Chapter Text
In the morning, Emerald and I sat on the boardwalk to watch the sunrise.
“How are you doing?” he asked. “It’s been a while since we’ve had time to talk.”
“It’s going alright enough,” I said.
“What have you been up to? With your friend? You’ve been spending a lot of time at that store.”
A smile started to worm its way across my face at the mention of Lars. I tried to bite it back. “He’s been teaching me how to bake. It’s been really nice. Helps keep me distracted.”
“Distracted from what?”
I hesitated. We hadn’t talked much about my worries, save for when we first arrived. About my conflicted feelings being separated from the Diamonds. I’d kept it so close to my chest, only confiding in Lars for the most part, because it seemed like he understood what I was going through better than anyone– even Emerald.
“Everything, I guess,” I said. “I’ve felt restless since we got here. Like I need to keep myself busy.” Then, softly, “How are you doing?”
He looked away from me. “I’ve been good, honestly. Garnet and Pearl showed me where the warp pads are, and I’ve been exploring more of Earth. I didn’t really have much time to look around last time I was here.”
I nodded.
“Maybe you could come with me sometime?” he asked. “We always talked about where we would go if we found ourselves on Earth someday, and now…” he laughed softly. “Well, we finally have the chance.”
Something about his nonchalance grated at me. Earth wasn’t supposed to be a vacation. Was he really thinking about sightseeing while I was still trying to recover what semblance of stability was left in my life?
I sighed. “I’m glad this is funny to you.”
“What?” He turned to look at me. “Oh, Turquoise, I didn’t mean it like that. I only meant– I think this could be a nice distraction too, getting out and seeing more of this world. It’s been a long time since we’ve had the chance to travel, just the two of us.”
“Perhaps it would be.”
“It’s over,” he said, putting his hand on top of mine. “We’re free. No one can control us anymore. We finally have the opportunity to figure out who we are, to be our own people. I guess… I guess I’m just a little confused, why you’re so upset about that.”
“Emerald, I don’t know how to be my own person. It’s different for you– you fought in the Rebellion. You had the chance to live a life away from Homeworld. But for me… it’s all I’ve ever known. My entire life has been spent in service. Lars says it too, that I need to find my own purpose. It’s so nice being around him, doing things with him, but what if I’m just in service to him too? Just looking for a replacement. What if–” I choked a little, my throat tight. “--what if I wasn’t meant to be a person?”
His expression softened a little. “Turquoise…”
He wrapped his arms around me. I sobbed, and he ran his hand through my hair, holding me tight as I cried.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I know this is difficult for you, I just… I didn’t realize how much you’re struggling.”
“It’s okay,” I choked out. “I’ve been trying my best to hide it. Push it deep down so I don’t have to think about it. ‘Cause it’s easier that way, you know? To pretend like nothing’s wrong.”
“I know. But that’s not good for you.”
“I know.”
We watched the sun rise over the horizon, light spilling across the surface of the water. Waves lapped at the support beams of the boardwalk, sending a fine mist of water upwards into the air. Emerald left after a while, but I wanted to stay. I stared out at the ocean, at the waves I spent so much time admiring, and it was so quiet.
I heard a voice creeping up on me. Steven was humming a faint song under his breath, but as he passed, I heard him pause and circle back to stand next to me.
“Hey, Turquoise.” He leaned over to look at my face. “You look kinda serious. What are you thinkin’ about?”
I wasn’t sure how to answer. I was thinking about a lot of things, if I was being honest, but they all blurred together anytime I tried to look closer.
“Every time I think about what I should be doing, I think about her,” I said.
Steven cocked his head. “Who?”
“My Diamond.” Even saying her name made my stomach feel hollow. “Blue Diamond.”
I saw something shift behind his eyes– something like determination. He grabbed my hand and pulled me to my feet. He had a lot more strength than I expected.
“That’s it!” he exclaimed. “I know how to make you feel better!”
“What-?!” I tried to protest, but he was already dragging me towards the nearest warp pad.
“Blue!” Steven called as we made our way up the stone steps to reach the crest of her plateau.
She was beautiful. Surrounded by her Lapis Lazulis and Aquamarines, gems that I was all-too-familiar with, she looked like a paragon of grace. This was the Diamond I had served for two-thousand years, one who I seldom got the privilege to breathe the same air as, let alone look in the eye. But here she was. I saw her. And she saw me.
“Steven,” she said, her voice heavy with that familiar musing quality. “You’ve come to visit me again. Who is it you’ve brought with you?”
Just like he had when we were in Spacetries, Steven looked at me for permission to make introductions. However, this time, I froze. I couldn’t believe that I was here in the presence of a Diamond– my Diamond. And even though I knew she wasn’t mine anymore, that the roles of ruler and servant had dissolved with the rest of the Diamond Authority, the weight of her presence felt heavy on my chest. It took all I had to remind myself to breathe.
So I did what had been drilled into my head since I first emerged from that cliffside all those eons ago, what I was expected to do in the presence of those of higher standing than me: I bowed.
“My Diamond…” I breathed, my voice barely above a murmur.
I expected her to heed me no mind. I expected her to sweep past me and indulge Steven in another one of his stories.
I didn’t expect her to kneel in front of me, or to cup her massive hands around my body, so tiny and lanky in comparison to her grandiose form. I was barely taller than one of her slender fingers.
“There is no need to call me that,” she said. “I am not your Diamond anymore.”
“That’s why we’re here,” Steven said. “Turquoise has been having a rough time dealing with the transition, and I thought… you know, maybe seeing you– hearing it from you might help.”
Her gaze burned against my skin, and I knew it was full of pity. “Turquoise. What do you want?”
“I want–” My voice wavered. “I want to be useful.”
“Useful to whom?” she asked.
“To you, of course. You’re– you’re my Diamond. I’ve been trying so hard to enjoy being on Earth, but it’s difficult to do things for myself. I’ve only ever served you.”
She shook her head. A wave of shimmering blue light swept across the room, and I felt tears bubble up and over my eyelids. Even Steven had to take a step back to brace himself.
“All this time, I’ve made my gems feel inadequate. I’ve ordered them around without a second thought to what they wanted to do, who they wanted to be.”
Her words were soft. Effervescent. They carried through the air like a gentle wave.
“Turquoise… how many of your kind are left?”
“...I’m the only one, Your Grace.”
“And why is that?”
I hesitated.
Turquoises were said to dispel negative emotions. They brought balance to others, emotionally-speaking, but that meant they were susceptible to overwhelming bursts of emotions themselves. It was a flaw in our design that hadn’t been noticed until the last millennia or so, but in that timespan, all of my siblings had either been shattered for defecting or for other reasons– I'd seen my sisters fall victim to their own gems, fractures turning to cracks, their forms destabilizing, and then– then, when it was all too much–
I was the only one left. The only one who stayed loyal to my responsibility. My responsibility to serve, no matter what the cost; my responsibility to my Diamond.
I shuddered.
“...because I’m stronger,” I said. “I know my– my place, my duties. Please, my Diamond, let me be useful. I need to be useful.”
I was kneeling in the palm of her hand, my hands splayed out against her skin. My fingers trembled. I could hear the unvoiced whispers of the Gems around us. They pitied me. Wished I could be less naive. Lamented my misfortune, lamented how my loyalty clouded my judgment, but it wasn’t true. It couldn’t be true! I wasn’t foolish– I was doing my job. My duty. That’s all I wanted to do. My duty. My duty.
“You mustn’t carry on like this,” Blue said. “The best way you can be of use to me is to be your own gem.” Then, her voice softened. “That is my last order to you as your Diamond. Make your own choices, Turquoise.”
I felt my head grow cold as the realization of what she said sunk in. I tried to open my mouth, to beg one last time, but my tongue wouldn’t move, and I was unable to make even the tiniest of sounds.
“No,” I whispered. “No, please. Please, my Diamond, I–”
I choked on the words. It felt like my entire world was crashing down around me, collapsing under the weight of what she’d done to me– her command, her final command as my ruler– and it was impossible to hear anything else besides the rushing in my ears. If the news of the Diamond Authority’s dissolution was a supernova… I didn’t have words to describe what this was.
Steven guided me back to the warp pad, and we made the trip back to Little Homeworld in silence. When we returned, Emerald was pacing back and forth in the hallway outside our room, wringing his hands anxiously.
“Where have you been?” He asked.
“We… took a trip to see Blue Diamond,” Steven said. “She needs some time alone, I think.”
I looked at my reflection in the mirror. I dreaded what I’d find.
And my worries were correct. Starting in the corner, right where cerulean skin met the smooth glass of my gem, there was a small fracture. Barely noticeable. But still there.
“Emerald,” I whispered. “Emerald, it’s happening.”
I heard him startle from where he was sitting and in moments he was ushering me over to the bedside. His hands brushed my gem, feeling it delicately. They were gentle hands, ones that had scanned me for damage hundreds of times before. This time, they faltered.
“This is fine,” he said, his voice teetering between fine and pointedly not-fine. “It’s– it’s not a bad crack; it’s not spreading, and– and you’re gonna be okay.” Then, when my expression didn’t change: “I’m going to go get Steven. He can help, okay?”
They returned soon after.
Steven took a knee in front of me, while Emerald stood by the door, worry evident in his eyes and a hand pressed against his mouth in thought.
“I’m so sorry, Turquoise,” Steven said. “I thought talking to her would help give you some closure.”
“It’s okay,” I whispered. “Please don’t blame yourself.”
He looked down at his hand. “This is gonna be gross, but it should heal you.”
He licked his palm, then pressed it against my gem. I recoiled slightly, the sensation strange. A faint pink glow filled the room, and dimmed just as quickly as it appeared.
Steven pulled his hand away, smiling gently. “See? That wasn’t so…”
He froze.
I knew what that look meant.
“…Emerald?” He asked, his voice suddenly small.
My partner crossed the room and crouched down next to us, examining my gem again. His lips tightened into a thin line.
“This isn’t good,” Steven said.
“Why?” I asked. “What’s wrong?”
I fiddled with the hem of my shirt while they spoke. I didn’t know what else to do with my hands.
“I’ve seen this before, with my mom’s old Pearl. Pink abused her, and she had a crack on her gem that she couldn’t heal until she dealt with that trauma. I think that’s what’s happening here too.”
“But Turquoise wasn’t abused.”
“Soldiers experience it too. Or at least, the human equivalent of it. ‘Post-traumatic stress.’ Maybe… since Gems don’t really have a physical form, their gem is the only place they can direct that pain?”
“That would make sense,” Emerald muttered. “Turquoise is the only one of her facet that’s left. They’re designed to draw in the energy of others, but there was an– an error in their design, that causes them to break when too much is absorbed at once. Was Pink Diamond’s Pearl able to fix her condition?”
“Eventually,” Steven said. “But it wasn’t quick. It can take humans years to recover. Heck, I still haven’t really worked through my stuff. It wasn’t until she and Pearl– our Pearl– were able to talk about what Mom did to them that it improved at all.”
“And if Turquoise’s crack isn’t just from one incident, but from millenia of absorbing the negative emotions of everyone around her…”
Steven nodded.
“We have to be careful,” Emerald concluded, “until we can figure out our best course of action.”
“I’ll talk to Volleyball and Pearl. They’ll be more than happy to help.”
“Okay. Thank you, Steven.”
“Take it easy,” he told me before he left.
When it was just the two of us, Emerald sat next to me on the bed. He pressed his forehead against mine and exhaled shakily.
“I’m sorry,” I said. I couldn’t think of anything else to say.
“It’s okay,” he said. “It’s going to be okay. I’ll fix this.”
I didn’t leave my room for a few days. I just laid there, staring at the ceiling, willing myself into bouts of ‘sleep’ that were interrupted frequently by what Steven called ‘nightmares’, twisted fragments of my imagination that served to torment me. Eventually, I lost track of how long I’d spent there; I lost track of how many sunrises I saw come and go through the window.
I longed to feel the fresh air on my face, but Emerald made me stay in bed as much as possible. He didn’t want me overexerting myself. He checked on me a lot, along with Steven, both making sure I was okay. Was I okay? I didn’t know anymore. I felt hollow. My entire life was gone. In her last order to me she effectively destroyed what I had left of my purpose. What I was desperately clinging onto. Even though I knew I would never serve her again, I still thought that maybe if I begged, pleaded, maybe she would take pity on me. Maybe things could go back to how they used to be.
Things were easier when I had a directive. No room for interpretation when I had orders from my superiors. Gather information; ease gems into a sense of security by whatever means necessary, collect memories, collect statements– that was it. Get the information I needed. Meetings with Zircons to discuss evidence, testifying when needed– but I was always terrible at testifying. The Diamonds didn't mind, though, so long as I could get the memories. I could let the water do the talking.
I missed it, water flowing from my fingertips, recreating the scenes pulled from their memories. Bubbling forms reenacting their crimes for the courtroom. It felt like a show. And even if Emerald had to soothe me afterwards, running his hands through my hair as I sobbed, I still took pride in my work.
“Turquoise?” I heard Emerald ask. “Your friend is here. Should I let him in?”
“I don’t care,” I muttered, gripping at the soft, silky sheets on my bed. Oh, how the water would dance...
He sighed and left the room. A few moments later, there was a knock at the door.
I looked up. Lars was standing there. Under his arm was a couple of containers, and as he entered the room, he eyed the bedside table. “Hey, Turquoise. Been a while. I brought you some snacks.”
I nodded and pushed myself into a sitting position. He took it as his cue to continue.
“I know you’re not feeling great right now.” He set his containers down on the table and took a seat next to me on the edge of the bed. His movements were slow. Hesitant. “Steven told me what happened. I’m sorry.”
“Mm.”
“I can’t pretend like I know what you’re going through, because I really don’t, but… my offer still stands. We can still make cakes, and you can still come by Spacetries, and I’m still going to be your friend, and…” he rattled on, waving his hands a little emphatically before coming to a pause. “I’m rambling.”
A weak smile tugged at my lips. It was impossible not to smile at his exuberance.
“Yes, you are. But it’s cute.”
He covered his face with his hands, a dark pink blush spreading across his cheeks. “Cute?” He asked, sounding a little mortifiewd at the prospect. “‘m not cute!”
“You’re very cute,” I smiled, absent-mindedly brushing a strand of hair out of my face. This seemed to get his attention, and it took me a moment to realize why– he could see my gem.
He reached out a tentative hand and brushed his fingers against the surface of my gem, his touch feather-light, as if he was afraid of breaking me even more. No one besides Emerald had ever touched me so gently, but they both shared the same reverence, the same hesitation. I forced myself to let out a deep breath.
“It’s not… bad, yet,” I forced out, and his gaze met mine. “It could be worse. At least I’m still stable.”
“Is it going to get worse?” He sounded so worried.
“It depends.”
“On what?”
“On how I handle myself. If I let my emotions overwhelm me again… it could crack me even more.”
He paused. “Why is it happening?”
I didn’t know how to answer him at first. I didn’t want to lay down all of my burdens so suddenly, not when he was being so generous already. “Gems like me, we’re susceptible to it. Our emotions become so strong that the pressure builds up until it…” Then, softly: “... cracks.
“I’m the only one left. The only Turquoise in the entire galaxy. And part of me thought it was because I was stronger than the rest, that I knew my place, knew my orders– but really, I’m… starting to think it’s because I’m too good at lying to myself. I was never okay.”
His hand had come to rest gently against my cheek, rubbing his thumb in small circles against my gem. It felt nice, so nice, for him to touch me. It was a comfort. An unfamiliar comfort. Did other gems feel like this? Why had I never heard about it?
His eyes never left mine. They were half-lidded as he gazed up at me. Slowly, he leaned in, closing the distance between us. His hand slid from my gemstone down to my jaw, then further back so he could brush his fingers through my hair. And then he pressed his lips against mine.
It was strange, feeling them smushed against my mouth. They were warm and wet but somehow they slotted against mine in a way that almost felt… natural. As soon as it had happened, he reeled back, his face stained a dark fuschia. The hand that was carding through my hair retracted just as fast.
“I’m– I’m sorry,” he stammered, “I shouldn’t have done that. You’re a gem, and you’re– you’re hurt–”
“Lars,” I murmured. He bit his lip and looked up at me. “...can you do that again?”