Chapter Text
1926
The first time Lydia saw Rebecca was the night of her 11th birthday. At the time she didn’t understand how her mother had survived the drowning. Where had she been that last year? Had she swam to shore and decided not to come back like Father had done when he left for what was supposed to be a two week long trip to Monte Carlo? But then why was she here now? Had she decided while she was gone that her daughter was worth her time, worth loving?
She asked her mother how she had gotten back to Manderley and was met with a sharp response that it was none of her business and to call her Rebecca instead.
That wasn’t too difficult a task, Lydia thought, she had begun to refer to her by name a few months ago. She hated Rebecca, hated her so much for constantly hurting her in every way, but at the same time yearned for just her to show the tiniest bit of affection that she showed Danny every day.
Maybe even the kind of affection that would cause her to keep a shrine of the deceased, or was she still alive, like Danny did. Though Lydia could do without stopping in her tracks and calling Danny Rebecca’s name.
“You didn’t think I returned from the depths because of you, did you?”
Returned from the depths. Did that mean Rebecca was dead? Was this her ghost? Lydia didn’t know if Rebecca would take it well if she asked. But maybe if it was just a ghost, she couldn’t actually do harm, and so she spoke just above a whisper. “Are you…are you real?”
Rebecca laughed loudly, almost like a witch’s cackle. “I’m as real as the air you breathe”
Lydia screamed, an anguished, earth shattering scream as Rebecca grabbed her by the hair, hissing that this house was hers and no one would ever replace her. All of Lydia’s begging to be let go fell on deaf ears.
Then her bedroom door opened, and there stood Rudolph.
Lydia reached up to try and force Rebecca’s hands off of her, kicking her legs in an attempt to escape, shouting to Rudolph and asking him to get help. She was trying so hard to fight back tears that her breaths came out as shallow pants. Then, at last, Rebecca let her go and she immediately began to crawl under her bed to hide.
“You alright? What were you doing?”
She stood up quickly at the sound of Rudolph’s voice, gripping the bedpost. “What do you mean? She’s…Rebecca‘s right there!”
Rudolph looked at her like she was crazy. “Lydia, what are you talking about?”
“She’s right there!” she repeated, running towards her wardrobe and throwing the doors open so hard that they thudded against the wall. “Why aren’t you hiding?”
Then Rudolph laughed. “Because she’s not here”
This was not funny at all, but now Rebecca was laughing too. Lydia fell to the floor unceremoniously, covering her face with her hands and rocking back and forth. Rudolph seemed to notice that it was no laughing matter and quickly ran and hugged her.
“Rebecca’s dead. She drowned last year, remember”
Rebecca scoffed and declared that she didn’t drown and “that’s absolute bullocks”
What did that even mean?
Before she could ask, Rebecca was gone. Only then did she let herself cry. Somehow, Rudolph stayed with her the whole time, holding onto her like she’d disappear too if he let go. He kept repeating “Rebecca’s dead” until she had calmed herself enough to stand once more and climb into bed.
Why did she let him see her like this? He was only little, he shouldn’t have to know how fucked up she was.
Rebecca always told her that she was fucked up, so many times that she had begun to believe it.
She could hardly sleep that night, even after Rudolph had drifted off. She kept whispering to herself that Rebecca’s dead. Rebecca can’t hurt her anymore.
Rebecca’s dead.
1932
Lydia had grown surprisingly close to Alice since that first visit to the hospital. She supposed it made sense, after all she and Rudolph were almost like siblings just like herself and Rudolph were. It was only natural that the three of them came together, though sometimes two of them would just hang out themselves.
When they did, they usually spent their time laughing and joking around. The thing was that Alice tended towards mean spiritedness at times. Lydia wasn’t easily offended though, and she sometimes even responded to the older girl in kind, so she never thought it was an issue worth mentioning.
They were currently going back and forth in that playful mean manner. “At least if it were me, I would’ve told the person I love how I felt by now,” Lydia chuckled.
Alice laughed along with her. “Well at least the years haven’t fucked me up.”
It was just a joke. Just a joke, and yet it flipped a switch in Lydia. She glared daggers at Alice. “Don’t ever say that to me again, you fucking bitch.”
Fuck, she sounded just like Rebecca.
Alice clapped her on the shoulder. “Ooh that was a good one”
Lydia’s expression did not change, earning her a confused glance from Alice and the question of whether that had gone too far. She shook her head and walked away, breaking into a run once Alice couldn’t see her. She needed to ride this out alone.
Alice found her later and apologized. Lydia told her it was no big deal, but apparently it hadn’t been very convincing.
“No seriously, what happened back there?” Alice asked.
Lydia told her everything, or at least a watered down version of everything that essentially came down to “Rebecca used to tell me I was fucked up.” She didn’t fully trust Alice with the more gritty details. Maybe someday she would, but today she felt she ought to be cautious.
“Oh, wow…” Alice seemed at a loss for words, but after a moment, she shrugged her shoulders and chuckled. Not at all surprising considering who she was. “I had no idea your mum was such a right bitch.”
This got a chuckle out of Lydia. “Oh yeah, she was.” It was said lightheartedly, Alice never needed to know how serious it actually was.
Luckily, Lydia had still retrained a little of her ability to make herself seem unbothered; Alice didn’t notice anything amiss. Or if she did, she didn’t tell her. Instead, the older girl just smirked. “No wonder almost nothing I say offends you”
Their little talk came to an end with that. Lydia began to walk away, but Alice got her attention once more. “By the way, I’m going to tell Clarice.”
Lydia smirked, finally those two would be more than, as Rudolph put it, very good friends.
“It's about time.”
In her dreams, Maxim and Rebecca divorced when she was too young to comprehend what the word meant. They never grew to like each other, but the distance between Manderley and the heart of London tempered their hatred enough for them to exist in the same room without one of them provoking the other.
Danny had gone to London with Rebecca, and there lay the only drawback for Lydia: being separated from Rudolph when she stayed at Manderley. Though more often than not, Danny was more than happy to let him visit. He never had to work when he was there. In fact, he didn’t need to do so at all. Rebecca had arranged it so that Danny was simply a “companion” rather than a maid.
Rebecca was much less harsh in this fantasy, by no means loving, but not abusive. Maxim was as he had been years and years ago, and Lydia felt close to him in a way she never had in reality. This made it much easier to split her time between both her parents.
Of course, Ileana came into Lydia’s life as well, though she met her right away. If by right away, one meant over the telephone just after Maxim proposed. Maxim broke the news of his engagement by telling Lydia he was bringing her a new friend. They loved each other fiercely, and it helped that Ileana didn’t have to constantly save everyone from losing themselves, or more accurately save her from herself. There was nothing to be saved from.
No hallucinations, no major trauma, and no murder.
If Rebecca surviving would’ve made things better, Lydia would worry about that when she woke up.