Archive of Our Own ^beta

Nikolai stared into the fire as he absently sketched a new dress design for his niece. The trial today had taken a lot out of everyone , and he had to admit Dazai’s idea of calming Chuuya down enough for Oroitz to access his memories had been brilliant. Although, the idea that they had clearly been talking about babies so much was a surprise. Especially when no children had been born in the Heavenly Realm since Kyouka. 

"I can feel you ruminating from across the castle, Kolya. Is something bothering you about the trial earlier?" Fyodor asked as he walked into his consort’s favorite sitting room and wrapped his arms around Nikolai. Belladonna was gone, which he personally couldn't be happier about. 

Nikolai leaned into Fyodor's arms with a soft sigh. "I'm just thinking is all. There's nothing bothering me. I would call it reflecting."

And it was the truth. He was just thinking. That was never a good thing, according to several mental health professionals and multiple family members, but he thought nonetheless. He just couldn't get it out of his head. The idea that Chuuya and Dazai were planning far off, theoretical children was absurd! They had three children already! Five kids was a lot, he thought personally, despite the fact that he was a member of a five kid household.

Fyodor hummed indulgently. "What are you reflecting on then? It's taking up much of your mind. You've hardly even thought about this dress you're designing."

Nikolai chewed on his bottom lip. "Zai and ChuChu. It was… interesting, to distract ChuChu from his anger that way. I mean, two babies? Five kids? That's a lot. And to even be thinking of that now?"

Fyodor nodded his head. "Personally, I think one kid is a lot. I couldn't imagine having five. I'll never understand how your guardians did it. Though you aren't wrong about planning the children now. It's early, to say the least, and not even possible."

Nikolai held back a frown. "Kids are a lot, yeah. Before Atsushi, Ryu, and Gin, I couldn't imagine being around kids so much. Much less that many."

His nephews and niece had changed his perspective on a lot of things when it came to children. He was more comfortable with kids now thanks to them, and he knew kids could like him, which was a plus. They had eliminated the aversion he'd carried with him from a young age and left him, quite honestly, confused.

Fyodor smiled softly. “Not even Kira?” His cousin had adored Nikolai.

Nikolai smiled faintly at the reminder of Kira. “Well, Kira was an exception. She was more like a little sister and didn’t quite fall in the kids category to me as odd as that sounds. As for imagining having five, I couldn’t imagine it either. Three seems like a lot.”

Fyodor nodded, violet eyes calm as he moved around to sit on the couch, pulling Nikolai into his lap. “Three is a lot, but it seems to work for them. Zai has been managing them far longer than he should have, but he adores them.”

Nikolai laughed softly. “ChuChu adores them too. He was shoving pictures of them in everyone’s faces as soon as he got pictures of them the first time.”

Nikolai hummed as he studied the portrait in his brother’s office. “They’re beautiful ChuChu. When did you get this portrait?” This was new, but it was clearly an enlarged version of the sketch Dazai made during the trial. The same two little girls, although now one had Chuuya’s hair and eyes while the other had Dazai’s hair and eyes. Both had a smattering of freckles like his brother though.

Chuuya smiled proudly, blue eyes glowing softly as he looked at his portrait. “Osamu made it for me while waiting for me to get back from dealing with Leviathan.”

"Is it for sure then? These are the little girls you'll have once Ryu lifts his younger sibling ban?" Nikolai asked, gently running his fingers over the freckles of one of the little girls.

Chuuya nodded his head. "Yeah, they are. Osamu and I haven't sat down and had a fully fledged conversation about them yet, seeing as it's a long ways away still, but we're both already attached to these two."

Nikolai sighed as he plopped down on the couch in Chuuya’s office. "You better give me a heads up before you get knocked up. I'll need to start early on baby clothes with two of them."

Chuuya laughed and threw a pen at his brother, rolling his eyes when it went through a yellow and gold swirling portal. No doubt that just dropped on Sigma's head. "You'll be the first to know. How do you feel about Osamu and I having babies? It won't stop me, but I want to limit your discomfort as much as possible. Babies have never been your thing."

Nikolai pursed his lips. "I think five kids is a lot, and two babies at the same time is a lot, but I'm not uncomfortable with the idea of carrying around two niece."

Chuuya blinked in surprise. "You're not uncomfortable? Or scared? Or fighting the desire to stay as far away as possible?"

Nikolai shrugged his shoulders. "Not really. I mean, I was around Kyouka and Elise as babies, and that helped a lot. I started visiting Althea more after you got your kids, too, and I've worked through some things thanks to her and just exposure."

Chuuya smiled brightly at his brother. "That's great, Niki! I'd have hated for my daughters to not get to know you until they're older, even if I'd have lived with it."

Nikolai fell silent for a moment, picking imaginary lint off Chuuya’s couch pillow. "Hey, ChuChu, can I ask you something?"

Chuuya tilted his head curiously. "You always ask me, even if I say no. Shoot, Niki. What's up?"

Nikolai frowned down at the pillow in his lap. "How did you know you wanted to have kids?"

Chuuya hummed. "My three or these two?" He gestured towards his future daughters. 

Nikolai smiled faintly. "Both, I guess? I know there wasn't as much choice with your three because they were a package deal with Zai, but you seemed to take to them fast."

Chuuya nodded in understanding. "Fair. I guess it just happened with them. The minute I saw their pictures, I sort of decided I wanted them in my life to a degree. I wanted pictures of them as much as I wanted pictures of Osamu. When I met them for the first time, I knew they were meant to be my kids."

Nikolai nodded as he absorbed the information. "Sort of like our parents always say happened when they saw Siggy, Hira, and me?"

Chuuya nodded. "Exactly like that. I just knew. They said they just knew the moment they saw you. Which is pretty powerful, because Kyo and I were sculpted into their image of a perfect kid, but the moment they saw each of you, they were overcome by love and the recognition that you were meant to be their child. It happened with Mori and Fukuzawa concerning Osamu, too. They just knew."

Nikolai pondered that for a few moments before silently pointing to the portrait of the two babies on his brother's wall.

Chuuya glanced up and smiled. "That started right before the trial. Gin was fed up with her brothers and burst into my office, demanding we give her a little sister."

Nikolai smiled faintly. "I don't blame her. I couldn't imagine being the only girl in a house full of boys."

Chuuya laughed softly, shaking his head in amusement. "She loves it. Don't let her fool you. She's got plenty of women in her life with her aunts and grandmother, but at the end of the day she still gets to be the spoiled princess of our family. Her desire for a younger sister was a shock because of that. Ryu put a swift end to that dream for at least a few years, though."

Nikolai let his eyes drift back to his brother. "But how did you know it was a dream of Gin’s you were willing to indulge? You're not just planning kids because she demanded it."

Chuuya thought about his answer for a moment. "I guess it's because the idea filled me with this floaty kind of feeling? Sure, I was shocked speechless at first, but when I gave it some thought, the idea of having a baby, or two, just made me happy. It made my chest feel light and I couldn't help but smile. Especially when Osamu admitted he liked the idea as well. He said he’d been thinking about it off and on before Gin brought it up.”

Nikolai furrowed his eyes. "You aren't nervous? Or scared?"

Chuuya threw his head back and laughed. "Of course I am! If I wasn't nervous to have babies then I shouldn't be a parent. It's a sign that I really care and I want to be the best I can for them. At least, that's the way I think about it. What's brought all this on? Did Fyodor mention wanting kids?"

Nikolai shook his head. "No, no, nothing like that. I'm just curious is all. You've changed so much when it comes to kids. You can't blame me for wanting answers. I was worried I might have switched around your personality!" 

He redirected the conversation quickly to get it away from the subject of himself. To be honest, he wasn't exactly sure why he was so interested. Well, maybe that wasn't entirely true. Part of him, buried deep down, was a tiny, tiny bit interested in the idea of having kids, but he wasn't sure. He was too confused at the moment. There were too many different emotions swirling around in his chest and thoughts bombarding his head. Telling Chuuya would make that budding desire real, something he couldn't just ignore, and he wasn't ready for that .

Althea smiled warmly as Nikolai poked his head into her office. “Niki, what can I do for you?” She was more than happy for a distraction, especially with everything that had happened. Because of Leviathan and her pregnancy, she was only in her office three days a week now, but her patients knew they could reach her if they needed her. Nikolai was a very pleasant surprise.

Nikolai smiled weakly at Althea. “My head’s been in a jumble ever since Belladonna’s trial and the way Zai calmed ChuChu down enough for Oroitz to access his memories. I’ve talked with him some, but I’m still in a jumble and was hoping I could schedule a session or two with you to sort of figure out why.”

Althea nodded as she waved to the seat in front of her. “Come take a seat and we can chat now or we can schedule you for a couple of sessions if you’re not quite ready to talk yet. Would that work?”

Nikolai walked into her office and sat down. “I think maybe I’ll talk a little and then we can schedule a session or two?” He had come to appreciate Althea and the way she ran her sessions. Much like Sigma, she was there when he needed to talk, otherwise she was just a regular goddess that was semi-connected to his family.

Althea waved her hand, causing the door to close so they had privacy. “I’m guessing it’s something to do with Dazai and Chuuya and their twin girls they’ve created for one day in the far future?”

Nikolai's eyes widened. "How did you know that!?" It never failed to astound him how observant Althea was.

Althea smiled faintly. "Because I'm aware of how Dazai calmed Chuuya down, and I know children have always been a complicated topic for you."

Nikolai sighed, sinking down into his armchair. "I just… ugh, I don't know. Things are just really different now than they used to be for me. I love hanging out with ChuChu's kids, and of course Kyouka and Elise. I don't even think I'd hate seeing my baby nieces when they're born. What's wrong with me!?"

Althea laughed softly at his dramatics. "There's nothing wrong with you. Circumstances have changed, and you've healed and grown a lot over the years, Nikolai. It's only natural for some of your views and feelings to change as you do."

Nikolai toyed with his braid. "It's not like I want a kid or anything," or did he? He wasn't so sure. "but I'm confused."

Althea watched Nikolai silently for a moment. "Nikolai, you're allowed to be interested in the idea of having a child. If you want to think about having a baby, considering it in a real or purely fictional sense, that's completely okay. You don't have to want a baby now, you're still incredibly young and you have ages ahead of you, but I implore you to not close yourself off to the idea of children just because you don't feel ready now or you're unsure. Thinking about such things is the only way to become sure. Just because you've said you don't want kids before doesn't mean you can't change your mind and consider such a thing or even make it happen. Arahabaki is a perfect example of that."

Nikolai bit his lip as he looked at her. "I can change my mind?"

Althea nodded her head. "Yes, you can. After all, you changed your mind about having a consort. Arahabaki changed his mind about a consort and kids, and that's okay. You're allowed to change your mind and consider wanting a child, even if nothing ever comes off it. You opened your mind to it, that's the important part."

Nikolai nodded slowly. "You said it could remain completely fictional. What would that entail?"

Althea smiled gently. "Well, there are two ways you can go about it. One is the child remains completely in your head, just an idea. Kind of like writing a story. The other is picking a human infant and just watching it grow up. You wouldn't interact with the child, not really, but it would be easier to envision what goes into raising a child."

"So altering the parents personalities occasionally, like a doll or pretending the family are dolls as I watch them raise the kid?"

Althea pursed her lips together. "Not exactly. I meant more in the sense of a documentary or a tv show. You'd be able to see what it's like to raise a child and envision yourself in the parents’ shoes. It's a good way to see if you'd be interested in having a child for real. In our minds, we often experience an idealized version of things."

Nikolai hummed in thought. "So, if I wanted the idea of having a kid to be something purely hypothetical that I would never persue, I can think about it. Come up with scenarios in my head and whatever. But if I think one day I'd want to make the fantasy a reality and have a kid, I should watch a human family?"

Althea nodded her head. "That's exactly what I'm saying. You don't have to make a decision on it now, but it's something to ponder."

Nikolai looked down at his lap. "I don't mind the idea of having a kid. Part of me is… intrigued, for a lack of better term. This probably seems so silly to you."

Althea smiled softly and shook her head. "No, I don't think it's silly. I'd always known I wanted to be a mother, yes, but Kifu was very hesitant about having children. He was incredibly similar to you in that respect. I understand how difficult this is for you."

Nikolai sighed softly. "He had you to talk to though, didn't he? I really don't want to bring this up to anyone but you. I feel like I'll have to carry the weight of people's expectations then, and I don't want that. I'm not at a place where I feel comfortable talking to people in my personal life about this."

Althea lightly furrowed her eyebrows. "Kifu did have me, yes. Nikolai, are you saying you don't want to mention this to Fyodor? It's a big deal for your relationship as much as it's a big deal for you personally."

Nikolai huffed, one of his legs bouncing. "It's not like I'll never tell him. I just want to be certain about my thoughts before I bring it up. Dos-kun isn't exactly a kid person either, and I'd rather not stress him if I ultimately decide I don't want a kid."

Althea nodded slowly. "That's fair, but when you say he's not a kid person, I think you need to remember that some kids he's okay with. What about Kira?"

Nikolai winced at the reminder of the Kira. He missed her on occasion and knew that his consort did as well. "She was different. She was practically his little sister," he protested quietly. 

Althea smiled gently. "Yes, and Dazai’s his little brother, too. He's fond of Ryu, Gin, and Atsushi. As well as Kyouka and Elise, no?"

Nikolai nodded slowly. "Yes, Gin and Kyouka are undeniably his favorites, followed by Elise and Ryu. He likes Sushi, not necessarily least, but he's not as close to him."

Althea hummed softly, satisfied that she had proven her point without pushing it. "So in your hypothetical, if you were to have a baby, what would you want? A boy or a girl?"

"A girl." Nikolai answered automatically before his eyes widened. That had just popped out, but the more he considered it, the more he liked it. "A girl. I'm more comfortable with little girls, and I've had more practice with them."

Althea smiled encouragingly at Nikolai. "Every little girl I've met is incredibly fond of you."

Nikolai rubbed the back of his neck, an awkward, almost shy smile on his lips. "Well, I do make them pretty dresses. That counts for something."

Althea shook her head. "It goes beyond that, Nikolai. For all your fear, you really are quite good with children. You have a way with them."

Nikolai shrugged his shoulders. "I just try to think about how I wish I'd have been treated as a kid. Even if kids freak me out sometimes, I never want to freak them out, you know?"

Althea nodded her head. "I understand, yes. This little girl of yours, what would she look like? Would she like you to make her dresses?"

Nikolai hummed. "I think ideally she'd have Dos-kun's aristocratic features, but maybe my hair? Yes, she would love to dress up more than anything. I think hats are her favorite accessory."

Althea nodded, not pushing for more details on features. Those could be fleshed out later. What he had was enough for now. "I can see hats being popular. Will she like frilly dresses or maybe something more simple?"

Unbeknownst to Nikolai, a dreamy smile was starting to form on his face. "She likes dresses she can dance and twirl in. Frills aren't her favorite, but she'll put up with them if she thinks they make me happy."

Althea watched Nikolai with a softness in her eyes, silently encouraging him and showing how proud she was. "Does she like to dance?"

Nikolai nodded his head. "I think she would. I enjoy dancing, nothing formal, and I'd do it a lot with her when she's little, so I think she'd have fun. Dos-kun would dance with her more formally if she wishes. I think he'd be a real pushover when it comes to her."

Althea hummed her acknowledgment. "Yeah? Why would he be so indulgent to her?"

Nikolai smiled softly as he thought about his consort, who really wasn't as cold-hearted as he liked to pretend to be. "Because he has a hard time saying no to the people he loves. From the moment she was born he'd be wrapped around her little finger. I think he'd only be even more indulgent as she got older and started taking after him more. Her favorite hat would be an ushanka."

"She wouldn't take after you?" Althea asked, trying to keep her question gentle.

Nikolai shook his head immediately. "No, never after me."

Althea nodded her head. "Not even your taste in fashion? Taking after you doesn't have to mean what you think it does Nikolai. She can be a healthy mix. For example, she could have Fyodor's brains, your intuition. She could have Fyodor's poise and calm mask for the public but have your overwhelming love for her family. She could be a cutthroat businesswoman who also designs her own fashions."

Nikolai hummed, seeing what Althea was getting at with what she meant by taking after him now. "That…. doesn't sound horrible." He admitted. "She definitely needs my fashion sense, you're right there."

Althea laughed softly. "Yes, our consorts are rather helpless. Kifu was walking around with the most horrid beard when we first met, and his excuse for not getting rid of it was the humans wouldn't trust him without it." 

She had found that sharing stories of her childhood or stories of Kifu after Nikolai had admitted something about himself helped take the pressure off and the panic that he would immediately have to delve into or accept it. All that mattered was he was aware of it. Like Sigma, he would hold it close and mull it over until he was ready to talk about it.

Nikolai wrinkled his nose. "Somehow I think that rings false. Did you call him out on that excuse?"

Althea nodded her head. "Of course I did. Needless to say, it was gone soon after."

Nikolai laughed softly. "If Dos-kun ever tried to grow a beard, I'd have to stab him. It would be the most horrible fashion statement he's ever made!"

Althea smiled. "Would your hypothetical daughter like him with a beard?"

Nikolai shook his head immediately. "Absolutely not! It would be too scratchy and horrible, and it would clash with his ushanka! She would yank at it as a baby to tell him to get rid of it!"

Althea smiled. "A wise little girl. I approve of her taste."

Nikolai nodded with a proud grin, unsure why the compliment pleased him so much when this little girl was completely hypothetical. "Yes, she has very good tastes. I think her best friends are ChuChu and Zai's little girls," he murmured after a moment. 

Althea nodded. "Always good to have friends or partners in crime, depending on what the day calls for. Once I actually started getting along with my cousins, we used Kifu's castle as our hideout. Naashia was always our scapegoat, because no would believe she had anything to do with it."

Nikolai tilted his head. "Can't she only tell the truth?" Zand was a little more flexible, from his understanding, but with Naashia, everyone expected truth to only be able to tell the truth.

Althea smiled. "After puberty, yes, before puberty she could lie with the best of them." No one needed to know that Naashia could still twist the truth to suit her as needed and occasionally lie. That was a secret that only Naashia, Oroitz, Zand, Kifu, and Althea herself knew. 

Nikolai hummed and absorbed the info before grinning. "So she was your get out of jail free card."

Althea smiled. "Yes, she was. She worked every time, too. Would your daughter like getting into mischief or playing games with her cousins?"

Nikolai smiled softly. "Not as often as I did. I think she'd be more like Dos-kun. She'll enjoy reading and her quiet time, but she definitely wouldn't say no to the occasional video game with her cousins."

Althea nodded her head. "It sounds like you've thought about her a lot."

Nikolai blinked, taken aback. "Not really? I've been mulling over my thoughts on kids for a while, but this is mostly off the top of my head. I've always refused to give too much thought into a kid of my own."

Althea gestured for Nikolai to continue. "And now that you have given her ample thought? I think, unconsciously, you've been creating her in your mind’s eye for quite some time, noticing little traits other children or people have that you'd like her to have."

Nikolai bit his bottom lip. "Now that I've given her some thought, my chest hurts. Why does my chest hurt?"

Althea smiled faintly, reaching over to gently squeeze Nikolai's hand. "Longing. The heart wants what it wants, even if our brain hasn't always caught up yet."

Nikolai sighed. "It hurts," he murmured. "I want her."

Althea nodded her head. "Of course you do. Do you want to keep going or would you like to think over everything and come back in a few days?"

Nikolai wrapped his free arm around his stomach. "I think I want to come back in a few days. It's too much now," he muttered. 

Althea smiled gently. "Of course. Do you want to come on Thursday or next Monday?"

"I think next Monday. Thank you Althea. I'll see you next Monday afternoon." Nikolai responded as he got up and headed towards the door. 

"I'll see you then, Nikolai." Althea responded as she watched him go, a hand cradling her own swelling belly, heart hurting for Nikolai . 

Nikolai walked into his consort’s study and smiled at the sight of Fyodor reading. It was one of his consort’s favorite pastimes. 

Fyodor glanced up from his book and smiled faintly. "Did you need something Kolya? A clothes dummy perhaps?" He teased gently. 

Nikolai shook his head. "Nope! For once I don't need Dos-kun for clothes! Amazing, I know."

Fyodor smiled. "Are you stuck or sick? Not needing me for clothes?"

Nikolai grinned. "No, I just wanted to come see you. Is that a crime?" 

He had actually wanted to talk to his consort about the possibility of a daughter someday in the future, but faced with his consort’s violet eyes locked on him, giving him his full attention, Nikolai couldn't do it. Fyodor was just too intimidating! What if he laughed in Nikolai's face? What if he said Nikolai would make a terrible dad? What if he simply didn't want to have a kid with someone like Nikolai? No, he just couldn't bring it up. Not yet.

Fyodor shook his head, holding an arm out. "Of course it's not a problem, Kolya."

Nikolai came over and pecked his consort on the lips. "Good. My heart would be mortally wounded if you said it was."

Fyodor chuckled in amusement. "Would you care to sit? I think you'd enjoy this particular part of my book."

Nikolai sat down in Fyodor's lap, not needing to be told twice. "Then get reading, Dos-kun! Make it interesting. Don't read all monotone," he teased, making himself comfortable so Fyodor could read over his shoulder.

Fyodor rested his chin on Nikolai's shoulder. "I don't read in a monotone voice."

Nikolai nipped at his consort’s jaw. "Not when I specifically say not to! Now get reading!" 

As Fyodor obliged, beginning to read from his book, Nikolai couldn't help but think that his consort would be great at reading their hypothetical daughter bedtime stories. He didn't do funny voices, that would be Nikolai's job for day time stories, but Fyodor's voice was soothing as he read, perfect for helping lull a little girl to sleep. The tightness in Nikolai's chest returned.

Nikolai walked into the kitchen and paused at the sight of Fyodor looking at him with cold violet eyes. He had just finished another session with Althea where she urged him to tell Fyodor about his desires before things spiraled out of control . Apparently, his behavior, even to her, had been noticeably different, and she had brought up her disapproval of Nikolai keeping his desires, and his therapy sessions, from Fyodor multiple time s . It wasn't that he didn't trust Fyodor, he trusted his consort more than anyone, but he was nervous, and he knew if he told Fyodor he was talking to Althea his consort’s big, beautiful mind wouldn’t be able to rest until he knew why. Fyodor's intelligence and need for knowledge truly was a blessin g and a curse.

"What's up Dos-kun?" 

Fyodor watched his beautiful consort blankly, heart aching inside his chest. It seemed his worst fears were finally coming true. Nikolai had realized he didn't need to be tied to one such as himself. "I don't know. Why don't you tell me?"

Nikolai frowned, hiding his hurt. "What are you talking about, Dos-kun? You're being silly again," he laughed nervously while internally panicking. Almost absently Nikolai grabbed his white braid and began fiddling with it. A nervous tic of his that only his family and consort knew of.

Fyodor threaded his fingers together and rested his chin on them, watching his consort fidget. "Don't play dumb with me, Gogol. We both know you aren't."

Nikolai's eyebrows furrowed lightly as he crossed his arms over his chest, hackles immediately raising at the use of his last name. "Don't address me that way. We both know that's not how we use that name," he shot back.

"You're dancing around the question. I've been very patient, but it's running thin. What is going on?" Fyodor asked, dropping his ha nd s to stand up straight. Nikolai was taller than him, yes, but he knew he carried quite the presence of his own.

Nikolai worked his jaw. "I can't answer your question if I don't know what you're talking about. You'll have to specify."

Fyodor's eyes narrowed, taking in each one of Nikolai's reactions and expressions and picking them apart. "What else could I be talking about, hm? Are you keeping that many things from me that I have to specify?" He hated this; not having enough of his consort’s trust for Nikolai to tell him about whatever was going on.

Nikolai felt his chest tighten up uncomfortably at the accusation. "Who knows what you're talking about? You're being irrational right now. Even if I wasn't telling you something, it's within my rights! I don't have to tell you everything." Normally he did tell Fyodor everything, down to the excruciatingly small details, but this wasn't the same as telling Fyodor about what he'd seen while shopping for fabrics! He couldn't just drop it into a conversation!

Fyodor arched an eyebrow. "Do you even understand how relationships works? I will enlighten you that keeping secrets isn't a part of that."

Nikolai froze for a moment, his mouth going dry as he blinked slowly, mind playing catchup to what Fyodor had hurled at him. Did he know how relationships worked? Did that mean Fyodor thought he didn't? That he was a bad consort? Gods, he was so foolish to think Fyodor would ever even consider having a child with him when his consort didn't even think he could function correctly within their own relationship.

"I'm not keeping secrets." Nikolai denied, finally getting his vocal cords to work. It wasn't like he was actively hiding anything; he just wasn't answering questions that went unasked. Fyodor didn't ask where he was going when he went to see Althea, so he didn't say. Fyodor never asked if he was thinking about having a kid, so he never said he was.

Fyodor leaned back against their kitchen counter, regarding Nikolai with the detached stare he often looked at the general population with. "And yet you're not being truthful with me either. I thought we had gotten past this. It seems I was wrong." With those final words Fyodor spun on his heel and left their kitchen, disappearing into the halls of their home.

Nikolai stayed frozen for a long time, staring at the place his consort had stood without moving a muscle. He wasn't even sure he was breathing. Slowly, as if on autopilot, he pulled out his phone and hit the call button.

"Hey, Siggy, are you free right now?" Nikolai asked softly, already making his way towards the front door. 

Even if Sigma said no, he didn't want to stay in the house. Not after that argument. Arguing with Fyodor was always the worst. He never got angry the way most people did. He didn't yell, he didn't get animated and wave his hands around, he just became frigid. It was impossible to reach him when he got like that. He was all sharp edges and biting words, and his cunning intellect along with his general control over his tone and inflection only ever made his words hit harder than anyone else could manage.

Sigma frowned at the hurt he could clearly hear in his little brother's voice. "The door's open."

Nikolai smiled faintly. "Thanks. I'll be there in a few minutes."

Sigma immediately began gathering blankets up. "I'll have blankets," he promised. 

Nikolai relaxed a little further at the promise of blankets. His older brother was the best. Sigma wouldn’t push him to talk and would let Nikolai stay as long as he needed to.

"Thanks. I could use a few." Nikolai said honestly as he made his way down the street.

Sigma piled the blankets on his living room couch. "Is it just a bad day, or did something happen? Should I make tea?"

Nikolai sighed softly. "Dostoevsky and I got into a fight. He's really mad at me, but I don't know why. I think he thinks I'm cheating on him? I don't know. I'm really confused."

Sigma grimaced as he headed towards the kitchen. "Definitely tea then. Do you want to talk about it, or do you want to watch a shitty movie?"

Nikolai bit his bottom lip, falling silent as he debated with himself before letting out a long breath. "… I want to talk about it. But this stays between you and I. No one else."

Sigma nodded immediately. "Of course. Just between us," he promised. 

Nikolai smiled faintly. "Thanks Siggy." He didn't really want to talk about this, but knew that if he didn't he would just let everything build up until he panicked and it exploded out of him.

Sigma headed towards his kitchen to start on the tea. "It's nothing. I'll always be here when you need me, Niki." It was his job as a big brother after all, and he hoped he could help Nikolai get to the bottom of this. His little brother would never cheat on Fyodor, he was crazy over his consort. Just as crazy as Chuuya was over Dazai. 

Nikolai shook his head as he walked, phone pressed to his ear. "No, it's a huge help Siggy. I know you'll help me and tell it to me straight, even if I don't want to hear it."

Sigma sighed softly. "We all know you'd never cheat on Fyodor, Niki, so I highly doubt this conversation could go in a direction you don't like."

Nikolai huffed as he opened Sigma's front door, slipping inside and toeing off his shoes. "Well, I apparently really messed up somewhere for Dos-kun to think I'm doing something like cheating, so I need you to help me figure out if I did something wrong and what that something is. I might not like what you have to say."

Sigma hung up the phone as Nikolai stepped into the kitchen and all but collapsed on top of the island. "Perhaps. Fyodor is a logical, smart man, but he's always been a little dull when it comes to interpersonal relationships. Especially when it comes to you."

Nikolai pouted faintly. "Dos-kun isn't dull. He's just being stupid right now. And mean."

Sigma nodded his head as he poured their tea into cups. "What happened? A fight, clearly, but if you just argued you wouldn't be this put out about it."

Nikolai sighed. "I guess this needs to start at the beginning. I've been a little out of sorts ever since Belladonna’s trial and Zai sketched a picture of those little girls to calm ChuChu down. After Leviathan, Zai painted the little girls, and I went to talk to Althea about everything."

Sigma nodded as he took a sip of tea. "You were conflicted because you liked the idea, but thought kids weren't for you?"

Nikolai nodded wide-eyed. "Yes, how did you know, Siggy?"

Sigma laughed softly. "I saw the way you were with Kira and how after her you were a lot better with Kyo and Elise. You've also been great with Chuuya and Dazai’s kids. I thought you might change your mind or at least think about it. You're allowed to change your mind."

Nikolai sighed. "That's what Althea said. I've been talking to her about this for the last few months. I want this little girl we've talked about so bad, Siggy!"

"Does Fyodor not want kids? Is that why he accused you of cheating?" Sigma probed, looking at his little brother with worried grey eyes.

Nikolai bit his lip. "I kinda haven’t asked him. I get too nervous every time I try to bring it up!! Althea says I should tell him. He doesn't even know I've been talking to Althea because then he wouldn't rest until he knew why."

Sigma took a long sip of his tea. "So you've been sneaking off to meet with your therapist however often to talk about your hypothetical dream child, and you've told Fyodor about neither of those things?"

Nikolai grimaced. "It sounds bad when you put it like that."

Sigma snorted as he set his cup down. "Last I checked, keeping things from your consort wasn't exactly good relationship behavior."

Nikolai pouted as he looked down into his tea. "It's not like I meant for things to get this serious. At first I didn't want to bring it up because I wasn't sure, and then I was sure but I wanted it so badly that the idea of Dos-kun not wanting her became petrifying! Every time I think about the possibility of him saying no, and the many reasons he could have for that answer, I just panic!"

Sigma drummed his fingers against the table as he thought. "Did Fyodor ever actually accuse you of cheating? Did the words leave his lips?"

Nikolai paused for a moment, beginning to fidget. "Well, no, but that's the only thing he could have heen alluding to!"

Sigma put his chin in his hand. "Tell me exactly what he said?" It would be just like his brother to get all worked up over Fyodor accusing him of cheating when really Fyodor was just upset he was being left out of the loop of Nikolai's personal life.

Nikolai bit his lip. "I asked him what was up and he said 'I don't know why don't you tell me?' I told him he was being silly and he told me to 'quit dancing around the question. I've been very patient, but it's running thin. What's going on?' I then told him I couldn't answer if I didn't know what he was talking about and he'd have to be more specific."

Sigma sighed as he pinched the bridge of his nose. "Niki…" he groaned.

Nikolai groaned back. "I know, I know!! I panicked Siggy!! That's not all of it either."

Sigma waved for his brother to continue. "Okay, finish up and we'll break it down."

Nikolai smiled sheepishly. "After that he said 'What else could I be talking about, hm? Are you keeping that many things from me that I have to specify?' I got defensive and told him he was being irrational and that if I was keeping secrets it was within my rights not to tell him. Then he said 'Do you even understand how relationships works? I will enlighten you that keeping secrets isn't a part of that.' Then he walked off and I called you. What else could he think except that I'm cheating!?"

Sigma gave his brother an unimpressed look. "I think you're filling in a lot of gaps there with your own insecurities."

Nikolai pouted. "Well, duh! If I'm going around accusing him of keeping secrets then obviously the only logical secret he could be keeping from me is another lover!"

Sigma ran a hand through his hair. "And since when have you and Fyodor ever had minds that work the same way? You're keeping secrets, and it's not that you're cheating."

Nikolai gaped, opening and closing his mouth before his eyebrows furrowed. "So Dos-kun doesn't think I'm cheating on him?"

Sigma shook his head. "I don't think he does. Fyodor's not the type to beat around the problem if he knows exactly what it is. If he thought you were cheating, he'd come right out and say it. I think he doesn't know what to think and was trying to goad out of you what you're hiding, but it is really obvious that you're keeping things from him, and he's clearly hurt about that."

Nikolai frowned, spinning his tea around in the cup. "But I don't get it. I keep things from Dos-kun all the time!"

Sigma wrinkled his nose. "You keep surprises from Fyodor all the time, like a new book you bought him or new clothes. Not big things that are clearly troubling you, and especially not over this long of a period of time."

Nikolai blinked. "So you think he's upset, not because I'm cheating, but because I'm keeping things from him and he doesn't know what?"

Sigma nodded. "Yes. Niki, it's no secret Fyodor worships the ground you walk on, and that he's always thought you could do better than him. Just like you always thought he could do better than you. Neither of you want anyone else, but because of how much he hurt you with keeping Dazai a secret and staying in the Human Realm to help Dazai and the kids, he's always feared that you'd decide you'd had enough of him and leave. I'm not telling you this to guilt you, just giving you a new angle to think on. For now, why don't you finish your tea and go curl up in the blankets?”

" Stay as long as you need. If you need to talk to Althea about some of this before you talk to Fyodor then do that. Just remember that he deserves a chance to know your heart. He might surprise you. If it were a little boy, he might be harder to convince, but a little girl? I don't think you'll have to work very hard." Sigma joked.

Nikolai smiled weakly as he nodded. "Okay, thanks Siggy," he mumbled as he finished his tea and then went to the blanket pile on the couch.

Fyodor looked at his consort huddled in the pile of blankets watching him nervously. It hadn't been hard to figure out where he'd go. Both brothers went to Sigma when they needed comfort. He was lucky Sigma had decided he wasn't here to hurt his consort’s feelings further or he'd never have been let in. Fyodor carefully laid each of the unfinished drawings of a little girl out on the coffee table in front of them. "Won't you please finish her, Kolya? I'm not you or Zai. Finishing her is beyond my skills."

Nikolai's breath caught in his throat, eyes widening as he looked at the half finished drawings of their daughter. He had never meant to draw her. Anytime it happened it was a mindless act. Putting her to paper made it too real, and he knew if Fyodor said he didn't want children Nikolai would be beyond devastated after drawing her out. It was always while he was working in his sewing room, coming up with new designs, that his mind would slip away and he'd end half finishing sketches of the little girl he dreamed about. He could never bring himself to throw the drawings away.

"How did you find these?" Nikolai whispered, gently picking up the sketches. They were locked away in a box hidden in his studio out of plain sight.

Fyodor smiled faintly as he sat down across from his consort, taking Nikolai's hands into his own. "I couldn't help myself from looking around in your sewing room after you left for any kind of clue as to what was going on. I've been so worried, Kolya."

Nikolai squeezed Fyodor's hands. "I never meant to worry you. In any fashion."

The fact that his consort had riffled through his things didn't pha s e him. He made a mess of Fyodor's office all the time looking for information or clues to whatever currently held Fyodor's interest, so he couldn't exactly be mad.

Fyodor removed one of the white gloves on Nikolai's hands, pressing a soft kiss to the skin revealed to him. "Why didn't you just talk to me?" The question was phrased gently, but to Nikolai, his hurt was clear.

Nikolai squeezed his consort’s hands gently, turning them in his own. "I wanted to, and you have no idea how many times I started to tell you. I always froze up, though. I wanted this little girl so bad, but I was scared you might not want kids." He admitted. "We've always said we didn't want kids."

Fyodor nodded his understanding. "That's fair, I don't want a brood like my brother and Chuuya have, but a little girl all our own? I find I like the idea of that quite a bit."

Nikolai nodded eagerly. "Yes, just a little girl. I don't want more. I just want her."

Fyodor smiled as he kissed his consort’s hands again. "Then you need to finish her so we know what our daughter will look like."

Nikolai grinned from ear to ear. "I will! I won't stop until she's perfect, Dostoevsky," he promised. 

Fyodor nodded. "I look forward to seeing what our daughter will look like, Gogol. I know she'll be perfect because you're the one creating her."

Nikolai tugged at Fyodor's hands, drawing him closer for a gentle kiss. "And for the record, I wasn't sneaking off anywhere bad. I was meeting with Althea. It was… a struggle for me to come to terms with the fact that I wanted a baby and was allowed to want that."

Fyodor sighed softly in relief. "And you didn't just say you were meeting with your therapist because…" he trailed off, giving Nikolai room to answer.

Nikolai chuckled. "Because you, Dostoevsky, are a fiend for knowledge with an unquenchable thirst. If I had told you I was seeing her you'd want to know why, and I wasn't ready to tell you. I didn't want to talk to you about possible kids until I was absolutely sure."

Fyodor tilted his head slightly. "Are you not absolutely sure now? I thought you said you wanted her?"

Nikolai looked down at their hands. "No, I am sure. Now I want her so badly that I kept getting too scared to tell you. I didn't want you to say no."

Fyodor smiled softly at his consort. "There's no fear of that now. Will you come home and finish her Kolya? I want to see what our daughter will look like."

Nikolai nodded, beaming. "Yes, I'll finish her, but don't expect her to be finished today. Perfection takes time, Dos-kun, and each one of these are absentmimded rough drafts. If I'm going to draw our daughter, I'm going to do it properly. Out of curiosity though, is there any feature you'd want her to have?"

Fyodor smiled. "I want her to have your hair. It's beautiful, Kolya. I also want her to have your true smile, the soft one you reserve for me, your family, and Kira."

Nikolai blushed. "My true smile, huh?" He hadn't thought about their smiles, but that didn't sound too bad. "She needs your eyes then, and your graceful fingers. That way she can play the instrument of her choice, be it the cello like you, or the flute like Zai."

Fyodor gently cupped Nikolai's cheek, rubbing his thumb back and forth over the splash of pink. "You've been thinking about her for a long time now, yes?"

Nikolai nuzzled into the touch, eyes fluttering close. "Mhm. At least a good few months now, but Althea thinks I've been subconsciously doing it for longer."

Fyodor drew his consort close, pressing a soft kiss to Nikolai's forehead. "Then you've got lots of ideas and thoughts about her. You'll have to tell me all of them."

Nikolai opened his eyes to stare at Fyodor. "You mean that, Dos-kun?"

Fyodor nodded his head. "I want to know all of the thoughts you've had about our daughter."

Nikolai's heart swelled at that. Their daughter. She was both of theirs, not just Nikolai's. Fyodor wanted her, too, and Nikolai couldn't be more excited about that fact.

Fyodor smiled faintly as he watched his consort. He was glad that it was just Nikolai wanting a baby and not knowing how to approach him instead of what he feared.

Nikolai tilted his head as a whisper of relief fluttered across their bond. He had been trying to pay attention a little better after Sigma's comments. "Why do you feel so relieved, Dos-kun?"

Fyodor squeezed Nikolai's hands as he looked away. "I thought you might finally be growing tired of me and putting up with me when you started keeping secrets. You're beautiful, Kolya. Beautiful, vivacious, outgoing, and creative. I'm none of those things. I've also hurt you deeply before, both when I ascended and when I chose not to tell you about the situation with Zai. I've always been waiting for the decree that you've realized you're tired of putting up with me and don't actually need me."

Nikolai's eyes widened as he stared at his consort. "… What?"

Fyodor smiled faintly. "I don't deserve you, Kolya, I never have, but at the end of the day, I'm only a man. A selfish man at that. As long as you want me, I'm going to stick around, even if I know you deserve far more. Even if I've hurt you and damaged your trust."

Nikolai shifted so he was straddling Fyodor's lap, gently taking his consort’s face in his hands. "Dostoevsky, look at me."

Fyodor flicked his eyes over to Nikolai's face. "Kolya-"

Nikolai clicked his tongue, cutting his consort off. "Enough. I don't want to hear another stupid word out of your face. Dos-kun, I love you. I could never tire of you, and I've never been simply 'putting up with you'. You're my fated consort, and beyond that, you're Fyodor Dostoevsky. Our names are written together in the stars, and our fates are intimately entwined in every universe. You're the only person to ever understand me, the only one who ever could. You mean more to me than I'll ever be able to articulate, so don't you dare ever question that again. Do you question my love for you?"

Fyodor blinked, faint surprise passing over his face. "Of course not."

Nikolai nodded his head, accepting the answer. "Then never say something so stupid again. I won't be so gracious as to let you get away scott free with doubting my love again."

Fyodor nodded. "Very well." The relief was evident on his face to Nikolai, but to most it wouldn't have appeared to change much. "I love you, Kolya."

Nikolai kissed his consort, smiling softly. "I love you too, Dos-kun. Let's go home so I can focus on perfecting our daughter."

Fyodor gently stroked Nikolai's cheek. "Not quite yet. I have other plans for you."

Nikolai leaned into the touch, a smile spreading across his lips as Sigma telegraphed his disgust by loudly complaining from the kitchen and telling them to get out of his house. "My my~. So forward, Dos-kun! Take me away, my prince!" 

He could feel Fyodor's desperate desire to reconnect, both physically and emotionally, and who was he to deny him? He was weak in the end, and as selfish of a man as his consort. If Fyodor was willing to give, Nikolai would always gladly take. There daughter would undoubtedly be perfected, but for now, Nikolai had something even more precious between his hands that wasn't a far off fantasy. Fyodor was real. Fyodor was his, and Nikolai was going to remind him of that as staunchly as he was going to remind Fyodor that he, the God of Personalities, belonged body and soul to the God of Deception .