Chapter Text
Waking up ever since the break up always felt like a fever dream. His body broke out in sweats the moment his eyes opened, a familiar throbbing behind them, because waking up meant he hadn’t dreamt it. It meant this was the reality he had made for himself. And he had to live with it.
The only thing making him want to get up and go to work was the prospect of seeing her at the station. Even if it was from far away, at roll call, during lunch or the odd occasion where they needed a supervisor on scene and someone else couldn’t go for him. It was getting to see her laugh even if he wasn’t the cause or getting to see that glint in her eye when she solved a case. He missed her. All of her.
But today he would walk into the station and she wouldn’t be there. He wouldn’t be able to stare at the back of her head while he ignored Grey’s debrief for the day. He wouldn’t get to listen for her call on the radio or keep an eye on her.
Today he didn’t need to pretend to like veggie burgers in order to stand a few people behind her in line and watch her order the same thing she always did. He didn’t have to sit at that awful table with no shade just so that he could be near her. He wouldn’t have to hold his breath when she walked past him without meeting his eye, to avoid catching her scent. Her scent that lingered everywhere. In his bed, in his shower, in his car, in his heart.
Today, Lucy Chen no longer worked at Mid-Wilshire which meant she was forever gone from his life.
He was tempted to call in sick. Drown his sorrows in alcohol and takeout. Watch reruns of Top Chef to torture himself. But he knew if he did that Angela would worry, and he didn’t really want to deal with anybody but himself today. So with his heart miles away from him, he got up and went to work.
First thing he did when he walked into the station was tell Aaron he wanted to ride alone today. The younger man just nodded once and ran off. In hindsight, that was his first mistake because as soon as he closed the door to she shop, a nonchalant Angela Lopez plopped herself down on his passenger seat.
“Angela, I’m not in the mood today” - he said dropping his head against the seat. His eyes closing. The throbbing behind them intensifying.
“I know you’re not bestie, thats why I’m riding with you today” - she said handing him a bottle of water and a couple of pills.
At his questioning look she shrugged.
“I know you didn’t sleep well and I know your head hurts, now chug the pills down and lets roll” - Tim sighed.
“Angela, I’m a patrol Sergeant and you’re a detective. What the hell are we riding together for?”
“First of all, you’re still a Metro Sergeant. This is just a probationary demotion. Second, I need help with a case” - she put the seatbelt on and grabbed a bag of chips from her purse.
“I don’t care if its probationary or not. Its not like it matters anymore what type of Sergeant I am. And you absolutely do not need help with a case”
She just stared at him, and he knew better by now than to defy her. Sighing, he chugged the pills down, swallowed them without water and started driving.
Angela was uncharacteristically quiet. Every now and then he would glance at her and find her typing away at her computer. Munching on her chips. Not once did she look back. He should’ve known what she was doing, but his mind was too full of Lucy to be thinking clearly.
“Okay, can you say whatever it is you want to say so we can get this over with?” - he said exasperated.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Unless you want to say some things”- she didn’t look up once.
“I have a therapist for that, thank you”
“I know. I’m just saying if you want to get some things off your chest, I’m here” - at this she finally looked up, as if waiting for him to say something.
He sighs, feeling defeated, as he pulls the shop over. He picks at his nails for a while, only the sound of Angela breathing next to him filling the silence. And before he can help it the dam breaks.
“What do you want me to say, Lopez? That I miss her so much I can’t fucking breathe? That it is eating at me from the inside out, knowing she’s at some faraway station where they’re for sure going to make her work the midnight shift, all because of me. I started her career and I might as well have ended it. It should’ve been me damnit. I should’ve asked for the transfer. She, she loves it here, and I can’t stand not seeing her everyday, even if its from afar like a fucking creep. I know I broke up with her. I know I have no right. I know its on me and I’m gonna have to live with this shit forever, the same way I’m gonna have to live with my past. But I tainted her. I ruined her and I don’t know how to live with myself anymore”
Tears spring at his eyes, he wipes them away. Breathes in and out, slowly. Angela doesn’t break the silence for a long time, but when she does its deafening.
“I’ve always wondered what your problem with relationships was. When you got together with Lucy, I thought for sure that was it. Because she is the literal personification of a psychology journal. You always complained about how much she liked to talk her feelings out with you. So I thought, no way they don’t last. I’ll finally get to return the man of honor favor. Because lets be real, ever since you pulled her out of that barrel, you’ve been all in. So when you broke up with her it didn’t surprise me that you did, but it surprised me that she let you. And I guess, in a sense, Lucy has to be tired of you making decisions for her. She has tried to retaliate, and its been festering. One thing after the other, you taking a desk job without consulting her, her going behind your back to get you into Metro. You didn’t even give her the choice of staying. And it hit me. This is what you do. You have never let anyone in, ever, not really. Not even Lucy”
Tim looks at her incredulously. And it hits him in a way it hadn’t in therapy. Because his therapist had said as much. She didn’t know them like Angela did though. And he thinks about it for a long time. Maybe, just maybe, in the fight to try and make their relationship worth it, they forgot to fight for themselves. Always putting the other first. Tim wants to talk to her so bad. Not be an idiot and only tell her that he misses her. Because she has to know that. She has to.
No. A real conversation, where he gives her explanations and lets her make decisions. He’s always had the natural instinct of protecting her and he realizes that in doing so, he also drove her away.
“She’s in Victorville, if you want to go figure some things out” - Angela squeezes his hand, a gesture he didn’t know he needed.
“What if she doesn’t want to see me?” - he asks vulnerable.
“Then she doesn’t. But at least you gave her the choice”
He doesn’t say anything for the rest of their shift, but he somehow manages to feel lighter than he has in weeks. And as his friend works quietly next to him, a decision nestles in his heart.
He wants to go see her so bad. God, does he want to. But he thinks he owes it to her to be the best version of himself he can be before he disrupts her life (again). To be a better man for her, for their future children, if she’ll still have him.
—
It feels weird walking into a different station. The smells are different, the people, the snacks on the vending machine and the coffee. And it hits her like it hadn’t in weeks that she won’t get to see him anymore. At least at Mid-Wilshire she could torture herself and sneak glances at him. She didn’t know which of the two was worse. She took a deep breath and walked in. The only relief she could muster at Victorville was that nobody was invested in her relationship (or lack thereof) like they were in Mid-Wilshire. So if there was one thing she didn’t miss, it was the pitying looks from fellow officers.
“Hot pants? Is that you?”
She turns around, an incredulous smile taking over her face.
“Noah? What are you doing here? I thought you were undercover”- she says as the space between them closes in a warm embrace.
“Yeah, I was. Its been a while actually. As much as I loved it, it was eating at me. Realized I gave it as much as I could and it was time to start a life. Spoke with Alice and things are really good now” - he smiles sheepishly.
Something like longing and envy twists and settles in her heart. And she cant believe that the last time they saw each other, she was the one in a relationship while his was falling apart. She schools her expression into one of happiness, and it doesn’t take much effort because she truly is happy for him. She just wishes she had that same happiness back.
“I’m so happy for you Noah. That must’ve been hard but I’m sure it was worth it”
“It was. It is. Enough about me. What are you doing here?”
She swallows, the dreaded conversation about the breakup crawling its way up her throat.
“I transferred from Mid-Wilshire”
She doesn’t miss the way his eyebrows scrunch and a look of surprise overtakes him. So much for being an undercover detective.
“Bradford okay with that?”
She ignores the pang on her chest at the mention of his name and takes a deep breath, ready to explain why she’s really here.
“We uh broke up actually. Well, he broke up with me. But even if he hadn’t, he doesn’t get a say on what I do with my career”
His eyes widen and she almost wants to laugh.
“Shit Chen, I’m sorry. He’s a fucking idiot for letting you go”
“Its okay. I’m over it” - she brushes him off.
He rolls his eyes and smirks at her, a pitying look hidden behind his expression.
“I know I said you were by far the most talented UC cop at the academy but you’re a shit liar”
She actually laughs at that. Like she hadn’t in a while. And it makes her feel better if for a second. She doesn’t answer, so Noah fills in the silence. She almost wishes he hadn’t, because what he says almost makes her go do something stupid. Like forgive Tim.
“Listen, I don’t know what happened, but I know that man loves you. You could clearly tell. So give him time. I’m sure he’s regretting his decision right about now”
Lucy scoffs in lieu of breaking down into tears. She wipes what managed to escape and straightens up.
“I don’t really want to talk about it, I just want to work the feeling out and hopefully since I’m starting clean here, no vengeful white men to stop me, I might actually get to make detective”
His eyebrows almost reach his hairline and he makes a gesture towards the roll call room. Lucy looks at her watch and notices how late its getting.
“Okay, we’re going out for drinks tonight. Alice will be thrilled to see you and I wanna hear this nonsense about you not making detective. But also you’ll need it because first days always suck”
“Gee thanks for the vote of confidence” - she says sarcastically.
“You know everyone will love you, but the first day hazing is a tradition after all” - he opens the door for her and she tries to squeeze through unceremoniously.
Noah tugs her by her elbow and makes her sit on the second row while he goes to the back door and slips out. She shoots him a glare and he smiles. And as her new Watch Commander gives her a cold welcome and everyone eyes her, she finds herself wishing she was back home.
—
He decides to take the night shift that day. Grey asked who wanted overtime and he was the first to volunteer. The older man eyes him sadly but nods.
He knows she probably will be working that as well, and he makes it an hour before he notices he drove to the perimeter of Mid-Wilshire and Victorville.
His subconscious takes over for him and before he knows it, he’s pulling into Victorville’s station.
He parks in their lot and it doesn’t go unnoticed how eerily similar it is to theirs. He sighs, head thumping against the seat and he doesn’t know what he’s doing here. He promised himself he would try to get better before he came to see her. But he can’t help it. He wants to know if she’s okay. If being in a new station is making her anxious. If they’re treating her right. He can at least do that. He can take care of her from the shadows until she’s ready to let him into her light again.
He calls for a 10-6 even though its been so quiet that he probably didn’t need to. He takes a deep breath and gets out of his shop. He’s determined to walk in when he hears it.
Her laugh carries through the parking lot and it almost makes his knees buckle how much he missed it.
The sound takes him back to a lazy Sunday morning. Lucy naked in his bed. Her limbs tangled with his. Her fingers making weird patterns on his chest.
“I think I want a little boy. With your eyes” - she says and it should’ve taken him by surprise but it didn’t. It made his soul sing.
“Yeah?” - he smiles into her hair.
“Mmh” - she hums kissing his chest.
He stops to grab her hand and tugs it while his other hoists her hips so that she’s sitting on top of him. A shriek of laughter escapes her mouth and he swallows it in a deep kiss.
“Well in that case I want a little girl. With your smile, and your curls and your heart”
His hand tangles in the curtain of hair that surrounds them while the other falls flat against her heart. Her eyes study his face and he doesn’t miss the moist that pools in them. She smiles so brightly it threatens to overwhelm him so he tugs her down and kisses her, allowing the distraction to flip them over so that she’s now underneath him. Pliant and warm and soft.
“Okay deal. But we have to practice a lot before that” - she smirks.
He smiles and tickles her sides while he peppers kisses all over her jaw and neck. She’s laughing so much she can barely breathe. Her dainty hands swatting at his chest to make him stop. He finally does when her hand travels south and wraps around him. He gasps into her mouth.
“We should get started right now”
He’s brought back to reality when he doesn’t hear the sound anymore. He realizes he has been staring because she’s not alone and because she’s now staring right back at him. A look of confusion and hurt coating her gorgeous face.
He tries to breathe but he can’t. She looks happier, almost glowing. Her old UC friend that was obviously flirting with her that day they rode with him, standing close to her.
He promised her he wasn’t jealous, and back then he wasn’t because he had so much faith in their relationship. But now, in this present he created for himself when he broke both their hearts, it seeps from his pores and rears its ugly head.
And it hits him that maybe he was right and she deserves better than him. He breaks the staring contest and is making his way back to the shop to run away from her, from this, from everything when he realizes he’s doing it again.
He’s choosing for her without hearing her out first. Deciding their fate because he’s too scared of the outcome if he puts his heart on her hands.
Angela’s words echo in his mind and he decides that he needs to let her know where he stands. That he’s gonna love her forever, that he’s working on himself because she deserves better, and he will be the man she deserves. Even if she says no. Even if she won’t have him.
So with the little amount of courage he has left, he turns around to find her almost running to him. Noah no longer to be seen.
Her face is contorted into anger, her lips pursed in that way that drove him crazy all throughout her rookie year. That defiant look in her eye that made her the best cop he’s ever trained. And he decides to be brave.
“I know I’m the last person you want to see right now but before I lose the courage, I need to tell you something”
He pleads with her. Her face softens at his tone and she nods.
“I know I ruined everything and I don’t blame you from wanting to run away from me. Hell, sometimes I wish I could run away from me. But I need you to know that I stand by my words. You do deserve better” - he chokes out.
He sees her determined expression make its way back onto her face. Words on the tip of her tongue. So he speaks before she can.
“I’ve decided I will be better, no matter how long it takes. For you, for us, for the little boy with my eyes and the little girl with your smile. I’m gonna be the man you deserve, Lucy, until you let me in again. In whatever small doses you allow”
Her mouth hangs open, tears pool at the corners of her almond shaped eyes and he has to contain himself to not grab her face and kiss her senseless. Too much time passes before she says anything, so he hangs his head and makes his way back to his shop. He’s almost to the door when she finally does say something.
“Tim”
His heart stops, a sob breaks free from his throat. He looks at her, soul bared.
“Yeah?” - he chokes on the word.
“Take me home”