Chapter Text
Daddy’s Girl: Sometimes, I think moving to the most violent and crime filled city in the United States was maybe a bad idea.
Unhinged Dad: Eh, it’s not that bad.
Randy Knock Off: DID SOMEONE TRY TO MUG YOU AGAIN? 😲
Unhinged Dad: Wait what?
Little One: SOMEONE HAS TRIED TO MUG SAM BEFORE?
Giga Chad: Who would even try to mug Sam I’m 😬
Daddy’s Girl: Yeah it happened once and but I tased him
Unhinged Dad: I would have done worse but good girl
Little One: WHY AM I JUST LEARNING THIS NOW?
Giga Chad: Cause she forgor
Daddy’s Girl: It literally happened like two days ago and it slipped my mind
Little One: SAMMY WHAT THE HELL
Unhinged Dad: Yeah, I’m with Tara here Sam
Daddy’s Girl: I’M SORRY OKAY
Little One: Anything else you want to tell us?!
Unhinged Dad: Has anyone else been bothering you about that stupid fucking conspiracy that’s going around now?
Giga Chad: What conspiracy?
Randy Knock Off: Right you don’t get on reddit but uh well some idiot thinks Sam is behind the murders last year and that she framed Amber and Richie
Giga Chad: WHAT IN THE
Little One: Yeah, it’s ridiculous cause none of these people know Sam none of them were THERE 😡
Daddy’s Girl: Honestly, I think I will just ignore it until it goes away
Unhinged Dad: It’s not going to go away, sweetheart
Daddy’s Girl: It will if I ignore it
Little One: Sam 🙁
Daddy’s Girl: How about we talk about your problems?
Little One: I would prefer not to thanks!
Unhinged Dad: What am I going to do with you two?
Giga Chad: Sometimes I want to ignore my problems until the go away too ngl
Randy Knock Off: How is your leg feeling btw
Giga Chad: Why?
Randy Knock Off: Because I am your loving caring younger twin and I want to know how your pain levels are today Chadwick!
Giga Chad: My pain level is at a 4 right now
Little One: Are you still moving into your dorm? Please tell me you’re not doing it by yourself
Randy Knock Off: He probably is even though we can help him
Unhinged Dad: You kids kill me oh my god
Daddy’s Girl: Chad why are you not moved into your dorm fully yet?
Giga Chad: A problem with my roommate assignment
Randy Knock Off: MAYBE WE SHOULD LIVE TOGETHER CHAD LIKE SAM AND TARA ARE
Little One: Speaking of my sister and I, we finally had someone reply to our anonymous ad
Unhinged Dad: Oh?
Daddy’s Girl: We are currently vetting her, don’t worry, dad.
Daddy’s Girl: Also, Chad, we are helping you move into your dorm
Randy Knock Off: Where are you even staying Chad?
Giga Chad: i am staying in a hotel room the college set up for me
Unhinged Dad: Do you know who your roommate is going to be?
Giga Chad: No, but, I meet him when I move in tomorrow
Randy Knock Off: Then we are definitely helping you move in I don’t trust like that
Giga Chad: We don’t even know who the guy is yet
Randy Knock Off: EXACTLY
Little One: We have trust issues Chad
Giga Chad: Well, Mindy can help me move in so she can interrogate him for me
Randy Knock Off: Excellent choice
Little One: Sam and I are meeting with our new roommate tomorrow so it works out
Unhinged Dad: In a public place?
Daddy’s Girl: Yes, dad, in a public place
Little One: Sam insisted on us doing that
Unhinged Dad: Good also let me know if Gale Weathers starts bothering any of you
Giga Chad: I sure hope Miss Weathers doesn’t bother me
Randy Knock Off: Icb she still wrote a book and is releasing it about the kill spree after saying she wouldn’t
Daddy’s Girl: I don’t even want to know what she wrote in it about me I have read her other books and they’re totally inaccurate most of the time
Little One: You have read her books?
Daddy’s Girl: Our father is featured in at least two of them, so yes
Randy Knock Off: Which is a totally inaccurate portrayal of him If I say so myself
Unhinged Dad: I read the first one and Mindy is right
Giga Chad: I want to read the two with our Uncle in them now
Randy Knock Off: UGH don’t bother just watch Stab 1 and 2
Giga Chad: Don’t really wanna do that now or ever again
Randy Knock Off: Oh 🙁 Not even in a marathon of the first six with me?
Giga Chad: Probably not
Randy Knock Off: This is so sad….Alexa play despacito
Daddy’s Girl: MINDY
Little One: Chad is VALID MINDY WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO STILL WATCH THEM AFTER LIVING THROUGH ONE
Randy Knock Off: I like them STILL WHY AM I BEING ATTACKED
Unhinged Dad: I mean…..I like watching them still
Randy Knock Off: OH? 👀
Daddy’s Girl: Not surprised in the least
Little One: Of course you do dad please never change
Randy Knock Off: SO BILLIARD GETS ME
Unhinged Dad: 🤨
Randy Knock Off: WHAT’S THAT EMOJI FOR
Little One: It’s a funny nickname DAD
Giga Chad: We could call you Billboard instead
Unhinged Dad: No
Randy Knock Off: Then Billiard it is!
Unhinged Dad: Fine
Randy Knock Off: Glad you have accepted your fate
Unhinged Dad: Be glad I like the both of you
Little One: DAD COME ON
Daddy’s Girl: Our father is very selective when it comes to people he likes Tare
Unhinged Dad: Very true
Giga Chad: I am honored to be one of the people you tolerate Mr. Loomis
Randy Knock Off: Same here especially cause you listen to me rant about horror and you don’t usually hate my opinions
Unhinged Dad: You have some good opinions unlike most people
Randy Knock Off: Thank you sir
Little One: Am I one of those people?
Unhinged Dad: Why are you asking that?
Little One: Cause you won’t watch the Babadook with me 🙁
Unhinged Dad: I don’t get elevated horror Tara
Little One: YOU WATCH SILLY VAMPIRE MOVIES WITH SAM
Daddy’s Girl: You act like I have subjected him to the Twilight Saga which I have not
Little One: BUT STILL
Giga Chad: I’ll watch the Babadook with you Tara!!!
Randy Knock Off: Chad………..
Giga Chad: What? I watch random movies I have no interest in with you because I love you
Randy Knock Off: You do and I love you for it but you might get bored with that one is all I am saying
Daddy’s Girl: Yeah Chad you’re very picky with your horror films
Little One: If Chad wants to watch it with me LET HIM at least SOMEONE WILL
Unhinged Dad: I will watch it with you if that will make you happy
Little One: IT WILL
Giga Chad: As long as she has someone to watch it with 🙂
Little One: We should make Sam watch it too
Daddy’s Girl: Wait a minute
Unhinged Dad: That’s a lovely idea actually
Randy Knock Off: Oh father daughter night for you three? LOVE IT
Unhinged Dad: And I just finished setting up my surround sound system and everything
Little One: SAM PLEASE SPEND TIME WITH ME AND OUR DAD you start your job soon and college starts eventually for us as WELL PLEASE 🥺
Unhinged Dad: Yeah, Sam spend time with us
Little One: WE WILL WATCH DRACULA OR SOMETHING TOO
Daddy’s Girl: As long as it is not Stab
Little One: Ofc Stab will not be watched around me do you WANT me to have war flashbacks?
Unhinged Dad: We’re not going to watch Stab Tara I would prefer to watch Carrie or Halloween if we watched something I like
Little One: Okay good we can watch one of those
Daddy’s Girl: CARRIE AND DRACULA
Unhinged Dad: Which Dracula?
Daddy’s Girl: 1979 version
Unhinged Dad: Good choice
Randy Knock Off: Now I WANT TO WATCH HORROR FILMS WITH SOMEONE
Giga Chad: HELLO I AM RIGHT HERE
Randy Knock Off: COOL WE ARE WATCHING STAB 1-6
Giga Chad: Only if we can watch something I like too somehow
Randy Knock Off: You drive a hard bargain, but, I am willing to negotiate
Giga Chad: I want to watch Candyman 1991, Running Man, and Army of Darkness
Randy Knock Off: Why do I keep forgetting Candyman is your favorite horror FILM GOD you actually do have good taste
Giga Chad: Thank you there’s others that I like but those are the ones off the top of my head !!!
Unhinged Dad: Good choices actually
Daddy’s Girl: Candyman 1991 is such a good film holy shit
Little One: I have never watched that one
Giga Chad: WELL THEN we could watch it together one day maybe?
Randy Knock Off: 🤨
Giga Chad: I can’t spend time with one of my best friends????
Little One: Technically, I am your only best friend left
Giga Chad: …..True but you’re also my best friend
Randy Knock Off: EXCUSE ME? Tara is my best friend
Little One: Oh no
Daddy’s Girl: Here we go again
Giga Chad: I met Tara first on the playground WHAT DO YOU MEAN MIRANDA?
Randy Knock Off: AND? SHE LIKES ME BETTER
Giga Chad: NUH UH
Randy Knock Off: YES SHE DOES
Little One: I AM LITERALLY RIGHT HERE READING YOUR GUYS’ WORDS
Unhinged Dad: You four provide such a wonderful distraction from my workday
Daddy’s Girl: Please don’t encourage them dad
Little One: GUYS I LOVE YOU BOTH EQUALLY
Randy Knock Off: NO YOU LOVE ME MORE
Giga Chad: DON’T PUT WORDS IN HER MOUTH
Randy Knock Off: SQUARE UP CHADWICK
Daddy’s Girl: BOTH OF YOU QUIT IT or else 🔪
Giga Chad: Ruh roh.
Randy Knock Off: WELL
Little One: 🫢
Giga Chad: We will stop!!!!
Randy Knock Off: Aye aye captain Tara loves us both equally 🫡
Daddy’s Girl: GOOD
Unhinged Dad: You know…..I should not be the only one subjected to all of this in here
Little One: What’s that supposed to mean, old man?
Unhinged Dad: Oh, you’ll see
Daddy’s Girl: ?
[ Unhinged Dad has added Christina Loomis to the chat ]
Randy Knock Off: OH MY GOD
Giga Chad: OH HI SAM AND TARA’S MOM
Christina Loomis: Billy, what have you added me to?
Unhinged Dad: Hell
Giga Chad: Pure chaos
Randy Knock Off: Excuse me you are not in hell Mr. Loomis
Daddy’s Girl: I was not expected this
Little One: Hi, mama
Christina Loomis: Hi, Tara and is there something wrong with me being in here, Samantha?
Daddy’s Girl: No I wasn’t expected him to add you is all mom
Randy Knock Off: So you can tell who each of us are despite our nicknames Chad has bestowed upon us?
Giga Chad: You’re welcome
Christina Loomis: It isn’t that hard for me to figure it out. Tara is small, Sam is a daddy’s girl, Billy is an unhinged father, Chad is in Chad’s nickname, and your nickname somewhat makes sense but I do not believe you are a knock off of your uncle
Giga Chad: TBH I might change that for her
Randy Knock Off: NO I LIKE IT
Giga Chad: Why not something like Randy 2.0???
Little One: That would be like calling my sister Billy 2.0
Daddy’s Girl: I am Billy 2.0
Christina Loomis: Very true
Unhinged Dad: IS THAT A BAD THING?
Daddy’s Girl: No it’s not ❤️
Giga Chad: Billy 2.0 is a good nickname ACTUALLY
Randy Knock Off: DO NOT CHANGE MINE i am good with it
Christina Loomis: Does this mean I get a silly nickname too?
Giga Chad: Maybe
Randy Knock Off: We will bestow you one eventually
Christina Loomis: Good to know also I love the group chat name
Giga Chad: Yeah, cuz we are the Tara protection squad 💪🏽
Randy Knock Off: A good squad to be a part of
Christina Loomis: Of course
[ Daddy’s Girl has changed their nickname to Billy 2.0 ]
Little One: SAM WHAT
Unhinged Dad: SAMANTHA
Christina Loomis: Well then
Giga Chad: LMFAO SAM YOU’RE SO FUNNY
Randy Knock Off: Queen shit
Billy 2.0: 😇
Christina Loomis: How is New York treating you all btw?
Little One: Sam and I found a roommate finally 🙂
Unhinged Dad: Sam was also almost mugged
Christina Loomis: WHAT?????????
Billy 2.0: Don’t worry I tased him!!! I almost took his knife to teach him a lesson but I didn’t!!!! I was good and maintained self control!!!!
Giga Chad: LMFAO
Randy Knock Off: I support all of Sam’s rights and wrongs
Little One: OFC YOU WANTED TO TAKE HIS KNIFE OMG
Unhinged Dad: Well at least you didn’t steal his knife I guess good job
Christina Loomis: DON’T GOOD JOB HER
Unhinged Dad: I AM DOING POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT SHE COULD HAVE STOLEN HIS KNIFE BUT SHE DIDN’T
Christina Loomis: She has your weird fascination with knives I blame you for THIS WILLIAM
Giga Chad: 🍿
Randy Knock Off: 🍿
Little One: NOT DAD’S GOVERNMENT NAME
Billy 2.0: I didn’t follow through with it okay mama!!!!
Unhinged Dad: I do not have a weird fascination with knives collecting knives is a valid hobby 😤
Billy 2.0: 😶
Little One: I just think mom is concerned because of what you did to Richie
Unhinged Dad: HE DESERVED THAT
Billy 2.0: I don’t want to do that to anyone else tho I am perfectly sane and normal
Randy Knock Off: Sure you are Sammy
Giga Chad: And we still love you for it
Christina Loomis: You couldn’t collect something normal like movie tickets or model airplanes OR JUST SOMETHING NORMAL
Unhinged Dad: I collect movie tickets but I also collect knives
Randy Knock Off: This is so funny
Christina Loomis: Also I am not worried about Sam stabbing anyone else I am just worried about how the public perceives her
Billy 2.0: You know about the conspiracy too?????
Unhinged Dad: Yeah I told her about it
Christina Loomis: I am well aware Sam isn’t a killer but some people obviously aren’t. Those posts make me sick to read
Little One: Yeah me too
Giga Chad: Kind of curious to see this Stab reddit
Billy 2.0: Don’t bother Chad
Unhinged Dad: Yeah it may make you want to fight the users and tell them to kill themselves resulting in you getting banned
Little One: DAD
Billy 2.0: OH MY GOD NOT AGAIN
Randy Knock Off: OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD
Giga Chad: LMFAO MR. LOOMIS PLEASE
Christina Loomis: I am not surprised at all he does that
Unhinged Dad: Well if they’d keep their fucking mouths shut about Sam I wouldn’t tell them to kill themselves
Christina Loomis: Of course Billy of course
Unhinged Dad: Thank you for your support of me defending our daughter from strangers on the internet
Giga Chad: This chat was such a good idea Sam
Billy 2.0: It was and I am glad dad added mom in here
Christina Loomis: I should come up with a nickname
Randy Knock Off: You can’t figure out one we will dw
Little One: Excellent