Chapter Text
Relationship between soukoku became…. awkward… to say the least.
It wasn’t that they had some good relationship to begin with, but… Ever since they became partners, and even before that, all they’d do was argue, make fun of each other and, in Dazai’s case, play pranks on the other. No one would suspect them to be friends, except Mori, Kouyou and Hirotsu, for reasons unknown to the two teenagers. They would never call each other friends, nor admit any feelings for one another other than scorching hatred.
Despite all that, they somehow The ended up being the closest person for each other. Both boys were well aware of this fact, but neither would confess the bond to anyone, including themselves. And they did still argue now, but in the past it was… heated, warm, hot to the touch- the burn almost comforting. But instead of familiar reassuring fire, the burning pain came from frostbites. Everything was so, so cold. Chuuya hated cold, Dazai seemed fine with it. And that made it hurt all the more.
What’s worse is that the redhead doesn’t know how to fix this. He tried to find how exactly he fucked up, what made his partner act this way. Technically he knew…he got too close, but…. that meant there was no way to fix it. Dazai didn’t want their closeness and he would never get it back. It made Chuuya sadder than it was supposed to.
Fortunately for the little redhead someone outside of soukoku also took notice of the chilling atmosphere between them- Mori. That’s why they were currently in the boss’s office. Having just entered it, Chuuya bows, while Dazai disrespectfully plops onto one of the chairs facing Mori. With a sigh, Chuuya sits next to him. “oh, Chuuya-kun, Dazai, you’re just who I needed.”
“You called us here boss-“ Chuuya answers. “yes, indeed. It seems like there’s some…new tension in your relationship.” Dazai frowns. “Don’t see how that’s any of your business.” Chuuya shakes his head, Dazai’s gonna get them both tortured one day. “It is actually. I can’t have our best weapon’s efficiency lowered because of some childish argument.”
Dazai’s pretty much shaking with rage at this point, which is usually Chuuya’s expertise. The demon opens his mouth, probably to protest or to insult Mori- actually it was most definitely both- but the boss is faster. “So, to fix this, I have a gift for you two” His grin is unsettling and it makes the short boy wonder if they’re finally getting a trip to the mafia’s torture chambers.
“You’re going to a ball.” Wait- what? “A ball?” he repeats after the boss, like an idiot that Dazai claims him to be. “Yes Chuuya-kun. I’ve already got you tickets!” Their leader is suddenly grinning like a proud uncle… he hated when Mori did that and his partner did as well. Talking of the brunette, he scoffs. “You really think a ball will fix my problems with Chuuya? I mean I suppose if he dresses up as a pretty lady I might consider it-“ Chuuya is quick to interrupt whatever perverted fantasy Dazai was playing out in his head “AS IF ASSHOLE! I’M NOT DOING IT!” The other half of soukoku grins. “Chuuya’s blushiiiiing” “SHUT UP YOU MACKEREL!” Chuuya jumps up on his chair to yell at the other. Dazai follows the example. “TINY SLUG!” “LANKY-“
“Oh how wonderful! It’s working already” They both turn to Mori, matching horrified looks on their faces. “Now now, you should hurry to Kouyou to get dressed- don’t worry Chuuya, you won’t wear a dress. Unless you want to of course.” Chuuya reddens and Dazai chuckles.
And with that the twin black leave the office, heading to Kouyou’s office. She welcomes the two stoically but that was often her go to behavior whenever the boy started seriously arguing. “Hi anee-san” They both greet. She nods at them, it might seem like a cold uninterested gesture, but it doesn’t feel like it. “There are some clothes in the back, go choose.” She directs them and leaves the boys to their own thing.
It takes quite a while for one of them to break the awkward silence that they fell into and surprisingly it was Dazai. “Do you think I‘d look good in blue?” He asks out of nowhere. “Nah” Liar, Dazai looks good in everything…. Shoo! Begone you treacherous thought! He looks at his own choices. “Don’t even bother asking. You’re going in black and red, it’s almost everything you wear.” Comes from the other boy unexpectedly. “Fuck you, asshole.”
He did ultimately decide for red and black combo though. Concretely a black shirt and red jacket with ruffled sleeves. His pants were also red and decorated by lace with rose pattern. He wore quite high shoes with heels, in brown colour simply to spite Dazai. He comes from behind the changing screen, watching as his partner does the same.
When he sees the other the breath is taken from his lungs; Dazai looks stunning. He, of course, didn’t listen to Chuuya about the blue. Thankfully. His hair is combed to the side, something he does for almost every formal outfit but the redhead can’t get used to. His outfit consists of white shirt, which’s top isn’t button up but tied by strings. He wears a blue vest, all topped off by black jacket. His pants are black and plain but make his long, long legs look damn good. And he’s…. blushing?
“Ch-Chuuya you’re uh, staring-“ Can you blame me you unfairly cute idiot?!? Chuuya blushes back, partially from the sight, partially from his own thoughts. “IT’S CAUSE YOU WORE BLUE! WHY ASK FOR MY OPINION WHEN YOU DON’T RESPECT IT?!”
“To get this kind of reaction of course”
“I hate you!”
“Likewise!”
“I’LL FUCKING PUNCH YOU ASSHOLE-“ The changing screen hitting the ground can be very clearly heard as Chuuya accidentally pushed it in his outburst. Kouyou comes hurling through the door. “Enough fighting you two! I don’t need you bringing the whole place down!”
“sorry anee-san”
“Just go, and control your temper at the ball. And only fight if someone attacks you!” this was not exactly as unnecessary warning as it sounds- Soukoku actually started fights for fun quite frequently. They both nod and bid her farewell, before heading towards a car already waiting for them outside.
Like all cars that were used to drive the pair around, this one had separated back seats from the driver, probably to save the sanity of whoever had the displeasure of sitting behind the wheel. They don’t particularly care, simply climbing in, Dazai from right and Chuuya on the other side, sitting at Dazai’s blind side. A show of trust so ordinary to them that neither saw it as one.
“Chuuya?” The redhead just hums in acknowledgment, half expecting another insult to come out of that annoying mouth. “We should tal-“ Wave of forgotten anger washes over Chuuya. NOW HE WANTS TO TALK?! AFTER LITERALLY CHOKING ME THEN BASICALLY IGNORING ME FOR MULTIPLE WEEKS?! Does he really have to be forced into an apology for literally choking me to the brink of passing out…...? Why? Why does that hurt? “I DON’T FUCKING WANNA TALK!” Chuuya’s anger, though usual surprises them both. There’s very few things that can shock Dazai into silence, but this must be one since he speaks no further. The older doesn’t know whether to feel relieved or disappointed. He kind off feels both. The rest of the ride was spent in suffocating silence.
Once their vehicle came to a stop, Dazai got out without saying a single word, leaving Chuuya behind. The shorter has to run to catch up and it quite pisses him off, which doesn’t go unnoticed by Dazai. “What’s making you pissy now slug? I thought you didn’t want to associate with me today.” He spits out, sounding thoroughly annoyed. Wait, is he…. mad? “I never said that asshole!”
“You said you don’t want to talk to me. Should I take it as you wanting to just stand at my side, looking pretty?” Count to ten Chuuya…. “You know what asshole?! I ain’t fucking playing. Go get me a drink.” Dazai raises an eyebrow at the request, but smiles. “Just because you’re pretty” Chuuya didn’t actually expect him to comply, yet the brunet was already half way to the bar. What the hell… Baffled, Chuuya finds a place to sit.
The young Mafioso returns with a glass of wine, setting it in front of Chuuya. “Bordeaux for the beauty” Chuuya rolls his eyes and reaches for his drink, only to be stopped by Dazai’s long fingers. They hold onto Chuuya’s palm while Dazai lowers his head to kiss the top of his hand. The redhead flinches, hard. He’s confused and scared and as an animal in this this situation would, he bites “WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK DAZAI?! WHO DO YOUI EVEN THINK YOU ARE?! LEAVE ME OUT OF YOUR SHIT YOU FUCKING SOCIOPATH! FIRST BASICALLY TRYING TO KILL ME, THEN IGNORING ME, NOW YOU’RE TRYING TO ROMANCE ME OR WHAT?!” The other remains perfectly calm, keeping his hold on Chuuya’s hand so he doesn’t bring the place down with his ability. “I was trying to be nice to you. I’m trying to un-fuck up!” The ginger actually rips his hand from him, taking a big gulp of the wine. He didn’t have the energy to care about etiquette.
“BY FLIRTING WITH ME?!” Dazai’s face is still the same. “With what else? I tried to talk to you normally!” The older doesn’t know how to feel. He wanted to get their relationship back to normal, he wanted Dazai to try…. but- was this trying? He felt his self-control fray, held together only by a little string. He wanted to forgive Dazai, he thought he did, except–
He felt it all again. The room spinning, colours, sounds all mixing together. The smooth table under his wine was unreachable, he couldn’t feel the chair he was sitting on- was he even still on it? He felt like falling. The taste of wine getting closer to the bile from that night. He couldn’t breathe again, he heard that voice…Dazai’s voice. Only this time it wasn’t spewing vile words into his face but
“Chuu! Breathe, c’mon in….out…again….” He inhales, trying to match his breathing to Dazai’s instructions. Despite this he doesn’t look up, he can’t, too scared of what he’ll see. He hears the taller boy sigh. “Good job…” He doesn’t sound like he means it. His voice is so empty, but again that’s normal for hi- Chuuya’s musing is interrupted by a gentle fingers, holding his chin. Dazai angles his face up, slowly so Chuuya could stop him. He can’t tho, too confused, too curious? Before he can grasp the situation, he’s looking into his tormentor and savior’s soft brown eyes. He’s seen this look before, but it’s not the one connected to all the pain. These are the eyes of the man who promised to show him the stars. “ ’zai, I-“
Dazai’s pupils shrink at that moment and he smirks. “Hold that thought” He tells him, spinning him around so he sees the same. Concretely a man, aiming gun straight at Chuuya’s head. He feels his partner let go of him and step back. Good. Readying his ability, he matches the other’s smirk. The man is clearly an idiot, because he fires regardless. The bullet swishes as it flies through the air, before burrowing itself into skin, flesh and getting stuck in a bone. The shooter falls to the ground, dead.
The gravity manipulator glances over his shoulder, sending Dazai a questioning look. “beehive?” The bandaged boy chuckles. “As if.” When Chuuya keeps looking at him he sighs. “rooster.” Chuuya nods and dusts off. So it was a single guy. He was here for fun and noticed us by accident.
The whole room watches them in silence and the two boys grin at each other. Seconds after they’re bolting out the door, running away. It’s unnecessary, and they’re both aware but the thrill it brings feels good. They only run onto a little hill near the place, before falling in the grass, laughing.
“Chuuya, can we talk now?” Dazai asks, by a miracle not fully breaking the mood. “Yes, yeah you can. But only if you explain.” The taller nods. “That was the plan anyway.”
“It’s a lot though, so get comfortable.” Chuuya nods, laying down. It makes the other smile. “I, I’m sure you’re aware that my mental state, is less than ideal-“
“Duh, I took care of you after your attempts way too many times-“
“Chuuya please just listen. Sometimes it gets too much. And I hate myself, and I hate everyone. And I want them to hate me too.”
“I do hate you tho” Dazai chuckles at that “sure. But it didn’t sound like that at the moment. And you sounded angry, and at that point…”
“I’m sorry for existing. I wanna say. I want to start a fight. Be mean, scream, be toxic, break someone- something precious in my hands. It feels good. Then it feels bad. Then good again, or I don’t know. I want to take a big rusty roofing nail and run it through my wrist, I wanna break all my bones. Add scars, maybe just to cover up the old ones. As if that would get rid of the memories and people.” He sighs. “It’s always the hands I think of harming the first. Why do I hate my hands? Did you know I used to love them once? They were…maybe my favorite part of me. I remember when they made me proud. I destroy everything. I destroy everyone. Maybe one day I will destroy you and then, then there’ll be nothing left to stop me from destroying myself. No-one to shield me from the final damage.”
Chuuya swallows. It’s a lot. And he doesn’t know how to help, isn’t sure there’s a way. But damnit, he’s Nakahara Chuuya and he won’t just give up. “Do you want to- that bad?” Dazai looks up. He doesn’t look particularly bothered right now, despite everything he just told Chuuya. “I don’t know. Sometimes, I don’t wanna die. And it’s just weird. It’s not like it’s a thought anymore, it’s like a whole new feeling. A whole different person. All at the thought of death, or rather, what comes after.”
Chuuya takes a shaky breath, before looking in the same direction as Dazai. “I think if we choose to live, it goes something like this: We’re shown bits of our lives, not all of it, just you know, some ‘trailer’ and we get the choice of having it, going through it, and then dying, having to give it up. Obviously we don’t accept right away, who would gods damn it…. but we grow bored. It’s like, like with a phone. You tell yourself ‘I gotta sleep, I’ll put it down’ and you try, because you actually want to fall asleep. But the process itself is just soo boring and you can’t resist but distract yourself from reality. You know it isn’t good for you but you can’t help but agree.” Only once he finishes his rant does Chuuya notice his partner’s eyes digging into him. Just as he’s about to open his mouth and ask, Dazai spoke.
“That’s quite a deep thought for chibi.” The ginger sighs. “Yeah I guess it is.” There was a bit of awkward silence. “…It was a compliment.”
“Don’t say, could have fooled me.”
“C’mon Chuuya, I’m trying.”
Despite himself, the ginger smiles affectionately. “Okay, just for today. Thank you mackerel.”
“Mhhhm, you’re welcome. Now shut up and look for stars.”
“You mean the clouds?”
“Yeah whatever Chuuya wants to call it.”
“Don’t think you’re off the hook, you still owe me proper stargazing.”
“Define proper stargazing?”
Chuuya looks at his asshole off a partner, who’s face seems perfectly serious. Not to the smaller one though, he could see the way the corner of Dazai’s mouth twitched upwards. He was messing with him, obviously. Not that Chuuya expected anything else. “Oh I don’t know, maybe one where you have stars to watch?!”
“Whatever does Chuuya mean? The stars are right up there.” The younger points at the sky, earing himself a smack. “Yeah, behind a thick layer of clouds. I wanna actually see them.”
“One day we will slug, one day”