Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

It's a monday and all things considered lifes going pretty great. I wake up somehow with the bright idea to completely ruin my own life and quit my job. Solid move, would do again. 

“Well, what are your thoughts?” I ask Ray as he sits across from me. He’s nursing a headache with an unappetizing mug of what looks like a watered down latte. 

He breaks eye contact with me to take a few sips of his disgusting looking beverage and I study his expression as his lips automatically curve into a frown. I can’t tell if he’s less fond of my actions or the beverage. “Not the best choice?” I ask.

“Mew, why quit? Does Top know about this?” He asks hesitantly. Ray doesn’t like Top and Top doesn’t necessarily mind Ray's presence on a monthly basis, so I’m not quite sure why he would even worry about the other worrying.

“I don’t see why this needs to be any of his business.” I say and the tone of my voice definitely gave away a twinge too much of my annoyance. Soon Rays smashed himself into the seat right beside me and his face was mere inches away from mine. I feared the devil’s bath water he was drinking was in actuality a speed potion. Fascinating. 

“Talk.” Ray says grabbing sugar packets. He rips at the tear line quickly with his teeth and dumps about three packets worth into his drink. I laugh at his eagerness and he rolls his eyes quickly to respond, “I’ve been praying for his downfall weekly, please tell me he did something dumb again and now it's over, forever.”

I laugh at the comment, it's a given that no matter the argument Ray will be on my side but I also know that Top’s number is on speed dial in his phone. “I don’t want to talk about it, it's just petty stuff like always. I’m sure we’ll both be over it soon enough.”

I avoid Ray's gaze and pretend the beat of silence that passes doesn’t exist. Apparently in the last few years since Ray’s been going to therapy he’s not only gotten better at opening up but also better at seeing when others are shutting down. Quite frankly I prefer him not to notice my pain and I’m very happy he chooses to let my avoidance be accepted. 

“Want to hear my stuff?” He asks and I’m eager to turn the spotlight away from myself. I slide the utterly terrifying liquid nightmare away from him as a gesture for him to go on. 

“Sand and I are fighting.” Ray says, swatting at my hands on his drink. He takes another sip as I pretend to not be relieved that someone else's love life is taking a bad turn.

“No, that can’t be right.” I say and I appreciate the way he doesn’t send me death glares for smiling. 

“You’re lucky I’m used to your bullshit.” Ray says, pushing the mug up to my lips. “Drink, and I’ll forgive you.”

“You’re saying it all cute and sweet but I see the evil in your soul.” I say taking in a huge sip, it's thick and lukewarm with a clear texture of undissolved sugar. “I don’t actually think I need forgiveness, on second thought.”

“I think this might be it for us Mew.”

“Don’t say that.” I say through sips of water. “ I mean have you ever not run back to him after a big fight? No offense of course.”

“Nope. That's not it.” Ray shakes his head. 

“No? Wait, he did something this time? Oh, well give me the details.” I am completely willing to change the subject if he insists. Well, I know he would rarely ever refuse my questioning. 

I have no doubts that he’s cursing me in his mind but Ray just sighs and rubs at his temple with his right hand. “Where do I even begin?”

“Right in the middle, I don’t need any build up.” I say dodging out of the way as he reaches over to punch me in the shoulder.

“Sand and I were cleaning the rooms out this weekend and I found a box in some of his storage things that had like, a dozen or more phone numbers in it. Can you believe that?” Ray asks. 

“New or old?”

“Both.”

“He asked for them?”

“No.”

“He called them?” 

“No.”

“Give me something to work with here bud.” I say not wanting to negate his worries but also a little underwhelmed. 

“Mew!” Ray shouts startling an older lady who was busy reading by the window. “Sorry, sorry.” He lets out an embarrassed gasp as he turns back to me. 

“It's more than that, did you recognize the numbers or something?” I ask patting his head gently waiting for him to finish trying to turn invisible. 

“Am I overreacting? It's just he kept them and I hate that, isn’t that enough?” Ray asks lifting up his head to make eye contact with me. “Plus, plus it was hidden which means he didn’t want me to find it, right?”

“Ah, yeah I get that. That probably wasn’t a great argument though, was he mad, were you mad? How bad was the fight because I can and will march over there and–” Ray cuts me off before I can finish declaring my loyalty to him. 

“Shut it.” He says and I wince having forgotten his headache completely. 

“Sorry.”

“S’fine, basically it was a screaming match and things quieted down so I thought he was just going to apologize and we’d move on but then.” Ray exhales and his cheeks puff up. “He goes and tells me that he thought about calling one of the numbers. Can you believe that?”

No, I cannot. Sand would move heaven and earth before even daring to make Ray feel less than literally worth every ounce of his time for every second they were together. I am selfish at the moment though..

“Well it's not what I would do.”

I think I planted a seed of doubt in his mind that sprouted into something I hadn’t meant to start.

Sitting waiting on a park bench the air isn’t quite crisp or chilly but I feel a slight shiver run down my spine as a voice whispers in my ear from behind me. 

“Hand over the cash.” The voice I recognize instantly as Mew says. As I quickly turn to look over my shoulder at him he jumps back laughing at my poor defense stance. 

“Sorry it 's just too hard to resist. Everything was laid out for me, was I supposed to ignore the opportunity?” Mew asks between laughs. 

He texted me saying to meet outside of his and Tops apartment at the park only a few minutes walk away. Sand didn’t spare me a glance as I walked out of the house and I dread each second that passes without a text from him telling me to be careful. 

My eyes trace over the box being shoved in my face and I sigh pulling my best friend to sit beside me on the bench. “What's that?” I ask and Mew can barely hide his excitement though as a street light finally illuminates the label just right. 

“What you’re seeing as the lucky winner of the Mew entertainment hour is a humble and genius prize.” Mew says withdrawing the box and pulling it to his chest. “Dear contestant please wait for me to sober up before asking any rules to the game.”

“Didn’t you just say I already won?” I ask as he looks over to me with his brows furrowed. Mew was never quite the playful type when drunk but I hesitate to laugh at his antics only wishing for him to sit still and stop flailing his arms about. 

“What? I mean, I guess you did win but.” Mew pauses his ramblings to only shrug his shoulders at me. “I think I forgot to give the speech on the phone about you winning by showing up. This isn’t fair.” He says and he starts undoing the first two buttons on his shirt. 

“Dumbass, Hand it over.” I try to say it as sternly as possible but Mew laughs in my face while holding it just out of reach. I resign myself to having to steadily coax his worries out of him. 

“Take it.” He says breathlessly, the street lights are giving his disheveled hair a halo effect and had it been any other night he would have been pestering me to take photos at just the right angle. 

I give my best attempt at a threat standing to my full height and taking out my phone from my pocket. “One, two–”

“Here, here. You’re no fun.” Mew says laughing, he’s fumbling around in his pockets and eventually pulls out a lighter. “I’d light it for you but I’m fresh out of fuel.”

I take in his appearance fully and as my mind runs through the events of earlier that day I feel pity for my friend. I wonder if he and Top had just finished dinner and try to redirect my eyes from how his black button up hugs at his waist. Mew smiled up at me from where I was now standing and pouted. 

What was Sand doing now I wonder. Was he waiting for me to get home or perhaps had he gone to bed early still angry at my blatant attempts to ignore him. I need to apologize to him but I can’t help but think that I’m not in the wrong this time. 

“I was only kidding.” Mew says with a chuckle. I pull out one cigarette from the now opened pack and wait for him to light it for me. 

“Go on.” I say waiting patiently for him to stop fooling around. I admire the way he steadies himself making sure to keep the flame going. 

“You’re so bossy, I don’t like you.” Mew says as he snatches away the box from me.

“We both know that’s not true.” I say. As we sit in a comfortable silence, the minutes slip by one by one and I can’t help myself. “What happened?”

“You’ll get these back when you stop being a total buzzkill.” Mew speaks softly, his voice almost a whisper. He gestures to the box in his hand and makes a motion taking one out for himself. Mew doesn’t smoke but he lights the end of it and watches as the flame slowly consumes it.

“So, I take it you two made up and just as quickly fell out?”

Mew looks to me with his eyes wide and mouth agape, “Ray are you a psychic?”

“Shut up.” I say and he promptly shows me his middle finger. I enjoy his laugh and his company all the same, my mind doesn’t wander and I stay in the moment with him enjoying our peaceful self pitying session. 

We move closer together as the air gets just the slightest bit crisper though there's really no need, we just like the feeling of being close. 

“We didn’t fight, it's just. I’m so over having to deal with his family and I know mine isn’t always picture perfect either but it's just always something new that’s worth catastrophizing over with them.” Mew says and I wonder how long he’d been waiting to say those words aloud. 

“Take some advice from your favorite rich guy, it’ll keep being too much until one day it's not. You’ve just gotta keep going, okay?” I say and I wonder how long Mew had been wanting to tell me his worries. He wasn’t usually the type to let people in. I could never tell if it was him just being on the defense or not even after years of friendship wanting to let people in beyond the bare minimum requirement. 

Mew is leaning his back against the bench and turns his head away from staring up at the starless sky to look at me. “I hate the smell of your usual smokes, those things are completely messing up your taste buds.”

“And yet.” I say gesturing toward the pack in his hand. 

“It's different.” Mew says tossing the box in the air and barely managing to catch it. 

“Well these ones do have a better after taste, it's less bitter.” I say.

I catch a glimpse of him smiling at my passing remark and savor it completely. Mew was kind and sweet. I always admired his lack of subtleness while others seemed to view his gaze as more judgmental. I saw it as protective. 

“I’ll try to smoke less, I know you think it's just my taste buds not working but I do actually just like making weird stuff sometimes, promise.”

“Small victories are still victories.” Mew says more sobered up than before. He moves to search his pockets, shooting me an ashamed look. “I don’t have my phone.”

“Wallet, keys?  I’ll drive you back.”

“No, no and nope. I don’t want to go back. Besides, it's not like he’s looking for me.” Mew’s tone is lighthearted but I can tell that he feels a bit hurt.

I check my phone seeing zero texts from Top and wince a little seeing none from Sand either. “Well, two for two.” I say and we exchange more looks of pity, both of us ready to completely fall into eachothers issue to not deal with our own. 

“What are the odds we can fall into a hotel room right about now?” Mew asks, allowing me to pull him to stand. 

“Well it's nearly midnight so I can imagine many places.” I say, we interlock fingers as I pull him along to my car. I believe in my own strength but he’s taller and more built despite how much he tends to hide it, so I'm counting on his common sense kicking in to get us to my car in one piece. 

“It's already this late?” Mew asks curiously. I wonder briefly what's on his mind but his expression looks heavy and I don’t want to push. 

I can hear all the questions before he’s even asked them and I run through my mind how all the ways this could look bad no matter how much of the truth I divulge. Standing outside the door to my own apartment with no keys or phone is far more embarrassing than it should be. 

As the seconds pass and pass I just reach my arm out ready to knock but the door opens instead, Top is standing there already dressed and ready for work. I can’t help but feel nervous as we stand there. Soon he’s making his way past me and ready to start his day as normal. 

Nothing? No fight, no arguments. I feel like a fool for expecting anything else. I can’t help but find myself annoyed at my own actions the night before. I'd desperately wanted him to come after me, hours passed by and soon Ray was waking me up from where’d we’d fallen asleep in his car. We couldn’t decide on a hotel and just ended up yelling nonsense to one another until I eventually knocked out. 

“Hey Mew so sorry my awful parents are pushing all this work on you, that must be really tough for you. I'll handle it and try to take some of the burden off your shoulders.” I say mocking my boyfriends voice as I go inside locking the door behind me. 

“What, no way, a simple apology. That’s all I needed, I love you.” I mock myself looking around for my phone when a note catches my eye. It sat right at the edge of the coffee table with my house keys being used as a paper weight. 

I ignore it for at least an hour while I shower and attempt to make myself breakfast stumbling across my phone somewhere along the process. I avoid even looking at it worried about the plethora of missed messages from everyone I’m trying to avoid screaming at in order to maintain a peaceful relationship with his family. 

I make my way over to the note eventually after scanning the fridge and losing all motivation to cook. Waking up in Ray's car was comfortable enough but I couldn’t relax, not fully. 

I charged your phone, it's in the usual place. I called my parents and told them to lay off. I’m sorry if things got so overwhelming. They are not people you need to please. I love you and I'm sorry for last night. I hated watching you storm out but I just know I would have made things worse if I followed. Ray’s car…? Interesting choice, see you when I see you.

I read the note over and over, eventually I tear it up in a huff. I’m not quite sure what my own feelings are beyond frustration and a bit of annoyance. If he always knows just what to say then why doesn't he say it when I want him to.

Picking up my phone I take notice of the lack of fifty plus notifications I’ve grown accustomed to waking up to. There's no snide comments from his mother or direct insults being hurled at me from his siblings; it's just for once annoying advertisement emails and a voicemail from Cheum that I respond to in less than a minute. 

I pick up the pieces of the torn note from the floor and the two that landed on the couch and search for the words I want grateful that it's still intact, I love you. 

“Love you too.” I say aloud balling up the piece of paper between my fingers. At the moment I can’t help but think of how many hours I spent sulking that could've been stopped with me speaking up and I feel like a bit foolish.

I find myself fully relaxing for the rest of the day and making sure to put in extra effort to fully blend in with the couch. I end up moving from armchair to armchair and eventually settle on a hanging hammock reading a book that I don’t remember buying but very much appreciate at the moment. It's a thriller novel with about as much tropey goodness that I want after having finished off a series the week prior that just dragged along without reason for far too long. 

An alarm on my phone goes off at around two in the afternoon and I put my half read book down on the counter using my phone as a bookmark. I figure my stomach will start growling any minute now and manage to eat the leftovers from the night before. I wasn’t the biggest fan of it then, but now it satisfies all of my cravings as I eat directly from the pan after reheating it on the stove.

The thought crosses my mind midway through rinsing out the pan at the sink that this might be my favorite Tuesday in a long while. 

There's weeks worth of stress being washed away with every hour. By the time Top gets home I’ve moved to the couch resting my head on a throw pillow and with a blanket haphazardly thrown over my lap.  I can’t be bothered to hide my smile at the way he immediately makes his way over to me. 

“I’ve missed you.” He says leaning over to give me a kiss on the check but I turn to pull him over and onto me. 

“You were gone too long. I wanted to be with you.” I say and I question my own word choice but it doesn’t matter because he’s holding me close and nodding along to my every word.

“I know, I know. How was your day and the whole morning car thing, do you plan to add that to your routine?” Top asks jokingly. He unlocks his phone showing me a picture that Ray sent him. I'm fast asleep with my left arm somehow getting tangled with the seat belt. 

I can tell he’s still slightly worried, whether it's about my reaction or some unknown question that still lingers over his head when Ray and I are alone together I don’t know. He used to joke that the two of us were always one step from running away together if the timing was right. 

“ Top?”

“Hmm?” He’s tossing his phone over to the other side of the couch and back to giving me his full attention. 

“I think I'm sad for no reason at all some days. You make me really happy, uncomfortable leather seats don't make me all that happy.” I state calmly though hoping he glosses over the first half of my statement, I hadn’t quite meant to mention that now or over.  

Top thinks over what I said a moment too long and when I squirm in his hold he just tightens his arms around me. “You don’t have to go anywhere.”

“Only adjusting a little.”

The rest of the day we talk and talk passing the time and enjoying eachothers company. I show him the book I completed reading and dig right in with telling him all the plot holes and picking through the dialogue. 

Getting back in the house at ten in the morning was not my best decision. I lazily made my way into the shower and avoided any eye contact with the man with the apparent hobby of collecting phone numbers. 

In truth after I finished my talk with Mew in the coffee shop the day prior I was stuck in an anxious loop wondering if my partner had finally grown tired of me. There was a level of comfortability and calmness in mine and Sands' relationship that led to things always being at level ten when we argued. 

I ran my fingers through my hair freshly wet from the shower and flinched at the cold gust of air sent my way just before a towel landed on my head. “For fucks sake.” I say purely out of surprise and turn to face him, Sand, he’s standing there pretty and pristine as ever. 

“Give a warning next time.” I say thankful yet annoyed.

“Are your clothes still in the bathroom? I’ve already done mine for the day, just yours is left.” Sand says he's still bothered by our previous fight but I can tell he’s trying to give openings for us to talk and let the apologies flow. 

“Clearly if you know where they are you can pick them up yourself.” I say snidely and bite my tongue just as quickly.

“Oh, okay.” Sand says and he’s walking away from me but stops at the last second to turn back. “Who were you with last night?” He asks. 

“None of your business.” I was annoyed and found myself thinking what that had to do with anything. 

Sand scoffs at me and begins walking away again. I absolutely hate watching him leave because though we’re physically together the distance between us only grows. 

“I was with Mew.” I say loudly and I figure he’s heard me when he slams the bedroom door closed. I don’t know if he didn’t believe me or perhaps he’s gotten annoyed at mine and Mew’s usual level of closeness. 

Realistically I know he has nothing to worry about and I always thought he knew that as well. Mew was never one to fall easily into flings and our one shot at trying a relationship only ended with us being better friends than anything else. 

I know if Sand and Mew would become friends then all of his worries would be placated. Mew keeps up high walls around himself at all times and even then there's another layer of hoops a person has to get through before he even allows them to know that much. 

“Do your own laundry.” Sand says and a basket of clothes is carelessly dropped at my feet with a few shirts tumbling out at the impact. I hide my phone. I refuse to let him see the long thread of mine and Cheums long back and forth argument over whether or not I’m in the wrong. She’s firmly of the opinion that Sand has more reason to be annoyed at me.

“You’ve got your own set of walls too.” I mumble aloud just quiet enough for him to hear me if he’d stayed in front of me for a second longer. There's no hope though as he’s already barling out our front door keys and phone. “High walls.”

The rest of the day is long and bothersome, I text with my friends and find myself answering work emails. We keep up our comically long silent treatment going and I figure he’s not too upset though as a pack of my usual smokes gets thrown at my laptop at some point.

Tuesday slips over into Wednesday and soon it's nearly five in the afternoon and I am nauseatingly hungry. I rummage through my bag to grab my phone and hope that Ray bursts through the doors at any second so I can finally place my order. 

It's twenty minutes past the time he said he would arrive and I can’t help but wonder if I’m being stood up the moment he and Sand have reconciled. Thankfully… Being thankful seems harsh.

Thankfully not even a moment after the thought crosses my mind my short friend and his ever present frown are sitting before me in a huff. “I need to learn to work a bonesaw.” He says completely unbothered by my look of confusion. 

“Excuse me?” I ask. “Did things not go as planned…that badly?”

“What? No. Mew am I too careless?” He asks, and I find myself more confused with each second that passes between us before the waiter thankfully arrives at the table. 

We place our orders and quickly get back into things far too soon for my liking as I briefly wonder if my friend is also losing his mind lately. “Maybe start at the beginning.”

Ray exhales deeply and pulls out a ring from his pocket. “Basically I found this on Sands dresser before I left the house.” He says placing the ring in my hands. 

“Please spell it out for me a bit more.” I say, every scent in the restaurant is pulling me in another direction and my appetite suddenly has full control over my ears. 

“I lost it awhile ago, remember I was wearing it for a long time then I had it on a necklace for a bit. You literally helped me search the house for hours. Focus up Mew.” 

“Sorry.” I say while sitting up a bit straighter and trying to offer him my full attention. Ray is annoyed enough as it is and I don’t have the heart to tell him I have no clue where my wallet is so he’s paying. 

“This is my old ring, it doesn’t fit anymore and I found it in Sands things. I think maybe he got the wrong idea and so he’s been getting distant lately. I haven’t worn this thing in like a year but it was always my intention to get it fixed or get an identical one.” Ray pours out his worries to me and I can see the anxiety building up. 

“I see, I see.” I move my arms from the table as the drinks arrive and make a brief motion for the waiter to switch my beverage, “Wait, definitely don’t drink that.”

“Oh come on.” Ray says incredulously as if he’s fully aware the universe is playing trick after trick on him. “Why are they served in the same glass?” He asks as he slides it over to my side.

“Sorry, here you can take your soda.” I say trying to ease the growing tension as he no doubt wonders to himself if he should throw me in a volcano. “I know I know, but there was a deal and you get bonus fries if you order the drink. Ray, listen–”

“Forget it. I don’t mind, I’ve got other shit to deal with at the moment.” Ray says, talking through gulps of  his soda as we patiently wait for the food to arrive. He makes note of something in his phone but I don’t ask instead choosing to mind my own business for a moment. 

“So–”

Ray cuts me off, “And he has the nerve to make faces at me for months and collect strangers' numbers rather than just say something to my face. Fuck him, I’m over it. If this was all that was bothering him, he could’ve come and talked to me.”

“Ray, I think you might be getting a bit ahead of yourself there.” I say and I completely accept his death glares for the harmlessly tame look it really is. “Besides you’re both mad about stuff that's easy to–”

“Easy.” He mocks me. 

“Okay you know-it-all. What I’m saying is that you’ve both got your own way of handling issues  and it just seems like you’re both mad at how the other is just avoiding the situation at hand.” I say grabbing at my fries that the waiter put in the center of the table, Ray doesn’t deserve my fries. 

“It's not that simple, Mew.” He says gesturing at the freshly removed batch of fries. “Give.”

“News flash you’re both idiots and maybe just maybe this could all be fixed in a five to fifteen minute convo at any moment.” I sternly say, placing the basket back down. 

“Give me some.” Ray pouts, I let him reach into the basket but he winces as one burns his finger. “They’re still hot.”

“Was that not clear to you when they arrived mere seconds ago?” I joke and smirk upon seeing him roll his eyes at me. 

“You’re a dick.” He says.

“Yeah.”

“I hate you so much.”

“That's fine by me.” I say popping one of the slightly cooler fries that's not actively steaming into my mouth. “They’re ready for you princess.”

“You don’t treat me like a princess.” Ray says annoyed by my words and even though I love to tease him I do want him to feel better. 

“Well I can, how about I show you to this place I know. It's far out enough to get away from the noisiness of the city but close enough for all of my favorite takeouts.” I say proudly as I await his response. 

“You literally have the most trash taste so that’s not saying much Mew.” He scolds me and I laugh.

“Well I did like you once so I can’t help but agree.” I say and dodge a fry he fails to send directly into my forehead. “Your aim sucks. Besides, it's not for us, it's for you and Sand. Maybe you two just need a change of setting, it might help.”

“How about no, I refuse to give in besides he’s got all the choices in the world literally sitting in his desk draw at home.”  Ray says, rolling his eyes.

“Still?” I ask, doing a poor job at hiding the look of shock on my face. 

“Yeah, he still hasn’t thrown them away. I check it every time I get the chance.” Ray says in a huff, he nearly reaches for my drink on the table but I slip it further from his grasp instead handing him the cigarette box. 

“Absolutely not. I drove here and I know you walked, only one of us is allowed to get plastered at six in the afternoon.” I say.  

“How would one drink get you plastered?” He asks, lifting an eyebrow. As he rolls over the pack in his hands I wonder why he studies it so carefully. It's the same brand as the day before, just new and unopened as I left the other pack in my car. 

“Is there something you're not telling me?” He asks as he shakes out three cigarettes from the pack. A bit of an overkill but I don’t mention it  as he hands the pack back to me. 

“Ray, I’ll be honest with you. I've had like four drinks before you arrived and I’m pretty sure I lost my wallet in the park yesterday.” 

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Things are not looking so great in Mew world at the moment so if my emotional support couple I envy every once in a while could get back on the right track that would be great.” I don’t know why I lied to him, my wallet is most definitely sitting on my dresser at home and I had two shots of tequila only. Modesty and all that. 

“Well I can’t see a reason not to at least try.” 

“Lovely.”  I say picking up my drink. I reach for the keys and slide them over to my friend that's worriedly watching me down my glass of what to him is my fifth drink. “Okay I get it so stop with the sad looks, no more drinks for Mewie, I know.”

“Good.”

“Ah by the way, Top is going to be out of the city until Friday and I know I said run off on your little lovers get away but don’t just abandon me here all alone.” I say it jokingly expecting him to respond with something equally as obnoxious or silly but he just nods as if he’s making a mental note of my words. 

“I would never dream of it.” Ray says and his smile is dazzlingly sweet in an annoying way that makes me think back to our university days and our devastatingly short stint at trying to seek comfort in one another. Under the right circumstances retelling the tale was hilarious. 

I laugh at him and he laughs back, I wonder if he’d been thinking of the same thing. “I’m not driving my car today so I don’t have the address on hand. I can get it when Top gets back.”

“I’ve told you a thousand times to just write down important addresses or at the very least keep them in your phone. I don’t know why you trust that GPS so much.” My friend says finishing off his own drink as the rest of our food arrives. 

“Can you believe he just took my car without even asking?” I say picking at my food, somewhere along the evening I had lost my appetite and it simply didn’t return. 

“Blah, blah, blah I don’t want to hear this same monologue about cars again. You two share absolutely everything and I know you’re just gloating about your gifts from him. I see you through you Mew.” Ray says his tone light and joking, I see he fully wants to move on from his own issues and I promptly pick up his hint. 

“I’m glad you brought up the cars because I’ve been trying to get him to get his painted black and–”

“Mew!” Ray's laugh comes out harshly and I can’t tell if he’s choking on his food or his drink. 

Kicking off my shoes at the front door I try not to make too much of a ruckus as I settle in for the night. The evening with Mew was a long one and I cherished the peace and quiet of my home until I heard a slight scratching coming from the direction of the bathroom. 

As I get closer to the door I recognize the noise as more of a thumping then a scratch, I chose to blame my own growing headache for the misunderstanding but my thoughts start to get strange. 

“Sand I don’t–” A voice I don’t immediately recognize is calling out and for a second my stomach drops. 

Who is that? Is his phone on speaker, no, his phone is on the kitchen counter I saw it. Walking closer to the door I try to stomp down my own curiosities and bite the metaphorical bullet in an attempt to just open the door wide, but I can’t. I fear who might be there and why. 

I don’t allow myself to get a step closer and instead make a beeline for the door grabbing my shoes and car keys. I don’t even stop to put my shoes on and instead make my exit known by slamming the door.  Some cowardice takes me over as I walk barefoot to my car and I desperately want to feel unseen at the moment. 

Getting in my car I slip my shoes on and just drive. I want nothing more than to destroy whatever reality is waiting for me back at home and I toss my phone somewhere in the back seat and hope the battery drains. 

At some point I end up in front of Mews apartment door and he’s pulling me into a hug before I’m even halfway in the door. He’s soft and warm having already changed out of his clothes from before and into more comfortable loungewear. 

I haven’t been inside their apartment in a while but the entire design of the place is very telling. If you weren’t privy to the fact that everything was picked out by Top you would think it was instead done all by Mews hand without the others input. Everything was planned so meticulously but my favorite thing was the throw pillows all being mismatched sets of warmer toned blues, I found it charming oddly enough..

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” Mew asks nonchalantly, closing the door behind me. He leads us over to the couch and can’t help but sigh in relief as the headache I assumed was forming has gone away. 

“We’re … I think he had someone in our house.” I say through shaky breaths, I don’t want to believe my own words, upsettingly I can’t logic my way out of it. “No, I know he had someone in our house I just left before I could figure out who it was.”

Mew gives a noncommittal hum as he listens to me speak. I appreciate his efforts to stay awake and listen to me talk myself in circles for the next three hours trying my best to give excuses to Sand.

It's around three in the morning the next day I awake in Top and I’s bed, though the one cuddled in my arms is Ray. I’d eventually managed to get him to relax and offered him the bed while I slept on the couch but he pulled me in and I had no intention of pushing away my crying best friend. 

I glare at the clock on my phone and find that my hangover decided to set in far too early. Looking at the sleeping form of my friend I can’t help but feel sad for him and I hope that everything with Sand was a giant misunderstanding. 

My body feels entirely too sluggish as I get out of bed to get some water from the kitchen. My steps feel too heavy and I loathe the sensation of the glaringly white overhead light shining into my eyes so I refrain from turning it on. I needed to get around to fixing the dimmer switch at some point but I couldn’t be bothered. 

Making my way through the living room and to the kitchen I scroll through my phone and notice a notification from Top I must have missed earlier. I open the message and as I fumble around still half asleep I accidentally share my location with him. “Wonderful.” I say aloud but then I hear the sound of another person breathing and I’m fully aware Ray is still sleeping. 

I spot a pair of shoes knocked over by the door. Not many lights are on so I kinda just rely on my zero self preservation skills and say “Who's there?”

“It's me, sorry I didn’t mean to wake you up.” The voice says and as I turn on the light I see that it's Sand.

“So what did you mean to do? Just thought you could rummage around my apartment or what? How’d you even get in?” I ask, I'm relieved it's him but that feeling goes away just as quickly as it came.

“I just came to check if Ray was alright. Um… Ray told me the passcode ages ago, Like the last time when he was incharge of getting your packages and stuff when you were all away and… Sorry I'm rambling.” Sand says, he’s fumbling with what looks like a piece of leather from the distance I’m at. 

“Great story, Ray will talk to you when he wants, so leave.” I say promptly walking to the door and opening it for him to make his exit. I have my phone in my hand still and I press the call by mistake. I just let it ring, not taking my eyes off Sand.

“Just go get Ray, please.” He says it calmly enough, he’s raising his voice in that way that makes it seem like he’s just trying to get the others' attention. 

“No, he’ll talk with you when he wants to.” I say back, taking the phone away from my ear when I hear no immediate answer. “And why would you think just showing up would be a good idea?” I ask, growing more annoyed. 

Sand scoffs and as I take in more of his appearance I wonder if he’d been drinking at all. “What the fuck, Sand? Just get out of my apartment and I’ll get a taxi waiting for you, just know you can’t stay here.” I say looking at the man hesitantly he’s clearly out of it and I won’t hold the interaction over his head as long as he leaves. 

“Right, right. He’s probably in your bed, yeah?” His voice is shallow and deep. “I wonder if Top knows how close the two of you’ve kept getting over these years.”

“Excuse me?” I say fully ready to throw this man out the door if he even so much as blinks in the direction of my bedroom. 

“You don’t need to hide it. I know you’ve both been sneaking off together nearly everyday this week. Tell me, is he as good as you’ve always hoped he’d be?” Sand remarks he’s tripping over some of his words.

I try to ignore the familiar sound of my room door creaking ever so slightly. I doubt he noticed but I’m nervous all the same as he hurls insults my way that I know will only affect my friend. “Please just shut your mouth. I don't care nearly enough about you to let you just throw your own baggage at me for free. Kindly get the fuck out.”

Sand gives the room a once over as he makes his way towards me and the door. Just as he’s about to leave he leans over to me attempting to whisper.

 He's just as loud as he’s been the entire time. “I hope you get everything you deserve.” He says slyly, with that he’s gone and Ray is making his way towards me. 

I don’t know quite what to make of it when I hear noises from the living room, at first I just assumed I was still dreaming. As tired as I am, the sound of Sand’s voice quickly shocks all of my senses awake. 

I lean in close enough and I want to doubt my ears just as I did the night before. What does he think is going on between us? I think to myself upon hearing his words and in a split second moment of carelessness I bump into the door. Thankfully it doesn’t make much of a sound or at the very least Sand doesn't notice. 

After a few more exchanges of words I hear the door slam and rush to make my way over to Mew. “I am so sorry Mew, I had no idea he’d show up here. I… Mew?” I ask, standing there a bit puzzled as my friend just stands staring at his phone.  

“Hey, hey, what else is it?” I ask, trying to shake him from whatever trance he’s in. I can see just the smallest glimpse of a called end screen. 

He snaps out of it and shoves the phone into his pocket. There's a sad look on his face that I can’t quite dissect and soon he’s dragging me along with him back to the bedroom. “Don’t worry about any of that, let's go back to bed. That sounds like a good idea to me.”

I shake my hand out of his grasp, “I’ll be right there just need to head to the bathroom really quick.” I say. He gives me a nod and I don’t believe the smile on his face to be genuine for even a second.

Heading to the bathroom I try not to immediately collapse on the floor as my legs start to feel numb. Resting my hands on the sink to steady myself I hate that every word Sand said just bounces around in my head. 

I don’t want to think he’s just been waiting for me to screw up in any way but I can’t help that my brain leads in that direction. Steadying myself I splash some cold water on my face and I spare a glance at the toothbrush holder, a matching set. 

I make note of it to tease Mew about it but for some reason it sticks in my mind. I can only assume it's because there's been three toothbrushes in my bathroom for a while now.

I don’t allow myself to think about it for even a moment longer and make my way back to Mew. He doesn’t treat me so harshly and even when he makes attempts to pester me I never have doubts about what he feels for me. I love Sand dearly though the last few months he’s emptied and refilled my head with only doubts that I can’t help but wonder if I’d been doing the same. 

Back in Mew’s bedroom I turn off the light and get back into bed with him. He lays with his back facing me but turns around to look at me as I lay down beside him. 

“Hi.” He says softly and he opens up the blanket more so that I can get as comfortably close to him as I possibly can. 

“Hi.” I say back and I can’t help but laugh as he has a big goofy grin on his face. “What's there to smile about?” I ask lazily. 

“You look like a sad sad puppy.” Mew says, he moves his arm from where it was resting on the blanket and instead pushes my hair so that it covers my face slightly. “Bark, go on, do it.”

“Why are you like that?” I ask, swatting away his hand. “Can we not talk about that stuff he said?”

“He wasn’t even here as far as I’m concerned.” Mew says and there's something about his tone that has a lingering sadness in it. 

“I take it I shouldn’t ask who hung up on you.” I ask and Mew nods as that goofy grin returns to his face. 

“Oh, you learn so fast all the other pet owners are gonna be jealous the next time we’re in the park.” He laughs wanting to get me more annoyed at his joke and to keep my mind off… other things. 

“Where’s my reward then?” I ask playing along with his very lackluster attempt at mental gymnastics. “Pay up Mewie.”

“You’re no fun.” Mew says with a pout. “I’ll reward you, I will.” He says and he starts to play with my hair. 

“We both know this is more of a reward for you.” I say jokingly and I can’t help but laugh as he sighs heavily puffing up his cheeks.

“Well I can never win around here, can I?” Mew leans over, propping himself up some before cupping my face with his right hand. “This is your one and only opportunity for a special edition Mew bedroom kiss, take it or leave it.”

“Oh, you’re still such a tease.” I say rolling my eyes at him but he doesn’t move and I can almost hear the words left unsaid between us from years ago when we spent far too long playing with each other's emotions. “Do it if you dare.”

“Ray, can I kiss you?” He asks shyly, his voice is sincere and caring, I know that the love between us will never be more than what it always has been. I nod but even quicker I’m leaning up to meet my parted lips with his own.

I’ve missed kissing him as selfish as it sounds and I’d never say it aloud because I know nothing will come of it. I enjoy the way the curve of his lips meet mine and I savor every moment of closeness as the warmth of his body and my own completely cloud up my mind with only him.

Mew is as always sweet, caring and kind.

The day goes by and though Mew and I don’t mention the kiss from hours prior neither of us really feel the need to. We spend the day lounging around the living room and going on and on about one subject to the next. At some point Mew offers to run downstairs and get my phone out the car for me, I can tell he just wants space so he and Top can talk. 

I know that he’s coming back tomorrow, Friday, which in actuality isn’t too long from now. Mew and I truly wasted away the day together. My mind does wander to Sand and I hope his hangover isn’t too bad. 

Getting up off the couch to stretch I walk over into the kitchen and shuffle awkwardly in an attempt to completely avoid the area of the kitchen decked out with liquor bottles. I found my thoughts to be overwhelmingly loud and persistent with proximity to alcohol whether I was drinking it or not. 

Taking my mind off of it I wonder how Mew’s conversation is going, he has as long as two elevator trips and the walk to the car and back. Did he tell him about what we did? I question myself even though I already know the answer. As much as either of them try to hide something from one another they are just as easily sharing their secrets. Just as the mind query comes to a close the front door is open again with Mew walking through. 

“He’s so annoying.” Mew says making a beeline to me and slapping my phone down into my hand. “Make sure to charge that.”

“Who?” I ask, though I am not at all surprised by the answer. 

“Top, he got mad at me because I charged everything to his card. He’s stingy whenever I’m ordering food. I swear it's just because he’s upset I'm eating great food without him, he’s always quick to point out those purchases yet nothing else.” Mew complains but he’s got heart eyes and seems unable to stop smiling. 

“What time is he getting back?” I ask pouring a glass of what seems to be pomegranate juice into a second glass for Mew. He motions for me to plug in my phone to the charger not too far from me.

“Thanks, um, he said around four in the afternoon. Also he said you’re not allowed to sleep in our bed anymore but I think that part was a joke.” Mew says nonchalantly taking small sips every once in a while. 

“Fair, I mean his lanky boyfriend is a huge clinger. I can only imagine he’s looking out for me.” I say clutching on to the glass in my hand carefully as he reaches over to punch me on the arm. “I’m only telling the truth.”

“I hate you.” Mew says withdrawing and finishing off his own glass. 

“Likewise.” I pause looking over at my phone from where it's recharging, I can just barely make out a couple notifications. 

“You should answer him. Maybe not now but I still stand behind what I said at lunch before it's probably just a big build up of tension and I’m sure you’ll both come out the other end of it just fine.” Mew says in his usual far too certain of himself tone of voice. 

“Tomorrow's problem.” I propose a treaty with myself yet seek out Mew’s stamp of approval. 

He sighs, walking over to my phone and putting it face down. “A problem tomorrow.”

It was finally Friday.

I spent a good two hours waiting for Top passed when he said he was supposed to arrive home and Ray had trailed off somewhere in another room of the apartment doing busy work that he’d been putting off during the week, something about emailing a client, I wasn’t paying too much attention. 

Picking my phone up every minute or two proved useless as for some reason Top wasn’t reading my mind and immediately calling me. I know that he’s driving and he wouldn’t call me regardless, I have a sinking feeling in my chest and the day just doesn't feel right. 

Ray rounds the corner and tears me from my thoughts as I feel the cold touch of his hand right on my neck. “Ah!” I jolted and he’s quick to move out of the way, chuckling at my reaction. 

“He’ll be here any minute to stop you from freaking out. Please stop, it's making me nervous.” Ray says he’s borrowed some of my clothes and has his keys and phone in his hand. 

“Heading out already? You can stay a while longer, you know. He won’t mind.” Mew says he's sincere and while I can tell he cares I know that the longer I wait the harder confronting Sand will be. 

“Mhm, goodbye Ray. Take the long journey home.” I say walking with him over to the door. I can’t help but laugh at the way his face scrunches up.  

“Don’t say it like that, if everything goes wrong I'll be right back up here bothering you for another day.” Ray says, rolling his eyes. 

“I’ll be looking forward to it.” I try to make my tone as dramatic and sickeningly sweet as possible just to annoy him even the tiniest bit more. 

“See you later.” Ray says and he’s heading out the door off to Sand I presume, I hope so. 

I pass by Top on my way to the elevator and he doesn't even spare me a glance. Not out of rudeness, I genuinely just think he didn’t even register me in his vision.  I try not to laugh at myself fully aware of the multiple security cameras all over the place and I refuse to be ogled at by the building security… again. 

Making my way back to my own home took surprisingly long. I think I saw a notification about an incoming storm, I didn't expect so much traffic. Sands keys are hanging just next to the door and I kick off my shoes ready to apologize and eager to receive some as well. 

“Sand!” I shout, brushing my hand through my hair. I wait for any sign of a response from him and try not to be disappointed when I’m met with silence. 

Making my way through the apartment I can’t help wondering when he himself got back as his clothes left a mess in a path to the bathroom. I sigh, picking up his shirt and pants, I have zero idea where his other sock could be. 

Turning them back the right way I notice as a slip of paper with a number on it falls out of his pants pocket and though I try not to I can’t help but be annoyed. “Really?” I say aloud to myself and that seems to get the response.

“Ray?” Its Sand voice calling me from inside the bathroom. I knock and he gives a noise of approval for me to come in. He’s still in the shower oddly enough. 

“Hmm?” I don’t want to be the first to apologize and I sigh a bit in relief when he speaks up. 

“I don't even know where to begin, that night you left. I don't know what you thought was happening but I can explain. Um, well, I don’t know everything that you think is going on so please let's just sit down and talk about all of this.” He pleads, and I can’t quite take him seriously as he just stands there naked behind the curtain.  

“Keep going.” I say, the slip of paper is resting in my hands and as I lean on the now closed bathroom door. I wait for him to finally turn off the running water, which he does after a beat of silence. The room is uncomfortably steamy. 

The shower curtain is swung open and he motions at me to throw him his towel which I reluctantly do. On some level I didn’t want to do anything for him, not even the bare minimum. 

“Thanks. What's in your hand?” He asks. Sand registers what it is immediately and he quickly stops beating around the bush. “Listen, those papers aren’t what you think. I'm literally blocking them all because creeps keep getting my number.”

“Why keep them?” I ask. 

“I keep them, well, because apparently I'm a dumbass, I didn’t think there’d be a misunderstanding and I’m sorry.” Sand says stepping out of the shower completely.

I briefly consider throwing actual sand on him if only to cause insult to injury. I spent too long hanging out with Mew. He’s getting clothed and does his best to not fall over when I move to get closer to him. 

“What else?”

“I already apologized to Mew and as always he just said he didn’t care but I don’t know him well enough to know if he actually means that.”

“He does.” I say nodding. 

“Does what?” Sand asks, he looks somewhat confused. 

“He means it, he doesn’t care. A tip with Mew is to just trust his word for most things. He’s really not the type to talk around the point unless he’s angry then that’s a whole nother deal.” I shrug.

“Sounds very Mew.” Sand jokes and I don’t know why he sounds so out of it. My eyes scan the bathroom and I can’t help but notice some things are out of place and a few to many new additions.

“I also want to apologize. I know I’m not the best with confrontation and I am sorry for putting off talking with you about the ring for so long.” I say and I wonder when he noticed that I had taken it back.

“I wanted to give you a replacement at Mew’s but I know it was a bad idea to go there.” He says and I nod. He’s done putting his clothes on and grabs another towel to dry his hair. The mirror is entirely fogged up yet he still stands in front of it. 

“I just wanted to deal with it on my own and so things went… well.” I pause, “Well, let's just say they snowballed. You already seemed so disappointed when I stopped wearing it and I didn’t want to worry you knowing it was just lost somewhere in the house.”

“That’s okay, I mean I could have figured as much, just that with all the other things between us going on I just kept jumping from one conclusion to the next.” Sand says apologetically. “You were starting to put distance between us and I just got really anxious about you two and I know it was probably nothing but I was just getting paranoid everytime you two were off together.”

“Mew and I are and always have been just friends. Just talk to me next time.” I am firmly aware of the last hanging issue on our list of problems. The thoughts seem to pop into his mind just as it did for me.

“Well, there was that night… I did have someone over when and things were getting a bit heavy but nothing happened and not because you showed up. I was already trying to make them leave and then just everything got out of my control.”

“Who were they? Anyone I know?” I ask. I don’t really want it though. I already know the answer and the orange toothbrush sitting in a cup on the bathroom sink pisses me off. 

“Just some regular. It meant nothing and one thing led to another.” Sand says and I get a little annoyed. Actually I get very frustrated. 

“It meant nothing and you brought them into our home. Okay, in lieu of sounding like a hypocrite I’ll admit Mew and I kissed that did mean something as far as I know.” I don’t mean to poke at an open wound but I do enjoy it. Once again, too much time with Mew.

He doesn't get angry and instead just looks at me sadly. “When?” He asks. I wonder if he wants confirmation of his own fears and that does make me feel guilty. 

“A little after you left, it was just to make me take my mind off things. That’s all it meant.” I shrug.

“So you were awake?” He says somewhat ashamedly. “I figured he would talk you out of seeing me anymore.”

“No, Mew likes you a lot. He wouldn't give you the benefit of the doubt otherwise.” I’m telling the whole truth yet I can tell he only hangs on to the fact that we kissed and nothing after that. 

“I think we should break up.” Sand says and I surprisingly don’t bristle or react in shock at all. I don’t believe his words for a second. 

“You’re not thinking st–” 

“You don’t get to tell me what I’m thinking.” Sand shouts, “I think… I know we need some time apart. Let me be as selfish as you are for a bit.”

“Selfish?” I repeat the word, “You think that I’m selfish as I try to convince myself that the guy waiting in our bathroom hadn’t been here before.”

“Wha–”

“Sand, tell me honestly if you can count to three and then fucking take a look around.” I say irritated, I want to storm out the door. Grabbing the toothbrushes out of the cup I turned to show them to him. I’m a fan of the dramatics tonight. 

“Ray, I can explain.”

“One and two, this is a clear matching set so why the fuck is there a third one and also, orange! Ew.” I leave out the bathroom door throwing all three toothbrushes in the trash.

“Ray needs me.” I say squirming out of Tops hold on me he’s barely holding me tight but I enjoy acting as if he is. The sound of rain splashing against the window would be calming if not for the thunder every other minute.

“Ray needed you all week and I shared. I don’t want to share anymore.” He says sleepily and I want to fall back into his arms completely. 

“Come on, it's not like i’ll be gone too long just close your eyes and I don’t know, hope i’m here in the morning.” I say with a shrug, it's a very ineffective appeal to logic.

He mumbles something I can’t hear and I lean in just a bit closer so he can repeat it. “You’re finally running away together..” I pinch his arm and he smacks my hand away to rub at the spot. 

“I’ll be right back, love you.” I say leaning down to give him a kiss on the check that quickly turns to just an absurd amount of other kisses that I mentally wasn’t prepared for at nearly eleven at night. I find myself a bit breathless as he plants a final kiss on my lips. “You’re too much.”

“I’ll see you when I see you.” Top says and I turn the light on before sprinting to the front door. 

“Bye, love you.” I shout not waiting for his groans of annoyance and I head out the door, finally. 

I take two sips from a bottle but it's the second bottle and I refuse to look Mew in the face as he knocks on the window of my parked car. “Out of the driver's seat now.” He says sternly and I listen, stepping into the downpour as he gently helps me into the passenger seat.

“Your leather seats are going to be absolutely ruined and you better not blame me.” He says, there's a clear lack of bite to his voice and I dread the thought that I ripped him away from the one person he’d been so patiently waiting for. 

“It's okay and I forgive you. Are you happy?” He’s checking in the rear view mirrors and I grow acutely aware that he hasn’t been driving for nearly as long as I have.

“Don’t go yet please.” I try to piece together all the thoughts I want to say. The movement of the car, every drop of rain and the crescendo of thunder leaves me overwhelmed. 

“What–” Mew says and I can feel him ripping the mostly full bottle from my hands. “Ray, I walked all the way over here to get you and you’re parked halfway in the road.” He says and I feel the touch of his skin to mine as he buckles my seat belt for me. 

“You’re cold.” I say and Mew just laughs at me. I reach to turn on the heat and he just slaps my hands away to do it himself. 

“Yeah, that's usually what rain and harsh winds will do to you.” He buckles his own seat belt and is soon repositioning the car so we have an easier way to exit into the street. 

I take my hands and feel around on the console wondering if I’d left my phone there and with no luck I turn my body to reach into the back seat, also no luck. Mew is ushering me back to an appropriate seating position and pestering me about moving around. 

We reach our destination in less then ten minutes, we’re parked just a street or two down from my house in a slightly busier area. I chide myself for worrying so much about his driving skills.

Mew steps out of the car with both bottles and is gone for a minute or two before making his way back to me. The bottles are gone. He looks much happier to be back in my presence as if a weight has lifted off his chest. 

“Mewie.” I cheer for him as he returns and though he wants to shoot only glares my way I savor the smile he gives me. “Thank you oh brave Mew.”

“You’re annoying me.” He says and he takes the cigarette box from his jacket pocket before deciding against it and stuffing it back in. “You don’t deserve one.”

“Hmm, is someone mad at me?” I ask and this time the glare he gives me does leave a lasting effect. “I’m sorry and I’m sorry that I'm sorry because I know you’ve gotten tired of hearing apologies from me.”

“I’m not mad, just annoyed. I’m sure tomorrow you’ll be right back to pestering me and well I’ll do the same to you so I can’t possibly stay angry for too long.” Mew nodded along to his own words and I found it endearing. 

“Kiss?” I ask jokingly and I wait for him to return to me either a slap or a punch I’d welcome either. 

I turn to see him with his lips puckered but instead of a kiss he just blows a raspberry at me. I can’t say that I’m disappointed, just unsure as to why a new option has suddenly been added to his arsenal. “Thank you.”

“Anything for you my liege.” Mew says sarcastically and then moves to pull me in and plants a kiss right on my cheek. “Things will get better with Sand just give it time.”

“You didn’t see what I saw.” I say attempting to break eye contact with him but he just reaches over to turn my face back towards his. 

“And did you actually listen or did you just jump to your own conclusion midway through the conversation?” He asks. 

“Well… you didn’t see what I saw.” I pout and Mew once again just laughs at my misery. 

“I’m always on your side, so, whatever you choose has my stamp of approval.” Mew’s staring out the driver side window and I cling to those words as we sit together. 

Five possibly seven more minutes pass as we sit in a comfortable silence. Mew falls into a light sleep at some point and I took a picture with his phone and set it as his background just to annoy him in advance.

I find that the scent of rainwater has fully taken over my being and my only wish at the moment is to run in the rain. I take my seat belt off and that seems to alert Mew, as I open the car door he wakes up fully.

“Ray?” He calls out to me. 

“Yeah?” I say already partially out the door. 

He waits a beat and then just waves me away. “Don’t go too far.” He says and I nod waiting for him to relock the doors.

Opening my phone I roll my eyes at my new phone background. Ray didn’t listen to my warning he never does and I find myself unsuccessfully trying to spot him anywhere with the zoom of my camera. I sent a message to Ray hoping it will coax him into returning faster. 

Sat there annoyed with myself in the first place for letting him go alone, I try to brush away any negative thoughts. I think about how I could’ve easily gone with him or how I could have just left him alone to pout in the rain at some dingy park. 

I scroll through my phone and see zero incoming texts and I question why I assumed anyone would be awake and ready to talk with me at this hour. Most of the people I knew would be either in bed already or preparing for it, both circumstances usually meant no response. 

I sent the photo Ray took of me to my boyfriend and patiently awaited his response. Realistically I always know he’s awake and ready to respond but I can’t help but hope that he doesn’t. 

One minute passes and then another and another. The first thing that catches my eyes isn’t a notification and instead is the blaring sound of a car horn followed by bright headlights that fill the car. I don’t feel the impact but my mind fills me in on all the details before it hits in the milliseconds before it hits. 

And then it's all over, just like that. 

My abrupt walk led to some clarity around the fifteen minute mark which is coincidentally also the same moment in which my calves start to hurt. I had felt slightly embarrassed to find my phone pressed snuggly into my back pocket and made a mental and physical note to check in with my therapist. The storm had started to clear up and everything from the sky was more of a drizzle while the thunder had long passed. I wince at the sound of loud fire alarms and police sirens as I’m sobering up. 

My phone starts to ring but I ignore it assuming it to be Sand. As I reach an intersection I take a couple deep breaths and decide to make my way back to Mew. I can’t remember how much fuel was in the car and I don’t know how charged my battery was to keep the heat running for so long. 

As the sirens pick up all around me I shove any negative thoughts I have to the wayside. I dedicate any quickening of my pace to my phone ringing endlessly as I race to get back where I was. Mew wasn’t wearing the warmest clothes, I think to myself and I dread each step I get closer to him. 

I lose my ability to run and breathe at around the same time when I see my car's driver side door. Falling to my knees doesn’t help any as I get a better view of the wreckage. Crews are quick to pull me away and I shout through painful breaths of air that it is my car and… that is my friend. 

My heart sinks deeper with each second and one of the fire department people takes me away to the side so I can’t stare any longer. I never quite noticed when my hands started shaking but as I pull out my phone I feel myself go numb seeing the endless amount of missed calls from Top and texts from Sand as well as one from Mew.

I open the message from Mew first, completely overwhelmed and uncertain of what I should do next. I cling to every ounce of hope within me and it all leaves at once when the two images and the message load. 

The photo is a shot of the direction I walked off in, the night lights don’t illuminate anything very well and the second photo is distorted and grainy as he tries his best to zoom in as close as possible.  And his message is the usual response I expect from him, playful and ultimately showing annoyance. 

I’ll see you when I see you… But where are you? Comeback already.

It's twelve in the morning on a Saturday and I black out.