Chapter Text
‘’Dear Papa.’’
‘’Seems like a lifetime since I've heard your voice, as the years stretch on you'll be further and further away but I'm not afraid. I've not let go just yet, there is so much I want to tell you but I'm not sure where to begin. Suppose there are multiple different starting points, I've had a lot of adventures so far but I might start off with my favourite one. My final adventure as a Governess. I had been working for Alan Jackson, governing his children while he was busy with work. You would've loved his home, it's so grand. Nothing like Millicent Heights, mind you. Now that place is an absolute dream. Alan's father is a bit eccentric but I suppose most older men are, no offense to you papa. You've always had a bit of a streak with you, with your funny jokes and your stories. I miss your laughter the most, it always made Birchwood Pond so warm. The memories keep me going, now where was I? My latest adventure, that's right. I had been stationed in Bath when I received a letter from a mysterious man in Cumberland.’’
Thomas Sharpe.
Mary turns the page, it was rather sunny out and Ernest was itching to go out. It had been a plan to eat outside, Vera had been busy all morning. Preparing everything, Mary had offered to help but Vera immediately shooed her out of the kitchen alongside the cook. She wasn't entirely sure as to why she did so, Mary's help had always been appreciated before. Perhaps it had something to do with Ernest's early reading session, she decided they could finish three chapters today and be outside around lunch if they read them all at once. It was difficult to focus with Ernest looking so longingly out the window instead of the pages, she had to get him to look away sometimes. Little Adelaide giggles, mumbling to herself. Her vocabulary has really picked up as of late, Thomas had been so worried about her but she simply needed time to be ready. Mary believed that they couldn't and shouldn't rush things. Children take time to mature, they need the chance to learn and feel their way around. Ernest liked having his little sister close to him while he does his reading, Mary couldn't possibly begrudge him that now could she? She knew why he was so attached to her, Thomas had told her that Ernest was always an active part of Adelaide's infancy. Took it upon himself to care for her at all times, not only out of love for his sister but for his mother. Adelaide was the last remaining piece of Violet that Ernest had left, of course he would like to protect that with all he had. Mary was happy that they got on so well and that the boy knew when to put his family first, Ernest was a good child. Mary was firm on that.
''Papa?'' Adelaide huffs excitedly.
Mary laughs and shakes her head at the little girl as she points at the window, Mary glanced outside. Watching the yellow straw sweetly billowing in the warm summer breeze, she didn't expect this place to be so oddly beautiful at this time of year but she felt fortunate to witness it. As desolate as this landscape could be, it could be so magical if one had the imagination to make it so. Mary had never felt right at home anywhere but here, Birchwood Pond now in the back of her mind. Her childhood home belonged to her sisters now while Mary belonged to Allerdale Hall for as long as the Sharpe family would have her. Ernest was reluctant to let her go the first two weeks of the new year when she finally returned to Allerdale Hall, their friendship had only gotten stronger as the months went on. To think that soon enough she'll have been here for a year, there was no place she could imagine herself going to. It frightened her a bit, she thought back to Thomas' request that day. For her to stay with them, to see whatever it is they had would grow into. It was pleasant, slow and so kind. Ernest groans, leaning back in his chair. So bored out of his mind, she smiles at him.
''Can't we save the last one for tomorrow?!'' Ernest had that whiny tone in his voice again, Mary could empathise on this occasion. The weather was quite nice today, the sun up high. She would have to remind him to take his hat when he goes out, no doubt he'll try to resist at first.
''Eager to get out today?'' She laughs, closing her book.
Ernest was a good boy, he always finished his reading and he never rushed. Mary was happy to find that he began looking forward to their daily activities together, she taught him formal letter writing as well seeing as Thomas had been quite busy as of late to take that upon himself. Ernest was getting good at his letters, his reading was more fluid than it was before. No more hesitations when he's presented with peculiar looking words, he gives it an honest try the first time around. Mary loved these children, there was so much joy in them despite all the darkness here in Allerdale Hall. Lucille continues to keep to herself she didn't like the bright outdoors, prefers to indulge herself in her own room. No one had a particular problem with it, she wasn't at home at the moment however. Thomas sent her off to London, get her to socialise a bit with the public. Lord knows how badly that'll end, Lucille might come back even worse or even better not come back at all. Mary knew she shouldn't think like that.
''We've not had a picnic for ages and it's father's favourite apple tree!'' Ernest smiled.
Thomas' favourite apple tree? Mary's right brow shot up, looking out the large window didn't reveal many apple trees. It was a wonder that there was even living trees out there, some shrubs here and there. Dead and alive but what had surprised her the most was the one apple tree that magically still bore fruit. Thomas had explained that he planted it for Violet many years ago as a test to see how good the land really was in terms of produce, suppose he could plant as many apple trees as he wanted now but she understood the sentimentality of this particular tree. Ernest set his book down on the table next to him, reaching over to Adelaide who had her little hands outstretched. Suppose it was getting a bit warm in here.
''You mean the only apple tree on these grounds?'' Mary giggled.
Ernest's face reddens ever so slightly in response, suppose Mary shouldn't tease him today. They were all going to have a good time outside today, Thomas did talk about taking the children to Millicent Heights by the end of summer. Enjoying the last of the season's warm days by the ocean, Mary would like that. She wouldn't mind seeing Bartholomew again, she still hadn't thanked him enough for having her there for Christmas. Ernest huffs.
''It's still his favourite...'' Ernest huffs.
''Oh alright, we'll finish the last chapter tomorrow but you have to promise me you'll read!'' Mary lets out a loud sigh, setting the book down before standing up. Her back ached from having sat up for so long, the proper posture still ingrained in her memory. The matron would've struck her knees if she didn't sit up straight, a lady doesn't slouch apparently.
Ernest jumps up from the chair, hurrying over to his baby sister's little chair. Mary couldn't take away his happiness today, hopefully it'll rain tomorrow. They might get the reading done then, no one liked going out in the pouring rain to play. Mary laughs as she saw Ernest hoist his little sister up, carrying her out of the room. He shouldn't run, it was dangerous but he didn't need to be reminded as he immediately slowed down to brisk walk.
''Come on Mary!'' Ernest hollers.
So much excitement today, Mary was already exhausted.
‘’You would've loved Ernest I'm sure, so full of life and curiosity. He's very handy for a boy of his age, his father is an inventor of sorts. Thomas has built entire machines with his own two hands and my simple mind can't even begin to grasp as to how it all works but he's been so kind as to teach me how his digging machine works, he's worked so hard on it and it is quite fabulous if you look past all of the rust and dull metal parts. It needs very little manpower to operate, this is the future forming right before my eyes. Soon enough there'll be hundreds of these all across the country, perhaps over in America as well. Thomas said he's been there once, I've never gone anywhere myself as you know. One day I might, hopefully Thomas would like to go with me. Maybe a bit bold of me to consider but I simply can't deny what I feel for that sweet man, I'm very sure you would've liked him too. He's been kind to me, patient albeit a bit clumsy. We do not speak of that jammy dress, never. You would've laughed your heart out and I would've loved to hear it, I miss you so much you know.‘’
‘’I never saw this sort of a life for myself, never envisioned myself getting married or having children of my own though it is expected of me as a woman but I've always felt fulfilled just teaching, looking after other children rather than going off in search for a man who would make me his wife. I have no doubt that I might change my mind later on in life, perhaps I'll even regret ever getting to that point. Maybe I won't, no one will ever know until that time comes but for now, this is what I do. I look after and guide troubled young children, such as Ernest. It was him that brought me to Allerdale Hall, his father had been so worried for him. If I remember correctly the boy had scared off at least ten other governesses, Thomas had been somewhat hesitant at first when I showed up but that was to be expected. I had to break his habits down just a tad, the man shouldn't apologise for his son's actions seeing as what Ernest had done to make me unhappy was Ernest's own fault. Thomas shouldn't have to apologise for that but I understood why he did, that man loves his son like you wouldn't believe. It is the first time I've ever seen a father be so affectionate and involved with his own children, its all so new to me papa. Thomas is much like you in that regard.’’
Mary held her hat down as the breeze rolled through, they had finally made it out into the fields. Thomas had already been waiting for them downstairs with Vera who had carefully packed basket for them, it was kind of her to do so but Mary would've liked to help. They had little sandwiches, a bit of tea and some sweet biscuits. Knowing Ernest, he'll want to eat them all right away but he knew the rules. Mary was very strict on that. Thomas had walked with her into the field, wading through the tall yellow straw. He seemed so eager to get out with them, suppose that was a good thing but she couldn't for the life of him figure out where this nervousness was coming from. He seemed a bit on edge, hopefully it was just the stresses of his work. He's spent countless hours in his workshop the past couple of days, she wouldn't be surprised if he had gone a tad mental in there. Mary made a note to check if his study needed any cleaning but no doubt Vera would insist on doing it herself, Thomas had started to allow Mary to sit with him in the evenings while he sat in his study. It had become a stable past time for them, to sit together and talk. He'd teach her about all sorts of things, tell her of his travels and of his invention; his feelings. It had been a very lovely time, Mary looked out over the field. Ernest busy dragging his little sister around the place, playing hide and seek in the tall straw jungle. Both wearing their summer best, Mary couldn't help but smile at the sight of little Adelaide's bonnet. Ernest had remembered his hat too, good.
''Children, tea time!'' She waved over to them and received a big smile back from Ernest, there was a lot going on today but no one would tell her what was going on. Mary hadn't been here for more than half a year, this was the first summer she experienced her so she wasn't aware of some of this family's practices. She'd remind herself to ask Thomas as to what was going on.
Little did I know that there was something afoot, something that I wasn't privy of. All of that nervous energy that hadn't escaped my notice didn't make any sense at all until that very same sunny afternoon, the children had eaten with us and stories were shared. Laughter was had and all the tea was gone, I had never felt so happy in all my days since you've been gone. I know what I want, I want to stay in Cumberland with them. With Ernest and little Adelaide, with Thomas and Vera in Allerdale Hall. Have you ever had felt as if you belonged some place? That is the exact same thing I've felt every day since I've been here, those stormy winter nights and those rainy spring mornings. As much as I wish to visit Birchwood Pond sometime soon, I seem to be unable to bring myself to leave Crimson Peak.
This is my home now, I belong here. I've spend so many years denying myself things any woman would want, a husband and children. A family, clothes or new shoes. Friendships. I've never felt that I deserved those things but I feel like I've grown with this peculiar little family, I've formed a bond that I simply cannot break and I do not wish to break it. Never.
Mary stared back at the wide eyed baronet in front of her, both still sat on the picnic blanket while the children had gone back into the wild to play. He had attempted to talk but his nerves seemed to shut him right up, Mary felt the hesitation in the air. Thomas seemed terrified, her mind drifts back to all of the past months they've spent together. Talking, getting to know one another. The late nights in his workshop, Thomas' eyes would light up like a candle in the dark whenever she asked him about his work. They bonded over the world's numerous unsolved mysteries, various famous structures. Beautiful countries and languages, Mary wished to see so many things and Thomas showed her his maps. The books in his private library, old photographs from his time in America. He told her stories of his life, of his children and Mary responded with similar anecdotes of her father and sisters. This is what made their time together so special, to be so open and vulnerable. Thomas had told her so many things, the way his childhood had shaped him and his promises to his children. Mary wept for him but he begged her not to, that the past wasn't worth her tears. Thomas' turned a shade of red, like delicious summer apples. He cleared his throat, starting over.
''Mary, I- I don't- Would-'' He let out a deep breath, as if he had been holding it this entire time. His chest heaved, Mary found his nervousness to be rather endearing but it could drag on just a little bit. She wished he could find the confidence in himself to speak, no doubt he had plenty when needed but something seemed to be hindering him from dipping into his personal supply of strength. Thomas wiped his forehead with the sleeve of his shirt, it was getting hotter out. The shade of the apple tree had been very kind to them, protecting them from the sun's sting.
''This is harder than I remember.'' He sighed, shaking his head. Down on both his knees, his hands grip his thighs tightly
Mary silently laughs as the man struggled to get up off the ground, his hands resting on his hips. Looking out over the golden field of straw, nothing could help cover up the flush of his skin. Not even the hot sun itself, Mary got up from the ground. Leaning her back against the apple tree, looking up through the leaves. The light danced so pleasantly between them, the branches swaying away in the breeze. She felt at peace here, this is where home was. Right underneath this tree, Mary took notice of the little apples that struggled to grow. They wouldn't get very big but Ernest had assured her that they would be very delicious. She could hardly wait, to think that something so beautiful could thrive and grow on this land. There was something so miraculous about it, Mary loved this tree. No doubt she'll come out here with Ernest and little Adelaide in the upcoming days, if weather was good. There was nothing quite like it, reading outside. The blue sky above you, the soft wind at your back. If she closed her eyes and gave herself a silent moment to concentrate, she could hear the little birds jumping about on the ground. Pecking at it for food, the tall straw hiss as they did. Could she hear the tree growing if she pressed her ear against its heart? Perhaps it would sing. Mary opened her eyes only to see Thomas now using his trousers to wipe his sweaty hands.
''Father says he wants to marry you.''
Mary and Thomas both jumped at Ernest's sudden appearance but it wasn't his silent arrival that had Mary spooked. Her eyes widened, staring at Thomas ball up his fists. Was that it?
''Ernest!'' The man scolds his own son who didn't seem to care much, bouncing his little sister in his arms. Adelaide giggles, waving to Mary. Were they all aware? Did Thomas mean to propose to her? They hadn't talked much about their intimate feelings together, sure they've exchange rather brief kisses in the multiple dark corners of Allerdale Hall. She knew he cared for her, she cared for him but they had already established that their feelings hadn't been too developed that Christmas at Millicent Heights. Unless they've changed now, Mary felt the heat crawling up the back of her neck, she had the urge to give the sun an earful or two but it wouldn't be of any use. Did she love him? Thomas had been the only man she's ever felt anything for, she's never felt like this before. A young girls first love would be a nice way to phrase it but Mary was by no means a girl now, a woman. Mary had felt unwanted before, she never pursued anyone and rejected any man who tried to capture her, Mary ran. She wouldn't stop running until she got away but this time she wasn't running, her feet weren't working against her. She was stood still, right here.
''Do you?’’ She stepped away from the apple tree. Approaching the flustered baronet who slicked back his hair, he sweats when he's nervous.
Thomas turns to look at her, there was this unspeakable softness in his eyes. For a moment, the baronet had turned back time. His feelings turned him into that young boy again, it was no denying that their bond had deepened since Christmas last year. Mary certainly wouldn't deny it, she hoped that this was his intention. To think that someone wanted to marry her, that is if he really did mean to ask. Ernest could speak out of turn at times but she wouldn't blame him, Mary was frightened. What if Thomas didn't want this? What if he changed his mind? She would have to leave, she'd leave the children behind. Her happiness too. Ernest groans, adjusting his grip on little Adelaide who only giggled away in his arms. He walked up to them, standing between them. There was once a time when Mary didn't believe in love but she had started to believe in it now, this family had been there for her in ways she couldn't fathom. Mary was welcomed here, they let her in and took care of her just as she cared for the Sharpe children. Her eyes watered at the sight of Thomas' fearful eyes.
''Father, do you love Mary?'' Ernest asks him.
''I- Well-'' Thomas looked at his son for a moment, swallowing rather thickly. As if he had gotten a piece of toast stuck in his throat, it wouldn't surprise Mary if he did. Thomas could eat so fast sometimes, he ought to be more careful. He didn't know where to look, staring at his son then at his daughter and then back at Mary. Opening and closing his mouth, like a fish.
''Yes.'' Thomas smiled.
Her heart might as well begin galloping across the fields of Allerdale Hall, like that of a wild mare taking in the first sun of spring. For a good time she hadn't believed herself to be anything special, anything of value to anyone. Mary Clarke the governess, the unlovable. Ernest pulls on Mary's skirt with his free hand, he seemed so much smaller than she remembered. The way he looked up at her, hopeful. Almost pleading, he wanted her to stay.
''Mary- Do you love father?'' Ernest turned to Mary with a hopeful smile.
She looked Thomas in the eyes, did she love him? As deeply as a woman would love a man, yes; she did. Mary smiled back at him, how could she say no? It took her so long to love herself first, she had been the one to put others first. Tending to those around her before she even got the chance to heal herself, she helped Ernest come to terms with his mother's death before she could accept that her stepfather's death wasn't on her hands. It took her a long time to forgive herself for turning her back on her family the way she did, though they had sent her away she never blamed them though she should've put a bit of heat on them. She couldn't do that to her mother, to her awful stepsisters. Sarah and Sophia wouldn't believe her if she came home one day with a man in tow, not that it mattered to Mary.
''I believe I do...'' She sniffled, wiping the stray tears away before they could drip down her face with a nod.
Thomas took a step forward, grabbing both of her hands. Squeezing them, not at all sweaty. The man could get so nervous, it was one of many endearing traits that had Mary stumbling over her own feet. They had felt this mutual spark between them since day one, she didn't admit it at first but she found Thomas to be so effortlessly charming. A good father and a smart, joyful man. Despite all that he has lost, all it took was a bit of guidance. A helping hand, Mary came to Allerdale Hall a husk of who she used to be and she found herself again.
''Miss Clarke- Mary.'' Thomas chuckled.
The baronet knelt before her, one knee to the ground. She wouldn't lie, it was exciting.
''Will you- Will you marry me?'
Her breath caught in her throat, she had the urge to cry. To throw her arms around him, she looks over to Ernest who only smiled at her, eagerly nodding. How could she possibly say no to them all? It wasn't only Thomas she would be accepting but Ernest and Adelaide as well, she made a good mental note to pray to Violet tonight. To thank her for all of this joy, how could Mary not thank her? The woman who brought such wonderful children into this world, introduced her to the most wonderful man.
''Do I still get this month's pay if I say yes?'' Mary laughs and shakes her head, still smiling.
They shared a laugh, how things change.
As you once said papa; '' The truest love of all is the love you owe yourself .''
All my love, Mary Clarke.