Chapter Text
Gojo Satoru has a hypothesis. As a science student and cooler-version-of-Einstein, in order to investigate, Satoru wants to conduct a study about how to impress his crush Suguru and charm him into asking Satoru out.
The next morning, Satoru proudly presents the study proposal to Shoko on a piece of A4 paper.
"Shoko opens the piece of paper. Shoko stares. Shoko blinks. Shoko hands the paper back to Satoru.
"I don't have the brainpower to decipher your handwriting."
"Awww, are you unable to recognise my perfect handwriting due to your early onset of Alzheimer's? Don't worry, Gojo-sama can read it out for you~" Satoru manages to pat —more like slap— Shoko's head before she bats him away.
"Ahem. It is believed that there is a positive correlation between "my actions' embarrassment level" and "the amount of attention Suguru gives me". And if I manage to get Suguru's attention to a threshold level, Suguru would ask me out. I'm such a genius." Satoru looks at Shoko, fully expecting to see her "Wow Gojo-sama you're amazing!" face just to see her "... Gojo you're really fucking dumb" face.
"Shoko I know what you're thinking —"
"Apparently all my advice about asking Getou out normally went to trash. ...I'm too overworked for this. Just go on."
"The independent variable, aka x-axis, is my actions' embarrassment level. It is measured by the amount of embarrassment I feel when I imagine myself doing these things in front of Suguru."
"The dependent variable, y-axis, is the amount of attention Suguru gives to me, it is the product of "his level of affection" squared and the amount of time of our interactions measured in seconds."
"...And how are you planning on quantifying your amount of embarrassment, or his level of affection?" As a science student, Shoko has a duty to question the study methodology. As Satoru's only friend, Shoko has a duty to call out his bullshit.
"Wow! That's a really smart question Shoko-chan! I have a lengthy answer, get your ears ready." Satoru shoots up from his seat immediately, knocking over his chair.
"No."
Satoru starts beatboxing and rapping.
"Yoyo yo yo yo! What time is it? Show time!
Show time Show time Yo!"
"X-axis is based on responseees!
Blah blah, Physiologically mentally!
heart muscles increase, in pumping speed,
cause I will POP CHICKA PRROP MY LIFE FOR HE—"
"Please be normal." Shoko snaps.
"Yeah, I can't think of good rhymes. Gojo-sama shall graciously comply." Flipping his luscious silver hair, Satoru opts to sit down on the table instead cause he's too gay to sit normally.
"The x-axis is the level of embarrassment I feel when I imagine embarrassing myself in front of Suguru, like I said. It is measured by the sum of percentage change of various physical and mental parameters, including the heartbeat rate, a mental embarrassment scale from 0 and 10 and more."
“And you'll never actually get to measure these parameters accurately, so your formula has no purpose of existence." Shoko critiques bluntly.
"Eh, technically speaking the formula isn't even valid, I just smashed all the "are you in love physical signs" I googled yesterday into a nonsense formula. My paper, my rules. My field of study is Suguru. I'm literally the only scholar in thid field. Or am I... OH MY GOD WHAT IF I'M NOT?????? SUGURU IS SO FUCKING HANDSOME HE PROBABLY HAS 3892 PEOPLE WHO WANT TO BE HIS BF UGH I HAVE SO MUCH COMPETITION UGHHHHH"
"Your bullshit quota of today has run out. I'm ignoring you." Shoko turns away.
"You can't. I'm literally sitting right behind you. "
Shoko starts doing math.
"So anyways, the first step to testing my hypothesis is doing something on the scale of embarrassment level 1. Which … I plan to do tomorrow. Don't ask me what it is though ~ It's a surprise."
"Nobody. Asked."
"Teehee."
The next day, Satoru shows up to the classroom at 3:29:50 p.m., precisely 10 fucking seconds before school ends, instead of showing up at 8 a.m. like a normal person.
"So anyways class, remember, today we learned that glycolysis is the breaking down of —" Yaga starts just as the classroom door opens to reveal Satoru. Who didn't even bring a school bag to school. Who is wearing pajama pants and bunny slippers while his school uniform shirt had been buttoned up all wrong.
"Yo~ Yaga sensei sorry I'm late haha, I overslept cause I was genshining all night~ could you still mark my attendance? Thanks man~" Satoru chirps as he slides into his seat with a bright smile on his face, ever so shamelessly.
Just as he finishes his sentence, the bell rings, signaling the end of this school day.
The classroom is completely silent. Yaga's veins pop out from his neck and the pen in his hand snaps in half. Shoko gives him a really long side-eye.
But the most important thing was Suguru's reaction. Satoru looks at him through his peripheral. Poor boy looks stunned. His mouth was hanging a bit agape and it was moving just a bit, as if Suguru had been trying to form a logical response to this bullshittery and had failed multiple times. Suguru has been staring at him for 5 seconds already. How flattering, Satoru thinks to himself pleased.
Honestly the embarrassment level of this ought to be adjusted to level 0 rather than 1. Satoru makes a mental note.
Meanwhile, Yaga breathes in and out heavily several times, apparently trying to calm down.
"Hey Yaga sensei, are you okay? I know you're old, don't stress yourself too much~" Mischief glints in Satoru's eyes.
Yaga looks nothing less than murderous. He looked like the personification of a volcano with his spiky hair. If looks could kill, Satoru would have been impaled so many times that he would have been reduced to dust. No, atoms.
Shoko side-eyes him again. Suguru looks mortified but somehow simultaneously looked as if he is holding back a laugh. Hm. Weird. Maybe Satoru is seeing things. But anyways he had paid attention to me for 20 seconds already! That's nice!
Yaga takes a deep breath and takes off his sunglasses with shaky hands and sets them on the table.
"The rest of the class, you may leave. Gojo Satoru, you, stay behind."
The rest of the class, including Shoko, grab their schoolbags and fucking flee. Suguru shoots him a look of concern before running out.
The classroom is emptied within 3 seconds, leaving Satoru and Yaga the only ones inside.
Satoru's brain starts speeding faster than light. Suguru is concerned for me. He likes me enough to do that. Wow. How much is that on the affection scale? Is that a 1000000???? No, he looks really concerned, his eyebrows furrowed together. That probably is a 8382949938283??????
Yaga inhales.
"GOJO SATORU. WHAT IS THIS BEHAVIOR. YOU SHOW UP TO CLASS AT THE LAST SECOND. AND INSULTED YOUR TEACHERS." Yaga explodes and starts yelling so loud that the entire school building vibrates. Satoru daydreams as Yaga tells him off for at least half an hour before threatening him and finally letting him go. Satoru considers skipping class again tomorrow just to piss Yaga off even more, but ultimately decides against it as he can't risk another scolding. His eardrums have been destroyed enough already today. Also he wants to see Suguru. He heads back home and inputs the data he collected today onto the spreadsheet graph.
Embarrassment level: 0. Suguru's affection: 10.