Chapter Text
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
He can only manage to say this or little else to Hye-Jin. He's so tired. So tired that he can't even think. He watches her walk away with a weight on his chest. A sense of guilt and mortification he can't shake off. The awareness that something has changed in him today and he can no longer ignore this feeling. He can't go back.
I'm sorry.
He trudges up to his apartment on autopilot, kicks off his shoes at the entrance, and begins to peel off his damp clothes with effort. He throws them on the floor, walking towards the bathroom, unable to do anything else but move like a robot and step under the hot stream of the shower. The hot water feels like a godsend, not only on his chilled body but also on his confused emotions.
I'm sorry.
Do you really feel nothing for Kim Hye-Jin?
He growls a confused and angry response to an imaginary Editor Kim. Salty tears mix with the water, and Seong Joon starts to sob: one hand against the tiled wall, the hot stream on his head. A gentle caress that washes away his guilt.
Later, when he has no more energy even to cry, he steps out of the shower, wraps himself in a soft sponge robe, and sits in front of the Renoir puzzle, contemplating the photo of his mother, remembering her desperate run in the rain, just to make sure Kim Hye-Jin was safe. Just to hold her in his arms and make sure everything was okay.
"Now that I think about it, it was the first time I didn't think about what happened in the car that rainy day."
He affectionately and nostalgically strokes his mother's smiling image and speaks to her softly. He has done it often in the past.
"It was the first time, Mom."
He sighs and finally knows he has found the answer to Kim Shin-Hyuk's question.
"I love that woman."- he admits in a whisper, reclaiming his own words.
Saying it out loud makes him smile. He shakes his head, thinking about how he had fought against this feeling that had crept into his heart and had taken root so strongly, despite all his clumsy attempts to stop it. Hye-Jin, so sunny and spontaneous, so kind and generous, had won him over piece by piece.
"I love Kim Hye-Jin." - he repeats with even more strength and conviction.
He doesn't know if this feeling can have a future. He has no idea if she feels the same for him or if she's in love with Kim Shin-Hyuk. It doesn't matter right now; he just feels he has to tell her how he feels. He'll accept her rejection. He'll accept anything from Hye-Jin.
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He feels deceived. All this time, he has tried to suppress his feelings for Kim Hye-Jin out of some absurd sense of duty. Out of respect for someone who had deceived him by pretending to be someone she wasn't. Because he wanted to keep his promise.
Who are you? Why did you pretend to be Kim Hye-Jin?
He leaves, without listening to what Min Ha-ri is saying to him, gets in the car, and drives aimlessly. He just wants to reach Hye-Jin and tell her that he finally recognized her, that he knows the truth. That his heart, even before his mind, had recognized her, knew it was her.
He calls her, and as soon as he hears her voice, he can't help but start crying.
"It's been so long. - he says, trying to hold back the tears. - Kim Hye-Jin."
"It's been so long. - he repeats after she responds confusedly. - Hye-Jin."
Silence on the line.
"I've missed you." - he admits, crying. - Kim Hye-Jin."
And finally, she responds.
"Seong Joon."
The way she pronounces his name warms his heart. He has missed her terribly.
"Where are you now? Let's meet."
He can't wait any longer. He can't restrain the emotion he feels in his chest anymore. A mixture of joy and pain that he wants to fully embrace.
He sees her crossing the street and runs towards her, grabbing her arm and they look at each other. They have finally found each other.
"I found you." - he says through tears. - I finally found you."
She's also crying, but she also gives him a beautiful smile.
Even though he found her, he can't help but reproach her.
"Why the hell did you hide? Why don't you say anything? You have no idea how much I...- he looks at her and stops because he knows it's only his fault. - Forget it, Hye-Jin. It took me too long to recognize you. I should have found you sooner, but it took me too long. I'm sorry."
Tears flow and seem unwilling to stop on his face and on her beautiful face.
"It must have been hard for you. -he continues. - You were close to me all this time. How foolish I was not to realize who you were."
Then he approaches and gently takes her face in his hands.
"Let me see. Even if I look at you from this side, it's you,- he says, not wanting to stop looking at her, touching her.- And even if I look at you from the other side, it's still you."
She nods, while he feels like he's about to burst with emotion.
"It's you. My friend Kim Hye-Jin."
She cries and smiles as Seong Joon can't help but stroke her hair. He wants to hold her in his arms, kiss her, and tell her that he won't leave her again, but he restrains himself.
There will be time. I finally found you.
Hye-Jin.
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He feels empty and confused.
This morning, he hurriedly distanced himself from Hye-Jin to not openly show the pain he felt and threw himself headlong into work. But focusing is difficult. He doesn't understand why she, recklessly, treats him like that.
Classmates?
Just until the night before, they were walking hand in hand. He really doesn't understand this sudden change.
Have I really come too late?
Perhaps he had ruined everything. Perhaps his Hye-Jin is in love with Editor Kim, and he is really just her childhood friend. Did walking hand in hand mean nothing to her?
Yet.
Seong Joon takes a deep breath to stop the anxiety that tightens his stomach. He can't let himself be overwhelmed by feelings, not now, not in his office. He has responsibilities that surpass his personal feelings, his broken heart, his urge to scream.
I have to save The Most. I have to save all these people.
He starts reading the article that Chief Editor Cha brought him, but in his mind, he sees millions of times Hye-Jin entering his office and the harsh exchange they had that morning, her admission that she couldn't treat him like just a friend.
What can I do?
He buries his head in his hands and gives up. He won't accomplish anything if he doesn't solve the problem. If he doesn't talk to her. He leaves his office to get some fresh air and clear his mind, the smiling onion stares at him, and he can't hold back anymore.
He calls her.
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He wakes up abruptly, his heart pounding in his chest and echoing in his head. He must have fallen asleep again while working. That has become his standard sleep mode now: short and rare moments when he literally faints from exhaustion and then wakes up sweaty and gasping. The last call he received from the New York headquarters still haunts him.
It all depends on you!
Facing the responsibility of The Most's closure alone is overwhelming. He still believes that keeping the information secret is the best solution for everyone, but he doesn't know how much longer he can handle the stress and responsibility.
I'm so tired.
He thinks about Hye-Jin and immediately feels a little better. Just sitting in front of Hye-Jin drinking a cup of coffee was comforting. He really could have used the hug he asked for, but he had given up on it, hadn't he promised to wait for her? He would do it even if it cost him so much.
I was kidding.
He wasn’t, actually. But still, it's ok, he’ll waiting for her.
But Hye-Jin is right, though, he's having a hard time. He sleeps very little, and when he does, he wakes up sweaty and terrified. But he can only grit his teeth and work.
It all depends on you!
It’s true. So he slumps on the couch, disheartened.
I need to see her.
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He's finally on his way back to Seoul from the island of Jeju after a day of flying from one meeting to another without even the time to take a break. He didn't even get to see Hye-Jin today, and it makes him feel sadder and more tired than he should. She has the power to recharge him with her mere presence. Truth be told, he didn't even have time to do anything other than work, so much so that he doesn't even remember if, besides coffee, he actually ate something.
But he doesn't care, he just needs to get home now and call her. Maybe even see her for a few minutes.
I need Hye-Jin.
Her stern eyes followed him all day yesterday. He felt them fixed on him, scrutinizing him for a sign of his well-being. Even from the other side of the glass, he could feel their gentle touch, and he still feels them now as he descends the steps and heads towards the exit gate. He smiles wryly. She was worried about him, they all were actually. The nosebleed not only caught him off guard but the whole team.
This wasn't supposed to happen.
But it was nothing to worry about. Just the side effect of a sleepless night. He was fine, he would handle this unexpected event too. So he never stopped, he read the articles, answered emails, and continued to work diligently, pretending that everything was fine, putting even more energy and conviction into it.
I'm fine.
And so he had continued to work tirelessly today as well, even though now, after a day of traveling far and wide without a moment's respite, he feels a bit fatigued, and the headache that had been his tireless companion for days seems a bit stronger.
I'm fine.
He walks towards the exit, but the light around him is strangely bright, sparkling at the edge of his field of vision. He blinks trying to focus on the corridor ahead, but everything seems increasingly blurry. A dark, oppressive tunnel that seems to close in around him and makes him feel slow and strangely heavy. He takes a breath and staggers, clutching at the glass door in front of him but fails and slumps to the ground. His body suddenly seems to want to abandon him.
I'm fine. I...
Everything suddenly goes dark.