Chapter Text
“I don’t know if your dad talked about us but we used to be friends since high school” its’s Heeseung who breaks the silence.
“He didn’t” Jungwon answers truthfully. “But I have seen pictures of you guys together”
“Oh, so you recognized us from the beginning?” Heeseung asks
“Yeah but I didn’t want you to treat me differently because of my father” Jungwon replies. It’s half the truth to be honest. Jungwon has not reached where he is due to his father, he has never used the Park surname in his favor. But honestly Jungwon was afraid to tell Heeseung and Sunghoon the truth, he has gotten so much love from them, he had felt appreciated for the first time in his life. He did not want to lose that, he did not want to make Sunghoon uncomfortable in his presence.
But as Jungwon looks at Sunghoon, the older man has been quiet the whole time. Maybe Jungwon was going to lose them too.
“Hyung I-” Jungwon began but was interrupted when Sunghoon spoke “Is Aera really dead?”
Sunghoon looks at Jungwon, sadness, written all over his face. Jungwon nods his head solemnly.
“W-when? h-how ?” Sunghoon asks, his voice breaking at the end
“She was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, it was too advanced by the time she found out. The doctors tried their best but I think she knew it was a battle she already lost.” Jungwon tries to swallow the lump in his throat as he continues “She didn’t suffer much, like 6 months or so”
“I am so sorry Jungwon, w-we had no idea” Heeseung says after a moment
“It’s fine, it was a long time ago” Jungwon tells him.
“I can’t even imagine how hard it must have been for you to lose your mom at such a young age” Sunghoon replies.
Jungwon doesn’t know what to say, so he just nods. Yes, it was difficult, it was difficult to see his friends’ moms picking them up from school, to see their parents supporting them at school functions and parent teacher meetings. Jungwon lost one parent to death and another to indifference, he became an orphan a long time ago.
“You said your father and you don’t see eye to eye on your career choice? Did Jongsaeng really not support you to pursue music?” There was a hit of desperation in Sunghoon’s voice as if he was asking Jungwon to tell it’s not true.
“He didn’t think there was any future and-” Jungwon stopped. If his father’s diary was accurate, then Sunghoon was there when his father dreamt of pursuing music, he was there when his grandfather snatched that dream away for him. Sunghoon has probably spent days being part of those dreams. It would destroy the whatever image his father held in Sunghoon’s heart.
“And?” Sunghoon’s voice was small as if he was afraid to hear what Jungwon will say next
“And he wanted me to take over the business. Threatened to disown me if I pursued music. We fought a lot until I took the scholarship, changed my surname and moved out.”
“Did he ever apologize?” Sunghoon asks
“No, we talked a few times over the years but he was set in his ways. I wasn’t the son he wanted and nothing I did made him happy, not my career, not my lifestyle, not my choice of partners” Jungwon answers
“Wh-what do you mean by choice partners?” Sunghoon asks, disbelief flashing in his eyes.
He sees Heeseung run his hand in frustration, a habit Jungwon noticed, he has when he’s frustrated.
“He wasn’t the biggest fan of the idea of me having a boyfriend and even tried to set me up with some of the daughters of his business associates.” Jungwon confessed.
“You are lying” Sunghoon says “This can’t be possible.”
Sunghoon eyes are filled with unshed tears, his expression filled with hurt sadness, anger and most of all betrayal.
“Hyung-” Jungwon
“No this can’t be our Jay, right Heeseung?” Sunghoon turns to his husband “maybe we got the wrong person?” His voice is filled with desperation, as if begging Heeseung to tell him that all this is a bad dream, a gross misunderstanding
“Sunghoon calm down” Heeseung wrapping his arms around Sunghoon
“He-he became his father” Sunghoon says, his voice breaking at the end.
“Was everything a lie Heeseung?” Heeseung rubs Sunghoon’s back as if to soothe his crying husband. But if Jungwon looks close enough he can see the unshed tears in his eyes too.
Jungwon can’t imagine what they must be feeling, while he has experienced only the colder sides of his father, Sunghoon and Heeseung have been friends with him for years, they have shared years of friendship. Sunghoon has spent years loving his father, and to see his first love turn into a complete stranger, Jungwon’s heart aches for him.
“Where is he now?” Heeseung asks.
“Huh?” The question surprised Jungwon
“Can you give us his address? I think both of us need to talk to him. Jungwon you have to believe us when we say your father wasn’t like that, he wouldn’t have been our friend otherwise” Heeseung tells him.
Before Jungwon could reply, his phone starts ringing.
“Am I speaking to Yang Jungwon? I am calling from Seoul National Hospital” the voice says from the other side.
Jungwon’s heart dropped. He took a deep breath and prepared himself for the worst.
“Yes, this is him speaking” he answers.
“Mr. Yang your father regained consciousness a few minutes ago and you are free to visit him” the woman informs him.
“What? How?” Jungwon asks.
“All further questions will be answered by his doctor but it would best if you visit him as soon as possible as we are not sure how long he will be awake” she said before disconnecting the call.
Jungwon sat there dumbly for a moment, trying to process the news. He wasn’t expecting to see or hear from his father again.
“Jungwon is everything okay?” Sunghoon’s voice breaks him from his trance.
“ I-I have to go to the hospital” he says
“What? Why?” Sunghoon asks, worry laced in his voice.
“He is awake” Jungwon replies
“Who?” Heeseung asks, but something in his voice tells Jungwon that he already knows the answer.
“Appa” Jungwon says.
Jungwon finds himself sitting in the backseat of Heeseung’s car. They were absolutely against the idea of Jungwon driving alone to the hospital.
“Is surgery not an option?” Heeseung asks
“No, the tumor is located in an inoperable area of the brain.” Jungwon answers.
They reach the hospital soon enough and rush through the hallways towards his father’s room. He sees Dr Park waiting outside the room.
“Can we go in?” Jungwon asks as soon as he gets there.
“In a few minutes, the nurses are changing him” he continues “Mr. Yang can I talk to you alone in my office?”
“Yes sure” he replies.
“Are you sure? We can go with you” Heeseung asks him
I can handle it. You guys wait here for a moment” Jungwon answers before following Dr Park into his office.
“Is everything okay?” Jungwon asks him once they are alone.
“Mr. Park’s report are not showing any positive results. It’s common for patients to go back on life support after momentary periods of consciousness.”
“Oh, so what am I supposed to do?” Jungwon questions him
“Mr. Yang in that case it depends on you whether you want to put him back on life support” Dr Park tells him.
“Oh” Jungwon replies “I don’t know what to do”
“It’s okay, think about it and let us know” the doctor says.
“Mr. Yang ?” Dr Park says as he was leaving the room
“Yes?” Jungwon asks
“Enjoy these moments with your father, you might not get them again” he replies.
Jungwon nods his head, gives the doctor a small smile and gets out the office. He understood what the doctor was trying to say. These might be last moments of his father’s life.
He dials a familiar number on his phone. The person picks up after 2 or 3 rings.
“Jungwon is everything okay?” comes Sunoo’s worried voice from the other side
“You need to come to the hospital as soon as possible” he replies
Park Jongsaeng wakes up in a form of disarray, the unfamiliar room taking him by surprise. The last thing he remembers is going to the grocery store. What happened to him? Did he die?
His whole body is stiff with pain as if he got hit by a truck. But is death supposed to be this painful? He imagined afterlife to a painless void. Maybe he got thrown to hell, which he probably deserves.
But the sound of the heart monitor, the plain white walls of the hospital makes him aware of his surroundings. He presses the button to call the nursing and soon the room is filled with nurses and doctors.
“Your family is outside Mr. Park” the nurses tell him as they leave the room.
Its quiet for a few moments before the door opens again. Jongsaeng expects Sunoo or maybe Jungwon to come in, when two tall men, probably in their fifties come in. Jongsaeng thinks his eyes are playing games on him when he realizes who they are. It can’t be possible, this must be a dream. Or maybe he’s dead.
“Am I dead?” he asks.
“What? No!” Sunghoon replies
Jongsaeng never thought he would get to hear his voice again, not after what he did. But Sunghoon is in front of him, he is here. He looks older, Jongsaeng can see streaks of white in his hair, his face is way more chiseled now and there’s a bit of stubble he has grown. He still looks as handsome as the last time Jongsaeng saw him. His eyes follow to the hand Sunghoon is tightly holding, a gold wedding band adorning both their fingers.
Here’s the thing, Jongsaeng knew Heeseung and Sunghoon fell in love and got married. He has stalked enough of them on social media to know how happy and in love they are. Their beautiful house in Las Angeles, Sunghoon’s well established figure skating school, Heeseung’s thriving new record label and their adorable dog named Gaeul.
“All this could have been yours” his brain had supplied him. No, it wouldn’t have been the same, Jongsaeng knew. He would have never been able to forgo the past and would have brought Sunghoon down too. Heeseung deserved someone as great as Sunghoon.
“How are you feeling Jay?” Heeseung asks.
“Like I got hit by a truck” he replies
“Familiar feeling then huh?” Heeseung says with a chuckle.
Jongsaeng finds himself smiling at the joke. He missed them, a lot.
“Wha-what are you guys doing here?” Jay asks them
“Beomgyu needed some help with the debut of his new group, so Heeseung came back here to help” Sunghoon answers “ And I got an offer to train a kid for the upcoming Olympics so I took it”
“Oh” Jay says “how long are you guys here for?”
“Another 2-3 weeks or so” Heeseung replies
“Ho-how did you guys know I was here? Did Sunoo contact you or something? aish, that kid troubling everyone for some simple dizziness or fainting” Jongsaeng says.
Jay regrets getting drunk that night right now. But he has just found out about his cancer, the numbered days of his life. Jongsaeng didn’t realise how much he failed at his life, until death knocked on his door. He had no one to call his own, he has lost his friends, he has lost Sunghoon, he lost Aera and he has lost Jungwon to his own misery. His son won’t even acknowledge him anymore, not that he can blame Jungwon. Jay hated his father all his life to become a mirror image of him.
Sunoo has found him in his office, drunk out of his ass, crying his heart out. And in a moment of weakness, Jongsaeng has spilled everything. He told Sunoo about Sunghoon, how much he loved him and how he lost him, he told him about Aera, their forced marriage and her sudden pregnancy. He told him about the enlarging tumour and the inevitability of death knocking on his door. And then he cried for Jungwon, the best thing life has given him and he had thrown it away. He knew that Jungwon would never forgive him, that he is the reason Jungwon has been through so much pain.
Jay had carried a bag full of regrets all his life, but not being the father Jungwon deserved was the heaviest one.
“Jay” Sunghoon’s voice broke him out of his trance “It’s not a case of simple dizziness, you have been in coma for 6 months”
“Tha-that is not possible, I ju-just went out to get some groceries” Jay said. He had this plan, he was gonna call Jungwon, cook him some dinner and they are gonna talk. He will fix things with his son. He did not lose 6 months of his life in a fucking coma. He had time. He had time with Jungwon
“I am sorry Jay” Heeseung says.
Jay feels the lump in his throat grow. He wonders what Heeseung is saying sorry for. Sorry for him because he is dyeing? Sorry for never contacting him after he left US, for inevitably choosing a side? Sorry for marrying the love of his life?
Jay can’t blame him though, he was an asshole. He deserved everything he got. And he doesn’t deserve their kindness now. But Jay has always been selfish, he had been given the most beautiful things in the world and he had ruined them.
1996
Jay opens the door to Aera’s hospital room in panic but is shocked to see his and Aera’s parents laughing and smiling. Aera is sitting on the bed, a smile plastered on her face ( Jay has known her long enough to know it’s absolutely fake)
“Son you are here!” his father exclaims. He has never seen his father so happy. An uncanny feeling seeps into him
“Is everything okay?” he asks hesitantly
“Oh everything is more than okay!” his mother-in-law replies.
He looks at Aera in confusion, her face is pale and she looks as if she is scared. Anxiety seeps into Jay, whatever is happening is not in their favour.
“I don’t understand” Jay says.
“Oh honey, you are gonna be a father” his mom finally says.
Everything blurs around Jay, he can’t hear what his mother is saying next, something how happy she is to finally become a grandma. This can’t be possible, the child definitely isn’t his. He thinks of Sunghoon, their plans, the future they were planning not even an hour ago. The future which is now burning.
No, he thinks to himself, he won’t lose Sunghoon. He will tell the truth, he would be selfish for once in his life.
“Jay?” Aera’s voice breaks him out of his trance. He looks around to see their parents have left. “I asked them to give us some privacy” Aera says.
“ho-how?” Jay asks
“It was supposed to be a goodbye. He is moving abroad and I just wanted to see him one last time. And one thing led to another. I am sorry Jay, I never intended to get pregnant, nor have your parents find out” Aera confesses.
Jay had known Aera loved someone, she married him in the first place to protect that someone. But she has never opened up about that someone and Jay had never pressured her too. And Aera has always been supportive of him and his relationship with Sunghoon. If the truth comes out, it will destroy her and Jay can’t do that to her.
“It’s fine.” Jay sighs “this is fixable right, you can get an abortion and we can tell everyone it’s a misca-”
I am not getting an abortion, Jay. It’s the last piece of what I have left of him, I am not destroying it” Aera says.
“So does he know then? Is he taking responsibility of this child?” Jay asks.
Aera shakes her head no.
“You can tell everyone the truth and free yourself of this marriage, Jay.” Aera tells him.
“It would absolutely destroy you Aera, your parents, our society, you will be absolutely shunned” Jay replies.
“I have a job, Jay. I have some money saved up and I will manage” Aera argues.
Everything falls silent for a moment. In retrospect, Jay doesn’t know what he was actually thinking when he blurts out “what if we let everyone believe it’s our child?”
Aera looks at him in shock “you don’t have to do that Jay”
“No listen, we can still get divorced, and our parents won’t say anything if they had gotten their heir. And friends can raise a kid together.”
“What about Sunghoon? would he be okay with this?” Aera asks
“I will talk to him but he loves kids” Jay tells her. So yes maybe their US plan won’t work out but they can stay here, they can move in after Aera and him get divorced.
“Jay, it’s a really big decision, why don’t you think about this a little more” Aera urges him.
“This is win-win situation, Aera ” Jay replies.
Aera gives him a smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes.
It’s 3 days later, when Jay is getting ready to leave the office that his father comes to see him. He has plans to meet up with Sunghoon. Jay is going to tell him everything. He is nervous but it’s Sunghoon right, he would understand.
“Do you have a minute, son?” his father asks which honestly shocks Jay. His father never asked, he simply ordered. He had ordered Jay to stop with music, he had ordered Jay to get married and Jay never had the courage to defy him.
“Yes abeoji” Jay replies
“How’s Aera?” he asks.
“She’s doing fine, the doctor told her to rest” Jay replies
“I am proud of you,son” his father says, all of a sudden. “ I was worried that maybe you would go astray and maybe that is why I have been harder on you than necessary, but you have proved yourself to be a capable Park heir”
“Abeoji, why all of a sudden?” Jay asks, the feeling of impending doom settling in his stomach
“I am getting old you know and I think it’s time I step back and let you take the reigns. You have been doing good for the company and I think you are ready” his father tells him.
“Oh” Jay says “I don’t know what to say”
“Maybe not right now but after Aera has given birth, we can formally announce it. Meanwhile we can slowly start the changes within the company.” His father says.
Jay has always waited to hear his father to tell him he’s proud of Jay. But now that he has heard it, he feels like an imposter. Like the son his father is proud of is not Jay, it’s someone else. Someone who Jay doesn’t recognize.
But he can see his father is trying and suddenly he remembers 10 year old Jay who idiolised his father, who wanted to be just like him. The one who just wanted his father to be proud of him.
“Thank you, Appa”
Jay arrives at Sunghoon’s apartment with a bottle of champagne and a bouquet of roses. He promptly kisses Sunghoon as soon as he opens the door.
“hello,love” jay hands him the bouquet
“oh what’s the occasion?” Sunghoon asks with a smile.
“well I have the prettiest boyfriend in the whole world, can’t I spoil him a little?” Jay says and leans in to kiss Sunghoon again. Jay loves kissing Sunghoon, it’s his favourite thing in the world to do. He deepens the kiss , tightening his hold on Sunghoon’s waist. They eventually pull apart with the need to breathe.
“I think I need to be spoiled more ” Sunghoon says with a breathy laughter.
“well what kind of ceo boyfriend would I be if I can’t spoil my boyfriend?” Jay says in a faux hurt voice.
“You are not a ceo though” Sunghoon says
“I am though” Jay replies “or I will be in a few months”
“What?” Sunghoon slowly pulls him out of Jay’s hold
“Well it’s not official yet but I just had a talk with Abeoji, he is stepping down soon an- ” Jay doesn’t get to finish the sentence when Sunghoon asks “what about the US then?”
“Sunghoon I mean it’s not possible for me to leave now” Jay replies.
“why not?” Sunghoon asks “ there are job opportunities in the US too, maybe not ceo level but there are jobs”
“It’s not just the promotion though” and suddenly Jay feels hesitant to tell Sunghoon.
“And what Jay?” he asks
So Jay tells him everything, about Aera’s pregnancy, about their decision to raise the kid together.
“you are never going to come out, were you?” Sunghoon asks when he finally finishes
“It’s not that simple Sunghoon” Jay replies
“No I will always be your dirty little secret. You were never going to come to the US, you were never going to choose me over your family. I was stupid enough to hope.” Sunghoon says.
“Try to see it from my point of view and understand” Jay argues
“I have been understanding my whole life, maybe try to see it from my point of view for once. What will you tell your kid about me? We will always have to hide, I can’t do this anymore, it’s not fair to me” Sunghoon tells him.
“What do you mean you can’t do this anymore?” Jay asks, his voice going higher
“I love you Jay but I don’t want to live in hiding my whole life” Sunghoon says with assertion.
“It’s my family Hoon, I can’t just abandon them” Jay argues
“Yeah your family who doesn’t give two shits about your happiness” Sunghoon answers with a scoff
“Just because you come from a broken family, doesn’t mean I have to break mine too” Jay regrets it the moment he says it. He knows how much Sunghoon struggled when his father abandoned them. How his mother remarried and forgot about him. He had sent them invitation to every single one of his competition, even the Olympics. He had seen Sunghoon hide his heartbreak with a mask of nonchalance every time they had not shown up. Until he had broken down and cried. It is Sunghoon’s biggest wound and Jay just stabbed him there with a knife
“Get out” Sunghoon says
“I-I am sorry” Jay says
“I don’t care, we are over. Get out” there’s so much coldness in Sunghoon’s voice and he is not looking at Jay with his usual warmth. It makes Jay want to cry
“Sunghoon please listen to-” Jay tries to talk
“GET.THE.FUCK.OUT.OF.MY HOUSE” Sunghoon yells. Jay has never heard Sunghoon yell, he had seen him angry, frustrated but he had never yelled. Jay wants to talk, to beg for forgiveness but he can’t. He slowly walks out of the apartment and turns back to look at Sunghoon. Sunghoon is not looking at him though. If someone had told Jay that day that this would have been the last time he would see Sunghoon in 30 years, he would have fought harder.
Jay tries to call Sunghoon everyday since their fight, but Sunghoon has probably blocked him. His messages go unread too. He tries to call Heeseung who doesn’t answer the first few times. It’s a week later that he gets a text from Heeseung
We need to talk.
They meet up at their usual restaurant. Jay is waiting impatiently when Heeseung walks in. Alone.
“Sunghoon is not coming if that’s what you hoped” Heeseung tells him.
“I need to talk to him, hyung. I need to apologize-” Jay is saying when Heeseung cuts him off “And tell him what?”
“Tell him I am sorry” Jay replies.
“But what about the rest, Jay?” Heeseung asks
Suddenly, Jay is speechless.
“You need to let him go” Heeseung says
“ I love him” Jay replies
“I don’t doubt that Jay, and Sunghoon,he loves you too, more than anything in the world. But he doesn’t deserve this. This hiding, this secrecy. He deserves to be loved loudly and if you can’t give him that, then let him move on” Heeseung tells him.
Jay wants to scream, tell that nobody in the world can love Sunghoon more than him. But he knows Heeseung is right, that he can’t give Sunghoon what he wants, that his cowardice has won again. If he loved Sunghoon any less, he would have been selfish with him. But he loves Sunghoon with every inch of his being, with his heart and body and would do anything to see him happy. If that means letting him go, then so be it.
Heeseung stands up to leave and as an afterthought tells him “ we are leaving in a week, the offer is always there to join us. Otherwise congratulations on being a father,Jay”
Jay doesn’t answer. He watches Heeseung walk out of the door. The week passes by. Jay’s whole body itches to go to the airport, to not let Sunghoon walk way. Maybe he should. Maybe if he goes now, he can still catch up.
The sound of a heartbeat forces Jay out of his thoughts. He suddenly remembers where he is. He looks at Aera who’s looking at the moniter in awe .
“that, right there is your baby” The doctor says pointing at the screen.
“that’s my baby” Aera says,her voice choked up.
Jay holds her hand and lightly kisses it “our baby” he tells her.
Jays’s heart still itches to go to the airport but the heartbeat of his unborn child glues him to his place.
Jay loses the final piece of himself that day.
His biggest fear comes true that day.
Park Jongsaeng becomes just like his father.