Chapter Text
Jane wakes up to Maura carding her hand through dark curls, and she’s incredibly disoriented until she meets hazel eyes.
"time is it?”
The cranial carding and lingering doesn’t stop and Jane is completely unstuck in time until Maura calmly states “almost 2”.
“Wha..? Marta??”
“I told her the bedroom was off-limits. You needed your rest.”
“Ma…”
“Still has no idea you’re here. Nobody does. And Kent agreed to…”
“Uggghhhhh” Jake muffles dramatically into the pillow, finally awake just enough to be able to give Maura a hard time.
“You have got to let the Kent thing go”, Maura says through a chuckle. She’s sitting on the edge of the bed, left hand still massaging Jane’s scalp, and the other casually resting on the inside of her right thigh. “He’s working over overtime so I can be here”
“I didn’t say anything” Jane denies with the faux innocence Angela and Maura have spent nights equal parts revelling in and lamenting over as they shared expensive tea and ricotta pound cake.
“You exhaled very loudly”
“I just woke up!!!!”
Maura laughs with abandon and it clears the remaining sleepy cobwebs from Jane’s brain.
Her body jolts up like it’s used to, both hands wiping the sleep from her eyes.
One of Maura’s hands got dislodged from her head in the effort but the other still feels heavy on her thigh, and Maura doesn’t seem to notice any of this as she recites the Rizzolli family schedule to Jane - Angela food shopping before her Dirty Robber shift, Frankie and Nina deep into the case Maura turfed to Kent, Tommy out on some job or another, TJ in his first grade classroom, and then his afterschool program until whatever Rizzoli is available to pick him up picks him up.
Jane’s heart breaks in the realization that it’s Maura reciting this family schedule to her and not the other way around.
She abandoned her family and Maura picked up the pieces.
Jane was only able to abandon her family because she knew Maura would be there to pick up the pieces.
She hates herself for it and she loves Maura for it and she and Maura have never talked about any of this even though they should have. But if they had, Jane would never have left in the first place.
It's a conversation for later. It is one of the thousand conversations they have decided to save for later.
It’s one of the thousand formative experiences Jane gave up - temporarily leaving and allowing the rest of the Rizzolis to fend for themselves - long before she met Maura, to ensure her family didn’t go bankrupt.
Jane’s spent many long lonely nights in her DC apartment reflecting on all of this, but she’s had just enough therapy to set aside the guilt and the obligation and the responsibility, for just long enough so that for right now, she is able to focus only on the gentle steady hand at her thigh.
“What time is TJ done?” she manages through a yawn.
Maura exhales in a way that’s indecipherable from her laugh.
“I thought you’d want to pick him up. I told Tommy I finished early today and could get him. I planned on a 4pm pick up, as long as that works….”
Jane loves her.
“That works”. Her voice breaks as she continues her deep inhales and exhales and stretches, all carefully orchestrated so that they don’t displace Maura’s hand from that sacred spot on her inner thigh.
“Good. I assumed you’d want t - oomph”
Jane got impatient, as Jane has always been wont to do, knowing what Maura was about to say, as Jane has always been wont to do.
God, she spent so many hours over so many years knowing what Maura was about to say, and putting most of her energy into resisting. Resisting her most primal physical urges (and winning), resisting her emotional and physical markers of impatience (and losing), resisting making snarky comments (50/50).
She’s held so tight against the onslaught of Maura’s feelings, and her own, that she’s never fully relaxed, for almost a decade.
But now she’s had almost 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep, after almost 8 hours of mostly-uninterrupted driving - to this bed, to this moment, with this girl, and her entire being feels loose in a way it hasn’t since she first heard the name “Charles Hoyt”.
She is hugging Maura tight, replying with a far too casual “sound good” as Maura struggles to breathe and speak and make eye contact.
Jane reluctantly allows it, even though all of her most basic instincts, the ones she never used to listen to, are begging her to hold on tight.
“Are you okay?” Maura asks conversationally, without trying to move any further from Jane’s embrace than is necessary to gauge her reaction, her eyes frantically mapping Jane’a face, doing the work she spent decades training them to.
“Yeah. I’m better than I’ve been for a really really long time.”
Marua smiles in response. So bright and earnest that Jane wants to kick herself for ever entertaining the idea that she could leave in search of something better. Something more.
“You said we have to pick up TJ at 4?”
“Mmhmm” Maura nods for emphasis, as Jane’s head inadvertently mirrors.
“So that means we have…” she looks at her watchless right hand resting just behind Maura’s neck…”at least an hour before we have to get ready to go?”
Maura laughs at Jane’s antics, but confirms both by her own wristwatch, briefly leaving its post at Jane’s waist, and the bedside alarm clock, that she’s correct. And she confirms her findings with a nod.
Jane moves her face close to Maura’s, in a way that can't be read anything other than romantic, the same way Maura did this morning. They share breath - two yogic, on Maura’s part, and at least 6 normal people ones on Jane’s - until Jane unceremoniously flips them, in a simple move she learned in her first weeks at the academy.
She bridal sweeps Maura, under the knees and behind the back, until she’s flat in the middle of the bed - well, just right of middle, in her enormous California King bed - and Jane holds herself in a plank, by her weaker arm, as she refuses to move her dominant hand where it landed under Maura’s lower head and neck.
Maura responds with a (very cute, Jane catalogs for later) yelp, and then an ‘oof’ as her torso hits the bed. And then she’s just still and happy; totally trusting in her expression and demeanor as Jane gently exists on top of her, and around her.
Jane loves her.
Maura smiles, and then laughs, almost silently, as Jane takes her in. And then Jane leans in and Maura goes silent.
Jane leans in - their third attempt at this type of proximity - giving Maura just enough leeway to refuse her. Instead, Maura stays resolute, with one hand holding steady in its usual place on Jane’s lower back, and the other lovingly pushing Jane’s curls out of both of their way.
Jane is steadfastly holding herself above Maura in a pseudo-plank with one arm; she holds the record among the instructors - with a respectable 3:56 - and is ranked top 20 even among the recruits, which means she’s got time before she starts to waver.
She’s got time. They’ve got time.
She leans down - still holding tight a few inches over Maura’s body, which will become a thing she’ll happily be good-naturedly teased about in the future, but feels impossibly important now - and lets her lips meet Maura’s for the first time.
She’s kissed women before, a few of them, in this newfound freedom that cost her almost everything, and maybe it was worth it because she categorized them, the kissing and whatever came after, as ‘not-Maura’. As nice as any given experience felt, which sometimes felt incredibly nice and what Maura would call evidence supporting a hypothesis; the ‘not-Maura’ of it all was too overwhelming to ignore.
But this is Maura.
This is Maura .
Everything that’s happening now feels so overwhelmingly Maura, her body and her voice and that perfume she loves, so much so that Jane won’t notice for minutes that she’s dropped her plank, her whole body settling on top of Maura’s with both her legs settled left of Maura’s and both their torsos pressed together, with Jane holding herself aloft on both elbows as Maura’s hand’s continue to explore.
They’re kissing and they’re kissing and they’re kissing. Mouths meeting over and over with tongues making tentative overtures that are greedily accepted. Jane’s hands in fists on either side of Maura’s head and Maura’s hands making well worn patterns over dark locs and tight muscles.
She’s kissing Maura and it’s so much better that she ever imagined it would be. She’s mostly silent in the way she’s always been during sex - not that this is sex - but Maura is vocal: heaving and gasping, and moaning, and saying Jane’s name.
Saying Jane’s name in a way that makes Jane’s abs and biceps and triceps tremble, even as her forearms hold steady.
They stop to catch their breath and Jane’s head cants towards Maura’s, forehead resting on chin, as Maura mostly-blindly swipes at Jane’s lips to clear away her own lipstick.
Jane catches her breath and chances a view at Maura, and then her breath is sucked right back out of her lungs. Maura is gorgeous in the way she always is, and happy and hopeful in the way Jane’s only seen her in her best moments, but she’s also kiss-worn - her own lipstick smeared - and turned on. Her chest is still heaving, lungs trying to take in the air. Jane is equally deprived of oxygen, as she continues to revel, her brain taking it all in, while her own respiratory system catches up.
She’s starstruck, gobsmacked, in the way her friends were as kids, deciding which New Kid on the Block they all liked best.
But, as her body begins to function again, out of necessity, to the tune of Maura’s quiet laughter, she is beginning to realize the reality; that of a lot of the teenage cliches she used to believe were only metaphor could be very very real.
She’s spent hundreds of hours watching Maura’s throat bob in amusement in response to her antics. And now she finally lets herself revel in it.
She lowers her forehead to the lower part of Mauras neck, on the juncture that gives way to collarbones, to feel Maura’s laughter and Maura’s mindfully deep breaths, and she knows she’ll fight the entire federal government alone, if that’s what it takes to get her out of the contract she signed while she was refusing to indulge in this mild fantasy she’s lucky enough to be living.
She starts to kiss that spot, just between Maura’s scapula and hyoid. And then moves up to Maura’s neck. Over her carotid pulse, banging much slower than Jane’s own, but faster than Jane’s ever experienced it. And up to her ear, sucking in the metallic taste of whatever fancy earrings she’s wearing and then the chemical tang of whatever she dabbed behind her lobe that morning as Jane watched.
Jane lets out her own ‘mmmmhm’ against her right cheek as Maura turns so they’re once again briefly making eye contact, and initiates the kiss Jane was about to give her anyway.
It’s deep and wet and Maura’s hips jolt in search of friction even though she doesn’t dare move her legs towards Jane’s own, and Jane doesn't budge either. Although Jane’s right hand does gently ghost its way down Maura’s breast, and her ribcage, and her stomach, and she presses her thumb deep into the space just under Maura’s hip bone, until they both pull away in abrupt awareness of what they’re doing.
Jane is still bracing herself on her left forearm, facing Maura, as Maura mirrors her, and she pulls her into a brief sweet kiss, her right thumb now casually carding back and forth over her lower abdomen as Maura pushes back Jane’s curls and then cups her cheek.
They pull back and just stare at each other for awhile, non-dominant hands continuing to explore. Until Maura breaks their connection to look at something over Jane’s shoulder and reports “we have about 80 minutes until we have to pick up TJ”
“Well that’s a mood killer.” Jane says in her raspiest, most conspiratorial voice, and it doesn’t kill the mood at all. Maura kisses her again.
This time, Maura pulls away with purpose and Jane knows they’re in for a conversation, which is the exact opposite of what she wants right now.
“I’m sorry I told Marta not to disturb you. Did you miss any meetings or deadlines today? Do you have anything you need to prepare for?”
The statement and questions catch Jane so off-guard that laughs loudly in delight, instinctively grabbing Maura’s hand to hold against her ribcage so she can share in the joy.
Despite the visceral connection, Maura still seems a little perplexed, and Jane reassures her, “no, it’s still Friday, right? I don’t have anything scheduled until Monday, although I will have work to do this weekend.”
Maura loudly exhales in relief, almost certainly not for Jane ,but for her students.
Jane loves her.
She flashes back to Maura at the Dirty Robber, in the era where it was impossible to find even a slab of red meat - all tempura and sprouts and mung beans in its stead - overcome with relief that the Feds were not watching her. Not even flinching when Jane teased her by describing the hipster waiter as their lead agent, despite her long-standing aversion to teasing.
Jane was on edge from the case and took it out on Maura. And Maura just took it; actively listened and reveled in the fact she was free in that moment from Paddy’s influence, and ate fresh lavender straight off the table.
She’s always been so much better than Jane has ever deserved.
And Jane still mostly believes that.
But the distance, and her therapist, and the online dates, have taught her not to take Maura’s kind eyes, or her hand calmly caressing Jane’s cheek, or the leg she has gently moved over Jane’s right, calf roving up and down in a much more seductive than familiar way, for granted.
“I have today. I set aside today, just for you,” - Maura blushes at this - “and I know there’s a lot of decisions to make. In the short term and also” - she ducks her head - “in the long term, but could we just put that aside for now, just for the next…” She cranes her neck to glance at the clock. “72 minutes? And just talk tonight?”
“Tonight? How long are you staying?”
“Indefinitely?”
Jane gives a fake smile and Maura mirrors it almost exactly. Jane flashes back to the couch in her old apartment, sleep deprived and terrified, with Maura begging to stand guard, armed, against Hoyt.
Jane loves her.
“I have to finish up this semester. And I have to submit my official resignation; but I already have most of it written! The position required 2 probationary semesters, and I think I’ve done good so far, but I can still opt out on my end. I mean, you know, you read the contract...”
Maura nods.
They both know her expensive lawyer looked over the contract and explained it in layman's terms to Jane. They both know Maura’s expensive lawyer could get Jane out of it, even if she wasn’t cooperating as well as she intends to.
“So I have to do right by the FBI, and my landlord, and I know that will be a little complicated and require some time. But outside of that, I’m here. I’m yours.”
“Mmmm, I like the sound of that.”
Maura is beaming, and Jane realizes at least 50% of the conversation she’s been dreading is already over.
Maura is leaning over her and she is preparing for another kiss, any maybe even more, when she gets bypassed completely. Maura is leaning over her, uncomfortably so, as she fiddles with the alarm clock on the side table.
And then moves back to her side of the bed as though she didn’t just simultaneously manhandle Jane and entirely break whatever moment they were sharing.
“Whaaa?”
“We have 40 minutes completely to ourselves”. She’s so self-satisfied, and Jane knows she’s simply unaware and not ignoring Jane’s bewilderment and frustration over the last 90 seconds.
“You could have just set either of our phones, Maur.”
“Oh, no, you should never trust digital media. Analog is the way to go when you need to depend on the outcome.”
Jane, as always, is able to read between the lines. Maura promised she’d, they’d, pick up TJ at 4. And so nothing, not even this monumental change in their relationship, will stand in the way of that. And so Maura is ensuring that there’s no possible way TJ will be picked up late (even though Jane isn’t far enough out of the loop not to know that last pickup is at 5:45. And that TJ is almost certainly not aware that Aunt Maura arranged to get him sooner.) But Maura spent far too many practices and matches and recitals waiting for people who were never going to come, so Jane won’t ever begrudge her for making sure their nephew never has to feel that.
And Jane loves her.
But that doesn’t mean she won’t tease her at least a little.
“And what if the power goes out?”
“All my analog clocks have a battery backup. And I have a generator as well”.
“Of course you do”, Jane says like honey.
Maura smiles at both the tone and compliment. “I like to be prepared.”
“I know.”, and then a little less self-assured, “So you can manage me just crashing back into your life without any notice?”
Maura looks at her, and smiles at her, with so much certainly, that Jane balks.
And then Maura takes her turn to hover over Jane, in some yogic move so swift the FBI would be jealous, legs fully separate but torsos close,. Ever-careful Maura is giving Jane just as good as she got, but nothing more. And Jane loves her.
“You are always welcome here. You’re never an imposition. I want to be with you every moment I possibly can.”
Jane melts and Maura follows her, a slight steady pressure pushing her into the mattress.
Jane’s hands automatically go to Maura’s back, and move slowly but surely up as she pulls Maura close to her into a hug, Maura’s head nuzzled into her neck, her right palm resting steadfast over Jane’s heart, a position they’ve found themselves in hundreds of times before. But it feels completely new to Jane.
“I love you, Maur.”
She feels Maura’s smile against her neck.
“I know. I love you too, Jane.”
“So we’re doing this?”
“What?” Maura asks, faux innocently, but Jane knows better.
“Maura!”
Maura laughs in the unbridled way Jane’s family and colleagues assure her only happens in her presence, and Jane knows they’re going to be okay.
Maura, always the braver of the two of them when it comes to words, assures her anyway.
“We’re doing this. The thing you said this morning about wanting to come home to me? I want that too. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
Maura is saying all of this into Jane’s neck, and Jane isn’t sure if it’s solely for her comfort, or because it’s easier for Maura this way too.
“You can stay here, in this room, or in the guest room, or you can get your own place, whatever you need. Whatever you’re comfortable with. I just like it when you’re here.”
“I like it when I’m here too, Maur.”
“Yeah?”
It’s so sincere and so…colloquial, that Jane pulls back so they're looking at each other.
“ Yes. Outside of my parent’s old house, the one I grew up in. This is the only other place that’s ever felt like home.”
She shrugs, mostly out of insecurity, but Maura still stays right on top of her. And then Maura is kissing her again, gently and sweetly, and oh yeah they get to do this now.
Jane’s always been much better with actions than words, so she pours everything they can into the kiss. She doesn’t feel completely comfortable under Maura like this, but she also doesn’t feel stifled like she has under the weight of every man she’s been with. She tries, a few times, to physically take the upper hand, and Maura relents. They both know Jane could overtake Maura if she wanted, and they both know that barely matters because Maura would yield the moment Jane asked her to.
Maura is kissing her way down Jane’s chest, and her stomach, and her pelvis, and finally Jane says “wait” and it’s enough to halt Maura in her tracks.
She’s trying to catch her breath enough to ask, “how many minutes on the clock?”
Maura knows exactly what she means and looks at the nightstand.
“Approximately 22 minutes”
“C’mere”she orders, and Maura obliges before she can even finish.
When they’re back face to face, Jane gently moves a loc of Maura’s perfect hair behind her ears and says “I don’t want there to be a clock on this”.
She’s about to specify what she means with a series of abstract gestures, but Maura knows. She’s always known.
She makes herself comfortable on Jane’s side,
“It can wait,” she agrees.
“But we do have approximately 21 minutes…” Jane counters as she moves closer.
“Mmmmnmm we do”, Maura confirms against her lips.
“Do you have any pressing issues we need to discuss before then?”
“Mmm, that’s a very good question…”
“Maura!”Jane stomps her socked foot against the mattress.
“What?”
“That question was perfunctory!”
“Was it, or were you just giving yourself an out?”
Jane’s face quickly transforms itself into something totally sincere, as Maura follows up, as she moves steadily closer, “I think, what you really want, is to kiss me for another 20 minutes.”
Maura swallows Jane’s confirmation that that’s exactly what she wants.
And they spend their time getting lost in each other until Maura’s side-table alarm goes off.
“Ummhmmm”Jane replies, left hand held tight in Maura’s waves, as Maura ceases her slow exploration of Jane’s neck and quietly confirms “I know”.
Maura moves up over Jane before either of them move to stop the alarm and hovers over Jane’s mouth before she kisses her and then confirms “we have to go”.
“Can’t we just hit snooze?”
Maura is already moving to turn off the alarm and Jane knows what’s coming before she starts her lecture about bad habits.
And Jane loves her.
“We have at least 5 more minutes though, right? TJ doesn’t even know we’re comin’”
Maura moves closer to Jane as she says “no, he doesn’t…but I don’t know if…”
Jane holds her palms up in front of her, after she sits up, and as she shimmies away. “I was mostly kidding before, but I do want to square ourselves up before we leave here…”
“You can take the girl out of Southie…”, Maura says fondly, in response to Jane’s turn of phrase.
“I’m serious”, she laughs. “I’d prefer if we don’t tell anyone, Ma especially, about this change in our relationship status, but I know you can’t lie, so…”
“Jane, I think I’ve gotten pretty good at keeping your secrets over the years. I won’t tell anyone anything beyond you making a spontaneous trip home, and if I get in trouble, I trust you’ll intervene.”
“I will”, Jane says as she pulls Maura closer, left hand on her cheek and right moving up her back.
“We can’t do this,” she emphasizes her point but moving her hand swiftly up and down Maura’s back, “until I have everything squared away at home” she can’t help but physically shake the wrongness of that moniker away, “in DC”.
“I know”
“So we'll just be…friends? For a while?”
“We’ve managed that for almost a decade, Jane” Maura counters with a laugh.
And Jane smiles.
They look at each other for more than a few beats as Maura moves closer, and when Maura grabs Jane’s forearms and tilts her head and says “you ready?”
Jane is never more sure of an answer in her life.