Chapter Text
She must have been dreaming.
But even in her dreams she couldn’t have imagined him standing right in front of her as he was right now. She had dreamt it of course, every night for weeks. The dream of him walking through the door and pulling her back into the safety of his arms, the cocoon of his love surrounding her and protecting her. She had let herself get lost in those dreams, believing them to be a possibility. But those dreams had melted away as the weeks turned into months, replaced with ones far harsher and colder. Ones where he didn’t come back to her and she was left alone.
Hailey wanted to scream, yell, hit him, hug him, kiss him and everything in between.
But she did none of it. Her mind short circuited, unable to process the situation in front of her face and she turned away, because looking at him reminded her that he wasn’t hers anymore. She had given him up, pushed him away because the alternative was too painful to allow to happen. She refused to get to a point where he did what she had been worried he would do from the start - cut his losses and run.
So she ran first. Hired a lawyer and filed for divorce, sold their apartment and moved into this dump, took off her ring and refused to open the drawer where it sat accumulating dust. She did what she knew best - protected her heart from anything that would harm it. And that now included him.
No matter how much she still loved him, and seeing him just feet away from her reminded her just how much, she still had to guard her heart. She took a moment to erect the carefully created shields around herself, briefly checking them for weaknesses before turning back around to face the man who had once been her whole world.
‘Jay,’ she said, her voice croaking out in little more than a whisper. ‘What are you doing here?’
It was a simple question but from the look on Jay’s face, it wasn’t one that held a simple answer.
‘I-’ he started to say before taking a deep breath and closing his eyes. ‘I wanted to see you.’
Hailey barked out a harsh laugh, one that she didn’t really mean but the ridiculousness of the situation took a hold and she couldn’t control the noise that erupted from her throat.
‘You wanted to see me,’ she echoed back, not caring how cruel her voice now sounded. It was just another part of her shield, another defence mechanism to keep him at arm's reach, a ploy to keep her safe from more hurt.
‘Kim called,’ he admitted, a sheepish expression shadowing on his face.
‘Burgess needs to mind her own business,’ Hailey muttered under her breath.
‘She’s worried about you,’ Jay continued.
‘So everyone keeps saying!’ Hailey exclaimed. ‘It’s not your duty to be worried anymore Jay, you’re off the hook.’
‘And if I still want to be on the hook,’ he said, his piercing green eyes burning a hole into hers. She had always loved his eyes, they were like a warm hug on a winter's day or the first blossoms in spring. She looked down, not wanting to get sucked back into them.
‘Then you shouldn’t have got on that plane,’ she said, the bitterness sour on her tongue.
‘You have to know how sorry I am for that Hails,’ Jay said, moving his leg to take a step forward before seeming to think better of it and remaining rooted to the spot. ‘I’ll tell you everyday for the rest of our lives if you’ll let me.’
‘The rest of our lives,’ Hailey scoffed. ‘You signed the papers Jay, the rest of our lives are separate entities now.’ The anger she hadn’t felt before, that she didn’t know she had been repressing bubbled up to the surface like a previously dormant volcano erupting for the first time. ‘It doesn’t matter how sorry you are, how much you regret what you did, you still did it. So I did what I had to do.’
‘You filed for divorce,’ he said quietly. She could see that her words were hurting him, that her anger was leaving marks and scars against the freckled skin that she used to know every inch of. She didn’t want to hurt him. Didn’t want her words to be like bullets to him, but he needed to understand just how much he had hurt her.
‘And you signed the papers so clearly-’ she started flippantly but Jay interrupted her, raising his voice just slightly.
‘I signed them because you asked me to Hailey,’ he said. Any other man would have yelled in this situation but Jay never once yelled at her. He knew her past, knew more than anyone else had ever known and as such, yelling at her was something he would never do. ‘You asked, so I did it. I had already broken a promise by leaving you, I did what you asked me not to and walked away. I wasn’t going to go against your word again.’ She watched as a tear rolled down his cheek. ‘You asked me to sign them, so I did.’
Hailey’s words got caught in her throat, like her entire voicebox had been surgically removed.
She had never considered that.
She had asked him to sign the papers.
She made the decision. Made the call.
She knew why she had done it, she’d done it to protect herself.
So she had filed first.
But it had never occurred to her for a single moment that her filing first was jumping the gun, that Jay had never planned to divorce her.
Was she running in a race he had no intentions of ever entering?
‘But,’ she stuttered, shaking her head to try and get her thoughts into some sense of normalcy. ‘You left me.’
Jay’s legs gave out as he collapsed into the couch behind him, Hailey’s words severing what control he had over himself. ‘I know,’ he dropped his head. ‘And if I could take it back.’
‘But you can’t,’ Hailey whispered, letting herself fall into the dining room chair that was just inches behind her. All of her energy was going into not allowing herself to cry in front of the man who just a year before she would have easily cried into his shoulder, using some of that energy to remain standing seemed pointless.
The pair stayed silent, Jay’s head in his hands, Hailey picking at the skin on her edge of her nails until they started to bleed, the little droplet of blood proving to her once again that she was still alive.
‘You didn’t call.’ It was only when Jay raised his head to look at her, his eyes rimmed with red, that she realised she had said the words out loud.
‘I was afraid,’ Jay said honestly. ‘I was a coward, too scared that if I called you you’d tell me I had broken what we had too badly, that we couldn’t fix it. So I stuck my head in the sand and just broke it even more.’
‘It wasn’t too broken,’ Hailey uttered quietly.
‘Wasn’t?’ Jay noted the past tense.
‘I don’t know what it is now,’ she shrugged.
They fell into silence again, both contemplating the idea that the thing they believed could never be broken, their love for each other, lay shattered between them. The broken pieces of a vase too sharp and jagged to be picked up. That if one of them tried, they’d risk even more hurt with no guarantee that the pieces would fit, that they could get back to a place that they were before. A place of love, and trust.
‘I love you,’ Jay said.
‘I just don’t know if it’s enough,’ Hailey admitted. ‘You broke my heart Jay, you promised you wouldn’t and then you did. I don’t know if we can get past that.’
‘Can I ask you a question?’ Jay asked and Hailey nodded. ‘Do you still love me?’
‘I never stopped,’ she said honestly, because it was the truth. She did still love him, no matter the complicated mix of feelings that were swirling away inside of her, the love she felt for him never wavered.
‘Then it’s enough,’ Jay said as if the answer was clear as day in front of them. The sky was blue, grass was green and they loved each other. Simple, clear facts.
‘Jay-’
‘I’m not saying it’ll be easy, I know I hurt you, broke promises that I had every intention of keeping but you must know it was never about you Hailey. I did what I did because I thought I needed to be a better man for you.’
‘Jay you are a good man,’ Hailey said, ignoring the tear that had escaped the defences she had put up and was rolling down her cheek.
‘Not a good enough man to fight for you, for us,’ Jay admitted. ‘But I want to fight for us now, if you’ll let me.’
Hailey let out a shaky breath.
‘If you don’t want me to, if you want me to turn around and walk out this door, I’ll do it. It’ll break whatever part of me is still whole but if you ask I’ll do it. But you’re my wife Hailey, I don’t care what a piece of paper signed by some judge who has never met us said. I love you with everything I have and I want the future we dreamt about, the future where we can live the lives we want without anyone else getting a say. I want the house in the suburbs, the kids playing in the treehouse in the garden and you moaning about PTA committees and HOA meetings that you swore you’d never go to. I want us to grow old together, I want to see your hair turn grey and still get to run my fingers through it every morning. I want waffles on Sundays and cabin trips in the summer. I want it all, but I want you most of all. But if you don’t want that anymore, if you filed for divorce because you didn’t want to be married to me, then I will walk away.’
Hailey stared at him, speechless.
He’d put the ball firmly back in her court, and yet for the first time, she didn’t know what to do.
She didn’t know what she wanted anymore.
She loved him, that much was simple.
But he had hurt her, and as much as she wanted everything he had said, had spent years dreaming about it, she didn’t know if she could risk her heart again.
But something Vanessa had said the day before came floating back to him - ‘I don’t think anyone ever said love was easy.’
She’d tried to protect herself from that for years, had spent most of her time half heartedly committed in relationships knowing that whenever things got close to reaching the point where like turned to love she could end it and move on. Sever the ties and not feel any pain. She’d never let anyone else close to breaking her heart, until Jay came along.
And even then, when he had finally broken through her defences and told her he loved her for the first time, she had run away like a terrified little girl. She had run away this time too.
Things had gotten difficult, things had become messy and hard and painful and instead of letting someone else make the final cut that would let her bleed out, she did it first.
Hurt herself before he could do it.
But the truth was standing in front of her, he was never planning to make that final blow.
She had done the same thing she had always done, planted the bomb and set the timer without seeing if the enemy was ever going to turn up.
‘We can fix broken,’ Hailey said quietly, Vanessa’s words spilling easily from her lips.
‘What?’ Jay asked.
‘We can fix broken,’ she repeated looking up at him and finally seeing him clearly for the first time since he had walked through her door.
They had both made mistakes, he had left her alone and when he realised he had made a mistake, was too scared of her reaction to admit to it, she had given up, pulled the plug too early and without giving him a chance to fight for them.
And she wanted him to.
Hell, of course she wanted him to.
That’s what she’d wanted all along, and now he was standing in front of her telling her everything she had spent months wanting to hear. She could choose to draw a line in the sand and refuse to back down, to live her life alone, a piece of her heart always belonging to him, or she could believe him. She could let him fight for them, for their future, for her. And she could fight too.
It would be a risk, an extreme risk, to take down her walls brick by brick and let him in again. She could get hurt again, they could fight and they could lose. They could realise that what they had wasn’t worth fighting for, but they could not. They could come out the other side stronger and tougher and more certain that togetherness was the thing they wanted the most.
And she could be brave.
She could risk her heart again.
Because to risk it being broken again might allow it to heal.
‘We can fix broken,’ Jay echoed back to her and tugging at the corners of his cheeks she saw the smile that she loved, the same smile she had fallen in love with.
The same smile she was still in love with.
He knew it might be crossing a line but he didn’t care, he hadn’t held her in his arms for months and he missed her. He missed them.
‘Can I hug you?’ Jay asked softly, risking just a toe across the line but her small smile in response was enough to know that they were over that line together.
She nodded and he stood, moving slowly towards her, still hesitant in his steps even with her permission. Hailey looked unsure too, the questions dancing across her face: should she stand, remain seated? Jay wasn't going to push her but he hoped she would stand, he wanted to feel as much of her as he could.
Hailey finally seemed to come to the conclusion that standing would be better, so pushed herself up off the chair. Jay opened his arms and let her close the gap between them. She was in charge here, it was her game and her rules.
Hailey was tentative, like a fawn on new legs but she made the final step into his body and slid her arms around his waist, pressing their chests together. Jay wrapped his own arms around her body but instead of the familiar feeling of his wife’s body in his arms, he was greeted with something else.
He hadn’t noticed when he had walked into the apartment, the baggy sweats had covered anything that would have raised a flag. Of course her face had been a little more drawn, her cheekbones more noticeable but he had assumed that was lack of sleep, heaven knows he had looked better than he did right now. But this was more than that. Hailey was significantly slimmer than she had been when they had last been in this position. She had always been slim, petite, he could pick her up with one arm and throw her onto the bed without too much of an issue, but this made his eyebrows crinkle with worry.
Jay felt her burrow her face into his neck and he let his cheek fall onto her head, cradling her close and breathing in her familiar scent, the t-shirt of hers he had packed had lost its smell after a couple of weeks. He still slept with it every night, smell or no smell, it was a piece of Hailey. As he tightened his arms around her as he had always done, a way to let her know she was safe with him, he heard a sharp intake of breath.
Not a breath of joy, of relief, of remembering a happy memory.
A breath of pain.
Jay pulled back quickly, gently gripping both of Hailey’s forearms as his eyes scanned over her body looking for any obvious injury, a clear reason for her response.
When he couldn’t find anything his eyes stopped on her face and for once in his life, he couldn’t read her expression. As partners they had been able to have entire conversations through eye contact alone, that hadn’t changed when they had taken the plunge and began their romantic relationship. Vanessa used to call it ‘eye fucking’ but it was like they could see into each other’s souls and knew exactly what the other was thinking without needing to utter a word.
But now, he needed Hailey to utter something.
‘Hails?’ He asked, the nickname slipping through his lips. ‘What’s wrong?’
Hailey pulled her bottom lip between her teeth and nibbled, her eyebrows furrowing, the internal debate that was occurring painted obviously across her face.
‘Please tell me,’ Jay asked, his concern spiking. What was going on that she couldn’t tell him about? Had she been hurt on the job? Did something happen with an offender or a victim?
‘Okay,’ she said, her voice quiet. ‘But know I am already speaking to Dr Charles and I know…’ she seemed to struggle to find the right words. ‘I know,’ she repeated, hoping that it would drive home the point. Jay didn’t know what the point was and he was both keen to find out but also apprehensive.
Hailey reached for the hem of her heather grey sweatshirt and tugged it up and over her head in a slow and deliberate movement.
Jay’s eyes widened and his blood pressure spiked. Her skin, her beautiful smooth skin was littered with bruises, some old, some new, some clearly in the shape of hands, some that looked hideously like fists. He could see her ribs poking out underneath the purple and yellow markings.
‘Hailey,’ he breathed, his fingers twitching at his side as he longed to reach out to her, to hug her, hold her, kiss every bruise and every mark and to cover her with his love. But he hesitated, he didn’t know if she wanted that, for him to drop to his knees and comfort her, was it still his place?
‘What happened?’ He asked, his eyes still making a mental catalogue of all her injuries.
‘Fights,’ she shrugged as if she didn’t have marks on her body that would have made Will order a series of scans to check for internal injuries. ‘I was trying to prove I was still alive,’ she added, so quietly if the apartment hadn’t been thick with silence he would never have heard it.
Jay remembered what Kim had said, that Hailey needed saving from herself. He had thought she had only meant it figuratively, talking in metaphors and what ifs, but maybe she had meant it literally. He had tried to keep his composure, to keep his head on an even keel but seeing her bruised and hurt chipped off a piece inside of him. His legs buckled underneath him and he dropped to his knees in front of her, the pain in his heart almost too much to bear.
Hailey stepped towards him and knelt in front of him so they were almost eye to eye despite their difference in height. Their chests were touching once again, her bra and his pullover the only barrier to them being skin to skin but the moment was far from sexual.
It was raw, it was painful but it was honest.
‘I’m getting help,’ she said, reaching out to cradle his face, her thumb caressing his cheek. ‘I made some poor decisions, but I made them,’ she said in an obvious attempt to release him of his guilt. Because he knew she could read it clear as day on his face, that he believed he was the cause of this.
‘I shut myself down,’ she admitted, ‘in an attempt not to feel the hurt and then stopped feeling anything. But I guess along the way the hurt stopped just being about what was in my head, and became physical.’
‘On the job?’ He asked, his shaky hands finding a position on her waist but he kept his touch gentle, delicate.
She shook her head.
‘But you got them checked out?’ Jay knew the answer before he asked it when Hailey shook her head again.
‘Will you?’ He asked gently, silently pleading with his eyes.
‘After I see Dr Charles, I can go down and see if Maggie can get someone to take a look,’ she offered.
‘Thank you,’ he murmured, letting his head drop to her shoulder. ‘Thank you,’ he murmured against her skin, letting himself get lost in the sensation of her fingers playing with the hair at the base of his skull; she always did like to run her fingers through his hair. The feeling was mutual.
‘Will you come with me?’ She asked after a moment, her voice distorted by how her face was still pressed closely against his skin.
‘To see Dr Charles?’ He clarified, and when he felt her nod against his skin he added, ‘of course.’
‘I don’t know if I want you in the room,’ she said, not pulling back to look at him, instead her fingers pressing more firmly into his skin. Clearly this conversation was easier to have not face to face, he wasn’t going to force her to have it any other way. ‘I might just want you outside the room but if I could have the option to…’
‘I’ll follow you anywhere, Hailey,’ Jay said, his words an echo from their past. He had meant them then and he meant them again now. ‘If you just want me to drive you and wait, then that’s exactly what I’ll do. I made the mistake of walking down a path alone before, I’m not going to do it again.’
He felt her relax against him just slightly at his words, like she needed him to be there for her but to not push her.
‘Do you think I should go to therapy?’ He asked her curiously. He had been to therapy before, multiple times. Sometimes it had been mandated but one time, she had pushed him into it, pushed him to take it seriously and not just go through the motions. And he had thanked her, it had genuinely helped and maybe it could help again.
‘I think I can’t make that decision for you,’ she said, pulling back slightly so their noses were only inches apart, the blue of her eyes shining bright with the remnants of tears that he hadn’t noticed had dropped onto his skin. ‘But I will support you if you want to.’
‘I want to be the best me,’ Jay said. ‘I think I didn’t realise how fucked up I was until I took a step back and looked at it from the outside. I want our future together and I won’t be the loose screw that could cause it all to come crashing down.’
‘We could get Dr Charles to recommend someone,’ Hailey suggested gently. ‘Probably best we don’t see the same person.’
She was right, she was usually right.
‘Should we go to one together too?’ He offered. Jay wasn’t sure how much he believed in couples counselling but he’d move mountains if it meant healing their relationship. He knew now, no matter how much he had tried to fight it initially, that individual therapy worked, but couples? He still wasn’t sold, but if Hailey wanted them to try it, he’d sign up tomorrow.
‘One step at a time,’ Hailey said with a smile, the hint of her dimple a shadow on her cheeks. He loved that dimple, his dreams were often filled with blonde haired blue eyed children who shared their mothers dimple.
‘What’s step one?’ Jay asked, threading his fingers together and letting them rest on the base of Hailey’s spine, the atmosphere lighter than it had been since he had walked through the door.
‘A date,’ she said and he saw a glint of the old Hailey in her smile.
‘A date?’ He repeated, raising an eyebrow questioningly.
‘A date,’ she nodded.
‘Like one out in public, where I hold your hand and we share an over priced meal? And we are just two people in love, not two people who have been through hell.’
‘Just like that,’ Hailey said and Jay couldn’t resist pulling her closer although they were already chest to chest.
‘A proper couple,’ Jay said.
‘I still have my ring you know,’ Hailey said quietly, dropping her eyes from his. He hadn’t seen her clock the black band on his finger when he had entered but he should have guessed she would. She was an elite detective at the end of the day, trying to get anything past her was a fruitless endeavour.
‘Oh?’
‘I’m just not sure I can put it back on yet,’ she said and the strap that had fixed itself around Jay’s heart at her mention of her ring tightened.
‘But I want to,’ Hailey said and the strap loosened just slightly.
‘I want you to feel comfortable,’ Jay said warmly, ‘I won’t rush you or pressure you. I’m wearing mine for me, you wear yours for you. Whenever you’re ready.’
Hailey leant towards him and he thought for a second she was going to kiss him but she rested her forehead against his instead. He couldn't lie and say he wasn’t disappointed but he also meant what he had said, he wanted her to feel comfortable. He’d kiss her again when he was certain it was what she wanted, he didn’t care how long it took.
‘So a date,’ she said, her warm breath fanning across his face at their proximity.
‘I’ll come and pick you up at 7.’
‘You’re leaving?’ She said, pulling back, shock on her face.
‘Do you want me to stay?’ He asked, once again placing the ball firmly at her feet. He had assumed she would want some space after their conversation.
‘I think so,’ she mumbled.
‘Then I’ll stay,’ Jay said clearly, a warmth spreading through his chest at the thought that she still wanted him in her space even when they had been so vulnerable with each other. ‘But if you want me to go, just say the words.’
‘I don’t think I’ll ever say them,’ Hailey responded.
‘And that would make me incredibly happy but the option is yours Hailey.’ He took a second to look at her, thankful that she was giving him the opportunity to do it again.
‘Now we should probably let Vanessa in, or your neighbours might call the cops on her loitering in the hallway,’ he chuckled and Hailey did too.
‘I need to call Kim,’ she said, reaching behind her to where her sweater lay in a heap on the floor, tugging it on back over her head.
‘Kim?’
‘To thank her,’ Hailey said, a little bashfully. ‘I was rude and pushed her away. She was just doing what she thought was right, and it was. She was on my side even when I had abandoned myself.’
‘I’ll get Vanessa and you phone Kim, and then it’s a date,’ Jay said, pushing himself up onto his feet.
‘Jay,’ Hailey said as he started to walk towards the door.
‘Yes?’ He turned around.
‘I love you.’
It was the first time she had said those words to him since he had arrived and it felt like hearing them again for the first time. Like the first drink of water after a long drought, or a rainbow on a cloudy day. He hadn’t been sure she would say them again, or that he even deserved them but she had granted him the biggest gift.
‘I love you too,’ he said, smiling and heading towards the door.
Their path might not be smooth, they might both be a little bit broken but broken can be fixed, if they both wanted it to be. And that was the one thing they were both certain of, that they wanted to fix it. They would get through this, through their struggles, their mistakes and their missteps, together.