Chapter Text
“So what happens after that?”
“Oh don’t act like you don’t know what comes next.”
“Yeah, but she doesn’t…”
“Okay true.”
____
“Welcome back Maya.”
“Thanks…” She smiled to Diane awkwardly and sat on the couch.
“So I want to try something today. You’ve made some good progress lately, but I want to see where we are now.”
“Okay?”
“I want you to close your eyes again.”
“Okay?” She did as she was told and closed her eyes.
“I want you to imagine your someone comforting you after loosing something important to you. That someone with you, what are they doing?”
“They… they are comforting. They shouldn’t be there, they shouldn’t be so proud, but they are?”
“What does their comfort mean to you in this moment?”
“That… that they support me, that they are there for me… that they love me, even when I fail.” Small tears rolled down Maya’s cheeks at the realization. She had a breakthrough that 3 year old Maya just wanted to be told how much she is loved even when she fails.
“Okay, and now the person comes into focus, what do they look like? Is it someone you know? Are they related to you?”
“I- I can’t tell, but they are hugging me. They smell like lavender? It’s a woman, I can tell her hugs are soft, comforting, safe.” Her brows come together as she tries to focus on who it is comforting her.
“I want you to try and see their face, who is it that is there for you?”
She opens her eyes and is immediately met with wavy brown locks. She pulls away from the woman just slightly. Non judgmental brown eyes are staring at her, those are eyes she could recognize anywhere. She sees sympathy and love in those eyes, they belong to the one person who has been there for her even at her worst.
“Carina, I see Carina. She is there for me, comforting me, even through my losses. I treated her so horribly, she doesn’t deserve any of that, she doesn’t deserve any of what I put her through.” Maya was now letting her tears flow freely.
Talking with Diane has made her realize just how much she has put the other woman through. The one person she really wants in her life, she has been pushing her away this whole time. Carina has been the one Maya always wants to call first when something happens. Wether it is good or bad news, Carina is the one Maya wants to call first, because she knows she will know how to comfort her the best.
“Good, this is a good start.” Diane looked at Maya sympathetically.
“I- I have treated her so horribly, I became my father and she still tried to be there for me.” Maya tried to wipe the tears away, but they just kept falling.
“Have you talked to her since the accident? I’m sure she would like to hear from you.”
“But I said such horrible things just before the accident, I- I went to visit her once but she was sleeping. I’m just not sure how things would go if I went to see her while she was awake.”
“An apology can go a long way Maya, especially when it comes from someone you love.”
Maya thought about it for a minute, she really did want to see Carina. She was just scared to go back to see her, she left in such a hurry after they talked at the station. Maya knows she had hurt her, but she does truly love her.
“I think maybe we should be done for today, it seems that you have a lot to think about. You have done some good work these past couple of sessions, I want you to now think it all through on your own for a bit.” Diane smiled to Maya.
“O-kay…” Maya was still thinking of wether or not she was going to go see Carina. She slowly got up and headed for the door.
She decided to take the scenic route to her apartment, thinking it might do her some good to get air. Before she knew it, she made her way to Grey-Sloan and found herself pacing in the waiting room, debating if she should even go and see Carina.
“What would I even say? I’m sorry? I’m getting help? I’ll do better?” Maya grumbled to herself trying to figure out what to say. Nothing felt right, none of her ideas felt good enough for an apology.
She knows what she did was wrong, she even heard it first hand that her father also avoided getting help and chose his job over his kids. Now here she was choosing her job over the most amazing person she could have ever met. She hurt the one person she never wanted to see be hurt, and here she was, pacing the halls like a coward instead of apologizing.
Maya stood still, squared her shoulders, and decided she needed to go talk to Carina. She marched her way over to the elevators, and waited for the familiar hum of the cart’s arrival. She pressed the button to Carina’s floor, and the elevator seemed to move even slower than it usually did. It turned out to be okay because it gave her time to think about what it was she was going to say.
When the doors to the floor opened, she turned down the hall and towards Carina’s room. The door was closed, and Maya fidget with her hands as she looked into the little window on the door. She took a deep breath, and knocked lightly before just letting herself into the room.
“I- Maya? I don’t want to talk to you right now.” Carina looked over at the door and felt instant irritation.
“Carina please, just give me a few minutes to explain.” Maya pleaded with the injured woman as she closed the door.
“Explain what? That your job is more important? That what we had was temporary?” Carina could feel her eyes already glazing over with emotions.
Maya felt the guilt of her conscious eating at her as Carina spoke the truth. She knows she should have been putting her first, telling her just how much she loves her, never letting go. Here she was now though, trying to beg for forgiveness, forgiveness that she doesn’t even feel she deserves. It took everything in her to not just turn around and walk out right then.
“No Carina, you have it all wrong. I- I’ve been seeing someone-“ Before Maya could continue, she could see the hurt in Carina’s eyes.
She could see the slight slump in her shoulders, the way her eyes pooled with more tears, how she tried to be brave. Maya could see the way Carina tried to hide the sharp intake of air. It was like she couldn’t stop hurting the one person she truly loves.
“No! Not like that, professionally! I’ve been seeing someone professionally, Carina. I’m getting help, I- I realized you were right, that I needed to get help. After the accident, I called the fire stations therapist… I’ve been getting help for you, for me… for us.” The last part came out a whisper as she got choked up on her own emotions.
“Maya-“ Carina tried to interrupt.
“Wait, I’m not done yet. I’ve only had a handful of sessions with her, but in that short time, she has made me realize just how much I want you in my life Carina. There is so much more I need to work on, for me, but I- I never realized just how much you mean to me, and that is selfish. I was selfish, you told me about your dad, and I still repeated those mistakes. I chose my job over you and expected you to stay, something I should never have done, and I’m sorry. I am so sorry Carina.” The two were both in tears, Maya stepped closer to the bed, to Carina.
“Carina, someone wise once told me ‘what the hell is the point in finding your person, if you don’t get to whether the storms together’. I have been creating a huge storm for us, pushing you away, doing everything I could to get my job back, creating chaos, and this whole time, you have been by my side. I have been too blinded by rage to realize it, but Carina, you- you are my person. You are the person I want to whether the storms with, together. I’m sorry it has taken me this long to figure that out, and if I were you, it might be too late, but another wise person once told me, ‘an apology can go a long way from someone you love’. I know you love me Carina DeLuca, and this is me, Maya Bishop, telling you that I love you too.”
“An-and that means something, it means something because I have never said that about anyone but my brother. My brother who I haven’t seen in a very long time, honestly I’m not even certain he’s still alive, but that’s besides the point. I haven’t said that about anyone besides my brother, so it means something. I love you Carina, and I am trying, and will keep trying, to do everything I can to prove it to you.” The two were now just short of sobbing, Maya letting tears free fall down her face as she ran her thumbs under Carina’s eyes, trying to stop her tears.
“Are you done yet?” Carina lightly asks through a small smile as the tears keep falling.
“Y-yes, yeah I’m done now.” Maya returns the small laugh.
“Good, because I wanted to do this.” Carina grabs for Maya’s face and kisses her with passion.
The two close their eyes as their emotions swell within them. Neither one of them wanted to be the first to pull away. Even as salty tears mixed into their kiss, the need for air was the only reason they broke apart.
“Carina-“
“No Maya, it’s my turn now. I- I love everything you just said, I love you, every part of you… no matter what. I love you so much though, that I’m not sure how much I trust myself to be honest. I want to trust everything you just said and let myself be pulled back to you, but am I just being blinded by my love for you? If I let you back in an-and you’re not as ready as I think you are, as you think you are, will things just end up the same way again? I need more Maya, I need to know I’m not just signing up for more hurt and agony. I love you so much Maya that I would whether the hurt just to have you in my life, but I know rationally we wont last, I wont last, if that is true. I need to know that you are serious, that we come first, that things will be different. I’m not trying to be needy or sound like a broken record, but if I have to watch the person I love put me second one more time, I will break.”
“T-then let me take you on another first date, l-let me prove to you I am all in. Carina, you are the only constant I want in my life, this world is constantly changing an-and I want to be in this beautiful mess with you by my side. Let me show you what I should have been showing you from the beginning… how much I love you.” Maya held Carina’s hands in hers and stroked her thumbs back and forth over the soft skin.
Brown met blue as the two stared deeply into each other’s eyes, Carina debating with herself on if she was going to take this risk. Before she knew what was happening, she felt herself nodding yes. She bit her lip nervously but nodded yes, she wanted this to work for them, she wanted Maya in her future as well.
“Yes?” Maya asked, emotions welling up once again as she didn’t think she would say yes.”
“Yes Maya, I want to be in this beautiful mess of a changing world with you as well. Prove to me that we can make it through this, together.” Carina let a few stray tears fall as well.
Overwhelmed with positive emotion, Maya leaned in and kissed her once more. Carina accepted the kiss as her tears and happy emotions mixed in. They could do this, together, they could do anything.