Chapter Text
In this world, there are three things that Kim Taehyung from Daegu finds truly amusing.
The first thing Taehyung finds amusing without fail is his best friend Jeon Jeongguk – literally the most emotionally constipated person he’s ever had the pleasure of coming across – and Park Jimin’s – literally the most emotional and empathetic person he’s also had the pleasure of coming across – relationship.
Taehyung, having read his fair share of fanfiction, likes to think of himself as pretty versed in the likes of unlikely pairings. However, as he thinks about seeing his dumb, idiotic best friend looking at his bro-mate with a dopey smile when he thinks Jimin’s not looking, only to hurriedly rearrange his face into a forced nonchalant expression when Jimin looks in Jeongguk’s direction, Taehyung thinks he might have to re-evaluate the meaning of an unlikely pairing.
The second thing that always gets Taehyung laughing when he thinks of is that one time he had stumbled across Yoongi’s secret singing videos. Taehyung had made plans with the bathtub in Yoongi’s apartment (and Yoongi, but that’s a story for another time), but he had arrived at his boyfriend’s apartment only to find out through Hoseok hyung that Yoongi was still at the studio. So naturally, Taehyung did what anyone would’ve done: snuck into Yoongi’s liquor cabinet and poured himself two (five) shots of the expensive European tequila Yoongi treasured so much.
Fast forward thirty minutes and he had been laughing hysterically with Hoseok hyung (who he had coerced into drinking the whiskey) as they had found a folder labelled “DON’T FUCKIGN CLICK”. Upon clicking the folder so aptly named ‘DON’T FUCKIGN CLICK’, they had been pleasantly surprised (absolutely hysterical) to find video upon video of Yoongi filming himself singing angsty ballad songs. Yoongi had come home to Taehyung and Hoseok hyung rolling around, hysterically shrieking and laughter as Singer Yoongi belted out a not-so-soulful rendition of Adele’s Hello. Taehyung, catching sight of Yoongi’s horrified expression had laughed even harder, slurring out a, “Hello Yoongi! Hello from the other side!”
(Needless to say Yoongi was less than pleased and had banned Taehyung from both his liquor cabinet and his laptop for All Of Eternity, which Taehyung thinks is a little overboard, but what can you do when you’re dating a literal diva?)
And the third thing Taehyung finds amusing without fail every single time is Yoongi attempting to remain big spoon, even though both he and Yoongi know that after three minutes of struggling, Yoongi will give up and resign to being the little spoon (no matter how much he resists during those three minutes).
This is one of those times.
They lie together in Yoongi’s (thankfully queen-sized) bed, with Taehyung curled up into Yoongi’s chest with Yoongi resting his chin on Taehyung’s shoulder, as they talk quietly about their day. Taehyung, for all it’s worth, has always liked being the little spoon. There’s just something about being tucked into someone’s chest, the feeling of their arms protectively wrapped around him that Taehyung has always loved.
But after he and Yoongi started dating and began spooning lots and lots and lots (Yoongi had refused to do anything remotely cute whilst they were only casually seeing each other and Taehyung had very nearly cried himself to sleep every day), Taehyung had slowly started to see the benefits of being the big spoon. It’s nice being the protector, he thinks. And there’s something so painfully fragile about his tiny boyfriend – all translucent skin and slender fingers and thin wrists – and Taehyung always feels a surge of protectiveness towards Yoongi. Because Yoongi might be all tough words and scary glares at first glance, but Taehyung knows that inside all those layers of rough and tough, Yoongi’s frail – delicate, almost (he’ll never say these thoughts out loud to Yoongi though – Taehyung does cherish his life, after all).
Taehyung can see that Yoongi’s struggling – he keeps adjusting his arms and pulling Taehyung back gently towards his chest. He can feel Yoongi’s chin continuously slipping off, and Yoongi’s annoyed huffs hitting his bare shoulder, before he hooks his chin back onto Taehyung’s shoulder.
Taehyung suppresses a smile.
Don’t get Taehyung wrong, he loves being little spoon, but Taehyung knows when to admit defeat, and this is obviously one of those times. Luckily for Yoongi, Taehyung loves his cutie pie boyfriend so much that he is willing to switch it up once in awhile.
“Babe?” Taehyung asks (albeit hesitantly – Yoongi is a delicate flower and values his manliness and dignity over nearly everything).
“What is it?” Yoongi replies grumpily. Taehyung can tell Yoongi’s getting annoyed with his inability to comfortably rest on Taehyung’s shoulder by the way his hands are tightening around Taehyung’s stomach.
“Do you want to switch positions, Yoongbean? It seems as though my little muffin cutie is experiencing a little difficulty.”
So maybe that isn’t the best way to gently break it to Yoongi that it’s probably for the better that they change positions, judging by the way Yoongi bites down on Taehyung’s shoulder, eliciting a yelp from the younger.
“No,” Yoongi huffs. “I’m going to stay the big spoon in this relationship and right now while we’re spooning, I’m fucking older than you!”
Taehyung bites down on his lip, trying his darn hardest not to laugh. “Okay, okay,” He says in surrender, snuggling closer to Yoongi.
They lie in a comfortable silence for a few minutes. Comfortable for Taehyung, anyways. He can hear Yoongi grunting uncomfortably every couple of seconds as he adjusts and rearranges his position in a useless attempt to get comfortable. Taehyung contemplates not saying anything and leaving Yoongi to suffer in silence, but Taehyung’s pretty weak when it comes to a certain pastel-haired boy.
“Are you sure you don’t wanna switch, Yoongbean? I promise that even if we switch you’ll be the big spoon in our relationship. Just... not when we cuddle,” Taehyung promises, twisting away to look down at Yoongi’s disgruntled face, a knowing grin on his face.
“Fine. But don’t tell anyone, okay? As far as anyone else is concerned, I’m always big spoon, yes?” When Taehyung nods eagerly, Yoongi loosens his grip on Taehyung so they can both turn around, with Yoongi’s back ending up tucked into Taehyung’s chest.
Yoongi folds his legs up to his chest, making himself into a little ball and it takes all of Taehyung’s strength not to coo at him. Taehyung wraps his arms around Yoongi and rests his face in the crook of his neck, breathing in Yoongi’s manly cologne and hiding a smile in Yoongi’s hair when the elder captures Taehyung’s hands in his smaller ones, winding his fingers through it.
“Yeah,” Yoongi mutters, tightening his grip on Taehyung’s hands. “Yeah, this is better.”
They fall back into conversation quickly now that both parties are comfortable, when Yoongi says something that makes Taehyung’s blood run cold and hairs stand on the back of his neck.
“Seokjin keeps whining about this pink-haired boy that comes into his café every afternoon and how cute he is when he’s flustered ‘cause he keeps sprouting philosophical bullshit, and I said to him, ‘just be a smooth motherfucker and write your number on his coffee cup’ but he doesn’t listen to me! And so I said to him th–”
“Wait, wait, did you say pink-haired? Philosophical bullshit? Is he possibly talking about Joonie hyung? Oh fuck. Oh fuck!” Taehyung doesn’t remember the last time he’s felt so excited.
Oh, fuck, holy fucking shit. Wasn’t Joonie hyung there when Jaebum had fake-asked Jimin on a date (and Taehyung had thought that Jeongguk’s head was going to explode)?!
“Namjoon? Namjoon’s the one Jin’s been thirsting over? What the fuck is this world coming to?” Yoongi wonders aloud.
“But babe, babe, get this: Joonie hyung has been telling me about this crush he’s had on someone called shoulders for ages! Yoongi! Shoulders! Aren’t Jinnie hyung’s shoulders so broad you could land a plane on them?!” Taehyung’s nearly shouting at this point in his excitement. “I knew he wasn’t lying to me! I knew it!”
“Shoulders?” Yoongi’s face is creased in confusion and Taehyung loves Yoongi – he really does – but in this moment, there is only the fact that Yoongi still looks grumpy from his previous failures that he does not reach out and shake Yoongi until he’s seeing stars.
“Shoulders, baby! Shoulders! Oh my god, I think I’m going to pass out, this is happening. This is happening.” Taehyung’s mind is racing a million miles per hour. If Taehyung’s cupid skills worked for Jeongguk and Jimin, well –
“Yoongi, oh my god, I’ve just had the best idea,” Taehyung breathes, looking at Yoongi with blown out eyes. Yoongi looks back, his eyes just as wide with Taehyung’s, but unlike Taehyung’s excitement, Yoongi’s eyes contain fear and hesitation.
“What is it?” Yoongi asks warily.
“My match-making skills were no match for Jiguk, it’s definitely going to work on Jinnie hyung and Joonie hyung,” Taehyung says breathlessly.
“Jiguk? What the fuck is a Jiguk?”
“Jiguk! Jeongguk and Jimin’s ship name! Hyung, get with the times, your mind is still stuck in 2010, seriously!” Taehyung ignores Yoongi’s eyeroll and sits up, wriggling towards the end of the bed.
Yoongi whines tiredly, making grabby hands at Taehyung. “No, Taehyung! Come back, I’m tired!”
Taehyung nearly caves and goes back at the sight of a sleepy, whiny Yoongi, making grabby hands like a toddler. Taehyung can feel himself dying on the inside – he’s always had a weak spot for tiny things, especially in the form of a certain Min Yoongi. Tired Yoongi usually results in death for everyone, especially those who are stupid enough to annoy him (which, usually is Taehyung, but luckily for Taehyung, Yoongi’s always had a soft spot for him). Conversely, a tired Yoongi brings out a rare side of Yoongi – a side that Taehyung would literally give a right arm to see all the time – the sleepy, disgruntled and whiny side who has no shame making grabby hands at Taehyung. Taehyung wonders if it’s possible to die from his cutie pie muffin cutie boyfriend making sleepy noises and pouting at Taehyung.
It takes all of Taehyung’s effort, as well as the promise of Seokjin hyung and Namjoon hyung getting together to wrench himself away from the adorable sight that is his boyfriend. He plops himself down in front of Yoongi’s desk, clearing away his laptop and loose sheets of paper. He takes out a fresh piece of paper and starts drawing out a mind-map, his mind racing ahead of him. He can already envision it happening, and Taehyung can’t help but smile goofily at the thought of his two hyungs getting together.
Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Yoongi sitting up, scratching his arm (he notes that Yoongi’s hair is sticking up and has to stop himself from squealing like some fucking fangirl). He can see Yoongi leaning over to look at the piece of paper Taehyung’s writing on.
“Tae? What are you doing?” Yoongi asks suspiciously.
“I’m making a mind-map. I’m going to use my match-making skills to make Joonie and Jinnie hyung realise that they’re perfect for each other and then fall in love,” Taehyung replies distractedly, writing inside the bubbles he’s written.
“Match-making…?” Yoongi climbs off the bed and peers over Taehyung’s shoulder, his eyes widening in alarm. “Babe, oh my god, no, please. Leave them alone! Fuck I – don’t fucking do it, I swear to god…”
“Yoongbean, take a seat. Obviously you don’t know anything” – Taehyung ignores Yoongi’s indignant splutters, raising his voice in excitement and anticipation – “This is going to be canon. This will happen! It’s... Namjin. I ship it.”
