Chapter Text
Jay’s perfume was the only thing occupying Jungwon’s brain at the moment. He had forgotten how cold the movie theater could get, and of course the moment Jay saw him shivering a bit he took off his coat and offered it to the younger.
Jungwon knew this trench coat was probably worth more than his and Sunoo’s rent put together. That knowledge and the fact that Jay had doused the coat in some sort of intoxicating cologne, made it really hard for Jungwon to focus on the movie playing in front of him.
Jungwon didn’t even like perfume.
Earlier that day he and Sunoo had been holding an important meeting in Sunoo’s room. The meeting purpose: get Jungwon ready for his date.
The older’s bed was completely covered in clothes. About ten different outfit options that had come to be after combining some of Sunoo’s and some of Jungwon’s own clothing.
After the outfit had been settled, Jungwon sat crossed legged on his friend's bed while Sunoo was kneeling in front him, hair iron in hand, full hairstylist mode.
“Can you remind me why are we curling my hair?”
“Because you look absolutely adorable with it of course”
“Are we really going for adorable? I think with Jay I should be leaning more towards… classy? Cool? Swag?”
“Please refrain from using the word ‘swag’ in front of me ever again, you just sounded like Riki -not a compliment-”
Jungwon laughed, wriggling a little too much considering the hot tool hovering centimeters away from his face
“—Besides, I don’t think you need to worry about copying Jay in order to impress him. You’re already doing an stellar job just being yourself; he’s smitten”
The vet student could feel his cheeks flush slightly as he rolled his eyes at Sunoo’s comment.
“I guess you’re right” he muttered, letting the older finish his job on his locks.
Now at the theater, Jungwon was being so self-aware he could count his own heart beats.
He was the one that chose the movie they were currently watching, yet he kept missing the flow of the plot because of how often he would stop looking at the screen and opt for looking at his companion instead; Jay’s eyes were glued to the big screen, he’s eyes slightly watery ever since the protagonist made a whole speech on family and honor (what a softie).
But more importantly, Jay’s hand was hovering dangerously close to Jungwon’s thigh. The younger had been holding his breath for what felt like half an hour, waiting for whether Jay was gonna let his hand down or not.
Jungwon was many things, but not a coward (most of the time). So taking some initiative of his own, Jungwon brought his legs up, as if he was trying to sit cross-legged, just so his knee would end up accidentally meeting Jay’s hand halfway.
The older didn’t move his hand away and so Jungwon didn’t move either, a warm feeling bubbling in his stomach as Jay tapped his fingers absent-mindedly on his knee.
The movie was actually great, Jungwon had chosen a good one. Somewhere near the end he turned to look at Jay, just to find the older teary eyed.
“Wait. Are you crying?”
“It’s an emotional scene!” Jay whisper-screamed.
“They are just swimming in a lake”
“Yeah, emotionally”
Jungwon contained his laughter for the sake of the other people watching. He still reached out to wipe Jay’s tears with his thumb.
They could've taken a taxi back to Jungwon’s place. But yet, strolling at night with each other sounded like a much better option for the two of them.
They’d discussed the movie for a while. Then Jay had taken out his phone and his earphones, offering one for Jungwon to listen to his playlist as they walked.
He had never really understood Jay’s taste in music, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t enjoying every second of it.
The mood was so sweet. He could still feel Jay’s touch lingering on his knee every now and then. Jungwon could still smell Jay’s intense perfume, and he was getting more used to it by the minute.
Jungwon knew Jay didn’t mind the cold (he was more the type to get easily hot) but he felt he was getting too comfortable wearing the other’s coat.
“Here you go. Thanks, really” said Jungwon as he took off the trench coat and handed it to Jay.
The older took the cloth and instead of putting it on he started turning it over and inspecting it as if he was looking for…
“Oh come on! When are you gonna let that go?” Jungwon complained.
Jay started laughing.
“Listen, who knows. Maybe I’ll have to wash off cat fur off my clothes again”
“It happened once . Once!”
Jay shook the coat off one last time and put it on. Shaking his head and still laughing.
“You’re still unbelievable. How did you end up covered in cat fur, when pets aren’t even allowed at the boarding house?”
“I had to do some research work for one of my classes that day. I had to spend hours at a cat shelter, and those cats were reaaaally clingy” Jay was looking at him amused as Jungwon explained himself.
“–besides! I offered to pay for the laundry for your jacket. It’s you who declined”
“Yes, because you are too cute to make you pay for my laundry” the law student said while looking directly at Jungwon.
“I’m not cute” he muttered. But he still felt his face and ears heat up.
Jungwon gave the earphone back to his hyung since they weren’t really listening to music anymore.
“You know, you always say I’m cute. But if you were to ask me, you’re the really cute one between the two of us” said Jungwon, successfully catching Jay off guard.
Before the older had time to say anything back, the vet student reached out stepping closer to his hyung and moved the wispy bangs out of his eyes. He had always loved Jay’s hair, but it often got in the way of the older’s line of sight.
Jay stood completely still as Jungwon swept his hair to the side.
It’s not like they haven’t been this close before. If anything, they hardly took personal space into account whenever it was just the two of them. But the late hour and cold breeze made Jungwon feel a shiver down his spine as he locked eyes with Jay, his hand still lingering close to the boy’s face.
Jungwon laughed the odd feeling off and kept on walking. Jay on his trail.
They were nearing Jungwon’s neighborhood. They had spent the minutes talking about little nonsense; Jungwon was usually the quiet type, but he couldn’t help but to tell Jay everything that popped into his mind. It’s like he could just trust him to understand his gibberish.
Jay had gone uncharacteristically quiet for a while. Jungwon turned to look at him and realized that the older had been staring back at him already. He didn’t say anything, knowing that there was something brewing in Jay’s mind. Instead he waited a moment in silence until Jay decided it was his moment to speak.
“Jungwon. There’s something I know you probably don’t want me to ask. But I have to, I won’t be able to fall asleep tonight otherwise”
“Hyung, I mean. Ask away, whatever you want to know” Jungwon laughed nervously.
The guy had fully stopped walking and was now looking earnestly into Jungwon’s eyes.
“Can you tell me… What are we?”
Jungwon’s world stopped for a minute. His heartbeat, his breathing, his blinking, it all came swiftly to a stop after hearing the words coming out of Jay’s mouth. The silence was deafening.
Jay must have noticed Jungwon’s odd reaction, because he sighed and let out a humorless laugh. He heard the older muttering ‘I knew it’ under his breath.
“Well, you know… I could ask you the same thing. Hyung, what are we?”
“I can tell you what I want us to be. But what would be the point of that? Only you can let me know what’s the truth of our… relationship”
Well, damn.
Jungwon craned his neck up, taking some comfort in looking into the night sky (a habit he had picked up from Sunoo).
“Jay… I… We–“
“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. Is okay, really”
“It’s not that. It’s just… a bit complicated–“ Jungwon felt Jay’s hand come up to his shoulder, squeezing it softly and giving Jungwon that kind smile of his. Jay wanted to reassure him, let him know that whatever it was, it was alright by him. Jay was always too understanding for his own good.
Jungwon didn’t want to let Jay down. So he took a deep breath and prepared himself for the hardest battle God could give him: put his feelings into words.
“If you want to hear the truth Jay. I don’t want us to be anything different from what we are right now, yet. As for what that is exactly; I guess we are too people that like each other a lot. I myself, at least, like you a lot–” Jungwon cleared his throat, trying to get it all out before he loses the courage “–I know the obvious thing to do next is becoming, you know, a couple. But the thing is, I honestly can’t picture it yet: me being someone’s boyfriend, having a boyfriend. It all sounds so unrealistic to me, even silly. I just recently made peace with the fact that I’m gay, and maybe I’m still trying to understand how it fits into my life. How it’ll affect me. How it works. I’m not really ready to be more to you than what I am right now Jay, and I’m sorry, believe me. But I’d rather be a bad friend than a shitty boyfriend”
Jungwon had been staring at the ground the entire time he was talking. He didn’t want to sound selfish or immature, but that’s probably how he came off.
He was afraid to look back up at Jay. What if Jay doesn’t want to be around him anymore? What if his indecisiveness ends up costing him the person he wants the most? What if–
A warm sensation enveloped Jungwon. Strong but gentle arms engulfed him into a hug. He could feel Jay's face pressed against his shoulder, and he could smell that goddamned cologne.
He melted into Jay’s arms. His whole body feeling like a heavy weight had been lifted off it.
“So… you aren’t mad?”
“Jungwon, what right do I have to be mad? I asked a question and you answered it. If anything I brought this upon myself”
“This is not the answer you wanted, is it?” a guilty smile was finding its place in Jungwon’s mouth.
Jay shook his head and let go of Jungwon. Suddenly the night was cold again, without his companion’s warmth.
“To be honest, no. But that’s my problem, not yours. You know, I want too much and I think too much, that’s gonna be my demise–” Jay offered Jungwon a half smile and a smug look “–It was nice to at least hear you say that you do like me. I’ll hold you accountable to that”
The late night walk went on. They both stayed so close to each other that their shoulders kept on knocking together. They had heavy hearts, but they were content for the moment being. Some company do be enough.
Jay had bid his goodnights at Jungwon’s door. Not accepting to come in. Apparently he still needed some alone time to process his thoughts. So they said goodbye and Jay left to go to his place.
Right before closing the door though, Jungwon had let his impulsive thoughts win and shouted at Jay ‘wait!’. Confused, the law student turned around.
“I know I just said what I said. But would you still… you know. Give me a kiss? In the cheek! As a friend!”
Eyes wide, Jay looked at him for a moment. Then he held Jungwon’s face in his hands, very gently. And leaned to give Jungwon a peck on his forehead.
"Good night Won” he said and turned around to leave. For real this time.
Oh god. It had been a day.
He wondered how would he even begin to tell today’s happenings to Sunoo. He is the only person Jungwon can confide in after all, and lord had he a lot on his mind.
When he stepped into the living room an interesting scene welcomed him.
Sunoo was sitting on the floor and on the couch by his back was Park Sunghoon lying with his eyes closed and a pleased look on his face. They were wearing matching sheet masks, which had to have been Sunoo’s doing.
Jungwon’s friend was talking passionately about his day while Sunghoon made sure to grunt and hum every other sentence to let Sunoo know he was listening.
Jungwon couldn’t help but smile. Sunghoon was a good guy, but also a very rigid one. Only when he was with Sunoo did he ever see him relax a little. Out of all the ‘tall, dark and handsome’ guys that liked to trail around Sunoo, Sunghoon might be one of Won’s favorites.
He wondered if Sunoo was aware about the effect he had on the guy. Because sure, his friend was smart, but Sunoo often underestimated the impact his presence had on people.
“Oh. Time’s up!” Sunoo chirped and turned around to take Sunghoon’s face mask off, leaning really close to his face. Almost like leaning in for a kiss. The younger giggled when Sunghoon sprang up panicked, muttering ‘it’s okay, it’s okay. I’ll take it off myself’.
Sunghoon might be the one obviously flustered. But Jungwon didn’t miss how Sunoo’s cheeks were also dusted pink as he took off his own sheet mask. Nice.
“Hey. Hi Jungwonie!” his hyung had gotten up to toss the mask in the kitchen’s trashcan and noticed him standing there.
“Hi Sunoo! hello Sunghoon”
The older silently nodded in Jungwon’s direction. Without saying much Jungwon let them be and headed to his room. Not without giving Sunoo the unmistakable ‘I have so much to tell you' look before leaving, of course.
Going up the stairs Jungwon looked down to peek at the pair.
Sunghoon was fidgety as Sunoo sat down on the couch next to him. The journalism student was probably blissfully oblivious as he yapped to his heart’s content; Sunghoon very still next to him, as if he’s not sure about what he's allowed to do or not.
They were both so frustrating and so sweet.
That night Jungwon would be unable to fall asleep; his brain preoccupied with the feeling of Jay’s arms around him, his disappointed expression, the feeling of his hand on Jungwon’s leg.
It was ironic. Jungwon was not ready to fully welcome Jay into his life. But he was even more unprepared to exist without him.
This is why Jungwon liked animals, loving them was uncomplicated.
<///>
Unlike the image most people had of him, Sunoo was a mature and realistic person. Optimistic? Yes. Delusional? No.
But that hasn’t always been the case. Sunoo used to be in fact very childish and naïve. He used to believe blindly in love songs and in happily ever after’s.
He was young, that‘s it.
With an iced americano in hand, Sunoo was speed walking through the campus. Technically he was in no hurry. But Riki and some other of his exchange-student friends were hanging out on the arts building terrace, and Sunoo was dying to chit chat with them, especially with Taki and Hanbin.
As he was passing by the greenery he saw a tall figure sitting on one of the benches and unconsciously he slowed down his pace.
The figure belonged to none other than Lee Heeseung.
Heeseung was hunched over a book, over the book. The glasses that he so often forgot to carry were now sliding ever so slightly down his nose bridge.
Sunoo couldn’t help himself. He stopped to stand behind the bench and peeked over to get a glimpse of the page Heeseung was currently on.
If he was being honest, Sunoo liked reading in theory, but not so much in practice.
He noticed Heeseung was using a Snickers wrapper as the bookmark. He chuckled, which got the older to turn around and find Sunoo looming over him.
Instead of acknowledging the fact that he had been very much snooping on him. Sunoo cleared his throat and casually mentioned.
“I’m happy to see you’re enjoying the book. I’ll let Sunghoon know you’re already halfway through”
Heeseung stared at him with his big Bambi eyes. Then he spoke in a quiet tone.
“You remembered”
Sunoo had guessed Heeseung already knew the book had been his idea and not Sunghoon’s.
“Well, I don’t know that many people that like books as much as you do–“ he shrugged “– so it’s hard not to remember”
The older hummed in response and went back to reading. Not really giving much of a chance to continue the conversation.
“Alright, take care” said Sunoo. Squaring his shoulders as he walked away.
There used to be a time when they talked for hours. Wishing the minutes wouldn’t pass so they could stay in their little bubble for a little longer.
It was so eerie. Knowing so much about a person, yet feeling so distant from them.
It had been Sunoo’s first year at uni.
Everything was so new, both terrifying and exciting.
He had been trying to make conversation with anyone that would listen.
Induction week passed like a breeze and he still felt like he needed to meet so many more people and get to explore the university a little more.
For how early it was in the semester, Sunoo already had a lot of homework that he was supposed to be doing. But even that seemed exciting at the moment.
After almost getting lost on his way to the library, Sunoo finally found all the books he needed and was walking around with them cradled in his arms.
He was wandering around looking for a place to sit down. His eyes scanning every inch of the already massive library.
Technically there were a lot of empty seats for him to take. But he was looking for the perfect place to do his work, it was gonna take him the whole afternoon after all.
Right then something caught his eyes, or rather someone.
Another student was sitting all by himself at a table that was tucked away in a rather unlit corner of the library. Their neck was craned up, rested on the chair’s back, and a book was plopped open flat on their face. They were taking a nap.
Sunoo approached the sleeping student with a skip in his step, rather intrigued but also decided to claim the seat next to them.
Once he got comfortable and had his books all settled and arranged in order of priority, Sunoo felt someone’s eyes on him. He turned his head and at that moment he locked eyes with the now awake boy.
“Hi there-“ he half whispered to the stranger “–I didn’t mean to disturb you. My name is Sunoo. Sorry if I’m a bother”.
The guy’s sleepy face quickly morphed into one of the prettiest smiles Sunoo had ever seen. So bright it made his heart ache.
“Hi. I’m Heeseung. And relax, you’re not bothering anyone ”
Heeseung… the name fitted his face. A handsome name.
“Then, Heeseung-shi. Do you mind if I stay here for a while? I promise to not make a sound so you can sleep in peace. I just… don’t want to sit alone"
That afternoon, instead of sleeping, Heeseung laid his head on his arms and spent the passing hours watching Sunoo do his homework. It ought to have been awkward. But Sunoo found it comforting if anything.
He would even ask some silly questions every now and then to break the silence and Heeseung would give him very long and elaborate answers, not really minding if Sunoo was actually listening or not.
When the sun had set and it was time for the two of them to go, Sunoo asked to borrow Heeseung’s phone and casually saved his own phone number there. When he gave it back he told the upperclassman.
"I’m still pretty clueless about a couple of things here at uni. So I hope you don’t mind me reaching out to ask for some help every once in a while”
Heeseung had taken his phone back, amused. And bid his goodbyes saying.
“It was very nice to meet you Sunoo. I hope we run into each other again“
And oh ‘run into each other’ they did. In fact, the next couple of weeks they would see each other almost every day.
They would always end up seeking out the other. Whether it was after a hectic day of lectures or on a slow weekend. Sunoo would always be glued to his phone, waiting for a text from Heeseung to pop up. And Heeseung, he would be at Sunoo’s beck and call.
If Sunoo said over a phone call that he was craving something sweet, twenty minutes later Heeseung would be at his front door with a tub of mint-choco ice cream (that he hated) and a cup of instant ramen for himself.
If Sunoo said that he was feeling lonely, Heeseung would offer to let him sleep over at his dorm. They could binge watch some shows and talk until late at night, he’d said.
One particular night, Sunoo had been sitting on Heeseung's tiny dorm bed. His laptop opened in front of him as he was preparing a set of questions for an interview that he had to do for a class project.
Heeseung was on his desk playing League of Legends with his older brother and some of his friends.
Every now and then Sunoo would laugh at the nonsense the older shouted in the heat of the game. He himself knew a thing or two about games which made it funnier.
Sunoo didn’t quite catch what his brother had asked because of the head set. But he heard Heeseung clearly as he spoke into the mic.
“Oh no, that’s just my roommate. Yeah, I’m hanging by myself”
Okay, ouch. Sunoo had come to notice that Heeseung never introduced him to any of his classmates, nor did he ever tell his brother of his existence. As far as he knew Heeseung was indeed a loner, but he still somehow managed to hide Sunoo from the few people he did know.
Sunoo knew it wasn’t a big deal. But it stung, because Sunoo himself told everyone and their mothers about this guy he met named Heeseung, and how cool he was, and how smart he was, and how happy he was to spend as much time as he could with him. Yet the guy’s older brother thought Sunoo was some nameless roommate that his little brother didn’t care about.
He brushed it off though. Because that’s what you do when you believe something is worth the headache. Or in this case, the heartache.
Months passed, and Sunoo had finally convinced Heeseung to go to an amusement park with him.
It was something he had always wanted to do with him, but the older was always either too busy or too lazy to do so.
This time Heeseung had simply asked.
“Is it really that fun?”
Before wrapping Sunoo into a hug and complying to whatever plans the younger had.
Now at the park, Sunoo dragged his hyung around by his hoodie’s sleeve from one queue to the other. Their hair a mess from the roller-coaster rides and their hands full of the beloved (and overpriced) snacks.
Heeseung turned out to be quite the scaredy cat when it came to heights.
But the older pulled through.
Sunoo’s camera roll was getting full. Heeseung insisted he was camera shy, yet looked majestic in the few pictures Sunoo managed to sneak of him.
When Sunoo took a quick detour to the bathroom, he came back to Heeseung holding a big fluffy cotton candy shaped like a flower.
“I saw it and I thought you’d like it”
“Awww”
Sunoo took it and his cheeks hurt from smiling so hard. He did in fact like cotton candy, but never as much as he did at that moment.
When their stomachs had already twisted and turned enough from thrill rides. Heeseung had suggested something more tame for their last one. And with his hands in his pocket he nodded toward the huge Ferris wheel standing in front of them.
It was already dark and the wheel’s lights shone brightly, painting theirs and other park-goers’ faces in different vivid colors.
Once they were sitting in front of one another in the little glass cabin, Sunoo felt a light flutter in his chest.
Heeseung was looking out the window. The night lights illuminating his soft features.
He was humming one of those old fashioned songs that he knew by heart as he lifted his phone to take some pictures of the view.
Sunoo loved this type of ride; he loved the height, he loved the view, he loved the calm pace. But now all he could think of was Heeseung; the boy sitting in front of him, the boy that always came to his mind when people talked about fate, the boy that felt like he fitted right into Sunoo’s life.
“Please, love me”
Sunoo realized instantly that he had spoken his thoughts out loud. He ought to be horrified. But actually it felt nice to finally have let it out of his chest.
He held eye contact as Heeseung turned around, finally tearing his eyes away from the window to look at Sunoo.
The older could have pretended to mishear what Sunoo just said, but he didn’t.
“Are you asking me to love you?”
Sunoo nodded. He wasn’t the type to back away.
Heeseung looked at the ground and scoffed a bit before pulling his head back up, a shy smile on his face.
“I thought that’d be my line. Sunoo, you don’t have to ask. –“ he leaned forward in his seat “– Falling in love with you has been the easiest thing I’ve ever done. And it’s the only thing I’ve been doing for the past months”
Heeseung sounded resolute, but his ears were bright red.
Sunoo smiled, his heart beating so fast his chest hurt.
Without wasting any more time, he cupped Heeseung’s cheek and leaned forward for a kiss. A KISS!
It was sweet and rushed.
They both couldn’t help but giggle at their own lack of kissing skills. Yet it was the most perfect kiss. It was everything they’ve wanted and more. The taste of Heeseung’s lips was now imprinted in his memory.
Sunoo had thought he had just found the love of his life.
He was naïve, of course.
After having spaced out during the entire conversation with Riki and his friends, Sunoo headed home with a slightly heavier heart than usual.
Once in the kitchen of the house Sunoo tried to see if something tasty would magically spawn in the fridge and improve his mood. It didn’t.
As he disappointedly closed the fridge, he heard footsteps coming down the stairs. Sunoo whipped his head towards whoever was coming and as soon as he saw them a big smile grew on his face.
“Hyung! If you keep looking at your phone like that you’re gonna fall off the stairs one of these days!”
Sunghoon looked up from his phone and his eyebrows relaxed into a gentler expression when he found Sunoo.
“My knee is already fucked, what’s a little fall gonna do?”
Sunoo covered his mouth scandalized for a moment and then he started to laugh. Sunghoon followed suit.
“Hyung, are you busy right now? There’s this new drama on Netflix…”
Sunghoon, who had now reached the kitchen counter and was standing in front of him, shrugged.
“I do have some assignments, but I can do them here on the couch and with Netflix on”
“But you wouldn’t be playing any attention to the show then”
“Do you want my company or not?”
Sunoo rolled his eyes, a smile still on his face.
“Alright, whatever you say. I’ll make the popcorn while you bring down your stuff, okay?”
“Roger that”
Well, his mood did improve after all.