Chapter Text
The atmosphere surrounding the table was unbearable - for Wylan, at least. Nina was inspecting the menu of The Little Palace as if it were a rare specimen and Matthais was staring at Wylan very unsubtly. Why she was looking at the menu, Wylan didn’t know, they’d already ordered.
Finally, after what felt like an age, Nina put down the menu and cleared her throat. The way she clasped her hands together and rested them on the table reminded Wylan of a stern headmistress about to tell him why he’d been called to the office.
“So,” She said, tilting her head to the side ever so slightly. “Last night.”
Ah, yes… last night…
Wylan had stood on the curb until he couldn’t feel his fingers, then turned and ran up to his apartment. As soon as he’d made it through the door he had pressed on Matthais contact and told him everything.
It wasn’t his finest moment.
Matthais had listened as Wylan wailed into the phone like Alys on a good day. He had waited patiently for Wylan to go quiet before he spoke. They had arranged to meet the next day and Matthais had sent Wylan to bed with a glass of water and a few headache tablets down the hatch.
This was how he found himself trying to avoid eye contact with Nina.
“What about it?”
Nina scoffed. “Wylan.”
“What do you want me to say? You know what happened!” Nina gave him a look. Wylan groaned, resting his face in his hands. “It was a stupid idea.”
“Yes.”
“And I shouldn’t have done it.”
“Correct.”
“But I don’t regret it.” Nina blinked at him, her mouth hanging open slightly from where she’d been preparing to agree with him once more. She looked a bit like a fish, Wylan thought unhelpfully.
“You don’t?” Matthais asked, his eyebrows furrowed slightly.
Wylan sighed, sitting back in his chair. “No. I- it’s complicated.” He glanced at Nina and was surprised to find her expression had softened. “I mean I still love him and when he asked me over I didn’t have any reason to say no.” At this, Nina’s eyebrow raised. “I had one reason to say no.” Wylan corrected.
Nina was quiet for a moment. She stirred her coffee absently with her teaspoon. There was enough sugar in it to rot her teeth on the spot, but she seemed to like it that way. With a sigh she let go of the spoon with a clink.
“I suppose this isn’t terrible.” She hummed, picking up the mug and taking a big sip.
Wylan shared a look with Matthais before leaning forward over the table. “Nina, what have you done?”
“Nothing! Nothing!”
“She’s definitely done something.” Zoya commented as she placed down three plates of steaming waffles. Once again, Wylan wondered why Nina had been inspecting the menu so intensely.
Nina pursed her lips. “You’re paid to serve, not to make snide comments.”
Zoya rolled her eyes. “I wasn’t being snide, I was being truthful.” Nina replied with a single finger.
“Anyway, back to what I was saying before we were rudely,” She cast a glare towards Zoya’s back as she dug into her waffles. “interrupted.”
Wylan raised an eyebrow, taking a sip of his tea. He placed the mug down softly before picking up his cutlery. “Yes?”
“It’s not terrible because at least it won’t be awkward at my birthday party.”
“Oh Nina, you didn’t.” Matthais sighed.
Nina pursed her lips. “I couldn’t invite everyone but him, so he’ll be there next weekend.”
Wylan stared. Jesper was coming to the party next weekend. He was going to see Jesper next weekend. The same Jesper who he’d kissed and the same one who’d driven away in a panic straight after. Matthais shifted beside him.
“You did?” Wylan said softly.
Nina glanced up from her waffles. “I mean I can always uninvite him if you don’t want to see him after last night-”
“No!” Wylan swore the cafe went silent. He cleared his throat awkwardly. “I mean no, it’s fine.”
Nina chewed slowly, giving him a confused look. She swallowed before speaking. “Alright…” And with that they fell into normal conversation that had nothing to do with Jesper.
And yet… Wylan found himself thinking about him anyway. Jesper had kissed him back, he was sure of it. Maybe it had been a reflex though, but that couldn’t be right. You didn’t kiss people back unless you wanted to, right? But Jesper had left. He had driven away into the night and left Wylan standing alone on the curb.
But the party wasn't about Jesper, the party was about Nina and Wylan wasn’t about to make his friend’s party about someone else. He would go to the party, he would enjoy himself, and he would try not to make more of a fool of himself in front of Jesper.
It couldn’t be too hard, right?
………
“It’s not doing anything.” Hanna huffed, staring at the piece of paper they’d drawn five different coloured dots on.
Wylan laughed, shaking his head as he made his way back over to their workbench. “You’ve got to be patient, that paper is thick.”
For their first lesson, Wylan had decided to start off with an easier experiment. He remembered watching in awe as the effects of chromatography took place before his eyes. He’d been younger than Hanna, about six, when his chemistry tutor had decided to do a quick and easy experiment one Tuesday afternoon.
Chromatography mixed chemistry with art and Wylan had always enjoyed watching the different colours snake their way up the paper with the water. It was amazing to see how many colours were hidden inside one colour. Different pens gave different results.
It was quite like people, in a way. One person was made up of lots of different people. They got their humour from their brother, they got their music taste from their uncle, they liked tiramisu because their mother made it for them that one time.
“Oh my Saints!” Hanna squealed, clapping her hands excitedly as the water reached the line they’d carefully drawn with a pencil and a ruler. The dots began to show their hues in pretty gradients up the paper. “It’s so pretty!”
Wylan smiled as Hanna pressed her face close to the beaker. He swiftly drew a line across another piece of paper, much thinner than the last one, and began to draw the dots of colour once more. He turned back to check on their experiment and was pleased to find the water had almost reached the top of the paper.
Before the paper could get too wet - though, with the thickness of the paper, they could probably leave it overnight without having to worry - Wylan swiftly pulled the paper out, hanging it on a line of string to dry.
“Ready for the next one?” He asked, readjusting the paper clips that didn’t seem to feel like co-operating. He frowned, folding the top of the paper to make it stay in place. Finally, satisfied, he turned to find Hanna carefully balancing the splints that held the paper up on the edge of the beaker. Her tongue poked out childishly and Wylan was struck with the familiarity of the stance.
So, as he watched her battle with the splints that insisted on just missing the edge of the beaker, he thought back to all those years ago when his tutor had stood in his position, watching a young Wylan concentrate with his tongue peeking out the side of his mouth and his messy curls getting in his face every few seconds. Watching Hanna made him wonder if he should’ve gone into teaching children, or at least helping out in the primary school’s science lessons.
He knew why he hadn’t bothered to apply there despite working at the university for just under a year. It was plain and simple: Wylan didn’t require reading skills for this job, he’d stuck small music notes on each of the chemical bottles the university owned. They’d initially hired him to help set up equipment for a small wage, but as hours had gotten longer and his days in the lab became more frequent, they’d ended up hiring him full time to do the same work but for a larger wage. It wasn’t a massive difference, but Wylan would’ve stayed even if they’d kept it the same. He may be Kerch, but his true love was chemistry and music, not kruge.
He smiled as Hanna finally managed to balance the splints, sending him a triumphant grin that he returned with a nod of a head.
A little while later they’d filled up Wylan’s little washing line with ink stained paper. Different hues and gradients flashed brightly, their journey’s perfectly captured on the white paper. Hanna had decided to do a mixture of different pinks and reds for their newest chromatogram and Wylan was just putting the pens back into their respective sections when she spoke.
“Do you have a girlfriend?” She asked, not taking her eyes away from her work.
Wylan paused, turning around to face Hanna with a frown.“What made you ask that?”
Hanna shrugged. “You never talk about anyone but your friends, I wondered if you had a girlfriend.” She glanced up at him. Wylan must’ve looked offended or befuddled because she frowned. “What?”
He shook his head, a smile fighting its way into his lips. “Nothing, I just, I had a boyfriend, but I don’t have a girlfriend, no.”
Hanna blinked twice at him, her new chromatogram suddenly forgotten. “You had a boyfriend?”
Wylan gulped, hoping his sudden shift in mood didn’t show in his smile. “Yeah.”
Hanna was quiet for a moment.
“You like boys?” Wylan nodded. Hanna stared for a second and Wylan was just about to rethink his entire life decisions when her face broke into a bright smile. “Oh my Saints, we can talk about boys together!”
Wylan snorted. “Hanna, you’re ten.”
The girl didn’t seem deterred, though, instead she hopped off her stool and rushed over to Wylan, taking his hands in hers. “How many boyfriends have you had? Did you kiss them? Did you hold hands?” Her excitement seemed to increase at every sentence and soon she was jumping up and down energetically.
Wylan rolled his eyes, unable to keep his smile off his face. “Three. Yes. Yes.” He hummed, twirling Hanna around like a ballerina to try and decrease her energy levels.
The girl only gasped, though. “Three?” Her eyes were wide and Wylan couldn’t help but laugh at how excited she was about the number of boyfriends he’d had.
“Yes, well, one doesn’t really count because I was only about fifteen and we didn’t make it official at all.”
Hanna didn’t seem to care though, squealing excitedly before suddenly going silent and looking him dead in the eye with the seriousness of a woman about to share some breaking news. “Tell me everything.”
Well, he certainly wasn’t going to do that, but he supposed giving the girl a watered down version couldn’t hurt as they began to pack up.
“Well, as I said, my first ‘boyfriend’-”
“What was his name?” Hanna asked eagerly, pausing with the beaker poised over the sink.
“Dima, he was one of the gardeners.” Wylan cringed. Dima had been his friend, not just staff. Truth be told, they’d only shared a few kisses in the garden shed before Dima’s family had moved to Ravka and Wylan had never seen him again. He hoped he was alright, he had always been kind to Wylan.
“Was he nice?” Hanna asked, drying her hands on a few paper towels before helping Wylan colour code the pens.
Wylan nodded. “Very. But he moved away.” Hanna hummed in understanding, Wylan wasn’t sure how much she understood but he supposed it didn’t really matter too much.
“Who was your second boyfriend?”
Wylan rolled his eyes at this. His second boyfriend had been one of the students that had come to Ketterdam University before he’d gotten his job here. He had been a couple of years older than Wylan, and while he’d been a good friend - he’d actually been the one to suggest the position to Wylan - he’d been a lousy boyfriend. He forgot dates, forgot birthdays and Wylan had found him kissing a girl at a party one night. It was safe to say he had dumped the asshole on the spot. He and Nina had giggled about him and made fun of his stupid moustache - or lack thereof - for days.
He’d also had an odd obsession with the moon that Wylan could never get his head around. There was a running joke now, that whenever anyone commented on the moon they would immediately be countered with an “Okay, Joost.” before the rest of the group agreed.
“He was called Joost.” Wylan shook his head. “He wasn't great, I dumped him because I saw him kissing a girl at a party.” The gasp that escaped Hanna caught Wylan off guard and he choked on his own saliva as a result. She sounded scandalised and, really, she should be - Nina would be proud.
“He kissed another girl?” Wylan nodded. “That’s so naughty!”
A smile spread across Wylan’s face, ‘naughty’ was one way to describe it. “Very naughty, indeed.”
“Was your third boyfriend better?”
At this, Wylan froze.
He should have known this was coming. What did he expect from a conversation with a ten year old about his ex-boyfriends? It was always going to come back to Jesper like everything else that seemed to these days. Maybe that had been Wylan’s goal all along, to have a chance to talk about Jesper with someone who didn’t know all the nitty gritty details, someone who wasn’t old enough to understand the pain of losing a loved one, but still being able to see them if it really came down to it.
“Mister Hendriks?”
Wylan blinked, shaking his head. He did not need to start freezing up right now. “Sorry, yes, Jesper.”
“Was that his name?” Hanna asked, tilting her head to the side.
Wylan nodded, swallowing the lump forming in his throat as last weekend came rushing back: the party, the curb, the car, the kiss, the curb again. “Yeah.”
Saints, he had to see the man tomorrow, after all that humiliation. Maybe he should’ve asked Nina to uninvite him after all? No. That was mean. If anything Wylan should be the one to not turn up. But it was Nina’s birthday, it would be rude to disappear on her! Ghezen’s hand! What was he going to wear?
He must’ve been quiet for a while because it was a small hand tugging on the sleeve of his shirt that brought him out of his thoughts. Looking down, Wylan found Hanna looking up at him curiously. Her hair was pinned up with two butterfly clips today, their iridescent wings shining in the lights of the lab.
“Was he mean?” She asked, blinking up at him with big eyes.
Wylan laughed softly, the sound coming out slightly watery. “No, not at all. He was the best boyfriend I could’ve asked for.”
“Then why aren’t you together anymore?” Her tone wasn’t unkind, just confused. That makes two of us, Wylan thought.
Why weren’t they together? It was a question Wylan had asked the ceiling many times. Why had they broken up?
………
It had happened suddenly one night. Wylan didn’t realise what was happening until it was over and he was storming out.
He’d been stressed. His father had been sending letters, all saying the same stupid thing, and he hadn’t told Jesper. He’d also started his new job at the University a week before, and was still trying to get used to the new environment and unlabelled chemicals.
It was coming back from one of these days that he found Jesper sitting at the kitchen table with a stack of letters and a frown on his face.
“Jesper?”
The question had startled Jesper, and his boyfriend had worn a mildly shocked expression for a moment, before it was clouded with a frown.
“Why didn’t you tell me about this?” He had asked, holding up a stack of envelopes that didn’t even cover half of the ones that had been posted through the letterbox.
Wylan blinked, his blood cold in his veins. “Where did you find those?”
Jesper ignored him, pushing back from the table. “Has he come to the apartment?”
“Where did you find those?” Wylan repeated. His entire body had gone cold and for a moment he wondered if he would ever be warm again.
“The closet.”
Of course. It had been a stupid idea to hide them there, Jesper practically lived in the closet each morning as he pondered what to wear. He’d made Wylan late many times, but Wylan never minded.
“You had no right to read them.”
“I didn’t even know what they were before I started reading them!”
“Then you shouldn’t have read them!”
He wasn’t angry at Jesper for reading them, he was angry at his father for sending them. He just couldn't leave Wylan alone, could he? He just had to make everything worse no matter how long it had been since his son.
“I know!” Jesper exclaimed, smacking the envelopes down on the table. “I know, okay, but the question still stands: why didn’t you tell me?”
“It wasn’t your business!”
“Your safety is my business, Wylan.”
“Maybe it shouldn’t be then. Not if you’re gonna poke around my private property!”
“It was in the wardrobe, Wy. Did you really think I wouldn’t find it at some point?”
The truth was, he had. He had hoped Jesper would overlook them like he usually overlooked the floor of the closet, leaving it to stay messy and chaotic like the rest of his apartment.
Jesper sighed softly, taking a step towards Wylan. “I just want to know why, Wylan.”
“It wasn’t important.”
“Of course it’s important, Wy, this about your safety! You need to be careful-”
“You don't think I’m careful?” Wylan snapped, scowling over at Jesper. It was uncalled for, Wylan knew that, but the anger at his father was clouding his judgement to a degree he couldn’t hold it back anymore.
Jesper blinked, caught off-guard by the sudden switch. “What? Of course not, it’s just-”
“I know what my father’s like. I know I need to be careful because of the strings he can pull. I know I should’ve told you about these letters, but you’re not entitled to know about them!”
“I never said that.”
Wylan scoffed. “Sure. You just had to know about them for another reason.”
He was being stupid, he knew it, but the letters had been something he had been trying to deal with without involving Jesper because he knew he’d end up trying to help and Wylan would’ve failed to deal with his father alone once more.
“That’s not true!”
“One thing, Jesper! One thing I was trying to do myself and now- and now…”
“You don't have to do it by yourself, though.”
“You’re not listening to me, Jesper!” Wylan exclaimed, throwing his hands up.
“I am!”
“No, you’re not. You’re listening to yourself, not me!”
“Wylan-”
Wylan was tired. He was annoyed and angry and so, so fed up with his father’s shit. So, instead of doing the rational thing and ending things calmly and just talking until they both realised they were arguing for nothing, he ended things full stop.
Jesper blinked at him. “What?”
Wylan gulped. “I said, ‘I can’t do this anymore’, Jesper.”
“You can’t-”
“No.”
Silence.
The clock that ran two minutes behind ticked loudly, marking the moments as they passed. It was never quiet enough to hear it usually, but Wylan supposed what he’d just confirmed had warranted the hush that had flooded the room.
When he could take it no longer, he had turned, trying not to cry as he left the apartment, practically running down the stairs because he had been too scared to use the elevator. He’d called Nina in hysterics, the poor girl struggling to understand the gibberish he was spitting down the phone.
He’d been so stupid. So fucking stupid.
………
“I said something stupid.” Wylan sighed softly. “We had an argument about something silly and I said something stupid.”
Hanna nodded slowly. Then, gingerly, she reached out a tiny hand to hold his. “I’m sorry, Mister Hendriks.” She whispered, and it took everything in Wylan to not burst out in tears right then and there.
“It’s alright, Hanna.”
At that moment the door banged open, Smeet poking his head through the doorway without looking up from his phone.
“Hanna?”
Wylan abruptly let go of Hanna’s hand, praying to Ghezen he didn’t look like he’d been crying. He needn't have worried, though, because Smeet didn’t spare him a single glance as Hanna quickly packed up.
“You can take these home next week, okay?” Wylan said softly as Hanna hugged him goodbye. Hanna nodded eagerly, flashing him a small smile before running over to her father.
They were gone before Wylan could get another ‘goodbye’ in, but he wasn’t too sad about it. That way he didn't have to deal with Smeet’s half-hearted grunts.
Saints, he couldn’t wait for Nina’s party.