Chapter Text
Bucky held Edwin Jarvis in one arm, using his other hand to hold a gun to Jarvis’s head. Tony begged him to put it down, to leave Jarvis alone––but Bucky only smiled.
Suddenly, Steve walked in, and Tony felt a surge of hope. They’d finally come for him. They were going to save him and Jarvis… He looked to his left, where Maria and Howard’s lifeless bodies lay. He couldn’t save them.
He couldn’t lose Jarvis, too.
“Steve,” he rasped. “Tell your friend to stop––This isn’t him. Please.”
Steve raised an eyebrow. “And why would I do that?”
Tony stilled.
“Finish him, Buck.” Steve ordered. Bucky pulled the trigger, and Jarvis fell, now lifeless as well. Steve turned his attention back to Tony. “They were good people. It’s a shame they had to die because you weren’t a good man yourself.”
Tony wasn’t Steve’s friend. Why would Steve save him? He was right. Tony wasn’t a good man––he built weapons, he hurt people. He built Ultron.
He didn’t deserve to be saved.
Steve motioned for Bucky to follow him, and they left the room. Tony walked over to Edwin’s body, where blood around his head. He kneeled down, gently running his thumb over Edwin’s cheek.
“I’m sorry.” He whispered. “I’m sorry, Jarvis––I let you down. I ruined everything.”
Jarvis’s eyes snapped open. “Failure. That’s all you’ve ever accomplished in life. That’s all you ever will accomplish in life. I should have known better than to place my faith in you. Peggy and I trusted that you would become a great man. We believed in you.”
Tony’s eyes stung.
“But we shouldn’t have. You were never going to be a hero. You never will be one.”
“Tony, snap out of it, buddy.” Clint urges, hand gripping Tony’s shoulder. Tony had been doing better for a few days. He hadn’t said a word, but he was awake, and he was kind of eating. He hadn’t had any nightmares or panic attacks.
But that was too good to last, wasn’t it? Clint should have known. It was just his luck.
Tony’s eyes water, and his breathing speeds up. “I ruined everything,” he whispers to no one. “I let everyone down.”
Clint shakes his head, and sits down next to Tony on the hospital bed. There isn’t much room for him, but he manages to squeeze himself in, despite the corner of the nightstand poking into his thigh. “Hey, no, don’t say that. Whatever you’re seeing, it’s not real. Come on, man, you were doing great. Don’t let those nightmares get to you.”
Tony’s body begins to shake lightly, and he shuts his eyes slowly. His breathing begins to even out, however, so that’s a good sign. Clint wraps an arm around his shoulder. “You with me, Tony?”
Tony nods, rubbing at his eyes. Clint smiles in relief.
They sit in silence for a few minutes. Clint’s thigh starts to hurt, so he stands up again and rubs at the sore spot. “Ah, shit. That’s going to bruise.”
Tony’s head snaps up, eyebrows raised. There’s a question on his mind, Clint can see that––but he’s barely speaking to anyone when he’s awake. They’ve only heard him mutter things during his sleep.
“I’m okay,” Clint adds, just in case. “A nightstand is no match for the great Hawkeye. Or should I say, Hawkthigh? Heh, good one, right?”
Tony’s face relaxes, and he manages a small smile.
Clint knows he wants to say Hawkass.
But he’s not saying it. And it’s driving Clint insane.
Tony Stark wasn’t supposed to be quiet. He was supposed to babble on about nothing and everything, he was supposed to be the man who made jokes to lighten the mood, who couldn’t hold back snarky remarks.
And now he was just silent. He would only respond briefly, saying “hi” “thank you” and “no” at most.
It was unnerving.
Clint’s jaw clenches, and he shoves his hand in his sweater’s pockets. “You know you can talk to us, right? You’re awake now. You’re safe here. Bucky––Bucky is not going to hurt you. Dude’s struggling to forgive himself for what he did to you, you know that?”
Tony doesn’t know that.
He told me he enjoyed it, Tony wants to say. But he doesn’t, because if he spoke up, they might be mad at him. They’ve all forgiven Bucky. Tony was told SHIELD managed to get the situation under control, that Bucky was no longer being hunted down by the government.
Why would Tony say anything that could change that?
He didn’t feel safe around Barnes. But if everyone else trusted the man, then who was Tony to speak up?
So he kept his mouth shut.
Clint exhales slowly, clearing his throat when the silence drags on. “Okay… well, we are having dinner in the facility today, and you might be able to join us if you get permission from your doctors. I think you’re allowed a temporary leave from your bed. And before you decline, we’ll be having pizza. No one can turn down pizza.”
The facility? As in, the Avengers facility? Was Clint out of his mind? After all that Tony had done, Clint actually expected that Tony would be welcome there?
“Maybe some other time.” He rasps instead.
Clint snorts. “Right. Well, I’ve gotta go, but I think Nat might be stopping by soon. Take care of yourself, yeah?”
What exactly is going on in that brain of his, huh? Clint thinks as he makes his way out of the room. We’re trying to support him, and he’s pushing us aside. What is this even supposed to mean? If he’s still mad at us, still caught up in the SHRA business––God, how selfish would that be? We’ve all pushed that down, and we’re trying to start over…
He shakes his head, and pulls out his cellphone. He has some more pressing matters to attend to.
–––––––––––––––
True to his word, Clint orders pizza that night. They get 12 large boxes of pizza. It may sound like a lot, but to a team of superheroes––most of whom have super metabolism or just work out often––it’s not much. Clint, alone, can down a whole box in one sitting. Cap and Bucky can finish two boxes each without even realizing it.
Clint’s feeding his dog, Lucky, a slice when he hears the hesitant knock on the door. He looks up, a little surprised. People usually just walk in––no one really bothers to knock because they all know each other at the facility.
“Come in,” Sam calls out, taking another slice of pizza.
The door opens slowly, and they see Pepper. She smiles. “Can we come in?”
She gets a round of nods from around the room, and walks in. Then she turns around, whispering something. After a few moments, Tony follows her into the room.
Everyone quiets down.
Tony’s hands are shaking, but he forces a smile. “Hey.”
The team responds with a few quiet “hey, man”s and “hi”s. He turns back to Pepper, who places a gentle hand onto his elbow and walking him over to the couches. They take a seat next to Natasha.
“Tony told me you guys were having pizza tonight.” Pepper says, attempting to break the silence. “Clint invited him over, and he was reluctant to come, but I didn’t want to miss out on a pizza party… So here we are.”
Clint clears his throat, and stands up, grabbing a pizza box. “Yeah, I did! I didn’t think you’d come, but I’m glad you did. Here, you like veggie pizza best, right? Grab a slice!”
Tony tenses.
This feels so wrong.
Why are they still treating him like a teammate? A friend?
They wanted to get his hopes up again. But this time Tony can’t fall for it––he just won’t. He’s only going to feel like shit when history repeats itself yet again and he finds out that he meant nothing to them to begin with.
He shakes his head. “I’m good, thanks.”
Pepper takes the box instead. “Thank you, Clint.”
Pepper had dragged him along. It was his fault for telling her, really. What had he expected? Pepper was a kind person. She wanted to make Tony feel better by having him bond with the team and see, apparently, that they missed him.
She’d insisted this would make him feel better.
But he was still shaking. He didn’t want to look around the room––didn’t want to see Steve or Bucky. He didn’t need to see the hatred and anger he knows he will find in their eyes.
Pepper hands him a slice, and Tony gives in.
Do this for Pepper, he tells himself.
“So, how are you feeling now?” Sam asks. “You’re looking a little better.”
“We were going to watch a movie,” Scott adds, Cassie in his lap. “And we had it down to 22 Jump Street and Gone Girl. We can’t decide. What do you think, Tony? Pepper?”
“I think 22 Jump Street might be fun,” Pepper says with a smile. She nudges Tony with her elbow. “And perhaps a little more appropriate for Cassie, though… It’s not exactly a child’s movie.”
Tony snorts.
“Well, that settles it!” Scott exclaims. He quickly pulls up 22 Jump Street on Netflix, and the movie begins to play on screen. Cassie yawns, resting her head on her father’s shoulder.
They fall back into conversation as the movie plays, erupting into laughter and discussing some scenes. Pepper joins in, too.
The only ones who remain quiet are Tony and Bucky.
The first time Bucky speaks up is when Sam jokingly compares him and Steve to Schmidt and Jenko. “Please, Steve is Schmidt.” Bucky says. “He may have gotten Jenko’s body after the serum, but he’s a nerd at heart.”
Everyone laughs.
Tony feels out of place.
They’re all so happy. They’ve moved on, they’ve… they’ve bonded.
They don’t need Tony.
“I’m going back,” Tony tells Pepper in a hushed voice. “You stay here, finish the movie.”
Pepper lets out a sigh. “Tony, come on, this is fun. You were the one who started movie night with the Avengers, back when you guys lived in the tower. You loved it. It’s going to take some time, but you guys will fall back together eventually. You’ll see.”
Tony leans back in his seat, and crosses his arms.
–––––––––––––––
He ended up sleeping in the facility. The SHIELD medics had allowed him to sleep out for the night. Not that Tony really cared about their advice or rules, but it was the only way Pepper agreed to it.
Tony hadn’t wanted to. He didn’t want to… well, he didn’t want to sleep so close to the Winter Soldier. What if he attacked him during his sleep? Or worse, took him to Hydra?
It was a stupid thought.
But he couldn’t push it away.
Pepper slept next to him, and he found himself falling into a deep sleep. When he wakes up the next morning, Pepper has already changed. “Good morning,” she says. “They’re having breakfast. You shower, get changed, and we’ll go together.”
Tony studies her for a moment. “Hey, is it okay if I go back? To the hospital––”
“Tony, you never want to go back to a hospital––”
“Or my house?”
Pepper stops, then sighs. “Why?”
Tony shrugs. “I don’t feel too well. I…” He inhales slowly. “I don’t feel…”
“Welcome? Safe?” Pepper finishes. She sits down next to Tony. “I know. But they’re trying really hard to change that. You’re safe here, Tony. You have to see that. We slept fine last night, no interruption, no threats. I know it’s a little tense between you and Steve, but he’s trying, too.”
“Why are they trying, Pep?” Tony asks, finally. “I don’t get it. I screwed everything up, I ruined the team. I hurt Steve. I’m not welcome here, Pep. I can’t be. This is an Avengers facility, and I’m the man who managed to break apart the Avengers more than once. I can’t be here.”
“Yeah,” Pepper slowly. “You made some mistakes. But… is this what it’s all about? You’ve been shutting yourself out because you think it’s all your fault?”
Tony looks down.
“It’s not all your fault. The team acknowledges that. They’ve come to a mature agreement, understanding that everyone was at fault. That’s only way they could become a team again. You have to see that, too.”
Tony nods.
Pepper gives his a quick kiss before getting up and walking over to the closet. “Go on, take a shower. This room is yours, they have some clothing for you here.”
“Mine?”
“Yes. They built a room for you, Tony.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know, why did you build a floor for each of your teammates after one battle of fighting together?” Pepper retorts with a smile, then throws him a ball of clothes.
Tony catches the clothing, and stares at it for a few moments.
He has a place in this facility?
Huh.
––––––––––––––––
When Tony and Pepper walk into the kitchen, they find Steve, Bucky and Sam. The classic trio.
Steve is making himself some eggs. It seems he’s made some for Bucky and Sam, who are already downing their own dishes of scrambled eggs. Tony carefully makes his way to a seat on the far end of the table, and sits down.
Pepper opens the fridge, taking out some fresh fruits to make herself a quick smoothie before she heads off to a meeting for Stark Industries. She takes out some vegetables and kale as well, because she knows Tony likes those smoothies.
“Good morning,” Sam greets cheerfully.
Tony smiles back in response. “Morning.”
His eyes meet Bucky’s, but he looks away immediately.
These people––or most of them––were once his team. Tony had been so close to them, he’d… well, he thought they were friends. He trusted them with everything he had––he even opened up to them about the nightmares he had after flying the Nuke into space, after almost losing Pepper to Aldrich Killian, after Afghanistan.
He’d let his guard down.
And here he was.
I’m being selfish, he thought, shaking his head. After everything I did to the team… I hurt them. I hurt them badly. Classic Stark, expecting everyone to be as forgiving as Pepper. God, get it together.
It seems that Steve has noticed his presence, because he clears his throat, pulling Tony away from his thoughts. “Hey, Tony. You sleep well last night?”
His voice is weak, tired. It lacks the radiance Cap’s voice usually held, the strength. This war had changed everyone, even Cap.
And it was mostly Tony’s fault.
Tony nods, attempting to smile. It clearly doesn’t work, because Steve clears his throat again and smiles awkwardly. “That’s good.”
He sits down next to Bucky, and picks up a fork. He begins to discuss some schedule changes with Sam, regarding the Avengers’ training, and Bucky joins in every once in a while. Pepper returns a few minutes later with two smoothies––one for herself, and the other for Tony. He takes it with a grateful smile.
“Thanks.” He says.
“No problem. I’m going to have to head out soon, I’ve got a meeting at my office. Stark Industries is still working, you know. I think it might benefit if you decide to jump back into the game.”
Tony’s smile fades slightly, and he takes a sip from the drink. “You’re handling the company better than anyone ever can or will, Pepper. I think it’s best if I stay out of it for a while. I’ve been doing it more harm than good.”
“Well, Wakanda might be a good business partner. You can start by discussing some potential deals with T’Challa.” Pepper offers. “And we need to make some new software updates. We’ve got to release new models and softwares, keep people engaged. You have anything in mind?”
“I’ll work on it.” Tony promises. Pepper knows Tony––his biggest distraction was his work. Whenever he faced problems, he would head straight to his lab. He’d tinker, build, fix. Having him focus on Stark Industries might relieve some of his stress.
“Good, that’s all I need to hear.” Pepper says. Then, she stands up, and grabs her purse. “I have to leave. Take care of yourself, okay? And try to enjoy your time here.” She looks up and, louder, says, “I’ll see you guys later.”
Tony gives her a soft kiss as Steve and Sam tell her goodbye.
Once she leaves, they sit in silence for a while. Steve takes a deep breath before he speaks up .“Tony, I don’t know how to say this––but I have to apologize for what I did. I know we’ve been through a rough patch, and I am sorry.”
Tony pauses, waiting to make sure this wasn’t just a joke.
When his eyes meet Steve’s, they’re sincere. Steve looks hurt, but he’s not lying. He’s legitimately sorry.
Tony wants to laugh.
“You’re sorry?” He asks with disbelief.
Steve’s jaw clenches. “I know you’re angry, and you may think that an apology is not enough, but we can work this out over time, I’m sure––”
“I don’t get it.” Tony interrupts. “Why are you sorry?”
Steve had brought Bucky along, yes. But Steve wasn’t responsible for Bucky’s actions––and no, Tony will not believe that nightmare he’d had the previous day, there was no way that Steve would support the killing of Jarvis and his parents.
Not to mention that Bucky’s reflexes were… well, he thought Steve was dead. More precisely, he thought Tony had killed him. His thoughts were justified.
He enjoyed it, Tony reminds himself. He pushes the thought away. Barnes is Steve’s friend. Barnes is an Avenger.
But he was terrifying.
Tony will not blame him, or hold his actions against him…. but that doesn’t stop the flashbacks, the nightmares. It doesn’t stop the flutter of fear he feels whenever he looks at Barnes.
“What do you mean?” Steve asks, looking genuinely confused. “I’m sorry for fighting you. I’m sorry because I, too, was being stubborn and I refused to understand your point of view. I think it’s only fair that I apologize.”
Huh.
“Well… you don’t need to apologize.” Tony replies slowly. “I fucked up, like usual, and you guys dealt with the aftermath. If there’s anyone who has to apologize… It’s me.”
Sam groans dramatically. “Not again. Guys, I thought we agreed that we all screwed up and that we’re all sorry!”
Steve chuckles, and nods.
Tony smiles, but is unsure of how to respond.
––––––––––––––––––
Tony manages to spend eight days in the facility without having a single anxiety or panic attack. He’s coping better, in general, and he’s more comfortable around the team. He was still tense around Steve, unsure of how friendly he should be, but he’d become better friends with T’Challa. Rhodey’s condition is starting to improve, too.
Overall, Tony’s doing pretty well.
Until he comes across an angry Barnes.
He’s walking with T’Challa, who will be returning to Wakanda in a few days, when they hear the sound of loud crashing.
“What is that?” T’Challa asks, alert. They hurry into the room, throwing the door open. What if Hydra had managed to crash into the facility? It had been peaceful in here ever since Tony had moved in, why would there suddenly be a threat? Was it just their shitty luck?
But it’s not Hydra.
It’s Bucky.
He’s panting, seething. Natasha has a hand around the gun in her back pocket, ready to fire if necessary. Clint’s jaw is clenched, and Sam has a hand on his shoulder, holding him back. Steve’s hands are raised, and he’s speaking softly.
“Buck, please.” He says. “It’s me. You’re not with Hydra anymore. They’re never getting near you again. I won’t let them.”
“But… my mission.” Bucky presses.
“No, no more missions. You’re not the Winter Soldier. Not anymore.”
Bucky’s eyes widen, and he tightens his fists. His breathing begins to even out as his gaze travels around the room, suddenly realizing that he was, in fact, with the Avengers. He’s still on edge, however, and when his eyes lock with Tony’s, Tony can’t stop the panic from rising.
Bucky’s eyes are hard. They’re angry. Confused.
Suddenly, Tony can feel it all over again. Barnes punching him. Pulling out his arc reactor, shattering the casing––telling him he enjoys it––and Tony can’t breathe, he falls back against the wall, struggling to take a breath.
And on the other side of the room, all Bucky can see is Tony’s blood, pooling out of his chest, staining his hands.
You’re not the Winter Soldier, he hears Steve say again. Not anymore.
No, he’s not.
He’s become something worse.
“….hey, you’re okay, you’re safe.” His attention slowly focuses back to Steve, whose arms are wrapped around him, repeating reassuring sentences.
“Stark.” Bucky whispers, opening his eyes.
Tony’s not bleeding.
But he is struggling to breathe.
“Did I hurt him?” Bucky asks frantically. “I lost it––I was hurling things, I was fighting you––did I hurt him?”
“No, no.” Steve replies hurriedly. “You didn’t hurt anyone.”
Bucky pushes Steve’s arm away, and scrambles to stand up. He hurries over to Tony’s side, where Clint is asking Tony to follow his breathing pattern in order to calm down.
“Stark.” Bucky begins. “I’m––Did I hurt him?”
Natasha shakes her head. “No. I think he just had a flashback.” She turns to Steve. “I think you guys could use some fresh air.”
Steve nods and makes his way out of the room, dragging Bucky along gently.
The rest is a blur, until Bucky is greeted with a gust of cool wind. Steve squeezes Bucky’s shoulder, smiling warily. “It was just bad timing. You didn’t hurt anyone.”
“I thought I was with Hydra.” Bucky admits. “I thought… I didn’t mean to go violent, I promise––”
“We know. You went through severe trauma, Buck. You can’t control those flashbacks, they’re not your fault. You know, sometimes, I feel like I’m crashing into the ice all over again. Sometimes I wake up, and I’m afraid that another seventy years have passed, that none of you will be there. Sometimes I wake up thinking none of this was real. That I’m still in the 40s, that Peggy will be there, by my side, telling me the war is over. But this is real, Buck. We’re together now, you’re safe. This is our new life. It’s tough, but we can get through it.”
Bucky’s eyes soften.
“What I did to Stark,” he says, “I can’t push it away. I know that I’m not the Winter Soldier, most of the time. I remind myself that none of it was my choice, that I wasn’t aware of what I was doing. But when I hurt Stark, it was me. It wasn’t the Winter Soldier.”
Steve nods. “Don’t be so harsh on yourself. Tony will understand.”
“I don’t want to be this person, not anymore. I don’t want to see fear in people’s eyes when they look at me. He’s terrified of me, Steve.”
“Maybe he is.” Steve agrees. “But that can change.”
–––––––––––
Three days later, Bucky decides to speak to Tony.
There was a giant elephant in the facility, standing between him and Tony, and Bucky couldn’t stand it anymore. If they were going to work as a team, they’d have to be able to communicate. No, Bucky doesn’t need to become his friend, but he needs to be able to work with Stark during battle. They couldn’t do that when they were avoiding each other like this.
Tony is in the lab with Bruce. He’s sitting down on one of the benches, hair flying in all directions, as Bruce holds up a test tube. When Bucky knocks on the door, they’re both surprised. They discuss something quickly before Bruce presses something on his monitor, and the glass door slides open. Bucky takes a deep breath before entering the lab.
“Hi,” he says.
Tony and Bruce exchange glances. Bruce responds. “Hi, Bucky. What’s up?”
“Nothing, I…” Bucky shoves his hands into his pockets. “What are you… up to?”
Bruce narrows his eyes slightly, but smiles anyway. Bucky wasn’t exactly his friend, and he certainly wasn’t Tony’s. For him to just stop by for a quick chat is slightly worrying. “Just doing some research.”
Bucky nods. He looks around the lab, unsure of how to bring up the issue. He must be quiet for quite some time, however, because Bruce speaks up again.
“So is there any specific reason you’re here?” Bruce asks, keeping his smile intact. “Not that I mind, of course, but…”
“I wanted to speak to Stark.” Bucky says, cutting to the point. “Alone. If that’s okay.”
“About what?” Bruce asks, suddenly on edge.
“I just…”
Bruce raises an eyebrow.
“I wanted to speak to him about what happened. I wanted to… I want to apologize.”
Tony looks up, and sits up straighter. “Pardon me?”
“I want to apologize.” Bucky repeats firmly. “I think it’s about time that we stopped avoiding each other. You’re terrified of me, I know that. I don’t want you to be scared of me. We might have to fight together in upcoming battles, and we need to be able to work as a team.”
They stand in silence for a few moments.
“Bruce, can you give us a moment?” Tony finally says. When Bruce begins to protest, Tony insists. “I’ll be fine.”
Bruce nods reluctantly, and walks out of the lab. He stays close by, though, just in case.
“What’s this about?” Tony asks, twirling his cell phone in his hand.
“Like I said, I wanted to say I’m sorry. I hurt you pretty bad. I didn’t––I didn’t know your arc reactor was keeping you alive. Or maybe I just didn’t realize it at the moment. I was blinded by anger. I thought you killed Steve.”
Tony nods. He pushed down his rising panic, telling himself that Bucky was not going to hurt him. This is the first time he’s been this close to Bucky, that he’s spoken to him, and it’s unnerving. But Tony can’t show that. Bucky is apologizing. The least Tony can do is try his best to move this conversation forward. “I know. And, just so you know, I don’t entirely blame you.”
Bucky furrows his eyebrows.
Tony doesn’t blame him?
“There’s just one thing that I don’t understand, that doesn’t fit into the picture.” Tony continues. “You said you enjoyed it. What was that about?”
“Enjoyed what?”
“Ripping my arc reactor out of my chest. You said enjoyed it as much as you enjoyed ripping Howard’s heart out when you killed him. Why would you say that if you’re really no longer doing this?”
“I never said that.” Bucky whispers, shocked. “I… I never said that. I didn’t enjoy it. Not when I hurt you, not when I hurt your parents. Not when I hurt Jarvis, either. I don’t––I don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want to hurt anyone.”
Then how had Tony heard him say that?
Probably the fucking panic, Tony thinks. I’ve been seeing so much shit lately and I don’t even know which of it is real.
“The team, they gave me a second chance.” Bucky says. “I know Natasha doesn’t trust me, not yet, but she’s giving me a chance, even if I don’t deserve it. I had a flashback, the other day. When you and Black Panther walked in. I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone.”
Tony nods. “So I heard. Flashbacks are a pain in the ass, I can tell you that much.”
Bucky silently agrees.
They remain quiet, Tony still twirling his phone and Bucky just looking around. When his eyes fall to Tony’s chest, he finds himself asking, “What exactly is that?”
Tony looks up at Bucky, then follows his gaze, which leads to his arc reactor. “Huh? Oh, the arc reactor. It’s keeping me alive. But you figured that out, I think.”
“Why is it inside your chest?”
Tony laughs as he stands up. He paces around the bench slowly. “I built weapons, you know that?”
Bucky nods.
“Millions died because of them. The last thing they saw before their death was my name, Stark, on the missiles. And I guess someone must have prayed pretty damn hard, because karma is a bitch. Got shrapnel in my chest, from my own missile. These terrorists, called the Ten Rings, wanted me to build them a missile. They took me in, gave me a shitty version of this reactor, and hooked me up to a car battery to keep the shrapnel from getting to my heart.”
“You had shrapnel in your body?”
“Still do. This is a magnet,” Tony explains. He finds himself slowly relaxing. “Without it, the shrapnel reaches my heart.”
Bucky winces. He had no idea. Steve never brought that up. “I didn’t know that.”
“Not many people do. Only Pepper, Rhodey, Bruce and Nat. Maybe Clint, too, if Natasha told him. I think everyone else just knows that I need it to stay alive, but they don’t know the details.”
“So your life wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies, then.” Bucky comments, causing Tony to snort.
“This is a team of messed up people.” Tony says. “It’s part of the job description. Except for Sam, maybe. Sam’s not too messed up. Not like us, anyway.”
Bucky smiles.
“We’re not so different,” He notes. “Your kidnappers gave you a metal heart, and mine gave me a metal arm.”
Tony pauses, and studies Bucky.
He’s right.
Tony had hurt many people, too. Until he decided that it was not the life he wanted, that he no longer wanted to be a warmonger. In many ways, he was much worse than Bucky; He was fully aware of what he was doing, at least. Bucky wasn’t.
Bucky was trying, too, to put his past behind. To start over, become a hero once more. He might not be the same man he was before the war, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
Tony, too, had changed after the battles he went through.
“Yeah, that’s a good way to put it.” Tony agrees.
––––––––––––––
Over the next two weeks, Tony and Bucky learn to become more comfortable around each other. Tony doesn’t feel safe enough to join a training session with Bucky, but he doesn’t always have trouble watching him fight or spar.
Bucky stops by the lab sometimes, usually around three or four in the morning, when everyone else is asleep. He’d seen Tony in the kitchen a few times, and learned that Tony, too, would have trouble sleeping. After a while, he found himself walking over to the lab to check if Tony is awake before heading off to the kitchen. More often than not, Tony would be there.
“Hey,” Bucky greets sleepily. He walks into the lab and makes his way to his preferred chair, just across Tony’s bench. “You didn’t sleep?”
“No.” Tony admits. “You?”
“I slept. But I had nightmares.” Bucky tells him, rubbing at his eyes. “Decided to go for a walk, remind myself of where I am.”
Tony nods, and takes off his goggles. “Hydra?”
“Mostly. But I still have nightmares about hurting Steve. Or you, or someone from the team.” Bucky says, looking down at his hands. “Sometimes, I hate to see this arm. I hate all the memories that come up every time I see it. When I wake up, hoping that all of this was just a bad dream, I see it again. And I feel that hope shatter. I’m just reminded of who I’ve become––”
“Who you’ve become,” Tony interrupts, “is an Avenger. That arm of yours should just remind you that you’ve overcome your days in Hydra. You’re with your team now.”
Bucky’s eyes light up playfully. “With my team of messed up people?”
“That’s right,” Tony says proudly. Then, he moves around the bench and sits down across from Bucky. “You know, some days my reactor can throw me into a harsh flashback. But most of the time, seeing it light up is enough to push me forward. It’s a reminder of why I’m still alive.”
Bucky hums in agreement.
They remain in the lab for two more hours, during which Tony makes himself at least ten cups of coffee as he continues to work. Bucky is fine with having one as he watches Tony put together a new model for a StarkPhone.
Then, Bucky pulls up the sleeve of his sweater, and looks up at Tony. “Hey, Tony?”
Tony pauses, and turns to Bucky. When he sees the arm, he grows a little tense. “Yeah?”
Bucky flexes his arm, and places his other hand on the elbow. “The elbow’s been bothering me for a while. Whenever I move my arm, I can feel something not clicking into place.”
Tony’s eyes widen slightly. “How long has it been bothering you?”
“A few months.” Bucky admits. “I wasn’t sure who to speak to. I couldn’t trust SHIELD’s agents enough to work on my arm, and… I was wondering if you could take a look? You’re good with robotics, so I thought… Unless it bothers you, then you don’t have to––”
Tony steps closer, a grin forming on his face. Barnes trusts Tony to work on his arm? Tony can’t believe it. “You trust me? To work on your arm?”
Bucky nods lightly, lips pressing thinly. “Yes.”
Sweet Christmas.
It feels good to be trusted.
Tony pulls his chair closer to Bucky, vibrant smile on his face. He holds his hands just over Bucky’s arm. “May I?”
Bucky nods.
“Let me know if you feel any pain.” Tony tells him. “And if you feel uncomfortable, any time, tell me right away. Okay?”
“Okay.”
Tony begins to inspect Bucky’s arm carefully, asking Bucky to move it in certain directions and conduct certain actions.
As Tony works on his arm, Bucky studies him carefully. Just two weeks earlier, they couldn’t bear to look each other in the eye. Just a month earlier, Bucky had ripped out Tony’s arc reactor and nearly killed him.
And now he trusts him.
“You know,” Bucky says after a while. “You’re not so bad.”
Tony smirks, looking up at Bucky from beneath his messy bangs. “Yeah. Neither are you.”
Life isn’t perfect. But it’s not so bad.