Chapter Text
“I suppose you’ve heard that everyone in the office placed a bet on whether we’re together or not,” Kunikida says.
“Absurd,” Bram says. “That’s none of their business.”
Kunikida sits up like a startled meerkat. “Right?!”
Bram huffs and considers knocking Kunikida’s balancing arm out from under him, but settles for something calmer and simply guides Kunikida to lay down again. He plays with Kunikida’s hair absently. “I have been thinking about what you said on Christmas Eve.”
“I say a lot of things in one day, bloodsucker. You’re going to have to be more spe-”
“About getting married.”
Kunikida freezes for just a second. “Oh?”
“Are you in love with me?”
Kunikida shrugs against Bram. “Dunno. But I like your company and I want Aya to be happy.”
“The bandage hoarder claims you have fifty-eight requirements for your ideal partner.”
“Oh, that? Well, you fit fifty-seven and a half, so I think it’s all right.”
“And a half?” Bram asks with a soft laugh. “What was the requirement?”
“Pretty woman.”
Bram does not think he’s flushed like this in well over a century. “You think I’m pretty?”
“Yes,” Kunikida says, as if Bram asked a stupid question.
“Oh.”
“Why were you thinking about it?”
Bram sighs. He drags his hand down from Kunikida’s hair to rest on Kunikida’s waist. The man is by no means small in general, but he’s smaller than Bram and that’s what counts. “For someone so determined to get on my last nerve, you’re rather pleasant company. I would like to be in your company for as long as you’ll have me.”
Kunikida doesn’t respond.
“Plus, I can’t have you keeping our little lady all to yourself so. . .”
Kunikida laughs. “I’ll get the papers tomorrow, then.”
Somehow, absolutely no one notices, which is absurd given that both of them work in a building with seven other detectives — and Naomi.
(Ranpo probably knows and is waiting to see how long it takes, Kunikida reasons.)
It takes so long that Kunikida forgets they’d been waiting to see who caught on first and simply forgets that they never actually told anyone.
Aya’s twelfth birthday even arrives before.
It’s a good day, better than her eleventh birthday because she’s not so worried about being too much for anyone, anymore. She gets a lot of nice things from everyone — they all know her a bit better now and can find things they know she’ll like. While everyone is there, Bram gifts Aya a massive set of hair clips she’d been talking about and Kunikida gives her a copy of the enrolment form he’d submitted to a very well-acclaimed karate school that Aya’s birth father never had the care to consider sending her to but she’d always wanted to attend.
After everyone leaves, Bram calls Aya to sit in his lap and asks her how she liked her birthday and her cake, while Kunikida fetches a sealed envelope from his room — well, he resealed it for Aya to open, but she doesn’t need to know that.
“What’s this?” Aya asks when Kunikida hands it to her before sitting down beside Bram.
“Birthday present,” Kunikida says. “From both of us.”
Aya gives them both a quizzical look each before pulling the flap open and peeking inside. “It’s paper. How many karate schools did you sign me up for?”
Bram laughs and tucks her hair behind her ears. “Why don’t you have a look first and then comment, hm, my princess?”
Still frowning slightly, Aya takes the papers out and stares at them. “Certificate of ad. . . what?”
“Oh, princess,” Bram says gently, “don’t cry. Don’t cry, my princess. Come here.”
Aya rereads the few words over and over and over again as Bram wraps his arms around her and gives her a warm squeeze.
“This . . . this has both your names on it.”
“Well,” Kunikida says, giving Aya a smile, “I didn’t think it would be fair otherwise.”
“I don’t — I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything, baby. Unless you’re unhap-”
“No!” Aya cries loudly. “I am happy! I am, I’m just . . . I wasn’t expecting it.”
(Aya had completely forgotten about the conversation she’d overheard the night of her eleventh birthday. It has been a year, after all.)
Aya sniffles. “I’m going to cry now, but don’t get scared. I’m very happy, I promise.”
Bram wipes at her eyes. “Of course, princess.”
Aya curls up in Bram’s lap, and when she reaches out for Kunikida, he leans against Bram and offers her his hand to hold.
“I love you,” Aya mumbles. “Don’t know if I ever said so.”
“You didn’t have to say so, baby.” Kunikida squeezes her hand gently. “We know, and we both love you.”
“Best birthday ever,” Aya says, closing her eyes and relaxing. “How’d you even get it done? My dad’s still alive.”
“Oh,” Bram says, sounding a little amused, “the peasant already fought a custody battle for you. It was just a matter of fighting the bureaucracy for the adoption to go through.”
“Really? Don’t they usually talk to the kid about those?”
“Special case. I read the transcript. It was almost entertaining, especially the bit where he called your father a self-centered toad with the face of a hippopotamus’ behind.”
“Shut up,” Kunikida grumbles. “I was very frustrated.”
“Of course you were,” Bram says, patting Kunikida’s head.
“He’s got visitation rights from next year,” Kunikida says. “But that’s up to you, Aya.”
“Oh,” Aya says. “Can I . . . think about it?”
“Of course. He’s the one that’s got a limit. You’re allowed to see him as often as you like. And if you don’t want to at all, that’s fine too. I’ll make it happen.”
Aya squeezes Kunikida’s hand. “Thank you. For not looking away just because he’s my father.”
“You’re welcome, baby.”
Aya falls asleep in Bram’s lap and Kunikida helps tuck her into bed.
“Hey,” Bram whispers so he doesn’t wake her.
“Hm?”
“Did you tell her we’re legally married?”
“Ah . . . tomorrow.”
But when tomorrow comes, they take Aya out for breakfast and lunch and spend the afternoon at Cosmo World and it’s all so normal and natural that they both forget to mention that tiny detail.
Christmas even comes and goes before they remember.
“I have had enough of them,” Aya announces.
Huddled around a pool of snacks that Kunikida wouldn’t dare allow Aya to have free reign to, Kyoka, Atsushi and Kenji give Aya the same puzzled look.
“The . . . snacks?” Atsushi eventually asks. “We can buy other snacks next time you sleep over.”
“No, not the snacks. My parents. They make me sick!”
Kenji munches on a chocolate bar. “Like nauseous or is this about their snail’s pace relationship.”
“Their relationship, obviously,” Kyoka says, throwing an empty chips packet at Kenji.
Aya sighs, then fixes Atsushi with a firm stare she could’ve only learned from Kunikida, given that it makes Atsushi wonder if he forgot to submit a report of some kind. “Do not disappoint me.”
“Huh?!”
Aya points a liquorice stick at him. “By my next birthday, you and your dumb vampire boyfriend better be married.”
Atsushi sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Aya, sweet, how many times must we have this conversation —”
“I wanna go to a wedding!” Aya whines. “Dazai and Chuuya-oji betrayed me and eloped. You’re my last hope, niisan!”
Atsushi thinks Aya’s way of referring to everyone is a little odd, given the age differences all around, but he’s not complaining. If Aya views him as a big brother, then that’s her prerogative. He just wishes she’d stop calling Gin oneesan in a very particular tone that means Gin is Atsushi’s sister-in-law. One of these days, Akutagawa is going to roundhouse him in the face for it — probably. It’s also a little funny that Ranpo gets to be called ‘niisan’ when he’s older than Dazai and Kunikida.
Kyoka pats Aya’s head — it’s a gesture she’s gotten comfortable with doing, but she still looks like a stiff robot anyway. “There, there. You can come to my wedding. You can be my maid of honour if you want.”
Aya squints at Kyoka. “You’re not dating anyone.”
“No, but Kenji and I made a pact that if neither of us are married by the time we’re thirty, then we’ll marry each other. So I’ll definitely get married to someone someday.”
Aya hums.
“Woah, wait,” Atsushi says, “when was this pact made?”
Kenji checks the clock on the wall. “Eight hours ago.”
Atsushi sighs. “You two scare me a little bit.”
Aya claps her hands. “All right! I’ll be your maid of honour, neechan.” She turns around and squints at Kenji. “Break her heart and I’ll break your face. I’ve been going to my new karate school for three months only but I’m really good at it.”
Kenji smiles fondly as Aya raises her fists and does what she probably assumes is a scary face. It just makes Kenji want to pet her like she’s a little chicken. “Yes, ma’am.”
Aya glares for a second more before she decides Kenji got the message. She throws herself back on the cushions surrounding her and groans. “They’re so frustrating!”
“Have you maybe considered just talking to one of them?” Atsushi suggests. His eyes widen when he receives three glares. “What?”
“They’re both so stubborn,” Kyoka says. “Asking would just put us back a year.”
“They’re like angry birds,” Kenji says. “I’m afraid that if I try to say something, I’ll lose an eye.”
Aya sits up. “Maybe I should tell them I want a sibling.”
“What will that achieve?” Atsushi asks incredulously. “They already have you and that didn’t do anything!”
“But, like, what about a baby?” Aya asks, miming cupping her hands around a duckling. “It’d be so cute and then they’d fall in love with each other, like in that movie we watched on our last sleepover.”
“Oh, sweet, I don’t think that works all the time.”
“We could try! Worst case scenario, I get to be a big sister!”
“I . . . I’m not getting involved in this one,” Atsushi says, raising his hands.
Kyoka hums. “Do you think Kunikida would be willing to kidnap someone from the mafia?”
“Kyoka!” Atsushi cries.
“Who?” Kenji asks. “Everyone we know is older than Aya — older than us, even.”
“No, everyone you know. I happen to know of someone I think is Aya’s age.”
“Kyuu’s older than Aya,” Atsushi says.
“How do you know them?”
“I spend time around half the mafia! Some of them have met the kid a couple times!”
“Who’s Kyuu?” Aya asks.
“No,” Atsushi says firmly.
“Aww,” Kenji says, “your oniisan’s worried you’ll start dating someone.”
“Shut up!” Atsushi cries, throwing a cushion at Kenji’s face.
Kenji cackles gleefully.
“Doesn’t matter,” Aya says. “For this to work, I’m gonna have to steal a baby.”
“Kidnapping is a crime,” all three detectives chorus, giving Aya identically reprimanding looks.
She shudders. “Stop giving me my dad’s face.”
“You cannot steal a baby,” Atsushi says slowly. “Tell me you understand that.”
Aya huffs and folds her arms. “Fine. I cannot steal a baby. God, you’re such a killjoy.”
“I’m a —?! You know what, I think it’s bedtime for all of us.”
Half an hour later, Kyoka crawls over to Atsushi and pokes his arm. “I know where we can get a baby.”
“Go to sleep,” Atsushi warns. “Or I’ll tell Chuuya you accidentally called him dad the other day.”
“You’re a demon, Atsushi. Good night.”
“Good night, Kyoka.”
Kunikida finally snaps after two hours. “Would you all stop giving me that look?!”
“But Kunikida,” Yosano says, “why won’t you tell us where you’re going that you need to leave work before lunch?”
“Because I don’t feel like it.”
Really, Kunikida meant to explain after he announced that he’d be leaving the office in two hours, but then they all gave him the same sly look and he decided they didn’t deserve an explanation.
“Don’t be like that,” Dazai whines as Kunikida shuts his laptop down and puts it in his bag. “Just tell us.”
“I was going to, but you’ve annoyed me.”
“Fine,” Dazai says with a huff. “I’ll get my entertainment elsewhere. Atsushi, how’s your boyf-”
“No.”
“Ugh!” Dazai turns around and sings Ranpo’s name.
“No.”
“It’s like you people hate me.”
“I’ll talk to you,” Yosano says with a grin.
Dazai shudders. “What you do with Kouyou scares me. Genuinely.”
Atsushi shudders as well. “I never want to hear about Ane-san like that ever again, thank you very much.”
Kunikida rolls his eyes. He stands up and shoulders his bag before pushing his chair in. As if on cue, Bram enters the main office as Kunikida gets to the door.
Yosano sits up eagerly. “New case? Can I have it? I’m so bored!”
“Hm? No, my apologies, doctor. I’m actually leaving for the day.”
“And where are you going?” Dazai asks as Bram heads to the door that Kunikida opens.
Bram gives them all a cheeky grin as he guides Kunikida out of the office with a hand on his back. “It’s my anniversary.”
Kunikida winces when, after Bram pulls the door closed, someone’s mug shatters on the floor inside. “We forgot to tell them.”
Bram grins smugly. “I know.”
“Wh- why’d you do that, then?”
Kunikida starts walking when Bram gives him a small nudge.
Bram talks as they descend the stairs. “The doctor was talking about setting you up with a date yesterday. I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to explain why I looked so sour about it.”
“You’re insufferable.”
“Yet you married me.”
“Biggest mistake of my life,” Kunikida says in a fond tone.
“Aw, you don’t mean that, dear.” Bram pulls at Kunikida’s collar to kiss the bruise he’d left there. This one doesn’t come with a puncture wound and it has friends in places Bram would gouge an eye out for looking at. “So, where are we going to celebrate?”
“Home,” Kunikida says as they pass by the doorway to the cafe. “Aya’s on some kind of field trip with Chuuya to some aquarium.”
“Oh? Well, why didn’t you start with that?”
Lucy drops a coffee pot in the cafe.
(Aya startles a shark and several aquarium visitors when Dazai frantically texts Chuuya to ask him to ask Aya why she didn’t tell anyone her parents were married.
Needless to say, they all agree that even Aya didn’t know.
“Ugh, gay people,” Dazai says, which prompts a very incredulous look from Atsushi.)