Chapter Text
“Jinyoung. Right. I only now asked his name before you came in.” Jackson says with a short chuckle as Jinyoung looks away.
“What were you guys talking about?” Mark asks.
Jinyoung doesn’t know why he’s unable to say anything and Jackson responds pretty much normally.
Of course everything’s normal.
“Nothing, I was just telling him about you guys being the worst friends ever.” Jackson says and Jinyoung looks back at him to see him pouting a little.
Jackson now looks normal too.
“And Jinyoung-sshi here was laughing at my unfortunate ass.” Jinyoung snorts. “See he isn’t even denying.”
Mark only shakes his head. “Sorry on his behalf if he was whining your ears off.” Mark says to Jinyoung.
“Hey!”
“He wasn’t. It’s alright.” Jinyoung finally smiles a little at him, his nerves settling down. “He’s actually quite funny and…was a good company.” Jinyoung says and finds Jackson giving him a smile, it’s small but it’s not forced anymore.
It’s the same smile he received before when they were talking.
They’re fine.
Everything’s fine.
“Don’t fuel his ego anymore Jinyoung, he’s already insufferable.” Mark quips and finds Jackson whining again in response.
Jinyoung chuckles.
Jackson’s way too cute.
Wait stop thinking he’s cute, Jinyoung immediately schools his expression.
He shivers a little as another chilly breeze hits him.
“Let’s go inside, it’s getting cold.” Jackson suggests instantly.
He noticed, Jinyoung thinks for a second before Mark nods and they head back to the living room again.
He isn’t alone anymore because Jackson introduces him as Mark’s date to the group they approach and tries to include him in most of the conversation they have.
If Jinyoung was trying to not feel anything about that man, he’s definitely making it difficult with how seen and valued he’s making him feel right now.
“Youngjae, Jinyoung gave me ideas on how to take revenge on you, you better watch out.” Jackson tries to threaten Youngjae and it’s so funny.
He’s so dumb.
“If you just tell him in advance that you’re going to do something, what even is the point?” Jinyoung giggles.
This man is painfully dumb and cute.
Jackson looks at him, furrowing his eyebrows and Jinyoung wants to pinch his cheeks.
He can’t stop giggling, this is so annoying. He needs to stop drinking forever.
“That’s Jackson for you.” Mark comments.
“He can’t do shit.” Bambam also adds, laughing.
Their other friends he doesn’t remember the names of also join in the laughter, each one taking a dig at Jackson and Jinyoung realizes none of the stuffs he said was too exaggerated. Jackson doesn’t mind as it’s all fun banter but Jinyoung thinks he tries to make people laugh at his own expense which makes him a little uncomfortable but it seems everyone’s used to Jackson being like this.
May be that’s why Jackson looked surprised when Jinyoung said something other than him being funny.
He knows he’s funny. He makes people laugh.
But his friends got too comfortable and now they laugh at his expense.
Even Mark.
Jinyoung’s social battery soon starts to drain and he becomes quieter by the second.
The ‘jokes’ Mark’s friends are making start to sound annoying and Jinyoung realizes it’s better to go home now. He’s been at the party for enough time already.
“Mark.” He whispers to him and gestures to move aside to a quieter place.
“What’s up?”
“It’s getting late, I wanna go home.”
“Do you want me to give you a lift?” Mark asks.
“No no, it’s fine. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Alright. Take care Jinyoung.”
“You too.” Jinyoung’s eyes drift to where his group was and his eyes lock with Jackson’s.
His heart quickens again for a second.
Was he looking at us the whole time? Jinyoung wonders.
They walk back to the group as they bid him goodbye and he can feel Jackson’s eyes on him the whole time. Even when he looks back at him, he doesn’t shift his eyes away.
But the expression is unreadable.
Jinyoung wishes he could know what Jackson is thinking right now.
Though it doesn’t really matter.
It shouldn’t matter.
The way Jackson’s looking at him is making him feel nervous and curious and he wants to ask a lot of things.
But he doesn’t and neither does Jackson.
Uncharacteristically he stays quiet and only bids him goodbye before he leaves.
Jinyoung finally sighs as he closes the door behind him.
This was one of the weirdest nights he’s had in a while.
But that one hour….that one hour conversation with that man— that one hour probably felt a little too good.
That one hour with Jackson felt better than anything actually.
A week goes by quickly and Jinyoung feels exhausted with all the college work. It’s his final year and it’s more hectic than ever. He barely even hung out with Jaebeom— he was that busy.
So when Mark asks to take him to a basketball game, he refused it at first.
It’s on the weekend and he needs to not go out and do anything on the weekend.
He needs a break.
“You’d like it though. Jackson is playing and we’re all going to support and cheer for him. The games are always interesting.”
Jackson.
That’s all he heard.
He hasn’t heard of this name in a week.
Jinyoung brushed off whatever happened that night or whatever did not happen or whatever he felt the next morning when he woke up.
It was stupid.
He was just drunk or at least tipsy so it would explain why he was feeling like that.
And then he got busy so the thought of him didn’t occur to him much.
It was just a silly, fun conversation that both of them enjoyed and that was it. There was nothing more.
So now why is he having a hard time trying to justify his racing heartbeat?
And that sudden urge to go and watch a basketball match when he’s not into sports at all also doesn’t make sense.
“Oh.” Jinyoung mutters. “Um ah I think yeah- okay um.” He also can’t explain why he’s suddenly fumbling with words.
“What?”
Is he really going to do this?
Just for a man?
A man he isn’t even dating?
“Okay. I’ll go.” Jinyoung slowly breathes out.
Yes he will.
Not for Jackson, just because I want to watch a basketball match, I should experience all the college life things, Jinyoung tries to reassure himself.
He might be tired as hell on Sunday.
But who needs a break anyway, right?
Jinyoung’s jaw is dropped.
Since the moment his eyes landed on Jackson as he entered the court, he’s been staring at him with his mouth agape shamelessly.
He’s losing it.
And Mark clearly forgot to mention how good Jackson is.
Jackson is not just looking good in his jersey and with that tiny bun but he’s extremely good at playing which is just making him look 100x hotter.
Jinyoung wants to smack his head for thinking this way while he’s sitting with the guy he’s dating but it’s painfully difficult to ignore how attractive Jackson is dribbling, shooting, weaving between defenders. He seems to dance with the ball, his movements fluid and controlled.
He has Jinyoung in a trance and Jinyoung only feels more and more mesmerized with each passing seconds.
Is there anything this man isn’t good at?
“Jackson is so good.” He speaks his thoughts out loud when Jackson shoots the ball from almost the other corner of the court and it goes in, scoring them another point.
“I know right. He’s the star player of our college. He’s actually played against your college too and won.” Mark says.
Only then Jinyoung shifts his widening eyes to him.
“He did?”
“Yeah.”
Jinyoung’s surprised expression turns into a frown thinking about all the times he missed Jackson playing basketball in his own college.
I could’ve met him before, Jinyoung muses.
He really isn’t into sports at all but he mentally swears to always keep an update about this from now on.
He’s never missing another game of Jackson, ever.
The thought catches him off-guard but the loud cheer brings him back to the reality.
The scoreboard is pretty clear, Jackson’s team is easily winning this. The cheers soon get louder as the clock almost times out and they get their victory.
The last point is scored by Jackson as the final buzzer echoes across the basketball court and the crowd erupts into a loud applause for the team.
The corners of Jinyoung’s lips tug into a smile as he finds Jackson excitedly jumping on one of his teammates, his face beaming with excitement and happiness.
This Jackson that he saw today was totally different than the Jackson he saw that night and it warms his heart realizing just how much he loves it. One can see it on his face just how much he enjoys playing.
The crowd gradually disperses and Jackson starts walking towards them with a towel around his neck, his face still glistening with sweat.
Jinyoung absolutely doesn’t find him attractive, nope.
Nope.
Jackson’s face breaks into a big grin as soon as he spots him. His friends are about to congratulate him when he fully ignores them and stands in front of Jinyoung.
“You came.” Jackson says softly with a hint of fondness and surprise in his voice. “I told Mark to bring you but I didn’t think you’d actually come.”
“You did?” Jinyoung asks, feeling a little dizzy.
It was Jackson who wanted me here? Jackson asked about me? A thousand questions crowd his mind as he takes in the information.
“Oh yeah. He wasn’t feeling it because of all the school work but agreed at the end.” Mark responds on his behalf because he just remains quiet, gawking at Jackson.
“Well I’m glad.” Jackson says, still smiling at Jinyoung and then Bambam slings his arm around his neck, congratulating him and Jackson finally focuses his attention to his friends—screeching in his loud voice, bragging and asking them about every cool thing he thinks he did, trying to get their approval.
They all shower him with compliments and praises, not without some remarks here and there though.
Jackson also nags them with his pouting and whining to say some more nice things and they oblige after much reluctance.
He craves affection and love from his loved ones, though some might find it annoying, Jinyoung’s heart tingles with warmth again seeing how childlike and pure his heart is.
Once they’re done with Jackson’s silly antics, they decide to move to their next destination which is dinner at their favorite Chinese restaurant to celebrate Jackson’s win. Apparently it’s their tradition and they never miss it unless something urgent comes up.
They finally leave the place after Jackson freshens up and changes into his casual wear and Jinyoung feels awkward to tell Mark that he can’t go, he shouldn’t but it still feels awkward. It’s a celebration after all and he was with them the whole game.
His hands fumble with anxiety when Jackson looks at him.
He hasn’t been able to congratulate him yet as well, that’s another thing making him anxious. He was just all the time surrounded by people to wish him till now.
Jinyoung stands a little away from them as the group of friends argues about something he has no idea of and Jackson finally looks at him.
He walks to him as soon as their eyes meet and Jinyoung curses inwardly for the way his heart reacts again.
“Aren’t you coming?” Jackson asks when he’s close enough, his voice not loud enough for others to hear and Jinyoung feels grateful that he didn’t put him on the spotlight. He’s also surprised at how Jackson just knew what’s bothering him.
This is literally the second time they met, he shouldn’t already be able to read Jinyoung this well.
He feels a dull ache in his heart when Jackson speaks again. “It’s okay if you can’t, okay? Don’t worry about it. I know you got college on Monday and will feel tired. You should go home and rest up.” Jackson reassures him and Jinyoung almost swoons.
He just knew?
Just like that?
It was that easy?
“Thanks Jackson.” Jinyoung finally speaks with a genuine smile. “And congratulations on the win. You guys were amazing out there. You…were amazing.”
“Thanks Jinyoung.” Jackson replies, almost shyly, his smile reminding him of a squirtle.
“Can I expect you in my next matches? There isn’t one any time soon though.” Jackson asks, rubbing the back of his neck. The confident Jackson he knows, looking a little nervous.
“Yeah, yeah you can. I’ll try to be there if I’m free.” The wide grin Jinyoung receives in response from Jackson takes all of his worries away in an instant.
Jackson just makes everything seem so easy and makes him comfortable, in a way not a lot of people can.
“I’ll see you some other time then. Goodnight Jinyoung. Thanks for coming again.” He says and walks back to the others with Jinyoung following him.
He lets Mark know without any hesitance and leaves after a quick exchange of goodbyes with others.
When Jinyoung slumps down on his bed that night, he tries to come up with explanation for the way Jackson’s making him feel.
He can’t come up with anything.
He can’t blame the alcohol anymore, he did not even have a sip of it tonight.
Was it the adrenaline rush of winning the game?
He was not playing the game, that’s not even his college. Why would he feel adrenaline rush?
This is stupid.
Jinyoung groans as he pulls the comforter over his head.
This is bad.
This is so bad.
His heart has started acting up for Jackson when it shouldn’t.
He’s literally dating his friend, a close one at that.
Then why is Jackson making him feel all sort of shit when he doesn’t even feel anything for Mark?
Mark is nice, Mark’s a good guy, he’s dating Mark.
Jackson is just….Jackson.
The craziest thing is, Jackson isn’t even his type. All the things that normally bother him, it doesn’t anymore when Jackson does it.
Not his loud voice, not his dramatic antics, not his craving for attention, not even his whining.
This is absolutely crazy and Jinyoung simply can’t wrap his head around it.
And he knows Jackson isn’t feeling any of this, whatever this is.
He’s naturally a caring, friendly person who makes everyone around him feel special.
Jinyoung isn’t any different.
He needs to bury these feelings inside and never think of him again like that.
He needs to think of him as only a friend too.
This would be wrong and very unfair to Mark otherwise.
A little voice inside his head tells him that they aren’t really in a relationship so it’d be fine but Jinyoung shakes those musings away.
He can’t entertain this thought.
Jinyoung groans again and kicks the comforter away.
Why did things get complex?
He’s literally dating Mark because it felt easy with him.
Why is his heart making it complicated now?
He sees Jackson twice after that. One time when Mark takes him to his college and another time when all of their friends gather at a café for a random hangout.
Funny thing is, this is also the only two times he sees Mark. Since Jinyoung got to know his friend group, Mark suggests to hang out all together. Jinyoung declines the offers most of the time.
Partly because he actually is busy with his college and partly because he’s trying to avoid Jackson as much as he can.
His stupid heart sometimes falters though.
That’s how he ended up at his college and their hangout.
Jinyoung tried to not look at his way or talk to him much but Jackson made it pretty difficult. Despite Jinyoung not initiating any conversation, Jackson always asked him stuffs that he had to answer and each time he answered more than necessary.
Jackson gave him his utmost attention as he always did before.
That’s how he is.
Always attentive, always friendly. With not just him but with everyone.
Jinyoung shouldn’t feel anything when he looks at him with those big brown eyes and smiles.
They never ever talked about anything remotely not platonic. It’s random things like what food Jinyoung liked or an embarrassing thing he did.
Jinyoung, despite himself, falls into a fit of laughter every time.
And the more that man makes him laugh, the more his feelings seem to grow.
“You’re just so….” Jinyoung manages to say between his fit of giggles.
“What? Handsome? Gorgeous? Extremely cute?” Jackson says with his hyena-like laughter and everyone at the table groans. Everyone except Jinyoung. He simply can’t stop laughing every time he talks or does anything.
“Jinyoung is laughing now but give him some time, he’ll start to find it corny as well.” Mark retorts.
Jinyoung folds his mouth into a thin line, trying to suppress his giggles and he wants to say that he doesn’t think Jackson will never not make him laugh. But he keeps it inside.
“No Jinyoung just has better sense of humor than all of you.” Jackson bites back. “I’ve actually started to like him more than I like you guys. He understands the art of my humor.” He makes a face at the others and they just roll their eyes at him.
It’s only Jinyoung who feels his heart violently pounding against his chest.
This comment was so innocent and Jackson’s clearly joking but Jinyoung wishes his heart could understand that and not act so stupid.
Just a little comment makes his brain slow down and quiet, quieter than he was before. If Jackson noticed it, he didn’t say anything.
After their last hangout, Jinyoung decides to not see him at all anymore. So he refuses every time Mark brings up hanging out with his friends and only goes on dates with him alone, which lessens down a lot too. And when they do go on a date, there’s barely any conversation. They spend a few hours with small talks and eat or wander around for a while and go home.
Mark tried to hold his hand the other day and it felt so awkward, Jinyoung was breaking out in sweats because of how embarrassing it felt.
It shouldn’t though. It’s been more than a month since they started going out, it should be pretty normal to hold hands, hell they should be kissing right now.
But Jinyoung feels…nothing.
There’s still no moment with him where he’d feel his heart fluttering. Jinyoung assumes may be it’s because they haven’t spent much alone time together. He can count in one hand the amount of dates they’ve been on.
He also doesn’t think he should break things off with him, Mark didn’t give him any reason to. He’s still as nice as ever.
And those feelings that he started to harbor for another man, he can ignore it. He can push it away.
It doesn’t matter.
Or so he thought.
Youngjae’s got this family lake house in the countryside just outside Seoul and Jinyoung is invited. They had been planning for this trip for a long time and Youngjae specially asked for him to come.
Apparently all of Mark’s friends like him a lot. They like his company. And Mark would like it too if he could come.
Jinyoung has turned down all of their hangout plans the past two weeks. He managed to avoid Jackson successfully for two weeks.
But he really wants to go this time. Not for any man. But because he genuinely needs to escape the hustle and bustle of Seoul and more importantly his college for at least a day. The semester is ending and it’s literally kicking his ass right now.
He desperately needed a break before his exams.
And this honestly seems like the perfect getaway.
So he mulls over it for a minute or two and agrees. He can hear Mark’s excitement over the phone and smiles to himself.
This is going to be good for him.
For them.
Jinyoung could not be more wrong.
He meets Jackson after two weeks at their meeting place as they planned to go all together in one car- by all it means, just Mark, Jackson, Bambam and Youngjae. These four are basically tight and are all the time together, the others come and go. Youngjae inviting him when there’s no other outsider, not even their friends definitely makes him feel good.
Jackson greets him a good morning excitedly like he always does and Jinyoung only mumbles a little good morning back to him before immediately getting into the car. He probably can’t fully avoid him today but he’ll try to keep the interaction limited.
Jackson drives them there with music and their laughter blasting in the car, he’s thankful no one expected him to talk or anything, not even Jackson and it doesn’t take long before they reach at the lake house. Jinyoung’s eyes widen as he gets off the car, looking at how picturesque the place is. The autumn colors surrounding them are giving it the exact vibe that you’d see in movies and Jinyoung instantly feels excited.
The place seems very quiet except for the chirping birds and the house just looks hauntingly beautiful surrounded by the tall trees. From the wide front porch, you could see the calm lake shimmering in the distance.
They take their belongings and other stuffs from the car one by one and enter the house.
The house is big but it’s also cozy and feels warm with soft colors and lots of sunlight streaming in through big windows. He drops all the food items in the kitchen which is also spacious and nice and steps out with the others after they’re done checking out the rooms.
Surprised gasps are heard when they find kayaks in front of the long wooden deck on the lake.
“Yo we have to do this!” Bambam shrieks.
“We will but let’s eat something first, I’m starving.” Youngjae announces and gets back inside with Mark following him. Bambam walks towards the deck and Jinyoung also starts to follow him but then Jackson speaks up, slowing him down.
“This place is really beautiful, isn’t it?” He asks from the side. Jinyoung doesn’t turn to him and responds looking ahead.
“Yeah it is.” He breathes out. He wasn’t expecting to talk to Jackson already and it’s making him nervous.
“The water must be cold though or we could’ve gotten in.” He speaks again and Jinyoung only nods.
“How are you by the way?”
Oh Jackson.
“I’m good.” Jinyoung finally turns to him and finds him gazing at him again with those attentive eyes. “You?”
“I’m doing good too.” He responds with a smile. “Haven’t really seen you in a while.”
“I was busy, my exams are coming up.” Jinyoung mumbles.
How do I stop talking to him? Should I just leave abruptly? That’d look odd, Jinyoung thinks.
“I thought so. That’s why suggested Youngjae to invite you too. You could take a break, it must be tough at college right now.” Jackson sympathizes and Jinyoung wants to cry.
Can Jackson not be so thoughtful?
Does he not know what he’s doing to him by being like this?
Why does he care?
He shouldn’t care about him like this or Jinyoung will literally fall in love.
Jinyoung takes a deep breath. “Yeah yeah it’s tough.” He doesn’t know if he’s talking about his college or his current situation. “Umm I should go and eat something.” Jinyoung blurts out and rushes out of there without waiting for an answer.
He needs to stay miles away from that man if he wants to protect his stupid heart.
Who cares if it looks odd?
Jinyoung doesn’t meet Jackson’s eyes anymore after that and tries his best to avoid being in the same space with him. He’s pretty sure at some point Jackson will pick up on it because he’s always attentive to Jinyoung but he doesn’t really care.
They change into comfier clothes appropriate for kayaking and head over to the deck.
“I’m not doing it.” Mark comments.
“Why?” Jinyoung asks. He was looking forward to doing this together with him. They barely do any ‘stuff’ together.
“It’s boring.”
“You’re boring.” Bambam quips from the side.
“Shut up.”
“Let’s do it together, hm?” Jinyoung tries to make a puppy face but he thinks he failed because Mark just shakes his head.
“You do it, I’m gonna skip this.” Mark says and Jinyoung actually feels disappointed.
He pouts and Youngjae speaks up. “Leave him Jinyoung, you and I can do it together. His boring ass can sit here alone.”
“Excuse me, I’m not getting on the boat with Jacks.” Bambam quips.
“Well I’m not doing it either.” Youngjae shrugs.
“I’m standing right here you guys what the fuck!” Jackson exclaims incredulously.
“Love you buddy but I’m not taking the chance of drowning in case you turn our boat over.” Bambam remarks.
“The fuck why would I do that?!”
“You could, I’m not taking that chance either. I’d rather stick to Bam.” Youngjae adds.
“That solves it. Jinyoung should do it with Jackson.” Jinyoung almost comically widens his eyes, hearing the suggestion.
He’s absolutely not spending an hour or so with Jackson alone on the lake.
Nope.
“No!” He blurts out and snaps his head to Jackson to find his face falling visibly at his response.
Fuck.
“I mean—uh.”
“It’s fine, no one needs to do it with me I’ll do it alone.” Jackson actually looks hurt as he turns around and Jinyoung’s heart drops.
Fuck he’d do anything to not hurt this man.
“No- wait Jackson I’ll do it with you.” Jinyoung almost yells out.
“It’s fine Jinyoung, you don’t need to pity me.” He mutters in a low voice.
“I’m not.” Jinyoung hurriedly reaches out and holds his wrist so he can’t move further away and Jackson’s eyes drift down to their hands. Realizing what he just did, Jinyoung quickly retreats his hand. “I’m not pitying you. Let’s do it together.”
This is a really bad decision but Jinyoung is physically unable to see a frown on his face.
Jackson’s eyes are still cast downward to his wrist while he seems to ponder over it for a few seconds before looking up and giving him a smile that he’s trying to suppress. “Fine.” Jackson rolls his eyes and turns around with a spring under his toe. And there’s that dramatic Jackson he knows and loves just knows.
“I can’t believe what I just saw.” Bambam comments and Jinyoung’s heart skips a beat.
Right, they all were watching them.
Was it weird?
“He’s started guilt-tripping you as well.” He adds.
Jinyoung scoffs.
“Stop pulling his leg so much Bambam.” Jinyoung says which earns him an amused arch of an eyebrow from Bambam. This time, he kind of doesn’t care if it sounds weird.
They need to learn to not always throw remarks at Jackson.
“Alright alright. Let’s go YJ.” He giggles and gets into the kayak with Youngjae, immediately pushing it off the shore.
He turns around to find Jackson wearing a life jacket and when he walks over to him, he silently hands him one. As Jinyoung’s done securing it tight, Jackson already got into the kayak and extends his hand.
There it is again. Butterflies. Lots and lots of them erupting in his stomach.
This is why he should’ve stayed away.
And still Jinyoung hesitantly reaches out and takes his hand.
A surge of warmth shoots through his body as soon as his hand comes in contact with Jackson’s and he can feel his whole body tingling.
It’s everything he has ever wanted to feel and everything he’s trying to avoid to feel.
How can a simple hand hold be this electrifying?
This makes no sense.
Jackson’s hand doesn’t leave his until he’s seated properly in the kayak. And when he does, Jinyoung can feel the immediate loss of warmth in his hand. He almost huffs loudly.
They silently push off from the shore and with each stroke of the paddle, the kayak glides further out onto the calm waters of the lake.
Jinyoung is glad he’s sitting behind Jackson, he couldn’t handle thinking about his eyes on him otherwise.
He still can’t handle it though.
The feeling and image of Jackson’s firm hand holding his replaying in his head over and over again.
They’re completely alone right now, he can see Mark sitting with a juice and his eyes glued to his phone on the deck and the other two are far from them as well. So yeah they are very alone and very together right now in the middle of a lake and Jinyoung can’t even dash out if he wants to, no way to escape Jackson.
He feels a flutter of nerves in his stomach when Jackson finally speaks up.
“Are you avoiding me by any chance?” He asks, straight to the point. Jinyoung could confess everything right now, he could tell him the truth.
But he doesn’t.
“No.” He answers.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes Jackson I’m not avoiding you.” It feels bad to lie when he definitely is doing that and Jackson also noticed it.
“Okay…” He trails off. “I hope you don’t if you are. I don’t know if I did anything wrong or hurt you, if I did, I’m sorry.”
Jinyoung can’t see his face but he knows Jackson’s eyes must look very sincere right now, it’s evident in his voice.
Oh Jackson.
“You never did anything wrong Jackson, you don’t have to apologize.” It’s all me, Jinyoung thinks.
“No but seriously though, you must’ve seen how loud I can get by now. I sometimes annoy people too much without realizing. And you’re only just becoming my friend, I don’t want to scare you away.” He says.
Friend, yeah.
“You need to stop thinking you annoy people a lot. If people really were annoyed, they wouldn’t wanna be around you. But see you got so many friends.” Jinyoung says, his eyes fixed on the back of his head. Jackson can’t see him but he hopes he can hear how serious Jinyoung is.
“Not everyone is my friend though. These three are my actual friends. I know they get annoyed from time to time but they also love me a lot.” Jackson says with fondness. “But yeah I don’t wanna scare you away with my annoying ass.” Jackson chuckles.
“Will you stop saying that?” Jinyoung swats his back and Jackson screams very dramatically. “I did not hit you that hard for you to scream.”
“You most definitely did Jinyoung, I knew you didn’t like me!” Jackson exclaims while halting his paddling and whips his head around to face Jinyoung.
“Wha- how- where did you get that from?” Jinyoung asks with disbelief at his sudden outburst. You can never really predict anything with this man.
“So you do like me?
Jinyoung’s paddling comes to a sudden stop, just like his heart.
Jackson’s looking at him with his eyes glinting with mirth but Jinyoung finds absolutely nothing about this question amusing.
He knows Jackson’s just asking him this as a friend and he’s clearly doing what he normally does with his friends, riling them up for attention.
He knows all that.
But his heart again doesn’t seem to catch on it as it clenches.
He doesn’t have the answer.
He actually does.
But he doesn’t want to voice it out.
Or it’ll become too real.
“You’re not unlikable.” He says instead, choosing a safe answer. This sounds stupid even to his ears and Jackson bursts into his screeching laughter which makes Jinyoung chuckle too.
“You’re actually unconventionally very funny, do you know that?” He says and Jinyoung shakes his head with a smile.
He’s the unfunniest person he knows.
“Well you are. I’m sure you make Mark laugh a lot too.” And there’s that reminder again.
He totally forgot about everyone else, where they are- again. Jinyoung turns his head to spot Mark on the deck but he doesn’t find him there. Mark left.
Jinyoung sighs.
“I never really make him laugh.”
“It’s because he’s got zero sense of humor, not you. You easily make me laugh.” Jackson says with a reassuring smile and it warms Jinyoung’s whole being. “I told you before Park Jinyoung, you’re a good company. Mark is lucky to have you.”
The sun is casting a warm glow over the water, its surface shimmering like liquid gold beneath the clear blue sky. Around them, the trees are whispering softly in the breeze, their leaves rustling in a soothing melody.
And Jackson’s gazing at him with the prettiest and kindest eyes in the world.
Everything seems so beautiful, so close, yet so out of reach.
Jinyoung’s heart eventually gives in and they spend an hour on the lake kayaking. And this one hour feels better than the weeks he spent avoiding him.
He wanted to avoid feeling this ‘better’ thing.
But it just feels so good to hear Jackson cracking his silly jokes, to hear him laughing at his own jokes, at Jinyoung’s jokes, to bicker with him over who’s not paddling right, to tease each other, to hear Jackson throwing random compliments at him which keeps making him swoon.
Even the silence with Jackson feels so good, so right.
What is he even doing?
He should’ve been feeling these things with Mark, it should’ve felt right with the person he’s dating, not with his friend.
And yet here he is.
Youngjae and Bambam both fall asleep right away after coming back from the lake and Jinyoung finds Mark in the living room, playing on xbox.
“You should’ve come with us instead of rotting here idiot.” Jackson says and throws his towel at Mark.
He dodges it skillfully, his eyes still glued to the TV and Jackson heads over to one of the rooms to take rest as well.
Jinyoung doesn’t say anything and walks over to the sofa to sit beside him.
“Have you been here this whole time?” Jinyoung asks and Mark hums. “Is something bothering you?” Jinyoung asks again because Mark isn’t even bothering to pause the game and look at him.
“I don’t know.” He shrugs.
“You don’t know?”
“Yeah.”
That’s it? Again? Does Jinyoung really like such nonchalant behavior? Does he really like no intimacy? Does he really like not talking at all?
He really thought Mark was exactly his type but it’s started to feel like he was never looking forward to any of this in anyone.
Jinyoung loves talking to people he likes, he loves to laugh until his stomach hurts, he doesn’t like nonchalance, he loves fighting and bickering and silly banters, he loves his space but he also loves to share it with someone he loves, he loves to hug and hold hands and be clingy.
Jinyoung’s mind has started to picture someone who he does these things with and he shakes his head to push those thoughts away.
Resigning himself to the situation, Jinyoung sinks back into the sofa, his gaze drifting to the window where the sunlight dances upon the water's surface. They sit there in silence God knows for how long and it doesn’t feel comfortable to him anymore.
He can feel the disconnection hanging in the air between them.
When he hears Bambam calling out their names, he sighs.
Jinyoung rises from his seat, a heavy feeling settling in the pit of his stomach. He had hoped for so much more from this day but sometimes, despite our best efforts, things simply don't go as planned.
“Let’s go. We need to start preparing for the BBQ.”
“Just give me a sec.” Mark says. Jinyoung stares at him for a few seconds and leaves with another quiet sigh.
He feels more distant than ever.
Mark joins them eventually and he seems chill like he always is, trying to talk to Jinyoung again as if he didn’t even look at him properly quite literally the whole day. This just annoys him more.
Jinyoung sometimes finds Jackson stealing glances at him but he quickly shifts his gaze away whenever Jinyoung looks at his way.
Dinner is usual.
Jackson and Bambam being their usual selves which is being clowns and making the whole table shake with laughter. The sound of Youngjae’s laughter is actually what making the table shake, he’s pretty sure. He tries to join in but that uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach remains.
The sense of disconnection from it all remains.
Everything feels wrong and Jinyoung still doesn’t let himself come to the conclusion.
He knows what needs to be done.
He knows it.
And yet.
Jinyoung heads over to the deck on the lake after their dinner while the others decided to play cards inside.
The lake looks more beautiful in the moonlight.
The reflection of the moon on the surface of the water making it look otherworldly.
The air is chilly and feels nice and Jinyoung’s gaze is fixed on the shimmering surface.
Lost in his thoughts, he hardly notices the approaching footsteps until Jackson's figure emerges from the shadows.
“Hey.” Jackson says softly, offering Jinyoung the mug of coffee in his hand.
Jinyoung glances up, meeting his gaze briefly before returning his attention to the lake with the coffee, its warmth seeping into his hand. “Thanks.” He replies.
Jackson settles beside him, the wooden planks creaking slightly under his weight. For a moment, they sit in silence, the only sound the gentle symphony of crickets and the occasional rustle of leaves.
“You don’t play cards?” Jackson speaks up, breaking the silence.
“I don’t feel like it right now.” Jinyoung answers, taking a sip of his hot coffee, it’s dark mocha- Jinyoung’s favorite. “Why are you here?”
He can feel Jackson observing him from the corner of his eyes for a few seconds before he responds.
“I’m here ‘cause you’re here.” Jinyoung’s heart skips a beat hearing his answer. He needs to stop saying shit like this to him. “You looked kind of out of place at dinner, I thought what if you jumped in the lake?” Jackson chuckles in his high-pitched tone and Jinyoung only shakes his head.
Jackson and his stupid jokes.
“I don’t wanna intrude but is everything okay with you?” Jackson asks again and Jinyoung turns to face him. “It’s just that I noticed you being a little off, both in the morning before we went for kayaking and at the dinner. You can talk to me, you know.” He says, his voice filled with warmth and understanding and his gaze gentle and kind. “Whatever it is, I'm here for you.”
Jinyoung feels a flood of emotions wash over him.
“Why do you say things like that?” He asks, his tone tinged with frustration.
Jackson's brow furrows in concern. “What's wrong, Jinyoung?”
Setting aside the mug, Jinyoung pulls himself on his feet in a snap. He can’t take this anymore.
“Listen, I know you see me only as someone Mark’s dating and treat me like a friend. I get it but stop, okay? It’s fucking with my mind and I cannot keep my heart in check. It’s so annoying but every single thing you do for me has my heart acting up and I just can’t handle it. So stop. Stop being so nice to me. Stop bringing me my favorite coffee to warm me up on this cold night. Stop saying nice things to me that warm my heart but also make my heart ache. Just stop.” Jinyoung blurts out, his chest heaving with the weight of what he just did.
Did he just bare his heart out?
Why the fuck did he just confess? He’s completely lost his mind.
Jackson’s eyes are widened in surprise as he stands up as well.
A mixture of emotions fleets across his face and Jinyoung feels exposed, vulnerable under his unwavering gaze. Jackson’s eyes somehow look bigger and prettier as he stares at him without any word and Jinyoung is absolutely unable to bear the sight of his shocked but somewhat soft expression.
“Forget it.” He mutters.
He starts walking away when Jackson grabs a hold of his wrist, halting him in his track.
“Jinyoung...” Jackson murmurs and Jinyoung turns to face him again.
Jackson’s looking at him the way he did the first time they talked on that balcony a month ago.
“You’re driving me crazy Jackson.” He says with a bitter laugh. “I know you don’t feel the way I do but you look at me like this and I feel crazy.”
“Look at you like what?” Jackson murmurs with his thick voice as his hand slides down and holds Jinyoung’s.
Jinyoung must be really going crazy because he looks at their hands and then glances back up to find Jackson staring at his lips.
Wait when did they get so close?
He knows he isn’t imagining things when Jackson slowly moves closer, his face unreadable as his gaze shifts back up to meet Jinyoung’s eyes.
His breath hitches as Jackson’s hand cups his cheek, their faces inches apart. He can feel Jackson’s breath, warm against his skin and his eyes close shut involuntarily.
He can’t think of anything.
His brain stopped processing anything at least a minute ago.
His heart is pounding against his chest and Jackson might just be able to feel it with how close he is.
The anticipation to feel Jackson’s lips on his is making him feel dizzy but suddenly all he feels is the absence of his hand on his face.
He opens his eyes to find Jackson stepping back.
“This is wrong. We can’t I- I can’t.” Jackson whispers, his eyes cast downward and Jinyoung’s stomach churns.
He can physically feel his heart breaking and before the tears welling up in his eyes could fall over, he dashes out.
Jinyoung runs straight back to the house, not hearing any of the boys calling out to him and shuts the door close when he gets inside the bedroom. He immediately crawls into the bed, pulling the blanket over his head as he finally lets the tears fall.
Of course Jackson doesn’t want him.
With the way Mark acts, he doesn’t want him either.
What the fuck has he been doing for the past one and half months?
Dating someone while having feelings for someone else and none of them liking him back.
Jinyoung did want to experience college life to its fullest but not the life where his heart gets shattered so badly.
He doesn’t sob, he doesn’t whimper. It’s just the tears rolling down the side of his face freely without making any sound. It’s a good thing no one can hear the sound of heart breaking.
Mark enters the room after a while and Jinyoung can feel the bed dipping with his weight.
“Jinyoung are you asleep?” He asks quietly.
He doesn’t respond because it’s really not the right time right now. He’ll talk to Mark once they go back tomorrow morning. Mark soon falls asleep and Jinyoung spends a sleepless night.
He’s never taking ‘breaks’ ever again before his exams.
He’d rather stress and spend sleepless nights over math equations than over meaningless things like boys.
The next morning Jinyoung doesn’t even stay in the same room as Jackson and Jackson doesn’t try to approach him either.
It hurts just a little.
But he’ll get over it.
Soon they’re back to Seoul and Jinyoung asks Mark to take a walk with him. Thankfully Mark doesn’t say no.
“I’m not gonna beat around the bush and just say it.” Jinyoung speaks up when they round a corner in the alley.
Mark looks at him but doesn’t look surprised.
“It’s not working out for me Mark.” Jinyoung says, his voice gentle but firm.
And there it is, he said it. He said what needed to be said weeks ago.
Mark still doesn’t look surprised but instead gives him a small smile.
“Same here. It isn’t really working for me as well.” He says and Jinyoung can’t help but feel a little surprised. “I tried but my feelings are just not working. I’m sorry Jinyoung.”
“I’m sorry too Mark. I wish things could be different. I truly hope you find someone you can connect with your whole heart.” Jinyoung says, his voice quivering a little.
One chilly Autumn morning, Park Jinyoung parts ways with Mark Tuan.
Jinyoung walks away, feeling a mix of relief and sadness.
At least one thing worked out for him properly. No one got hurt here. Both of them mutually ended this.
This is enough.
Work has been crazy lately but Jinyoung feels thankful to be very honest. He’d take the crowd on new year over his semester finals any day.
He simply can’t relate to the students who feel bad at the time of semester breaks like why would anyone have fun at college? Go have fun outside.
In his case, he’s satisfied being a part-time barista at one of his favorite coffee shops. When it’s not too busy he can even read a little or hang out with Jaebeom which is just a win-win situation for him.
It’s been….a little weird than all the semester breaks he’s had before though.
He never really had to deal with a heart break before.
This is quite literally his first time ever.
He still doesn’t know how he managed to get straight As in all of his courses but may be getting his heart broken helped instead of ruining things for him.
He dived right into his studies to keep his mind occupied all of his waking moment and eventually that helped more than he thought it would.
No boy could ruin his academic result and he took pride in that.
But it got difficult once he was done with his exams. He had nothing to do for days and his mind helplessly kept wandering to things he’d rather not think about.
Some nights were very difficult when it felt like the world was shrinking down around him.
His heart would just ache so much and he missed that boy with that infectious laugh and bright energy so much that he could not sleep.
There were nights spent wondering if Jackson thought of him even once because Jinyoung could not stop thinking about him.
He really underestimated his feelings for that man because even after a month, his heart still skips a beat whenever something reminds him of him.
He didn’t know falling in love would be so easy and getting over it would be so hard.
He isn’t even in denial anymore, there’s no point. He just got to accept his fate and keep trying to move on.
Today’s a little slow at the café. It’s the second day of the new year and people are not so hungover anymore from their 31st rendezvous.
Jinyoung is behind the counter, absentmindedly wiping down the espresso machine, when the door chimes. He looks up, a greeting on his lips, but the words die in his throat.
It’s Jackson.
Jinyoung curses at himself inwardly because why does his heart still go crazy over him?
Jackson looks different—tired, worn out but determined.
And still, very very handsome.
His eyes lock onto Jinyoung’s and Jinyoung’s heart pounds in his chest, a mixture of hope and dread coursing through him.
It’s not necessary that he came here for him.
But.. may be… Jinyoung’s thought trails off as Jackson walks over to the counter.
“Hey Jinyoung.” He says in a small voice.
Jinyoung just stares at him wordlessly for a good minute before speaking up. “Hi.” He clears his throat as soon as he speaks because that did not sound good.
Why is his voice cracking?
“How have you been?” Jackson asks.
Well how am I supposed to be after getting rejected Jackson? Jinyoung thinks.
“I’m good.” He breaks the gaze and brings his attention to his task again.
“That’s good to know.” Jackson sounds nervous. “Can we talk?”
“I’m busy.”
“Alright. Two dark mocha for me then.” Jinyoung looks up to find Jackson giving him a stern look that’s saying he’s not taking no for an answer.
Jinyoung takes his order and starts making the coffee while Jackson just stands there observing him.
He almost squirms under his gaze but tries to look as unaffected as he can.
As he brings him the coffees, Jackson extends one to him. “This is for you, now you have to sit with me.” Jackson says in a firm tone. Jinyoung has never seen him like this before and it’s annoying how hot he sounds like this.
Damnit.
He sighs and gestures to a table in the corner and they both move towards it. The few customers in the shop seem to fade into the background, their chatter and the clinking of cups distant and irrelevant.
“You came to talk, now talk.” Jinyoung says curtly. He didn’t want to snap but can’t help it.
He’s been hurting too much.
“I’m sorry.” Jackson’s earnest eyes bore into his as he apologizes. “I’m so so sorry Jinyoung.”
“You don’t have to be sorry for not feeling something Jackson, it’s not your fault.” Jinyoung again replies bitterly.
“You’re so dumb.” Jackson blurts out.
“Excuse me?” Jinyoung doesn’t know what he was expecting when Jackson came here but this definitely isn’t it.
“Why would I even try to kiss you that night if I didn’t feel the same you idiot!” Jackson exclaims in frustration.
Jinyoung’s eyes widen in surprise, shock and confusion mingling with the faintest spark of hope.
Did he hear him right?
Did Jackson just say he felt the same?
Jackson has feelings for him?
“What?” Jinyoung mutters, his voice barely above a whisper.
“I’m saying sorry for responding that way that night and for not being honest about my feelings with you for so long.” Jackson confesses and the words make Jinyoung’s heartbeats quicken at an inhumane rate.
He continues, his words tumbling out in a rush. “I stepped away that night, not because I didn’t have feelings for you but because I felt guilty. I felt guilty because my friend was dating you and it was really wrong on all accounts. I sound like a hypocrite because I shouldn’t even have had feelings for you in the first place but I did.” Jackson pauses and finally takes a breath and Jinyoung forgets how to breathe himself.
“I do. I still do. I…I’m in love with you Park Jinyoung.”
Jinyoung sits in his chair frozen, unable to believe what he just heard. He has spent the last month believing that Jackson would never return his feelings, that he had to move on. And now, here he is, Jackson, pouring his heart out in the middle of the coffee shop.
And he’s just as down bad.
“Say something?” Jackson asks nervously and Jinyoung realizes he hasn’t said anything for a few minutes.
“I don’t know what to say.” Jinyoung mumbles. Because he actually doesn’t know. A month yearning for this man, only to find out he loved him all along?
Why the hell did he have to hurt for all this time then?
“Why now? Why are you here now Jackson? I broke up with Mark, hell we weren’t even in a relationship. We called it off the moment we arrived in Seoul. I—” He finally manages to say but his voice trembles as he can feel his tears pricking at the corners of his eyes.
“I know. And I’m so sorry Jinyoung.” Jackson says, his eyes vulnerable and full of regret. “I understand if I’m too late and lost my chance with you. I was just too scared. Scared that I’d ruin my friendship with Mark. He told me you guys broke up a week after that. I did feel a little relieved but I couldn’t do anything because Mark did date you. It just felt unfair to him and I didn’t wanna do that to him despite feeling my heart breaking every second. You don’t know how it felt to have feelings for someone your friend is dating. It was hell for me. I wanted to see you so bad all the time despite knowing it’s wrong. I kept telling myself may be if we could just become friends, my feelings would go away—I was so stupid.”
Jackson breathes out.
“My feelings never went away and it just kept growing every time I heard your laugh or saw those crinkles at the corner of your eyes. It was so hard to not look at you. Do you know my heart literally jumped when I saw you in the court at my game that night? I knew I was fucked. Hell I probably knew I was fucked since the moment I almost collided with you at coco’s birthday party. I had no idea you were Mark’s date and I helplessly fell at that balcony and when I got to know, it was too late. I was in denial about it until I couldn’t be anymore.”
Jinyoung has dreamed about this moment.
He has imagined this a thousand times.
He has dreamed of this moment but it always seemed like a distant, unattainable fantasy.
But now Jackson Wang is sitting right in front of him, pouring his heart out and it feels like Jinyoung’s in a trance. He wants to hear more.
Both of them liked each other since the moment they talked for the first time and it’s so crazy to think it took them this long to come here.
“Anyways I kind of blurted out something few days ago and Mark knew I was hurting and saw right through me. He gave us his ‘blessings’ and that basically is what gave me the courage. It took me a while to realize I actually couldn’t do this anymore. I had to see you, I had to give us a chance. It’s been way too long and I missed you too much.”
Jackson reaches out and gently wipes away the tear that rolled down Jinyoung’s face and he realizes he’s crying.
Fuck this. Why did he have to be so sensitive?
“I’m so sorry for hurting you Jinyoung. I’m so sorry.”
“I missed you too, so much.” Jinyoung finally says softly between his tears. He’s no longer going to try to hide his feelings from this man. Hiding feelings from each other only hurt them.
“Oh Jinyoung.” Jackson looks at him with a pained gaze and reaches across the table, taking Jinyoung’s hand in his. “Can we try again? Start over?” He asks, his voice filled with sincerity and regret.
Jinyoung nods his head, a smile breaking through his tears. “But you have to make up for being so late and for hurting me so much with your stupidity and confusion.”
Jackson laughs that hyena-like laughter and God Jinyoung missed this sound so much. “Anything for you Jinyoung.” He says with a bright smile and squeezes his hand. “Can I take you out on a proper date?”
“I’d like that.” Jinyoung says, interlocking their hands and those butterflies return in his stomach. Jinyoung smiles knowing Jackson’s feeling that too.
“Can I have your number first though? It was crazy trying to figure out where you’d be. Took me two days or we could’ve done this sooner.”
Jinyoung chuckles.
In that small coffee shop, amidst the hum of life going on around them, Jinyoung’s heart finally starts healing.
Jackson’s looking at him with the widest and prettiest smile in the world, holding his hand tightly and everything seems right in the world again.
“Hey Jinyoung.” Jackson speaks when he walks him out, holding hands, after talking and catching up with everything for an hour. He’s spent enough time, he needed to go back to work.
“Hm?” He turns to face him and before he could react, Jackson captures his lips in a gentle, yet fervent kiss.
The world seems to stand still, the bustling city around them fading into the background. Jinyoung’s eyes widened in surprise but then he melts into the kiss, his hands instinctively finding their way to Jackson’s waist.
The kiss is everything Jinyoung had hoped for and more.
This is everything he’s longed for and more.
It’s sweeter than anything he ever tasted and when they part their lips to deepen it, he can see fireworks behind his eyes. Jackson is a crazy good kisser, he isn’t even surprised.
When they pull back breathlessly and rest their foreheads against each other’s with goofy silly smiles on their faces, Jinyoung realizes he could do this forever. He wants to do this forever.
“Should’ve done this sooner.” Jackson murmurs and Jinyoung’s heart swells with affection for the man.
“I love you Jackson Wang.” He whispers and Jackson’s smile widens as he steals another kiss.
“I love you Park Jinyoung. I’d ask you to marry me but that’d be too soon, let’s just be my boyfriend for now.”
Jinyoung bursts out laughing as he shoves him away.
Sometimes you really can’t help but fall in love, huh?
Definitely can’t help when it’s Jackson Wang.