elevator were relatively clean. Seulgi shot Joohyun an apologetic look as she warned her of the mess in her room, but when Joohyun stepped in, she was fascinated by the plethora of lines, lights, colours, and shadows that had been imprinted onto the walls through Seulgi’s photos. It was beautiful, just like the room’s resident.
Joohyun walked up to the desk where Wendy had told her Seulgi kept her pictures, and she observed in awe at how she’d been captured so naturally in the frames, unfiltered, showing expressions more than that of her polite smile. She heard Seulgi come out from her bedroom.
“Is that me?” She wanted to double-check that that person in the photo was indeed herself, that Seulgi had really kept her picture and glanced at it everyday, mused upon the way Joohyun’s face formed different expressions. Joohyun turned around when Seulgi mistook her intentions and started panicking. “You said you were trying character-centric planning for the first time. Any particular reason why?”
Seulgi told her that she had seen something. Something somber in her expression. She had seen the Joohyun that no one had ever attempted to look for before. She had wondered if there was a Joohyun beyond that of the girl who perfectly played the role of the campus sweetheart. She had wanted to pen it out and prove that Joohyun was human too.
Joohyun listened attentively the whole time, clasping the mug in her hands so that she wouldn’t accidentally reach out and pull Seulgi closer, accidentally kiss her like she was Joohyun’s oxygen. She calmly nodded and took in Seulgi’s words and thanked her out loud, and in her mind a million more times, and when it was time for her to leave, Seulgi’s fresh-smelling clothes still on her body, Joohyun looked at Seulgi one last time to convey all the thanks she couldn’t say out loud and kissed her soft cheek before leaving.
§
When was the appropriate time to return someone’s clothes? Joohyun had washed the shirt and pants Seulgi lent her in their own batch, afraid of accidentally ruining them. She wondered if she should return them immediately. She ended up panicking and didn’t.
Of course, Wendy was her saviour once again. She ate up Seulgi and Joohyun’s interactions like she was watching a movie and provided the commentary just like how the people in the audience did, only her words would change the plot,= and the actors would gladly take it on. Wendy texted Joohyun on a snowy day, letting her know that Seulgi had come to her senses, but that she was ‘so dense.’ Joohyun smiled. They were a cute duo.
‘She’s probably doing some weird introspective exercises and won’t stop until I go back to her place, so you might wanna text her.’
‘Thanks, Wendy! I really owe you one :) Or several xD’
Joohyun tapped her foot quickly as she pulled up Seulgi’s text conversations with her and shot her a quick text about meeting up to return the clothes. Seulgi said they could meet at the bookstore again, so Joohyun rushed, not wanting to make Seulgi wait.
When she got off the taxi and stepped into the snowing outside air, Joohyun saw Seulgi shivering in front of the bookstore in what seemed like her indoors outfit. Her pretty face and hands were red.
“Seulgi! Oh my god, why aren’t you wearing something warmer!” Joohyun ran over, not caring about slipping, and rubbed Seulgi’s arms. “Do you not have a jacket?”
Seulgi blinked. “I forgot.” She reached out for her clothes in the bag. “I can take that.”
Joohyun handed her the bag so she could take off her jacket and wrap in around Seulgi. The air was frigid with the breath of winter, but Joohyun couldn’t feel much of it because her body was thrumming with excitement as they walked to Seulgi’s place. Nevertheless, Seulgi shifted the jacket to wrap both of them in it. Joohyun’s heart leapt at the close contact as Seulgi told her that her writing was coming along well.
“That’s good!” Joohyun smiled at Seulgi, happy to hear that she was getting comfortable with her new approach. “I’m glad you’re learning new things. Good for growth.”
It was applicable to herself too. The day before, she had told her parents that she wanted to pursue a job more focused on psychology. She told them that she appreciated their concerns and wanted them to watch her succeed. But she would do fine no matter what she did. Even if she didn’t make lots of money or have everyone’s attention, she would be happy. They told her okay. They weren’t enthusiastic, but they accepted it. And that was enough for Joohyun.
Seulgi regarded Joohyun with a neutral expression, not necessarily hostile, and spoke again, eyes holding Joohyun’s with sincerity. “Yeah. And I’ve also come to the realization that I’d want to meet someone like my character.”
“Meet? As in romantically?”
“Yeah.”
Joohyun was close to passing off her response as something minor, when it hit her. She blinked a few times, hoping she didn’t hear wrong. “Didn’t you base that character off of me?”
“Yeah.”
Joohyun’s heart quickened again as she fought to keep down a smile. “So are you going to just keep saying yeah?”
“Huh?” Seulgi looked confused. “What do you mean?”
The smile slipped out a bit, teasing Joohyun’s lips with the possibility of a full form. “Did you know that you’re my ideal type?” The perfect woman? The best person Joohyun had ever met?
“Huh?”
“Now you’re just going to say huh?” Joohyun sighed, wondering if Seulgi would never process her emotions verbally. She gave her a little push. “Why don’t you say something else? Like, ‘Joohyun, will you be my girlfriend?’”
“Huh?”
She knew what Wendy meant now. “Jesus, you’re so dense.”
Seulgi snapped out of her trance and pulled them under the overhang of some random shop, out of the snow. Her hair and eyelashes were speckled with unmelted, perfectly geometric shapes of small snowflakes as she tilted Joohyun’s face up to look at her in the eye. “You want me to ask you to be my girlfriend?”
“Are you going to make me repeat myself?”
Seulgi broke out into a smile, the most blinding yet eye-opening sight Joohyun had ever seen. Her cheeks bunched up and her eyes curved and her lips swore of ‘fine’ futures no matter what they did. “Bae Joohyun, will you be my girlfriend?”
Joohyun’s smile took on its full form as she finally pulled Seulgi in for a kiss. Her lips were chapped but soft, smiling as they met Joohyun’s lips. Warm. Comforting. Just fine. “Do you know how long I waited for you to say you felt the same way for me as I do for you?”
“Huh?”
“There you go again.” Joohyun sighed, but she was screaming inside. “I can’t believe you didn’t catch onto the fact that you’re the only person I regularly meet every single week.” Or that Wendy had been hyping her up for months now.
Seulgi glanced sideways as if remembering something but looked at Joohyun again. “Did you know that you’re not my ideal type, but you’re my ideal type?”
Joohyun tilted her head, confused. Wendy didn’t mention anything about this. “Huh?”
Seulgi just smiled again, meeting Joohyun’s lips once more. “It’s nothing.” Her eyes were bright as she tucked Joohyun’s hair behind her red ears. “Ideal types are stupid anyway.”