Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

When I picked Joel up the next morning I was still feeling empty. I’d lived with that for a long time, both before Sarah and after, so I shoved it aside. It was a grey and stormy day, so I’d put a jacket on over my dark long-sleeved shirt.

Joel was in a good mood. ‘Ready to go find Mary-Anne?’ he asked as he fastened his seat belt.

I nodded. ‘You’re navigating.’

It was a fairly long drive, almost an hour, and despite Joel’s cheerfulness I couldn’t get into the conversation. From a long way off, I felt frustration at watching myself snub him. I could see him getting puzzled, before he gave up and left it at directions.

The property turned out to be a small rural cottage down a long tree-lined driveway. A herd of sheep grazed in a paddock at the front.

‘I’ll wait,’ I said, as Joel got out. ‘I’m not being much good today.’

He didn’t argue, and that didn’t hurt. The me that was on the outside knew that it should have.

While he was gone, I just sat and stared. There was a tree – I didn’t know what sort – and the branches were swaying in the wind, dark against the grey sky. I watched as they moved. The branches didn’t want anything from me, and I didn’t want anything from them. It was good.

I jumped when Joel opened the door and got back in. I went to turn the key, and only then realised that I hadn’t gotten around to shutting the engine down in the first place. After a moment, I realised that something else was expected of me.

‘How did it go?’ I asked. I thought I did a pretty good job of sounding human.

He just looked at me, and I knew he wasn’t fooled. I didn’t have anything else to say, so I looked at the branches again, waiting for him to break the silence.

Eventually, he put the handbrake on. ‘Get out. I’m driving.’

I did as he said, moving mechanically. I shut the door on the passenger’s side and fastened the seatbelt. Joel backed the car around to make a three point turn, then headed back to the road. He didn’t say anything until we were back in the city.

‘How do I get back to your apartment?’ he asked roughly.

I gave him directions. It didn’t really matter that he was angry. He’d leave me alone soon enough, and then I could just exist. He had to make u-turns twice when I was too slow speaking, and each time I saw his rage growing. He swore when I told him to turn around the second time. It was fine, though, because it all just rolled off me. Nothing he could do could hurt me, not the me that was living in the shell of my body.

When we finally got to my building, he parked wonkily in the basement. He ordered me out of the car and escorted me up to the apartment. When we were inside, he locked the door again. I was puzzled by that, because I’d assumed that he was going to leave, but it made no difference. I walked through to the sofa and sat, staring at the blank television screen.

Joel was making noises in the kitchen, but I ignored him. Some time later he snapped his fingers in front of my face. I made myself focus on him.

‘You home?’ he asked.

I shrugged. ‘Where else?’

He sat beside me, and I drew my feet up to give him space. ‘I’ve been a bloody idiot twice over, haven’t I?’ he said. He sounded like he was talking to himself, so I didn’t answer.

‘I was stupid enough not realising how you felt about my leg. It should have been obvious. But I should have seen days ago – hell, I should have seen at the airport – what else you were hiding. I mean, fair enough, it was in public. But when I stayed over, I should have known.’ He sounded angry again, but I wondered this time whether it was directed at me, or at himself.

When I still said nothing, he touched my shoulder, gently. ‘Take your jacket off, Simon,’ he said softly.

It was an effort. The floating bit of me that still had feelings was scared. It knew what would happen next, and it was shouting at my body, trying to convince it to run away, to fight back, but it was too heavy, and too hard. It was easier to shrug my jacket down my shoulders, so that Joel could tug it the rest of the way off. I tried to get my mind to work, to think of some way out, but my brain was working too slowly. My hands had started to tremble, and I balled them tightly, with my nails digging into my palms.

‘Can you take your shirt off?’ he asked.

I shook my head. When that didn’t seem to be enough, I whispered, ‘Just go. Please.’

Joel leaned away from me, considering. ‘I will if you really want me to,’ he said. ‘But I’m not leaving you alone like this. I’ll call an emergency hotline and hand you over to a psychiatrist. I should probably do that anyway.’

‘I’m fine,’ I said, clenching my fists tighter, and trying to keep my voice steady. ‘I am. I just need a bit of time to pull myself together again.’

He looked like he wanted to laugh. ‘You are definitely not fine,’ he said. ‘Now, I’m going to take your shirt off, okay?’

I didn’t move as he carefully undid the buttons on my cuffs and slid my sleeves up. When they wouldn’t roll up far enough, he came to crouch in front of me so that he could undo the front buttons too. I didn’t stop him as he gently pulled my shirt tails from the waist of my trousers and slid it back off my shoulders. I was shaking all over by then, and I could feel the tears building in my eyes. I wasn’t floating apart any more, and it hurt. It was better when I didn’t feel all the things my body did.

I knew what he was seeing. The patch of old scars, on the inside of my forearm. The reasonably old ones on my shoulder, that he wouldn’t have seen before. A few on my chest and sides. Scabbed lines, running up my arm, crossed with fresh. The fresh ones were deeper than the ones he’d seen when we were young.

‘Why?’ he asked, looking at me. There was a catch in his voice, and that was enough to make my eyes overflow. My tears ran down my cheeks and dripped onto my legs and the fabric of the sofa.

The trembling made it difficult to answer.

‘I guess it’s easier to feel this than everything else,’ I said.

Joel looked me over again. ‘It’s been going on for a while, huh?’ he said.

I nodded. ‘Since Sarah.’

‘You’re killing yourself.’

‘I know.’

‘Alright. Can you stand?’

‘Yeah.’ I did, but I was so shaky that he had to put his arm around my waist. I felt bad about that. He was gritting his teeth, and it obviously hurt his leg. But he supported me through to the bedroom and got me lying in my bed with my shoes and glasses off. He lay down on the covers behind me, our bodies separated by the duvet, and put an arm around me. ‘You rest. I’m going to have a think about how to handle this. But I’m not going anywhere.’

And, just like when we were children, I gripped his hand tightly, as if it was the only thing keeping me from drowning, and closed my eyes.

My mother’s fury when the police brought me home was beyond anything I’d seen before, and it lasted for weeks. The truth about the treehouse came out, and I only just managed to keep my other secret. She directed her anger at everyone; me, for sneaking out at night, Joel for dragging me into it, my step-father for building the treehouse in the first place, Charlie for not having told her about Joel and I spending time together at school. She bought two thick bolts, and drilled holes through my window so that I couldn’t open it at night. Every night, she checked on me at least five times.

I couldn’t sleep. There was still too much noise, and knowing that I was trapped, and that I was watched, made me feel pressure. There was no escape to be had, and I didn’t even understand why I was being punished. Hadn’t I saved Joel’s life when I found him? I wanted her to hug me, and I wanted to be able to tell her about what I’d seen, but her anger kept me away, made me feel like showing any sign of weakness would be a betrayal.

The next weekend the treehouse was taken apart. My step-father borrowed a chainsaw and cut the overhanging branches away carefully, so that no trace of it remained. My mother watched, her lips pressed tightly together, and when the debris had been loaded into a trailer for the dump, she breathed a sigh of relief and went back into the house.

Barry took the chance to sit on the steps. He was making notes on something in the notebook that he used to keep track of his jobs, and I came and sat next to him. There was a rolled cigarette tucked behind his ear.

‘You aren’t supposed to smoke,’ I told him, looking at it pointedly.

‘Don’t tell her, then,’ he said. ‘How are you holding up?’

‘I hate all of it,’ I told him. ‘I hate you, and her, and I hate being here.’

He shut his notebook. ‘Well, I’m sorry you feel that way, but it’s no use expecting any of us to change. We are who we are.’

‘Then why can’t I be who I am?’ I asked. ‘Why am I supposed to be different if you won’t? I didn’t choose any of this. I don’t even know what was so bad.’

‘You’ll understand when you’re older. Mostly your mother’s worried about you. Joel’s older than you, and she thinks he could have hurt you.’

‘How could he? It’s only ever grown-ups that hurt us.’ I scuffed a stone with my shoe.

Barry sighed. ‘Well, she thinks Joel’s more grown up than you. I know he didn’t try anything, and she knows that as well, but she can’t stop thinking that it could have happened, and that it might happen again. So she wants to make sure you’re safe, no matter the cost.’

‘But it’s not her cost!’ I argued. ‘It’s me that has to lie awake all night tearing my hair out. I can’t sleep and I can’t think and I can’t breathe. You only think that’s better because you aren’t me.’

‘Then let me give you some advice,’ he said, taking the cigarette from behind his ear and fishing a lighter out of his pocket. ‘She doesn’t trust you right now. Try to understand why she’s so upset, and tell her you’re sorry. You’ll need to mean it.’

‘And then what?’ I asked viciously. ‘I’ll still be trapped. It won’t make anything better, so why bother?’

He took a puff of his cigarette, then left it in his mouth while he opened his notebook again. ‘I’ve had a couple of thoughts about that,’ he said, talking around the cigarette as he flicked through the pages. ‘What about something like this?’

‘What is it?’ I asked, looking at the collection of sketches. Most of them seemed to be pieces of a building, but they didn’t look like they fitted together.

He leant back with his cigarette in hand. ‘It’s a sleep-out¹. We could knock something like that up in a couple of weeks, make it nice. Insulation, lock on the door, all that jazz. It’ll be a hard sell, but I reckon I can convince her it’s the best option, especially if you make nice and show her you can be trusted.’

My heart leapt, a grin growing on my face. ‘That’s amazing!’ I said. ‘You’d do that?’

He blew out a long, slow cloud of smoke. ‘Yeah. Can teach you some of the trade. Don’t grow up a builder, you’d be wasted on it, but it never hurts to learn how things are done.’ He paused, looking at the smoke disappearing on the breeze. ‘I found out years ago that I couldn’t have kids of my own. It always seemed a bit of a shame. Hit my mother hard, too, because it was right after my sister told us that she was gay. No grandkids from either of us. Now Tricia’s wondering about you, and she doesn’t like the idea at all.’

‘I don’t even know myself,’ I said, surprised. 

‘Yeah, you are pretty young still,’ he said. ‘It’s something you learn about yourself as you get older. But I’d have told my kids that being happy means being themselves, and if they’re lucky enough to fall in love why should it matter whether it’s with a boy or a girl? Anyway, don’t worry about it for a few years yet. Your mother’ll get over it in the end.’

I watched as he stubbed out his cigarette and stretched, preparing to stand.

‘You would have made a good dad,’ I said.

He grinned at me as he picked up the notebook. ‘That means a lot. Now, I reckon she’s calmed down enough that I can risk showing her this.’

It was my bladder that jolted me awake, sending urgent messages to my brain. A moment later, my stomach chimed in, telling me that I was ravenously hungry. I reached out and fumbled for the bedside table, feeling for my glasses. Nothing. I cracked my eyes open, futile though I knew it would be, and tried to sit up. Something heavy was holding me back.

‘What’re you looking for?’ Joel asked from behind me.

‘Glasses,’ I said, squinting. ‘I need the bathroom.’

I felt him move, blurrily saw him walk in front of me and push something into my questing hand. ‘Here.’

I pushed them onto my face and blinked my eyes into focus. Then I stood and grabbed my dressing gown from the back of the door and shrugged it on, before racing to relieve myself. When I was done, I rushed through to the kitchen and began digging in the pantry. I’d downed half a bowl of cereal when Joel came through from the bedroom.

‘You’re obviously feeling better,’ he said.

‘Just starving. I’m going to have to get groceries soon. There’s no food in this house.’ I picked up the box and shook the rest of the cereal into my bowl.

‘Well, when you’re done eating, we’ve got a couple of things to do,’ he said, giving me a strange look.

‘Oh, yeah!’ I swallowed my mouthful. ‘How did it go with Mary-Anne? I never asked. Tell me all about it!’

‘She doesn’t live there any more. I met a woman called Holly, who works from home selling homespun organic wool, or something. She has quite a lot of sheep. Holly bought the place a few years ago, and she thought the previous owner left some forwarding details, so she took my details and said she’d have a go at finding them when she was less busy.’

‘That sucks. I should have looked at the property online and saved us a trip. We might be able to contact whoever the agent was and see if they have anything on file.’ I rinsed my bowl under the tap. ‘I’m gonna make toast. Do you want some?’

‘I’m good. So, do you want to talk about it?’ He leaned his elbows on the counter.

I shrugged, putting bread in the machine. ‘Not really. Most of the time I’m fine, but once in a blue moon I just get... Something changes in my head, and I don’t deal with it very well. It was worse after Sarah left, but it’s always been something I’ve had inside me. I know it doesn’t make much sense.’

Joel watched as I looked in the pantry and pulled out peanut butter and jam. ‘We all have issues, Si. Even the people who aren’t us have their problems.’

‘You turned out alright,’ I said. ‘I’ve got no right to be a mess if you aren’t.’

‘You think I’m not?’ Joel laughed. ‘There’s a lot of things that I just have to avoid. I don’t like small rooms, or being in places with closed doors. I have panic attacks in the dark. I’m almost thirty and I sleep with the lights on. I live out of the city, and I have alarms across the driveway because if people turn up suddenly, I can’t handle it. It’s so goddamn hard to get through each day without just collapsing in a heap, but if I do that it all gets worse.’

‘Oh.’

‘None of that is the worst thing, though. Something broke in me, years ago, maybe even before the treehouse. The only person I ever get angry at is me.’

‘I don’t-’ I began, but he cut me off.

‘It sounds stupid, right? But it’s true. When I was a kid, every time I got angry, I’d get hurt. When I got hurt, I was angry at myself for making it happen. So I just stopped. I realised that you weren’t here this morning, because a piece of me is like that all the time.’

‘That explains how you’ve managed to be so patient with me,’ I said, trying to keep my voice light.

‘Yeah, in a way.’ He sighed. ‘Your toast popped, by the way. I can feel frustration, and disappointment, and all that, but there’s a freedom in being angry that I really envy. And it’s confidence, too, because it means that you’re valuing yourself. Anger protects you, I guess. Instead, I learnt that it’s better to accept whatever gets thrown at me, because if I fight it, things only get worse.’

‘I guess I don’t have a monopoly on issues after all,’ I said, putting the toast on a plate.

He watched as I opened the jar of peanut butter. ‘It was fine when I was younger, in the group home. They all expected us to have issues. But then I got older, and it was like, you’re an adult now, so you’ve grown out of it, right? But for me it was like all that crap just grew with me, so the person I’ve become is still shaped by it all.’

That made sense to me. ‘Like a tree,’ I said. ‘Like it has to take a twist around something to get to the sun. When the tree’s older that thing might not be there anymore, but the trunk is still bent.’

‘Or like my leg,’ Joel agreed. ‘I can accept it’s part of me, but how am I supposed to be over it, when it’s still here affecting my life? I wanted to be a pilot, but you have to be able-bodied for that. I’ll move on when I can be a pilot.’

I stared down at my toast, my hunger gone. ‘We’re both pretty broken,’ I said. ‘And I don’t think I could stand being fixed.’

‘I am what the world has made me,’ he said. ‘Now I figure that the world just has to deal with it. If you aren’t going to eat that, I will.’

‘You said you weren’t hungry.’ I pushed the plate over to him. ‘What do we do now?’

Joel shrugged. ‘No idea. Hope Holly gets back to us, and until then, just keep on going.’

‘Do you want to go to the supermarket, or order takeaways?’ I asked.

‘Takeaways, definitely. I want to watch movies and stop thinking.’

We agreed that the next two Pirates movies were worth it, and settled onto the couch. My nap had actually taken us through until late afternoon. It was just before five o’clock when Joel’s phone rang. I hurried to pause the movie while he answered.

‘Holly?’ I asked, once the conversation was over. The person on the other end had done most of the talking.

‘Mary-Anne herself,’ Joel replied. ‘Holly got in touch with her and passed my number on. She’s happy to meet us tomorrow, but she wants it to be somewhere public. She suggested a park.’

‘That sounds okay,’ I said, typing the name into my phone. ‘What time?’

‘Midday.’

‘That’s good. Sundays are family dinner night, so I need to be back here by three-thirty, four o’clock. Mum gets mad if any of us are later than four-thirty.’

‘I’m sure giving her an envelope won’t take that long,’ Joel said. ‘But I can’t believe you do family dinners every week.’

I shrugged. ‘Yeah, me neither, but she likes to see me and my brother in the same room. It gives her a chance to pester us both at once. If you want to join us, I’ll text her and let her know.’

‘I wouldn’t be crashing the party?’ he asked.

‘Not too badly. Besides, I can’t just ditch you on your last night in Auckland.’ I sent the message quickly, then pressed play on the movie.

Joel didn’t make it back to his hotel that night either, so in the morning we did a run so that he could get fresh clothes before meeting the mysterious Mary-Anne. The sky was cloudy, but it didn’t feel like it was going to rain, and the wind had died.

We pulled up to the park a few minutes early.

‘How do we find this Mary-Anne?’ I asked.

‘She said there’s a bench under a big pine tree,’ Joel replied.

The grass was green, but the ground was muddy beneath it, and my feet sank slightly with each step. We quickly found a picnic table under a pine at the far end of the park. One or two people were about, jogging or walking dogs, but though the table was easy to see, it seemed to be off the main walking paths.

‘Do you get the impression that this woman is a little paranoid?’ I asked softly, as we sat down.

Joel made a face. ‘I can’t judge.’

‘True.’

We sat for a few more minutes. On the dot of twelve, a woman approached us, with a teenage girl in tow. She said something to the girl, who nodded and walked off towards the carpark, then approached alone. Her hair was greying. She looked to be about fifty.

Joel stood to greet her. ‘Joel Mason, we spoke on the phone. This is Simon.’

She nodded at us. ‘Mary-Anne. Take a seat.’

‘This is for you,’ Joel said as he sat, fishing out the letter and pushing it across the table.

Mary-Anne took it carefully and examined it. ‘Thank you. You didn’t read it?’

‘I was tempted.’

She opened the envelope carefully. ‘Understandably so, I suppose. It’s been sixteen years now.’ She slid the paper out and unfolded it, scanning the contents with a grin.

‘How did you know my mother?’ Joel asked.

‘Oh, that’s a long story.’ She folded the paper back up and stuck it in the envelope. ‘We met at a prenatal class, when she was pregnant with you. I was seventeen, she was nineteen and newly married. We were the youngest there. But tell me about you. Do you live here in Auckland still?’

‘Christchurch, actually. I moved a few years ago. It’s cheaper to live down there, and I had nothing to keep me here.’

‘Do you work?’ Mary-Anne asked.

‘Web design. Yourself?’

She laughed. ‘Bits and pieces. Do you have a family? Children of your own?’

‘I don’t. I never really had the option, but even if I had, I’d have been too worried about being the sort of parent that I had.’ He cocked his head. ‘This feels like an interrogation.’

‘I suppose it is. I’m sure that with your upbringing, you can understand my caution. Louise was trying to look into the future, but no one can ever truly tell what their children will become. You could be like your father.’

He went very still.

‘No. Never.’

And in that moment, I understood what he’d meant the day before, about being broken. That had been the moment to feel a stab of anger at the insult, but it had turned inwards.

‘Did you set this meeting up just to insult my friend?’ I asked. ‘If so, we’re done here.’

‘Do you trust him?’ she asked.

I tried not to grind my teeth. ‘Yes. Of course I do. I’ve saved his life and he’s saved mine. He’s the best friend I’ve ever had, and no matter how many times I let him down he’s always been here for me. He’s done nothing to deserve what happened, and I’m not going to let you sit here saying that he does.’

‘I apologise, but I had to be sure.’ She sighed. ‘Well, I’ll get it over with then. When your mother came and stayed with me, she was pregnant. Had the loveliest little girl you ever saw, and left her with me when she went back to get you. Then she never came back, so I kept that baby, and kept her safe. She left those letters as a back up plan, in case the worst happened to her, so that there was a chance you’d be reunited with your sister.’

There was a long silence. At last, looking stunned, Joel managed ‘I... I have a sister?’

I took Joel’s hand under the table and squeezed it hard. ‘How?’ I asked.

‘Do you want the long version?’ Mary-Anne looked at us. ‘Well, when you were born, Joel, Louise was in love with your father. She knew as the years went by that he wasn’t perfect, but she had a criminal conviction from when she was a bit younger, and knew that if she tried to take you it wouldn’t go in her favour. Besides, she thought it was better for you to have your father, even with what was happening. But when she fell pregnant again, she knew she couldn’t put another child into that house. She kept it quiet, and when she started to show, she came and stayed with me. When the baby was born, we passed her off as mine, and once she’d healed, she went to find a way to get you out too. I never heard from her again, so I raised her daughter as my own, and kept her safe.’

‘I remember her going away,’ Joel said. ‘It was right before... She was back for a night, and gone in the morning. Then it was a day or two later that my father left me to die, and hung himself.’

‘I didn’t know that,’ Mary-Anne said softly. ‘I thought that with your mother gone, he’d have the right to take your sister if he’d found out about her.’

‘My mother was never found. I always... I didn’t know what to think. The rumour was that Dad killed her, but without a body... And he was dead too, so it didn’t really matter. I got put in a home. Mum was declared legally dead five years later.’

‘Shit. If I’d known... but she was so scared going back. I thought all this business with the letters was paranoia, but when she vanished... Shit.’

‘What’s my sister like?’ Joel asked.

‘Oh, she’s amazing.’ Mary-Anne grinned. ‘She’s sixteen, and it shows. Her hair’s been five different colours this month alone, and she won’t put her phone down. She paints, and she’s good at it, but it’s not really a career, so she’s looking at options. I’ve got money put aside for uni if that’s what she wants to do. She’s smart enough.’

‘Does she know about me?’

‘She does, I made sure she knew growing up. These things always come out in the end, and children can handle a lot more than we think, as long as we love them.’ She looked at her phone. ‘And she’s just asked if I’m going to spend all day talking. She wants to meet you.’

There were tears in Joel’s eyes. ‘I want to meet her too.’

She looked like Joel, with the same dark hair, but hers was long, with blue and pink dyed into the ends. Mary-Anne introduced us.

‘Libby, this is your brother, Joel, and his friend Simon. Joel, your sister, Liberty.’

‘Not what you expected?’ I asked as we drove away, much later that afternoon.

‘Not even a little bit. I think I’m in shock.’

‘You look like it. She seems great, though. Do you want to swap for my brother?’

‘Not a chance.’ He stared out the window. ‘Libby’s so happy. She has so many dreams still.’

‘You mean she hasn’t been crushed by life like us old cynics?’

‘Pretty much. Mary-Anne’s been a really good mother.’ Joel sighed. ‘Libby asked if I’d come visit her again.’

‘Of course you will,’ I said. ‘You will, right?’

‘Yeah, I have to. But I was going to ask anyway whether you wanted me to visit again.’

‘That would be nice,’ I said, but it didn’t seem to be enough. I struggled for words. ‘You’re my best friend, Joel. I’ve missed you a lot over the years. Let’s not go back to that.’

‘It hurt like hell when you walked away, and I didn’t understand why you did it.’

‘I wish I could change that,’ I said softly. ‘I didn’t know how to talk about how I was feeling, and everything seemed to have gone wrong. I thought I was being strong by not letting you in. I didn’t want you to know that I couldn’t stop thinking of you dead at the bottom of the stairs. It was a mistake.’

He winced. ‘I really do get that now. We were so young, and I can’t imagine that I’d handle it well if it had been you. And I made mistakes too. There’s a lot I regret, but I don’t regret the time with you.’

‘Neither do I,’ I said, my throat constricting.

He let out a relieved breath. ‘Alright. That’s sorted then. I’ll just turn up at your door and expect to be able to stay whenever I want, and if you don’t like it, I’m going to guilt trip you hard.’

‘I’d like some notice,’ I said. ‘It’s to your benefit to give me time to buy food.’

‘True. It’s a deal. And speaking of food, when are we expected for dinner?’

I groaned. ‘We’ve got time to go home and shower, but not much more than that. And I’ll have to stop to buy a bottle of wine. Mum’ll be insulted if I don’t bring something.’

My mother and step-father lived in the same house that they had bought together when I was a child. The old puriri tree had come down years ago, and a row of shrubs now lined the inside of the fence. The old concrete square that had held my sleep-out was still there – in summer we rolled the barbeque out to it. We hadn’t had a permit to build the sleep-out, so we’d been careful not to fix it to the ground, and it had been dismantled when I’d left to go flatting. That had surprised me. I’d assumed that Charlie would want it for his own space, but he’d had no interest.

The grey day was fading into a dreary dusk by the time we pulled up a little after five. My brother’s car was in the driveway already, and I parked behind it, blocking him in.

‘Anything I should be careful about?’ Joel asked as I opened my door.

I shrugged. ‘Mum hasn’t changed much. She expected me to have a normal life, and she still hasn’t quite realised that it’s not happening. Just don’t let on about... you know. Yesterday.’

‘Got it.’

‘One other thing,’ I said. ‘She might not be happy that we’re back together. I think Mum always knew that you weren’t like my other friends, and she didn’t like it.’

‘I don’t have to come,’ Joel said seriously.

I shrugged, getting out of the car. ‘It’s fine. You’re part of my life again, and she’s going to have to get used to that sooner or later. I’m not going to pretend that you aren’t important.’

We walked up to the house. I knocked, but didn’t wait for an answer and went in, calling out a greeting. Joel followed, carrying the bottle of wine in a paper bag.

My step-father was deep in conversation with Charlie in the lounge, but they broke it off when we came in. ‘It’s good to see you again,’ Barry said to Joel, while Charlie shot me a grin behind his back.

‘Is that Simon?’ Mum called through the kitchen door.

I went through to give her a hug. ‘I know, I’m sorry we’re late. What’s for dinner?’

‘Carbonara,’ she said. ‘It’ll be ready soon. Oh, hello, Joel,’ she added, as he came in with the bottle of wine.

‘Hi, Tricia,’ he said, holding out the wine. ‘It’s a white, so it’ll need to be cooled.’

She took it from him and put it in the fridge. ‘You go back to the lounge. I don’t want you in my hair while I’m concentrating on this sauce.’

‘You get kicked out too?’ Charlie asked as we made our retreat. ‘She’s been on the warpath all afternoon.’

‘I heard that!’ Mum said loudly.

He rolled his eyes. ‘It’s all part of being family, right?’

‘I suppose so,’ I said, taking a seat on the couch. After a moment’s hesitation, Joel sat in an armchair.

For a moment no one spoke, then Barry broke the silence by asking Joel about his work. As I listened to him talk about web-design – it must have been the third or fourth time I’d heard it during this visit – I found myself feeling rather fond of my step-father. We’d had a rocky start, but  over time, I had come to genuinely respect him, both for his own sake, and for his obvious love for my mother. If he hadn’t married her, it would have been my brother and I taking responsibility for her.

As their conversation buzzed on, Charlie used it to cover a murmur. ‘Fair warning, bro. She’s gonna ask you about Sarah again.’

‘She’d better not,’ I muttered back.

He chuckled. ‘Bet you ten dollars.’

‘No deal,’ I said.

My mother wouldn’t let us help with anything beyond setting the table. She opened our bottle of wine and spread it around, but I covered my glass with my hand. ‘No thanks. I’m driving, Mum.’

She gave me a hard look. ‘It’s Sunday, Simon. There won’t be any police stops on a Sunday.’

I gave in and let her pour into my glass. ‘Just a small one, then.’ The possibility of police stops hadn’t been the point, but it would only lead to trouble to try to explain.

She took the empty bottle back to the kitchen, and Barry held out his glass. ‘There’ll be a toast,’ he warned, as I tipped half of mine into his.

The food itself was lovely. The homemade carbonara was rich and creamy, the pasta cooked perfectly. Everyone at the table gave heartfelt compliments as my mother sat at the head of the table and raised her glass. ‘To my children,’ she proclaimed. ‘I sincerely hope that one day they will share my happiness by having children of their own.’

I tried not to grimace as I drank. The wine was good and sweet, but my mother had soured it.

We dug in, quiet at first apart from appreciative noises. ‘This is really delicious,’ Joel said. ‘What recipe did you use?’

‘An old family one,’ my mother answered. ‘My grandmother was Italian. Charlie, I want to hear all about your plans for going away.’

Charlie’s friends had big dreams. Three of them all had birthdays in the same week, so there were twenty of them who had booked tickets to go to Fiji. It sounded like the plans consisted of drinking, beaches, and the hope of meeting women in bikinis. He was looking forward to it immensely, though he confided in us that he didn’t think that any women would be tempted by his friends, especially when they’d spent several days roaring drunk.

‘And how’s your work been going, Simon?’ my mother asked me.

‘It’s been good,’ I said. ‘I’ve been working on an interesting article. But I took Friday off to take Joel around the city.’

She gave me a look. ‘Well, don’t do that too often, will you? It makes you seem unreliable.’

I tried not to show my annoyance. ‘It was fine, Mum, really. I’ve got so much leave saved up that my boss is practically begging me to use it.’

‘Then why not use it to take a bigger trip?’ she suggested. ‘I know that if you took a month off and went to Canada to stay with Sarah, she’d love to see you.’

‘Mum-’ I began, but she cut me off.

‘I had a lovely email from her just a couple of days ago. You really should be writing to her. If you’d just apologise for whatever you did wrong, you could-’

‘Mum!’ I was shouting, but I didn’t care. I pushed my chair back violently and stood. ‘Shut up about Sarah! It was over a year ago! Move on already!’ And I stormed from the room.

As I left, I heard her say, ‘Well, I don’t know what I said to deserve that.’ That sent me right out of the house and around to the back steps, where the air was cool and quiet, apart from the chirping of cicadas. I sat down and looked up at the sky. It was dark but overcast, and the city lights glowed on the bottoms of the clouds. It made them look upside down.

After a minute, someone sat down next to me, and I looked over.

‘Not who you expected?’ my step-father asked quietly.

I looked back up at the sky. ‘I wish she’d accept that it’s over with Sarah,’ I said.

‘She doesn’t understand why it ended,’ Barry said. ‘Nor did I until just now.’

‘I loved Sarah,’ I said, watching the clouds shift. The light made them look a dirty brown. ‘But I never felt like I deserved her. It was always borrowed time, and we both knew it really.’

‘Are you too old for me to give you my words of wisdom?’ he asked, and I grinned. He’d given me a lot of advice over the years.

‘Go for it,’ I told him.

‘You’ve always been... tense, might be the word,’ he began. ‘You’re always watching yourself, you don’t relax. Even when you were a kid, you were happier alone because you always got stressed whenever someone was around. How’m I doing?’

‘Maybe,’ I said, scuffing my shoe along the ground.

He kicked his leg out. ‘Well, you were like that around Sarah, too, and I guess when you say you didn’t deserve her, that’s what you meant. If you stuffed up, you knew she’d be gone.’ I didn’t say anything, but after a moment, he continued. ‘Anyway, I don’t think I ever saw you as happy with someone as when you came in here with Joel tonight. Oh, sure, you knew that Tricia wouldn’t make it easy, you knew there’d be a fight, but you never doubted that he was in your corner. I don’t know what’s between you two, but he makes you happy like I never saw, and that’s worth holding on to.’

‘I guess I am happy,’ I said. ‘I mean, I’m happy that he’s my friend again. He always was the best friend I ever had, but he’s more than that. I think I’m still figuring it out.’

‘Maybe it doesn’t matter what you call it,’ he suggested. ‘Have a talk with him. Work out for yourselves what you mean.’

‘Yeah, maybe.’ I sighed. ‘We should go back in. Mum’ll be pissed.’

‘Don’t be too harsh on her. She wants you to be happy, but you aren’t what she expected you to be.’

I stood. ‘It’s my life, not hers. She needs to learn that.’

We walked back towards the front of the house again. ‘It’s always hard for parents to let go. And don’t forget that she saw you struggle when you were younger. She sometimes thinks she still has to fix you.’

‘I’m not broken,’ I said, as I pushed the door open. For the first time in a long time, I meant it.

After dinner, I dropped Joel back off at his hotel. He had joked that he should have used the room for more than just unpacking and then packing. I was sad that he would be leaving, and lonely, that he wouldn’t be in my home for his last night, but alongside that I was quite glad to have a chance to think my own feelings through. My step-father was right that we would need to sort out with each other what our relationship would look like going forward, but first I needed to try and find out what my own position was.

It wasn’t late when I got home, and, finally, I remembered to message Maggie asking if I could come in to work later tomorrow, so that I could drop Joel off in the morning. She replied a few minutes later saying the whole day was mine if I wanted it, but I refused. I felt bad enough to have dropped my article for as long as I had. That prompted me to open my laptop and look at the documents I had open. Yes, I had the bones of something good, but...

I wrote a few notes, but spent more time staring at the screen, thinking through possibilities and links. I had all the information I needed, and surely there was some way to put it all together in a way that was new. It all had to add up to something. But the thread I was chasing eluded me, and eventually I gave up.

My bed was cold, and I tossed and turned for a long time before I settled in to sleep. In the morning, as I went through my usual routine, the apartment was silent. It amused me, to find that so little time had been enough to make me expect Joel’s presence. I wondered how long before he’d come back. Surely, with Libby as well as me, he wouldn’t leave it too long. I hoped not.

Joel was quiet when I picked him up. I was a little late, having been caught in the tail end of the rush hour traffic, but he didn’t comment.

‘Looking forward to going home?’ I asked him as we drove.

‘Yes and no.’ He stopped, and I waited for him to continue. ‘It’s always nice to be home, but I’ve had a great time up here too.’

‘It’s certainly been interesting,’ I allowed.

He laughed. ‘It’s had its moments.’

‘What was the highlight? My mental breakdown, or finding out that you have a sister?’

‘Oh, my sister, definitely.’

I shook my head. ‘That was pretty crazy. I wouldn’t ever have called that.’

‘Me either.’

We sat in silence for a few moments, as I inched the car forward toward the motorway onramp. It wasn’t until we were speeding up to go through the lights that Joel spoke again.

‘I’m really glad I did this. Came back to the city, I mean. I was pretty nervous about it.’

‘I’m not surprised,’ I said, merging into a lane. ‘You had a lot of stuff to get through.’

‘It’s more than that. I moved south because I was running away. There were too many memories up here. But I feel like maybe I can start making new ones now. I don’t have to keep running any more.’

‘I’m glad,’ I said, and I meant it. ‘I just... I keep thinking of the time we lost because I was too scared to be around you. I don’t want to lose any more.’

‘I was thinking about that,’ Joel replied, sounding slightly embarrassed. ‘Well, not quite that, I guess, but I want to come back. Obviously, to visit, for you and for Libby, but maybe it’s time to move back for good. I have family here again.’

‘What, find a little cottage that you could rent outside the city? You could have sheep, like that woman did. What was her name?’

He laughed. ‘Holly. Don’t be silly. I’d be useless at chasing sheep around a paddock.’

‘You’d have a sheepdog, obviously,’ I told him. ‘An old English sheepdog with long fur. You’ll have to vacuum every day.’

‘Nope, not happening. When you visit, you’re going to be knee-deep in fluff, and you’ll know it’s your own fault.’

‘You can add it to the wool and sell it,’ I suggested, laughing.

‘I’m sure people do that,’ he said thoughtfully. ‘But I wasn’t going to rush into any big decisions. I thought maybe when I come up next, I’ll take some time to do a bit of driving around the outskirts, see where I’d like to live.’

I took a deep breath. ‘Maybe when you find something, you’ll need a flatmate. Auckland property is expensive, even to rent.’

‘Maybe I will,’ he said softly. ‘Is that what you want to be? Flatmates?’

‘Well, friends too, obviously. And psychological support every now and again.’ I cleared my throat. ‘And, well, I do like having you around.’ I’d been trying to say that I’d missed him last night, but the words caught, and I had to change them.

‘I can probably handle that,’ he said. ‘But what about the commute?’

‘I managed with Sarah,’ I told him. ‘And Maggie’s pretty relaxed. There’s a lot we can do without being in the office.’

‘Well, it might not happen at all,’ he said. ‘But I think I’d like it too.’

And that made my chest bubble with happiness. I couldn’t help but smiling as I parked at the airport.

I helped him with his bag into the building. ‘When are you coming back?’ I asked.

‘Not sure yet. Maybe a month?’

‘Just give me more warning, so I can take my days off properly this time,’ I told him.

‘Yeah, I will,’ he agreed. ‘Well, I suppose I should go check in.’

I put my arms around him and hugged him tightly.

‘I’ll miss you,’ he said into my shoulder, as he hugged me back. I just nodded.

After a couple of minutes we let go, and he disappeared into the maze of the airport. I watched, then went back to my car.

When I got to the office, I tapped on Maggie’s door. She motioned me in, and I closed the door.

‘Simon. How was your weekend?’ she asked.

‘It was good.’ I took the seat in front of her. ‘Actually, no, it was kinda rough. Joel was my friend from way back, and spending time with him brought some stuff to the surface.’

‘Are you alright?’ she leaned forward, sounding concerned.

I took a deep breath. ‘Yeah, I am. But... I guess I realised that I haven’t been okay for a while. You know, since the divorce, or a bit before. And it’s time I faced that. I think I might need to get help.’

She looked relieved. ‘I’ve been hoping you’d say that for a long time. I’ll send some things through to your email to have a look at about ways we can get you some support. Just let me know if there’s anything else we can do to help you.’

‘There’s one thing I was thinking of,’ I said. ‘I’d like to write about it, get it out of my head and onto paper. And maybe reading my story will help other people.’

Footnotes: 

1. Sleep-out - a sleep-out is a standalone building constructed as an extra bedroom. Used for troublesome teens and long-term lodgers (at least by my hippie rellies²). ^

2. Rellies - relatives, in my case my wonderful but completely mad aunt and uncle- look, just read the story. ^