Chapter Text
None of the Hounds had attempted to talk to him since that morning, leaving the rest of the day to class and his thoughts. Before Dazai knew it, it was already time to head to Umbridges' office - he hadn't even bothered attending dinner.
Dazai knocked and waited, finally learning the week before that she would let him out an hour earlier if he did so.
"Enter. You know what to do." She smiled pleasantly at him and glanced over to the desk which already had the quill and parchment waiting.
I am a Demon.
I am a Demon.
I am a demon. I am a demon. I am a demon. I am a demon. I am a demon. I am a dem-
He repeated the phrase over and over again, the pain long since fading into the background allowing his thoughts to wander. Maybe he'd finally manage to kill himself that evening, unfeeling towards the pain that long since troubled him and stopped him from going too far.
It would be perfect. No one would even blink considering his performance that morning. His mission from Mori was almost complete as the DOE had successfully integrated itself into wizarding society. Really all that was stopping him was-Dazai smiled.
Nothing.
"What are you smiling at?" Umbridge suddenly snapped from her desk.
"Nothing." His usual quips wouldn't work - he'd just end up staying longer with another phrase carved into his skin.
She clicked her tongue, moving to stand in front of him. "This clearly isn't teaching you a lesson. I'll just have to do it myself. Lacero!" She slashed her wand towards him. When nothing happened she began to jab her wand towards him. "Lacero. Lacero. Lacero!"
Umbridge shrieked looking at him in disgust. "You dreadful child.." She quickly grabbed a letter opener on her desk, storming over to him and grabbing his arm.
Dazai froze. He could feel nothing but her pudgy fingers on his arm, see nothing but white on white and hear nothing but the insane shouts from his father. Umbridge began ripping off the bandages on his arm - revealing the disgusting mess of healed and unhealed cuts. She promptly shoved him back with a sharp intake of breath but unlike Pomfrey or Snape, she just stared at him in revulsion.
In that moment Dazai realised how much he missed the comfort of the two adults and his friends, missed running around getting into trouble that would only result in a detention. Where had it all gone so wrong? Or was it always like this and Dazai was just being naive in thinking he could be happy for a moment?
In front of him, Umbridge stared in between heaving breaths, finding the words. Dazai would have preferred silence but luck was not in his favour.
"You-" She cleared her throat in an attempt to collect herself. "Filth. It is clear that even you recognise yourself as less than human. It seems I have been distracting you from matters far more important than writing lines...Get out. Maybe this time you'll see some results? Vertical of course."
Dazai looked up at Umbridge and realised he was trembling. He forced his legs to continue standing, letting the silence wash over them for what seemed like minutes before leaving the room.
He couldn't think. He wasn't safe. He wasn't human.
Maybe his legs automatically knew where to go, sensed his presence, and knew what it meant or maybe he was just looking for him. Turning a corner Dazai stumbled straight into Snape, flinching back and almost tripping on his coat which felt so unnatural on his shoulders as if even an item so stained by the bloodshed of the port mafia was too good to be associated with something like him.
Snape's intake of breath and searching eyes went unobserved as Dazai fought the urge to throw up. His ears buzzed as if flies were invading and heading towards his brain to feast on the rot that remained. He wanted to let them, fall and let go of the heavy weight of existing. To forget his consciousness and give in to the pull of despair.
The static roared until it was all he could hear, his sight becoming squares of black and white and purple swirling shapes.
...
...
...
...
...
...
Dazai could smell honey as his hands seemed to be cradling something warm.
"-Even a strong wind that blows. Already tainted by sorrow. Is a fox’s splendid fur used for a coat." Snapes' voice seemed to radiate throughout the space, speaking in a hushed tone as if soothing a cat. Dazai let himself relax but felt drawn to the spoken words. "-You languidly linger on dreams of death- For the tainted sorrow is a painful, Intimidating foreboding."
The poem continued and Dazai felt himself drawn towards the words, towards reality.
He took a deep breath, heaviness continuing to weigh his body down.
They appeared to be in the potion master's office, sitting on a small two-person couch that smelled of dust and old potion fumes. He was curled up in a ball as Snape sat next to his head.
"Mr. Dazai.." Snape seemed to stare at him with new eyes, lacking the words to fully express what he was thinking or feeling.
He didn't want to speak. The sheer effort of smiling and energy he placed on just acting day to day. He just couldn't do it, blinking at him with dull eyes.
Dazai tensed as he found a hand on his head but as it began to stroke his hair he relaxed - slowly feeling more at ease. Couldn't he just relax for a bit? He left his mind blank as he focused on fingers carefully making their way through his hair.
"We- the adults in your life owe you far more apologies than we could ever give you. I wish I allowed myself to ignore the words of the people around me and let myself become someone you could come to but I did not. For that, I am sincerely sorry." Silence overtook the room and Dazai began to think that was all that would be said.
"Hogwarts allowed your name to become something evil, ruining your chances of having any resemblance of normalcy - for that I am sorry. I said nothing to you when I became aware of your situation...I let you return to the Port Mafia over break and for that, I could never be more sorry."
Dazai couldn't believe what he was hearing. The world seemed to have been uprooted and turned upside down leaving Dazai feeling lost. "Severus has nothing to apologize for..." He quietly mumbled, choking the words out.
"No." Snape shook his head firmly. "You have not been treated the way you deserve to be and I would die before I let complacency overrule my instincts yet again - I will not allow things to return to how they have been." The latent magic in the air seemed to tense as if sensing the importance of his words.
They sat like that for half an hour before Dazai eventually drifted off to sleep. Maybe it was all a sick dream letting Dazai feel comfortable before pulling him back into reality. As morning roused him from his sleep he found himself in the same position he was in the previous night only this time with a blanket wrapped over him and the rest of the couch to himself.
The bandages on his arms had been rewrapped around his arms which meant Snape had seen. Despite this fact Dazai felt much better than he had in a long time, his arms and legs still ached with healing wounds but his mind- his mind felt so clear as if a large cloud of fog had drifted in and out while taking away a little of his burdens. Yet he still felt the itch to cut, it had become an essential part of his routine and no amount of apologies or sleep would fix that.
Dazai flicked his gaze over the room properly, finding it much the same as the last time he had been there which Dazai realised with surprise was just before winter break the previous year. It also meant Snape hadn't had the time or simply forgot to remove any sharp objects.
He stealthily grabbed a potion knife on one of the counters, thanks to Snape's meticulous nature it was clean. Dazai unwound his bandages, checking for any signs of interference.
Sliding the knife across his arm, ensuring enough pressure Dazai watched as his skin split open revealing the pure whiteness underneath the top layer of his skin covered in red and white scars and scabbed wounds. He slid it across again and again until the wound bubbled yellow with fat, dripping with blood down his arm and collecting into a small pool on the cold tile below.
It wasn't enough. It would never be enough - not the concerned adults or loyal friendships, it would always end with the end of his life. Anything worth wanting would be taken away the moment he achieved it. This thought is what made it easier to push back the recent memory of whispered apologies and concerned confrontations and drag the knife down the crook of his elbow from his wrist. He repeated his actions meticulously on the other forearm, this time finding an artery to slice open.
Dazai knew it was only a matter of seconds before he lost consciousness, vision blurring as he struggled to form a succinct thought and collapsed where he stood.
His first thought as he swam back to consciousness was not a thought but a feeling of complete defeat. He was alive and they would all know about his nightly activities and know that his attempts were serious. Dazai knew how it went, they would be upset and concerned and try to help him but when he wasn't better in a month they would give up and he would be free to attempt as many times as needed.
Maybe part of the reason he had not tried at Hogwarts before this point was he didn't want to see these people give up on him, maybe it gave him some kind of hope that wasn't present in the Port Mafia. Nevertheless, it was over now.
Blinking open his eyes, Dazai was greeted with a sullen face Blaise, and a splotchy-eyed Pomfrey who seemed to be fussing over an IV drip which was attached to his hand. He heard hushed voices from outside the infirmary which he assumed to be members of his gang.
"Aw, I failed?" Dazai whined, avoiding the serious conversation ahead, and picked at his bandages.
There was a sharp intake of breath from Madam Pomfrey who turned her face away from his searching eyes. "Fortunately so."
Blaise still had not spoken and it had begun to grate on Dazais nerves. "Alas, another one of my exploits interrupted, whats Blaise doing here?" He cracked a grin.
In short Blaise's expression was devastating but it was covered with so many different emotions that Dazai struggled to pinpoint what he was thinking - it scared him.
"Even if you'd love to forget it, there are people who care about you Dazai. No- don't do that thing where you turn everything serious into a joke because you can't handle being honest about how you feel. I care about you. I care about you and ill keep repeating it until you believe it."
Dazai didn't know what to say. Of course, Blaise would say that - know all the things Dazai needed to hear and act like it was so easy and normal. Blaise was too perfect for Dazai.
"...What if you don't like what you find out? What if behind all my jokes I'm just something unfixable?" He needed to say it, to warn them.
"No one is unfixable. Broken things can be fixed, they just need the right tools." Blaise reached out a hand and squeezed Dazais own, his expression unwavering. There was nothing Dazai could say that would convince him of anything else.
The realisation that it was silent came too late as the majority of his hounds came shuffling into view, sending him confident smiles past their own bloodshot eyes.
"There's nothing you could say that could push us away. We're here for you." Hermione told him, glancing at the people on her sides.
What was this? It was unfamiliar and strange and Dazai had no idea how to react.
"Hun, I can't say I know or understand how difficult it will be to move away from the coping mechanisms you've relied on your whole life but it's possible and we are all here to help you get there - including Severus who rarely left your side while you were unconscious." Pomfrey smiled warmly at him at his side.
This was different. It wasn't just a new friend asking him to open up or getting mad at him over relapsing. It was sincere and had him considering it but he didn't know what to do about Mori or Yokohama or the DOE or Dumbledore or-
Obviously, they had caught onto his anxiety as Blaise's hand tightened on his. "We're here for everything and anything but right now we just need you to rest."
"And then we can begin planning the ultimate Hells Hounds operation, together." George winked at him.
Dazai relaxed into a smile. "Okay."
Recovery isn't linear - Dazai lost count of how many times he relapsed after that day but he kept trying for as long as his friends stayed with him and they did which never failed to surprise Dazai. Who had wrapped Blaise in a massive hug when he realised it had been just over a month since the incident and they had not gotten sick of him yet.
Umbridge was taken to azkaban as the Hounds collected accounts from countless students who had experienced the quill and released it to the public. Dazai had giggled as the aurors interrupted their lesson and arrested her. Her face turning beet red and stormy eyes meeting Dazais own.
Freeing himself from Mori was likely the hardest thing he had ever done. Letters began arriving daily after Dazai had sent his own announcing his resignation. The threats increased in severity as time passed, containing graphic descriptions of torture methods and images of boys that resembled Dazai. Fear followed him everywhere - in class, down the halls. It had led to Dazai shutting himself in the office and relapsing for the first time.
They didn't leave though. Blaise sat with Dazai, bringing him food from the kitchens each morning and refused to judge him when he couldn't leave the room.
Snape immediately had all post from Mori blocked and collected as evidence, continuing to help Pomfrey in her case for custody.
Eventually, it did get better though. Maybe not in a year or two but eventually. Days would pass and Dazai wouldn't even think of cutting or Mori which was something he never would have imagined he'd be able to do.
On the occasions he did, he knew he had people he could talk to and he had strategies that actually worked!
He had found home.
Living with Poppy in her cozy flat with Uncle Severus (as he had taken to calling the man) dropping in to visit every few days and getting up to mischief with his friends who were closer than ever.
Dazai hummed to himself as he entered his dorm room and looked out the window over the Hogwarts grounds with a smile.