Chapter Text
{Lily}
Lily pulled her transfiguration book out of her bag and dropped it down onto the desk in front of her. Her eyes didn’t leave Professor McGonagall, who was speaking at the front of the room. She was vaguely aware of Remus, who was sitting next to her, arms crossed on the desk and head pillowed on them.
Lily was getting increasingly worried about her friend, who hadn’t even bothered unpacking his bag. Remus had dark circles under his eyes, and he looked permanently on watch. As if he was expecting someone to leap from the shadows and drag him away.
She glances behind her shoulder, and makes eye contact with James who was watching Remus with a frown on his face. James wrinkles his brow and Lily shrugs slightly, before turning back around.
“Rem? We’ve got a test soon. You might wanna take some notes.” Lily says softly, nudging Remus with her elbow. It’s unlike him to not put any effort into his school work, even after full moons.
Remus turns his head to look up at her, expression blank. “Does it really matter? No one will hire me after school anyway.”
Lily frowns. “Remus-”
“Miss Evans and Mr Lupin, please pay attention.” McGonagall scolds, but it lacks the usual anger. She seems resigned, and her eyes are sad as she turns back towards the chalkboard.
Lily returns to her notes, ignoring the empty feeling in her chest.
She’s sitting in the owlery, on the carefully bird poop free window sill, staring out over the grounds. The trees are bare and there's a biting chill in the air, so Lily’s wrapped in her cloak, the hood pulled over her head.
The owl she’s waiting for, a tawny, flies into view and she bites her lip nervously. To keep in contact with her family, there’s a neat little system that Hogwarts has set up. They send mail which goes intercepted by the post office in Hogsmeade, who then transfer the package to an owl and vice versa.
Lily holds out her arm and Apollo lands on it gracefully. She scratches his head before carefully untying the scroll of parchment from his leg and allowing him to fly into the owlery. Lily takes a deep breath before unrolling it.
It’s not that she’s expecting bad news, just that letters from home are rarely pleasant. Between her parents' high expectations and sisters bitterness, Lily constantly feels like she’s not good enough.
Lily,
How are classes going so far? Are you still at the top? Only kidding sweetheart, we know you are. You’re our brilliant daughter.
Nothing much has happened since last time we wrote; dad is up for a promotion at work! We might do some renovations if he gets it so fingers crossed. Your room would be first, so perhaps when you come home for Christmas you can have a look at some paint colours.
We had dinner with Eileen the other night, she was dreadfully quiet. Kept muttering something about werewolves, so be safe? How is Severus anyway? We haven’t seen him in what seems like forever. We’ll have to do tea sometime.
Petunia would add her own two-pence in but she’s out with that boyfriend of hers. Maybe if she studied more, she’d get grades like yours.
Talk soon,
Mum and Dad
Who knew they could manage to make Lily cry with a seemingly harmless letter? The tears leave wet tracks on her cheeks that stings in the cold. She’s not even sure about which part of the letter bothered her the most.
Her parents ignoring how she is and asking about her grades? Eileen Prince, the mother of her ex best friend? The fact that said ex best friend was almost murdered by her other friend? It’s probably all of the above, with the comparison to her older sister as the cherry on top.
Why can’t her parents see the pain they’re unknowing inflicting on her and Petunia? The jokes they make about Tunia’s grades and Lily’s love life have teeth, and they’re sharp. Lily and Petunia’s relationship has been rocky for years and it’s like their parents enjoy pitting them against each other.
Lily stares at the parchment in her hands, the tears in her eyes making the words indecipherable. She doubts that it’ll ever sting less.
Lily is about to get down and walk back to the castle when one of the owls hoots softly in response to a newcomer. She hurriedly slips the letter into her pocket and wipes away her tears. Pandora Lupin emerges, frowning thoughtfully.
“Hello Lily.” She greets softly.
“Hi Pandora.” Lily returns, avoiding her curious eyes.
Pandora moves to stand beside Lily, leaning her elbows on the sill next to Lily’s legs. The pair are quiet for a minute, or several, Lily isn’t really sure. She’s enjoying the presence of another person, it’s grounding.
“How is he?” Lily asks, not looking away from the bleak scottish landscape.
“I’m not sure.” Pandora mutters. “He’s never really… talked to me. He seems to be settling in though.”
Lily scrunches her nose. “Older siblings. They always underestimate how much we can help.” She sighs.
Pandora giggles, the sound twisting through the breeze and warming Lily from the inside. “I know he’s my big brother and he’s supposed to protect me, but I want to wrap him in blankets and lock him away.”
“If you gave him books I think he’d go.” Lily muses, the mental image of Remus wrapped in three blankets with a book in his lap making her smile fondly.
“Mmm. How are you doing? Must be hard, you were Sirius’ friend too.” Pandora knocks her shoulder against Lily’s, gently.
Lily is caught off guard by the question. She’s spent so much time worrying about how Remus, James and Peter are all feeling that she’s kind of shoved her own feelings to the side. Looking back now, that doesn’t seem at all healthy or fair to herself.
Picking through her emotions now is like trying to catch butterflies. Chasing one, but not reaching it and getting distracted by another. She’s obviously angry, they all are. There’s sadness, a bit of disappointment.
“I- I miss having Remus around.” Lily shakes her head lightly. “I know why he doesn’t want to be, but it’s still hard.”
“I’m worried about him.” Pandora confesses. “He’s never been particularly loud but he’s still quieter than usual.”
“It’s only been a week, and he’s the one Sirius hurt. I’m sure he’ll be better with time.” Lily says uncertainly, like she’s not sure if she’s reassuring herself or Pandora. It’s probably both.
“All we can do is support him.”
And she’s right. Sometimes you need to accept that you can’t help someone, as much as you’d like to. All they can do for Remus is stand beside him, providing him the support and love he needs.
After saying good bye to Pandora, Lily set off to find Slughorn. She navigates through the castle, taking time to smile and say hello to the younger students. She is a prefect.
There’s a group of boys, maybe in fourth year, having a snowball fight in the middle of the courtyard when she passes by. She can only think that the marauders should be out there, multiplying the snow and pegging it at each other.
A stray snowball whizzes past her head and falls to the floor ahead, the snow scattering across the floor. Lily glares at the boy closest to her, who raises his eyebrow in question. Lily knows a challenge when she sees one, she is friends with Marlene McKinnon after all.
She nods and jumps over the wall, wordlessly summoning a clump of snow into her hand. Lily rolls it and takes aim, hitting one of the Hufflepuffs in the side of the head. His jaw drops in offence and hell breaks loose, snowballs flying everywhere.
It’s nice to not have to worry about serious things for a while, taking a break to be a teenager. She’s been so tangled in the drama that she had forgotten how it feels to just laugh.
The boy from earlier and Lily duck behind a column to catch their breaths.
“I’m Nate, you are?”
“Lily. Thanks for letting me join you guys.”
Nate clicks his tongue and grins at her. “You looked like you needed to throw something.”
Lily bursts out laughing, because he’s right, isn’t he?
{Remus}
People are watching him anxiously, as if he’s a bomb they’re waiting for to go off. Some people are curious, like they’re anticipating the explosion and others, the smarter people, are worried about the wreckage he’ll leave in his wake. Everywhere Remus turns, he’s met by stares and whispers.
Remus knows what they’re saying anyway. It’s all speculation about what happened between Sirius, rumors flying around wildly. Some of them have more truth to them then others, but none of them are right. And no one has summoned up the courage to ask him about it.
Though that last part probably has something to do with the guard of Slytherins constantly around him, ready to throw punches or curses. He imagines it looks a bit ridiculous, a marauder wandering around with his own bodyguards but it’s effective.
“How did you study for your OWLs? Was the body double method working or nah?” Barty asks him, nose in a book. They’re walking down a corridor towards the library.
Remus has learnt over the past week that there’s more to the slytherins then he’d previously believed. Barty, for example, is actually quite academically accomplished, straight O’s in every subject. He doesn’t like to flaunt his grades though, being similar to Sirius in that sense.
“James was too annoying for body doubling, but it worked with Lily.” Remus answers. He gently takes Barty’s elbow, and guides him away from a column he was about to collide with. Barty doesn’t even look up.
“Can we give it a go? I’ve got an exam tomorrow.”
“Yeah alright, I need to work on my transfig anyway.”
They lapse into silence, Remus continuing to make sure Barty doesn’t ruin his face on a wall, or trip down the stairs. The silence continues when they walk into the library and as they choose their seats in a back corner.
Barty finally puts his book on herbology down, sitting across from Remus and folding his hands neatly. Remus meets his gaze unwavering, daring him to ask whatever question is clearly on his mind.
“Do you want him back?”
There it is.
“Why would I?” Remus answers blandly, flipping open his own textbook.
Barty shrugs, his blue eyes still piercing Remus. “Your massive crush on him.”
Remus startles, almost dropping the book down on the table. He closes it gently and sets it to the side, leaning forward so he can speak quieter without anyone overhearing.
“How the fuck-”
“People are easy to read.”
“Well don’t.” Remus hisses.
Barty leans back in his chair, eyes glinting. “You did something stupid, didn’t you? It’d have to be before the incident…”
Remus avoids his knowing gazes, feeling his cheeks heat up.
It doesn’t take Barty long to figure it out from there, because, well. Even if it wasn’t blindingly obvious, Barty is a problem solver at his core. “You kissed him! Or he kissed you.”
Remus sinks down in his chair, so his shoulders are level with the edge of the table. “Two days before he told Snape. It was late and I just leaned over.”
Barty leans forward, resting his elbows on the table and with unshakable determination he says “it’s not your fault he told Snape. I don’t care how he reacted afterwards, his decisions are his and his only.”
Can this bastard read minds? Now Remus is fighting back tears in the middle of the goddamned library.
“I shouldn’t have-”
“A kiss doesn’t warrant exposing someone like that, Remus. Fuck him.” Barty pauses and seems to consider something. “Not literally though.”
Despite himself, Remus smiles. Barty reminds him of James a little bit, Remus likes him.
Even though he’s a bit of a wanker.
They sit in the library for a few hours, only stopping occasionally to ask the other a work related question. The sun is low in the sky, when Peter finds them in their sanctuary.
Peter slams his hand down on the table, looking unimpressed. Remus jumps at the sudden loud noise, and Barty cusses Peter out for disrupting them. Peter’s bored expression doesn’t budge as he takes the insults.
“Dinner’s come and gone. You’ve got everyone searching the castle for you both.” Peter tells them, when Barty takes a breath.
Remus checks his watch, surprised at how fast the time has gone. “Oh. Shit.”
Now that it’s been called attention to, his stomach feels empty and his mouth dry. They wordlessly pack up their stuff as Peter supervises, making sure they don’t get distracted again.
“Come on, to the kitchen with you.” Peter prods, taking Barty’s bag and slinging it over his shoulder.
“Do you think there’s any leftover roast?” Barty asks, bounding after Peter.
“I’ve gotta meet Regulus for rounds. I’ll eat on my way back to the dorm.” Remus calls after the pair of them.
Peter stops and turns to look at him. “You sure Rem?”
“Yeah, ‘course.”
Barty tugs on Peter’s arm and the pair of them continue walking towards the kitchens.
“Don’t shag in the kitchen! It’s unsanitary!” Remus can’t stop himself from yelling.
“Fuck you, Lupin!” Peter yells back, and then they’re gone.
Remus smiles fondly and sets off to find Regulus, who’s likely waiting for him already.
{James}
James sighs and glances to the side to watch two potential keepers try and block Marlene from getting a goal. It’s the time of year to start replacing members of the team, and training for the first quidditch match of the year. The first term of school is reserved for getting back into being at school, without any distractions.
Frank and Alice graduated last year, leaving Mary with the captaincy. She deserves it, one of the best chasers the team has ever had, and he’s happy for her. But James can’t help to feel a tiny bit jealous of her.
Mary flies to a halt next to him, chewing her bottom lip anxiously. “None of them are catching my eye. Have you seen anyone you like?”
James hasn’t even been able to watch the beaters, it feels wrong. Almost like he’s betraying Sirius by doing so, which is stupid. It’s Sirius’ own fault he got kicked off the team, and they can’t just never play again out of solidarity with him.
“The keeper to the left? Number 4? Not as good as Frank but…”
“He can get better.” Mary finishes for him.
James nods in agreement. He appreciates that she’s trying to involve him (and Marlene) in the process, not because they’d asked her to but because she’s that considerate. James would be too caught up in his excitement for the thought to cross his mind if it were him.
That’s probably why the badge went to her and not him, now that he thinks about it.
Mary throws a quaffle to James, startling him. He catches it out of pure reflex, the movement having been drilled into him for years. He could catch a quaffle in his sleep, and score a goal with it too.
“What was that for?”
There’s a cheeky glint in Mary’s eyes. “Go tell Marls to wrap it up, then the three of us can have a quick game.”
One of the perks of being friends with the other chasers on your team is the drills. The three of them do their drills of course, but they’re more fun when you get on with your teammates. The game Mary is referring to is one not unlike stuck in the middle, but a hundred metres up.
James salutes her. “You got it boss.”
James leaves the bathroom, towel slung on his waist. He very much didn’t fancy having to walk back from the locker rooms through the cold with wet hair, so he walked back to his dorm to shower there. No one was in the room when he got here, but now he’s greeted by a wolf whistle.
“Looking good Potter.” Barty tells him, a lollipop stick hanging out of his mouth. He was laying on James’ bed, but now he’s perked up.
Peter throws a spare bit of parchment at Barty’s head from floor between his bed and James’. “Leave him alone Bat.”
James feels himself flush as Barty rakes his gaze down his body again. “Why are you in my bed?”
“I said he couldn’t sit on mine.” Peter supplies, watching James with an odd expression.
James raises an eyebrow and moves towards his set of drawers, aiming to find his pajamas. “Right. Of course.”
“Has Mary landed on new members?” Peter asks, watching him move around the room. Unlike Barty, Peter seems to have a scrap of decency and doesn’t look like he wants to eat James whole.
“Uhh. Maybe? Oh and she told me to tell you to meet her downstairs, apparently there's an update with the Maria thing.”
“I bet the crazy hag has done something unhinged again.” Peter says, standing and smoothing out his shirt. He’d abandoned his outer robes and tie earlier, leaving him in his button up shirt.
“Wasn’t she the one who threatened to burn down ravenclaw tower?”
James tunes them out, throwing on one of Remus’ jumpers and sliding on a pair of boxers, using the towel to avoid the others prying looks. Usually he’s not so modest, but he’s always felt more self conscious around Peter, for reasons he won’t explore.
James joins Barty on his bed, although he sits leaning back against the headboard and his feet by Barty’s hips. Barty shoves them away, and James moves them back towards him just to be annoying. He eventually gives up, and dumps James’ feet into his lap so they’re not poking his side.
Peter watches the exchange fondly. “You’re fucking ridiculous, the both of you.”
“I resent that.” Barty replies, pointing his lollipop at him menacingly.
“Pity.” Peter snarks.
James is endeared and a smidge jealous of their easy banter. Their snark and their poorly disguised love for each other reminds him of him and Sirius a bit. The comparison makes his heart ache and he longs for his best friend back.