Chapter Text
Class was fun. And Johnny was funny and smart. Peter liked hanging out with him and they went out to dinner a lot and to the movies. They didn’t hang out as Spider-Man and the Human Torch. But he kind of liked that. It was nice to have a college boyfriend, and it was nice to have a couple of hours in the day that were just his and Bucky’s.
Bucky was going on his first date from Match. Peter was excited on his behalf. He helped him pick an outfit. Peter told him not to worry about patrolling, promised he would get himself a buddy and said that people didn’t slut-shame if you went home with someone after a first date.
Then he shrugged, “I mean, you slut-shamed me over Daredevil, but as a society we’re done with that.”
“I wasn’t slut-shaming you,” Bucky protected. “I was horrified that a man in his thirties had sex with a child.”
“I was almost twenty.”
“Yes,” agreed Bucky.
Bucky left for his date. Johnny was going to a gala with his family, so Peter made popcorn and chilled out on the couch to watch some Star Wars before patrol. But Bucky came back less than a full hour later.
“You’re back?” asked Peter.
“The pizza and Insomnia Cookies will be here soon,” said Bucky as he threw his carefully picked jacket off.
“What happened?”
“Did you know that people are pen pals with serial killers in prison? That’s not common, right? That’s not just what people in the future do, right?”
“No, those people are weirdos,” said Peter. “I know they exist. Sometimes serial killers even get married to their pen pals in prison. But, they’re weirdos.”
“He seemed so nice on the internet. He was so excited to be on a date with a serial killer. He said I could strangle him or cut him in bed. It was unclear if he meant just a little or if he was hoping I would murder him while fucking him. I told him his dream was coming true: he was gonna get fucked by a serial killer because I was leaving and sticking him with the bill for the drinks and appetizers. It was a nice place, I left him with a seventy-dollar bill.”
“Bucky, my God. I am so sorry. That is awful. That guy is not normal. I mean, yeah, there are weirdos on the internet but usually not that weird. That’s horrifying.”
“I ordered pizza and cookies on the way home.”
Peter nodded and patted the couch, “Come have popcorn.” He pulled out his phone and did a mass text to his super friends. Typing silently, “Bucky went on a date with a serial killer enthusiast who hoped Bucky would kill him in bed. Can someone cover my patrol?”
Jessica texted back first, “Jesus FUCKING Christ. Stay home, I’ve got you covered.”
Putting his phone in his pocket, Peter said, “Jessica is going to cover patrol for me. I am putting on my PJs.”
“You don’t have to stay in-” Bucky started.
Peter interrupted, “My POW friend just called a serial killer by his date. We’re having a fun night in. We have pizza and cookies coming. You can pick the movies.”
“I heard about a series called Rocky?” said Bucky, seeming hesitant.
“Rocky’s awesome. Rocky IV is the best but Rocky and Rocky II are great too. And while Rocky III isn’t the best, it does have Mr. T. I’m putting on PJs.”
In the bedroom, he said, “Karen, Bucky was going to a fancy hipster barbecue place. See if there is a good barbecue spot that will deliver, please? He shouldn’t miss out on barbecue.”
“Sure, Peter. Want me to just order the best stuff?”
“Yeah, we’ll get through the leftovers.”
By the time he came back, Bucky was reading on his phone. “The internet says Rocky IV is the worst Rocky and that it’s just Cold War propaganda.”
“Ignore the internet. Uncle Ben used to do the whole final speech any time he wore a swimsuit. Rocky wins the Cold War. It’s awesome, Bucky. It’s the best one, with an awesome training montage.”
The cookies came before the food, and they ate their cookies and ice cream as they started Rocky. The pizza and barbecue came at the same time. The delivery guys seemed confused at each other’s presence, and Peter said, “A date went extremely wrong. Thank you for your help.” He tipped them both and took the food.
Bucky looked at the bag from the barbecue place with confusion, and Peter said, “That weirdo does not get to take your barbecue away.”
Bucky gave him a half-dopey smile. “That’s really thoughtful, Peter. Thank you.”
They dug in, and after a little while, Karen said, “Can Happy come? He doesn’t have food in the fridge.”
Peter looked at Bucky, “It’s up to you.”
“We have so much food. Of course he can come.”
Happy came down and looked surprised, “Bucky, I thought you were on a date? I thought I was catching Peter before he headed out.”
“My date was a serial killer enthusiast who was hopeful that I would hurt or kill him in bed,” said Bucky. Gesturing to the spread of food, he explained, “We have ribs, brisket, coleslaw, beans, cornbread, pizza, ice cream and cookies. Help yourself. We’re watching the Rocky movies.”
Happy breathed out hard, “Jesus, you hear about those freaks, but you don’t think about them really existing.”
“Remember that woman who wanted to marry Charles Manson? And we all thought she was a creep? But then it turns out she just wanted be his widow and get his body once he was dead because she had a plan to sell tickets to see his corpse?” said Peter.
“Yeah, still not normal but at least it was a business plan and not that she actually wanted to marry Charles Manson,” agreed Happy. “But, Bucky, you’re not even a serial killer you’re a victim of Nazis.”
“Hence the feast, movies and Peter in PJs,” agreed Bucky. “My bar for social interactions is low. Usually I go with ‘Any time I’m not being physically tortured I call it a good day.’ But this one, not so much.”
“Y’wanna go to the petting zoo in Central Park tomorrow and stroke some goats?” said Peter.
“That would be great,” agreed Bucky.
***
The midterm of the class was, like, three weeks in because it was a six-week class. He and Bucky hosted their usual dinner party, and Jessica rocked up, needing stitches right in the middle of it.
She was bleeding profusely but said, “Oh, Johnny, we’ve never met. You’re in the summer class? That’s how you and Peter met? Cute.” Then she passed out.
Bucky wiped his mouth and said, “Please excuse me for five minutes.”
He was gone for a little while, and then he came back carrying her, still unconscious but with a clean, stitched shoulder. He brought her into a guest room. Sitting back down, he said, “She’ll sleep it off and be up in a few hours.”
“She didn’t wake up while you were stitching her?” asked Peter.
“No, thank God, we don’t have anything strong enough to knock her out so I’m glad she lost enough blood to stay unconscious while I did her stitches.”
While their study group seemed nonplussed, Johnny said, “It’s nice that you’re friends with Jessica. I didn’t think she liked anyone.”
***
The next night, he stayed with Johnny for the first time. They went out to dinner and then went back to Johnny’s to watch Waterworld on LaserDisc. The other three Fantastics were out doing things. So they could curl up together in the home theater. It was one of six movies Johnny had on LaserDisc, and Peter just wanted to see the giant CDs. They were so pretty.
The movie was not great, but it was fun, and he and Johnny made out. He had never done the Netflix and chill thing. Putting on a bad movie and paying no attention to it was nice.
“Do you want to stay here tonight?” asked Johnny.
“Yeah, I just, I,” Peter felt awkward.
“You’ve only had one girlfriend, I get it,” said Johnny.
“I hooked up with Daredevil once,” Peter shrugged. “But that’s it. I want to stay, I just don’t know what I’m doing.”
“Daredevil? How old is Daredevil?”
“You sound like Bucky. I was sad; I just got dumped; it was just friendly.”
“I’m glad you’re not sadly hooking up with middle-aged men.”
“No,” Peter laughed, “no sad hook ups.”
They kept hooking up and made their way to Johnny’s bedroom. “You’re so hot,” said Johnny, tugging Peter’s shirt off.
“Thanks, so are you — even when you aren’t on fire.”
They just messed around, hand jobs and cuddling. It felt warm and secret and good. Johnny was panting and lifted his head from Peter’s chest. He looked at Peter with adoration and said, “I can’t believe I’m hooking up with Spider-Man. I mean, God, you’re Spider-Man, and you just got me off.”
Peter just laughed. “Happy to be of service, citizen.” Johnny smiled and leaned up for a kiss.
When he woke up, all Peter could think about was coffee. He was tired, but he knew he had to get up, and he whispered, “Coffee?”
“Kitchen. It’s a timer. Be there in five, promise.”
Peter slipped out of bed and dressed in sweats and a t-shirt from Johnny’s drawers. He put his phone in his pocket. Peter kissed the top of Johnny’s head before heading to the kitchen. He could smell the coffee, and he felt like a cartoon character being dragged toward a magnet.
Sue and Reed were in the kitchen, and he blinked slowly. “Hi, hello, Johnny thought you were out of town for the weekend. I’m Peter.”
Sue lit up, “Of course. I’ve seen pictures on Johnny’s phone. It’s so nice to meet you.”
“You too,” he smiled.
“Coffee?” offered Reed.
“Yes, please. Johnny said he’d be up in a couple of minutes, but he’s pretty out.”
“Good: I want to get to know you,” said Sue. “I love your study method.”
“Johnny said you invented it?” asked Reed.
“No, I read it as a suggestion on Reddit. It’s not my method. I just put it into practice. But it works. This is the third class Bucky and I have used it in and everyone we know has perfect scores.”
“That is awesome,” said Reed with a grin. “And you know, we’re just so thrilled about you and Johnny.”
Peter felt himself blush a little. “Oh, thanks.”
“It’s just, his last relationship was a triangle with the royal family of the moon,” said Sue. “A cool, smart dedicated college student? So much better. He needed to get away from supers.”
Peter felt his blood run cold but nodded as he accepted coffee from Reed’s outstretched arm. The man hadn’t moved from where he stood eight feet away by the coffee pot.
Johnny came in, sleepily kissed him and then blinked at his sister, saying, “Shouldn’t you be at a conference in Michigan?”
“We did our presentation and no one we wanted to talk to turned up,” explained Reed.
Johnny nodded. Peter was trying really hard to stay calm. But calm had never been his strong suit. “They were just saying how nice it is that you have a non-super boyfriend.”
“I don’t mean non-super as a bad thing,” said Sue quickly. “Superpowers really aren’t that great. And honestly, Johnny needed to stop hanging out with supers.”
Johnny spoke fast, ignoring his sister, seeming to realize he had made a massive misstep. “Peter, you’re the only person I know with a secret identity. I mean, there’s Daredevil. But I’ve never met him, so I don’t know his name. you didn’t tell me your identity and say, ‘By the way, tell your family.’ The last time your identity got revealed, Dr. Strange’s kneejerk reaction was to erase eight billion people’s memories.”
“That’s because a supervillain framed me for murder,” Peter protested.
“Whatever, you trusted me with your secret. I wasn’t telling anyone else. And just because Sue is an idiot who says stupid things before you get to drink your coffee doesn’t change anything. For God’s sake: she married Reed. She does not get to make a peep about other people’s love lives.”
“Hey,” protested Reed, but Johnny gave him a look, and he stopped talking.
“You’re amazing. And as for my dating past, we all make missteps. I mean, Bucky went on a date with a guy who said, ‘I love that you’re a serial killer; please murder me during sex.’ Did we tell him to delete Match? No, of course not. I have had a crush on you since I was eleven; I get to date you: this is a win.”
“Oh God, Spider-Man, I am so sorry,” said Sue with sudden understanding. “I shouldn’t have said a word. I should have quit while I was ahead. I love the study method. I love that Johnny is dating a cool, smart, nice person he’s so into. He can’t shut up about you.”
“It’s nice to meet you. We both know you’re lying when you say superpowers aren’t that cool,” Peter said with a smile before taking a sip of his coffee.
“Oh, yeah, totally,” she agreed. “Superpowers are the best. And you were doing the superhero thing way back in the before. How has it changed?”
“It used to be gentler. But, I was a kid. Mr. Stark always told me to be the friendly neighborhood Spider-Man… that was easier then. Mr. Stark, the Black Widow, Vision, Wanda Maximoff — they’re all gone. Clint Barton retired. Bruce Banner is trying to be Bill Nye. Steve Rogers is a billion years old. Thor is living in New Asgard. I don’t know what it was like during the Blip — if crime was up or down when half of us were gone. But now? Having the population almost double over night screwed up the economy, housing, resource distribution. It raised anxiety and our crime levels now are on par with the New York of the seventies. It’s not good. I used to want to go to MIT but… Sam and I are the only Avengers left. I met Ms. Marvel once. I don’t know her name. But from the pitch of her voice, her slang, the fact that she’s proud of being a YouTuber with almost two hundred subscribers… I want her to stay a kid for as long as possible. I gave her pretty much the same speech Mr. Stark gave me about staying close to the ground, being home before curfew, listening to her parents. She needs to stick to grand theft bicycle. She told me her mom sewed her super suit. I told her it was a great suit and that she needed to stay in New Jersey. It used to be easier,” he sighed. “Sam and I are the only two Avengers left. I’m just glad that new people keep joining the fight. Big fan of the Fantastics and the X-Men. You are awesome. Sorry, that was a very long answer to a simple question: crime levels are worse, and we’re hosed when the next Thanos happens.”
“What was Tony Stark like?” asked Reed. “I saw him speak at conferences. He was brilliant. The whole world knew that. But, what was he like?”
Peter sighed, “Y’know, I get that question a lot and it’s hard to say. He saw me as the son he never had. We had movie nights; he always looked at pictures of my latest LEGO project on my phone. People ask and they want to know about him as a friend, as an adult. I was fourteen when we met. I was seventeen when Thanos snapped. I came back for the fight. I spoke to him for fifteen seconds and he hugged me, kissed my cheek and then we fought side by side. Then he was dead. I never got the chance to know him as an adult. To me, he was Mr. Stark who would pick me up at school with McDonalds, play with me in the lab, watch Indiana Jones with me and ask me if I had plucked up the courage to ask out the girl I liked yet. He was the best. What does anyone think of their family members? He was the best. But a lot of people who met him couldn’t stand him. So, who knows?”
“I’m sorry for your loss,” said Reed. “It must be very difficult to grieve for a man while the rest of the world turns him into a myth.”
Peter nodded, “The person I feel the worst for is Morgan. She’s so little. She’s only going to have flashes of him. And people will fill in the gaps with exaggerated BS. She’s going to have a distorted idea of who he was.”
“Maybe she’ll remember,” said Johnny. “What do you remember of your parents?”
“I was a year older, and I only remember the heightened emotions. I remember my mom being drunk one Hannukah, knocking over the menorah, catching light to the tablecloth and Dad swearing up and down that she was only so drunk because it was kosher wine. And they used that as their excuse to drink normal wine — because kosher wine sucks. Kosher wine is no more alcoholic than non-kosher wine. We also ate bacon. We weren’t very good at being kosher. Mom made really good pancakes and she sang a pancake song. We went to the beach a lot and Dad would help me fly kites. That’s really it. A few other tiny things. A lot of things… I don’t know if I really remember them or if I’ve seen photos and think I remember. But at least I don’t have the world telling me what I should remember. We talk about things now that she remembers, and I hope she keeps some of it. We were eating strawberries the other day and she told me that one time he ate two pounds of strawberries over the course of a conversation and then searched the fridge because he had been too busy talking to notice he was eating. He was always that way with fruit. I think those are all my depressing thoughts on Mr. Stark.” He shrugged.
“Any thoughts on the rest of the Avengers?” asked Sue.
“Sam is awesome, just the best. Bucky is one of my best friends; he’s my roommate. Stephen Strange is much funnier than you would expect. Steve Rogers is the worst, just unspeakably awful. He sucks so much, and he’s in my living room far too often because Bucky is way too nice to tell him where to get off.”
“I thought he lived on the Moon?” said Reed.
Peter snorted, then said, “Sorry, I just. I didn’t think you would buy into conspiracy theories. No, he doesn’t live on the Moon. He is an old man in Brooklyn. I can’t stand him.”
With a sigh, he said, “Rhodey is fantastic. Although he would stress that he does not self-identify as an Avenger.”
“Does Bucky?” asked Johnny, raising an eyebrow.
“Well, I’m an Avenger and he is my shadow. So, yeah, the next time Nick Fury turns up and tells me to gear up, I’m going to shout to Bucky to get his shoes on.”
“You met Fury?” asked Sue.
Peter nodded, “Yeah. Would you mind if I got a refill?” He had drained his cup.
“Yeah, sorry, we’ve been grilling you,” said Sue as she grabbed the coffee pot and refilled his cup.
“No, I understand.” He took a long sip. “You’ve been doing this for under four years. I’ve been doing it for six. I’m younger, but I grill the more established heroes too. Plus, there are so few of us that when we meet, it’s so exciting. It gets less exciting to be a hero the longer it goes on but it’s great to meet each other.”
“You don’t think it’s exciting?” asked Reed.
“I have lost far too many people,” said Peter. “It used to be fun.” His phone beeped in his pocket. Pulling it out, he read it and said, “Oh no. Oh no.” Looking at Johnny, he said, “Bucky says he’s deleting Match.”
“No,” Johnny gasped. “He had a brunch date today, right?”
“Yeah, he was excited. This guy seemed nice.”
“Shit, you should go,” said Johnny.
“Yeah, God, okay.” Peter chugged down his coffee. “I think he might need a bro day.”
“Go,” said Johnny.
Peter handed Johnny his coffee cup and said, “It was lovely to meet you, Sue and Reed.” He considered the clothes he was wearing. “I’ll get my clothes back at some point?”
“I’ll even wash them,” said Johnny with a smile.
“You’re the best,” Peter laughed.
Johnny walked Peter to the door and said, “I hope he’s okay.”
“I’m going to fill him up with sugar and find him a goat to pet,” said Peter.
“Will that work?” asked Johnny.
“Oh yeah, I can fix this,” Peter pecked him on the mouth. “Call you later?”
“If you can, but if he needs you, I get it,” Johnny hugged him, “Sorry my family are… like that.”
Peter winced, “I spewed a lot of feelings at them.”
“They dug into wounds,” Johnny said. “Everything’s okay.” He kissed Peter slowly and then gently pushed him away. “Go fix Bucky.”
Peter toed on his sneakers and said, “See you soon, Johnny.”
***
Peter got home to find Bucky in PJs eating a croissant. Bucky was scowling. “Insomnia Cookies isn’t open at ten AM.”
“What happened?” asked Peter.
“I got Cyrano de Bergerac-ed.”
Peter parsed it out in his head and said, “That’s called catfishing now.”
“I know what catfishing is, Peter, it wasn’t catfishing. I was the fucking Roxane to a Cyrano and Christian pair.”
“Holy shit. Full disclosure. I’ve never read that book; I’ve only seen a TV show where Cyrano was played by a dog. But oh my God.”
“I go and the very hot guy who I have been talking to for two weeks is there. And he was just as hot as he was in his profile. But, next to him was a little old man. Let me just say, Peter, every time you say I’m thirty-four I think you’re an idiot because I’m over a hundred years old. So, the hot man — he was funny, so nice, interesting and he had told me he had friends who had been POWs — he was a fucking liar. I don’t know what he wrote to me and what his eighty-five-year-old grandfather who fought in Vietnam wrote. But hot guy felt he needed to come clean because he really felt like he should quote bow out unquote. Peter, I’m thirty-four. I didn’t think I was, but I really am. Why the fuck would I date an eighty-five-year-old? It’s weird. It’s obscene. And why would I be interested in these weirdoes who had a twisted scheme? Who does that outside of fiction? Also, maybe they didn’t cover it in your TV show with a dog, but Cyrano and Christian both die. It’s not a happy story. No one wins when you do that bullshit.”
“Christian died, Cyrano survived. He was the one the dog was playing. You can’t kill the dog on a kid’s show about literature.”
“What show is this?”
“A kids’ show from the ’80s called Wishbone. Apparently May used to watch it with her friends in college while drunk. She got them for me on DVD when I was little because she loved it. It was very cute.”
“I was looking forward to mimosas and eggs benedict. The only brunch I’ve been to was your graduation and I loved that.”
Peter nodded, “Okay, well, if you’d gone on a date you probably would have avoided salmon so you could make out if the mood hit you. You love salmon.” Bucky gave him a half nod. “So, I’m going to take a fast shower. Karen, please get us a reservation at a place with salmon eggs benedict. And, Bucky, brush off the crumbs and change back out of your jammies. We’re going to bro brunch, you can enjoy all the onions and smoked fish you want.”
“Peter,” Bucky started to protest.
“Cookies are for when dates go wrong at night; right now, we can salvage the day. Right, Karen?”
“Of course, Peter, I’ll find you a great spot,” she said enthusiastically.
“Aren’t you supposed to be in a cocoon with Johnny?” said Bucky.
“Sue and Reed turned up. It was awkward. Let me shower and I’ll tell you just how bad it was.”
He showered fast and put on jeans and a t-shirt. When he returned to the living room, he saw that Bucky was wearing black jeans and a blue Henley. “Did you wear that to your date?” Bucky nodded. “You looked that good and they screwed you over?” Bucky just laughed. “I’m so sorry.”
“Karen, did you manage to get a reservation?” asked Bucky.
“Yes, it’s a little bit classier; it’s not unlimited mimosas. But not too fancy for sneakers.”
“That’s a really useful fancy guide,” said Peter.
She gave them a name and an address and Peter said, “It’s hot outside and our second stop is outdoors, so we’re taking a cab because I want to be cool for as long as possible.”
“We have stops?” asked Bucky.
“Yes, there are stages to salvaging the day.”
***
The restaurant had chandeliers and wanted people to think it was super fancy. But the food was good. Bucky ordered the salmon eggs benedict. Peter ordered an omelet. Then he asked the server, “Can we also please have an order of the French toast and the avocado toast?”
“Our portions aren’t small,” the woman assured him.
“I have the metabolism of an enhanced human and he can put food away like a teenager,” said Bucky.
Peter ordered a latte, and the woman asked if he wanted a mimosa, and Peter said, “I’m not twenty-one.”
Bucky ordered a black coffee and a grapefruit mimosa.
Once she left, Peter said, “I’m so sorry he — well, they — were assholes. But I’m glad we’re at bro brunch.”
They emptied all the plates. It was all delicious. Peter covertly slipped his credit card to the server after Bucky said no when asked if he wanted another mimosa. She looked slightly surprised that Peter was paying but discretely took the card.
Bucky was surprised when she bought the receipt for Peter to sign, and Peter said, “You had a terrible date. Of course I paid.”
“Meeting your boyfriend’s family was a disaster, I should have paid,” said Bucky.
“It wasn’t a disaster.”
“It sounded like a trainwreck.”
Peter rolled his eyes. “Shut up. We’re on to stop number two.”
Outside, Peter hailed a cab and requested a specific entrance to Central Park.
“It’s hot to be out in the park,” said Bucky.
“You’re a superhero,” said Peter, “you can take a little sunshine.”
“I can take it, but will it improve my day?” asked Bucky.
Peter just laughed. It didn’t take long to get there, and Peter paid, pushing Bucky out, saying, “Things to do, Bucky, places to be.”
They walked into the park, and Bucky said, “Oh, I get it.”
They passed a kid throwing a fit because he wanted to go to the Bronx Zoo, where the giraffes were. The Central Park Zoo was much smaller and didn’t have big animals like elephants or lions.
“We don’t need giraffes,” said Peter.
“No, because you’re taking me to a petting zoo,” said Bucky.
“We’re going to go hang out with some goats,” Peter corrected.
“We’re going to be two adult men surrounded by children and that’s not a good look at a zoo. The last time we did this it felt weird. I mean, visiting the animals was great, but it was weird.”
“Don’t worry: I thought of that,” he said as he spotted Pepper and Morgan and waved.
Morgan ran over, “Hi, Peter, hi, Bucky. Thank you for inviting me to the zoo. I know that we’re going to the petting zoo. But can we visit the red panda first?”
“Of course we can,” said Bucky.
“They are my favorite,” said Morgan.
Pepper came and said, “I have so many errands. Thank you so much for this. Have a wonderful time.” She kissed Peter, Bucky and Morgan on the cheek before leaving.
They got tickets and went inside, making a beeline for the red panda enclosure first. After watching them for a while, Morgan was done. She took Bucky’s hand and said, “Mommy said you had a bad morning. I’m sorry you had a bad morning.”
“Thanks, Morgan. I used to be a goat herd, so seeing goats will make me feel better.”
“I wonder if they have any babies we get to feed with bottles,” said Morgan, skipping along next to him, swinging their joined hands.
“Oh, man, fingers crossed,” he agreed dryly.
They went into the petting zoo and were issued food bags marked with pictures of different animals but told they could stay to pet the animals as long as they liked. They fed the chickens first, and Morgan said, “Hi, you’re delicious,” as they surrounded her.
Once they finished with the chickens, they moved on to the sheep, where Morgan told them off for growing up and no longer being bottle-fed. They were very soft, and Peter cuddled them more than fed them. They were so cute. Peter got through his food fast and then stroked one that knocked him over and sat on him.
Once Morgan and Bucky were out of food, they moved on to the star attraction. The goats were loud and excited to be surrounded by people. Bucky took a knee to greet them, and Peter watched him unwind as he stroked them.
Peter was paying attention to his own goats but heard Bucky say, “Maurice, stop pushing.”
“How did you find out their names?” asked Peter.
“I assigned them names,” Bucky replied. “He’s clearly a Maurice.”
“Are you having fun, Bucky?” asked Morgan.
“I’m having a great time. Thank you for bringing me to the zoo, Morgan.”
“Why was your morning bad?” asked Morgan.
“Have you ever heard the story of Cyrano de Bergerac?” asked Bucky.
“No,” she shook her head.
“A girl named Roxane thinks she’s dating a handsome boy named Christian. But in turns out all of the love letters he wrote her were written by his ugly friend Cyrano.”
“That’s not nice,” said Morgan. “That’s lying.”
“It is,” agreed Bucky. “I went on a date this morning. And I’ve been talking online to a very handsome, nice guy. And he came to our date with his grandfather. It turns out his grandfather had been talking to me a lot of the time, not the handsome guy.”
“Oh no, you were Roxaned?” she asked.
“Yeah, I got Roxaned.”
“What happens to Christian and Cyrano at the end of the story?” she asked.
“They die,” he said.
“Good, you dates were mean,” she said with finality.
“Thank you for being a good friend. I don’t think they deserve to die for being jerks to me.”
They coaxed more and more goats to them and ended up with nine goats crowding around them. Some kids looked disgruntled that they were hoarding the goats. Peter smiled at them and said, “Bucky used to herd goats for a living, that’s why he’s so good at it.”
Bucky looked around and smiled at Peter, acknowledging that he understood what Peter was doing. They couldn’t hoard the goats as much as he wanted to. Instead, Bucky said, “See, kids, what you do is get on their level and be calm. I know that’s hard when they are so exciting. But, they like you more when you’re calm.” He talked them through attracting goats without needing to bait them with food, and soon enough, they had gathered up all the goats in the enclosure, even though most of the kids were out of feed.
One mother near Peter spoke softly as she said, “Excuse me, isn’t that Bucky Barnes?”
Peter steeled himself for harsh words but answered, “Yes, that’s Bucky.”
“He herded goats?” she asked.
“Before Thanos, after HYDRA,” said Peter. “Maybe the only respite he’s ever had.”
The woman looked momentarily devastated but schooled her face and just nodded. Morgan tugged his arm. “Peter, do you have any food left? Mary’s a very good goat and I ran out.”
Peter relinquished the last of his food to her.
They played for another twenty minutes before Bucky said, “Morgan, what else do you want to see?”
“Can we look at the penguins? Are you done visiting with the goats?”
“Yeah, we can go look at the penguins,” he gently removed a goat from his lap.
Morgan took both his and Peter’s hands. “Let’s wash our hands after we see the penguins so we can get ice cream,” she said as she skipped.
“Great idea,” agreed Peter.
They spent some time looking at the penguins and then washed their hands before going to the ice cream truck parked just inside the gates of the zoo. The side of the van had stickers showing that it was selling the latest ice cream bars from the Maria Stark Foundation. The White Wolf, the updated Captain America and Spider-Man had joined the Avengers lineup. Pepper had had them sign paperwork about their likenesses. Peter had signed it as “Spider-Man.” As Pepper had witnessed it, the MSF had accepted it.
“What would you like?” Peter asked Morgan.
“Spider-Man. I’ve tried all the rest. Bucky, you’re peach ice cream and you have chocolate dipped hair and blue raspberry sherbet eyes. It’s really good.”
“What’s Sam?” asked Bucky.
“Chocolate ice cream, with strawberry ice cream for his goggles, chocolate dipped hair and vanilla ice cream for his cowl. It’s good too.”
“Cool, sounds good. I can’t eat myself, but I can try Sam.”
Stepping up to the van window, Peter ordered Cap Sam, White Wolf and Spider-Man bars. After they unwrapped them, Peter took a selfie of the three of them with their bars. He sent it to Pepper, Happy and Rhodey first. Then he sent it to Sam, saying, “About to find out how delicious you are!”
As they were eating, Bucky’s phone rang. He glanced at it and picked up, saying, “Hey, Sam, we’re at the zoo, what’s up?... Oh, I don’t want to tell you you’re delicious because your ego is too large as it is. Morgan’s grandmother’s charity makes tasty ice cream bars. Way better than the SpongeBob and Transformer ice creams from Popsicle Peter buys at the supermarket.” Peter rolled his eyes at him. Morgan made grabby hands toward Bucky’s phone. “Here’s Morgan.”
“Hi, Sam. Out of the new ice creams, yours is second best. Bucky’s is the best. Um, obviously I love Spider-Man so much and his ice cream is wonderful, because strawberry is great. But, there is no chocolate.”
“Do you want to trade?” offered Peter.
“No, I want strawberry right now,” she said. Then she said, “Bye, Sam.” She handed the phone back to Bucky.
“There’s your review… I’m not telling you you’re delicious… Bye, Sam.” He hung up and said, “It’s delicious.”
Peter chuckled, “It’s getting really hot out here.”
“Can we swim at Uncle Happy’s? It would be nice to swim inside, out of the sun,” said Morgan.
“I don’t know what Mommy’s plan is for the day or what Uncle Happy is doing,” said Peter.
“Would it make you happy, Bucky?” asked Morgan. “After getting Roxaned?”
He laughed, “Oh, are we gonna exploit my bad day to get you an indoor pool?”
“Only if you want to go swimming,” said Morgan.
“Peter, why don’t you text Pepper and Happy and see if we can use his pool, please?” said Bucky as he popped the last bite of his ice cream into his mouth.
Peter texted to find out where everyone was and ask if they could use Happy’s pool. Happy replied that he could always use the pool, and Peter wrote, “You could have a date; you could be swimming naked.”
“I’m not naked; I’m doing paperwork and trying to remember that it’s a Saturday. If you swim, I’ll join you.”
“I’ll meet you at the pool,” Pepper wrote.
Looking up, Peter said, “Mommy and Uncle Happy are gonna meet us at the pool. Let’s get a cab. It’s too hot to walk.” Morgan finished her ice cream, and Peter wiped her face with a napkin. “Let’s go.”
Outside the park, he hailed a cab, and they all climbed in. “Hey,” said Peter. He gave the man their address, but the guy just looked at Morgan and smiled at her.
“Honey, do you know these guys? Are you okay?”
Morgan looked confused and said, “Peter’s my big bother and Bucky is his best friend. We’re going to Uncle Happy’s to go swimming. We got really hot at the zoo.”
The guy gave Peter an embarrassed look, “Sorry, I just.”
“Two men came out of the zoo with a kid who clearly isn’t their daughter,” said Peter. “Thank you for checking.”
“What’s he checking?” asked Morgan.
“He was making sure that you knew us and weren’t being taken from the zoo by strangers,” explained Peter.
Morgan gasped. “My goodness, that’s scary.” To the cab driver, she said, “Bucky went on a really horrible date this morning. He used to raise goats. Petting goats makes him feel better, so we came to the zoo. But Mommy is gonna meet us at the pool.” To Peter, she asked, “Does Mommy have a swimsuit at Uncle Happy’s? I have my blue swimsuit with the tutu.”
“No, your swimsuit at Uncle Happy’s is the yellow one with the fairy wings,” Peter corrected. “I’m not sure if Mommy has a suit. But it’s only family so she can strip to her underwear if she wants.”
“Can we have a sleepover?” asked Morgan.
“We’ll have to ask Mommy,” said Peter. “I have no plans.”
“Didn’t you and Johnny have a whole weekend planned?” said Bucky.
“Yeah, but then Sue made it awkward, and then you needed to be rescued, so we’re considering the weekend a wash, and I’m just having family time.”
They pulled up in front of the building as Pepper was stepping out of a car. “There’s Mommy,” said Morgan with excitement. “She has so many shopping bags.”
“Well, she said she was running errands, let’s help her,” said Bucky, helping her unbuckle her seatbelt. They climbed out as Peter paid.
“Thank you for making sure she wasn’t being kidnapped,” said Peter. “It’s way too hot to walk home.”
“Was that Bucky Barnes and Pepper Potts?” asked the guy.
“Yeah, my life is weird, and Morgan Stark is my honorary sister. Have a nice day.” He got out and took the last of the bags off of Pepper.
“Hey, Peter, how was the zoo?” she asked with a smile.
“So cute, Pep, seriously, adorable,” he said. “What did you buy?”
“Morgan has outgrown ninety percent of her clothes,” said Pepper.
Bucky and Peter carried the bags for her. They smiled at the guards at the desk and went into the elevator. Peter hit the button for his floor and used his face on the scanner to access it. Then Karen said, “Hi. Welcome home.”
“Hi,” said Peter. “Nice to be home.”
“Peter said you had a rough morning,” said Pepper to Bucky. “How are you feeling?”
“Poor Bucky got Roxaned,” said Morgan.
“Roxaned?” said Pepper. She raised an eyebrow, “Like the Police song?”
“I don’t know the song, I told Morgan the story of Cyrano de Bergerac because a good-looking man brought his grandfather to our date this morning to admit that his messages were ghostwritten. I was the Roxane to their Christian and Cyrano double act. Peter ditched his weekend plans to distract me. I think I need to delete Match.”
The door opened, and Morgan rushed by them. As Morgan ran to find her swimsuit, Peter said, “You shouldn’t delete Match. I should make a video telling everyone off.”
“That’s a terrible idea,” said Bucky.
“Lots of people are fond of Spider-Man. Spider-Man makes a video saying, ‘do better,’ maybe you’ll go on a nice date.”
Bucky considered it and said, “It can’t make it worse.”
“Karen, can you ask F.R.I.D.A.Y. to set me up with a verified Spider-Man StarkConnect profile, please?”
“Sure, Peter, I’m sure she’d be thrilled for you to get on social media.”
Peter went to his bedroom to get his swimsuit as Bucky did the same, and Pepper headed up.
Bucky’s swimsuit was tiny and old-fashioned. Once they were all changed, Peter swung Morgan up onto his hip, “Let’s go cool off.”
***
They spent the afternoon swimming and ordered Indian food for dinner. They watched the Muppets Treasure Island after dinner, and Morgan fell asleep during the movie. Peter put on his suit and made a video on his phone.
He said, “Hey, Spider-Man here. How’s it going? Oh, me? Just spider stuff. I set up this profile to talk to you about a crucial matter: Bucky Barnes’ love life. Bucky recently got on Match, and I was pumped. His ex is a nightmare, and I was so thrilled he was getting back on the horse. You hear horror stories about online dating all the time. But, you guys, wowza, you guys are taking the cake. He went with Match because he thought it would be more serious than Tinder or Grindr. Stop sending him pictures of your body before saying hello. Very few people want naked pictures unprompted. And, yes, he is thirty-four. But he was also born in 1917, so say hi and ask if he wants the picture first. That’s just good manners. And before you do anything, ask yourself if you’re a nice person. If you aren’t, leave him alone.
“Bucky is the longest-held POW in history. He was held by HYDRA for decades. When he was conscious, he was tortured or forced to commit atrocities. He is a kind human being with a Congressional Medal of Honor. He got his life back, and what did he do? He became a superhero and a college student. He is a science fiction nerd with a dry wit. He’s good-looking, interesting, kind, fun, brilliant.
“He deserves someone nice, and he’s awesome. You hit the jackpot when you go on a date with him. And he’s sweet. He got sad after his last awful date today. So our friend Peter took him to a petting zoo to cheer him up. That’s so cute: goats cheer him up.
“So far, he’s been on a date with a guy who said he always wanted to date a serial killer and asked Bucky over drinks to murder him in bed and a guy who played out the plot of Cyrano de Bergerac and had his grandfather write half his messages. Men of New York, do better. You are showing him the worst of us. Pleasant guys who are interested in pleasant guys, you should message him. Weirdos and creeps, back off. He already has the worst ex ever; he doesn’t need a long list of bad one-off dates to go along with that prize.
“He deserves guys who give him flowers, chocolates, wine, cake, balloons — the whole works. But right now, we’re aiming for guys who are just not awful. Just clear that bar. Please, please, prove that there are normal men in this city.
“Finally, on a personal note, J. Johan Jameson, I know I can’t do anything without you commenting. But before you pick your angle: do you really want to attack a POW with a Congressional Medal of Honor who is best friends with two Captains America? It’s not a good look, my guy. Maybe just pretend this video didn’t happen.”
He showed it to Bucky before posting it, and Bucky just shook his head, “Steve’s gonna be pissed at being called a nightmare. But you’re not wrong, and I would like a good date. Just don’t say I endorsed it.”
“Of course. Y’want to go out on patrol for a couple of hours? Morgan is out, and Karen can let Pepper know if she wakes up. But it’s up to you; this is your day.”
Bucky considered his options and finally said, “Insomnia Cookies wasn’t open this morning. I want cookies, a couple of episodes of Battlestar Galactica and an early night. Daredevil and Luke are covering for you, right?”
“Yeah, they were both pleased I’m in a healthy romantic relationship. Although Luke thinks I should try to win MJ back. He says Johnny’s a flake.”
“MJ was great. But I think Johnny’s nice. And MJ dumped you.”
“Okay, well, when you say it like that, I also want cookies.”
They put in their order, and Peter put on his PJs before joining Pepper and Happy on the balcony. There was a breeze this high up.
The cookies came, and it was a delivery guy they had had twice before. He studied Peter, “You seem really sober to call this frequently.”
“We treat emotional turmoil with cookies. And we’re pretty high stress people,” Peter explained as he tipped the guy with cash instead of his card reader.
“You should sign up for the reward program: a free cookie with every ten orders. You can also schedule regular deliveries.”
“I don’t think we can schedule our breakdowns,” said Peter. “But free cookies would be nice.” He pressed a checkmark on the guy’s digital receipt to sign up for the newsletter and get into the reward program. “Thanks, man.”
“Have a goodnight. Good luck with your emotional turmoil.”
“Cookies help,” said Peter as he shut the door. He brought the cookies to the balcony and said, “I signed us up for the free cookie reward program.”
“Oh, excellent, we can’t afford all the cookies we buy,” Bucky said sarcastically, and Peter paused.
Sighing, he said, “Sometimes I forget.”
Pepper smiled, “The delivery guy probably gets a bonus for signing people up. I was a supermarket cashier in college, and I got bonuses for getting people to join the loyal shoppers club. I always sign up for the reward club when someone asks; they might get ten bucks because I said yes.” She took a bite of a chocolate chip and said, “That’s so good and hot.”
“We love them,” said Peter.
“We’re going to earn free cookies so quickly,” agreed Bucky.
Pepper was yawning and said, “I’m going to head up to bed. Bucky, I’m so sorry you had a bad date. But thank you for taking Morgan. I got so much done today.”
Happy said, “I still have some paperwork. Have fun, gentlemen.”
They settled down in the living room, wrapping themselves in their usual blankets. As Bucky clicked through the TV menu to find the correct episode, he said, “Thank you for today, Peter. I really appreciate it. It was very kind of you to cancel your romantic weekend.”
“Don’t mention it. Sue and Reed kind of killed it anyway. And then I, like, choked in front of them.”
“I’m sure you were charming. If they didn’t like you, they’re idiots. Johnny hit the jackpot when you said yes to a date. You were his childhood crush. Even if Reed and Sue didn’t like you, it’s not going to change how he feels. And how could they not like you? You’re the best. You’re a kind, smart, interesting, good looking, funny man. What more could they want for Johnny?”
“Thank you,” said Peter. “And I’m sure that you just got a bumpy start on Match. Good guys are bound to take notice of a catch like you.”
“You have two hundred and twelve new messages from men since Peter uploaded his video,” said Karen. “They all start by assuring you that they are normal. A lot ask about your favorite sci-fi stories. Some ask about your college major. Some talk about their own troubles reintegrating into society after coming back from combat. No one sent you any naked pictures.”
“Jesus Christ,” said Bucky as Peter just laughed.