Chapter Text
After successfully dodging three professors, Filch and his demon cat, and one Slytherin prefect who’d hated their guts ever since they shaved off her eyebrows totally on accident, the gang finally stumbled back into their dormitory with the cupid in tow. They were sweaty, slightly traumatized, and definitely proud. Mission: mostly accomplished.
Now came the tricky part: explaining the plan. In excruciating, soul-sucking, eye-twitch-inducing detail. Sirius took over the presentation with the enthusiasm of a salesman who’d had too much sugar. He described Remus in what could only be called a “romantic TED Talk gone wrong” completed with hand gestures, metaphors, and something about “the kind of sad eyes you see in european gay porn.”
When he finally finished, there was silence. A very long, very awkward silence.
Cupid blinked once. Twice. Then said flatly,
“That was a lot of words. I understood at least three of them.”
Everyone stared.
“...He’s joking, right?” Peter whispered.
James groaned. “Doesn’t matter. We’re too deep in. No time for new plans. This will do.”
And with that, their questionable, half-explained, definitely doomed operation was officially underway.
***
It was a blessing and a curse that it was the weekend- a blessing because Remus could dedicate the entire day to his favorite hobby- wallowing in heartbreak, and a curse because, well, there was nothing else to distract him from said heartbreak.
“So, loser, what’s the plan for today?” Mary said with her mouth full of bread, spraying crumbs all over Lily. Lily in return gave her a look sharp enough to make her swallow immediately.
“Sorry” Mary mumbled, wiping her mouth. “What I meant was- are you ready to drink your sorrows away with us or not, Remmy boy?”
“He’s marinating in self-pity” Marlene added, leaning back in her chair with a smirk.
Remus rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. I’ll join you guys at the three broomsticks.”
***
Peter used his rat form to go spy on Remus and get his whereabouts. When that didn’t work (he almost got eaten and squished like 8 times), he just casually asked his friend what he’s doing this evening. Remus told him he is meeting up with the girls for some drinks in hogsmeade. This gave them the perfect place to carry out their plan without worrying about the professors.
***
So there were The Girls and Remus, sitting in the Three Broomsticks. Remus was two drinks in and already halfway to emotional disaster. He jabbed his butterbeer dramatically toward the ceiling.
“You know what’s funny?” he slurred. “Sirius gets so mad when other people flirt with me, but then he turns around and flirts with everyone! Like, dude, why are you leaning on McGonagall’s desk like you’re in a perfume commercial!? Not that I’m jealous of McGonagall—hic—but the HYPOCISY!”
Mary had officially transcended into another plane of existence to escape this conversation.
Lily had her head buried in her hands, whispering prayers to whatever god handles emotionally repressed werewolves.
And Marlene? Marlene had reached the final stage of grief- rage.
She slammed her mug on the table. “FOR THE LOVE OF MERLIN, SHUT UP ABOUT HIM! Yes he is satan in leather pants. but you two are clearly soulmates! So just stop moping, let him apologize to you tomorrow, and for once in your furry little life, enjoy your drink!”
Remus blinked. “...wait you know I am a werewolf?”
“Remus,” Marlene said, dead serious, “if you don’t stop talking about Sirius, I’m hexing you so hard you’ll start howling early this month.”
***
How exactly does one carry around a baby with an arrow and allow him to shoot someone? Another brilliant idea by James: just carry the cupid around like a baby that you are babysitting. Pretend his bow arrow and quiver are just typical normal baby toys. Take this baby to a pub which is usually meant for 15 years and older, but this surely isn't the most illegal thing others have seen James do.
Madam Rosmerta saw the 3/4th of the marauders walk in with a baby and raised an eyebrow. James just gave her a flattering smile and started patting the baby, playing into his role as a babysitter. The cupid let out a growl.
“He’s teething” James said trying to cover up. The cupid then bit his shoulder hard. James winced “naughty little bugger haha” he said through gritted teeth. Rosemerta just sighed and turned away. She does not get paid enough to deal with their shenanigans.
James, meanwhile, pinched the cupid’s butt in retaliation. “Stay still you little piece of shit.”
Sirius, rubbing his temple like a man on the edge, muttered, “Let’s just go sit there,” and led the group to a table with the perfect view of Remus. Close enough to spy, far enough to pretend they weren’t spying.
The plan was simple (and incredibly stupid):
Step one: Sirius casually walk up to Remus’s table, acting completely normal.
Step two: Cupid shoots Remus with an arrow which has Sirius’ name on it.
Step three: Remus falls back in love, forgives Sirius instantly, and they all live happily ever after!
They settled into their booth. The cupid sat right on the table, bow and arrow in hand, tiny eyes locked on the target. Sirius stood up, heart hammering, and began walking toward Remus.
Remus had his back turned towards him, but Mary spotted Sirius approaching and immediately perked up, anticipating the drama. Sirius’ eyes stayed glued to the back of Remus’ head as he got closer. The cupid raised his bow, arrow ready-
-and then Peter sneezed.
Not just a normal sneeze. The kind of sneeze that shakes the table and sounds like a dying elephant’s war cry. The cupid, startled, released the arrow- straight to the girl sitting behind Remus.
“Oh no” Peter squeaked.
James groaned and smacked his head on the table.
Sirius froze mid-step, eyes wide with horror.
Chaos broke out instantly.
“Quick! Shoot her with the undo arrow or something!”
“Sorry dudes, you only get one arrow for 20 galleons. Should have booked the premium package”
“Seriously James!? Your dad is a fucking millionare but you can’t spend more than 20 galleons you selfish prick-”
“Shut the fuck up Wormtail- I am not the one who caused a mini earthquake with his sneeze. You couldn’t have waited 2 more minutes-”
Meanwhile, the girl who got hit stood up and started walking toward Sirius. He vaguely recognized her from potions class. Uh oh.
“Uh, guys” Mary whispered, eyes wide, “do you see that too?”
“Is that Kristen Dulove?” Lily asked. “Is she flirting with Sirius? I thought she was into girls-”
“She is” Marlene cut in, deadpan. “I can vouch for that.”
Oh hell no. Remus thought. Flirting with his boyfriend right in front of him? They weren’t even officially broken up. They are just on a break!
Remus marched over, eyes blazing.
“You have the most wonderful blue eyes” Dulove said dreamily.
“Uh, they’re grey, actually-” Sirius started, but didn’t get to finish.
“Get your hands off my boyfriend unless you want a black eye,” Remus said, low and dangerous.
Sirius gulped. That was… hot.
Before Kristen could reply, Remus grabbed Sirius, pulled him close, and kissed him. The pub exploded in cheers-Mary, Lily, Marlene, Peter, and James leading the applause like proud parents at a wedding.
Kristen stomped away huffing. The effects of the arrow would wear off in an hour. She would be fine.
When Sirius and Remus finally broke apart for air, words tumbled out of Sirius “You were right. I was being insecure and jealous and stupid and- and- what I am trying to say is that I do trust you and I am-”
“I know Sirius” Remus said softly, smiling “Me too.”
Their eyes met, wordless apologies passing between them. It was perfect-until Lily suddenly shouted, “IS THAT A CUPID!?”
Everyone turned. James and Peter were frozen mid-brawl: the cupid was trying to strangle James while Peter clung to its leg, desperately trying to pry it off.
Remus turned back to Sirius, who gave a sheepish grin. “It’s… a long story.”
Remus just laughed, shaking his head. “I love you so much,” he said, leaning in to kiss him again. This time Sirius believed him truly.