Chapter Text
“So guys, I’m here again at THE best restaurant here in Incheon!” I smiled at the camera and gave a little wink as I talked about the restaurant that had requested for me to come back for their anniversary. I was ready for my spiel and I made sure that my angle is good for the camera. I then took a quick glance at one of my assistants and gave me a thumbs up sign; good, now I’m being watched by 100,000 subscribers. That’s high; but not enough. I have 40 million followers and having only 100,000 tuned in on me isn’t enough marketing. I put on my most potent weapon to good use to at least gain 300,000 of them.
“Wow… 100,000 viewers… hello! Let’s make our viewers go up to 300,000 and I’ll give out a lucky draw! What prize? What is it?” I pretended to read the comments but I already expected the answer. “A date… with me?” And then I intentionally made my eyes go even more round to make the effect more dramatic. “You guys – I’m not selling myself – just a date? You guys just want to hang out? Nooo~ I’ll just do a cute nyang~” I looked again at my assistant and she is signaling that the comments section has gone crazy. I groaned internally though my face is smiling as brightly as ever. Well, that’s how “influencers” should be… we sell fantasy. We’re like K-pop idols without their shitty agencies. We scavenge for the most unheard of, aesthetically pleasing to the eye places in all of Korea, drop them an email or call them to offer your “services” a.k.a. “free advertisement” and in return we either accept a lifetime discount for being able to boost their sales or at the very least, getting new subscribers that would soon rummage through my socials… and bingo, a new supporter which I secretly call my unofficial “sugar mommies” and “sugar daddies”. In front they are my bffs that I fondly call as my “Tae-nyangs” … because if I am their “Kittyong” then they are my cute “~nyangs”… and this is the fucking cringiest thing my team have come up and worked on these… these… ugh.
It's not like I’ve decided to be in this shit before; the opportunity came to me so suddenly. It was three years ago and I have submitted my resume left and right to Marketing firms as I am about to graduate from my Marketing course with High Honors even. I was expecting that it’ll be enough for companies to notice my talent and skills. I really was expecting… but then the reality of the corporate world came when a junior who was even a complete shit got in one of those companies just because his Daddy is friends with HR. And believe me, trying to fight this rotten system is just screaming with a plastic bag around your head. I was ready to go back to my loser self in my old hometown when a sunbae came up to me to beg for me to fill up his spot for a gig of his; it was online selling for a store. It’s not like online selling is new to me because I don’t usually decline since a gig is a gig and my rent is almost due. Besides, I had thought that I was going to wear a mask like I always did. I didn’t expect that it was for a skin product and I almost backed out because I won’t be wearing a mask… well, I guess I have to thank my parents’ genes. After that live my social media following tripled and they have been requesting me to create a content. You see, I’m not so ignorant that ‘content creators’ are the new celebrities of this generation; I was just wary at the unstable market profile our university has taught us. But then again, what is there to lose? Working for companies doesn’t assure anyone of success; just corporate slavery. And I cannot be a loser like before…
…If I want to be big, then I have to be my own ‘star’.
So I learned as I make a new content. And another. And another. I used the data I accumulated from a past research on topics which will keep my audience hooked. Trends? Check. Food? Check. Fashion? Check. Dance challenges? I definitely passed that. Social issues? Commentaries? True Crime? Charity? You bet I now have a heart of gold. A fellow contents creator told me that I’m the newest Midas, all I touch becomes gold. And maybe that’s true. shake hands to those who know me and hug anyone that wants one. And don’t get me wrong; my most favorite content is whenever I have to work with kids because for some reason, it brings back my old passion to be a school teacher. The staff who were with me often comments that we should make it a permanent content because I seem to glow whenever I am surrounded by these innocent and carefree kids. And whenever I am glowing, I glow with millions earned from such content. But that was just a fraction of what I do. I had to survive from these lecherous bastards who thinks that being an influencer means I am free enterprise for whoever who spends on me. Recently, within my third year alone, I’ve worked with two new actors and I almost got into a fist fight with one though because after shooting our content, he was trying to force me inside his hotel room. It’s nothing new actually. I smile and smile in front of the cameras like a celebrity. There were also times when a businessman who became a patron that supports my contents “invited” me with the hopes of getting more than just a wink and hand-shaking. That was the reason why I have my own staff and a couple of bodyguards; I can never somewhere with anyone without their knowledge.
I finished my live with a whopping 420,000 viewers and I am satisfied. Lives aren’t so easy as when you just pose with the product. Live selling taught me that before. Without missing a beat, I turned to the restaurant owner and was immensely gratified by my live. He is so sure that their sales would triple within the week alone and he assured me that he has already transferred 12 million Won in my savings account. I had one of my staff, Doyoung check on it and he nodded before smiling his toothed grin.
Something about that smile irks me. Like it was from a memory of a past that I was sure I have gotten over. I scowled at him and turned to face the owner with my most business-like smile plastered in my face. The deal is done and we are good to go. I then asked Doyoung to tell our driver to bring us to our usual place and he simply nodded and was almost skipping like a rabbit when he went inside the van. It was kind of amusing, I must admit, but then again kittens and little bugs are amusing to me.
When I say the usual place, it was a restaurant just tucked away from the busy road back in Seoul, Samseong-dong. I stumbled at the place by chance after an incident happened two years ago, and the owner gladly took me in and I was able to take shelter. When I learned that he knew who I am, I even offered to give him some publicity by featuring his place in my platform, but he vehemently refused and said that he wants to keep the peaceful atmosphere of the restaurant and keep the foods’ quality intact. Well, I can’t complain about that; John is such an enigmatic chef that he has his own draft of beer which is probably the best beer I had ever tasted. But something kind of ticks me off a bit whenever John stands beside me. Maybe it’s because he’s too tall and he smiles like he knows a bunch of my secrets. Maybe it’s because he speaks so much English that I can’t help but think of an old friend that I had also left behind in my muddled past.
Everything that I have left behind became a distant memory that somehow my brain has chosen to forget. I mean, I can still remember important parts, like how a bunch of bullies treated me like trash in my middle and high school, and I do remember that my dad died just before my high school graduation, but somehow, some details were a huge blur. I didn’t pay any mind because I was young then and besides, we all chose to forget unimportant facts of our lives, right? I am a practical person; I choose to move on and those things that are unimportant to us.
The café is quiet as soon as we entered and it’s nothing new; John says we just have to make ourselves at home. I don’t like that kind of invasive attitude in lieu of being comfortable, so we only sat at our usual spot and waited until John comes out from the kitchen. I’m pretty sure he heard us come in anyway.
“Hey~!” John’s voice boomed inside his café. “How’s my favorite influencer?” He half-ran to give me a bear hug that I don’t exactly like… but I don’t really hate. Sometime John really feels like a huge bear because he’s so warm like a blanket. But I can’t tell him that; it is embarrassing. I rolled my eyes at him and he just laughed at me while we both sat down. Doyoung also gave him a brief hug and was already animatedly talking about the earlier content that we shot.
“Seriously John, you should have seen how Taeyong’s followers suddenly shot up in that live!” Doyoung started. “I am already happy if we got about a hundred thousand viewers… but four hundred thousand?! Taeyong is an aegyo monster I tell you…” I chuckled at the way Doyoung’s eyes were so round and so wide trying to describe what had just happened. In a way, that is why I keep Doyoung closest to me despite being the last one to join my team. For me, Doyoung is animated; being beside him gives me a semblance that I am alive… unlike how I truly am. The same reason that I love hanging out in John’s café. It is small, but it feels livelier in this peace and quiet.
My thoughts have started to stray into the darker side when John’s voice interrupted it. “Oh… by the way, I got a new employee!”
“Hallelujah! I thought you are such a cheapskate that you refuse to hire someone to help you out!” I retorted.
John only chuckled at my little remark. “Well, it’s not like he knows how to cook… but he does errands. And he’s dependable.”
“Wait, is it that guy – “ Doyoung was about to continue but he turned to look at me and opted to keep his mouth shut. But why? Anyway, it is none of my business.
“Hey John… can I get a soufflé today? And some Iced Americano…”
John noticed my disinterest at what they were talking about and simply gave me a smile. Bless him though; he’s the first person in my career that could ever accurately gauge my mood. And I am hungry! “Okay, okay… and how about a simple charcuterie for everyone?” And we cheered because John makes the best charcuterie combination, ever.
Now that everyone’s well-fed and happy, my other staff have one by one asked permission to go home. I also told John and Doyoung, while both still nursing their red wine, that I’ll go take a walk to work off the food. They both let me go, but not without John doing another of his bear hugs again.
===
It wasn’t that late at night but the wind has turned chilly yet the bustling streets of Cheongdam is still alive. I looked on the happy faces of couples’ window shopping, of high school friends trying to catch the bus, of the worn out office workers already on their second bottle of soju… and maybe I did felt a twinge of envy. Just a little.
Because I, Lee Taeyong, had long been dead inside.
Then the sudden wave happened. I had long been battling it; the abyss. It was a dark place that had once tried to lure me in, and after 30 pills, I almost did, but somehow life is pulling me back each and every painful time. The abyss is like that; beguiling, telling me that peace is inside. That the darkness that comes along with it is a friend that I shouldn't fear because it is just like being carried by the waves. But aren't waves turbulent? Dangerous? Deceptive? But then again, the wave seemed strong this time. One moment I was standing on a bustling street, and now, I’m standing at the rooftop of some random hotel overlooking Samseong Kkachi Park. It feels numbing and this time I let the waves carry me to what could be the final entrance to the abyss.
First step and it will be over.
Second step, is the journey so far?
Third step and he feel impatient. He wants it to end. Please end, his mind was screaming at this beautiful torture.
Fourth step and he’s close to the ledge… just a bit more –
“Do you like some ice cream?” A voice penetrated to my thoughts, thus creating a momentary pause.
“Huh?” What is he saying? Ice cream? In this cold weather? Is he nuts?
“Hey, I know that look, you’re thinking if I am nuts, right?” And the audacity of the guy (whose features I can’t make out yet because of the darkness) to sound sarcastic. “Who’s nuts between us? I, who likes sweets even in this cold weather? Or you, who seems to be on his way to test if humans can somehow sprout some wings? Anyway, are you possibly… drunk?” He added, which only fueled my irritation, because god knows he does make sense. I am nuts for wanting to jump in this – to satisfy my madness.
“You have ice cream?” I asked, feeling the waves push back and my sea is calm once more.
“Yep,” He answered like a kid, even making that ‘p’-sound pop. “I already ate the coffee though, so you better just be thankful for my chocolate ones… ah! It’s even Fanfare, so you better worship me, you mongrel!”
“I am – what?!” That’s it, I would so beat the shit out of this kid for talking like that to me. Does he even know who he’s insulting?! I. Am. Lee. Taeyong!
I went down the ledge and stomped towards the bastard. He’s a bit taller than me (six cm is JUST a little bit!) and he’s so pale like a ghost! Okay, I could easily cuff him… not. Why the fuck is he built?! “Y-You!” I pointed at him when he’s just a couple of inches in front of me. “Who are you to fucking insult me – “
What… is that dimple?! What is that smile?! What is that eye-disappearing smile?!
How the fuck am I supposed to say my piece with those damn eye smile that makes him… so fluffy! And cute! And squishy!
And --
His smile got deeper as he handed me a chocolate Fanfare before saying,
“Good… you’re safe now. I’m Jaehyun, by the way,”
Jaehyun… Jaehyun?!