Chapter Text
== > Tavros, I’m glad you didn’t freak out.
He’s about to.
Karkat huffed and looked at the door to make sure it was still closed and no one was listening.
“I’m only gonna say this once, I'm not repeating this shit because I'm not risking someone who shouldn’t hear this, hear this. Got it?”
“Uh- Yeah I mean-“
“Good, anyway-“ Karkat looked back over the balcony at the rolling clouds before them you could smell the incoming rain, “He made it through like everyone else did. He just…woke up somewhere else. Apparently. Eridan saw him at some beachside town, sent me the shittiest quality photo of him but there’s no mistaking.”
“I see but, why are you telling me?”
“Because. I want you to go and….I don’t know, talk to him? Check on him? Make sure his dumb ass is still actually alive because this picture is a year old.” There was a stretching silence after that. There was no question as to whether or not tavros would go, however;
“I understand what you’re saying, but, do you think he wants to be found?” His voice was small, karkat gave him an incredulous look as if asking him to elaborate, “What I’m trying to say is….Do you think there’s a reason, gamzee didn’t try to find us?”
“Of course I thought of that!” He was lying, “Even if that idiot doesn’t want to be found, that’s not going to stop me from keeping his ass alive. I know you’re busy running around playing with beasts and lusii but you’re the only one I know that can-”
“I’ll do it.”
“-Do this so will you just-What?” Karkat did a double take, “Really?”
== > So does this bring us to now?
Aaaalmost
After tavros accepted his new quest, karkat supplied him with the information as to where the picture was taken. For the time being this was to be a secret between him and karkat (And aradia because why wouldn’t tavros tell her everything? She was easily sworn to secrecy.), they had no idea what state of mind gamzee was in. For all they knew he could still be under the control of lord english, the only way to find out would be to approach him.
The trip to the seaside town was long and torturous for Tavros, his mind reeled and he thought up 500 different ways to greet gamzee. How would he talk to him? How would gamzee react to seeing him? Did gamzee even know tavros was alive?
It didn’t take him long to find gamzee, it just….took tavros a bit to actually speak to him.
He asked around and as soon as he mentioned a purple blooded troll in a purple outfit he was pointed to a market street lined with stalls. He stood at the entrance and took one deep breath before going in and beginning his search.
== > Now?
Yes, now.
Tavros laid eyes on gamzee and…well….no magical way to put this but….Tavros had to remind himself to breathe again.
Gamzee’s hair was as wild as ever, his facepaint was neat but seemed….worn? He was chatting up a teal blood asking about his produce and god how tavros loved how…Calm everything looked to be. Once the troll made their purchase and went on their way Tavros took one step towards the unknown, never again would he hesitate.
== > Finally! Let’s be tavros and check out your old friend, not in that way though!
Now, you the reader, are Tavros Nitram.
You stand before a produce table, your friend rearranging them to cover an empty spot left behind by an admirable eggplant he just sold. His hands have calluses and bandaids, he’s wearing a sunhat with holes cut for his horns and you try not to laugh at how precious it looks. You speak to catch his attention and when he looks up you suck in a breath and hold it.
Up close the makeup does little to hide the bags under his eyes and the scars across his face, despite all of this, you can see the mirth and whimsy hidden underneath those indigo tinted eyes. He’s still a little taller than you, but that was to be expected. He wore a kind of smock shirt that could pass as a dress, a crude capricorn symbol painted on the front, you could almost picture him sitting down and trying to paint it with a steady finger. You held your composure well, even through a dumbass cheesy line (‘This produce looks really good’? Real fucking smooth tavros!!!) and asked if he’d like to hear your story. You rolled with things as they came and prepared yourself for the chance that gamzee would turn down your offer.
He accepted after someone agreed to watch his stall and….well…You didn’t think you’d get this far.
The walk was filled with you telling him about the many different beasts from earth you’d seen and even how you encountered Lusii. You couldn’t help but gush and tell him about it all, even if the adrenaline made you stutter on a word every so often. He would just laugh or chime in very once in a while, pointing and showing you stalls and what was being sold. This led to you spending quite a bit on useless little knickknacks that you didn’t have a home for but you weren’t thinking about that right now! You were thinking about how you both were spending time together without double glances because of your differences in blood color. There wasn’t an oppressive air or energy swirling around.
It was just you. And gamzee.
Let’s be gamzee now.
== > But! We just started being Tavros!
Too bad, be Gamzee, it’s his turn now.
== > Let’s be gamzee!
Now you’re Gamzee makara and your blood pusher is thumping so fast you can't hear it anymore.
Tavros is here, he’s breathing, he’s talking.
Oh sweet messiahs he’s talking, without a nervous composure, without worry of ridicule. You’re listening to his every word, his every quirk, the way he paused after he stuttered and for a split second you knew he was considering apologizing but he carried on as if nothing happened. You wanted to hug him, to feel his blood pusher actually beating because it still felt like a daydream. A cruel prank by this worlds’ new gods, just to hurt you even more than you already have been.
His stories have you captivated and starry eyed, he’s experienced so many things in such a short time. You ignore the aches in your chest when he mentions your friends and how they’ve been. You were happy they all made it and they all could live just as free as tavros had been. They were so happy. Together. While you were alone. You deserved it though, you weren’t allowed to forget that-
“Gamzee?” Shit you weren’t listening!
“My bad bro, I was wrapped all up in my thinkpan.”
“I was just asking where you lived is all, if you don’t, uh, mind me asking that is, I wouldn’t want to put you in an awkward spot-“ How you adored his rambling.
“‘S all good brother, I’ll take you to my swanky new digs, its off the beaten path so I hope you don’t mind sand”
“Not at all, I actually haven’t seen the ocean since ! last saw eridan, it's where I got these piercings from.” Tavros reaches up and fiddles with the one in his nose, you too want to touch it and feel the cool metal between your fingertips.
Maybe it was the deafening loneliness. Maybe it was the lack of personal contact. Hell, it could be the childish feelings you still held towards him. There could be a myriad of reasons as to why you wanted to be as close as possible, skin against skin, you craved and yearned for an intimate moment to call your own.
Your fingertips tingle.
== > Gamzee, how was the walk to your pathetic excuse of a hive?
No need to insult a motherfuckers home
You and tavros walk until the sidewalk ends and blends into dirt and the dirt turns to sand. You’d been walking this path so long that the grass flat and the trail was apparent. The sound of the waves grew louder, you chose to ignore them this time. Tavros was telling you the most wonderful story about the bitter drink that Eridan had him try when they were portside. Part of you is a tad jealous at their comraderie.
“It was fizzy and eridan swore it would taste good but it ended up tasting so, so, bad!” He laughed and it was like a cacophony of church bells to your ears, “He kept making me drink it saying ‘It wwill put some hair on that glubbin chest’ I told him that it was, unlikely that I would grow hair on my chest at all and-Ack!” You stopped and turned to see him stumble over a root and have to steady himself on a tree.
“You need some help brother?” You offered a hand, there wasn’t rhyme or reason to, his ankle wasn’t wounded and he wasn’t a wriggler, tavros was a goddamn adult-
His hand gently took yours and it felt leagues warmer than your cold clammy ones. That was the thing about Lowbloods, their body temperature was always higher than highbloods.
“Thanks gamzee, No matter how much I try, I’m still a big dorky clutz, all we’re just missing now is the fiduspawn.-“ You can feel the calluses on his hands, “-I miss fiduspawn! It’s just not a thing, here, It was replaced with some juvenile human version, ‘Pokémon’ was what Dave told me.”
You let him ramble and talk to fill the silence until you both arrived at the beachfront, he stopped to remove his boots and socks. You two carried on (his hand no longer in yours, unfortunately), you watched how he would stop every so often to pick up and examine a shell and toss it back in the water. You asked him questions, filling in any and all blanks from the past two years, you did your best to keep your questions from being about the game. The questions grew by the second. Was he even your tavros? Did he see what you did to his severed head when you were enlightened and answering the trumpet call of the messiahs?
You stop him and point to the place you’ve been calling home the past two years. The shack looks much better than when you first moved in, you’d repaired almost all of the leaks in the ceiling and began painting the outside different colors. Every panel was a different color and you were beginning to add new designs to them. You’d made some trades and managed to get a piece of sheet glass to make a window, you found out you loved the natural lighting of this new sun. Several feet behind it was the garden, a crude fence out of driftwood did nothing to keep out vegetable burglars (It was more so for aesthetic purposes.).
“Oh, it looks…..Cozy!” Tavros did his best to stay optimistic.
You laughed, “At the rate i’m growin’, my horns are gonna put the holes back in the ceiling.” He tried not to laugh but he cracked a smile and you took it as a W, “C’mon I’ll show you what I got goin on in here” You turn to go to the shack but tavros grabs your arm.
“Actually, before we do anything else, we have to talk about some stuff.”
Mannnnn why do those words always make you feel so fucked up. You wanted to keep things light and carefree just a little longer. You knew he was going to tell you something bad, maybe that he had to leave because he couldn’t stomach looking at your sorry self. That he made a mistake by coming here-
“Alright brother, we can talk about anything you need to.” His smile reassured you.
Let’s rip this shitty bandaid off already.
== > Tavros, don’t keep secrets from your best bro.
You and gamzee end up sitting in the sand knees brought up almost to your chest, your pant legs rolled up to keep them from getting too wet as the waves rolled over your feet. Gamzee only removed his shoes, it was hard not to cringe at the way he just let his pant legs get soaked with sea water. You let things lie for a few more minutes, it’s not like you expected him to flip the script and freak out if he knew why you were really here or how you found him. You just didn’t want him to think you were forced to come here and not because you wanted to find him.
“Tav if its bouncin around in your think pan, why don’t we take turns asking each other a question.”
“Oh, wow, that’s actually a really good idea.”
“I get one every once in a while”
Okay that took you by surprise and you did laugh.
“Okay, I’ll go first then,” you focused on the glistening water, “Did…Did you die?”
“Yeah….When I woke up and answered a miraculous calling, they locked me away in a fuckin fridge,” He scratches at his arm, “I sat in there forever and a day tav, until he didn’t find me useful anymore. I could feel him let go and I rotted in there.” You didn’t have to look at him to see the glazed over look in his eyes, you could hear it in his voice.
“I-I’m sorry you had to, go through that-”
“Why are you here Tav? Not that a brother isn’t thankful you made it through but….” Never had gamzee's tone been this direct with you, “Why now?”
“Ah….uh….” You ran a hand through your hair and rubbed at your scalp out of frustration at yourself, why was this so hard?
“We all thought you didn’t make it, karkat said, that everyone pays their dues to the game and yours were too high. Then last week we all got together to catch up, Karkat tells me that you’re alive because eridan saw you a year ago and took a picture and gave it to karkat.” You pause to take a deep breath and keep going, “Karkat asked me to come see if you’re still alive-” You then quickly add, “I would have done it without him asking me. If I had known you were alive I would have been here sooner.”
Gamzee is quiet for a while and you’re too scared to look at him, then he gets up without a word. You turn and his back is to you as he walks back to his shed, you get up and go after him.
“Gamzee wait- I’m sorry, I just-” You grab his wrist, “Wait let me talk-” He snatches away from you and when he turns, he’s smiling, though it’s not reflected in his eyes.
“Tav, a brother is more than bursting at the seams with joy at having someone as miraculous as you coming to find me, but you don’t have to stay.” What? “Tell karbro you up and found me and I’m okay, there’s no need to stay-” Is he really trying to do this? “-Last thing I’d want to do is put you in a bad place, it wouldn’t be good for you-” He wasn’t even looking at you!
He was looking past you.
“Stop it!” You snapped, gamzees eyes widened and his smile slipped, “Gamzee no offense, but I have spent so, so long being told what was good for me and all it got me was my legs broken and eventually just, cut off altogether.” Remember what your ancestor told you, you are enough. More than Enough. “Yes, karkat asked me to come here, but if I’d known you were here, I would have been here sooner. I would have looked for you!” You find it harder and harder to keep looking at him.
“Can I- No- I /will/ stay with you, I can help you work on your…hive-“ we’ll call it that even though they both know it’s a shed, “it’s the least I can do, as soon as it’s done, I’ll leave if you still want me to.” You’d respect his decisions no matter what.
You are tavros and your emotions are getting the best of you now more than ever. You were too close to give up now, you’d never give up on something you believed in ever again. If it mattered to you then it mattered period.
== > Let’s be….gamzee?
Sure.
You are now the purple blooded troll whos one step from having to pick his jaw up off the fuckin floor.
In all the sweeps you’d spend around tavros, hardly had you ever see his anger peak like this before. It wasn’t like tavros had always been this mousy demure dude either, sometimes he was a downright snarky fuck. Sure, his trolling attempts weren’t the best and he never did stand up for himself more but they didn’t have the same moments that gamzee had with him. The late nights spitting sick fires, Fiduspawn jam sessions, and the real ability of endurance tavros had.
They weren’t there to help tavros after he’d leapt from that cliff like gamzee was.
Now wasn’t the time to dwell on that memory. Now it was one to make a decision.
You have to turn him away, you have to reject him. Your fists are clenched at your sides and your jaw is set. You have to say no. You have to tell him to leave and never come back. That you’re poison. That you’re not well. How you awake in the night and wail at the moon, demanding that your caretaker be returned.
== > Gamzee, say no.
You’re looking at the cutest motherfucker and you realize life was cruel to him, fate was cruel to him, but you cannot be cruel to him. You cannot turn him away, you cannot isolate yourself any further when you spent countless nights yearning for someone to talk to. You were granted grace in this moment. You sigh deeply and your shoulders sag.
You want to believe this is a bad idea but you just…..you just can’t. That part of you that yearned and ached for the innocent whimsy from you wiggerlhood never left. Its holding on tighter than you ever thought possible and you’re tired of denying yourself the relief and joy of truer happiness. For how long must you punish yourself like this?
“Alright tavbro, if you don’t mind the mess ‘n all that.” His smile and the way he lights up was enough to put a motherfucker 6 feet under.