Chapter Text
Detective Alex Monroe lay awake in bed, the weight of guilt pressing down on her like an anvil. The clock on her bedside table glowed a soft, eerie blue, its digital numbers seeming to mock her as they slowly crept toward dawn.
Soft rustling of the sheets beside her told her that Audrey was still asleep. Alex let out a sigh, wishing she could find peace in the warmth of her girlfriend's arms. But sleep eluded her, as it so often did these days. She sat up, pushing her tangled hair out of her face, and padded barefoot into the living room.
The familiar scent of whiskey and stale cigarette smoke hung in the air, a testament to the many sleepless nights she had spent there. Without thinking, she reached for the liquor bottle on the coffee table and poured herself a generous shot. She had earned it, she told herself; taking on the fatiguing responsibilities of Head Detective as she had was well-deserving of a celebratory drink.
Celebrate. Alex wasn't sure if the circumstance in which had knighted her this new position was one for celebration. Frank Arden, her, mentor, the man she looked up to, one of the most well-respected detectives in Los Angeles-- was dead. And she, Alex Monroe, was to take his place.
As she sat in the darkened apartment, glass of whiskey in hand, she couldn't help but question if she had truly earned her new title. Her predecessor hadn't yet retired when he passed. He hadn't yet taught her everything she needed to know. And he certainly hadn't told her of his worsening heart condition, the cause of a sudden end to their camaraderie, which Alex was almost certain was somehow her fault. He had been a good man, a great detective, and a father who had lost his son. Alex knew she would never be able to fill his shoes, not completely.
A faint whisper of movement caught her eye, and Alex's heart skipped a beat. She turned to see her forerunner sitting in the chair across from her, a familiar twinkle in his eye and half-smile on his lips. He nodded at the empty bottle on the table. The young detective blinked slowly, unsure of what was real, or just some sort of hallucination brought on by exhaustion and grief. Still, she extended a shaking hand, offering the glass of whiskey she held. Alex watched Frank's eyes grow glossy and distant as he reached for the glass. She tensed as his fingertips brushed against hers, causing the glass to slip from her grasp, shattering onto the floor.
The mirage was ephemeral, disappearing with the darkness as the light turned on. Alex shielded her eyes, not so much to protect them from the light as to protect her girlfriend from seeing the dark puffy circles forming under them.
Audrey, awoken by the sound of breaking glass, shuffled wearily out of the bedroom and switched on the lamp. Rubbing sleep from her eyes, she surveyed the scene before her. The shades were slightly drawn, the artificially lit Los Angeles sky peered into their living room, where Alex had perched on the arm of the sofa, gazing absently at a forming stain of spilt liquor on the rug.
"Alex," Audrey's voice was hoarse with sleep. She stepped across the room and placed her hands on her lover's shoulders, feeling the tense muscle through her pajama shirt. "You okay?"
"No," Alex whispered, barely audible.
"I'm here for you," Audrey wrapped her arms around Alex's neck. "You can talk to me Al."
The room was quiet, except for the faint hum of the refrigerator and the soft ticking of the clock.
Alex sighed and tilted her head back. She couldn't help but smile as Audrey leaned down and kissed her gently, the touch of her lips a welcome distraction from the thoughts swirling in her mind.
"Do you ever wonder how different things would be if you did something differently? How many lives you might've saved if you did things right the first time?"
Audrey was silent, not knowing what to say. "Sometimes," She admitted, slowly rubbing the other woman's shoulders.
Alex nodded. "I think about it every day."
They stayed like that for a while, Alex staring blankly at the chair in front of her as Audrey massaged her shoulders.
The silence was broken only by the distant sounds of the city outside. A siren wailed in the distance, its mournful song echoing in both their ears. Feeling her girlfriend flinch at the sound, Audrey paused her ministries and climbed over the back of the sofa, almost kicking Alex in the face as she moved to sit on her lap. "Sorry," She laughed and brushed her hair out of her face.
"I should clean this up," Alex mumbled, holding Audrey koala-ed onto her as she lifted them from the couch. "Babe, get off."
Audrey, a bit startled by her girlfriend's use of tone towards her, unwrapped her legs from Alex's torso and let her feet onto the floor. She winced at the sting of warm glass piercing her foot. "Got a piece for you," She muttered, looking down at her bare feet amidst shards of broken glass.
Concern cleared Alex's face of any signs of fatigue as she swiftly picked her up. Mindful of the glass, she carried Audrey to the bathroom.
Audrey sat on the edge of the bathtub as Alex knelt before her with the first aid kit. They both winced as Alex tweezed a thick piece of glass from Audrey's heel.
/
"Al? You okay?" Alex must have zoned out. She lifted her head to find Audrey standing in the doorway, her foot bandaged.
"Yeah," Alex replied, forcing a smile. "Just... a little on edge, I guess." It was true. Seeing the blood and the broken glass had triggered something inside her, taking her back to a place she'd been trying her best to avoid.
"I took care of the mess in the living room; it's all cleaned up. Come to bed?"
"Y-Yeah, just give me a minute."
Audrey sighed, hesitant to leave her girlfriend alone on the bathroom floor. She wanted nothing more than to stay by her side, hold her, and never let go. But she retreated to their bedroom, giving Alex the space they both thought she needed.
Curled up under the covers, Audrey tossed and turned, unable to find a comfortable position. The plush blankets and fluffy pillows were a stark contrast to the hard floor and cold tile where Alex still knelt. Why did she leave her there? It had become such a custom for them to suffer separately, and Audrey didn't know how to change the habit.
A small thud drew her attention to the bathroom door, where Alex stood rubbing her elbow. "Ouch," she mumbled and let out a small laugh.
Audrey sat up. "It's not good for you to keep everything bottled up like this, please talk to me Al."
The detective shrugged and climbed into bed, laying down with her back to her concerned partner.
"Alex, honey?" No response.
Audrey exhaled and lay back down. Fighting the deep desire to reach out and take Alex into her arms, she rolled over to her far side of the bed. Before she could close her eyes, strong arms pulled her close, closing the unusually wide gap between the two women.
Audrey smiled and wrapped her arms around Alex, breathing in her earthy scent. "What are you thinking about?" She whispered.
"I can't do this, I- I'm not Frank," Alex sniveled, wiping her face on her pajama sleeve.
"You don't have to be," Audrey assured, gently stroking her hair. "I don't think anyone wants you to. You're not replacing him."
"Well it feels like it," Croaked Alex. "I-I don't wanna talk about this anymore." Alex clung tighter, burying her face in the crook of her girlfriend's neck in an attempt to hide her tears.
As they lay there, Audrey idly traced circles on Alex's back her touch gentle and soothing. After a few minutes, she heard soft snores beside her.
Finally. Getting Alex to sleep was almost as difficult as soothing a newborn baby, it seemed. With Alex resting peacefully in her arms, Audrey stared at the ceiling and pondered on how she would bring this up tomorrow. They'd been avoiding talking about Alex's promotion since she got it. Since Frank died.